Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries – Details, episodes & analysis

Last week, I talked about the first two of the four essentials for mastering boundaries: “Who’s Got the Power?” and “Stinkin’ Thinkin’.” (If these don’t sound familiar, I recommend going back to listen to Episode 142.) This week, I’ll cover the third and fourth essentials: “Live and Let Live,” and “Change (So That I Can Feel Better).”

But before we begin, I want to share a big announcement: this will be the final episode of the Beyond Bitchy podcast. This has been a productive and fulfilling season of my life, but it’s time to bring it to a close and let the next season begin. If you want to keep up with what I’m doing next, please visit and subscribe to my Radiant Threefold Path Blog or follow me on Facebook, Instagram or YouTube. Thank you for being part of this podcast journey!

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #143:

• Others have a right to live the way they want, just as you have a right to live your life in the way you want. If you don’t like someone else’s choices, your power is in how you choose to respond. 
• The fourth essential probably addresses most of the problems you have with boundaries. If you want someone to change to make you feel better, you’re in one of the biggest pitfalls of creating effective boundaries.
• When you find yourself wanting someone to change, go back to essential #1: “Who’s Got the Power?” In short, you can take action around protecting yourself, or make a request of the other person.
• The biggest challenge you will probably face is the practice of returning to you, staying with your reality, and knowing what you want.

Highlights from Episode #143:

• Welcome to episode #143! Vicki quickly recaps the first two essentials for mastering boundaries, which she discussed in detail in the previous episode. [00:39]
• The third of Vicki’s four essentials is “Live and Let Live.” She talks about this in more depth, explaining what is (and isn’t) under your control. [04:56]
• Vicki shares an example of “Live and Let Live.” [08:17]
• How somebody dresses is another example of the third essential point. [11:27]
• The fourth essential encompasses most problems you likely have with boundaries. [12:50]
• Vicki digs into what the problem is with believing that someone should change to make you feel better. [15:40]
• What should you do when you find yourself wanting someone to change? Vicki answers, then recaps the four essentials that she has covered. [17:58]
• Vicki gives an example to illustrate the difference between what you could record and what you made up. [20:14]
•  Vicki makes a big announcement about the podcast: this will be the final episode. [24:24]
• Are you wondering what to do about your future boundaries challenges? Vicki promises that the answer is somewhere in the previous episodes of the podcast. She then invites you to sit down with a 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier, do the quiet inner work to discover your reality, your vision, where your power lies, and what action to take. [29:11]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram
• Beyond Bitchy on Spotify
• The Radiant Threefold Path
• The Radiant Threefold Path Blog
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on YouTube
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 142: 4 Essentials for Mastering Boundaries (Part I)
• Carolyn Myss

Are you ready for the third part of my series on the talking boundary? This one is all about a specific process from the work of Pia Mellody: the Talking Format. This strategy is a roadmap around how to share information with another person, and is ideal for challenging conversations. If you’ve ever found yourself struggling with how to express yourself effectively in a difficult interpersonal situation, don’t miss this episode!

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #134:

• The Talking Format consists of three parts:
  • Tell the other person about the data you observed to give a concrete example of the issue you’re raising.
  • Explain what you thought, perceived, or made up based on the data.
  • Share the emotions that you feel around the situation.
• When you’re using the Talking Format, make sure you have enough physical space to say what you want to say. Pay attention to what your body is telling you.
• The purpose of sharing is to be known and foster intimacy, not to blame, shame, control, criticize, or manipulate. If you become aware that your intention is to control or manipulate, you’re not yet ready to have the conversation.

Highlights from Episode #134:

• Welcome to the third and final part of Vicki’s series on the talking boundary! Check out the last two episodes if you haven’t yet heard part one one and part two of the series. [00:39]
• What is the Talking Format? Vicki shares the three basic steps. [03:45]
• Vicki offers an example to help illustrate how to use the technique she’s sharing today. [08:34]
• We learn more about how to use the Talking Format as part of the talking boundary. [12:22]
• When you’re sharing, remind yourself that you’re not blaming the other person. [15:39]
• You can approach a solution by expressing how you would prefer things to be. Vicki talks about how this might work in her example. [20:57]
• Vicki shares one last point about the Talking Format: it’s an actionable way to use the first step of the 5-Step Boundary Solution. [26:46]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki’s monthly Boundaries Clarifier Workshops
• The Talking Format (handout referenced in this episode)
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram
• The Radiant Threefold Path
• Beyond Bitchy on Spotify
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #132 – She Said What?! Part I of A Deeper Dive Into the Talking Boundary
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #133 – Speaking to Be Heard (Part 2 of a Deeper Dive Into the Talking Boundary)
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #1 – Boundaries: What They Are and Why They’re So Misunderstood (start here and work your way forward for the foundations of this podcast!)
• Pia Mellody

Has anyone ever told you that boundaries are selfish? Some people might claim that your boundaries are too “harsh” or “rigid,” or that boundaries are “wrong” or even “evil.” ( Yes, really!) In this episode, I’ll explore several explanations for why people might react this way, and truth about boundaries and selfishness.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #44:

• The least pathological explanation for why someone might think boundaries are selfish is that they simply don't understand what boundaries are. If someone has a strong distaste for boundaries, it’s likely they just don't understand what boundaries are.
• Another explanation for why someone might tell you that boundaries are selfish has to do with manipulation or control. The person on the receiving end of a boundary might complain that the boundary blocks intimacy, which is often a manipulation strategy.
• Nobody owes another person physical or sexual intimacy, or access to their body on demand. This is true even in intimate relationships and marriages. Boundaries around physical or sexual contact are non-negotiable, and are not selfish.
• Here are four reasons why boundaries are not selfish: they create safety, they create clear communication, they help you understand (and choose) how close you want to be to another person, and they let you become more relational.

Highlights from Episode #44:

• Vicki welcomes listeners to today’s episode, which is all about the question of whether or not boundaries are selfish. [00:39]
• We learn about the least pathological explanation for why someone might think that boundaries are selfish. [02:19]
• Vicki shares a story and some examples that illustrate boundaries as reasonable and necessary. [04:54]
• We hear more about a problematic explanation for why someone might tell you that your boundaries are wrong or selfish. [07:43]
• Sometimes the person on the receiving end of a boundary will complain that the boundary is blocking intimacy. [09:07]
• Vicki points out a problem with telling someone that their boundaries are blocking intimacy. [11:33]
• We learn four reasons why boundaries are not selfish. [12:50]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Sheri Winston

This episode all about confidence! Confidence is more important than your experience, your credentials, what background you came from, or any other external factor or feature about you. That’s why it’s so important to protect it! Tune in to learn about five boundaries to help you increase your confidence.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #43:

• Confidence has a huge impact on how you feel about your past, your present, and your future. It’s often the only barrier between staying stuck or settling, and creating the life you want. Confidence is an experience of esteem, and can be increased and cultivated.
• Think about the last time you felt confident. It was likely a result of facing some kind of fear and coming out on the other side successfully. When you’re feeling confident due to your successes, you’re more likely to try new things.
• In these five areas of your life, boundaries can help build and protect your confidence: basic physical self-care, work/life balance, time for focus (both personally and professionally), finances, and time for reflection.
• This episode comes with an assignment. Sit down with a pen and paper, then list three times you’ve felt confident in the past, and why you felt that way. Next, write down three times that you felt that your confidence was weak or non-existent, and why that was the case. Your answers to these questions will help you create a roadmap to what you need to have more — or less — of to protect your confidence.

