Partnered with a Survivor: David Mandel and Ruth Reymundo Mandel – Details, episodes & analysis

A coercive control law can be groundbreaking and still leave survivors asking, “Why doesn’t life feel safer?”

David and Ruth are joined by Dr. Marsha Scott, CEO of Scottish Women’s Aid, to talk about Scotland’s hard-won reforms and the uncomfortable truth behind them: Legal change is only the beginning, and implementation is where domestic abuse reform succeeds or fails. 

They dig into what makes Scotland’s coercive control framework so influential, including its course of conduct focus and why impact matters more than trying to read a perpetrator’s “intent.” Dr. Scott shares what the law has changed in public understanding and what has not changed yet in courts, sentencing, and survivor trust. Ruth, David, and Dr. Scott also get practical about what closes the implementation gap: infrastructure, better evidence, skilled supervision, and real accountability when systems keep defaulting to old habits. 

Then they turn to family court, child protection, and child contact decision-making, where children’s rights can get lost and where poor documentation can make the perpetrator disappear while the survivor is judged through a deficit lens. They talk about reports, mental health models, and what it takes to pivot practice toward perpetrator patterns as parenting behaviours with measurable harm to kids. 

If you care about coercive control, children’s safety, and systems change that actually sticks, hit subscribe, share the episode with a colleague, and leave us a review on your favorite podcast platform.

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Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in real

Check out David Mandel's new book Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to Transform the Way We Keep Children Safe from Domestic Violence.

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If your picture of domestic abuse is still “bigger person equals perpetrator,” that assumption can derail safety planning in minutes, especially in same-sex relationships and LGBTQ families. 

In this episode, Ruth and David sit down with Dr. James Rowlands, sociologist and founder of the Dyn Project, to explore what actually helps practitioners identify abuse more accurately: tracking patterns of coercive control, listening for fear and entrapment, and documenting real behaviours instead of relying on identity-based assumptions.

Ruth, David, and Dr. Rowlands unpack the tension many professionals feel between maintaining a gender-based violence lens, recognising gendered double standards, and being inclusive of queer survivors and male victims. While “gender-neutral” approaches can sound fair, they can also flatten power dynamics, erase social context, and obscure the role gender norms play in abusive relationships.

Together, they examine the “public story” that often steers professionals toward proxies like size, presentation, or stereotypes instead of evidence-based assessment. They also discuss how abuse tactics can look different in LGBTQ relationships, where outing, community stigma, and questions around “who counts as queer” can become tools of coercion and control.

The conversation gets practical, too. David, Ruth, and Dr. Rowlands explore why LGBTQ survivors are often missed in MARAC referrals, how generic risk checklists fail without LGBTQ-specific prompts, and what domestic homicide and death reviews can get wrong when queerness is treated as the explanation rather than focusing on perpetrator behaviour and systemic failures.

They close with concrete questions practitioners can ask to build trust with survivors, along with guidance for navigating biased or unsafe professional responses.

Subscribe, share this with a colleague or friend, and leave a review so more people can find these tools. What’s one assumption you’ve seen cause harm in a domestic abuse response?

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Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in real

Check out David Mandel's new book Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to Transform the Way We Keep Children Safe from Domestic Violence.

Visit the Safe & Together Institute website.

Start taking Safe & Together Institute courses.

Check out Safe & Together Institute upcoming events.

We are starting our 7th season and asking the question: "What if love wasn’t the soft side of this work, but the method that makes healing possible?"

We chat again with Nneka MacGregor—co-founder and executive director of WomenatthecentrE, survivor, advocate, and visionary—to explore how love, joy, gratitude, and community connection can transform responses to gender-based violence. Instead of centering punishment that rarely repairs harm or teaches nurturing protective behavior, we examine a path where boundaries are love, accountability restores dignity, and systems are redesigned to reduce violence at its roots.

Nneka shares the personal story of surviving an attempted femicide and the vow that shaped her leadership: to live with gratitude, choose joy, and build a world where women and children are safer. From there, we dig into transformative justice—what it is, how it works, and why carceral reflexes often disconnect people from community, dull empathy, and compound and reproduce harm. You’ll hear a clear case for accountability that tells the truth, makes repair, and supports real change without throwing people away.

Nneka also introduce three bold frameworks that flip misogyny and misogynoir on their heads: amourgyny (love of women, girls, trans, and gender-diverse people), amourgynoir (centering love for Black women, girls, and gender-diverse folks), and amourgenous (centering love for Indigenous women, girls, and two-spirit people). These ideas are already influencing policy in Canada, offering a practical language for institutions to move beyond retribution into more behaviorally grounded and care-centered design. Along the way, we redefine power as something you hold upright and share—strong, embodied, and unentangled from coercion, control, and violence.

If you’re a practitioner, policymaker, survivor, or ally, this episode offers a grounded blueprint: lead with love, pair it with firm boundaries, build accountability that repairs, and design systems that center those most harmed. Subscribe, share with a colleague, and leave a review with your take: where should love show up first in your world?

