In this episode, Leslie and special guest Jen Sims, a licensed professional counselor and registered play therapist, talk about the importance of play. Jen explains that play is the language of children, allowing them to express emotions and experiences. She specializes in Non-directive Play Therapy, which involves creating an environment where children can fully engage in play without feeling hurried. Jen emphasizes the principles of empathy, congruence, and unconditional positive regard, and discusses how play therapy can help children heal from trauma, behavioral issues, and other challenges.

Time Stamps

2:06 Play is the story that kids are writing about themselves

2:25 Definition of Play Therapy and the kinds of therapy

3:35 Reasons why children may go to therapy

5:47 Carl Rogers A person centered therapist:  3 tenets of his therapy

• Empathy
• Congruence
• Unconditional Positive Regard

5:55 Virginia Axline developed Non-Directive Play Therapy - 8 principles (see show notes for more formal list)

6:35 Definition of Unconditional positive regard doesn’t mean I love your behavior..it means I love you

7:45 Explaining the non-directive part of non-directive play therapy

8:20 Trust the child to move towards healing

10:45 Mirroring and attunement is something parents can also do at home to enrich and depend their relationship with their child

12:35 Children play in themes

15:35 Description of Fiial Play Therapy that parents can do it at home

17:15 Explaining the process of attunement

20:44 Setting limits around safety and other things requires consistency

22:59 Both Parents and children need empathy to feel understood

25:31 AutPlay is play therapy specifically designed for Neurodivergent kids

28:37 Jen’s advice for parents - 

31:35 We can trust children to lead the way with creative solutions towards their own healing

Resources:  

Video of Play as a form of communication

Jen Sims Website at the Redwood Center for Children And Families 

Jen Sims Instagram

Article on Non-directive Play Therapy and The Underlying Principles by Cognitive Behavioral Play Therapy

Filial Play Therapy

AutPlay Therapy Resources

Registration for Leslie’s  NEABPD Webinar on “Defiance, Disrespect and Disobedience: What Is It and What To Do About IT

Leslie-ism: Set aside 20 minutes to let your child lead the way in play

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and 

It's not unusual to feel stuck or trapped as a parent. Having options is the antidote to that feeling. You have options for how you think, how you behave, how you deal with emotions. And those options put you in the drivers seat…you get to see and feel the choices you have and you get to choose! This episode is the third and final episode with Jean and Alex who are dealing with their 6 year old daughter’s big emotions. We focus on how to change your mindset and review several coping strategies to help your child. 

Time Stamps

3: 22 Naming the skill - dialectic dilemmas and dialectic synthesis 

4:20 The dialectic dilemma is between the child’s needs and the parent’s needs.

5:15 Having options is a necessary element in our mental health - Noticing your “choices”

7:10 Helping parents helps our children:  realizing that your mood impacts your child’s mood

11:50 GIve your child (or anyone) permission to actually have the big emotions

13:20 Main dialectic dilemma between Acceptance and Change

• Acceptance often is needed first - it’s more effective to accept the moment before you try to change what’s happening
• First thing to do: Acknowledge the big emotion. 
• Then move onto solving the problem

20:25 A description of three states of mind (illustration of states of mind in show notes)

22: 50 Take your time teaching these skills to your child:  repeat it, use different metaphors, say it differently, use different examples

25:00 Skills to use to move your child from emotion mind to wise mind

• Acknowledge that your child is in emotion mind: Name it
• Rate it
• Distraction
• Flexible thinking - dialectic thinking with the magic AND
• Ice pack across your eyes, or face plant into a bowl of cold water
• Breathing Exercises (see Link to handout below)
• Puzzles, activities

25:44 Explaining how to move from the sympathetic nervous system to the parasympathetic nervous system to help us regulate

31:41 Do you feel different? Is the helpful question

34:32 weave the DBT skills and emotional regulation language into your everyday language.

36:13 Exposure work can be done as gentle exercises to help your child with uncomfortable situations

• Start easy and work you way up to harder situations 
• Mantra:  I’m scared and I can do it anyway
• STAY present
• Have faith that your child can do it

The goal is not to avoid the problem, the goal is to be reduce your emotion and return to the problem

Resources:  

NEABPD free Webinar presented by Leslie Cohen-Rubury titled “Defiance, Disrespect and Disobedience: What it is and What to do about it.” Click here to register

Handout on Mindfulness Breathing Exercises 

Video on three states of mind 

Leslie-ism: When you feel stuck, look for the options (I promise you they are there)

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcas

Welcome to Season 3!  We start this season off with a family from Australia.  Sarah is a mom of 2 boys- James is 12, Noah is 15, Sarah and her husband are both ex-military personnel which has a direct impact on their parenting.  In today’s episode we discuss how Sarah’s parenting style matches with James who has been recently diagnosed with ADHD, Autism, and Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Many parents can  probably relate to Sarah who tween is a really good negotiator especially when it comes to getting off video games. We explore the big picture concept of the parent-child fit. I also discuss and teach practical skills including setting the stage, coping ahead, and brainstorming to support Sarah in her parenting. 

Time Stamps

6:18 How a parent feels when a child is defiant:

7:30 When a parent is works on rules and boundaries and command and your child doesn’t work that way

8:55  Children who work well with predictability and structure like knowing what will happen and when it will happen and how it's going to happen.

10:30 Sarah changes her words from “his emotional regulation problems” to emotional regulation that is still developing

11:36 Raising an obedient child is different from raising a responsible child

11:41- 14:40 1When a parent thinks that a child’s behavior is a reflection of them (personalizing their behavior) and which leads to mom-guilt

17:00 When parents get diagnosis for their child and when they fear how their child will respond to a diagnosis

18:32 Describing the concept of a “good fit” between the child and the parent as well as the child and its school environment

20:42 The difference between a validating environment and an invalidating environment

23:49   Turn the volume down on the  “shoulds” and increase the volume up on the learning. What have I learned from this?  - A learning model of raising kids

26:55 When your child is an avid gamer and the challenges associated with it.

28:35 Describing a skill called “Setting the Stage” - prepare your child for what is likely to happen and how they will respond vs how they want to respond

30:50 An example of using the brainstorming skill

34:47 Don’t judge the big emotional reactions, just plan for it

35:50 A description of the Cope Ahead Skill (from Dialectic Behavior Therapy) 

38:10 Practicing skills over and over again is what makes them effective

39:00 Parenting is a long-term investment 

Resources:  

Leslie’s Handout: Understanding the Parent Child Fit

Leslie’s Handout: Misbehavior is a form of communication

Leslie’s Handout: Raising a Responsible Child vs Raising an Obedient Child                     Dialectic Behavior Therapy Cope Ahead Skill Handout

Leslie-ism: Take a look at your parent-child fit,

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. 

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produ

Help us shape Season 3 of Is My Child A Monster?! For the first time ever we’re doing a listener survey. You have the opportunity to tell us what you love —or would love less of — on Is My Child A Monster! The anonymous survey should take less than 10 minutes, and you’re welcome to answer as much or as little as you like. We’d love your thoughts even if you’ve never listened, help us understand why! Or maybe this is a good time to check out an episode.

Click here to fill out the survey.

Visit ismychildamonster.com  to:

• subscribe to my newsletter
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• complete the short survey to help us 

Do you need feedback? Of course you do. We all do! But giving and receiving feedback whether it's from or to your child or co-parent can be challenging. Feedback can often feel like criticism and can even feel invalidating. This episode is all about giving and receiving feedback skillfully so that you or the other person doesn’t become defensive or shut down. Today’s episode welcomes back Leslie’s daughter Dale Rubury who shares how she moved from the defensive stance as a child to the open and willing stance as an adult.  

Time Stamps:

• 3:18 Feedback is part of communication in all kinds of relationship
• 3:55 Defining Feedback as nonjudgmental information about their behavior that is intended to help someone grow
• 7:49 Why is feedback so important 
• 9:00 The person receiving feedback has complete power over HOW they receive it
• 9:07 What is RODBT? Radically Open Dialectic Behavior Therapy Fact Sheet
• 12:55 The faith of parenting means you believe that the child heard you
• 16:18 Why some kids have more difficulty getting feedback than others
• 19:05 In public some kids will receive feedback differently than when they are at home. It may be known as masking (click here for more information)
• 21:18 Notice and name their reaction
• 21:25 "Did i just say something was invalidating to you"
• 22:20 Watch out when the child gives feedback to you the parent
• 23:30 It’s the parent’s job to model receiving feedback for the child
• 24:33 Give kids time and space to learn to accept feedback
• 27:40 “Is this a good time to give you feedback?”
• 33:03 Use the metaphor of a buffet
• 37:49 Tips on receiving feedback
• 38:34 Recovering from invalidation
• 40:19 Not everything has to be processed, sometimes it’s healthier to let some things go

Resources:  

• Sign up here to be a parent guest on Is My Child a Monster? Podcast
• Radically Open DBT Fact Sheet
• Leslie’s Video:  Stop Repeating Yourself
• Leslie’s Newsletter on I-Must-Have-Done-Something-Wrong Street

Leslie-ism: Growing as a parent is about being open to new ideas, open to learning, and open to feedback.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special

Exposure to books makes a big difference for children. Reading not only fosters cognitive and emotional development but also builds closeness and routines. This week, Leslie spoke to author Deborah Farmer Kris about her experience as a teacher and parent, highlighting the unique needs of each child and the intellectual and emotional challenges of parenting. Kris also promotes the use of public libraries and simple, consistent reading routines. Kris's books, including those in the "All the Time" series, aim to teach emotional literacy and provide caregiver tips. She stresses that being a stable, caring adult is crucial for a child's resilience and well-being.

About our guest: Deborah Farmer Kris is a parent educator, journalist, and children’s book author.  Deborah has written for CNN, PBS KIDS, NPR, The Washington Post, the Boston Globe Magazine, and Oprah Daily. She is an advisor for the PBS KIDS show “Carl the Collector,” and is wrapping up edits on a parenting book, called “Raising Awe Seekers: How the Science of Wonder Can Help Our Kids Thrive.” She also founded the parenting website Parenthood365

Time Stamps

9:50 Cascading benefits of reading aloud- many cognitive benefits

12:15 Building memories, building routines

13:50 Creating a literacy rich environment

• Developing a context for understanding the world around you
• Building routine establishes a sense of groundedness

15:13 Libraries are under utilized which are free and public

19:20 Creative ways to bring books into the lives of children

22:40 Comprehension is higher than one’s ability to read

25:50 Books can teach emotional literacy

30:43 “I notice….” is a phrase you can use to open the door to communication

33: 20 Books have a therapeutic effect on children and adults alike

• Using children’s books to teach therapeutic concepts. For example “Quick as a Cricket” teaches about our many parts and a dialectic perspective

36:07 Harvard ‘s research study on resilience in children found that it boils down to one factor: the presence of one stable, caring adult in their life. 

Resources:

• To Learn more about Deborah Farmer Kris visit her Parenthood 365 Website 
• Click here to get Deborah Farmer Kris’ fabulous books for emotional literacy
• Leslie List of Children's Book for Developing Emotional Literacy
• A Video made by Leslie about How to use Books as Conversation Starters
• Harvard University: The Center for the Developing Child’s Research on Resilience

Leslie-ism: Try to find 10 minutes a day to read to your child

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper,  AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-R

An unspoken agreement with parents raising children is that they will be on the same page and they will be a united front. But that is often easier said than done. In part 3 of our 3 part series with Mary, her husband Antoine joins us to discuss what happens when they disagree, how it affects their 6 year old Oliver, and what they’re doing to make sure they come back together in healthy ways.

