Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE – Details, episodes & analysis

In Episode 243, Mark & Steve address a very important issue submitted to PBSE by a listener who is the betrayed partner of a porn/sex addict. This question especially resonated with Mark as he himself, along with a number of his children and many of his extended family, have suffered with the challenges of mental illness and related diagnosed issues like ADHD. Here's the submission by a PBSE listener—

My husband and I have been friends for close to 20 years, in a relationship for 7 years, and married for 3. He has been addicted to pornography for most of his life, close to 40 years. I started to suspect something a couple weeks before we got married, and he finally confessed his addiction about 6 months later. We now both have CSATs that work together as a team and we have been seeing them for about 18 months. My husband has been doing fairly well, or so I thought, but I have just found out he has been in a relapse for a couple of months. I am of course hurt and angry that he would go back down this road after all the work, time, and money that has been invested in his recovery. He very much wants to get back on track, but feels that I need to take a much larger role in his recovery. I should mention that my husband is diagnosed with ADHD. For this reason alone, he feels he needs me to essentially manage his recovery. If he has homework, sit down and do it with him. Set up our weekly check ins and give him reminders about them. Follow up that he has made therapy appointments, continually check in with him that he is not using porn etc. I do not want to have to manage all this for him. He feels that If I truly care and support him, I will understand that because of his ADHD, this is what he needs in order to be successful. I do know that it is not the wife’s place to do this typically. Is there ever a time, for instance when ADHD is present, that this could be a healthy, successful approach to both partners' recovery. Thank you so much.

• First of all, we have tremendous empathy for those challenged by ADHD. 
• This is NOT an episode about the intricacies of ADHD and how it relates to addiction and recovery. We covered this topic in a very basic sense in Episode 210. This episode is about what it means to be truly PROACTIVE and LEAD OUT in one’s own recovery. 
• Mental Illness and Addiction:  One of the great challenges in our field is an issue of “What came first, the chicken or the egg?” Did mental illness, trauma, abuse and the like come first and lead to addiction or vice-versa? Mark can speak to this from personal experience . . . 
• What was HORRENDOUSLY HARD for Mark was honestly and vulnerably facing what it means to “own MY side of the street/MY recovery.” What does it mean to “LEAD OUT” and be PROACTIVE? How do you balance this with realities, limited capacities, self-compassion, etc.?
• With mental illness, trauma, abuse and the like in the mix, there are more “moving parts” to recovery.
• What IS a reasonable expectation for an individual with both challenges—addiction and mental illness/trauma/abuse? What are the EDUCATION, RESOURCES & TOOLS in today’s world?
• Moving from “me” to “WE” and how to find the balance in the “addict’s side of the street” vs. the “partner’s side.” 
• What does true “collaboration” look like as a coupleship?
• How does the betrayed partner of an addict balance her own self-care, betrayal trauma healing and boundaries in this whole process? How does she walk the delicate line of healthy support vs. enablement?  

For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/my-porn-addicted-partner-has-adhd-he-insists-i-must-manage-his-recovery-for-him-to-succeed-is-this

In this PBSE episode (#242), Mark & Steve respond to an incredibly vulnerable, painful submission by a PBSE listener. Her submission starts out with—

I was happy to have found your podcast after my partner’s reluctant disclosure last month. After experiencing what can only be described as one of the most intensely painful experiences of my life, I navigated my way to one of your episodes about betrayal trauma and it immediately eased my mind and provided me a much-needed sense of validation. I really thought my full mind and body breakdown was an unwarranted overreaction. A little bit of context before I ask my question . . .

She then describes how she was married for 8 years to an extremely abusive man who was addicted to drugs, alcohol and pornography. She finally had to end that relationship to protect herself and her children from further abuse and ongoing danger. Afters a number of years, she was courageous enough to "try again" and shares that she has been in a new relationship for the past 4 years with someone who has helped her understand what love truly is for the first time. He has been steadfast, reliable, kind and patient. From the outset, she made her stand on porn clear—that it has no place in a healthy relationship. He said that he had used it prior to their relationship, but had no need for it anymore. Then comes the bombshell that rocked her world! Here's how she describes it—

After returning from a three-day work conference last month, I sensed that he was less than eager to reconnect with me. I just had this intuitive, crushing feeling, so I asked him point blank if he had used pornography while I was away. He confessed, but very minimally, and he may have said more but I broke. Absolutely broke. I was flooded with despair. Not even a month after our marriage, I was faced with the terrible realization that I had made another huge mistake. That this was a complete stranger who had lied by omission countless times, and that I was once again in the position of being the “not good enough” wife. Despite his good intent and compassion, I wrestle with these and many more tormenting thoughts daily. I feel like life has pretty much stayed the same for him, while my whole world has been ripped apart. My question is this - he said that he has never liked this “need” within him, and that I could never understand because I am not a man. If this “need” is in every man, is there even a point in any woman EVER expecting their partner to be 100% faithful to them, spiritually, mentally, and physically? If my husband, an upstanding, moral, and loving individual, could betray me in this way and then chalk it up to the “essence” of man, then it doesn’t leave me with much (in fact, ANY) hope that I will ever be worth fidelity from him or anyone else. I would truly rather be on my own than deal with the incessant and intrusive thought that he will be forever seeking sexual gratification outside of our union.  Your words and wisdom would be truly appreciated. Sincerely,  One jaded, exhausted, and heartbroken wife.
 
In this episode, Mark & Steve speak from the heart to this blindsided and deeply betrayed partner. They help her understand her completely legitimate trauma and the flood of emotions she is experiencing. They talk about "his side of the street" with regard to her addict partner and what he can do going forward IF this relationship is to be saved. They also offer some insights and guidance to this betrayed partner and speak specifically to HOW she can STEP INTO HER POWER moving forward!

For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/men-will-just-be-men-live-with-it-really

In Episode 233, Mark & Steve respond to a very heart-felt submission from a betrayed partner, who asks some very hard questions about her relationship with a partner who is a porn/sex addict in recovery. Here's what she submitted to PBSE—

Hi Mark and Steve, I’m feeling a lot of apathy in my marriage and I don’t understand the point in staying. I’ve been with my husband for two years and married for less than six months. We have been separated for two weeks now because he has kept relapsing on porn. I have been previously married and initiated the divorce when I realized I was in a psychologically abusive marriage. My current husband has the pattern of—a [new disclosure day,] then a honeymoon period where he makes changes and has lots of epiphanies, and then within a couple of weeks he slides backwards and then he is shocked when he relapses again. This time around it looks like he is throwing himself into recovery: 12 step attendance, therapy, daily accountability partner, journaling, meeting with our religious leader. But I just don’t believe in any of it. I’m waiting for the cycle to repeat itself. I go to my own support groups and I listen to these sad women and the whole time I’m thinking, “why are we putting up with this? Why are we risking our well-being for the slim chance our addict spouses will change decades of ingrained behavior?” I want to leave. I know life goes on after divorce. I know I’ll be ok. Currently I stay because God has told me to give it more time. But I am not interested in being another woman whose spouse is still relapsing years later. Could you please tell us spouses what’s the point in staying? What is there to be gained for us?

-  In the Dare to Connect program, we are currently diving deep into what it means to get in-tune with one's authentic wants and needs in a relationship and how to set healthy boundaries around this authenticity.

-  Too often in our culture, it's not safe to express true wants and needs, or we're used to them not being consistently met anyway, so we naturally default to hopelessness, apathy and exhaustion.

-  How can betrayed partners peel back the layers on what they truly and authentically want and need at their deepest core--and HOW can they voice these and place healthy boundaries around them?

-  How can a betrayed partner use a "Pros & Cons" list to get raw and real in the decision about whether to stay or go—and how can she talk openly and vulnerably with her addict partner about this list?

-  For many betrayed partners, it IS authentic to keep having hope, being optimistic and keep seeing the good in their addict partners. But are there limits on this approach? When does it leave the realm of being "authentic"?

-  Why a betrayed partner should ALWAYS make life-altering decisions from a place of EMPOWERMENT and NEVER from a boxed-in place of helplessness.


Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

A PBSE listener sent in a very raw and vulnerable situation and question. Here's what she said—
 I've heard the term "sexual anorexia" and this describes [my husband] to a tee! I've been binging your podcast recently and it seems you guys are always talking about wives setting boundaries around not having sex until feeling safe, but I have the opposite issue. He never wants to have sex with me. He wants to be in a relationship but I don't think he sees me as a sexual person anymore.

He's always trying to stay busy. Work is always an issue. He avoids any romantic situations. He doesn't touch me other than a quick kisses and a hug here and there in the morning and at night. We get along great. Live together and work from home, but no connection, no intimacy and no sex. Literally like friends/roommates. I guess I just feel left out because I listen and it seems to be always the sex starved man and they don't want to be denied sex, but what about the opposite side of the spectrum? I'm going to address our boundaries and therapy again as a last resort.

This dear woman is right! There are more situations than people would think where it's the man in the relationship that is not interested in sex. In this episode, Mark and Steve address this very sensitive and often complex issue.

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

To learn more about HOW to overcome porn and sex addiction, check out this article—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction

The Problem—

- RECOVERY/HEALING NEVER WORKS IN A VACUUM!

- Isolation, in all of its forms, decreases safety, encourages avoidance, feeds addiction and trauma responses, and deepens the issues for both the addict and the spouse.

- For Addicts: you cannot put the load of your recovery on your spouse—it will hinder her healing.

- For Spouses: the source of your trauma CANNOT be the sole source of your healing. He can’t support you in some ways and to varying degrees, no matter how much you or he may want to!

The Solution—

- Involving others in the struggle creates a commonality; helps to normalize the situation; provides a needed empathetic and healing space to be with others who “get it”—BECAUSE VERY FEW PEOPLE WILL!

- A valuable resource for bouncing off ideas; venting negative emotions or toxicity; reducing reactivity; connecting with authenticity.

- A practice arena for how to navigate intimate relationship challenges.

In this episode, Mark and Steve also discuss HOW to build your support system. 

Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

To learn more about HOW to overcome porn and sex addiction, check out this article—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction

The Problem—

- Addicts: lack of skillset in connecting; inability to regulate emotional states; lacking insight/empathy into the reality of others; consumed by shame, which overrides other emotions; defaulting to dysfunctional past relationship patterns—“relationship ruts”

- Partners: Trauma inhibits the ability to be present to "hear," or to even trust their partner; tension often prevents addressing of difficult subjects; inability or lack of safety to vulnerably share true emotions “on the spot”.

A Solution:  The Couples Check-in—Couples Check-ins are the best possible environment for developing successful connection following betrayal outside of a therapeutic setting. Here, we practice every element of connection in a controlled environment, with advance notice and opportunities to prepare for it—eliminating variables that often lead to escalation. We have an opportunity to not just practice, but to set up and follow-up regarding couple's goals, to retool our approaches, to learn one another’s love languages, and to make amends where necessary.

In this episode, Mark and Steve talk about HOW to do a Couples Check-in; the RULES that should be followed for Check-ins to be authentic, vulnerable, collaborative and even healing; the SPECIFIC GOALS of a Couples "Check-in."

Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

To learn more about HOW to overcome porn and sex addiction, check out this article—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction

The problem— 

Addicts—tuned out; numbed out; in-denial; lack emotional “wholeness” skills; the opposite of mindfulness is the state of compulsion/addiction; truthful vs. hiding; open vs. isolated; confront vs. escape and avoid; resilient vs. fragile;  reality vs. fantasy; imposter vs. true/higher self

Partners—In survival mode; trying to make it thru the day; intrusive thoughts; difficulty trusting anyone, including themselves; their own internal “gut” is compromised; living reactively rather than proactively; defense mechanisms are compromising their authenticity, which then leads to self-betrayal.

An integral part of the solution:  Journaling—

- Forces us to slow down and examine before reacting

- Crucible for practicing self-examination, authenticity, vulnerability, accountability, etc.,  free from self-judgment and judgment from others.

- Preparation tool for connection (i.e., Couples Check-ins)

How?

- Unfiltered; for your eyes-only; no journaling for "posterity;" not rushed.

- A little bit each day is MUCH better than a lot once a week.

- Use the S.O.A.P. method to guide your journaling.


Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

To learn more about HOW to overcome porn and sex addiction, check out this article—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction

In this episode, Mark and Steve tackle a series of questions sent in by a PBSE listener. She and her partner are in good, solid recovery with a therapist and support groups. A major issue that has come up is her partner's long-standing "sexual fetish" which has ties to abuse he suffered as a child. The fetish is often triggered when he sees women in public. Here are the specific questions she has about this issue—

-  Is it ok to explore his fetish or could that keep him in his addiction and his struggles with lust?

-  If he is 're-creating' his childhood abuse via his fetish, could this be helpful or harmful to him?

-  He has a high sex drive. Would abstinence from sex for a while (he HATES this idea) help loosen his attachment to his fetish, and his relationship with lust, fantasy and objectification? I'm scared this fetish could bombard him with urges to watch porn or to fantasize about women in public.

In their raw and real style, Mark and Steve take these questions head-on!


Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

To learn more about HOW to overcome porn and sex addiction, check out this article—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction

In this episode Mark and Steve take on an issue that is more common than you might think. A PBSE listener wrote in about her partner who claims that "He no longer notices women because he's had a change of heart." Yet, his behaviors (some of them secret) appear to indicate otherwise.

Is it possible for a guy to no longer "notice" any other woman but his partner? Is this even the "right" question to ask? Where should the focus be in real, effective and lasting recovery and in healing betrayal trauma?

Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

To learn more about HOW to overcome porn and sex addiction, check out this article—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction

In this episode, Mark and Steve tackle a VERY important issue—examining the nuances and roots of addiction behaviors. This is in response to a PBSE listener's question—

"I recently discovered my husband hired a prostitute for himself while away on business. Since this discovery it’s come out that my husband was viewing porn and visiting massage parlors with regularity. My question, as we are only about a month into this process, is how do you know if your spouse has a sex addiction versus poor morals/lack of respect for the relationship? Our therapy team is calling these issues sex addiction but the people I trust most in my life question if his behaviors are truly addictive versus behavioral. I’m confused."

-  What this PBSE listener describes could definitely be evidence of addictive/compulsive behaviors. However, using their therapy team to consider some other additional reasons for the behaviors would be wise—Is it a single-causation issue, like addiction, or does it include other variables, including but not limited to—

- Lack of attachment skills or knowledge base.

- History of past dysfunctional/unhealthy relationships.

- Styles of attachment modeled by influential figures (male role models, attachment styles between parents, etc.).

- How long have these behaviors been going on? Does he have a history of various forms of acting out, or is this a new or rapid-onset problem?

- Are there any other pre-existing or co-occurring mental health conditions?

- Trauma is one of, if not THE most common root of addiction behaviors—how this plays a role is critical.

- In most cases, the case for addiction isn’t completely black and white, and even when it is, understanding it’s true roots, not just the behaviors, is the key to effective treatment.

Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

To learn more about HOW to overcome porn and sex addiction, check out this article—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction