Explore every episode of the podcast Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE
Dive into the complete episode list for Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE. Each episode is cataloged with detailed descriptions, making it easy to find and explore specific topics. Keep track of all episodes from your favorite podcast and never miss a moment of insightful content.
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My Porn Addicted Partner has ADHD. He Insists I MUST Manage His Recovery for Him to Succeed. Is This Right?
27 Aug 2024
00:37:37
In Episode 243, Mark & Steve address a very important issue submitted to PBSE by a listener who is the betrayed partner of a porn/sex addict. This question especially resonated with Mark as he himself, along with a number of his children and many of his extended family, have suffered with the challenges of mental illness and related diagnosed issues like ADHD. Here's the submission by a PBSE listener—
My husband and I have been friends for close to 20 years, in a relationship for 7 years, and married for 3. He has been addicted to pornography for most of his life, close to 40 years. I started to suspect something a couple weeks before we got married, and he finally confessed his addiction about 6 months later. We now both have CSATs that work together as a team and we have been seeing them for about 18 months. My husband has been doing fairly well, or so I thought, but I have just found out he has been in a relapse for a couple of months. I am of course hurt and angry that he would go back down this road after all the work, time, and money that has been invested in his recovery. He very much wants to get back on track, but feels that I need to take a much larger role in his recovery. I should mention that my husband is diagnosed with ADHD. For this reason alone, he feels he needs me to essentially manage his recovery. If he has homework, sit down and do it with him. Set up our weekly check ins and give him reminders about them. Follow up that he has made therapy appointments, continually check in with him that he is not using porn etc. I do not want to have to manage all this for him. He feels that If I truly care and support him, I will understand that because of his ADHD, this is what he needs in order to be successful. I do know that it is not the wife’s place to do this typically. Is there ever a time, for instance when ADHD is present, that this could be a healthy, successful approach to both partners' recovery. Thank you so much.
First of all, we have tremendous empathy for those challenged by ADHD.
This is NOT an episode about the intricacies of ADHD and how it relates to addiction and recovery. We covered this topic in a very basic sense in Episode 210. This episode is about what it means to be truly PROACTIVE and LEAD OUT in one’s own recovery.
Mental Illness and Addiction: One of the great challenges in our field is an issue of “What came first, the chicken or the egg?” Did mental illness, trauma, abuse and the like come first and lead to addiction or vice-versa? Mark can speak to this from personal experience . . .
What was HORRENDOUSLY HARD for Mark was honestly and vulnerably facing what it means to “own MY side of the street/MY recovery.” What does it mean to “LEAD OUT” and be PROACTIVE? How do you balance this with realities, limited capacities, self-compassion, etc.?
With mental illness, trauma, abuse and the like in the mix, there are more “moving parts” to recovery.
What IS a reasonable expectation for an individual with both challenges—addiction and mental illness/trauma/abuse? What are the EDUCATION, RESOURCES & TOOLS in today’s world?
Moving from “me” to “WE” and how to find the balance in the “addict’s side of the street” vs. the “partner’s side.”
What does true “collaboration” look like as a coupleship?
How does the betrayed partner of an addict balance her own self-care, betrayal trauma healing and boundaries in this whole process? How does she walk the delicate line of healthy support vs. enablement?
In this PBSE episode (#242), Mark & Steve respond to an incredibly vulnerable, painful submission by a PBSE listener. Her submission starts out with—
I was happy to have found your podcast after my partner’s reluctant disclosure last month. After experiencing what can only be described as one of the most intensely painful experiences of my life, I navigated my way to one of your episodes about betrayal trauma and it immediately eased my mind and provided me a much-needed sense of validation. I really thought my full mind and body breakdown was an unwarranted overreaction. A little bit of context before I ask my question . . .
She then describes how she was married for 8 years to an extremely abusive man who was addicted to drugs, alcohol and pornography. She finally had to end that relationship to protect herself and her children from further abuse and ongoing danger. Afters a number of years, she was courageous enough to "try again" and shares that she has been in a new relationship for the past 4 years with someone who has helped her understand what love truly is for the first time. He has been steadfast, reliable, kind and patient. From the outset, she made her stand on porn clear—that it has no place in a healthy relationship. He said that he had used it prior to their relationship, but had no need for it anymore. Then comes the bombshell that rocked her world! Here's how she describes it—
After returning from a three-day work conference last month, I sensed that he was less than eager to reconnect with me. I just had this intuitive, crushing feeling, so I asked him point blank if he had used pornography while I was away. He confessed, but very minimally, and he may have said more but I broke. Absolutely broke. I was flooded with despair. Not even a month after our marriage, I was faced with the terrible realization that I had made another huge mistake. That this was a complete stranger who had lied by omission countless times, and that I was once again in the position of being the “not good enough” wife. Despite his good intent and compassion, I wrestle with these and many more tormenting thoughts daily. I feel like life has pretty much stayed the same for him, while my whole world has been ripped apart. My question is this - he said that he has never liked this “need” within him, and that I could never understand because I am not a man. If this “need” is in every man, is there even a point in any woman EVER expecting their partner to be 100% faithful to them, spiritually, mentally, and physically? If my husband, an upstanding, moral, and loving individual, could betray me in this way and then chalk it up to the “essence” of man, then it doesn’t leave me with much (in fact, ANY) hope that I will ever be worth fidelity from him or anyone else. I would truly rather be on my own than deal with the incessant and intrusive thought that he will be forever seeking sexual gratification outside of our union. Your words and wisdom would be truly appreciated. Sincerely, One jaded, exhausted, and heartbroken wife. In this episode, Mark & Steve speak from the heart to this blindsided and deeply betrayed partner. They help her understand her completely legitimate trauma and the flood of emotions she is experiencing. They talk about "his side of the street" with regard to her addict partner and what he can do going forward IF this relationship is to be saved. They also offer some insights and guidance to this betrayed partner and speak specifically to HOW she can STEP INTO HER POWER moving forward!
What’s the Point in Staying with a Porn/Sex Addict? What’s in it for the Betrayed Partner?
18 Jun 2024
00:32:37
In Episode 233, Mark & Steve respond to a very heart-felt submission from a betrayed partner, who asks some very hard questions about her relationship with a partner who is a porn/sex addict in recovery. Here's what she submitted to PBSE—
Hi Mark and Steve, I’m feeling a lot of apathy in my marriage and I don’t understand the point in staying. I’ve been with my husband for two years and married for less than six months. We have been separated for two weeks now because he has kept relapsing on porn. I have been previously married and initiated the divorce when I realized I was in a psychologically abusive marriage. My current husband has the pattern of—a [new disclosure day,] then a honeymoon period where he makes changes and has lots of epiphanies, and then within a couple of weeks he slides backwards and then he is shocked when he relapses again. This time around it looks like he is throwing himself into recovery: 12 step attendance, therapy, daily accountability partner, journaling, meeting with our religious leader. But I just don’t believe in any of it. I’m waiting for the cycle to repeat itself. I go to my own support groups and I listen to these sad women and the whole time I’m thinking, “why are we putting up with this? Why are we risking our well-being for the slim chance our addict spouses will change decades of ingrained behavior?” I want to leave. I know life goes on after divorce. I know I’ll be ok. Currently I stay because God has told me to give it more time. But I am not interested in being another woman whose spouse is still relapsing years later. Could you please tell us spouses what’s the point in staying? What is there to be gained for us?
- In the Dare to Connect program, we are currently diving deep into what it means to get in-tune with one's authentic wants and needs in a relationship and how to set healthy boundaries around this authenticity.
- Too often in our culture, it's not safe to express true wants and needs, or we're used to them not being consistently met anyway, so we naturally default to hopelessness, apathy and exhaustion.
