Good Girls Talk About Sex – Details, episodes & analysis

Jessica's world was turned upside down when her husband died suddenly and she uncovered evidence of his endless lies and a second life that she'd known nothing about.

Had she been blind to the red flags her husband was waving? Or did she know more than she allowed herself to admit?

In this special (mid-hiatus!) episode, Leah talks with Jessica Waite whose book "The Widow's Guide To Dead Bastards" is available today from Atria. 

They focus on a pivotal chapter from the book, exploring the questions that still linger for Jessica: What did she know? What was she intentionally blind to? And what could she have noticed if she had known what to look for?

Some people swear by Dear Abby, others swear at Dear Abby. Today we look at some of Dear Abby's terrible advice.

PLUS: Stay until the end to hear an important announcement about the podcast going on hiatus so Leah can take a well-deserved rest.

Become a client:
www.leahcarey.com/coaching

Support Leah's work:
www.patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex

Full episode show notes:
https://www.goodgirlstalk.com/posts/podcast/go-to-bed-angry 

In this coaching episode, Maria asks the age old question: why is it so hard to ask for what I want?! She's convinced that her problem is in poor communication skills, but it doesn't take long to discover that the issue lies in a complete different area.

Leah works with Maria to:

• understand how gender dynamics are creating friction in the "what do you want?" conversation,
• rethink how her definition of "sex" makes asking so difficult,
• practice the way she'd like to initiate a conversation about sex with potential partners.

Maria is a 27-year-old cisgender woman. She describes herself as white, bisexual and single. She describes her body as athletic.

Leah offers valuable insights and tools to help Maria and all listeners to reconsider talking about their desires.

BEYOND PERMISSION workshop:
www.beyondpermission.com

Apply for a free coaching session:
www.goodgirlstalk.com/session 

Become a client:
www.leahcarey.com/coaching

Support the show:
www.patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex

Full show notes: 
www.goodgirlstalk.com/posts/podcast/slow-down-maria

Jocelyn is a full-service sex worker who’s seen many aspects of the industry, and who currently specializes in sexual healing and sexual surrogacy.

Joslyn is a 37 year old, cisgender female who describes herself as white, pansexual, polyamorous, single and dating, and Canadian.  She grew up in a Protestant Christian home.  She describes her body as athletic with curves.

 How Healing Happens: Sex work can be a bridge to all levels of healing, from getting basic touch needs met to helping the body re-wire for safety after trauma to helping people with physical difficulties achieve sexual experiences at all.

Bookmark moments:

• 5:04 - Jocelyn shares her first memory of sexual pleasure—kissing during after-school care with a boy she liked.
• 7:30 - There was no Sex Ed or discussion at home. She was raised by a single mom and she didn’t tell her when she got her period.
• 10:40 - Jocelyn opens up about experiencing emotional, physical, and sexual abuse at the hands of her father. When she confronts him, he gets ugly.
• 20:42 - Jocelyn talks about her first consensual sexual experience with her long-term boyfriend at age 17.
• 22:37 - She shares an early pregnancy and abortion experience with the same boyfriend.
• 23:55 - She then has her first affair, with a beautiful man who has a tiny penis. Discussion follows about tiny penis taboo, and what men can do to pleasure a woman via other means.
• 31:13 - Friends keep asking Jocelyn to participate in threesomes.
• 34:05 - Sex work comes into her life during a time of financial struggle when she’s a single mom at age 29.
• 36:55 - Jocelyn shares her internal conflict about the stigma of sex work even while the money is great. She starts to withdraw from her friends.
• 39:37 - A friend introduces Jocelyn to “The Secret Diary of a Call Girl” in the context of her own sex worker fantasies, and it changes how Jocelyn relates to her profession. She begins to open up to the healing potential of her work.
• 48:48 - Jocelyn talks about what a surrogate can do in the context of healing sexual trauma.
• 50:10 - She gets into detail about being a sexual surrogate and her work with folks with disabilities, and tells us about one specific client.
• 1:02:42 - Jocelyn talks about her hard red lines, and how she communicates boundaries to clients.

The audio extras for this episode are:

• Jocelyn’s first experience of penetration was not consensual and involves some physical trauma that may be too graphic for some listeners. Therefore I’ve placed it in this separate space so you can opt in to listening to it if you choose.  Jocelyn shares how she initially gave consent, how it rapidly turned non-consensual, the processing she has done in the intervening years, and the feelings she now has about the man she was with that night. This is available to everyone, regardless of whether you are a patron or not. 
• Jocelyn and I talk about whether the reported statistics for childhood abuse of boys are far too low
• How Jocelyn separates her personal sexuality from her “work” sexuality; also, how she talks with her son about sex
• The extended Lowdown Q&A

REMEMBER: ALL audio extras are now FREE for everyone!!!!!  They can be accessed at www.patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex.  If you’d like to support the work I do, you can make a monthly contribution at that site.

 PJ PARTIES!! Information and registration at www.leahcarey.com/PJparty

 FACEBOOK GROUP: www.facebook.com/groups/goodgirlstalk

CALL-IN: Want to leave a message for Leah? Call 720-GOOD-SEX (720-466-3739)

PATREON: Become a community supporter at www.patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex

RATE THIS POD: Leave a rating and review at www.ratethispodcast.com/goodgirls

BE A GUEST: Want to be on the show? Visit www.leahcarey.com/guest

COACHING: Want to talk with Leah directly? Visit www.leahcarey.com/coaching

Host – Leah Carey (website, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, email)

Audio Editor – Gretchen Kilby

Music – Nazar Rybak

Leah talks about a consent violation she experienced during medical care last year, and also shares her insights into her own fear around exercising.

• 1:52 - Leah begins by sharing about her quarantine weight gain, which led her to confront a lifetime’s worth of avoidance issues around exercise — and an insight into how that mirrors the effects a negative body image had on safety in her sex
• 3:52 - Leah shares a traumatic memory of assault at age 12 at the hands of her father.

• 6:55 - Built-in responses to trauma complicate our culture’s idea that pushing through weight loss difficulties is just about
• 11:05 - Early socialization and sexualization for those who grew up in girl bodies adds further trauma and mixed messaging.

• 13:35 - Leah talks about an experience of violation of consent during a visit to a new Boldly, she addresses it after the visit.

• Evelin Dacker’s Good Girls Talk About Sex episode –
• Stand up to medical consent violations -

www.leahcarey.com/medicalconsent

Book a PJ Party!!! All the info and registrations are at www.leahcarey.com/pjparty

FACEBOOK GROUP: www.facebook.com/groups/goodgirlstalk

HAVE A QUESTION?: Leave a voicemail for Leah at 720-GOOD-SEX (720-466-3739)

PATREON: Become a community supporter at www.patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex

RATE THIS POD: Leave a rating and review at www.ratethispodcast.com/goodgirls

BE A GUEST: Want to be on the show? Visit www.leahcarey.com/guest COACHING: Want to talk with Leah directly? Visit www.leahcarey.com/coaching Host – Leah Carey (website, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, email)

Music – Nazar Rybak

Lynn shares her trauma history, and then opens up on a deep and detailed level about hiring a sex worker to save her marriage.  Because no one in her family talked about sex or bodies, for much of her early life, she believed that her vagina was a fatal birth defect.

Lynn is a 49-year-old, cisgender female. She describes herself as white, NOT straight, mostly monogamous, married, and peri-menopausal. She describes her body as "very average."

How Healing Happens: Sex workers can play a critical role in sexual healing. It’s a safe space with clear boundaries, and without the emotional charge (or baggage) often built up with a partner. A sex worker can help you overcome resistance to pleasure, focus on sensation, and figure out what *does* feel good to your body. And some do work with couples.

Bookmark moments:

• 4:25 - Lynn’s first memory of sexual pleasure occurs at age 9, with the accidental placement of a blanket between her legs on a hot summer night. Her surprise discovery leads to a serious misconception but she knows not to ask questions.
• 11:11 - She experiments with touching and kissing with her best friend, trying to figure things out with the benefit of sex ed.
• 17:56 - As her home life falls apart in her teens, Lynn falls prey to attention of older men.
• 24:14 - She leaves home at 16 and gets married, in order to escape things at home. Things are good at first, but when she gets pregnant, he gets violent.
• 34:48 - Lynn meets her second husband. He is wonderful and so is the sex, but life quickly throws a few wrenches into the works.
• 38:41 - The lack of sex in the marriage destroys their emotional bond.
• 41:49 - Lynn tells her husband he has permission to see a sex worker to get his needs met. He resists…at first.
• 45:42 - After some deep introspection, she suggests an alternate set of plans to her husband to celebrate their upcoming anniversary—involving Lynn visiting the sex worker.
• 53:30 - Lynn discovers her body is not, in fact, broken.
• 54:00 - They go to the sex worker together for their anniversary. Much unfolds from this and subsequent sessions with the sex worker.
• 1:03:30 - Lynn shares about the medical help and therapy she sought before turning to a sex worker, and her fears of social disapproval.

The Patreon extras for this episode are:

• Lynn and I took a deeper dive into the nature of the relationships she was having with older men – was it predatory? Was it healthy?  Is it possible that it could be some combination of both? 
• Lynn and I talk about how, having had a history of violent homes, she managed to create a home without violence for her son. We also talk about how she approached the topic of sex with her son, and what her relationship with her body is – and how that has changed since menopause.
• The extended Lowdown Q&A

ALL audio extras are now FREE for everyone!!!!!  They can be accessed at www.patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex.  If you’d like to support the work I do, you can make a monthly contribution at that site.

 PJ PARTIES!! Information and registration at www.leahcarey.com/PJparty

 FACEBOOK GROUP: www.facebook.com/groups/goodgirlstalk

CALL-IN: Want to leave a message for Leah? Call 720-GOOD-SEX (720-466-3739)

PATREON: Become a community supporter at www.patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex

RATE THIS POD: Leave a rating and review at www.ratethispodcast.com/goodgirls

BE A GUEST: Want to be on the show? Visit www.leahcarey.com/guest

COACHING: Want to talk with Leah directly? Visit www.leahcarey.com/coaching

Host – Leah Carey (website, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, email)

Audio Editor – Gretchen Kilby

Music – Nazar Rybak

Receiving oral sex isn’t just about a tongue on a clit – it’s about all the emotional and mental conversation happening at the same time.

Bookmark moments:

• 6:13 - The women answer “Do you enjoy receiving oral sex?”
• 10:21 - Leah answers. She opens up about the relationship dynamics in which her first experience of receiving oral took place, and how that impacted subsequent relationships.
• 14:10 - Leah suggests a new technique to her second partner, which works, but he doesn’t stick to it.
• 16:10 - She shares how she’s working on staying present with the physical sensation when her current partner goes down, and tracing the history of her hindered state of responsiveness to oral sex back to that first partner.
• 20:24 - Am I Normal? A powerful, independent woman is confused by her desire to be dominated in the bedroom.
• 23:23 - Leah talks through common fantasies and the reasons why domination can feel so refreshing.
• 25:20 - Masochism is discussed.
• 27:00 - Podcast recommendation

Extra Bits

PSA: Hey. Not everybody likes pizza, either.

Podcast recommendation:

• Biracial Unicorns with Dani and Dameca
• “Let’s Talk About Sex-ualization” episode - https://biracialunicorns.pinecast.co/episode/31f5a12674034660/let-s-talk-about-sex-ualization
• Facebook – https://www.facebook.com/biracialunicorns/
• Instagram – https://www.instagram.com/biracialunicorns/
• Twitter - https://twitter.com/Biracialmagic

 Resources mentioned:

• FREE DOWNLOAD - How to propose a new sexual adventure to your lover, leahcarey.com/newadventure.

Book a PJ Party!!!  All the info and registrations are at www.leahcarey.com/pjparty

FACEBOOK GROUP: www.facebook.com/groups/goodgirlstalk

AM I NORMAL?: Leave a message for Leah at 720-GOOD-SEX (720-466-3739)

PATREON: Become a community supporter at www.patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex

RATE THIS POD: Leave a rating and review at www.ratethispodcast.com/goodgirls

BE A GUEST: Want to be on the show? Visit www.leahcarey.com/guest

COACHING: Want to talk with Leah directly? Visit www.leahcarey.com/coaching

Host – Leah Carey (website, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, email)

Music – Nazar Rybak

Jade opens up about the tension and difficulties in her past marriage, and the sexual dynamics of subtle pressure and coercion she experienced in the marriage and in her earlier dating. Maturity and emotional safety are at the core of her current partnership and it revolutionizes her sex life. She’s now in love with her girl parts!

Jade is a 51-year-old, cis-gender female who describes herself as bisexual, monogamous, in a relationship, and the mother of 2 children who are still at home.  She has had 2 miscarriages and still gets her period.  She describes her body as slender.

Countering Culture: Jade shares that although she knew her husband (at the time) never would have actually forced her into sex, she felt the pressure to satisfy his needs because she—along with most of the rest of us—grew up immersed in a culture that frames it as a “wifely duty” and bases a woman’s value (and therefore social safety) on being a “good” wife.

Bookmark moments:

• 2:36 - Jade’s first memory of sexual pleasure is at age 10, having a sexual fantasy in a swim club sauna.
• 5:36 - Her first memory of masturbating is at age 13 while reading Clan of the Cave Bear (ironically given to her by her father), and then mounting her giant teddy bear.
• 10:21 - She meets her first boyfriend in high school; he’s a few years older. She assumes that love leads to marriage leads to sex, but she knows from her Catholic upbringing she’s not supposed to have sex out of wedlock. She and a friend find a bible and search through until they find what they interpret as permission.
• 15:09 – She experiences her first intense, magical state of turn-on with her second boyfriend.
• 17:07 - Jade shares how the relationship with her first college boyfriend leads her into subtle but uncomfortable sexual dynamics.
• 22:33 - Her first marriage hits tension early on. The birth of their first child adds both joy and more difficulty; her husband feels sexually frustrated, and she feels pressured.
• 27:52 - After ongoing and increased tension after their second child, she makes the decision to separate. They work on their issues and re-unite, but the relationship is still “messy.”
• 36:11 - Six months after leaving the marriage, much to her surprise, Jade starts having sexual feelings again. She re-enters the dating world and discovers some unmet emotional needs with her first post-divorce lover. After dating a few men, she meets her current partner and experiences a whole new level of sexuality.

The Lowdown (42:46)

• Do you have sex during your period?
• What’s the approximate number of sex partners you’ve had?
• Are you generally more active or more passive during lovemaking?
• What’s your favorite part of your body?

The Patreon extras for this episode are:

• Jade talks about her adventures in non-monogamy
• Jade talks about what she learned in her childhood home about sex – including why her mother got married to her father
• The extended Lowdown Q&A

ALL audio extras are now FREE for everyone!!!!!  They can be accessed at www.patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex.  If you’d like to support the work I do, you can make a monthly contribution at that site.

Book a PJ Party!!!  All the info and registrations are at www.leahcarey.com/pjparty

FACEBOOK GROUP: www.facebook.com/groups/goodgirlstalk

CALL-IN: Want to leave a message for Leah? Call 720-GOOD-SEX (720-466-3739)

PATREON: Become a community supporter at www.patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex

RATE THIS POD: Leave a rating and review at www.ratethispodcast.com/goodgirls

BE A GUEST: Want to be on the show? Visit www.leahcarey.com/guest

COACHING: Want to talk with Leah directly? Visit www.leahcarey.com/coaching

Host – Leah Carey (website, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, email)

Audio Editor – Gretchen Kilby

Music – Nazar Rybak

We follow the oral sex question with a deep dive into swallowing ejaculate (or *not*.) We hear a wide variety of yes/no answers, but also yes/no conditions. Then Leah share her personal experience with blowjobs and the journey she took to make sure it was as good for her as it was for him.

How Healing Happens: Little boys get just as much bad messaging as little girls do. Learning how to openly and safely communicate with your sexual partner can re-educate and heal you both.

Bookmark moments:

• 1:49 – A chorus of women answer the question “Do you swallow?”
• 6:01 - Leah answers. She opens by sharing that in the pre-internet days, Cosmo was her primary source of information.
• 7:52 - The “If you love him, you swallow” rule and its fallout.
• 11:13 - Leah gives her first blowjob, and it’s disastrous for her afterwards.
• 13:03 - A new approach learned at a STARS class blows her mind.
• 16:25 - Leah and her partner try something new with blowjobs and it’s a win-win.
• 19:05 - Leah shares a listener email that offers an unusual perspective—a man’s response to the podcast.
• 24:47 - Podcast recommendation:

When Women Speak by Sara Sanderson - https://whenwomenspeak.buzzsprout.com/1104935

The Emma Case interview - https://whenwomenspeak.buzzsprout.com/1104935/4128944-am-i-welcome-here-why-we-must-do-more-than-simply-say-everyone-is-welcome

When Women Speak website - https://www.wwsgn.com/

Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/whenwomenspeakglobalnetwork/

 Resources mentioned:

• The STARS episode - https://link.chtbl.com/STARS

Book a PJ Party!!!  All the info and registrations are at www.leahcarey.com/pjparty

FACEBOOK GROUP: www.facebook.com/groups/goodgirlstalk

AM I NORMAL?: Leave a message for Leah at 720-GOOD-SEX (720-466-3739)

PATREON: Become a community supporter at www.patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex

RATE THIS POD: Leave a rating and review at www.ratethispodcast.com/goodgirls

BE A GUEST: Want to be on the show? Visit www.leahcarey.com/guest

COACHING: Want to talk with Leah directly? Visit www.leahcarey.com/coaching

Host – Leah Carey (website, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, email)

Music – Nazar Rybak

This week, 72-year-old Paulette gives us a window into growing up in a conservative time and culture, and how those tight-lipped and sexually discouraging tropes impacted her lifelong ability to experience pleasure.

Paulette is a cisgender female. She describes herself as mixed Black/Latinx, heterosexual, monogamous, and post-menopausal. She describes her body as "thick."

PSA: Restrictive beliefs can impact so many areas of life and pleasure. If something is confusing you and holding you back, ask, ask, ask for help.

Bookmark moments:

• 2:52 - Paulette shares her first memory of sexual pleasure, kissing a boy at around age 8 and liking it.
• 7:45 - Growing up in an African-American and West Indian family, the expectation was that girls would not bring shame to their family.
• 8:50 - She got her period at elementary school unexpectedly, and up to that point had received no education about sex or reproductive bodily functions. Even afterwards there was little detail imparted. “Keep your legs closed, your skirt down. You’re a young lady now.”
• 14:50 - Paulette opens up about her love of foreplay and less-than-love of penetration and tells about an early love experience with only kissing.
• 19:08 - She loses her virginity around age 20, though she is still very nervous to have sex because of the intense shaming around pregnancy out of wedlock.
• 21:13 - Paulette has a pregnancy and miscarriage, which she thinks may have been caused by her intense fear of the pregnancy. She has another pregnancy later with the same fears, and decides to seek an abortion. She later adopts two children.
• 26:28 - She marries at age 35, and finds herself sexually unsatisfied and unable to work on it with her husband.
• 31:25 - Paulette diverts her energy to her kids, in the face of her lack of satisfaction in the marriage.
• 33:57 - The talk turns to masturbation; Paulette has never done it, and the repressive effects have lasted her lifetime.
• 37:14 - They discuss body image and being “thick.” Paulette consciously raised her boys to have the body comfort and confidence she didn’t.
• 43:30 - Paulette shares that sometimes she gets what feel like incorporeal nighttime visits. Her husband has passed away at this point, as has her first love.

The Lowdown (47:30)

• What belief did you have about sex as a child or teenager that you wish you could correct her on now?
• (Follow up) Do you ever feel like there was a possibility of a breakthrough to enjoying it, or was it just something that did not seem available to you?

The audio extras for this episode are:

• More about Paulette’s relationship with her first lover, and how it felt when they progressed from making out to penetrative sex; plus a longer look at Paulette’s marriage to her husband
• The extended Lowdown Q&A

Audio extras are available to everyone FOR FREE at www.patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex.  Because this material is marked explicit, you will need to create an account to access it, but no pledge is required.  Of course, all pledges are happily accepted!

Book a PJ Party!!!  All the info and registrations are at www.leahcarey.com/pjparty

FACEBOOK GROUP: www.facebook.com/groups/goodgirlstalk

CALL-IN: Want to leave a message for Leah? Call 720-GOOD-SEX (720-466-3739)

PATREON: Become a community supporter at www.patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex

RATE THIS POD: Leave a rating and review at www.ratethispodcast.com/goodgirls

BE A GUEST: Want to be on the show? Visit www.leahcarey.com/guest

COACHING: Want to talk with Leah directly? Visit www.leahcarey.com/coaching

Host – Leah Carey (website, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, email)

Audio Editor – Gretchen Kilby

Music – Nazar Rybak