Parental (Over) Involvement & The Start of College - A Conversation with Jess Lahey
Season 1 · Episode 35
Tuesday, September 3, 2024 • Duration 45:06
In this episode of the Self Driven Child podcast, I'm thrilled to welcome back one of my favorite voices in parenting, Jess Lahey. Jess is a New York Times bestselling author, an educator, and someone who's been on the front lines of both teaching and parenting. We discuss the emotional rollercoaster that is the transition from high school to college—not just for our kids, but for us as parents too.
We talk about the balance between supporting our children and giving them the space to grow into their own people. Jess shares personal anecdotes about her own children's experiences, shedding light on the challenges and triumphs that come with this major life change. Jess gives insights on how to approach the first day of college, handle the inevitable bumps along the way, and most importantly, how to step back and let our kids take the reins.
Episode Highlights:
[00:42] - Introduction to the episode and guest Jess Lahey.
[3:25] - Jess shares her experience with her children's transition to college.
[7:09] - The importance of letting kids create their own identity in college.
[14:24] - How to support your child without taking over, and the power of apology.
[22:19] - Preparing kids for the unexpected challenges in college.
[26:19] - The importance of helping kids build competence and a sense of control.
[39:17] - Understanding why kids push away during major transitions and how to handle it.
If this episode has helped you, remember to rate, follow, and share the Self-Driven Child Podcast. Your support helps us reach more people and create more content that makes a difference.
If you have a high school aged student and would like to talk about putting a tutoring or college plan together, reach out to Ned's company, PrepMatters at www.prepmatters.com
What Do You Say? Why we LOVE Book #2!
Season 1 · Episode 34
Tuesday, August 6, 2024 • Duration 27:19
In this episode, I sit down with my co-author, Dr. William R. Stixrud, to do an origin story into the key concepts from our latest book, "What Do You Say?: How to Talk with Kids to Build Motivation, Stress Tolerance, and a Happy Home". We discuss the crucial importance of connection between parents and children, exploring how empathy and validation can transform relationships and foster mental well-being. Bill shares insights from our research and experiences, highlighting the profound impact of close relationships on kids' stress levels and overall happiness. Tune in as we unpack practical strategies for effective communication and building stronger bonds with your children.
Episode Highlights:
[01:37] - Bill discusses the motivation behind writing our second book, "What Do You Say?". [03:13] - The challenges of balancing control and fostering independence in children. [06:57] - The unexpected mental health risks in high-achieving children. [08:19] - The power of empathy and validation in strengthening parent-child connections. [10:25] - How reflective listening can enhance communication and trust. [12:25] - The importance of understanding before judging in parent-child interactions. [18:27] - Real-life stories illustrating the impact of empathetic responses.
Links & Resources:
Get the book:What Do You Say?: How to Talk with Kids to Build Motivation, Stress Tolerance, and a Happy Home by Dr. William R. Stixrud and Ned Johnson
New Year's Resolution: Aka, "How Do I Get My Kid To....?"
Season 1 · Episode 25
Tuesday, January 16, 2024 • Duration 36:09
In this episode, I have a great conversation with my co-author and friend Dr. Bill Stixrud about motivation and change, especially as we start a new year. We discuss the difference between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation and how to help kids find their own internal drive.
Dr. Bill Stixrud is a clinical neuropsychologist and author. We have co-authored two books together - The Self-Driven Child and What Do You Say? He brings a wealth of knowledge about the adolescent brain and supporting kids' development.
Episode Highlights: [02:18] - Sharing my own New Year's resolutions as an example. [05:03] - Explaining intrinsic vs extrinsic motivation. [06:16] - Discussing natural consequences using a story about my tractor. [09:39] - Connecting coping skills to motivation and change. [11:27] - Talking about the ambivalence people feel around change. [14:51] - Sharing a story about motivational interviewing and drug use. [20:32] - Emphasizing you can't force someone to change. [26:22] - Offering advice for parents who want to reset their approach. [30:14] - Laughing about a story from our new book. [33:51] - Wishing everyone a happy new year!
If this episode has struck a chord with you, remember to rate, follow, and share the Self-Driven Child Podcast. Your support helps us reach more people and create more content that makes a difference. Here's to growing, learning, and thriving as adults in this wild world. Until next time!
If you have a high school aged student and would like to talk about putting a tutoring or college plan together, reach out to Ned's company, PrepMatters at www.prepmatters.com
2023 Reflections
Season 1 · Episode 24
Wednesday, December 27, 2023 • Duration 21:18
I have spent over 25 years talking with parents about supporting their kids' education and wellbeing. After a turbulent few years dealing with the pandemic, I offer compassionate reflections on what I’ve learned about helping kids heal up before catching up academically.
Episode Highlights: [02:22] - Kids tend to heal up before they catch up academically after disruptions like COVID. [05:11] - Focus on balancing healthy inflows and outflows of stress for families. [07:33] - Importance of parents being a non-anxious presence for kids. [09:44] - Let kids solve their own problems; don't take over. [12:11] - Anecdote about letting his son handle his own last-minute paper crunch. [15:55] - Excelling in college after years of school struggles. [19:22] - Kids want to do well even if they seem resistant. [21:33] - Changing the energy from pressure to support with a struggling student. [25:44] - Taking the long view and having confidence in kids. [27:11] - Things can get better even after really tough years.
If this episode has struck a chord with you, remember to rate, follow, and share the Self-Driven Child Podcast. Your support helps us reach more people and create more content that makes a difference. Here's to growing, learning, and thriving as adults in this wild world. Until next time!
If you have a high school aged student and would like to talk about putting a tutoring or college plan together, reach out to Ned's company, PrepMatters at www.prepmatters.com
Embracing Adulting: Insights from Julie Lythcott-Haims
Season 1 · Episode 23
Monday, November 20, 2023 • Duration 57:19
In today’s episode, I dig into the art of adulting with the phenomenal Julie Lythcott-Haims. Julie is not just a former Stanford Dean and a New York Times bestselling author; she's a beacon of wisdom for the youth and an advocate for the exhilarating journey of self-reliance. Tune in as we unravel the complexities of adult life, discuss the power of human connection, and explore the intricacies of finding your 'why'. deliciousness of adulting!
Timeline Summary:
[00:00] - Julie opens up about the terror and exhilaration of stepping into adulthood and the deliciousness of being in charge of your own life.
[02:46] - A warm welcome to Julie, as she joins the podcast, bringing her insights on the challenges of adulting in today’s world.
[03:10] - Julie discusses her motivations for writing her latest book and reflects on her role as a guiding dean to the younger generation.
[05:59] - The struggle and triumph of finding a voice that resonates with young adults.
[10:27] - Unpacking the concept of adulting.
[17:23] - The necessity of stepping out of your comfort zone to truly engage with life and develop resilience.
[20:13] - The courage to be transparent and the power of sharing vulnerabilities.
[30:46] - Julie's discussion with Irshad Manji about the moral courage in conversations and the power of listening.
[37:47] - The deliberate inclusion of diverse voices and experiences to reflect the vast tapestry of human life.
[43:36] - The significance of mentors and the impact of one caring adult in a young person's life.
If this episode has struck a chord with you, remember to rate, follow, and share the Self-Driven Child Podcast. Your support helps us reach more people and create more content that makes a difference. Here's to growing, learning, and thriving as adults in this wild world. Until next time!
Thanksgiving and Families: A Talk with Phyllis L. Fagell and Dr. Robyn Silverman
Season 1 · Episode 22
Thursday, November 16, 2023 • Duration 38:17
This Thanksgiving episode tackles the inevitable family drama that comes with the holiday. I sat down with parenting experts Phyllis L. Fagell and Dr. Robyn Silverman to get their tips for navigating tricky conversations and situations with family members. We covered how to set expectations beforehand, validate kids' feelings without agreeing, use humor to defuse tense moments, and provide coping tools for when things go off the rails. The goal is to make the holiday more enjoyable for everyone - kids and adults alike! Tune in for practical strategies to make this Thanksgiving drama-free.
I was joined by two of my favorite parenting experts:
· Phyllis L. Fagell, school counselor and author of “Middle School Superpowers: Raising Resilient Tweens in Turbulent Times”.
· Dr. Robyn Silverman, child and teen development specialist and author of “How to Talk to Kids about Anything: Tips, Scripts, Stories, and Steps to Make Even the Toughest Conversations Easier”.
Timeline Summary:
[02:00] How to set expectations with family beforehand.
[03:57] Understanding kids' sensitivity around changes in their appearance.
[06:09] Making sure adults are aware of their own triggers.
[09:36] Giving kids an “out” if conversations get uncomfortable.
[12:18] Redirecting family away from constant questions about school.
[14:06] Using humor and screens to diffuse tense moments.
[18:08] Coaching kids on sharing funny videos/memes.
[19:29] Helping kids not feel “on the spot” in conversations.
[22:10] Getting to know grandparents as real people, not just authority figures.
[23:08] Alternatives to repetitive questions about school.
[27:25] Validating kids' feelings when things go wrong.
A Non-Anxious Presence with Dr. William Stixrud
Season 1 · Episode 21
Tuesday, October 24, 2023 • Duration 29:52
I'm joined by my co-host and co-author of The Self-Driven Child Dr. William Stixrud to discuss how to be a non-anxious presence for your kids when things feel stressful and scary in the world. As parents and educators, modeling calmness and confidence helps children feel braver.
Dr. Bill Stixrud is a clinical neuropsychologist and co-author of the bestselling books The Self-Driven Child and What Do You Say? His work focuses on supporting kids to build resilience, motivation, and handle anxiety.
Timeline Summary:
[00:39] - Introducing the idea of a "non-anxious presence" and why it's so valuable for kids.
[02:43] - Where Dr. Stixrud first came across this concept and what it means.
[04:37] - Children look to parents' reactions in stressful situations. Staying calm helps kids feel confident.
[06:16] - Accepting worst-case scenarios while remaining motivated to support your child.
[09:23] - Taking care of yourself models self-care and brings equilibrium.
[11:06] - The benefits of scheduling prescribed worry time.
[12:40] - Dr. Stixrud's 50-year meditation practice for managing stress.
[15:43] - Rats turning a wheel to activate the prefrontal cortex and reduce stress.
[18:31] - Validating children's difficult feelings while emphasizing their competence.
[21:02] - Making home a safe haven and modeling handling hard emotions.
[22:35] - The recipe for developing resilience: stress plus rest and recovery.
[24:09] - Being calm helps other people manage crises better.
[25:50] - Good sleep gives perspective on challenges.
[27:27] - Wishing for peace in the Middle East. Moving towards non-anxious presence.
How To Talk With Kids About Anything with Dr. Robyn Silverman
Season 1 · Episode 20
Tuesday, October 3, 2023 • Duration 49:09
In this insightful interview, I am joined by my friend and co-author Dr. William Stixrud to speak with child development specialist Dr. Robyn Silverman. We discuss her new book, How to Talk with Kids About Anything. We dive into tough but critical conversations like handling big emotions, building self-esteem, making mistakes, and forming friendships. Dr. Silverman shares valuable advice and scripts for connecting with kids through their triumphs and tribulations. Her vast experience and research is distilled into an accessible guide for parents and caregivers. Don’t miss her incredible insights on empowering kids to handle life’s ups and downs. This conversation overflows with compassion and tools to foster healthy communication.
Dr. Robyn Silverman is a renowned child and teen development specialist seen frequently on national television programs. Her podcast “How to Talk with Kids About Anything” offers incredible wisdom from leading experts. Dr. William Stixrud and I have been guests sharing approaches from The Self-Driven Child. Now we have the tables turned and get to ask Dr. Silverman about her must-read new book.
Timeline Summary:
[02:26] – Starting the podcast after being bullied as a child when adults didn’t know what to say.
[05:00] – The importance of giving kids words and understanding to handle life’s challenges.
[06:28] – Emotional inhibition and invalidation lead kids to become more dysregulated over time.
[08:33] – Discussing the benefits and catharsis of expressing sadness.
[09:47] – Anger often masks hurt; getting underneath to find the real issue.
[12:36] – Assuring kids of unconditional love, regardless of mistakes.
[17:11] – Identifying when sadness becomes persistent depression.
[19:39] – Allowing kids to go through the “tunnel” of hard feelings is better than taking those feelings away.
[22:58] – Fostering self-esteem by celebrating kids’ unique strengths.
This Simple Fix Could Help Anxious Kids: A Conversation with Lenore Skenazy
Season 1 · Episode 19
Tuesday, September 19, 2023 • Duration 46:16
I’m thrilled to have Lenore Skenazy, founder of the Free-Range Kids movement, as my guest on the show today. Lenore has been sounding the alarm about childhood anxiety and overprotection for years, and she shares powerful insights from psychology professor Camilo Ortiz’s recent research on how independence - not just accommodation - can help anxious kids thrive.
Timeline Summary:
[00:53] - Introducing Lenore Skenazy and the Free-Range Parenting movement.
[02:09] – Lenore’s New York Times article about how we’ve increasingly deprived kids of independence.
[06:15] - Camilo Ortiz tried “independence therapy” with anxious kids.
[08:33] - This therapy works like cognitive behavioral therapy but starting with intrinsic motivation.
[14:13] - Overprotection may make kids scared, not the world itself being scary.
[16:19] - Taking away autonomy means no problem-solving.
[19:03] - Trying to protect makes kids anxious. Independence provides chances to gain optimism.