- How can betrayed partners peel back the layers on what they truly and authentically want and need at their deepest core--and HOW can they voice these and place healthy boundaries around them?
- How can a betrayed partner use a "Pros & Cons" list to get raw and real in the decision about whether to stay or go—and how can she talk openly and vulnerably with her addict partner about this list?
- For many betrayed partners, it IS authentic to keep having hope, being optimistic and keep seeing the good in their addict partners. But are there limits on this approach? When does it leave the realm of being "authentic"?
- Why a betrayed partner should ALWAYS make life-altering decisions from a place of EMPOWERMENT and NEVER from a boxed-in place of helplessness.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com
My Husband Acts “Sexually Anorexic”—What Can I Do?!
27 Sep 2022
00:25:45
A PBSE listener sent in a very raw and vulnerable situation and question. Here's what she said— I've heard the term "sexual anorexia" and this describes [my husband] to a tee! I've been binging your podcast recently and it seems you guys are always talking about wives setting boundaries around not having sex until feeling safe, but I have the opposite issue. He never wants to have sex with me. He wants to be in a relationship but I don't think he sees me as a sexual person anymore.
He's always trying to stay busy. Work is always an issue. He avoids any romantic situations. He doesn't touch me other than a quick kisses and a hug here and there in the morning and at night. We get along great. Live together and work from home, but no connection, no intimacy and no sex. Literally like friends/roommates. I guess I just feel left out because I listen and it seems to be always the sex starved man and they don't want to be denied sex, but what about the opposite side of the spectrum? I'm going to address our boundaries and therapy again as a last resort.
This dear woman is right! There are more situations than people would think where it's the man in the relationship that is not interested in sex. In this episode, Mark and Steve address this very sensitive and often complex issue.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
Basic Recovery/Healing Tools, Part Three: Building Your Support System
20 Sep 2022
00:27:32
The Problem—
- RECOVERY/HEALING NEVER WORKS IN A VACUUM!
- Isolation, in all of its forms, decreases safety, encourages avoidance, feeds addiction and trauma responses, and deepens the issues for both the addict and the spouse.
- For Addicts: you cannot put the load of your recovery on your spouse—it will hinder her healing.
- For Spouses: the source of your trauma CANNOT be the sole source of your healing. He can’t support you in some ways and to varying degrees, no matter how much you or he may want to!
The Solution—
- Involving others in the struggle creates a commonality; helps to normalize the situation; provides a needed empathetic and healing space to be with others who “get it”—BECAUSE VERY FEW PEOPLE WILL!
- A valuable resource for bouncing off ideas; venting negative emotions or toxicity; reducing reactivity; connecting with authenticity.
- A practice arena for how to navigate intimate relationship challenges.
In this episode, Mark and Steve also discuss HOW to build your support system.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
Basic Recovery/Healing Tools, Part Two: The Couples Check-in
13 Sep 2022
00:27:38
The Problem—
- Addicts: lack of skillset in connecting; inability to regulate emotional states; lacking insight/empathy into the reality of others; consumed by shame, which overrides other emotions; defaulting to dysfunctional past relationship patterns—“relationship ruts”
- Partners: Trauma inhibits the ability to be present to "hear," or to even trust their partner; tension often prevents addressing of difficult subjects; inability or lack of safety to vulnerably share true emotions “on the spot”.
A Solution: The Couples Check-in—Couples Check-ins are the best possible environment for developing successful connection following betrayal outside of a therapeutic setting. Here, we practice every element of connection in a controlled environment, with advance notice and opportunities to prepare for it—eliminating variables that often lead to escalation. We have an opportunity to not just practice, but to set up and follow-up regarding couple's goals, to retool our approaches, to learn one another’s love languages, and to make amends where necessary.
In this episode, Mark and Steve talk about HOW to do a Couples Check-in; the RULES that should be followed for Check-ins to be authentic, vulnerable, collaborative and even healing; the SPECIFIC GOALS of a Couples "Check-in."
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
Basic Recovery/Healing Tools, Part One: The Power of Journaling
06 Sep 2022
00:25:12
The problem—
Addicts—tuned out; numbed out; in-denial; lack emotional “wholeness” skills; the opposite of mindfulness is the state of compulsion/addiction; truthful vs. hiding; open vs. isolated; confront vs. escape and avoid; resilient vs. fragile; reality vs. fantasy; imposter vs. true/higher self
Partners—In survival mode; trying to make it thru the day; intrusive thoughts; difficulty trusting anyone, including themselves; their own internal “gut” is compromised; living reactively rather than proactively; defense mechanisms are compromising their authenticity, which then leads to self-betrayal.
An integral part of the solution: Journaling—
- Forces us to slow down and examine before reacting
- Crucible for practicing self-examination, authenticity, vulnerability, accountability, etc., free from self-judgment and judgment from others.
- Preparation tool for connection (i.e., Couples Check-ins)
How?
- Unfiltered; for your eyes-only; no journaling for "posterity;" not rushed.
- A little bit each day is MUCH better than a lot once a week.
- Use the S.O.A.P. method to guide your journaling.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
In this episode, Mark and Steve tackle a series of questions sent in by a PBSE listener. She and her partner are in good, solid recovery with a therapist and support groups. A major issue that has come up is her partner's long-standing "sexual fetish" which has ties to abuse he suffered as a child. The fetish is often triggered when he sees women in public. Here are the specific questions she has about this issue—
- Is it ok to explore his fetish or could that keep him in his addiction and his struggles with lust?
- If he is 're-creating' his childhood abuse via his fetish, could this be helpful or harmful to him?
- He has a high sex drive. Would abstinence from sex for a while (he HATES this idea) help loosen his attachment to his fetish, and his relationship with lust, fantasy and objectification? I'm scared this fetish could bombard him with urges to watch porn or to fantasize about women in public.
In their raw and real style, Mark and Steve take these questions head-on!
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
My Partner Claims He “No longer notices women.” Is that possible?
23 Aug 2022
00:21:27
In this episode Mark and Steve take on an issue that is more common than you might think. A PBSE listener wrote in about her partner who claims that "He no longer notices women because he's had a change of heart." Yet, his behaviors (some of them secret) appear to indicate otherwise.
Is it possible for a guy to no longer "notice" any other woman but his partner? Is this even the "right" question to ask? Where should the focus be in real, effective and lasting recovery and in healing betrayal trauma?
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
Is It Simply "Sex Addiction," or Something More?—Examining the Nuances & Roots of Addiction Behaviors.
16 Aug 2022
00:27:39
In this episode, Mark and Steve tackle a VERY important issue—examining the nuances and roots of addiction behaviors. This is in response to a PBSE listener's question—
"I recently discovered my husband hired a prostitute for himself while away on business. Since this discovery it’s come out that my husband was viewing porn and visiting massage parlors with regularity. My question, as we are only about a month into this process, is how do you know if your spouse has a sex addiction versus poor morals/lack of respect for the relationship? Our therapy team is calling these issues sex addiction but the people I trust most in my life question if his behaviors are truly addictive versus behavioral. I’m confused."
- What this PBSE listener describes could definitely be evidence of addictive/compulsive behaviors. However, using their therapy team to consider some other additional reasons for the behaviors would be wise—Is it a single-causation issue, like addiction, or does it include other variables, including but not limited to—
- Lack of attachment skills or knowledge base.
- History of past dysfunctional/unhealthy relationships.
- Styles of attachment modeled by influential figures (male role models, attachment styles between parents, etc.).
- How long have these behaviors been going on? Does he have a history of various forms of acting out, or is this a new or rapid-onset problem?
- Are there any other pre-existing or co-occurring mental health conditions?
- Trauma is one of, if not THE most common root of addiction behaviors—how this plays a role is critical.
- In most cases, the case for addiction isn’t completely black and white, and even when it is, understanding it’s true roots, not just the behaviors, is the key to effective treatment.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
How do “Family of Origin” Issues Impact your Addiction, Recovery and Marriage Relationship?
09 Aug 2022
00:23:11
In response to a PBSE Listener's situation and question, Mark and Steve share some raw and real thoughts and feelings from their own "families of origin." Here an excerpt from what the PBSE listener sent in—
Mark & Steve,It’s been an absolute blessing to have discovered your podcast. My spouse and I listen regularly. To be blunt, Mark, he has said he relates so much with you in particular when it comes to mindset & behaviors of his addiction. And like Steve, he too lost his father too soon, as a teenager (of which he said he was emotionless when it happened. No tears. Just nothing… indifference, despite how much he loved his Dad.)
I’m not ignorant to the contribution of my past & family of origin has added to our dynamic. I’m an adult child of a substance use addicted mother and a sex, porn and love addicted father who struggles with narcissistic personality disorder. However, betrayal trauma and being the spouse of a porn & sex addict has been the worst pain I’ve ever felt. It’s been a slow, dwindling over 3 years and I can’t help but recognize how my grace and stability in values have been taken advantage of….
How has family of origin played a role in your dynamics with your spouses, if at all? Thanks for all you guys are doing. You’ve set the bar high in my hopes for my spouses recovery.
- Mark and Steve share specific traumas from their childhoods and HOW these "family of origin issues" directly impacted their addictions, recoveries and marriage relationships.
- Remember that "brain wiring" from your family-of-origin experiences is EXTREMELY dominant and will be your "default" in times of stress, especially during marriage difficulties. To grow and evolve "through" this wiring to create "new wiring" you MUST do your PERSONAL recovery and healing work!
- Please know that this "rewiring process" will take time, patience and consistent effort. Hang in there with yourself and your marriage while this process and evolution unfolds.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
Now that my partner is in recovery, what should our “sexual norms” look like as a Couple?
02 Aug 2022
00:25:30
In this episode, Mark and Steve respond to a scenario and question from a PBSE listener—
"Since my husband and I have gotten into recovery I struggle with still feeling like we are supposed to be having sex every three days or my husband will fall and it will be my fault. I still struggle with his decreased libido now that he isn't hyper-sexualize and can't help but feel triggered that he must be acting out, I'm ugly or there is something wrong with me. I can confidently say he is in good recovery and he is not echoing the things I am feeling.
So how do I come to terms with this healthier sexual norm? How do I move through feeling like I wasted my sexual "prime" and now have to be ok with sex once or twice every two weeks? We both enjoy sex together but with work, kids, responsibilities it's hard for us to get good connection time in that can open the door for healthy physical intimacy."
Mark and Steve take this topic HEAD ON, including the VERY important principle of "engaging in holistic intimacy which can then lead to sex, vs. using sex as the way to attain healthy intimacy."
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
It’s Been a Long Time Since I Looked at Porn–Am I Cured? Do I Still Need “Recovery Work”?
26 Jul 2022
00:28:26
A PBSE listener writes in about her spouse who has been porn-free for over ten years. Yet, there are still many areas of his personal life and their relationship where there is room for growth and improvement. In this episode, Mark and Steve talk about how "recovery" is about a WHOLE LOT MORE than just being "sober."
When one gets into recovery, IF he or she can catch the full "vision" it is truly AMAZING the many ways personal lives and relationships can evolve into something never imagined possible! Mark and Steve talk real about how this has been true for each of them and their clients over the years.
What ARE the KEY INDICATORS that someone is in "real" recovery?
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
The PBSE/Dare to Connect Approach vs 12-Step Support Groups
11 Jun 2024
00:33:02
In PBSE Episode 232, Mark & Steve respond to a listener's experience and questions with regard to the approach to Betrayal Trauma healing that PBSE and Dare to Connect take, vs. the experience in 12-Step groups. Here's what the partner of a porn/sex addict submitted to PBSE—
Is it me or are the approaches of partner-oriented 12-step fellowships the opposite of the recovery approach taken in PBSE podcasts? The podcasts are all about connection and boundaries. The partner’s 12-step fellowship I attend feels all about ignoring your partner's actions and not letting his actions hurt you. And doing what makes you happy? So it’s about disconnection…. Right? Why is it that they (12-Step groups) are popular on both reddit and your podcasts? Am I seeing this wrong?? Or is there something about those 12 step fellowships that I don’t understand??
On the surface, the approach in PBSE/Dare to Connect vs. 12-Step for partners, can in some ways seem very different. However, they actually are the same fundamental approach, but from two different directions!
Here are essentially the two questions/observations about 12-Step, presented by this betrayed partner—
“It’s all about ignoring your partner’s actions… right?”
- NO! It’s about SURRENDERING your partner’s actions, focusing on yourself (including your trauma & pain) and what you CAN control, which is boundaries built first around your own safety, needs and wants, and then incorporated properly into a committed relationship. This allows for personal healing and the most optimal functioning of the relationship. As recovery and healing progress, a partner uses healthy boundaries to create safety and expectations for what is needed for the rebuilding of trust and moving toward deeper connection.
“It’s all about disconnection…. Right?”
- It's about establishing and holding boundaries around the needs of the self FIRST and learning how to fill your own bucket in healthy ways.
- Depending on how early one is in healing and recovery/how deep the enmeshment trends run in each individual/in the relationship, MAINTAINING LONG-TERM HEALTHY CONNECTION SOMETIMES MEANS SHORT-TERM DISCONNECTION.
- Once personal healing, healthy boundary setting & holding, and healthy sovereignty/independence are happening in a sustainable way, it allows us to authentically connect with those in the world around us, INCLUDING our addict partners.
- Mark and his partner, and Steve and his partner have the best marriages they've ever had, BECAUSE they don’t "need" each other (aren't "needy") the way that they used to. They each work to stand emotionally on their own two feet, and support each other wherever and whenever they can, WITHOUT taking ownership of the other person’s “stuff."
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com
Would my Spouse Still be an Addict if He had Married Someone Else?
19 Jul 2022
00:28:16
In this episode, Mark and Steve speak from the heart to a PBSE listener whose addict spouse passed away and now she finds herself wrestling with some horrific "what-ifs." Here's the honest and courageous message she sent to Mark and Steve—
Would this have happened if my spouse had married someone else?—Three years ago my marriage And my life as I knew it imploded upon learning that my husband of 21 years had been living a double life of lies, infidelity, and addiction for our entire relationship. I Began intense therapy for betrayal trauma in 2019 and in the two years that followed we struggled with couples recovery and my husband struggled with his own recovery which included AA in addition to his sexual acting out with both women and men. One of the things that my therapist tried to help me see early on is that my husband would have walked his path no matter who he married….. that it didn’t matter what kind of partner I was or how good or bad our marriage was that he would have acted in the same manner regardless of who he was with. Sadly my husband lost his battle with alcohol last year. Now I am left with a million questions about how we ended up where we did. Did he ever truly love me? What did I do to contribute to the breakdown of our marriage and his death? Is there really nothing f I could have done or said to help him or prevent his going outside our marriage for sexual gratification? And so many more. I struggle to except what my therapist tells me…that my husband‘s behavior was a reflection not on me or our marriage but solely on him. I have been listening to your podcast since my husband passed and in addition to a tremendous amount of education it has helped me see what real recovery could have looked like for my husband had he been able to get there…. it helps me to know that what I thought recovery could be, although not easy, was not unrealistic. I would love your perspectives as clinicians and recovering addicts on the question that I can’t seem to get some closure on and that is— “Would this have happened no matter who he married or what kind of marriage he had.?" Thank you for reading and for the wonderful content you bring to this community.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
What if my Addict Partner DEMANDS Sex so He can Stay Sober?
12 Jul 2022
00:22:30
In this episode, Mark and Steve directly address a spouse's extremely difficult situation. Here's a small excerpt from the message she sent to PBSE—
He has been an off and on again porn user through the years, and currently claims he is not using it. Since he has given it up, the demand for sex is nearly daily with clear expectations that “sex must happen every other day” or he will relapse and it will be my fault.
- Attempting to transfer ownership of sobriety to a partner.
- Using threats of acting out or other emotional outbursts if "his needs" are not met.
- The challenge with a partner not being willing or able to set and hold clear boundaries.
- How a partner can "lose her voice" in the relationship.
- Why the phrase "sex is optional" is crucial to true, holistic intimacy and connection in a relationship.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
How “Sex” can be used as an “Intimacy Substitute.”
05 Jul 2022
00:22:21
In this episode, Mark and Steve speak directly to a PBSE listener's in-depth question about sex being used as a substitute for true intimacy—
"I love your podcast. I'd love to make a podcast topic request, if you're able . . .
"Question: Can sex be used as an intimacy substitute? My husband wants lots of sex and cuddling, but then either avoids or only goes "into the shallow end" regarding the other areas of relational intimacy. I wonder if he has been using sex to try to fill an emotional hole that's been there since before I came along...to "feel" intimacy in a fun easy way that doesn't involve the risks that come from the other crucial areas of relational intimacy. He says he wants intimacy, but I think he doesn't understand what intimacy truly is."
"He says he wants intimacy and that he wants lots of sex because he's a sexual person (physical touch is his primary love language). It seems like having sex is the "easy" way for him to experience closeness and "feel" intimacy without actually having to engage in true deep intimacy. He also avoids conflict and confrontation. He hasn't wanted to talk about his past. When things get tough or too deep, he shuts down and retreats. I don't want him to believe this is what intimacy is."
"I believe he truly wants intimacy, but he fears it at the same time. Personally, I think he believes lots of affection and sex is the core/foundation of intimacy and will fill that bucket for him...and I also think he subconsciously relies on sex and affection to fill that bucket because that's less risky and its an easy quick way to "feel" intimacy. Plus that, I think it's been a coping mechanism because he was promiscuous in teen and adulthood before marriage...I think he used sex to cope or fill the hole of rejection and abandonment from an abusive home (to feel validated, accepted, wanted, connected to someone). I'm no expert though."
Mark and Steve try to tackle this HUGE topic and address this listener's situation and questions—
- What is “Intimacy”
- When is “sex” intimate and NOT intimate? When is it connecting and disconnecting?
- HOW can sex easily become a substitute or escape from true, vulnerable, holistic intimacy with SELF and a PARTNER?
- HOW can we begin moving sex into the place of true intimacy?
- HOW can we recognize the “intimacy issues” we’re avoiding through sex and start addressing them head on?
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
Recovery and Healing ARE Possible—Here's HOW to be Successful!
28 Jun 2022
00:26:33
Porn/sex addiction recovery and healing from betrayal trauma can be SO confusing, frustrating and even come to the place of hopelessness!
In this episode Mark and Steve give you a view into their own recovery and healing journeys as well as their experiences as therapists. Learn what it takes to succeed in your recovery and healing efforts. Find hope that as a couple you absolutely can come together and be better than ever!
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
The “Abuse Cycle” Par Two—The Impact of Abuse on Betrayal Trauma and Healing
21 Jun 2022
00:31:13
In Episode 127, Mark and Steve addressed the "Abuse Cycle" and its effects on addicts in recovery. In this episode, they talk directly to the partners of addicts. How does the Abuse Cycle impact partners suffering from Betrayal Trauma and their healing process?
Factors to be aware of regarding the Abuse Cycle—
- Abuse from prior romantic/non-romantic relationships including childhood. This can include abuse that is often "discounted" such as a history of neglect, dysfunctional family systems, gaslighting, etc.) This trauma history establishes "relationship rules" which impact abuse in a current relationship.
- "Cultural traditions" have an impact on current abuse cycles—being a "caretaker;" going along to get along to keep family members/spouse stable and happy; "patriarchy" issues, etc.
- Trauma creates "echoes" that travel from one relationship to the next. Current trauma can be "amplified" based on past experiences and can create increased pain, aversion and responses due to past intensity and frequency.
- What happens when trauma becomes your "expert" or your "obstacle"?
- Why a support system outside the abusive relationship is SO critical to healing!
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
The “Abuse Cycle” Part One—The Impact of Abuse on Addiction
14 Jun 2022
00:28:28
In this episode, Mark shares his own story of abuse as a child to illustrate how the "abuse cycle" is often directly related to addiction.
- The "Abuse Cycle"— 1) Tension Builds 2) the "Incident" 3) Reconciliation 4) the "Calm"
- The Abuse Cycle is NOT an excuse for addiction but a VERY CRUCIAL EXPLANATION!
- Remember that "abuse" is in the eye of the beholder: what seems "minor" to one may be "deeply traumatic" to another.
- Understanding an abusive history doesn't "fix" the pain or the addiction, but it is a critical "doorway" to healing and recovery.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
My Addict Partner of 33 Years is Out of Control and I Don’t Know Where to Start!
07 Jun 2022
00:27:23
This heart-felt description, question and request comes from a PBSE listener—
I’m a wife of 33yrs in betrayal trauma after finding husband on multiple times has had on and off affairs over 8 yrs with the same person and now found he is using drugs. Multiple addictions. I would like to set boundaries but I’m not part of his addictions as he does not turn to me. No sexual relationship in 2yrs between us. Can you talk about escalation of addiction. He started with weed then alcohol then porn then affair and now meth. What boundaries can I set?
- What does "escalation" of addiction look like—"cross-addiction" and "co-addiction"
- Mark shares his personal story about learning to have "no voice," going-along-to-get-along and being a "doormat."
- In a relationship, EVERYONE is entitled to some basic decencies and courtesies—being chosen and fought for; being pursued, looked out for; feeling safe and empathized with; having an equal voice . . .
- What does it mean to truly "love" and "be loved"?
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
How to Surrender Control of an Addict’s Behaviors while Maintaining Boundaries and Accountability.
31 May 2022
00:28:17
It's very normal for a betrayed spouse to seek to be safe and avoid being "blindsided" by more betrayal, by trying to "control" the addict spouse's recovery. Here's how a PBSE listener describes this challenge—
My addict is coming up on 2 years of sobriety and 5th D-Day. I am in therapy and he has been in therapy off and on, changing therapists a few times and seeing them maybe twice a month. He was going to multiple SA meetings a week, even leading some. Now he goes a few times a month. In the early days of our recovery, things were good, he was a different, more accountable person who understood the damage he caused. I chose to stay because I saw a change in him. Now, I see him falling back into old patterns, not committing to his recovery and consequently I have fallen back into a lack of trust, fear, and always worrying about how he will behave in certain social and family situations. His character defects are coming through again. How do I communicate my concerns to him when I know his recovery is his and his alone? The slide backward is so upsetting and gaining momentum in my eyes.
In this episode, Mark and Steve share HOW to surrender control over an addicts spouse's behaviors while STILL maintaining healthy boundaries and accountability.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
“To Masturbate or Not to Masturbate?” that is the question!
24 May 2022
00:29:21
Masturbation is an extremely controversial topic these days; one that elicits a lot of heated debate. This is especially true when an addict spouse engages in masturbation alone and separate from his spouse. Here's what one PBSE listener had to say about this—
Hello Mark and Steve- I want to say thank you so much for your weekly podcasts. I am a former client of Steve’s, and I still listen to the podcasts weekly. I am so grateful to you both, for your conversations. I listed to your most recent episode, #123, and at the end of it you mentioned the topic of masturbation. I’d love to hear your thoughts on it, as it relates to porn addiction or attachment, and the dynamic that all of this involves. My partner believes that masturbation is natural and something all men do on a regular basis. That there is nothing unhealthy or damaging about it. I believe there can be balance in all things, except when there is porn addiction or serious attachment to porn, involved. My partner has admitted that it is very hard for him not to watch and/or masturbate, but he only needs help in blocking apps, etc. I’d love your thoughts on this. Thank you so much.
- We are NOT here to talk about masturbation from a moral or religious perspective. We invite PBSE listeners to address this aspect from their own tradition and perspective.
- Masturbation activates the body's most power "biological reward system"— HOW can this become an unhealthy "crutch/form of self-medication"?
- Masturbation and the "biology of connection"—climax can "weld" you to fantasy or reality; to self-sex and solo-connection or to a deep, "we" connection—"I" vs. "Us"—which one do you desire most?
- What you repetitively "connect to" builds a "pattern of connection." What you "attach to" in the fantasy world "detaches" you from the real world. A partner CANNOT compete with a diverse fantasy world that is consistently rewarded and reinforced by sexual climax.
- How masturbation coupled with fantasy can trigger the brain's "habituation mechanism" and become "insatiable." A "holistic" love and connection in a committed relationship does NOT follow this path nor create this "trap."
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
It’s NOT an Addiction if I’m Only Using “Porn Substitutes”—Right???
17 May 2022
00:30:38
There's a lot of heated debate out there about "what is pornographic" and "what is not." Too often in these arguments, the REAL ISSUES can get pushed aside. Recently, a PBSE listener and spouse, submitted the following with regard to her partner's use of "porn substitutes"—
Just over a month ago, around 2 months into his latest recovery, I noticed my partner watching videos on YouTube that are porn substitutes (eg clickbait 'funny' videos with suggestive thumbnails, videos of women filming themselves wearing short dresses on windy days, Benny Hill videos containing Benny Hill type 'humor' of women being caught in "naughty" situations and other such videos designed to give a "kick". . . . . . . . I'm so so sorry for the long email but I'm feeling so low. I know in yesterday's podcast you mentioned that you've been answering listeners questions for so long - but I would be extremely grateful if you could do an episode on porn substitutes and what problems they carry - my partner still does listen to the podcast from time to time and I think hearing directly on this particular subject from someone other than me might help.
In this episode, Mark and Steve tackle the controversial topic of "porn substitutes"—are they OK in a relationship or not? Do they qualify as part of an "addiction" or are they simply a harmless pastime? It all comes down to the viewers true INTENTION and the IMPACT that viewing "porn substitutes" has on CONNECTION and INTIMACY in a relationship, as well as on the "maturation process" and development of the viewer.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
Because He’s a Sex Addict—even in Real Recovery—I will still Never Be Enough For Him! How do I Cope with That?!
04 Jun 2024
00:32:28
Episode 231 comes in response to a very raw and real submission by a PBSE listener who is the partner of a sex addict. Here's what she vulnerably expressed—
I’m the partner of a sex/porn addict who has a 3-4 year history of lying about being in “recovery.” Even to sponsors, men groups & therapists. My experience has always been my discovery, never his disclosure, and death by a thousand cuts over the years. He states he is now “taking his recovery seriously.” That’s to be seen. I’m not writing on what to do about him. I’m writing to understand and get closure for myself from an addiction perspective since it has consistently been denied me. When in active addiction or in actual recovery, is it true to believe that sexually and aesthetically I will always be “the lesser thing” or major effort will be required on his part to simply desire me in a way that so many other women are/have been desirable to him? I’ve watched him put tons of effort and protection around his efforts to desire other women. But when it comes to me, there’s absolutely nothing there. No pursuit, no flirting, no dates, no chivalry, no sex, and no love. He acts bored, uninterested and even bothered by my presence. He calls this "being sober." I call it being more than alone and it's led me to consider ACTUALLY being alone rather than suffering while waiting for something that seemingly is never coming. My mental health is demanding I get away from this with urgency. I’ve wanted my family to stay together but not at the detriment of my own health. He’s obviously more interested in other women and my concern is that since I’ve already been determined as “less than” to him, I will never be enough and what he truly desires—even if he does get into real, active recovery.
In this episode, Mark & Steve get raw and real about how to approach this situation form the aspect of a partner that is AUTHENTIC, EMPOWERED, and BOUNDARIED!
How does the partner of a sex/porn addict get in touch with her true, authentic WANTS and NEEDS? What can easily derail this process? What are the obstacles that prevent a partner from fully engaging in the process of determining and expressing these wants and needs?
Why are these wants and needs critical when making life-altering decisions about a relationship?
Why are BOUNDARIES the GRAND KEY to getting wants and needs met OR deciding to move on?
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com
How Mark & Steve moved from “Defensiveness” to “Fighting for their Marriages”—Part Three—The Conclusion!
10 May 2022
00:24:39
This is Part Three—the concluding episode on "How Mark and Steve moved from defensiveness to fighting for their marriages. In this episode, Mark and Steve talk raw and real to addicts in recovery about—HANGING BACK vs. LEADING OUT.
- When an addict in recovery "hangs back" in the marriage, what does that look like? - Checking-the-boxes attitude or "it wasn't on the list." - Waiting for a spouse to apply pressure before taking action; doing the mandatory/minimum - Going into "mopey/victim mode" - 50/50 attitude—all about percentages and fairness
- What kind of mindset/attitude does it take to move from hanging back to LEADING OUT?
- How SPECIFICALLY can an addict spouse in recovery LEAD OUT?
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
How Mark & Steve moved from “Defensiveness” to “Fighting for their Marriages”—Part Two
03 May 2022
00:26:05
In "Part Two," Mark and Steve address a VERY difficult situation for recovery addicts and their spouses—HOW to navigate people and places that are "triggering" (for both the addict and the spouse)—
- A review of the people, situations and locations that can be triggering for both spouses.
- How an addict in recovery can use "grounding techniques" to successfully navigate through triggers.
- How to prepare for triggering situations IN ADVANCE.
- How to "get ahead" of triggers as opposed to being blindsided by them.
- How to "debrief" and "recap" as a couple AFTER triggering situations.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
How Mark & Steve moved from “Defensiveness” to “Fighting for their Marriages"—Part One
26 Apr 2022
00:26:17
One of the greatest challenges we face as sex/porn addicts in recovery is becoming "defensive" when our partners offer feedback, speak their truth, stand their ground, face triggering people or places, etc. We easily go into fight, flight or freeze and DEFEND ourselves as opposed to "fighting for our marriage"!
In "Part One," Mark and Steve share their personal experiences with specifically HOW to go from defensiveness to FIGHTING for their marriages when it comes to—"My spouse is speaking her truth and offering feedback"—how do I handle this in a healthy and connecting way???"
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
How Long Should I Be “Sober” Before I Start Dating or Having Sex Again?
19 Apr 2022
00:23:53
This PBSE episode is directed at single listeners and those already in a relationship. A PBSE listener who is single sent in the following quesiton—
Hi there! I'm so grateful for your podcast- just found it last week on and feel I've already gained a lot. Here's something I'd love love love if y'all could address: For us single guys (and girls), at what point in recovery can we/ should be/ may we start dating? I know in 12 step circles, many suggest a year of sobriety before dating. In your experience, does that ring true and, either way, how can we internally assess our readiness to date in light of our history with porn/ lust addiction. Thanks so much and may G-d grant you continued success in helping others.
- There's a saying in sex addiction recovery circles—"If you feel you're ready for a relationship, start with a plant!"
- Ask yourself, "Where am I in my "co-dependence" on sex?" "Is sex in any way a method for emotional avoidance or escape?" "Am I still using sex as a way to "self-medicate" and avoid "whole intimacy"?
- How can you expect to figure out "We" (sex) before you have figured out "Me"?
- Contrary to popular culture, sex is NOT the place to start an intimate relationship. It is so emotionally and biologically "intense" that it easily overrides critical "intimacy development."
- Healthy relationships require a "balanced building." Premature sex and/or a narrowed focus on sex can skew the relationship and make it lopsided.
- A BIG test as to whether a porn/sex addict is truly on a solid recovery track is his or her willingness and wisdom to "slow down" the push toward sex and develop true, holistic intimacy one-layer-at-a-time.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
In this episode, Mark and Steve respond to a PBSE listener's question about her struggles with her partner lusting after a co-worker—
Hello Mark & Steve, My partner and I are currently in reconciliation from sex addiction and we are in our 4th month of monthly couples sessions as well as I recently started individual sessions. We really like our sex specialist, but he tells me to not pay attention to [my partner's] "lusting" and to get out of his head when it comes to the lusting as well. My question is: My partner had betrayed me by lusting and acting out with images and thoughts of his coworker. How do I ignore the lusting, as that was one of my main questions to gauge how he is doing by asking him, and it is now one of my boundaries—I don't think he is working on this area, as he still lusts after her week after week and it is tearing me up inside.
- Relationships are consensual—you have the right to expect fidelity, trust and safety—AND to define what these terms mean for YOU.
- You also get to decide on the definition of "exclusivity" and the specific boundaries attached to it—what do you want this to look like in your relationship?
- In a truly connected relationship, each partner must have an "equal voice."
- Transparency/authenticity on the part of both parties is essential to THRIVE as a couple—this includes behaviors and expectations.
- Be mindful of the influence that your life history can have on this process: being raised in a heavily sexualized culture; your family of origin; interactions with peers; rigid religiosity; trauma and abuse; etc.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
Are you Sick & Tired of Relapsing? Then it’s time to “Be Stubborn”and “Get An Attitude”!!!
05 Apr 2022
00:35:24
Are you trying to break free from porn viewing and/or other unwanted sexual behaviors, but you just keep falling back into it?!
In this episode, Mark and Steve get real about their own struggles to attain lasting sobriety–what does it really take? How exactly do you get to that “permanent place of sobriety”? You may be surprised by the answer.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
How can I KNOW when my Partner has finally Stopped Lying and is Serious About His Recovery?
29 Mar 2022
00:29:57
In this episode, Mark and Steve answer a spouse's questions about her addict husband and how she will KNOW that he is serious about recovery and no longer lying—
My husband is in early recovery for his sex addiction which he has kept very well-hidden for years. We had our most recent D-Day’s 6 months ago at which time he swore that I knew everything and he was working on changing.. I was seeing a CSAT for betrayal trauma and he was seeing a therapist who specialized in “relationship issues and infidelity” (not my choice). Then I discovered 2 months ago that he was still acting out the entire time and his addiction actually ran much deeper than I originally thought. He has finally accepted that he’s a sex addict after listening to SA meeting tapes and has started seeing a CSAT. My question is- how long until I see any real concrete change in his behaviors? I have over 10 years clean in a 12 step fellowship myself and I understand recovery doesn’t happen overnight, but he is still only “checking boxes” and not going above and beyond as I guess I expect him to in order to save our marriage. How long until I can KNOW that he’s actually changing? He is a master manipulator and has shown me he is capable of looking me straight in the eye while I’m breaking down and flat-out lying to me. How long until I know he’s actually stopped? Or maybe I’m putting unrealistic expectations on him to do a complete 180 in a matter of a month? For context- he says I can look at his phone whenever, we do weekly FANOS check ins, both have CSATS (no disclosure yet, though), I have access to all of his social media, etc. but we all know there are ways around all of this for him to still lie. Your podcast has helped me immensely throughout these past months and I would really be interested in hearing your thoughts on this.
Mark and Steve tackle this listener's questions Raw and Real—but perhaps in a way that most people would not tend to think about—it's not about timelines—it's about EVIDENCE!
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
I Have Discovered My Husband's Relapses More Than a Dozen Times. What Now?
22 Mar 2022
00:26:34
In this episode, Mark and Steve address a major challenge faced by many betrayed spouses—they keep uncovering and discovering their addict partner's relapses and bad behaviors. The addict may get some "sobriety" under his belt, but refuses to lead out by proactively pursuing his own recovery work. It seems the only time he does much of anything is when he "gets caught." Here's the situation a PBSE listener presented—
i am messaging you from sunny England about my husband who doesn't know if he is an addict or not. He is 42, I am nearly 40 and we have 3 children. We have been together for 20 years. His porn use has been an issue for over 15years now, and so far, we have had [more than a dozen] D-Days. Your last podcast really resonated with me, where the guy started by saying he had just been found out for the 8th time. It hit me, that [after so many discoveries] still nothing has changed. My husband claims to be porn free for over a year now. I have not found any evidence of use, but his attitude is still as bad as ever. He claims that because he hasn't used for over a year, he must no longer be addicted; in fact he doesn't know if he ever was! He is not in therapy, he is simply just not watching that stuff anymore. In your personal opinion how long can someone realistically white knuckle? Years? Decades? He is the most stubborn person you will ever come across. I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and genuinely don't know where to turn at this point. Many thanks for all that you do for us betrayed wives.
What can or should a betrayed spouse do in a "stuck place" like this or other similar situations? Mark and Steve offer some important insights and guidance.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
When is it OK for my Addict Partner to “Back Off” from His Recovery?
15 Mar 2022
00:25:53
How long should a spouse expect her addict partner to keep up his recovery? Doesn't there come a time when he can "back off" to some degree? In this episode Mark and Steve answer an excellent set of questions offered by a PBSE listener. Here's what she had to say—
My partner and I have been in recovery since February 2021. Your podcast has really helped pull us through some rough times. We have navigated the "messy middle" and my partner says that now he is in a "good place." He has taken initiative with disclosing slip ups and even new issues he is facing in recovery with temptations in [public] (he struggled with porn addiction, but has now disclosed he is struggling with lust and does not have the tools to work through it like he does with porn).
I am struggling immensely with relationship insecurity. The last discovery I had to make in October really shook up my confidence as he had been hiding it from me and lying about porn use. Since then, he has been honest about any urges or slip ups.
Are porn addicts ever in a place to slow down with recovery? We started out with daily check ins, therapy, Celebrate Recovery 12 step group, Fortify, accountability software, and other relationship building activities (bible studies, intentional time together). Now, he says he just wants to listen to your podcast and do the check ins as he claims he has the tools to manage temptations. I want to trust him and what he says are his needs, but I am afraid since this feels like the perfect time for a slip up, when his guard is down.
From the partners perspective, should I be okay with him taking less active recovery? I am working through my own issues still, and they are becoming magnified with my insecurities of him using less recovery tools. Any input is appreciated. Thanks for all you do!
With passion, clarity and vulnerability, Mark and Steve address the various issues brought up by this PBSE listener—and use a number of experiences from their own decades of deep addiction, as well as many years of recovery success to get to what matters most with this topic and challenge.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
In this episode, Mark and Steve openly and passionately address a PBS listener's situation and questions. Here's what he asked—
I have been found out for the eighth time. I am working with my counselor to work on my recovery. She says she’s not sure how much longer she will stay in the marriage. I will not fail to work on my recovery this time. I am in a SAA twelve step group. I will work on myself to make myself a better man. Here’s my question—I truly want to be transparent. However she is not willing to work on her issues. So how can I be transparent and expect her to respond in a useful way? I’m afraid it will not go well. I want to do the once every 24 hour check in. How do I do this and make it a useful tool if I’m the only one in recovery? I know I can only control my recovery. How do I successfully bring her into the process if she refuses to be in recovery as well?
If you're a porn/sex addict in recovery or a spouse straining under the heavy burden of betrayal trauma, you're going to want to hear Mark and Steve's take on this!
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
What Does “Real Restitution” for Serious Betrayal in a Relationship Look Like?
28 May 2024
00:38:57
In Episode 230, the betrayed parter of a porn/sex addict submitted her situation and some questions to PBSE surrounding the CRITICAL issue of "restitution." Here's how she expressed it—
Over the course of our 25 year long marriage, my husband had two emotional affairs, a decade and a half long porn addiction and a 2 year long physical and emotional affair with a coworker. I was completely blindsided—no inklings or gut feelings. It has been brutal but we are working hard to heal. He has been in honest recovery for a little over a year. He has been through the 12 Steps and worked with our ecclesiastical leader. Both have encouraged some form of restitution. Obviously, he can’t unsee all the porn and undo all the selfish, hurtful things he did and said to me. I have asked him what restitution looks like (or means) for him. He said it was to try and become his best, highest self that God intends him to be —living wholeheartedly and try to not cause anymore suffering in the world. Is that restitution?Is working on yourself to be a better human and husband the same as making restitution? It seems like that is what he should’ve been doing - independent of me - all along. If that isn’t restitution—then what is? How do you make restitution for serious betrayals?
In this episode, Mark & Steve get SUPER passionate, raw and real about this issue!
Let’s Talk Restitution for a Minute:
Sexual betrayal in a relationship is like a major "robbery"! Why and how?
Restitution IS—
A demonstration of contrition
A FULL (as much as possible) RESTORATION of WHAT WAS STOLEN:
Innocence
Hope
Connection
Trust
Time
Commitment
Fidelity
Her ENTIRE ESSENCE
Restitution is NOT—
Something the addict determines
Doing the things that you should have done all along—getting to the “starting line” that she thought she had and you promised in the beginning, such as—
Proactively connecting—being FULLY present
Making and Keeping COMMITMENTS
Providing exclusivity
Pursuing your partner RELENTLESSLY
How does a porn/sex addict in recovery actually provide restitution following betrayal?
Creatively and Proactively, he does the following—
Inquire: what have I stolen from you? Her narrative, NOT YOURS!
Communicate: Sincere, complete apologies, including commitments for long-term change and consistent follow-through. Provide ONGOING empathy where needed.
Provide potential ideas for restitution: come up with a list, show how YOU (not her) are going to sacrifice to make these changes.
Collaborate with her: Share your ideas, humbly ask for feedback, and make consistent ongoing change as necessary.
Episode 112: As Addicts, We Can Throw Up HUGE Barriers to Recovery and Mending Our Most Important Relationships!
01 Mar 2022
00:24:01
In this episode, Mark and Steve address a situation and series of questions from a PBSE listener who is the partner of a porn/sex addict and struggling with betrayal trauma. Here's what she had to say—
Hi Mark and Steve. first off thank you for all that you do. my partner and I have been listening to your podcasts lately. I have a few concerns though that I'm seeking input on: he told me he's not in a place of his recovery to be disclosing things to me such as what his fetish was/is. I think I deserve to know this about my partner's addiction since he was acting out throughout our whole relationship secretly even though I set it as a hard boundary early on. does this mean he is trying to protect his addiction still? its been less than 3 months of sober/recovery.
My other concern is: he says he's not against porn and doesn't have an opinion about it and this is a healthier method to view it. but this makes me very angry as I know there are endless reasons to be against porn and the industry as a whole, not to mention how its negatively impacting our relationship. Thirdly, he oftentimes says he doesn't have enough time to partake in daily recovery. but I think that's just an excuse because he didn't have trouble making time for watching porn throughout our relationship, which I classify as cheating.
There are 3 major barriers her addict partner his throwing up that are blocking his own personal progress and the mending of the relationship—
1. Withholding information about addiction behaviors and betrayal
2. Minimizing, rationalizing and justifying the nature and effects of pornography
3. Making excuses for not doing the hard daily work of recovery
Mark and Steve address all three of these road blocks and how they held them back in their own recoveries and relationships.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
TV, Movies & Media in a Betrayed Relationship—Part Two: What to do if you are the Spouse.
22 Feb 2022
00:28:39
In episode 110, Mark and Steve addressed the responsibility that a recovering porn/sex addict has with regard to TV, movies and media--both for his own recovery and in creating the environment where his spouse can feel safe and heal.
In this episode, Mark and Steve get super real about how crazy hard it can be for a betrayed spouse to trust her recovering addict husband around TV, movies, media and in public in general! HOW can a spouse trying to heal from betrayal trauma navigate her spouse's behaviors around media?
- Let him own HIS recovery!
- Your job is not to make him change, police him, mind-read him or be hyper-vigilant. Your healthy role is to hold your boundaries in response to his action or inaction.
- How can a betrayed spouse ever feel a sense of peace and trust while at the same time letting go of his "stuff"?
- How can you "be enough" regardless of his behaviors? How do you take care of you?
- What if he betrays you again--then what???
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
TV, Movies & Media in a Betrayed Relationship—Part One: What to do if you are the addict.
15 Feb 2022
00:27:08
Something that can be a BIG issue for couples—when one is a porn/sex addict in recovery and the other is a betrayed spouse trying to heal—is TV, movies and media! A PBSE listener asked Mark and Steve about this— Hi guys! My husband and I are working through his sobriety and our recoveries. We found your podcast and are truly thankful we did, thank you so much!! I had a question regarding boundaries. I have been working on my list but I am struggling with one in particular. When my husband and I would cuddle and watch our nightly tv shows together or a movie, he would later google images (sometimes explicit) of the actresses that caught his eye. I could tell during our time together he was objectifying and becoming aroused by them. It has become a very triggering thing for me but I can't seem to think of an appropriate boundary or any boundary for this. I have asked in my support groups but it is most often suggested to completely remove watching shows or movies altogether or screening them. I understand doing that for explicit scenes or R rated but I just don't think that is ideal for shows that don't involve sexual/intimate/explicit scenes. Do you have any suggestions or advice on this?
In this episode (pare one) Mark and Steve talk about the addict spouse's responsibility in regard to his use of TV, movies and media--for his own recovery AND in helping his spouse feel safe and heal.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
Resentment is a POWERFUL emotion! And while it most certainly can be very legitimate based on actual events, history, betrayal, etc., it also acts as a HUGE BARRIER that can block us from moving forward in our recovery, healing and relationships.
In this episode, Mark and Steve get real and dig deep on this issue—
- What exactly is resentment?
- How can you navigate through your brain's own defense mechanisms to recognize, identify and face your resentments?
- Are you willing to begin shifting out of toxic resentment? What might be creating resistance and blocking you from moving forward?
- HOW exactly do you begin "shifting" through resentment and into healthy emotions and a path forward?
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
As a Spouse, You Have “4 Primary Rights” with Regard to His Disclosure!
01 Feb 2022
00:24:57
One of THE most important milestones in real recovery is when a porn/sex addict prepares a completely transparent and authentic "disclosure" of his past discretions and betrayals and then presents it to his spouse. This is often referred to as "D-day." And while the addict plays a key role in this process, there is also a VERY significant and essential focus on the betrayed spouse that must not be discounted or sidestepped in any way. In this episode, Mark and Steve address the needs and "rights" of the betrayed spouse in the disclosure process.
The 4 Primary Rights you have with regard to his disclosure are—
1. The right to choose when and how the disclosure will take place.
2. In a "boundaried" and healthy way, the right to ask and have answered any and all questions.
3. The right to have a "full voice" in the disclosure process, including an "Impact Statement."
4. The right to specific, measurable and accountable reconciliation and amends.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
When there has been Betrayal Trauma, it can seem impossible to ever dare to fully trust again. A PBSE listener describes this struggle as "foreboding joy"—things can be going OK in the relationship, even happy, but there's always this "shadow" in the background threatening to "blindside" her with another betrayal. Here's how she describes it—
I came into the relationship with many self-esteem and insecurity issues which, of course, have only been deepened by his betrayal. The thing I struggle with most is the concept of "foreboding joy." When things are going smoothly I feel like I trigger myself because I can't seem to believe that things can be going so smoothly because I was fooled for so many years. Is this a concept you can discuss in the podcast and maybe share ways to quiet those negative voices when they become overwhelming?
In this episode, Mark and Steve cover in detail, the basic key elements needed in order for a betrayed partner to dare to start trusting again.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
All the ways we convince ourselves we are “entitled” to act out in our addictions
18 Jan 2022
00:21:43
There are MANY reasons the ego-addict part of the brain convinces us that we are entitled to escape into our addiction outlets. These can include: I'm not getting enough sex from my spouse; I have no other way to cope with hard things; Every guy does this to some level; I've tried to quit a thousand times and it's impossible–I've resigned myself to it; You all expect too much of me–you don't want me to have a normal life; I need to be free to just be me . . . and the list goes on and on.
The question is—"Do you truly want to break out of the entitlement an d excuses that are enabling your addiction behaviors and keeping you stuck? In this episode, Mark and Steve talk raw and real about their own experiences with "entitlement" and the first steps to breaking free.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
How do we move out of a “Trauma Response” into “Relationship Authenticity”? (Part Two)
11 Jan 2022
00:24:58
Once you recognize that you and/or your partner are caught in a "Trauma Response," HOW can you intentionally move into a place of "Relationship Authenticity"? Assuming you have completed and openly discussed your "trauma map," proceed as follows—
- Take a break from the situation—the people involved and/or the environment and circumstances.
- Pursue some sort of grounding self-care, i.e., Journaling; Talking it out with someone NOT involved; Some sort of recharging self-care (not avoidance-based)
- Ask yourself: Why does may brain use this particular trauma Response—Where did it come from? What does it do for me? What might be some healthy alternatives?
- Set a time for yourself and/or the other person to come back—Establish ground rules for how long you will work in that “trauma space; establish ground rules for taking a break again as needed.
This episode is "Part Two" on this topic.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
How do I Recognize when I or my Partner are Caught in a "Trauma Response"? (Part One)
04 Jan 2022
00:22:55
There are MANY "trauma triggers" that can create great conflict, pain and difficulty between partners. If you truly desire to work on mending your relationship and/or deepening your trust, connection and intimacy, it is CRITICAL that you each learn to recognize when you are becoming caught in a "Trauma Response."
- Why is this recognition SO important to your personal and partnership path of healing? - How can you learn to step back and truly "see" your trauma response in the heat of the moment? - What do the various manifestations of a trauma response look like? - How can you put together your own "Trauma Response Map"?
This episode is "Part One" on this topic.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
New Year’s Resolutions Can Make Addiction Worse! Try this Instead.
28 Dec 2021
00:26:10
In this episode, Mark & Steve talk raw and real about why the traditional "New Year's Resolution" failed for them SO many times—and often had the effect of making their addictions even worse!
What is the Psychology of the New Year's Resolution? Why do they often fail? Why do we keep doing this to ourselves, year after year???
The KEY to success is all about realistic, reasonable, reliable systems and routines, NOT grandiose goals!
And here's the kicker--much of the process that gets us into addiction, is actually very close to the system that can get us out and move us forward to real and lasting healing and success going forward.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
Do I Have to Accept that my Addict Partner, even in Successful Recovery, could Betray Me Again?!
21 May 2024
00:37:13
In Episode 229, Mark & Steve answer some very TOUGH questions asked by a partner seeking to heal from the betrayal trauma caused by her porn/sex addicted partner. Here's what she sent in to PBSE:
Do I just have to accept he can never be faithful? That an addict will always be an addict so he will always have to fight the want of others? There will always be temptation but recovery means being able to face it and not let it overpower? I don't want that. I don't want urges and triggers just fought off. I want them gone. If they will always exist, the addiction will always exist that says to me he will always have a want for others, a want for more. It says he can never be truly faithful. That I cannot be his only desire. I cannot be enough for him. So in staying, I just have to accept that?
First, we have SO MUCH EMPATHY FOR THIS PARTNER!!! We always ask, “What is under these heart-felt expressions; this pain? What are betrayed partners asking for at the deepest levels?
What they were promised in the beginning!
To be desired, pursued, exclusive, CHOSEN!
To KNOW who THEY are choosing–full honesty and transparency
To be SAFE and not endlessly have to be hyper-vigilant, on-guard, watching to see what he’s watching, keeping track of him . . .
To NOT be in a COMPETITION for his attention, affection, desires, loyalty, faithfulness, etc.
Does a Partner simply have to accept that he will always be one-step-away from betraying her again???
What is “temptation” and living in the real world? What is NORMALCY?
W/hat is “Addiction” and how does it “rewire the brain”?
Can an addiction brain be truly “rewired” to a healthy, faithful state? What does that mean? How long does it take?
What is “real recovery”?
Treating the symptoms–”getting sober”
Exploring and addressing the “underlying core issues”
Maturing, evolving and learning HOW to have a healthy relationship and a healthy life!
LEARNING the lessons that the addiction showed up to TEACH so you can move forward in healthy living!
How do you reconcile “He can ONLY be sober today” with never having hope of anything changing—always having to be hyper-vigilant and wait for the “shoe to drop”? All ANY of us have any control over is ME and TODAY! There are NO guarantees. We know where this desire comes from, but it is not living life on life’s terms.
So, where do you go from here?
Investing in YOURSELF and YOUR POWER while he is doing the same thing. And then coming together to COLLABORATE on this!
But WHAT ABOUT . . . . .???!!!
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com
How to Balance Christmas (and other holidays) with the Trauma of Recovery & Healing
21 Dec 2021
00:21:56
In what can sometimes be the "hellish" experience of addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing, can we still find wonder, enjoyment and even a little "magic" in our special holidays and celebrations?
In this episode Mark and Steve will share with you a very simple formulas they have personally used and taught to others--one that can help you find joy in the "little things" which can make ALL the difference!
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
When Stress Hits—STAND UP for Your Personal & Couple-ship "Bill of Rights"!
14 Dec 2021
00:24:57
Everyone faces different kinds of STRESS in everyday life. But, when we're in addiction recovery or healing from betrayal trauma, that stress is often multiplied and magnified! Then add on top of all of that "holiday stress" and you have a recipe for some daunting challenges!
In this episode Mark and Steve talk about how crucial it is to have a personal and couple-ship "Bill of Rights." Learn how to draw the line, set boundaries and stand up for yourself and your relationship in the face of life stresses.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com
This is Our 100th Episode! In the Pain of Addiction & Betrayal Trauma—There is GREAT HOPE!
07 Dec 2021
00:20:44
Although we can't quite believe it, this is PBSE's 100th Episode!!! Thank you to all our listeners who made this possible! It would never have happened without YOU!
In this episode, we talk about a SUPER important part of recovery and healing--HOW do we find HOPE in the midst of the immense struggle of addiction and the deep pain of betrayal trauma? Come with us as we explore Real Stories of Hope!
Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com