Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Therapy Podcast – Details, episodes & analysis

In this episode, Leslie and special guest Jen Sims, a licensed professional counselor and registered play therapist, talk about the importance of play. Jen explains that play is the language of children, allowing them to express emotions and experiences. She specializes in Non-directive Play Therapy, which involves creating an environment where children can fully engage in play without feeling hurried. Jen emphasizes the principles of empathy, congruence, and unconditional positive regard, and discusses how play therapy can help children heal from trauma, behavioral issues, and other challenges.

Time Stamps

2:06 Play is the story that kids are writing about themselves

2:25 Definition of Play Therapy and the kinds of therapy

3:35 Reasons why children may go to therapy

5:47 Carl Rogers A person centered therapist:  3 tenets of his therapy

• Empathy
• Congruence
• Unconditional Positive Regard

5:55 Virginia Axline developed Non-Directive Play Therapy - 8 principles (see show notes for more formal list)

6:35 Definition of Unconditional positive regard doesn’t mean I love your behavior..it means I love you

7:45 Explaining the non-directive part of non-directive play therapy

8:20 Trust the child to move towards healing

10:45 Mirroring and attunement is something parents can also do at home to enrich and depend their relationship with their child

12:35 Children play in themes

15:35 Description of Fiial Play Therapy that parents can do it at home

17:15 Explaining the process of attunement

20:44 Setting limits around safety and other things requires consistency

22:59 Both Parents and children need empathy to feel understood

25:31 AutPlay is play therapy specifically designed for Neurodivergent kids

28:37 Jen’s advice for parents - 

31:35 We can trust children to lead the way with creative solutions towards their own healing

Resources:  

Video of Play as a form of communication

Jen Sims Website at the Redwood Center for Children And Families 

Jen Sims Instagram

Article on Non-directive Play Therapy and The Underlying Principles by Cognitive Behavioral Play Therapy

Filial Play Therapy

AutPlay Therapy Resources

Registration for Leslie’s  NEABPD Webinar on “Defiance, Disrespect and Disobedience: What Is It and What To Do About IT

Leslie-ism: Set aside 20 minutes to let your child lead the way in play

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and 

It's not unusual to feel stuck or trapped as a parent. Having options is the antidote to that feeling. You have options for how you think, how you behave, how you deal with emotions. And those options put you in the drivers seat…you get to see and feel the choices you have and you get to choose! This episode is the third and final episode with Jean and Alex who are dealing with their 6 year old daughter’s big emotions. We focus on how to change your mindset and review several coping strategies to help your child. 

Time Stamps

3: 22 Naming the skill - dialectic dilemmas and dialectic synthesis 

4:20 The dialectic dilemma is between the child’s needs and the parent’s needs.

5:15 Having options is a necessary element in our mental health - Noticing your “choices”

7:10 Helping parents helps our children:  realizing that your mood impacts your child’s mood

11:50 GIve your child (or anyone) permission to actually have the big emotions

13:20 Main dialectic dilemma between Acceptance and Change

• Acceptance often is needed first - it’s more effective to accept the moment before you try to change what’s happening
• First thing to do: Acknowledge the big emotion. 
• Then move onto solving the problem

20:25 A description of three states of mind (illustration of states of mind in show notes)

22: 50 Take your time teaching these skills to your child:  repeat it, use different metaphors, say it differently, use different examples

25:00 Skills to use to move your child from emotion mind to wise mind

• Acknowledge that your child is in emotion mind: Name it
• Rate it
• Distraction
• Flexible thinking - dialectic thinking with the magic AND
• Ice pack across your eyes, or face plant into a bowl of cold water
• Breathing Exercises (see Link to handout below)
• Puzzles, activities

25:44 Explaining how to move from the sympathetic nervous system to the parasympathetic nervous system to help us regulate

31:41 Do you feel different? Is the helpful question

34:32 weave the DBT skills and emotional regulation language into your everyday language.

36:13 Exposure work can be done as gentle exercises to help your child with uncomfortable situations

• Start easy and work you way up to harder situations 
• Mantra:  I’m scared and I can do it anyway
• STAY present
• Have faith that your child can do it

The goal is not to avoid the problem, the goal is to be reduce your emotion and return to the problem

Resources:  

NEABPD free Webinar presented by Leslie Cohen-Rubury titled “Defiance, Disrespect and Disobedience: What it is and What to do about it.” Click here to register

Handout on Mindfulness Breathing Exercises 

Video on three states of mind 

Leslie-ism: When you feel stuck, look for the options (I promise you they are there)

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcas

Welcome to Season 3!  We start this season off with a family from Australia.  Sarah is a mom of 2 boys- James is 12, Noah is 15, Sarah and her husband are both ex-military personnel which has a direct impact on their parenting.  In today’s episode we discuss how Sarah’s parenting style matches with James who has been recently diagnosed with ADHD, Autism, and Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Many parents can  probably relate to Sarah who tween is a really good negotiator especially when it comes to getting off video games. We explore the big picture concept of the parent-child fit. I also discuss and teach practical skills including setting the stage, coping ahead, and brainstorming to support Sarah in her parenting. 

Time Stamps

6:18 How a parent feels when a child is defiant:

7:30 When a parent is works on rules and boundaries and command and your child doesn’t work that way

8:55  Children who work well with predictability and structure like knowing what will happen and when it will happen and how it's going to happen.

10:30 Sarah changes her words from “his emotional regulation problems” to emotional regulation that is still developing

11:36 Raising an obedient child is different from raising a responsible child

11:41- 14:40 1When a parent thinks that a child’s behavior is a reflection of them (personalizing their behavior) and which leads to mom-guilt

17:00 When parents get diagnosis for their child and when they fear how their child will respond to a diagnosis

18:32 Describing the concept of a “good fit” between the child and the parent as well as the child and its school environment

20:42 The difference between a validating environment and an invalidating environment

23:49   Turn the volume down on the  “shoulds” and increase the volume up on the learning. What have I learned from this?  - A learning model of raising kids

26:55 When your child is an avid gamer and the challenges associated with it.

28:35 Describing a skill called “Setting the Stage” - prepare your child for what is likely to happen and how they will respond vs how they want to respond

30:50 An example of using the brainstorming skill

34:47 Don’t judge the big emotional reactions, just plan for it

35:50 A description of the Cope Ahead Skill (from Dialectic Behavior Therapy) 

38:10 Practicing skills over and over again is what makes them effective

39:00 Parenting is a long-term investment 

Resources:  

Leslie’s Handout: Understanding the Parent Child Fit

Leslie’s Handout: Misbehavior is a form of communication

Leslie’s Handout: Raising a Responsible Child vs Raising an Obedient Child                     Dialectic Behavior Therapy Cope Ahead Skill Handout

Leslie-ism: Take a look at your parent-child fit,

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. 

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produ

Help us shape Season 3 of Is My Child A Monster?! For the first time ever we’re doing a listener survey. You have the opportunity to tell us what you love —or would love less of — on Is My Child A Monster! The anonymous survey should take less than 10 minutes, and you’re welcome to answer as much or as little as you like. We’d love your thoughts even if you’ve never listened, help us understand why! Or maybe this is a good time to check out an episode.

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Do you need feedback? Of course you do. We all do! But giving and receiving feedback whether it's from or to your child or co-parent can be challenging. Feedback can often feel like criticism and can even feel invalidating. This episode is all about giving and receiving feedback skillfully so that you or the other person doesn’t become defensive or shut down. Today’s episode welcomes back Leslie’s daughter Dale Rubury who shares how she moved from the defensive stance as a child to the open and willing stance as an adult.  

Time Stamps:

• 3:18 Feedback is part of communication in all kinds of relationship
• 3:55 Defining Feedback as nonjudgmental information about their behavior that is intended to help someone grow
• 7:49 Why is feedback so important 
• 9:00 The person receiving feedback has complete power over HOW they receive it
• 9:07 What is RODBT? Radically Open Dialectic Behavior Therapy Fact Sheet
• 12:55 The faith of parenting means you believe that the child heard you
• 16:18 Why some kids have more difficulty getting feedback than others
• 19:05 In public some kids will receive feedback differently than when they are at home. It may be known as masking (click here for more information)
• 21:18 Notice and name their reaction
• 21:25 "Did i just say something was invalidating to you"
• 22:20 Watch out when the child gives feedback to you the parent
• 23:30 It’s the parent’s job to model receiving feedback for the child
• 24:33 Give kids time and space to learn to accept feedback
• 27:40 “Is this a good time to give you feedback?”
• 33:03 Use the metaphor of a buffet
• 37:49 Tips on receiving feedback
• 38:34 Recovering from invalidation
• 40:19 Not everything has to be processed, sometimes it’s healthier to let some things go

Resources:  

• Sign up here to be a parent guest on Is My Child a Monster? Podcast
• Radically Open DBT Fact Sheet
• Leslie’s Video:  Stop Repeating Yourself
• Leslie’s Newsletter on I-Must-Have-Done-Something-Wrong Street

Leslie-ism: Growing as a parent is about being open to new ideas, open to learning, and open to feedback.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special

Exposure to books makes a big difference for children. Reading not only fosters cognitive and emotional development but also builds closeness and routines. This week, Leslie spoke to author Deborah Farmer Kris about her experience as a teacher and parent, highlighting the unique needs of each child and the intellectual and emotional challenges of parenting. Kris also promotes the use of public libraries and simple, consistent reading routines. Kris's books, including those in the "All the Time" series, aim to teach emotional literacy and provide caregiver tips. She stresses that being a stable, caring adult is crucial for a child's resilience and well-being.

About our guest: Deborah Farmer Kris is a parent educator, journalist, and children’s book author.  Deborah has written for CNN, PBS KIDS, NPR, The Washington Post, the Boston Globe Magazine, and Oprah Daily. She is an advisor for the PBS KIDS show “Carl the Collector,” and is wrapping up edits on a parenting book, called “Raising Awe Seekers: How the Science of Wonder Can Help Our Kids Thrive.” She also founded the parenting website Parenthood365

Time Stamps

9:50 Cascading benefits of reading aloud- many cognitive benefits

12:15 Building memories, building routines

13:50 Creating a literacy rich environment

• Developing a context for understanding the world around you
• Building routine establishes a sense of groundedness

15:13 Libraries are under utilized which are free and public

19:20 Creative ways to bring books into the lives of children

22:40 Comprehension is higher than one’s ability to read

25:50 Books can teach emotional literacy

30:43 “I notice….” is a phrase you can use to open the door to communication

33: 20 Books have a therapeutic effect on children and adults alike

• Using children’s books to teach therapeutic concepts. For example “Quick as a Cricket” teaches about our many parts and a dialectic perspective

36:07 Harvard ‘s research study on resilience in children found that it boils down to one factor: the presence of one stable, caring adult in their life. 

Resources:

• To Learn more about Deborah Farmer Kris visit her Parenthood 365 Website 
• Click here to get Deborah Farmer Kris’ fabulous books for emotional literacy
• Leslie List of Children's Book for Developing Emotional Literacy
• A Video made by Leslie about How to use Books as Conversation Starters
• Harvard University: The Center for the Developing Child’s Research on Resilience

Leslie-ism: Try to find 10 minutes a day to read to your child

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper,  AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-R

An unspoken agreement with parents raising children is that they will be on the same page and they will be a united front. But that is often easier said than done. In part 3 of our 3 part series with Mary, her husband Antoine joins us to discuss what happens when they disagree, how it affects their 6 year old Oliver, and what they’re doing to make sure they come back together in healthy ways.

Time Stamps

• 7:34 What does “being on the same page” mean to you?
• 9:51 What does it mean when your child picks up that you are two different people, with two different personalities
• 12:42 For some people, harmony is necessary for the nervous system
• 15:56 Parents might be comfortable with conflict, and your child might need extra reassurance that you’re okay
• 18:43 It’s okay to give children a sense of control in the situation
• 22:03 Start having your child become aware of their level of discomfort - check in with them, and have them name it
• 22:40 An incredible lesson for a child: I’m uncomfortable, and I can handle it
• 25:50 In uncomfortable moments, prepare the family to brave the storm, and that it will pass
• Sometimes we need to table arguments to have them away from children, but it is beneficial for children to see their parents arguing; it can be damaging to only see harmony/”perfection”
• 30:46 Learning to “fight fair”
• 34:28 Repair is incredibly important for children to witness
• 34:40 Ideas of mutual respect and benefit of the doubt
• 40:40 Definition of radical acceptance
• 44:29 Idea that we can be different and still respect each other’s ways; you’re respecting your individual differences
• 45:49 What do tolerating differences look like?

Resources:  

• Sign up here to be a parent guest on Is My Child a Monster? Podcast
• Time Out: Resolving Family Conflicts available in both English and Spanish
• Rules on Fighting Fair provided by Therapist Aid

Leslie-ism: Mutual respect is key for repairing relationship ruptures

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Sometimes there’s nothing more frustrating than dealing with a frustrated child. In part 2 of our 3 part series with Mary, mother of six-year-old Oliver and a newborn baby James, Leslie explores just how exhausting being stuck in the frustration loop with your child can be—and how to break out of it. They also get into bedtime, setting limits, and parenting guilt. 

Time Stamps

• 0:36 Low frustration tolerance
• 3:03 Letting go of expectations is about accepting the moment in order to move forward. Remember: it’s supposed to be hard
• 11:54 “I need him to” is a dangerous thing to say
• 23:09 The tough job of being a parent
• 23:12 Bearing witness to your child’s discomfort or pain
• 23:19 The guilt of doing it good enough
• 23:47 The definition of guilt; we don’t need the extra burden of it
• 25:36 When to give in, when to ignore and when to set limits - these are confusing choices all parents face.
• 30:41 Assessing is important: there’s a cause for all behavior
• 33:13 Kids may need to be active to actually calm down their neurological system before bed: compression, getting wrapped up in a blanket, hugging a teddy bear, etc
• 39:25 Allow the misbehavior to communicate what’s going on
• 39:47 Take a guess at why your child misbehaved:  scared of nightmares, not wanting to end the day, feeling stimulated in his body and need to release tension of the day, wanting to be closer to mom.

Leslie-ism:  Learn as you go, learn from the past, and learn from mistakes. 

Resources:

• Sign up here to be a parent guest on Is My Child a Monster? Podcast
• Leslie's Video of Using the STOP Skill to Deal with a Low Frustration Tolerance

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Dealing with change can sometimes feel like ripping off a bandaid. Change is stressful, whether you are five or 55; and people respond to those changes in all different ways. And it is especially challenging when you are someone who likes structure, order, and predictability. In today’s episode Leslie explores this topic with Mary.  We met Mary last season when she was seeking support around grief and sleep for her then four-year-old-son, Oliver. Things have changed in Oliver's world, and that's why Mary’s back. The past year has been full of transitions and adjustments for Oliver and his family. Starting a new school year and having a new baby in the home are some of those changes that most parents can relate to. 

Time Stamps

4:37 Change is the only constant and children respond to those changes in many different ways. School, new siblings, caregivers all create change in family life.

8:13 Assess your child’s behavior as they respond to changes

12:04 Adjustments can feel scary, frustrating or full of unknowns

12:53 Reestablishing his sense of safety, connection and groundedness

16:60 Parents want things to go right, and be right.  Adjustments are often “messy moments”

17:15 Buddhist phrase:  no mud, no lotus

19:18 The child needs validation AND the parent needs validation, and that’s so hard

20:30 Anxiety often underlies the No’s, the opposition, the resistance, and the rigidity

21:27 Don’t ask WHY questions.  Make a few statements to choose from

22:10 For nail biting, avoid saying “don’t do that” and instead suggest what else the child can do with their hands.

26:57 Part of a parent’s job is to guide their child through the unknown

31:57 When your child says “no,” unpack that no with them. YES AND approach for the child who doesn’t want to hear a NO

32:40 Teach your child that feelings come and go. Create anchors for the anxious child

37:15 Help your child Balance out the knowns and the unknowns, the predictable and the unpredictable. 

Leslie-ism: You can be an anchor for your child in the sea of change. 

Resources

• Sign up here to be a parent guest on Is My Child a Monster? Podcast
• Well Hello Anxiety Podcast episode with Luke Beardon who discusses anxiety for neurodivergent kids
• No Mud, No Lotus: The Art of Transforming Suffering by Thich Nhat Hanh
• A visual graphic explaining the Window of Tolerance by NICAMB
• Article on Window of Tolerance by mindmypeelings
• Leslie’s Blog posting on Dialectic Behavior Therapy’s Three States of MInd

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on 

Having a roadmap to deal with your child’s Intense emotions and behaviors sounds like a great idea. Oftentimes when parents reach out for professional help, they want changes and they want them NOW. But instant results are not always the reality of raising children. On today’s episode Leslie has a conversation with bestselling author and educator Dayna Abraham about raising neurodivergent children and offering listeners a roadmap that can help. We also focus on making sure our kids don’t grow up feeling “badly” about themselves even if they do feel different by creating changes in their home environment

About our guest Dayna Abraham:

Dayna Abraham, bestselling author of Calm the Chaos: A Fail-Proof Roadmap for Parenting Even the Most Challenging Kids. As a National Board Certified educator, parent of three neurodivergent children, and an ADHD adult herself, Dayna brings a unique and out-of-the-box perspective to parents raising kids in the modern world. 

Time Stamps

• 6:08 Dayna Abraham’s abbreviated professional life story
• 10:00 The Roadmap framework: (Venn Diagram - The YOU Piece, Connection, Understanding, Empowerment
• 12:55 Description of Stages - Stages 1,2,3 set the foundation when you are in the eye of the storm
• 14:07 How to recoup energy
• 15:10 Putting ideas into practical examples
• 21:47 Determining when is a good time to push your child, and when to back off.
• 24:01 Work smarter not harder; sometimes kids just need to feel understood
• 28:49 Modeling flexible thinking for your child 
• 29:20 Kids don’t have meta-cognition, so it helps to “think out loud”
• 29:43 Before you can self-regulate, you have to be self-aware. Kids learn self-awareness through the adults around them
• 30:58 Parents cannot expect results overnight; need to focus on themselves and their patience
• 32:06 Start with what we can control: ourselves
• 36:22 If raising a neurodivergent child, adjust your timeline and adjust your expectations
• 38:08 You’re exactly the parent your child needs

Leslie-ism: The first step to help yourself and your child is to ride out the storm. 

Show Note LInks:

• Danya Abraham’s Website
  • Her podcast: www.calmthechaospodcast.com.
  • Her Book: CALM THE CHAOS: A Failproof Roadmap for Parenting Even the Most Challenging Kids 
• Article by Child Mind Institute What is Neurodiversity
• Is My Child A Monster? Episode with Special Guest Dr. Liz Angoff: A conversation about Neurodivergent children
• Handout by Dr. Liz Angoff - ​​Two Sides of a Coin of having a Neurodivergent Brain
• Sign up here to be a parent guest on Is My Child a Monster? Podcast