Highlights from Episode #43:

• Welcome to today’s episode! Vicki introduces today’s topic: confidence. [00:39]
• Vicki mentions that confidence is not only an internal experience, but also a capability that you can cultivate through the use of boundaries. [02:45]
• Why is confidence so important? [04:31]
• Vicki shares the first and second of the five areas in which boundaries can protect and build your confidence. [06:41]
• We learn about the third and fourth ways to protect your confidence with boundaries. [10:52]
• The fifth and final item on Vicki’s list involves taking time to reflect. [12:25]
• Vicki gives listeners a specific assignment. [16:53]
• We hear about a common, pervasive way that our confidence can be impacted. [22:16]
• Vicki quickly recaps the topics that she covered in today’s episode. [25:06]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Dan Sullivan
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 16: You, Technology & Boundaries

A question I get from time to time that always surprises me: “What do you do when you make a request of another person, and they ignore your request?” Assuming that you know that the other person heard your request, it’s painful to get no response. Today’s episode explores what to do if this happens to you.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #42:

• How you respond when someone ignores your request depends a lot on who you made a request of, the type of request you’ve made, and how important that request is to you.
• There are different ways that people can ignore requests: pretending they didn’t hear (or read) the request, or tell you they’ll get back to you later and then never follow up.
• When an important request of an important person is ignored, start with the least pathological explanation. If the person says they’ll get back to you but they don’t, follow up with them and ask for a timeframe. If they responded to your communication but not your request, follow up on the request specifically.
• If you’ve done all of the above but this person still avoids responding, you have important information about that person. What does it mean for you to know that this person is avoidant? Can you get your want or need met without agreement from this person?

Highlights from Episode #42:

• Vicki welcomes listeners to this episode, which will address the question of what you do when your request is ignored. [00:39]
• We hear a quick refresher on the difference between zones of privacy and zones of intimacy, and how they’re relevant to today’s question. [03:20]
• Vicki clarifies the spectrum of attachment styles, and points out that people who ignore requests tend to lean toward the avoidant end of the spectrum. [07:04]
• There are a couple of ways that people can ignore requests, Vicki explains. [09:36]
• Vicki offers advice on what to do assuming the request and person are important to you. [12:12]
• We hear a story of something that happened to Vicki that’s relevant to her points. [14:53]
• What do you do if you’ve done everything right, but the person still doesn’t respond? [19:50]
• Vicki shares a question to ask yourself, and advice on how to find the answer. [22:38]
• If you’re asking someone who’s not very important to you for a very small thing, and you continue to repeat your request, you may have deeper issues around your perception that others are ignoring you are or dismissive. [25:45]
• Vicki recaps the points that she’s covered today. [27:54]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 23: TMI, and Other Problems When Sharing Personal Information
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 9: Introduction to the 5-Step Boundary Solution
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 10: Knowing and Owning Your Reality (Step 1 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution)
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 11: Getting Your Needs Met (Step 2 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution)
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 12: Your Power Center (Step 3 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution)
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 14: Taking Action! (Step 4 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution)
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 15: When Boundaries are Successful . . . or Not (Step 5 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution)

Thanks to all the listeners for the great feedback and questions you’ve been submitting. This episode is a response to a listener’s question about the difference between demands and requests. Tune in to learn about the difference between the two, and whether it’s possible to create a boundary with another person without making a request.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #41:

• Almost everyone struggles around knowing the difference between demands and requests. Even if you feel you understand the difference intellectually, it can be easy—and tempting—to use demands rather than requests.
• A request involves asking politely, respectfully, or formally for something. A demand is a forceful statement in which you say that something must be done or given to you.
• If you confuse creating a boundary with making demands or making a request, you will be in trouble. Creating a boundary with another person requires that you have an agreement with that person.
• Even if you have very good reasons to be concerned about your spouse, every adult has a right to make the choices they want to make, even when their choices are behaviors that may not be healthy for them.