[24:32] - Activities create intrinsic motivation to overcome obstacles and build resilience.
[27:17] - We’ve taken the foot off the developmental brake.
[32:02] - Schools are ideal for “Let Grow” projects, normalizing independence among peers.
[33:33] - Holding kids back sends a dangerous message.
[43:32] - We must give kids freedom so they become brave, resilient adults.
When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic (with Jennifer Wallace)
Season 1 · Episode 18
Tuesday, August 22, 2023 • Duration 41:02
Today I talk with Jennifer Wallace, an award-winning journalist and author of "Never Enough: When Achievement Pressure Becomes Toxic and What We Can Do About It." With an illustrious career that began at “60 Minutes” and her current role as a Journalism Fellow at the Center for Parent and Teen Communication at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia, Jennifer brings a wealth of knowledge and a keen eye to the discussion.
Together, we discuss the intricacies of parental pressures, the weight of societal expectations, and the emotional toll it takes on children. As we navigate the turbulent waters of achievement and the idea of "never enough," Jennifer sheds light on the transforming landscape of parenthood and the silent battles our children face. Are parents unknowingly acting as conduits of social pressure? Can the prestige of a top-ranked college serve as a life vest in uncertain times, or is it turning into a lead vest drowning our children? Tune in for an episode filled with profound insights, backed by Jennifer's impeccable journalism and real-life anecdotes.
Timeline Summary: [02:11] Shocking stats from nationwide parenting survey
[05:45] Overworked teen runs laps on 5 hours of sleep
[07:08] Relentless achievement culture like dystopian novel
[08:04] Vital importance of sleep for anxious teens
[19:41] 5:1 positive to negative interaction ratio
[20:24] Abandoning play and downtime
[22:39] Instilling balanced lives early on
[23:23] "Don't talk that way about my kid!"
[25:08] Not anti-achievement, just pro-balance
[25:40] PDFT - playtime, downtime, family time
If this episode has helped you, remember to rate, follow, and share the Self-Driven Child Podcast. Your support helps us reach more people and create more content that makes a difference.
If you have a high school aged student and would like to talk about putting a tutoring or college plan together, reach out to Ned's company, PrepMatters at www.prepmatters.com
If you have a high school aged student and would like to talk about putting a tutoring or college plan together, reach out to Ned's company, PrepMatters at www.prepmatters.com
[31:53] Agreeing on facts versus feelings.
[33:07] Using different coping mechanisms based on the child.
[35:05] Having distractions/diversions ready when things go downhill.
[35:50] Importance of food and blood sugar levels.
Links & Resources:
· Washington Post Article: Getting silly with your kids is vital. Here’s how to get play into your day.
I hope these practical tips help make Thanksgiving a little smoother for your family! If you enjoyed this episode, don’t forget to rate, follow, share, and review. Happy Thanksgiving!
If you have a high school aged student and would like to talk about putting a tutoring or college plan together, reach out to Ned's company, PrepMatters at www.prepmatters.com
If you found this episode helpful, please rate, follow, share, and review the Self Driven Podcast. Being a non-anxious presence helps kids handle hard things. Look for opportunities to model calmness, confidence, and coping. Wishing you peace in unsettled times.
If you have a high school aged student and would like to talk about putting a tutoring or college plan together, reach out to Ned's company, PrepMatters at www.prepmatters.com
[26:51] – Toxic perfectionism and low self-esteem start early and plague high achievers.
[30:15] – The power of observing vs praise in building kids’ self-esteem.
[33:08] – Guiding kids to recognize and leave toxic friendships.
[35:58] – Sharing stories of famous failures to reframe mistakes as learning.
[40:04] – Modeling imperfection and apologies fosters empathy in kids.
[44:40] – Long parenting relationships mean we keep learning as kids grow.
Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode. If you found it insightful, I urge you to share it with others. And hey, if you enjoyed it, please don't forget to rate, follow, and review our podcast. Your support means the world to us. Until the next time, remember to love your kids and stay curious!
If you have a high school aged student and would like to talk about putting a tutoring or college plan together, reach out to Ned's company, PrepMatters at www.prepmatters.com
Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode. If you found it insightful, I urge you to share it with others. And hey, if you enjoyed it, please don't forget to rate, follow, and review our podcast. Your support means the world to us. Until the next time, remember to love your kids and stay curious!
If you have a high school aged student and would like to talk about putting a tutoring or college plan together, reach out to Ned's company, PrepMatters at www.prepmatters.com
If you have a high school aged student and would like to talk about putting a tutoring or college plan together, reach out to Ned's company, PrepMatters at www.prepmatters.com
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