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Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in real

Check out David Mandel's new book Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to Transform the Way We Keep Children Safe from Domestic Violence.

Visit the Safe & Together Institute website.

Start taking Safe & Together Institute courses.

Check out Safe & Together Institute upcoming events.

In 2020, the Centre for Women's Justice (CWJ) filed a groundbreaking "super-complaint" against all police forces in England and Wales. The complaint alleged patterns of "serious concerns about the way policing systems operate where police officers are accused of domestic abuse" and raising concerns of a "lack of integrity, of officers manipulating the system and acting in bad faith in a variety of ways."

In this episode, David and Ruth interview Nogah Ofer, the CWJ solicitor who filed the complaint, and "Amy" (pseudonym used), an officer-involved domestic violence (OIDV) survivor whose story is included in the complaint. The interview covers:

• The genesis of the complaint
• The patterns of abuse and experiences of UK OIDV survivors
• The failures of the police system to respond effectively to these officers' behaviors

Amy shares the details of her abuse and how the system failed to respond to her safety needs. 

Listen to other episodes in the OIDV series: 

• Season 1 Episode 28: “I Have Something I Want to Talk to You About”: A Conversation About the Experiences of OIDV Survivors with Dr. Leanor Boulin Johnson
• Season 1 Episode 27: “How Much Crime Are You Willing to Let Your Police Commit?”: An Interview with Lieutenant Detective Mark Wynn (Ret) and Police Chief Tom Tremblay (Ret)
• Season 1 Episode 26: Listening to the Voices of Survivors of Officer-Involved Domestic Violence: An Interview with Nanette Chezum
• Season 1 Episode 25: When Police Officers Commit Domestic Violence: An Interview with Award-Winning Journalist and Author Alex Roslin

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Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in real

Check out David Mandel's new book Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to Transform the Way We Keep Children Safe from Domestic Violence.

Visit the Safe & Together Institute website.

Start taking Safe & Together Institute courses.

Check out Safe & Together Institute upcoming events.

The term “trauma bonding” was originally coined by Patrick Carnes, who was a proponent of the concept of sex addiction. He originally developed the term to describe “the misuse of fear, excitement, sexual feelings, and sexual physiology to entangle another person.” A simpler and more encompassing definition is that trauma bonding is “a strong emotional attachment between an abused person and his or her abuser, formed as a result of the cycle of violence.”

Problematically, the term is often misapplied to survivors rather than focusing on perpetrators and their choices and tactics. In this episode, Ruth and David discuss four ways the concept of trauma bonding works against survivors: 

1. It deemphasizes or ignores perpetrators’ behaviors that keep survivors trapped in an abusive situation.
2. It blames victims for the failure of friends, family, professionals, and faith leaders to hold perpetrators accountable for their actions.
3. It focuses professionals on the survivor, not the perpetrator.
4. It lets systems and professionals off the hook for how they are not responding well to survivors and perpetrators.

David and Ruth also explore the connections between the concept of trauma bonding and Stockholm Syndrome, co-dependency, and learned helplessness. They also examine the differential impact of this term on poor and Indigenous women, women of color, and trans survivors.

Toward the end of the show, David and Ruth talk about how the Safe & Together Model offers professionals alternative approaches to working with survivors, including: 

• Making sure that any discussion of trauma is contextualized to the perpetrator’s pattern
• Actively seeking to understand behaviors of resistance and protection for survivors and others 
• Working to ensure that the response that a survivor gets for disclosure is a positive experience
• Respecting survivors’ unique needs
• Using tools like the Ally Guide to communicate to professionals, family, and friends
• Training professionals to recognize the patterns of manipulation by perpetrators and their vulnerabilities to manipulation 

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Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in real

Check out David Mandel's new book Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to Transform the Way We Keep Children Safe from Domestic Violence.

Visit the Safe & Together Institute website.

Start taking Safe & Together Institute courses.

Check out Safe & Together Institute upcoming events.

Family courts’ decisions related to domestic violence and child abuse have tremendous impact on the lives of adult and child survivors. These decisions are suppose to serve the “best interests” of the children in these families. Yet, as research indicates, reports of domestic violence and child abuse are more likely to be disbelieved than believed by family courts.

In this episode, David and Ruth speak to Joan Meier, an internationally renowned author, researcher, and attorney, about about her years of experience with family court and abuse and her recent groundbreaking research study on U.S. family court decisions related to abuse allegations. 

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Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in real

Check out David Mandel's new book Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to Transform the Way We Keep Children Safe from Domestic Violence.

Visit the Safe & Together Institute website.

Start taking Safe & Together Institute courses.

Check out Safe & Together Institute upcoming events.

The first police spouse that Dr. Leanor Boulin Johnson interviewed for her research came into the office, sat down, and said, “I have something I want to talk to you about, and I really don’t care what you want to talk to me about. I’m going to tell you what I want you to know about my stress.” She went on to tell Dr. Johnson and her colleague about how her police officer husband was beating her. More stories of police officer–perpetrated domestic violence were uncovered as the research continued. With each disclosure, Dr. Johnson was thrown deeper and deeper into the hidden world of officer-involved domestic violence (OIDV). 

Over more than 30 years, Dr. Johnson has done multiple studies and even testified to the United States Congress about officer-involved domestic violence. Dr. Johnson, a professor emeritus at Arizona State University, didn’t set out to research officer-involved domestic violence. As a professor in African American and Family Studies, she was looking to research women’s roles in the workplace. After running into roadblock after roadblock, she landed on studying police officers’ stress including their families. 

In this conversation with David and Ruth, Dr. Johnson shares her insights and observations related to OIDV including her concerns for the health of police families, lack of support for police officers, and the connections between OIDV and police brutality. During this interview Dr. Johnson talks about:

• The connection between “authoritarian spillover,” OIDV, and police brutality 
• The gender and race differences in her research 
• How police officers’ need for support and connection is central to addressing OIDV and excessive force problems

For those interested in learning more about her research, you can email her directly at drlbj@yahoo.com. To read more about her research, you can read Alex Roslin’s book Police Wife.

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Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in real

Check out David Mandel's new book Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to Transform the Way We Keep Children Safe from Domestic Violence.

Visit the Safe & Together Institute website.

Start taking Safe & Together Institute courses.

Check out Safe & Together Institute upcoming events.

Police have been fighting against officer-involved domestic violence (OIDV) for decades. In this episode, David and Ruth interview two international law enforcement experts and advocates fighting against the perpetration of domestic violence by police officers. Retired Lieutenant Detective Mark Wynn and Retired Police Chief Tom Tremblay talk about how: 

• Officer-involved domestic violence (OIDV) violates the public trust
• Police executives that don’t address OIDV are colluding with criminals
• Police officer stress is not a cause of OIDV
• OIDV is tied to male dominated culture in police forces  
• Use of excessive force and OIDV are connected and need to be addressed together

Listen to other episodes in the OIDV series: 

• Season 1 Episode 26: Listening to the Voices of Survivors of Officer-Involved Domestic Violence: An Interview with Nanette Chezum
• Season 1 Episode 25: When Police Officers Commit Domestic Violence: An Interview with Alex Roslin

Send us Fan Mail

Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in real

Check out David Mandel's new book Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to Transform the Way We Keep Children Safe from Domestic Violence.

Visit the Safe & Together Institute website.

Start taking Safe & Together Institute courses.

Check out Safe & Together Institute upcoming events.

Survivors of officer-involved domestic violence (OIDV) face unique threats and challenges compared to other domestic abuse survivors. OIDV perpetrators are highly trained in violence, control, and surveillance; have access to resources to surveil and threaten the survivor; can use knowledge of the system, including the location of confidential shelters/refuges; can use their relationships with other professionals to further their abuse; and often have access to firearms.

In episode, David and Ruth interview Nanette Chezum, an OIDV survivor, about her experience of abuse. Nanette discusses: 

• How the initial trust she placed in her partner was elevated because he was a police officer
• Her partner’s tactics of abuse and its relationship to his training and position
• The importance of getting support and validation from the partner from another officer
• The supportive and positive response she received from her perpetrator’s department

Send us Fan Mail

Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in real

Check out David Mandel's new book Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to Transform the Way We Keep Children Safe from Domestic Violence.

Visit the Safe & Together Institute website.

Start taking Safe & Together Institute courses.

Check out Safe & Together Institute upcoming events.

When police officers commit domestic violence, it harms their family, the public, and the efficiency and effectiveness of police departments. Domestic violence survivors who are partnered with police officers face unique vulnerabilities and challenges. Officers who perpetrate domestic violence are often the same people who are involved in excessive force and altercations with their peers. It is believed that 2 in 5 domestic violence police calls are responded to by police officers who have a history of domestic violence perpetration.   

In this episode, Ruth and David have a far-ranging conversation with Alex Roslin, an award-winning journalist and the author of Police Wife, about: 

• How he first learned about the issue of OIDV from a survivor who was participating in a support group that was one-half partners of gang members and the other half were partners of police officers
• How he began researching OIDV across the world 
• How often police officers who are known to commit domestic violence remain on the job, responding to domestic violence survivors’ calls for law enforcement assistance
• The lack of resources for OIDV survivors
• The linkages between OIDV and excessive force used against civilians 
• How OIDV perpetrators use their position, power, training, and relationships to engage in coercive control 
• The need for improved policy and statutes to create better transparency, training, and consequences for OIDV perpetration 

Send us Fan Mail

Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in real

Check out David Mandel's new book Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to Transform the Way We Keep Children Safe from Domestic Violence.

Visit the Safe & Together Institute website.

Start taking Safe & Together Institute courses.

Check out Safe & Together Institute upcoming events.