TOP SELF | Tips on Jealousy and Insecurity in Relationships – Details, episodes & analysis

If you've ever thought "I'm too much," felt shame around your jealousy, or struggled with feeling "needy" in relationships, this episode will be a relief and a revelation. Shanenn sits down with Trevor Hansen, coach and founder of The Art of Healing, to dismantle the shame loop of anxious attachment and show how it can be transformed into self-trust and secure connection.

Trevor shares his raw personal story—from toxic relationships and a broken jaw to leaving a high-powered career at Tesla—and the powerful tools he discovered to move from fear to security. This is a must-listen for anyone stuck in the cycle of over-functioning, people pleasing, or "proving" their worth in love.

IN THIS EPISODE, YOU'LL LEARN:

• Why awareness alone won't heal your insecure attachment
• How childhood experiences can create a "love gap" that fuels jealousy
• What emotional reprogramming looks like in practice
• Why inner child work isn't woo-woo—it's essential
• A powerful shift from controlling to compassionately curious in relationships

GOLDEN NUGGETS:

• You’re not too much. It’s the behavior that needs support, not your worth.
• Anxious attachment is just a part of you—not all of you.
• You can turn your jealousy into a catalyst for deeper connection.
• Emotional healing > intellectual awareness.
• When you stop outsourcing your worth, you stop fearing abandonment.

GUEST BIO: Trevor Hansen is a relationship coach and the founder of The Art of Healing. After navigating his own journey through anxious attachment and emotional wounding, he now helps individuals break the cycle of fear-based relationships and build secure emotional foundations. His Secure Self Club is transforming lives by helping clients go from insecure to grounded in just months.

QUOTE OF THE EPISODE: "You're no longer a problem to be solved, but a person to be loved."

PERFECT FOR LISTENERS WHO...

• Feel shame around their jealousy or emotional needs
• Struggle with anxious or insecure attachment styles
• Want to stop overthinking and start feeling secure in love
• Are tired of outsourcing their peace and self-worth
• Crave emotional safety, clarity, and confidence in their relationships

Loved this episode? Be sure to leave a review and share how you're starting to show up for your inner child.

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Disclaimer
The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.  No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment,  Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

🦋   Join the experience - enroll in 30 Days to Different today!

In this episode of Top Self, Shanenn flips the script on what it means to be “the jealous one” in a relationship—and trust us, you’ll never see your spirals the same again.

Ever swear you’re not going to snoop, spiral, or snap... and then do it anyway? That doesn’t mean you’re some controlling jerk. It means you’ve got a genius-level nervous system doing exactly what it was wired to do: keep you safe.

This solo episode unpacks the psychology behind jealousy, why it’s not sabotage but stabilization, and how to trade unhealthy patterns for new, empowering ones—without shaming the old you who just wanted to feel safe.

Oh, and there’s a German shepherd, a deer, some stargazing, and one mood-ruining poop. You’ve been warned.

💎 Golden Episode Nuggets:

• Jealousy isn’t sabotage—it’s a stabilizer your nervous system picked to survive pain
• You don’t need to feel ashamed of your coping strategies—they were genius solutions for impossible circumstances
• You can teach your body new patterns—because you’ve done it before
• The most powerful shift isn’t “How do I stop this?” but “What was my system trying to protect me from?”
• New stabilizers aren’t about perfection—they’re about choosing different

🗝️ Key Moments:

• 1:10 – Why repeating patterns doesn’t mean you’re failing—it means your body is succeeding at survival
• 3:40 – What stabilizers are and how they show up as jealousy, control, or overeating
• 6:20 – Why we don’t pick yoga or the gym as coping tools (hint: your nervous system doesn’t give a damn about kale)
• 13:20 – How the jealousy loop works and why it feels so hard to break
• 17:30 – You’re not controlling—you’re a genius at creating predictability
• 25:00 – The dog poop that ruined a magical moment (and why it matters)
• 27:00 – What it looks like to pick new, healthy stabilizers and stop suffering silently
• 28:50 – Introducing: 30 Days to Different, the transformative new experience to rewire your relationship patterns from the inside out

🔥 Want to Go Deeper?

30 Days to Different is officially open for enrollment!
If you’re ready to ditch the spiral and actually rewire the patterns of jealousy, this is your moment.
✔ Daily mindset rewires
✔ 6 live Zoom sessions
✔ Nervous system & neuroscience-based tools
 

🔗 Join now: TopSelf.com
or scroll down to the show notes to click the link!

🎧 Perfect for Listeners Who:

• Feel ashamed or guilty about their jealousy or control habits
• Want to understand

Join 30 Days to Different - Starting soon!

Check us out on YouTube and make sure to subscribe!

Schedule your FREE Discovery Call to see how I can help.


Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy



Disclaimer
The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.  No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment,  Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

Book your FREE Discovery Call

Ever started pulling away just when things got good? If calm, consistent love feels boring—or even threatening—you’re not broken. You’re human.

In this episode, Shanenn explores why “safe” love can trigger your nervous system, especially if you grew up in chaos or experienced emotionally unpredictable relationships. You’ll learn:

• Why peace can feel like a red flag to a dysregulated nervous system
• The hidden link between chaos and connection
• Subtle ways we sabotage healthy love without realizing it
• A powerful affirmation to ground yourself when you’re spiraling
• How to begin rewiring your system to trust calm instead of rejecting it

If you’re ready to stop pushing away the love you crave, this episode is for you.

💎 Golden Nugget: “Peace isn’t the problem. My pattern is.”

Timestamps:

• 1:15 – Why calm triggers fear in a chaos-wired nervous system
• 3:00 – How your past relationships shaped your patterns
• 6:30 – A real-life story (with a German Shepherd!) that explains stored trauma
• 10:40 – Signs of self-sabotage when things feel “too good”
• 12:50 – Tools to rewire your nervous system for trust
• 15:40 – The mantra that can change everything

Resources & Links:

📄 Free Download: 5 Signs You’re Subconsciously Sabotaging

📞 Book a Free Discovery Call with Shanenn

🔗 Follow Shanenn on Instagram: @topselfco

Loved this episode? Leave a 5-star review—it helps others find healing too. 💚

Join 30 Days to Different - Starting soon!

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Disclaimer
The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.  No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment,  Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

Have you ever been more curious than you should be about your partner’s past lovers? Where one question about their past turned into five, which turned into ten, then felt that very uncomfortable pang of jealousy? This type of jealousy is called retroactive jealousy. One of the more insidious types of jealousy because it is referring to the past, which no one can undo.

Retroactive jealousy can not only ruin an otherwise healthy relationship, it can also be detrimental to your mental health going forward. So on today’s episode, we have invited retroactive jealousy expert Zachary Stockill to fill us in on everything we need to know about this type of jealousy.

Zachary Stockill is the author of Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy, The Overcoming Jealousy Workbook and The Breakup Recovery Workbook. He is also a podcaster and educator creating programs around raising awareness and educating people about retroactive jealousy, and has founded www.retroactivejealousy.com. Needless to say, he is the ultimate expert in this field and he wants to share his knowledge with all of you.

In this episode you will learn about what retroactive jealousy is, how to identify if you are suffering from retroactive jealousy, actionable tips on how to remedy retroactive jealousy, and practical tools to help create a healthy dynamic in your relationship when feeling retroactive jealousy, and much more!

This episode is packed with juicy knowledge and advice, so you don’t want to miss this one!

Topics discussed in this episode:

• What is retroactive jealousy?
• How Zachary discovered retroactive jealousy
• Why retroactive jealousy isn’t reserved for straight white men
• The shame around retroactive jealousy
• How retroactive jealousy can come off as normal
• The myth around jealousy
• When is walking away the right choice?
• Honoring your higher self vs. your ego
• Advice for those who are aroused by a partner’s sexual past
• The Madonna-Whore Complex in Freudian psychology
• What to expect from Zachary’s program Get Over Your Partner's Past Fast
• Actionable tips for anyone suffering from retroactive jealousy
• Tools on how to trust your partner’s desire for you
• How to learn about your partner’s past in a safe and healthy way
• Last piece of advice for retroactive jealousy sufferers

Connect with Zachary Stockill by visiting his website https://www.retroactivejealousy.com/

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Schedule your FREE Discovery Call to see how I can help.


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Disclaimer
The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.  No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment,  Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

Did you know you're being rude when you shrug off a compliment?  After blowing off a compliment my husband gave me, he asked "Why can't you just absorb a compliment"?  

That made me wonder... why can't I?  What's behind that?  

What I learned was much more than I expected and realized we're actually being rude when we don't respond appropriately to a compliment.

I also have a challenge for you and give you some science behind why it's hard to give compliments and why you should practice absorbing and believing the compliment you're being given.

Join 30 Days to Different - Starting soon!

Check us out on YouTube and make sure to subscribe!

Schedule your FREE Discovery Call to see how I can help.


Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy



Disclaimer
The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.  No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment,  Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

Recently, my husband and I traveled to Costa Rica for a conference.  We stayed in a beautiful hotel overlooking the beach and had a ton of fun experiences BUT day 4 would send me into a tailspin I haven't been in for a very, very long time.

In today's episode, I'm sharing lessons learned and why my mini meltdown is important to you.

Join 30 Days to Different - Starting soon!

Check us out on YouTube and make sure to subscribe!

Schedule your FREE Discovery Call to see how I can help.


Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy



Disclaimer
The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.  No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment,  Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

You learn so much in childhood.  How to walk, how to talk, how to do multiplication and division.

Unfortuantely, for some though, you also learn to be fearful, to not trust.  We learn not to get too happy because any minute, the other shoe will fall.

Today's guest, Reneau Peurifoy, author of 4 different books on anxiety, anger, and emotions, shares his knowledge from over 20 years as an MFT working with anxiety and other related disorders, shares why although not healthy, dysfunction can feel really comfortable to you.

In this episode, we discussed:

• Why you unconsciously seek unhealthy partners
• How jealous people have a lot of should/must rules that keeps reality foggy
• 4 questions to ask yourself to start to tame your jealous
• What the treatment of EMDR is all about and how it works to begin desensitizing childhood trauma
• Tips for how to move to a place of feeling comfortable without all the drama

Connect with Reneau at whyemotions

Join 30 Days to Different - Starting soon!

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Disclaimer
The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.  No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment,  Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

Trauma leaves a chemical mark on a persons genes that is passed down to the next generation according to today's guest Dr. Galit Atlas.  It's about family secrets and the secrets we keep from ourselves that also keep us from living to our full potential. 

Dr. Atlas is a psychoanalyst exploring the unconscious of her patients and shares how the emotional inheritance and the legacy of trauma is passed down from generation to generation in her book titled Emotional Inheritance:  A Therapist, Her Patients, and the Legacy of Trauma.

In this episode, we discuss how therapy is like detective work and it comes down to uncovering the gap between what people want to have and what they can toleration having.

She shares that the trauma healing process starts with the decision to search and to be curious.

            •          What do I not know about myself?

            •          What can I not emotionally handle?

            •          Why does the gap between what I want and what I can tolerate exist?

It is also important to treat defenses with respect and if you are not ready to do the healing work that is ok.  It is also acceptable to feel upset that we have to do the work of the past traumatized (our parents or our grandparents) because they were perhaps not strong enough.  

Dr. Atlas says if we are only aware of what we want to have (a relationship, a career, money etc.) but we're not fully aware of what it is that doesn't allow us to have what we want... that is more powerful than what we want".

The book, Emotional Inheritance is a must read but give yourself some recovery time and know it can be triggering.

Join 30 Days to Different - Starting soon!

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Disclaimer
The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.  No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment,  Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

In today's quick dump episode, I share 5 statements I decided to stop making to my partner that changed the dynamic of our relationship.

Most of the time, you don't even realize how the words you choose can come across.  Even when you feel like you're being really clear or you mean what you're saying in the moment, these 5 statements are usually a signal to disaster.

Join 30 Days to Different - Starting soon!

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Disclaimer
The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.  No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment,  Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

Did you know that toxic stress decreases the size and impairs the function of different regions of the brain that are actually responsible for our learning, our executive functioning, our memory ?

Candace Alley, a five time internationally certified coach and the founder and CEO of Trauma Resource Network shares that: 

• trauma is not a particular event, but rather how the brain processes that event 
• every persons healing journey is as individual and unique as your fingerprints
• trauma doesn't mean that you're broken or that you've done anything wrong. rather, it's a very normal response to an abnormal situation
• those who score a 4 or higher on the ACES test stand a far greater chance of struggling with mental health issues and or some form of addiction in their lifetime
• consistent practice and dedication is key to healing
   

Available resources:
988 - for those dealing with mental health crisis (In the United States)
211 - provides local resources
Take the ACEs Test
Connect with Candace via her website, on Facebook, or Instagram

Join 30 Days to Different - Starting soon!

Check us out on YouTube and make sure to subscribe!

Schedule your FREE Discovery Call to see how I can help.


Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy



Disclaimer
The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.  No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment,  Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.