Time Stamps

• 7:34 What does “being on the same page” mean to you?
• 9:51 What does it mean when your child picks up that you are two different people, with two different personalities
• 12:42 For some people, harmony is necessary for the nervous system
• 15:56 Parents might be comfortable with conflict, and your child might need extra reassurance that you’re okay
• 18:43 It’s okay to give children a sense of control in the situation
• 22:03 Start having your child become aware of their level of discomfort - check in with them, and have them name it
• 22:40 An incredible lesson for a child: I’m uncomfortable, and I can handle it
• 25:50 In uncomfortable moments, prepare the family to brave the storm, and that it will pass
• Sometimes we need to table arguments to have them away from children, but it is beneficial for children to see their parents arguing; it can be damaging to only see harmony/”perfection”
• 30:46 Learning to “fight fair”
• 34:28 Repair is incredibly important for children to witness
• 34:40 Ideas of mutual respect and benefit of the doubt
• 40:40 Definition of radical acceptance
• 44:29 Idea that we can be different and still respect each other’s ways; you’re respecting your individual differences
• 45:49 What do tolerating differences look like?

Resources:  

• Sign up here to be a parent guest on Is My Child a Monster? Podcast
• Time Out: Resolving Family Conflicts available in both English and Spanish
• Rules on Fighting Fair provided by Therapist Aid

Leslie-ism: Mutual respect is key for repairing relationship ruptures

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Sometimes there’s nothing more frustrating than dealing with a frustrated child. In part 2 of our 3 part series with Mary, mother of six-year-old Oliver and a newborn baby James, Leslie explores just how exhausting being stuck in the frustration loop with your child can be—and how to break out of it. They also get into bedtime, setting limits, and parenting guilt. 

Time Stamps

• 0:36 Low frustration tolerance
• 3:03 Letting go of expectations is about accepting the moment in order to move forward. Remember: it’s supposed to be hard
• 11:54 “I need him to” is a dangerous thing to say
• 23:09 The tough job of being a parent
• 23:12 Bearing witness to your child’s discomfort or pain
• 23:19 The guilt of doing it good enough
• 23:47 The definition of guilt; we don’t need the extra burden of it
• 25:36 When to give in, when to ignore and when to set limits - these are confusing choices all parents face.
• 30:41 Assessing is important: there’s a cause for all behavior
• 33:13 Kids may need to be active to actually calm down their neurological system before bed: compression, getting wrapped up in a blanket, hugging a teddy bear, etc
• 39:25 Allow the misbehavior to communicate what’s going on
• 39:47 Take a guess at why your child misbehaved:  scared of nightmares, not wanting to end the day, feeling stimulated in his body and need to release tension of the day, wanting to be closer to mom.

Leslie-ism:  Learn as you go, learn from the past, and learn from mistakes. 

Resources:

• Sign up here to be a parent guest on Is My Child a Monster? Podcast
• Leslie's Video of Using the STOP Skill to Deal with a Low Frustration Tolerance

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Dealing with change can sometimes feel like ripping off a bandaid. Change is stressful, whether you are five or 55; and people respond to those changes in all different ways. And it is especially challenging when you are someone who likes structure, order, and predictability. In today’s episode Leslie explores this topic with Mary.  We met Mary last season when she was seeking support around grief and sleep for her then four-year-old-son, Oliver. Things have changed in Oliver's world, and that's why Mary’s back. The past year has been full of transitions and adjustments for Oliver and his family. Starting a new school year and having a new baby in the home are some of those changes that most parents can relate to. 

Time Stamps

4:37 Change is the only constant and children respond to those changes in many different ways. School, new siblings, caregivers all create change in family life.

8:13 Assess your child’s behavior as they respond to changes

12:04 Adjustments can feel scary, frustrating or full of unknowns

12:53 Reestablishing his sense of safety, connection and groundedness

16:60 Parents want things to go right, and be right.  Adjustments are often “messy moments”

17:15 Buddhist phrase:  no mud, no lotus

19:18 The child needs validation AND the parent needs validation, and that’s so hard

20:30 Anxiety often underlies the No’s, the opposition, the resistance, and the rigidity

21:27 Don’t ask WHY questions.  Make a few statements to choose from

22:10 For nail biting, avoid saying “don’t do that” and instead suggest what else the child can do with their hands.

26:57 Part of a parent’s job is to guide their child through the unknown

31:57 When your child says “no,” unpack that no with them. YES AND approach for the child who doesn’t want to hear a NO

32:40 Teach your child that feelings come and go. Create anchors for the anxious child

37:15 Help your child Balance out the knowns and the unknowns, the predictable and the unpredictable. 

Leslie-ism: You can be an anchor for your child in the sea of change. 

Resources

• Sign up here to be a parent guest on Is My Child a Monster? Podcast
• Well Hello Anxiety Podcast episode with Luke Beardon who discusses anxiety for neurodivergent kids
• No Mud, No Lotus: The Art of Transforming Suffering by Thich Nhat Hanh
• A visual graphic explaining the Window of Tolerance by NICAMB
• Article on Window of Tolerance by mindmypeelings
• Leslie’s Blog posting on Dialectic Behavior Therapy’s Three States of MInd

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on 

Having a roadmap to deal with your child’s Intense emotions and behaviors sounds like a great idea. Oftentimes when parents reach out for professional help, they want changes and they want them NOW. But instant results are not always the reality of raising children. On today’s episode Leslie has a conversation with bestselling author and educator Dayna Abraham about raising neurodivergent children and offering listeners a roadmap that can help. We also focus on making sure our kids don’t grow up feeling “badly” about themselves even if they do feel different by creating changes in their home environment

About our guest Dayna Abraham:

Dayna Abraham, bestselling author of Calm the Chaos: A Fail-Proof Roadmap for Parenting Even the Most Challenging Kids. As a National Board Certified educator, parent of three neurodivergent children, and an ADHD adult herself, Dayna brings a unique and out-of-the-box perspective to parents raising kids in the modern world. 

Time Stamps

• 6:08 Dayna Abraham’s abbreviated professional life story
• 10:00 The Roadmap framework: (Venn Diagram - The YOU Piece, Connection, Understanding, Empowerment
• 12:55 Description of Stages - Stages 1,2,3 set the foundation when you are in the eye of the storm
• 14:07 How to recoup energy
• 15:10 Putting ideas into practical examples
• 21:47 Determining when is a good time to push your child, and when to back off.
• 24:01 Work smarter not harder; sometimes kids just need to feel understood
• 28:49 Modeling flexible thinking for your child 
• 29:20 Kids don’t have meta-cognition, so it helps to “think out loud”
• 29:43 Before you can self-regulate, you have to be self-aware. Kids learn self-awareness through the adults around them
• 30:58 Parents cannot expect results overnight; need to focus on themselves and their patience
• 32:06 Start with what we can control: ourselves
• 36:22 If raising a neurodivergent child, adjust your timeline and adjust your expectations
• 38:08 You’re exactly the parent your child needs

Leslie-ism: The first step to help yourself and your child is to ride out the storm. 

Show Note LInks:

• Danya Abraham’s Website
  • Her podcast: www.calmthechaospodcast.com.
  • Her Book: CALM THE CHAOS: A Failproof Roadmap for Parenting Even the Most Challenging Kids 
• Article by Child Mind Institute What is Neurodiversity
• Is My Child A Monster? Episode with Special Guest Dr. Liz Angoff: A conversation about Neurodivergent children
• Handout by Dr. Liz Angoff - ​​Two Sides of a Coin of having a Neurodivergent Brain
• Sign up here to be a parent guest on Is My Child a Monster? Podcast

Is there an epidemic of overparenting? And if so, where does it come from?  Is it parenting from a place of fear, from a place of information overload, from the anxiety that is all around us, the drive to make our children perfect or is it from the frustration of trying to raise a child who doesn’t do what you want them to do?  In this third and final session with Pedro and Claudia, Leslie explores these questions.  Pedro and Claudia want to be the best parents they can be to their 16 year old son LIam, but are overparenting and doing too much undermining their efforts? Leslie turns her attention to the “overparenting problem” that’s shaping the next generation, and leaving them with lasting consequences. Together Leslie, Pedro, and Claudia discuss how to pivot from being “nagging” parents, to “chill” ones, and how to do that while still instilling your child with your core values and healthy limits.

Time Stamps

3:10 The impact of “less is more” motto on the parent-child relationship (yes we are well aware of the reversal in the podcast where by Pedro and Leslie said “more is less”

5:15  Parenting is forgiving

8:43 Three ways to change your behavior as a parent

1. 9:29  Shift from “I can’t do this” to “I will feel so much better if I do this”
2. 9:46 Get some support from partner who give you reminders and help out with the change
3. 10:35 Permission-giving. Getting the okay from someone else, someone you trust

14:25/16:39 The benefits of being a bit more “CHILL”  

14:52 Finding the balance - the middle path of parenting (see the video in the show notes)

17:25 Overparenting as result of parenting from a place of fear

19:40 The myth of the parenting “deadline”

21:25 The metaphor of a plant growing and the space it needs (see video below)

24:04 Understanding who your child is to is in order to build a foundation for them

• Biological make up
• Social environment

29:43 Parents have the privilege of seeing every side of their child

30:29 We want to send the message that a child is a whole person, and that includes the good the bad and the ugly

35:16 What are you missing? What is your child’s perspective? Parents often skip this step

36:50 How would you validate your child (clue to finding their perspective)

39:07 Reframing from “my child is taking the easy way out” and “manipulating” to “he’s doing what works”

44:14 Have faith that your child will be able to solve their own problems as they grow as adults

44:39 We don’t want our children to be afraid of growing up - what can parents do about this?

Show Note Links:

• Leslie’s Video: Plants Need Space and So Do Kids 
• Leslie’s Video: Stop Repeating Yourself
• Handout on Parenting Dilemmas from DBT
• Leslie’s Video: Walking the Middle Path to Balance the Dilemmas

Leslie-ism: Beware of Overparenting. Remember Less is More!

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits:

Anxiety attacks are not something we ever want to see our kids suffer through, especially if as parents we suffer them as well. In her second session with Pedro and Claudia, Leslie explores panic attacks and how they might differ from parent and child. The session also takes a turn towards the idea of “having the last word,” and what negative things are being reinforced when you continue to have this power struggle with your child. 

Time Stamps

• 4:58 How panic attacks affect the whole family in different and unique ways
  • Symptoms of panic attacks in a child vs parent
  • The hangover of the panic attack
  • The role of a person whose partner is suffering a panic attack
• 10:22 The difference between guilt and shame
• 12:23 Feelings come and feelings go 
• 13:13 Definition of panic attack.
• 15:18 Self talk skills help you when having a panic attack. Use these phrases:
  • “I am safe. I am capable.”
  • “Feelings come and feelings go”  “This too shall pass”
• 17:00 Understand the cause of panic attacks 
• 17:13 Develop skills before during and after panic attacks 
• 19:23 Sympathetic versus parasympathetic nervous system 
• 20:48 T.I.P.P.Skills to use to calm down the nervous system: 
  • The divers reflex Skill
  • Intense exercise Skill
  • Paced breathing Skill
• 27:35 Finding the middle path between acceptance and change —
• 28:45 When parents practice doing less as an antidote to overparenting
• 32:12 Kids and parents who want the last word - a power struggle
• 32:20 Discuss the skills you are using with your child and even with the school so everyone is on the same page
• 35:00 When having the last word works
• 36:22 Why parents engage in the power struggle of wanting the last word
• 38:12 Have faith that what you say “registers somewhere”
• 39:30 Parents have to remember that you don’t have to prove your own sense of personal authority without getting the last word
• 40:10 Reframing where the control lies. You want to have control over your own emotions
• 40:38 Overparenting is a strategy when parents are being controlled by their fears

Show Note Links:

NIH Research Article on Panic Disorder and Best Practices

TIPP Skills including a Video of Divers reflex skill

Leslie Demonstrates How to use the Diver Reflex Skill on Video

New York Times Article about Inside Out 2

Leslie-ism: When you feel panic coming on, tell yourself, “I am safe and I am capable”.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and 

Parents get exhausted because parenting is exhausting. Parents also can get exhausted because they are in essence tripping over their own feet.  Have you ever thought that your worry thoughts are the thing that is contributing to your exhaustion?  Whether it's your child or yourself, worry makes people uncomfortable. In this episode, we talk about teaching her child to handle discomfort through exposure work.  And when parents practice what they preach, their children are so much more likely to learn those lessons.That’s a parenting gem.  We also focus on how personal vulnerability plays into parenting, how to manage the frustration and how to find solutions through synthesis

Time Stamps

5:04 Learning to live with someone else is a spiritual practice - the frustration is a given and it teaches us to learn to tolerate differences

7:35 A Dialectic Dilemma - I want alone time vs I want to be with you all the time

• dialectic synthesis (makes a black and white design) vs a compromise (makes grey). See Handout below.
• Brainstorming your ideas for different syntheses promotes flexible thinking and multiple options

17:50 If we meet our child’s need when it's small, we may be able to keep it from escalating

20:30: Three strategies for dealing with Kids who want your attention

• I’m cooking (expect them to wait)
• Take a quick break and see what they want to show you
• Connect to your child before they ASK.  

22:04 Take responsibility for your own “frustration or irritation” - Own it, Name it

22:47 Be who you are, Accept who you are AND also work on Change!

25:08 Radical acceptance the normal frustration

25:30 Tolerating Differences is something children can learn when parents are different

26:25 Talking about the idea of our children “pushing our buttons” clinically called vulnerabilities and a prompting event for emotional reactions

28:23 Beware of blaming and shaming your child if you think your reaction is their fault. 

31:15 Children are trying to meet their needs:  Parents can interpret that as manipulation or believing that the child is “powering over you”

32:20 Children who ask questions over and over again may need reassurance

33:36 Lean into the child’s problematic behavior with curiosity and send it back to the child. Don’t make it about you. Make it about her

36:00 The homework assignment of making a list of “I CAN HANDLE IT”  - listing when she had a struggle and how she handled it

38:28  Advice for Parents: Try a little less hard.  Trying too hard: making everything a lesson, trying to get it so right.  General Surgeon said Parents are too stressed and its affedcting their mental health

Resources:  

US General Surgeon’s Advisory Article on “Parents Under Pressure”

Embark Behavioral Health Article on All or Nothing Thinking: The Impact of a Black and White Mentality

Leslie's Handout on Images of Dialectic Synthesis

Leslie-ism: Remember you don’t have buttons that your child pushes, but you do have vulnerabilities. Take a look and recognize those vulnerabilities so your kids don't do it first 

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, 

Sometimes parenting is so hard and exhausting, it doesn't feel worth it. In today’s session, Pedro and Claudia explain how much energy and effort they have spent trying to raise their 16 yr old teenage son Liam who has been diagnosed with Autism, ADHD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  While supportive, Pedro and Claudia are met with resistance at every turn, and have yet to see results from their parenting. Is that an assumption or is that really true?  In this episode, Leslie checks the facts, unpacks the fear and frustration, and addresses these issues with an upbeat and hopeful shift in perspective as well as practical strategies to try.

Time Stamps

4:35 What is your definition of being a good parent - getting the results from your child

5:09 Growing up with the culture of the “village” when raising a child and the support that comes with that

7:15 Feeling isolated when friends have neurotypical kids and you have a neurodivergent kid

8:45 Myths or limiting beliefs: We don’t want to burden other people with our problems

14:05 It’s more challenging dealing with a teen with diagnoses than with a toddler with diagnoses

16:00 Remember to see your child’s strengths in order to get a whole picture

16:55 Wanting your child to achieve their potential can be a great deal of pressure for both parents and teens 

21:00 Raising your child with Values creates a solid foundation

21:30 The frustration and fear of raising the teenager when you are getting the results you expect

28:58  Fear impacts your parenting mindset and perspective.  Where would you be without the expectations? Fear feeds frustration which feeds feeling like a failure

29:50 What behaviors are due to his diagnoses vs what’s developmental and age appropriate (see show notes for a handout)

31:00 Toddlers and teenagers have a lot in common.  Learning to individuate and differentiate from their parents.  This is when they practice saying NO to use their voice

32:25 The value of empathy that is expressed even after the situation 

33:08 Give your child the problem and let them solve it rather than telling your child what to do. Teach your child to find a synthesis when problem solving

38:30 The quality of being strong-willed and the behavior of getting the last word - relates to the child who has a single track mind

40:00 Save your Breath and listen twice as much as you talk

41:50 Turn the volume down on your passion for raising your son

42:55 Your parenting effort IS working. Have faith in the process. It takes patience

44:45 Finding your “Passion” or living to your “potential” are dirty words because they put pressure on you and your child

Resources:  

• Handout on Parenting Dilemmas from DBT
• Poem On Children by Kahlil Gibran

Leslie-ism: Save your breath when parenting, listen twice as much as you talk

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, 

“How can my child be a rule follower if they always say no to the family rules?” Leslie often catches parents off guard by suggesting that their child may actually be a rule follower. In this episode, Leslie has a conversation with her daughter Dale about what it’s like to grow up as a rule follower. In this episode Leslie and Dale explore the many traits that are often associated with the rule-following child such as perfectionism and intense focus on fairness. Assessing whether you or your child is a rule-follower may not be so obvious but may be critically important to understanding their behavior and ways of thinking. This conversation pulls back the curtain on what really goes on in the mind of the rule-following child.

Time Stamps

• 2:40 The importance of knowing your child and knowing what it means to be a rule follower
• 3:37 What “rule-followers” get out of following the rules
• 10:07 Being careful not to reinforce the child’s need to do everything perfectly
• 10:36 Helping your children practice being uncomfortable
• 17:56 The need for flexible thinking
• 26:12 Keep an eye out for when a child has an obsession with fairness
• 29:12 Advice for parents who have children who are rigid rule followers

Show Note Links:

• Free virtual Q&A with Leslie August 21st, 8 PM EST
• “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success” by Carol Dweck

Leslie-ism: Flexible thinking takes practice.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

It’s no secret that parenting is a challenge. We want our children to be happy, and it can be difficult to see them upset or hurting. Leslie has been working through this with Hannah and Alex, parents of three year old Paxton, who’ve returned for their third and final session. Together they reinforce the changes they’ve already implemented with Paxton, like correcting habits and communicating clearly. Leslie also shows them how they’re setting Paxton up for success now when it comes to very adult things like handling disappointment and pain. Hannah and Alex have also begun communicating their emotions more clearly, adopting the “emotion mind” language with each other, which in turn helps model it for Paxton. 

Time Stamps

• 5:30 Using Logic with someone in Emotion Mind usually doesn’t work (at any age)
• 6:20 Address issues, validate feelings, and move on (without bringing it up over and over)
• 7:03 Extinction burst - why behaviors tend to get worse before they get better
• 8:33 Teach kids early that they can handle disappointment
• 10:54 How to reinforce manners without giving in every time a child asks for something “nicely”
• 15:30 Life can be hard when you are a rule follower
• 20:04 Short-term gratification can cause children to always want more, more, more
• 20:38 Practice delayed gratification 
• Even if you don’t get the short-term results you want keep exposing your child to new foods and new activities
• 24:25 Practice communicating with your partner about being in emotion-mind
• 31:01 To promote flexible thinking and Dialectic thinking use “and” instead of “but”
• 37:34 You can’t protect your child from the pains of life, and the greatest gift you can give them is the ability to know that they can handle that pain
• 39:03 Review an event in the past is for the purpose of learning, not for re-experiencing.  Ask something like  “what do you think would work for you next time?”

Show Note Links

Three States of Mind

Reacting vs Responding

Youtube channel videos on Behaviorism

• How to increase wanted behaviors 
• How to shape behaviors
• How to decrease unwanted behaviors

Leslie-ism: When your urge is to react, take a pause and then choose to respond. 

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

There are many reasons why children feel uncomfortable. And when your child is uncomfortable you as the parent often feel uncomfortable. This week we’re back with Hannah and Alex for their second session, who have come to Leslie about their three year old son Paxton. These parents are vulnerable with Leslie when they speak about how hard it is for them to say no to Paxton when he wants something. They also admit that they regret some of the parenting choices they’ve made with Paxton, and fear that they are responsible for some of their son’s habits. Hindsight is hindsight. The focus of the session is about figuring out what to do now in the present time. But these parents are committed to growing and changing and Leslie is there for them every step of the way.

Time Stamps

• 3:24 Parents feel amazing when they do the hard work of taking technology out of the bedtime routine
• 7:40 Remember to reintroduce skills or foods or ideas at a later time
• 8:10 Commitment is necessary to  make change - and it provides the motivation
• 9:17 Creativity is great when it comes to food issues : how you serve it, when you serve it, what you serve, where you serve it
• 11:58 Dialectic perspective - honor and respect your partner’s perspective 
• 13:55 Giving in to the short term relief at the expense of long term gains. Especially when our children are struggling 
• 18:40 Parents can always look back and say, “I should have done it differently,” but parents shouldn’t shame themselves when they are doing the best they can with the skills they had at the time.
• 25:13 How should we as parents engage with our child’s big emotions; be careful to acknowledge without reinforcing it
• 26:43 When do we transition kids from distracting from big emotions to acknowledging big emotions
  • Teach your child that feelings are valid 
  • Distraction is one option (you can revisit the emotion later)
  • Validate the feelings, do nothing to fix it, and move on
• 29:40 Separate your feelings from you child’s emotions
• 33:57 When children have “comfort” habits like picking their parents’ fingernails
• 39:10 You can be emotionally connected with your child without being physically connected

Show Note Link

Leslie's Blog writing on The Dilemma of the Chinese Finger Trap


Leslie-ism: Take a moment to look at the ways you both physically and emotionally connect with your child.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Parenting is often counterintuitive and makes the job of parenting even more complex. Whether it's saying no to your child using technology or saying goodbye to your child, understanding the short term and the long term benefits and consequences is important. This is just one of the topics we explore in this episode with Hannah and Alex and their 3 year old son Paxton. The struggles of being parents of a toddler, the hindsight of seeing what they may have done that has made things worse and the desire to raise an emotionally intelligent child are some of the other issues that they work on with Leslie.  The practical tools as well as understanding concepts from Dialectic Behavior Therapy are useful to parents with children of any age.

Time Stamps

• 6:55 Noticing if you or your child is very literal or detail oriented.  This helps you understand the way your brain works
• 8:36 Being a first time parent often means stepping into the unknown and not knowing what to expect.
• 10:55 A broader perspective: is something going on in the environment that needs to be changed, is my child responding in a way that reflects who they are, or is my child’s behavior a problem that needs attention?
• 12:45 Parenting is often counterintuitive
• 13:10 Helping children feel safe in the world - how to give them that message
• 14:50 Avoiding the cue that sets off the “pain” for your child is not teaching them that they can handle life. Give them a step by step approach for helping your child deal with the “pain” of a situation
• 15:55 Parents don’t want to see their children unhappy
• 16:40 He can handle more than you think, you can handle more than you think
• 17:45 The short term relief vs the long term benefits - understanding the consequences of the short term relief
• 21:22 Picky eaters need to be accepted and at the same time, parents can shape their child’s behavior with exposure to new foods (see behaviorism video in show notes)
• 23:45 When parents have challenges growing up it makes them vulnerable to coping with their child’s feelings
• 26:39 Changing the bedtime routine - from technology for hours to books and lullabys
• 27:55 Behaviorism - What happens when a parent gives the child what they want after emotions escalate
• 30:00 Parents can name when they are in emotion mind so they can model it for their child
• 31:51 Description of the three states of mind
• 35:24 Use specificity and details if you want make behavioral changes

Resources:  

• Leslie’s Blog posting on Dialectic Behavior Therapy’s Three States of MInd
• Child Mind Institute’s Research Article on The Importance of Reading to your Children 
• PBS Article on Why Reading Aloud to Kids Helps them Thrive

Leslie-ism: Both you and your child can handle more than you think.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Coop

Sometimes when parenting a child that is struggling, tensions arise between the parents. This especially goes for parents with different parenting styles, or those with different levels of experience with young children. This is what Leslie gets into on this week’s episode with Louise and George. In her third and final session with the parents of six-year-old Anna and a newborn baby, Leslie uncovers the vulnerabilities of parents who want to break away from the way they were parented and feel like they want to do better when dealing with their daughter who has intense emotions. This session is a raw look at what it means to make mistakes as a parent and we invite you to listen with compassion and openness.

Time Stamps

• 3:30 How to use the T-graph with your child
• 6:39 Unpacking what it means to be an equitable parent vs being a “secondary” o or “trainee” parent 
• 8:35 A dialectic approach to holding both concepts together: being equitable and being a trainee
• 10:50 Making the goal of parenting a process of lifelong learning as your priority
• 11:24 Concepts of worthiness, learning, levels of contribution
• 15:50  How to give feedback to your partner 
  • I have an idea that might work for you  
  • Is there something I can do to help out here
  • Set the stage -  I respect that you are doing the best you can
• 18:39 Dealing with timely matters and feeling the pressure of time: getting to bed, getting out of the house
• 20:27 Celebrating differences in parents so children learn about tolerance and have a chance to learn from each parent
• 22:56 Your child is going to help you learn as well
• 26:00 Golden nuggets from Leslie
  • The qualities that drive you nuts now are going to be positive attributes later
  • The idea that the quality of your child is a reflection of you is a LOT of pressure
  • Focusing on the process rather than the outcome of parenting
• 28:10 Children may only show their big reactions at home and not in public
• 29:30 Being the “trainee parent” doesn’t really exist; we’re all trainees. Have faith in the process
• 36:06 The cost of aggressive anger in a parent and how to be responsible for it
• 38:30  The Three Step Apology 
  • State what you did
  • state how you it affected the child and yourself
  • Make an amends: talk about what you will do differently next time
• 40:45 Power struggles with your child
• 41:40 Children help us see what need to work on and we are all parents in training

Resources:  

• Leslie’s Blog Posting The Three Step Apology
• Leslie’s Handout: Using a T-Graph to Understand our Qualities and our Emotions

Leslie-ism: Focus on the process of parenting, not just the outcome.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubur

Louise and George have committed to parenting without force and want to parent without punishments or rewards, but what happens when their six year old Anna has what feels like never-ending tantrums? In her second session with them, Leslie reinforces the importance of connection, and sheds light on the pressures Anna may be putting on herself. Leslie also continues her conversation with George about helping him find joy in parenting. In an incredibly honest and vulnerable conversation, they talk about what it feels like when there’s a favored parent, what might be causing this behavior, and what Dad should do to change that.

Time Stamps

• 2:34 How a child’s frustrating attributes will be beautiful qualities when they’re an adult
• 4:05 How noticing and naming a child’s behavior can be effective in helping them change it
• 6:18 Example of how connecting with your child increases cooperation
• 8:27 Defining processing speed
• 9:10 Dealing with what parents would call “temper tantrums,” or what Leslie would say is a child having trouble regulating their emotions
• 12:35 How feeling trapped negatively affects mental health
• 15:45 It’s all about connection and disconnection
• 16:03 Staying one step ahead: Identifying and naming your child’s vulnerabilities as prompting events
• 18:40 How to not reinforce unwanted behaviors by not giving in, but inadvertently reinforcing behavior by ignoring it
• 21:57 Speaking to your child’s expectations that maybe they’re not even aware of 
• 24:04 Teaching your child a T graph: when does this quality work for you, when does it not
• 28:07 Discussion of different parenting approaches 
• 29:10 Children have a common worry of disappointing their parents
• 33:30 Relationship between mom and child vs dad and child
• 35:35 The challenges of co-parenting: when one parent feels invalidated by the other

Resources:  

• Leslie’s Handout: “Staying One Step Ahead of your Child”
• Leslie's Handout: A Visual Presentation of Family Organization
• Leslie’s Handout: Using a T-Graph to Understand our Qualities and our Emotions

Leslie-ism: Try to stay one step ahead of your child.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Leslie delves into one of the most common challenges parents face: how to navigate a strong-willed child who doesn’t do what you want them to do, This is first session with Louise and George who have a 6 year old daughter Anna and a newborn baby.  They bring to light the frustration many parents feel when their child refuses to do simple tasks, like brushing teeth or following a bedtime routine. And it is understandable when the frustration leads to the feeling that parenting is like a slog.  This episode also focuses on the different parenting styles and how that might be impacting their child’s behavior.

Time Stamps

6:35 Start with Compassion for yourself as a parent since this job is really hard
10:05 Mirror Neurons  Children pick up on what the parent is feeling and visa versa
10:40 Patience is needed for when seeking changes in behavior
14:13 Strategies for stepping into a conflict between parent and child

• Be a reporter and name what is happening - give information to others
• Do nothing
• Bait them with “I think you have something very important to say”
• Connect with your child especially when they are pushing you away with their behavior  “I am here and I want to hear you”
• “Hitting is working for you but its not working for me”
• Shape the behavior
  • hitting—->yelling
  • yelling—--> using a talking voice

20:35 Yetzer Hara and Yetzer Tov  - two ideas from Wendy Mogel’s book The Blessing of A Skinned Knee
23:35 Engage the child in “a plan” in order to problem solve challenging behaviors such as brushing her teeth
27:05 The theme of connection and how important that connection is
27:43 Getting at the root cause using the phrase “you must have a very good reason for (not brushing your teeth) or whatever the behavior is.
29:50  Communication is more than just the words: 70% of communication is nonverbal.  Your child is responding to your tone, gestures and facial expressions. 
33:10 Ask yourself how can parents have fun at the job of parenting
37:07 Connect first and then ask for the cooperation

Resources:: 

• Wendy Mogel’s Book:  The Blessing of a Skinned Knee

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Leslie-ism: Connection is the foundation for cooperation. 

Today’s episode is a revisit of the conversation between Leslie and her adult daughter Dale. It focuses on the skill of building mastery with new information and resources.  Parents can use this skill to build their children’s sense of confidence and competence. Building mastery can also provide a sense of accomplishment for all adults. This is an inside look at Leslie as a mother using this skill to help her anxious daughter. This episode is also a unique opportunity to hear these parenting skills from the child’s perspective. And in an unexpected move, Dale turns the tables and puts the spotlight on Leslie’s own building mastery.

About the guest: 

Dale Rubury was a producer and special guest in several episodes. After graduating from college with a degree in Zoology, Dale moved to warmer climates to pursue a career with animals. She worked at the largest primate sanctuary in North America for 7 years before moving on to a different career path. For the past few years, she has been in the world of construction where she was building yurts and working for Habitat for Humanity. Dale is currently enrolled in a graduate program to become a Physical Therapy Assistant. Dale is proud to say that she has a healthy relationship with her anxiety.

Resources:

• Leslie 's Handout on The Need to Feel Capable
• Youtube Video  Building Mastery Skill 

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcast/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Leslie-ism: Building a sense of accomplishment comes from challenging ourselves.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Today’s episode marks the third and final session with Emma, mother of four in a blended family who relies on parenting strategies of the past. But things change, and we may also need to change the way we raise our children. Leslie continues to explore Emma’s family patterns from her past, myths about parenting and fears that are so much a part of raising children. In this session, Leslie offers alternative strategies to the traditional punishments that parents so often rely on.  Once again Leslie redefines how we understand misbehavior and more specifically how we look at “punishment”. Does taking things away and giving out time outs actually work? Or is there a more effective way?

Time Stamps

• 4:40 Myth: Parents have to fix their children’s problems
• 4:56 Being a calm authority and pillar of support
• 5:55 Validation has the power to make children feel heard and they stop repeating themselves
• 12:15 Be responsible for your own panic
• 12:31 Some people need more time to process (their feelings, instructions, or a situation)
• 15:35 Take a step, take a beat, and see if the step works. If not, go back
• 20:20 Leslie’s class: Making the Punishment Fit the Crime
• 21:39 Class name was intentionally provocative, because punishment doesn’t work
• 22:58 It is not a crime for your child to misbehave
• 23:20 Misbehavior is not a crime, it’s a learning experience and a form of communication
• 29:30 Punishment creates shame (and abandonment) in the child
• 30:24 An alternative to time out: take space, time in, staying connected
• 31:20-35:30 Tool box for dealing with misbehavior
  • What does it communicate
  • Let it go
  • Validate, validate, validate
  • Problem solve (finding other options)
  • Conflict resolution steps
  • Observe and describe what’s happening
  • Do Nothing is an option
• 32:18 Principles of reinforcement
• 35:30 Let’s not throw away “time out,” let’s transform it into “do you need some space”

Resources:  

• Miles Davis quote: “It’s not the note you play that’s the wrong note – it’s the note you play afterwards that makes it right or wrong.”  
• Leslie’s newsletter:  The Art of Healthy Neglect 

Leslie-ism: People including kids are doing the best they can with the skills they have at the current time. 

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is the third mini bonus episode that looks at rigid thinking which is quite common in both adults and children.  It often leads to frustration and even conflict within yourself and in your relationships. In this episode, we explain problematic thinking patterns, identify lots of examples and how to catch and change your thinking to help you live more effectively to get what you want and deserve.  

Time Stamps

1:40 Definition of Rigid thinking and its various names:

• All or nothing thinking
• Black and white thinking
• Dichotomous thinking

3:01 LImits of Dichotomous thinking - creates conflict because it 

• Limits our ability to take another person’s perspective
• It often leads to the two categories of right and wrong

4:35 There is an impact of your words on both yourself and on others

5:04 These are cognitive skills - understanding and observing your thoughts

6:20 Label thoughts as “a thought is just a thought” — Planning thoughts, worry thoughts, judgmental thoughts

7:50 Society teaches us and reinforces all or nothing and dichotomous thinking

8:45 First step is to recognize your thoughts

• Look for problematic thinking patterns (formerly known as thinking errors)
  • All or nothing thinking
  • Catastrophizing or predicting negative outcomes
  • Mindreading
  • Overgeneralization
  • Mental filter
  • Disqualifying the positive
  • Emotional reasoning - 
  • Should statements
  • Labeling
  • Personalization

12:28 Strategies: 

1. Listen to yourself - observe your thoughts
2. Catch it
3. A thought is just a thought
4. Don’t believe everything you think
5. Imagery of passing clouds

13:13 Learn to think dialectically

• Ask what’s missing
• Adding other perspectives 
• Use the phrase, “its a feeling, not a fact”
• Use the magic “AND” to make a dialectic statement 
• Change your extreme words (ex - always —> often)
• See the negatives as well as the positive aspects of a situation

Resources:  

Handout of Problematic Thinking Patterns (formerly called thinking errors)

Leslie-ism: When it comes to your problematic thinking pattern - look for it, catch it, and change it

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is the second session with Emma, mother of four children. After just one session, Emma is having breakthroughs about how her own traumas are affecting her judgment with her kids. She and Leslie discuss the warning signs of rumination (a symptom of her anxiety) and how to reel it back in once she’s started. They also work through a few role-playing scenarios in order to see  how Emma can validate her children without unfairly punishing them. Sibling dynamics are never easy, and while Emma’s anxiety may be telling her she needs to “fix” every problem, Leslie gently reminds her that children don’t need fixing, but they do need some very important things from their parents in order to feel emotionally safe and secure.

Time Stamps

• 4:34 Use the line “I wonder if…”  to clarify what your child is thinking or feeling
• 6:31 Stop putting your adult expectations and standards on children
• 8:43 The shift from being a victim in your relationships can be a shifting of expectations as well as empowering you with skills to make you feel confident in the situation.
• 13:15 Whose problem is it?
• 14:43 How body sensations help us identify emotional reactions. 
• 16:06 Understanding Rumination (and how to prevent it)
• 21:43 Is your child tuned into fairness and unfairness? And what it means in terms of sensitivity and dichotomous thinking
• 23:50 How we help children have a growth mindset vs a fixed mindset
• 25:17 Children repeat themselves when they don’t feel they are being heard
• 27:42 How to validate children: reflecting back what they’re saying so they know you understand
• 34:20 Shifting from “tell me what happened” to “what’s your version of what happened  (each child tells their POV)
• 35:51 We’re not looking for blame, we’re looking for understanding and empathy
• 36:12 Shame: let’s avoid interrogations, and make them feel safe instead

Resources:  

• Video of Leslie doing a handstand - demonstrates the bottom up approach to mindfulness
• Video: The Story of Ruby - how misbehavior is a form of communication
• Blog writing on Staying One Step Ahead of Your Child  
• Handout on  Conflict Resolution Strategies for Kids by Scholastic
• Mindset by Carolyn Dweck: a book about fixed vs growth mindset

Leslie-ism:   Expect your children to misbehave

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host, visit Leslie's website. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar and me.   

Today is the first of three sessions with Emma who is a mom of 4 children in a blended family. Henelly, her 7 year old daughter is from her first marriage. Emma and her second husband have 3 year old twins, Grayson and Claire and a new baby, Olivia.  Emma reached out for therapy concerned that Henelly is manipulating her. Parents may often feel this way but it's a serious accusation.  Leslie unpacks that word and explores how Emma’s past experiences are influencing the way she interprets her child’s communication style.  And there’s more to this episode which includes when parents feel helpless, when kids give voice to the fighting refrain -  “it’s mine, no, it’s mine” and those seldom-working promises that you make with your children.


Time Stamps

• 4:30 Reframing the word manipulation - children are designed to get their needs. 
• 7:10 Varying communication skills - nonverbal to indirect to direct 
• 9:58 Examples of dialectic dilemmas - clearly articulate the dilemma
• 13:00 Reinforce the behavior you want more of. 
• 15:15 The continuum of nonverbal to indirect to direct
• 21:20. The parent trap of promises
• 22:43 Use the phrase “what's going to happen when….”
• 25:00 How to give your child some healthy ways to be in "control"
• 28:00 Reasons why children take on the role of parenting
• 25;45 The feeling of being trapped is a terrible feeling. The antidote is identifying some options. 
• 35:25 The unintended consequences of possessiveness of toys and finding a balance between mine and ours

Resources:  

• DBT Handout on levels of intensity for making a request 
• Video on Levels of intensity for making a request

Leslie-ism: Fostering effective communication means learning to speak your child’s language. 

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This week, host Leslie Cohen-Rubury sits down with anxiety expert Lynn Lyons. Together they discuss the challenges of parenting anxious children and the importance of addressing anxiety in families. Lynn’s work is research-based and her practical strategies for dealing with anxiety may surprise you but will make sense as you listen to this episode.  There’s a lot to learn about anxiety.  Leslie and Lynn’s conversation focuses on how  parents and caregivers can unintentionally make anxiety worse, how anxiety works and how to live with it effectively - and no, the answer is not eliminating it.   

About our Guest: Lynn Lyons is a psychotherapist, author, and speaker with over 30 years of experience and a special interest in interrupting the generational patterns of anxiety in families. Her latest book, The Anxiety Audit, looks at the seven sneaky ways that anxiety and worry weave their way into our families, friendships, and jobs, and provides actionable steps to reverse the cycle and reclaim emotional well-being. Her podcast, Flusterclux, is filled with so many of her strategies for managing anxiety, as is her website: lynnlyons.com

Time Stamps

• 3:43  Defining Anxiety
• 5:00  Avoidance begets Avoidance
• 8:43  The keys of anxiety are certainty and comfort
• 9:38 Plans that work vs plans that don’t work 
• 12:20 The three X’s - expect it, externalize it, experiment with it. 
• 15:40 Elimination strategies make anxiety worse
• 15:50 Tolerating uncertainty is what makes it better. 
• 20:45 Research on kids who are raised by anxious parents - 4 takeaways
• 26:25 Change the question from how do we help the child calm down to how does this child continue to freak themselves out. 
• 29:20 Why the accommodation model at schools to treat anxiety is not working
• 31:50  Parental Experiential Avoidance - Parents unable to tolerate their distress or their children’s distress
• 33:05 Expectations of therapy if your child is being treated for anxiety
• 37:24 Stopping the transmission of generational anxiety
• 38:40 Anxiety and Depression are disorders of passivity.  Retraining the brain for action

Resources:  

• Website: lynnlyons.com  Podcast: Flusterclux.com
• Instagram: lynnlyonsanxiety  Facebook: Lynn Lyons Psychotherapist

Leslie-ism: Remember Lynn Lyon’s 3 X’s - We need to expect it, externalize it, experiment when dealing with anxiety

For  more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper,  AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. 

This episode is the third and final session with Leigh and Pierre whose nearly 5-year-old daughter Jean has big emotional reactions. Leslie explores how her big emotions and reactions part of a bigger picture of anxiety, perfectionism, and discomfort with vulnerability - things so many children struggle with.  And it's no surprise that Leigh and Pierre have their own history and journeys with anxiety and vulnerability.  Leslie talks about ways to manage anxiety in the day to day as well as in heightened emotional states for both parents and children. Leslie also recommends teaching mindfulness at an early age because you can’t “control” those big emotional reactions in your child but with mindfulness, you can control how you and your child respond to them. 

Time Stamps

• 3:30 Step one when facing challenging situations - make a list, visualize it, and carry it with you.   “Take anxiety with you when you travel” metaphorically. 
• When you get new information from an evaluation
• 9:53 Strategies to use when your child is having really big reactions
  • Using a change in temperature to help calm your child 
• 11:25 Teach your child the TIPP Skills from DIalectic Behavior Therapy - TIPP Skill
• 12:25 When do you teach the skills to your child
• 13:28 How do we  know if somethings not working - what does success  look like when you're teaching skills to your child  
• 15:20 Mindful awareness of anxiety/discomfort
  • Observe and describe
  • Choose what you want to be mindful to
  • Radical Acceptance: “it is what it is”
  • Self-talk and Encouragement
• 19:27 Teaching mindfulness to our even if there’s nothing wrong - expose them to the concept of mindfulness at an early age so they can grow into - use it the word itself
• 21:55 Mindfulness exercises as a family connection and togetherness
• 24:30 Dealing with your child’s big reactions in public - be compassionate with yourself
• 26:37 The Power of Vulnerability - Learning to deal with the discomfort of the moment
• 28:32 What a child needs from their parent 

Resources:  

• “Packing Anxiety with You” video
• Victor Frankle Quote Image 
• Leslie’s Handout on Breathing Mindfulness Exercises
• Video Bubble Bounce! Mindfulness for Children - a practical video to teach and practice your mindfulness skills
• "The Diving Reflex" video demonstrating one of the TIPP Skills - T: temperature change activating the diving reflex to help you calm down
• Handout explaining TIPP Skills from Dialectic Behavior Therapy

Leslie-ism: Take a breath, take a pause and pay attention to what happens.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and 

This episode is part two of a three part series with Leigh and Pierre who have two daughters, Jean, almost 5 years old and Nina, 2 years old. This episode explores two very common parenting patterns: we want our children to fit in, and we don’t want our children to suffer in ways we may have suffered. And yet, trying to force those things causes a different kind of suffering. Leigh and Pierre also seek to gain understanding of what they describe as Jean’s “controlling behavior”.  Leslie supports Leigh and Pierre to understand the controlling behavior from the perspective of identifying its causes and function. These behaviors may be relatable for many families especially as it relates to anxiety.

Time Stamps

• 3:15  When parents replace the pressure to be like a “normal kid” with giving themselves permission to “not worry” or to accept who their child is
• 3:55  Wanting the best for your child and what that means
• 5:45 What it means when your child is a people pleaser 
• 9:35 Children who are “observers”are actively learning an
• 11:10 Assessing what is a child’s behavior of shutting down communicating
• I may not be ready
• I maybe be overstimulated
• There may be too much going on
• I don’t know what is expected of me
• I don’t like what is expected of me
• 13:50 The fear of what will happen to my child as an adult
• 15:15 Defining exposure work to teach children that they are capable of handling uncomfortable situations
• 17:10 Assessing why some children will NOT try something new or shutdown
• Afraid of being watched
• Perfectionism - I have to do it well or I don’t want to do it at all
• Not feeling safe 
• Feeling like she is not in control 
• 20:05 How to give a child a sense of personal control
• 25:35 When making travel plans - Use paper and pencil to make it concrete
• List what things will be fun and easy
• List what things will be challenging and hard
• Remember to add a space for unknowns and surprises that may happen
• 31:31 What skills you can use if your child is in emotion mind - See the TIPP skills in show notes
• Cold compress, cold air
• Intense exercise
• Parents talking quietly so your child has to listen
• Parents talking about something that will catch your child’s attention

Resources:  

• TIPP SKILLS HANDOUT when your child is in emotion mind - and they cannot use other skills past their skills breakdown point
• Articles explaining exposure therapy for children: 
  • Facing Fears:  How exposure therapy can help children with Anxiety
  • Exposure Therapy: Definition, Types, Approaches and More

Leslie-ism: Try to let go of who you think your child should be, so they can grow into their best self.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and par

This is part one of a three-part series with parents Leigh and Pierre. Leigh is from the US and Pierre is from France, and they moved their family from France to the states one year ago. They have two children - almost 5 yr old Jean  and 2 year old Nina. However, they came to Leslie to talk  about Jean who is not speaking outside of her immediate family.  Over time, Leigh and Pierre have heard the diagnosis “selective mutism” and have made changes accordingly, but they’re still struggling with what they should do. In this episode Leslie walks Leigh and Pierre through an assessment of why a child might be selectively speaking. While there are lots of causes, they mostly boil down to vulnerability. Is Jean stressing about her learning two languages at once? Struggling with perfectionism?  Or Is she not feeling safe when she’s out in the world? We ask these questions and many more in this session

Time Stamps

• Selective Mutism
• Parents explain how they’re reacting to their child’s struggles
• When parents can relate to their  struggles - is there a  genetic component
• Developing an avoidant behavior: the child speaks when they feel safe
• Confidence, safety, willingness: 3 important things, without them child is left feeling vulnerable
• Talk about what perfectionism looks like in kids and adults. Perfectionism and its relationship to anxiety
• Practice being vulnerable - the problem with avoiding or suppressing those uncomfortable emotions. Some kids gravitate to only wanting to experience the pleasant emotions
• Practice learning to be comfortable in an uncomfortable situation
• Indirect ways to support:
  • Letting child use nonverbal and indirect communication (and validating it)
  • When you’re with other people, practice talking (not to them, but around them)
  • Tell them “can you give yourself practice making a mistake”

Resources:  

• The podcast Well, Hello Anxiety with Dr Jodi Richardson episode on selective mutism 
• Other resources on selective mutism

Leslie-ism: What is the loud and clear message you may be sending to your child

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Today’s is a special episode focusing on sibling dynamics. We take a break from our typical therapy sessions to talk to Leslie’s 34-year-old twins, Dale and Carrie. Together they share in an open and honest conversation the challenges of being themselves and being in relationship with each other. Dale had intense emotions and challenging behaviors as a kid, and doesn’t understand how Carrie didn’t hate her, or at the very least resent her. Carrie was easy going and flexible, and she grew up wondering if there was something wrong with her. In this dialogue we look at how complex sibling relationships can be. What happens when one sibling has higher needs than the other? How do parents balance the needs of each child when helping one can actually hurt the other? Hear what Dale and Carrie reveal about the evolution of their relationship not just as siblings, but as twins, from childhood to adulthood.

About our guests: 

Dale Rubury is excited to be back on Is My Child A Monster? as she was a producer and special guest in Season 1. After graduating from college with a degree in Zoology, Dale moved to warmer climates to pursue a career with animals. She worked at the largest primate sanctuary in North America for 7 years before moving on to a different career path. For the past few years, she has been in the world of construction where she was building yurts and working for Habitat for Humanity. Dale is currently enrolled in a graduate program to become a Physical Therapy Assistant. Dale is proud to say that she has a healthy relationship with her anxiety.  

Carrie's passion for exploring humanity, in all its messiness and wonder, has driven her career. Her career has led her across the globe, working in Latin America and Africa, and across various industries, from public relations and restaurants to leadership development and healthcare. Carrie continued to follow her curiosity about how people change and grow into graduate school to earn her MSW. Carrie is currently working as a clinical social worker in a community practice in upstate New York. She lives with her husband and dog, Lou. Outside of work, she is likely cooking with friends or adventuring in some wilderness. 

Resources:

Leslie’s Handout on The Need to Feel Significant 

Leslei’s Handout on The Need to Feel a Sense of Belonging

Is My Child a Monster?  S1 Ep 14 The Apology Episode with Special Guest Dale Rubury

Leslie’s video of the Orchestra Metaphor which teaches us  to respect people for who they are

Leslie-ism: All children need to feel like unique individuals and also need to feel like they belong.

Timestamps:

• 1:53 The metaphor of a mobile: a family systems perspective where all family members impact each other 
• 10:17 For the low needs child you can explain that “It's hard being [the sibling with anxiety], and it's hard being you”
• 12:26 Holding the dialectic dilemma: “I love her and am also angry at her”
• 16:30 The empathy issue for children - when a child is young and struggling, they may not be able to understand the other person’s perspective 
• 17:47 Give the problem back to the child who is being mean 
  •  It’s Dale’s problem, not Carrie’s
  • Give compassion to the child who is struggling in the moment 
  • Connect to the child who is the “victim”

This is the second half of the final session with Molly and Alastair. Their kids, Katherine (4) and Elizabeth (8), are benefitting from the changes that their parents are making at home. As parents we want quick behavior fixes, but let’s not underestimate the power and impact that modeling behavior has on children. Molly and Alastair are no different. Leslie’s focus on the parents helped them realize that  anxiety exists in the family—from the grandparents, to the parents, to the children themselves. Together, they face these generational patterns head-on. It’s often surprising how anxiety can fly under the radar for everyone in a family, but it’s a significant factor in raising kids, so how can we better identify it and, more importantly, learn to manage it.

Time Stamps

• 5:25 Myth are mistaken beliefs that we may have learns from childhood or society
  • It’s not ok to experience the natural consequences because its too painful
  • It’s my responsibility to make sure everything goes “right”
  • If something goes wrong, someone is going to be blamed. It has to be someone’s fault
  • It’s your job to make sure everyone has to be happy
• 7:03 Generational anxiety - stop the cycle
• 7:55 Dichotomous thinking of seeing things as right or wrong, good or bad. 
  • Use the phrase: That’s your version,  this is my version.
• 10:20 Find another interpretation skill - to teach that there are other perspectives
• 11:15 Molly added the expression:  Don’t yuk someone else’s yum
• 14:55 Wanting everything to go right is a way of expressing anxiety
• 16:10 Compassion is an effective way of dealing with one’s anxiety
• 18:10 Preparing our children to handle the uncomfortable situations (see The coping skills toolbox for Anxiety in show notes below)
• 19:50 Various ways that Anxiety presents itself
  • Suppress it, avoid, procrastinate, go into a hole
  • Get into a frenzy, ruminating, making sure everything is “right"
• 21:55 Modeling for your children 
• willingness to be vulnerable and willingness to be uncomfortable.
• Choose your long term value as a guide for the dialectic dilemmas

Resources:  

• Handout on The Coping Skills Toolbox for Anxiety
• Video of The Coping Skills Toolbox for Anxiety
• Handout on When Being Right is not Effective:  How dichotomous thinking can be problematic.
• Dialectic Behavior Therapy Handouts: 
  • Myths that get in the way of Interpersonal Effectiveness
  • Myths about Emotions

Leslie-ism: Teach different perspectives by saying, “that's your version and this is my version”.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and 

Today’s episode is the third session with Molly and Alastair where things take a turn inward. Molly and Alastair first contacted Leslie to get help with their two daughters, 8 year old Elizabeth and 4 year old Catherine but in the process began to face their own struggles with their belief systems and expectations.  In addition, in this session Molly and Alastair face the complexities of family communication and interactions. This episode throws a spotlight on the delicate dance of respecting different parenting styles. Leslie shares strategies to increase effective communication in their relationship.  In this heart-to-heart conversation you are bound to feel a shift in their perspective and possibly a shift in your own perspective as well.

Time Stamps

• 3:00 When the parents “gives more” the child ends up cooperating more
• 4:30 Connection = mutual respect = trust
• 5:03 Refocusing from the “end goal” to the present moment
• 5:17 Children remind us to be in the present moment
• 6:50 As a parent your battery gets worn down 
  • Worry and stress about kids getting along
  • Desire to do things right causes us stress
• 9:50 Parents avoidance to letting the child get upset
• 11:30 Generational myth to make sure everyone is happy
• 11:50 Kids relax when parents aren’t constantly trying to fix them.
• 12:30 Parents are learning to get used to when the kids are upset with each other or with you.
• 13:25 When the second parent steps in to the interaction between a parent and a child. Ways to step in:
  • You can say “Is that working for you” 
  • come in with a neutral non-judgmental stance
  • You can say “I notice there is a bit of a struggle” 
  • You can say “Can I be of help to either of you?”
• 19:30 Doing things the right way and letting go of wanting to be right  
• 21:08 Find the positive intention of another person’s behavior
• 26:05 Accurate communication: Put words to those chaotic moments - Narrate it 
  • One minute check in
  • Expect and accept the bumps and rough spots in parenting 
  • Molly’s idea of naming the “unicorn parent” who is the parent on point

Resources:  

• Handout on When Being Right is not Effective:  How dichotomous thinking can be problematic.
• Handout on Seeing the Positive Intention of Another Person’s Behavior

Leslie-ism: When you want to step in, pause and ask your partner, “is there anything I can do to help?”

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This episode is part two of three sessions with parents Molly and Alastair. Last week Leslie focused on the sibling dynamics between their daughters, 8-year-old Elizabeth and 4-year-old Katherine. This week we focus on a different kind of dynamic: the power struggle. In the fight for power between child and parent, Leslie offers an alternative: stop struggling for power and put an end to the power struggles. In this episode Leslie discusses identifying the problem behind the struggle, what the problem really is, whose problem is it, and learning to ask: can we try that again?

Time Stamps:

• 5:02 Whose problem is it? Is it the child’s problem or is it the parent’s problem
• 7:07 Definition of power struggle
• 8:15 What happens if the parent give in
• 9:52 Example of sibling rivalry and how parents reinforce the escalation 
• Strategies to deal with power struggles
  • 12:02 Say that you need a moment (to get into wise mind)
  • 12:39 Engage your child in the problem solving process 
  • 12:54 Do a pros and cons
  • 13:34 Notice and name what’s going on
  • 14:12 Use the phrase “try it again”
• 15:20 How to give the problem back to your child
• 19:39 Go below the surface - Restate child’s blaming statement into naming the underlying emotion
• 23:10 Parenting using “try it again” between the parents
• 27:31 If I had the superpower of mindreading - add levity to a situation and tapping into your child’s imagination
• 27:40 Mindreading is known as a problematic thinking problem
• 28:23 Again - give the problem back to your child
• 30:05 Stop and acknowledge when your child gets through a struggle - reinforce that they did it!!
• 32:21 How to gain some distance and perspective on past experiences so you don’t end up re-experiencing
• 35:20 Naming the dialectic dilemma and identifying priorities
• 36:10 Understanding how to find a synthesis as a solution to a dialectic dilemma

Resources:  

• Handout titled:  Whose Problem is it?
• Handout on choosing between power over, power under and personal power belief system

Leslie-ism: When you don’t like a Child’s response use the phrase “Try Again” 

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Children need to feel safe and capable as they venture out into the world. Jean and Alex are parents who came to me for help with their 6 year old daughter’s challenging behavior when she didn’t feel safe or capable. Ellie is a highly sensitive child for whom getting a shot and then taking off the bandaid have turned doctor visits into scary events for both Ellie and her mom.  In this episode we assess the problem and discuss how rigid thinking make these situations so difficult and ultimately what you can do about it. This episode will get you thinking about your own thinking patterns and help you understand the importance of feeling safe and capable in your life or your child’s life

Time Stamps

4:30 The bandaid coming off is not going to be a lifelong issue. It’s the sensitivity that will the lifelong issue 

6:05 Anticipatory Anxiety is thinking ahead of what could go wrong

6: 25 Problematic thinking patterns: See handout below

9:36 Avoidance is a short term solution to a problem of discomfort but not a long term solution

11:58 The balance between respect and authority.  

• Respect her through validation
• Setting the limit with your authority communicates that she is actually safe

13:10 Here’s how to deal with the anxiety

• Feel the anxiety and do it anyway
• I am scared AND I can do it anyway. A dialectic statement.  Repeat this over and over again as your child grows

17:15 Replace “good and bad” with “is it working and is it not working”

18:00 When children have a big emotions there may be an underlying belief,  “I am not safe, I am not capable or I am unloveable”

21:25 The learning after an exposure is a critical for growth

• Drawing pictures- graph sin curve
• Rating scale numbers that go up and down. 

23:50 Some children/adults are slow return to baseline after an event

28 50 Watch out for the “shoulds”  and the fears 

30:00 Make a list of handling-my-discomfort-list even when its a struggle

31:05 Using the line “Feelings come and feeling go”

34:10 Shaping her behavior so her communication becomes more accurate. 

• Identify social  signaling or inaccurate expression
• Give her time to practice and learn these skills

35:35 Children who are born more sensitive:  Look at 3 biological markers

• Emotional sensitivity (low—--------------------high)
• Emotional reactivity  (low—--------------------high)
• Emotional recovery   (quick—------------------slow)

36:10 Teach your children the difference between rigid thinking vs. flexible thinking

• Other interpretations 
• Other possible outcomes
• Dialectic thinking:  Use the magic “AND”

Resources:  

• Handout of Problematic Thinking Patterns and Examples

Leslie-ism: Shift your thinking by shifting your language

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie

This is part one of the three part series with Molly and Alastair. These parents have 2 children who are very different. Elizabeth is 8 years old and is an easy going kid. Katherine is a high energy 4 year old with intense emotions and more challenging behaviors. While the parents originally reached out to Leslie for help with their youngest, this episode ended up focusing a little more on their eldest. How exactly can a parent make sure they’re still there for a child when they don’t need literal support? Turns out children may not need the same level of support but they do need the same level of connection. Leslie also discusses sibling dynamics, the myth of the “oldest sibling,” mom guilt, and more. 

Time Stamps

• 8:30 Birth order traits - the oldest daughter who feels responsible for the younger sibling
• 8:44 Pet peeve when parents say “YOU are the big sister” Or “you should act like the big sister”
• Tuning into our children - leads to strong attachments 
• Observing our children help children feel like their parents see them and understand them
• 12:55 Name the dilemmas - you want to take care of your sister AND you want to play with your own friends
• 15:11 Metaphor of needing to go shopping, but prioritizing which store you can make it to today vs next shopping trip (drugstore, shoe store and grocery store)
• 15:48 There is a difference between what’s important to you and what’s the priority of the moment
• 22:07 She may not need the same level of support, but she does need the same level of connection.  
• 25:22 The child coming from a secure, safe and validating environment is more prepared to cope with life challenges
• 28:10 Mom’s narrative - I was the capable one
• 29:00 How to reassure and support Elizabeth (the “easy” child)
• Create a tool box:
  • 29:33 Notice and name her behavior
  • 29:47 Get rid of narrative of “you are the older sister or the big sister”
  • 30:45 Validate the hard parts
  • 35:00 If I had a magic wand
• 31:36 What happens when the parent grew up with a sibling with disabilities
• 33:36 Save the stories of your childhood when its not in the moment of emotional upset
• 36:01 The metaphor of instruments in an orchestra - treating each musical instrument differently
• 38:21 Whose problem is it?
• 39:24 Myth - it's not ok for others to be upset with me. (mom still struggles with this)

Resources:  

• Newsletter on myths that may be guiding your parenting that you may want to question, titled " Have you Outgrown your Childhood Beliefs?
• Video: Dilemma Metaphor on how to deal with conflicting needs or wants 
• Video: Orchestra Metaphor on how need to treat each instrument differently and with respect

Leslie-ism: Remember to use “if I had a magic wand” 

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, 

Today’s bonus episode is with special guest Jamilah Lemieux, and it’s all about therapy. Leslie and Jamilah discuss things like figuring out when to take your child to therapy, how to find therapists for all needs, how to talk to your kids about taking them to therapy, and more  If you’re curious about therapy, for yourself or your kids or both, be sure to check out our resources. With some help, anyone can begin the journey to a better self.

About the guests: Jamilah Lemieux is an American writer, cultural critic, and editor. She rose to prominence for her blog, The Beautiful Struggler. She has worked for Ebony, Cassius Magazine, and Interactive One, part of Radio One, Inc. Lemieux currently writes a parenting column and co-hosts for Slate's Care and Feeding Podcast formerly known as Mom & Dad Are Fighting.

Resources:

• Resources for finding therapy
  • Jed Foundation’s How to find  a culturally competent therapist which provides many resources for finding a therapist of color
    • Therapy for Black Girls
  • Psychology Today is a nationwide directory for therapists that can be sorted by location, insurance, specialty, and more.
• What Good is Therapy:  An article about the balance of insight and change as goals for therapy
• What kind of therapy do I need? A general review of the types of therapy, the types of therapists and other questions
• A Glossary of Therapy Approaches and Modalities A very extensive list of the types of therapy modalities.
• Five Tips to Discuss Therapy with Their Child Handout by Andrea Dorn

• My Kid Refuses Therapy. I Think She Needs It   Slates parenting podcast on helping your kid feel better…and feel heard.  July 20,2023
• Is My Child a Monster?  Slate’s parenting podcast on what we can learn from family therapy. July 24, 2023

Leslie-ism:   Take the time to learn about therapy so you can recognize a good fit

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences around holiday issues at Is My Child A Monster? Parenting Commu

This week’s episode is our last with single mother of three Salimah. After three sessions focusing on each one of her children, today Leslie turns the attention to Salimah and the many roles that she plays. Let’s face it, being a parent is hard. It’s important for parents to supply themselves with an anti-burnout toolkit while also giving themselves grace. In addition to learning to reduce and prevent burnout, Leslie and Salimah also talk candidly about how to advocate for yourself, how to ask for help, and how to get the support and validation you need from your community (and not just from your kids).

Time Stamps

• 6:47 “Kiss your brain” an expression of compassion when you are trying to be kind to yourself
• 8:50 Parents should give themselves grace
• 13:51 Braided hair analogy: the separate strands represent each child and you are them, woven together
• 17:18 Correcting other people when they get your name wrong - why that can be so hard
• 26:23 Praise vs feedback
• Tool box for burnout:
  • 10:43 Lowering expectations
  • 14:45 Get in touch with your values and beliefs
  • 21:07 Punctuate your life with pauses and taking breaks
  • 25:14 & 30:45 Get someone to acknowledge how hard you work
  • 26:56 Give yourself credit for effort
  • 28:00 Keep your head down and stay present
  • 33:30 & 36:39 Learn to ask for help
  • 34:31 Random acts of kindness
• 37:39 When asking for help: How do you make sure you’re not over-asking?
  • 38:04 Collect data - get the facts and ask yourself, am I really asking excessively?
  • 38:34 Is there any reciprocity? Identify the relationship and ask is what you’re asking for fair from this type of relationship
  • 39:12 Give them permission to say “no” when you go for the ask and tell them you have other options
• 40:51 Its ok to talk to strangers

Links:  

• Newsletter: Punctuate Your Life
• Newsletter: How to ask for help
• Handout on a practice of Self-Compassion called RAIN by Tara Brach. 
• Video of the Weaving Braid metaphor

Leslie-ism: Ask for help because you deserve to get it

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, , Mia Warren, Camila Salazar and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by AJ Moultrie. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part three of the four part series with Salimah, single mother of three. This week, Leslie and Salimah focus on 5 year old Terrel. Terrel is the youngest child and also the only “man of the house.” He is typically a happy go-lucky child. But there are other behaviors that have Salimah confused and frustrated.  He can sometimes say mean things, he can be quick to anger and he is dealing with issues with his bowel movements. These different parts of the same child motivated Salimah to come to this session to understand what is at the root of these behaviors.

Time Stamps

• 2:35 Reviewed homework of validation 
• 5:16 Learning how to read the shoulder shrugs and what they mean
• 7:40 When our children “push our buttons”  which really describe our vulnerabilities
• 8:15 ABC of looking at a child’s behavior: Antecedent, Behavior, Consequence in order to understand problem behavior
• 13:29 Give your child back the actual problem without personalizing their behavior.  
• 14:01 When children say mean things it's often a reflection of how they are doing
• 26:05 Children can have control of their lives in two ways: eating and bowel movements
• 26:50 Control helps the child feel a sense of safety.
• 30:52 Finding other means to find happiness
• 31:30 Dealing with his vulnerabilities of his sad and angry emotions
• 34:09 Learning to sit with uncomfortable emotions
• 34:35 Give your child the chance to feel capable and independent
• 36:48 Teach him to be able to handle the fears

Resources

• An article on Encopresis in children
• Leslie's handout on The Need to Feel Capable
• Leslie's List of Ideas for Making Kids Feel Capable

Leslie-ism: Give your child a chance to feel capable

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Welcome to part 2 of our 4-part series with Salima, a single mother of three children with very different needs. Last week we discussed her middle child, 7 year old Rene. This week we focus on her oldest, 13 year old Alani. Alani has been getting in trouble at school and uses the “shoulder shrug” to dismiss all of Salimah’s attempts to connect. Tune in to hear Leslie talk Salimah through ways to give your child the time and space to open up to you.

Time Stamps:

• 13:10 and 17:30 Narrate what you are doing so others can learn
• 13:30 Choosing your words more intentionally
• 14:00 Using imagery such as the ring of fire to increase the learning and understanding of a concept or skill.  
• 15:27 Starting with validation before we start problem-solving
• 17:54 When you ask the direct “why” questions, it can be like flashing a flashlight in someone’s eyes. Instead make statements or observations
• 19:30 Shifting  your expectations - short term vs long term parenting
• 20:09 Role play
• 21:33 Getting your reserved or shut down child to engage in conversation.
• 22:51 Say less and give them space
• 23:11 The dominoes metaphor
• 27:20 The 5 communications of the shoulder shrug - it means different things at different times
• 29:31 Parent’s job description - helping a child understand who they are. To know who you are.
• 31:18 The gift of connection - when our children think we know them better than they know themselves
• 34:12 The six levels of validation (show notes link and possible newsletter or sample video)
• 35:57 Validation is in the eye of the beholder

Resources:

• The 6 levels of validation
• Video of the Domino Analogy
• How to guide to validation worksheet Leslie sent Salimah home with

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Leslie-ism: Turn your challenges into opportunities

This week we meet Salimah, single mother of three wonderful children, 13-year-old Alani, 7-year-old Rene, and 5-year-old Terrel. Parenting isn’t one-size-fits-all, and Leslie’s sessions with Salimah are a perfect example of that. The first of this four-part series focuses on middle child Rene. Salimah needs help figuring out why is Rene destroying her room, and how to handle those big emotions.

TIME STAMPS

6:58 The three states of mind- emotion mind, reasonable mind, wise mind

8:05 The ring of fire as a metaphor when your child is emotionally dysregulated

12:50 Explaining the difference between a trigger vs prompting event

• Can you identify the five prompting events that set you off to emotion mind

15:50 Power of pause - the gift of the pause

16:55 Re-considering the use of time-out as a form of punishment

20:40 Create a toolbox of alternatives of how to react when your child has the big emotions; how can you connect and at the same time to give her space 

• Redirect them to do another activity such as go outside
• Problem-solving or engaging in conflict resolution with the other person
• Validate and stop talking. Sometimes talking less is more effective.

23:12 Narrate what you are doing and what you are thinking, as both a model and a strategy in difficult times

25:49 Change your language away from “I’m in combat with my children,” which implies that they are your enemy 

27:44 Having children put a mirror to us, and show us the ways we need to grow.

33:00 Rules of the game - share with your children what you are thinking and doing 

Show Note Links:

• A visual explanation of the three states of mind
• Video on three states of mind
• Leslie’s blog posting explaining the three states of mind
• Leslie’s newsletter on becoming aware of violent language: Why words matter?
• Two articles on why time-outs aren’t effective: https://kidcrew.com/why-time-outs-are-not-effective

https://childmind.org/article/are-time-outs-harmful-kids/

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Leslie-ism:  Keep in mind: your words have power and you can choose what to say.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Brains can be confusing - how they work, what they do, how yours is different from other people's. And explaining brains to kids can be a challenge. Today’s special guest is Dr. Liz Angoff, an Educational Psychologist who specializes in explaining brains to kids and their families. She primarily works with families undergoing assessment and diagnosis, but her tools and language are helpful for anyone who has a brain. Leslie has been recommending her book and website to clients for years. 

About our guest:  Liz Angoff, Ph.D., is a Licensed Educational Psychologist with a Diplomate in School Neuropsychology, providing assessment and consultation services to children and their families in the Bay Area, CA. Dr. Liz’s mission is to empower children and families by helping them understand their amazing, unique brains. She is the author of the Brain Building Books, tools for engaging children in understanding their learning and developmental differences as part of the assessment process. More information about Dr. Liz and her work is available atwww.ExplainingBrains.com.

Timestamps:

7:50 Understanding the difference between the medical model diagnosis and neurodivergent affirming language approach

10:40 Different is not broken, different is a mismatch (between child and environment)

17:41 Diagnosis can be powerful tool, gives you the language that can help meet our child’s needs

20:10 Validating a child’s struggle is powerful

20:53 How do you tell your child about their assessment

28:12 How do I help my child to not have such a hard time

32:27 Three things that Liz wants parents to take away from this conversation

Resources:

• Visit her website, full of wonderful resources
• Here is the script for explaining a diagnosis Dr. Liz mentioned in this episode
• You can find her book, The Brain Building Book, here

Leslie-ism: Dr. Liz said "Talk to your child about their brain, do it early, do it often.” 

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is the final session with Emilee and David. Emilee felt a big difference when she stepped back from her son’s big reactions and no longer took his words and actions personally; that’s a huge achievement. David said he felt less pressure on himself as a parent—also a huge achievement. In this session, Leslie also explained creative ways to teach children about emotions, like using children’s books and other media. Leslie also addresses Jack’s neuropsychological testing and the results. Leslie supports Emilee and David as they digest this helpful information while remembering to see Jack as a whole person.

Time Stamps

• 10:55 Throwing up analogy: a way to not take your children’s words personally
• 12:05 Neuropsychological testing and school accommodations
• 17:35 How to teach your child about emotions- books, model it, watch other people, tell stories 
• 24:01 Concept: being able to hold two opposing thoughts at the same time
• 24:41 Bibliotherapy: using books to help teach children
• 26:50 Receiving a diagnosis, and how to make it helpful and useful
• 30:45 Movement breaks
• 37:27 Childrens are like puppies: they all have big paws that they grow into, just like children and their big emotions

Resources:  

• Video of throwing up analogy
• Handout of feeling words for kids
• Dr. Liz Angoff’s Website and resources: How to explain testing to kids
• Leslie’s sample list of books she likes to read with children

Leslie-ism:  Let’s honor the individual learning styles of child and adults alike

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part 1 of the 3 part series with Emilee and David. In the first session, we learned about Jack, their six-year-old son who is having trouble expressing his emotions. He often defaults to kicking and saying “I don’t know.” In this episode, Leslie looks closer at their differing parenting styles: David wants to get to the bottom of it, and Emilee tends to distract and redirect. Is it important to be on the exact same page as your partner when it comes to parenting styles? And what happens when what you dislike about your partner’s approach is exactly what’s missing  from your own.

Time Stamps

• 10:38 Anticipatory Anxiety: kids and adults can get more upset by the anticipation of the event than the event itself. 
• 15:57 It’s not misperception, but rather simply having a different perception
• 18:00 Instinct to “get to the bottom of it” might be causing more stress
• 18:30 Can we normalize emotions rather than inflating them
• 19:18 When you have different parenting styles: determine what’s working and what’s not working.  
• 19:45 How to get the best of both worlds
• 22:08 Emily distracts and redirects (indirect) David wants to get to the bottom of things (direct)
• 26:05 Announce and name what you are doing, the change you’re imposing
• 29:35 Their homework:  Don’t work so hard
• 34:40 Normalize children who are arguing vs teaching children conflict resolution skills
• 36:50 The lost ART of healthy neglect 
• 41:40 Use the line “can you give yourself permission to make a mistake”
• 43:20 "Plant the seed" and get out of there

RESOURCES:  

• Why ‘how was school?’ isn’t a good question to ask kids. Here's a CNBC article with some ideas of what to say instead
• Distress Tolerance STOP technique
• NYTimes article on unsupervised Play
  • The Anti-Helicopter Parents Plea: Let Kids Play!
  • Risky Play Encourages Resilience
• Leslie’s book recommendation: The Last Child in the Woods by Richard Louv

Leslie-ism: Do Less

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part 1 of the 3 part series with Emilee and David.  Emilee and David have a six year old son who repeatedly says “I don’t know” when they try to help their son understand his big emotions. Many parents like Emilee and David want to teach their children how to regulate their emotions and how to understand their emotions.  But what happens when what you are doing is not working and actually producing the very opposite results than what you were hoping for.  

Time stamps:

• 13:10 How children physically express their emotions, and what to do
• 13:55  Name and notice those body sensations and physical actions
• 16:07 Alexithymia: when a child doesn't have the skills to name what they are experiencing
• 18:30 Masking: a survival tactic for social situations
• 22:20 Change from asking questions like "how do you feel?" to making statements about the situation
• 26:45 & 34:07 Social Signaling: what is your child communicating to others
• 28:41 Go below the surface: anger with mean words and an intense physical response is above the surface and disappointment is below the surface
• 30:50 Take the pressure off of the child to express their emotions
• 32:27 Beware of praise and instead, give feedback 
• 35:40 Create a bridge from the behavior to describing the emotion: children may need help finding the words
• 40:50 What to do if your child is masking
• 44:43 Difference between when a child WON’T express emotion versus when they CAN’T

Resources: 

• Alexithymia
  • Autism Parenting Magazine's Guide to Alexithymia
  • Children's Alexithymia Measure handout
  • The Alexithymia Wheel and more resources
• Masking
  • Masking in Children Explained
  • NHS's Guide on "Masking" Behavior in Children
• Praise vs feedback
  • The Psychology of Feedback vs Praise
  • How to Give Feedback to Your Child

Leslie-ism: The slower you go, the faster you get there.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

One of the more common questions parents ask is when do I give in and when do I stand firm.  Todays special guest speaker is an expert on this question. Amy Kalasunas is a board certified Dialectic Behavior Therapist who, among other things, provides interventions for parents of struggling and complex young adults using DBT and SPACE, which stands for Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions.  We talk all about how parents can make an effective decision as to when to accommodate to their child’s big emotions and intense behaviors and when it's not effective.

Time Stamps

15:05  Six ways that parents accommodate

1. To avoid the big emotions and the intense behaviors
2. When life goes on. The parent has to deal with their lives as they are and they can’t deal with the consequences of setting a limit
3. Parents have their own history - their own childhood experiences which impact their current parenting 
4. When parents fear or are simply affected by the social judgments
5. When not accommodating may lead to self-harming behaviors or Suicidal Ideation

19:35 How to decide whether or not to accommodate

1. Do I have the bandwidth?
2. Does my child know that I am going to do this
3. Can my child do what I am asking?

22:25  Explanation of Three States of Mind - wise mind, emotion mind, reasonable mind

30:05 SPACE redefines what it means to support your child

1. Validate
2. Express confidence that they will be ok
3. Stop talking - Put a period after #2 (kids are master debaters)
4. Resist the urge to solve the problem
5. Be a Broken record

34:00  Aim lower:  Slice the salami thinner and set smaller realistic expectations

Leslie-ism:  Check in with yourself about your own bandwidth when dealing with your child.

Resources:  

Amy Kalasunas Website 

DIalectic Behavior Therapy Resources DBTSelfHelp.com

Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions - SPACE Website

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Season two of Is My Child a Monster? A parenting therapy podcast with host, Leslie Cohen-Rubury launches next week. The first full episode will drop on January 23, 2024! Listen to the trailer for a taste of whats to come.

For more information about the Leslie Cohen-Rubury visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: The Is My Child A Monster? team is Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and me. Special thanks to Eric Rubury and Mia Warren. Theme music is by
L-Ray Music.  Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This mini episode between season one and season two focuses on understanding your child’s intense reactions. Although there are many causes for a child’s strong reactivity, Leslie and returning guest Dale Rubury discuss expectations as one of those many causes behind those big reactions. Dale had a long list of unmet expectations from her childhood, so she joins her mom on today’s episode to unpack one example for parents and caregivers to learn from.

About the Guest:

Dale Rubury is Leslie’s daughter, a producer of this podcast, and today’s guest. After graduating from college with a degree in Zoology, Dale moved to warmer climates to pursue a career with animals. She worked at the largest primate sanctuary in North America for 7 years before moving on to a different career path. For the past few years she has been in the world of construction where she was building yurts and working for Habitat for Humanity. Dale is currently pursuing a degree as a Physical Therapy Assistant. Dale is proud to say that she has a healthy relationship with her anxiety. 

Time Stamps:

1:48 Parents often say “what’s the big deal?” when their child is having such a big reaction

3:40 Kids can have a “script” in their head about how they think things should go.

3:50 Ironically, parents also have “shoulds” in their head about how they think things should go

6:00 Assume that the child feels embarrassment and shame about their reaction

7:11 Add compassion to the child’s reaction 

7:55 “Staying One Step Ahead of you Child” - we do this by understanding what is happening below the surface of the child’s reaction

8:39 Look for the prompting event such as the child’s expectation which set off this whole chain reaction

8:56 Parents may personalize the child’s behavior which will add to the problems

9:20 Ask yourself what’s my problem, what’s my child’s problem

12:08 How to teach “expect the unexpected” to your child

13:10 Ask your child before they do something “what are your expectations of….”

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences around holiday issues at Is My Child A Monster? Parenting Community on Facebook.  

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Today’s bonus episode is with special guests — and Leslie’s former clients — comedian Micheal Ian Black and interior designer Martha Hagen-Black. They join me to talk through holiday stress, and how to manage expectations around family and holiday plans. 

About the guests:

Micheal Ian Black is a comedian, actor, author and podcast host. You can find his podcast, Obscure, here.

Martha Hagen-Black is an interior designer, murder mystery lover, and architecture nerd. You can find more about her work on her Instagram @studiohagenhus.


Show Note Links:

• Cope Ahead Video: A Dialectic Behavior Therapy Skill

Leslie-ism:  May you find moments of joy in your holiday season.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences around holiday issues at Is My Child A Monster? Parenting Community on Facebook.  

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Is My Child A Monster? is on break, but we’re looking for guests for season two! So this between season bonus episode is a conversation between Leslie and her producer, Alletta Cooper about what happens behind the scenes making the podcast. They discuss what it’s like to be a guest on the podcast as well as what types of parenting questions and concerns they’re hoping parents and caregivers bring to them next season.  Learn about why and when you might choose to volunteer and get free therapy and how to apply to come on the show. 

Alletta Cooper is a freelance producer, researcher, and storytelling consultant with more than a decade of experience in podcasting. She's worked with clients including StoryCorps, Google, The Mellon Foundation, and On Being Studios. Alletta is a recovering "Monster Child" who is delighted to work with the Is My Child A Monster? team to bring practical, skills-based therapy to curious parents and caregivers. She also once won an episode of Wheel of Fortune. Find out more about her work at allettacooper.com.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.