Highlights from Episode #41:

• Welcome to a quick-tips episode that was inspired by a listener’s question, which Vicki paraphrases. [00:40]
• Vicki starts her answer to the listener’s question by defining requests and demands, and shares an example of a request that her husband made of her. [04:54]
• We learn why confusing boundaries and demands is problematic. [07:43]
• Demands are often made when a person is feeling anxious or very attached to the outcome, Vicki explains. [10:16]
• Vicki makes a couple of comments about specific aspects of the listener’s question. [12:01]
• What do you do when your spouse is engaging in unhealthy behaviors like eating too much, eating junk food, or smoking. [14:48]
• Vicki offers advice for when your spouse thinks they’re a victim when you are not in fact breaking an agreement. [19:25]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 14: Taking Action!
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 9: Introduction to the 5-Step Boundary Solution

Thank you for joining me for the third and final part in my series on the complicated—but so important—listening boundary. If you’ve missed the earlier episodes, I recommend that you go back to listen to Part 1 and Part 2. Today, we’ll move from what happens to you internally as you listen to how you may want to respond.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #40:

• When your listening boundary is working well, you’re not only filtering what you’re hearing, but also paying very close attention to your own thoughts that are generated in response to what was said.
• When what the other person said is also true for you, you can simply say that you agree.
• If what they said isn’t true for you, start your response with the part that you do agree with. This is called “leading with agreement.”
• If you’re not really sure whether you agree with what you heard, or what you think about it, you can ask clarifying questions. It’s also okay not to have an opinion, or to say that you don’t know.
• There are some tools or skills to use when you’re in a difficult situation. These include paying attention to the physical space between you and the other person, remembering who the other person is to you, and creating a sense of protection for yourself.

Highlights from Episode #40:

• Vicki welcomes listeners to the third part of her series on the listening boundary. [00:48]
• We hear a quick recap of what Vicki covered in Part 2 of the series. [03:13]
• Vicki talks about how you might proceed based on the three internal responses if your listening boundary is working well. [06:23]
• If someone important in your life tends to automatically respond with a “no,” a great strategy is to tell them what you want to talk about and suggest having the conversation later. [12:22]
• Vicki makes another point about areas where you have a difference of opinion. These situations can cause stress in relationships. [15:11]
• We learn about how to respond if you’re not sure what you think or whether you agree. [18:04]
• Vicki shares some tools and skills for dealing with a difficult situation or person. [19:50]
• There are other ways to think about your listening boundary, Vicki points out, then gives an example. [24:45]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 37: The Listening Boundary Part 1
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 39: The Listening Boundary Part 2: How it Works
• Pia Mellody
• The New Rules of Marriage by Terrence Real

Welcome to Part 2 in my series on the listening boundary! It bears repeating that this is the most complicated of the four primary boundaries, and today, we’ll go straight into the heart of using this boundary in practice.*

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #39:

• Listening with curiosity and the intention of knowing the other person better is the foundation for using the listening boundary well. The closer the relationship you have with someone, the more challenging it is to maintain a strong listening boundary.
• There are only a few listening boundary violations. Examples include looking away for an extended period of time, rolling your eyes, or any overt signs of disinterest or boredom—like yawning—while someone is talking to you one-on-one.
• Once you listen with curiosity and respect, you’ll notice one of three things: you have the same perception as they do, you have a different perception, or you need more information to know what you think and feel about what you've heard.
• People with certain traits or mental health issues can have problems with the listening boundary and taking what others say very personally. They may interpret a simple matter like which restaurant you prefer to go to as a major indicator about how you feel about them.

• Highlights from Episode #39:

• Vicki shares that she's getting over a cold, and touches on the subject of boundaries and illness. [00:48]
• This episode is Part 2 of the listening boundary series, Vicki explains, then reminds listeners about what the listening boundary is. [03:15]
• Vicki briefly reviews the pre-work for the listening boundary, much of which she covered in Episode 37. [07:08]
• Vicki dives further into how to use the listening boundary. [09:36]
• We hear about the three possible experiences when you listen with interest and respect. [12:41]
• What do you do when you have a different perception than the other person? [17:29]
• We hear about some issues when having a different perception requires more conversation. [21:41]
• Vicki talks about the third of the three options when you’re listening. [23:07]
• We learn about a few of the many challenges involved in using the listening boundary. [24:52]
• Vicki touches on the question of how to work on self-esteem. [34:18]

*Information about the listening boundary presented in this episode is adapted from the work of Pia Mellody.

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Sheri Winston
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 37: The Listening Boundary Part I

As with every first episode of the month, this one is dedicated to the topic of women and boundaries. But men, that doesn’t mean you should stop listening! This information will help men have a greater understanding of women’s experiences of safety, sensuality, and sexuality, which can lead to deeper connection with the important women in your life.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #38:

• There’s a missing link between a woman’s experience of safety and her sexuality, or between the experience of safety and her sexual connection with a partner, and that missing link is sensuality.
• A woman’s connection to her sensuality is vital to both her sense of safety and to how she feels about being sexual with a partner. When your senses are satisfied or happy, you feel calmer and safer.
• Once you’re aware of the relationship between safety and sensuality, you can use your experience of your own senses as a learning laboratory to increase your feelings of sexual safety and expand your awareness of yourself as a sensual being.
• As you move into more awareness of your body, you’ll begin to identify what’s more pleasing to you. This includes not only sensations of being touched (by yourself or another person), but also your body posture and movement.

Highlights from Episode #38:

• We hear about the subject of today’s episode, which is dedicated to the topic of women and boundaries. [00:47]
• Vicki discusses the missing link between a woman’s sense of safety and her sexuality. [01:59]
• We learn some definitions of words relevant to today’s subject, including the important difference between sensuous and sensual. [04:16]
• How is sensuality related to boundaries, including non-sexual boundaries? [07:11]
• Vicki takes a moment to explain the purpose of what she’s been talking about. [10:46]
• What do you do with the awareness of the relationship between safety and sensuality? Vicki offers ideas for each of the five senses. [13:46]
• Vicki points out that the sense of touch includes the direct experience of being physically touched, and recommends a body-mapping exercise. [23:14]
• We hear about an experience that Vicki had around 20 years ago, and how it relates to what she’s been talking about. [26:48]
• Vicki recaps what she’s talked about in today’s episode. [31:41]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Sheri Winston
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 17: Yes, No & Maybe: Sexual Boundaries for Women with Sheri Winston

A listener asked for an episode specifically dedicated to the practice of the listening boundary. As I started working through what I wanted to talk about, I realized there’s too much to fit into one episode, so this will be a series. This is the first part; the second part will air in two weeks.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #37:

• The listening boundary is how we take in, filter, and ultimately respond to incoming information, whether verbal or written. This is the most difficult, challenging, and complex of the boundaries, but it’s incredibly important.
• When you’re filtering information as part of the listening boundary, you have three options. First, you can take the information in as true for you. Second, you can decide that it is not true for you, or that you don't have the same perception. Finally, you may need more information or realize that there is no way to determine whether or not it is true.
• As you work on improving this boundary, constantly remember that you are going to practice the boundary imperfectly. Also keep in mind that the highest purpose of listening to another person is to know and understand who the other person is.
• Here’s a simple assignment to practice: notice how many times you listen to someone and have the temptation to begin your response with the part of what they said that you didn’t agree with, or like. Instead, pay attention to the things that you agree with.

Highlights from Episode #37:

• Vicki introduces the topic of today’s episode: the listening boundary. [00:48]
• What is the listening boundary? [02:34]
  We hear about an instance in which Vicki had to practice the listening boundary recently. [04:38]
• Vicki talks about exactly how the listening boundary works, and explains the three options for filtering information. [07:31]
• How can you prepare for having a better listening boundary, and what are some of the things that you need to know as you’re working on improving this boundary? [12:29]
• Vicki shares another point you should remember as you prepare to use the listening boundary. [19:22]
• We hear about what can happen when a person’s listening boundary is not working. [22:10]
• Vicki covers some of the common pitfalls around the listening boundary. [24:39]
• Vicki gives listeners a simple assignment to practice before part 2 of this series on the listening boundary. [29:38]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier