Is My Child A Monster? A brand new parenting therapy podcast. You get to be a fly on the wall in Leslie Cohen-Rubury’s office and listen in as she sits with parents who share their stories in therapy sessions recorded live.
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Données mises à jour le 04/07/2026
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How To Use Validation To Prioritize Family Relationships With Special Guest Dale Rubury
Saison 3 · Épisode 100
mardi 9 septembre 2025 • Durée 41:55
This is the 100th Episode of the podcast. And for 100 episodes it has been the goal to help parents understand their children so as to create a validating environment as well as a foundation of connection for your child’s wellbeing. In this episode, Leslie and Dale focus on how to make attending to the relationship with your child a high priority especially when there are escalating emotions. What’s the goal of your interactions with your child? Today’s episode explores the three goals of interpersonal situations from Dialectic Behavior Therapy as well as the six levels of validation.
Time Stamps
3:38 What are the three goals of interpersonal situations
The objective of the situation - balancing the short term vs long term
Attending to your self-respect
Attending to the relationship and how the person would feel after the interaction
9:56 Escalating emotions is an indication that you may need to change your priority of the three goals
10:10 When the relationship is the number one priority in order to create the foundation of connection for your child’s wellbeing
11:53 Why is validation so important and what does it mean
Validation is acknowledgment, not agreement
Parents need to practice “biting their tongue” so as not to invalidate your child
16:20 Discussion of invalidation - Dale’s personal experience
18:25 Mysophonia is a diagnosis that validates the sensory overwhelm that some children/people feel
21:20 The respect you give your child will in turn often lead your child to respect you.
22:58 Beware of double down on getting your objective met when misbehavior shows up.
23:50 Change course means changing your priority from the objective to the relationship
24:34 The Six Levels of Validation
25:20 Level one: Paying attention
26:41 Level two: Reflect back
27:54 Level three: Reading minds
30:42 Level four: Understanding
32:16 Level five: Acknowledge the valid
33:32 Level six: Show equality
35:10 Choosing the level of validation that works is up to the individual and the situation
36:56 Examples of Functional Validation
38:30 Use the phrase: “What I just said might have felt invalidating to you” when someone gets upset with something you might have said
39:10 Match your intention with the impact
Leslie-ism: I want to say to parents: it's our job to take the first step forward.
Karen Part 3 of 3: When You Feel Like Parenting Should Be Easier
Saison 3 · Épisode 99
mardi 2 septembre 2025 • Durée 52:13
Picture this, you have three children, it’s summer vacation and all the routines have changed and now your extended family is coming for a visit. Sounds great and getting irritable and frustrated is also really understandable. In today’s third and final session with Karen, who is a mother of three children, she is asking herself the question: Shouldn’t this be easier? The discussion also focuses on understanding the "people pleaser" the sensitive child, and some of the myths that we believe about ourselves and others. Karen and her husband are bothered by her son's passion for watching animals fighting which is something we unpack through dialectic thinking and curiosity.
Time Stamps
3:22 Understanding factors contributing to a parent’s irritability and frustration and what to do about it
5:00 How to respond to stress and anxiety?
6:49 Take a look at your “core beliefs” which can be myths or mistaken beliefs.
8:15 Parents have an opportunity to break a generational cycle of judgment or shame
10:46 Do you believe everything you think?
11:16 Shame and Blame often go hand in hand.
Shame makes us feel vulnerable and blame can be something we do when we feel vulnerable
The urge to hide is associated with shame
Anger is a secondary emotion to the shame
13:28 Guilt vs Shame distinction
15:10 People pleaser don’t want other people to get upset (another core belief)
People pleaser who worries about judgments
Challenging our mistaken beliefs
20:05 A thought substitution is a way of changing your perspective
22:25 “Finding another interpretation” game
26:36 Coping skills can “calm you down” and distract you
27:00 The difference between distress tolerance skills and emotion regulation skills
Karen Part 2 of 3: How To Establish Limits and Teach Coping Skills
Saison 3 · Épisode 98
mardi 26 août 2025 • Durée 50:12
Parenting is a work in progress and the idea that you get to learn as you go is essential. In today’s episode Karen, who is eager to learn returns for her second session as we unpack the complexities of parent-child relationships of her three children. Karen is seeking advice on how to raise resilient children, how to set limits when it feels like your daughter’s best friend talks back to adults and when your kids fight in the grocery store. Understanding who your child is and understanding the situation you are dealing with can change your perspective and guide your parenting skills.
Time Stamps
3:10 Helping get kids off technology can range from connecting to your child to changing your expectations.
4:18 The change in the parents behavior can have a direct impact on what the child does
5:25 Changing your perspective from what the child is doing to you vs what’s happening to the child
7:39 Change takes time - manage your expectations
9:08The difference between authoritative vs authoritarian - Learning to be comfortable with your authority as a parent
12:20 Human interaction is complex - assess the contributing factors including your child's vulnerabilities, expectations and beliefs
14:35 Missed opportunities - its like missing a train - there will be another one
16:19 Be “REAL” with your kids
17:33 Name the elephant in the room - verbalize what’s going on
18:35 Put your foot on the brake - Stop trying to teach/rationalize and put your foot on the validation gas pedal
19:20 Expand your thinking - be more flexible - get rid of stereotypes
20:10 Stop after the validation - don’t talk so much
22:20 Parenting is often counterintuitive
24:24 Practice taking a non-judgmental stance
Karen Part 1 of 3: Tailoring Technology Strategies To Fit Your Child’s Needs
Saison 3 · Épisode 97
mardi 19 août 2025 • Durée 44:38
In today’s session you will meet Karen who has three kids, 10 year old Kate, 8 year old Vivian, and 5 year old Owen and asks Leslie the question of how to get her kids off technology. . Answering that question, means assessing what’s going on and then tailoring the strategies to each individual child. This session also focuses on helping parents feel comfortable with their own authority while maintaining mutual respect with your child.and how not to personalize your child’s big emotions.
Time Stamps
4:10 The unstructured nature of summer and its challenges
5:00 The dialectic perspective of the strong-willed children
8:15 Reasons how you diminish your authority as a parent
Wait till the father steps in
Feeling like your children push your buttons
Giving children too many choices
Mom doesn’t mean what she says
12:45 Create individual strategies for dealing with technology for your individual kids
14:35 Don’t give into the “fairness game”
Validate and move on rather than dismiss and move on
16:35 Family meeting where everyone has a chance to be heard
17:25 Teaching children to manage “Technology Time”
18:25 Fair is not the same as equal
18:45 The definition of a “bad” parent -When parents personalize their child’s anger
21:19 Change your perspective and your interpretations
My son is having strong emotions
My son is getting to know his anger
My son is feeling disappointment
24:47 Parents can unintentionally reinforce a child’s emotional reactivity
25:55 Cope Ahead Skill - Help a child learn what they can do differently next time instead of shaming them
How To Talk To Your Kid About Phones With Special Guest Max Stossel
Saison 3 · Épisode 96
mardi 12 août 2025 • Durée 50:14
To quote Max Stossel “social media is drastically impacting young people’s mental health, focus, social skills, productivity and self-worth". On today’s episode, Leslie has a conversation with technology expert, Max Stossel, who was a media strategist before becoming an educator on this topic. He speaks about the reality of phones and compassionately, how parents do indeed have to deal with this reality because it's not going away. Max increases our understanding of how social media is designed to keep kids (and us) on the phones. He offers practical solutions to work on and hopes to create a common language between parents and their kids.
Time Stamps
3:45 Max explains his mission to “help children survive and thrive in the modern world”
Social Media is like gas on a fire of all the issues that were already there for teenagers/kids such as self worth, bullying, etc
5:00 Help kids to have a mindful moment of really checking in about how their technology makes them feel
8:40 How understanding slot machines and their variable reward system explains how and why we use the phone (Intermitten reinforcement which keeps a behavior going
11:37 Changing the question to your child from “do you like this? TO how does it make you feel?”
“How does it make you feel during and after?”
13:00 We can help children develop an awareness of what they are feeling during and after being on technology
14:45 Discussing the overwhelm that parents feel with the pressures of tech use
15:30 Discussion of why and how to delay giving your child a phone for as long as possible and problem solving
19:16 Max’s list a few of his recommendations (see show notes for a more extensive list)
Removing phones from bedrooms
Using Technology is a trade between presence or looking at my phone. Its a choice
Narrate that choice- take responsibility for the choice you make
Kevin & Scott Part 3 of 3: When Everyday Tasks Feel Challenging
Saison 3 · Épisode 95
mardi 5 août 2025 • Durée 43:44
Parents have to deal with the daily activities of getting their kids dressed, fed and out the door. Sometimes there are great strategies and skills to help in those situations. And sometimes those are just what Leslie calls “messy situations” that come with raising kids. This is the third and final session with Kevin & Scott who have two boys - 7 year old Gavin and 4 year old Arthur. This episode is chock full of strategies and the discussion focuses on mindfulness skills as well as interpersonal skills. And stay tuned to the end of the episode where Scott gives us an update on how these sessions have helped both parents.
Time Stamps
2:22 Mindfulness practice helped their child be more focused and it helped the parents stay calmer and less frustrated
6:58 Definition and examples of one-minded
9:15 When kids don’t like making mistakes? How to use Cope Ahead Skill
10:35 Helping the parents feel more competent
Removing the “shoulds” from the homework task
12:30 How can you lower the expectations and still help your child reach their full potential
15:18 Role play scenario to demonstrate what to do when things are tense or escalating
Strategies that respectfully help the child whose brain says “I need to tell you every little detail of a story”
18:40 Look for some collaboration and Identify the dialectic dilemma between your goal vs your child’s goal, your needs and your child’s needs
20:50 Definition of a synthesis
21:30 Use two hands to help your child visualize the two parts of dilemma
26:50 Messy moments are intrinsic to raising children
27:28 What to do during the big meltdowns
Notice and Name the child’s state of mind - “You are in emotion mind”,
Kevin & Scott Part 2 of 3: When Homework is Frustrating for Everyone
Saison 3 · Épisode 94
mardi 29 juillet 2025 • Durée 43:50
Homework is a time of frustration in many families. And there are so many root causes that contribute to the defiance that often comes with homework. In today’s episode, which is the second session with Kevin and Scott, Leslie discusses and assesses what’s going on and what to do with those homework issues. Kevin and Scott are parents to 7 year old Gavin and 4 year old Arthur - two neurodivergent boys, who are trying incredibly hard to be the best parents they can be. Leslie points out that perhaps everyone can try different, not harder.
Time Stamps
3:40 Varying your skills is often very effective - mix it up a little
4:13 The opposite of self-compassion is self-deprecating and self-judgements
6:00 Using your skills intentionally makes the skill for effective
6:50 Family value of doing things together as a family
Children avoid parts of their homework that’s hard for them.
The child may have difficulty admitting that they made a mistake
9:40 Review of the should’s from the homework for Kevin and Scott
10:39 How to believe your own compassionate statement
11:35 Looking at yourself before you became a parent
14:24 Should-ing yourself or your child often turns into shaming
15:20 The pressure of parenting
16:38 Validate your thoughts but don’t attach to those thoughts
17:40 We don’t have to try harder, we have to try different
18:40 The many uses of mindfulness
23:03 What to do when your child refuses to do school work
Give your child information about what happens to them
Put it on paper so it is tangible and visual
Kevin & Scott Part 1 of 3: When Parenting Feels Like A Sea of Chaos
mardi 22 juillet 2025 • Durée 40:09
As parents we can probably relate to Kevin and Scott who describe family life as chaotic. They are parents of two neurodivergent boys, 7 year old Gavin and 4 year old Arthur. Its clear in this episode that these parents have done their homework and tried to help their boys and their family life but the frustration and uncertainly are ever present. Leslie works with Kevin and Scott to assess and understand the other important ingredients essential for effective parenting. This episode focuses on feelings and concepts such as compassion, insecurity, shame and grief. And together they that look at what happens when rewards stop working.
Time Stamps
3:10 Where do parents begin when trying to make sense household chaos
5:05 When parenting with strategies designed for the neurotypical child doesn’t work as well with the neurodivergent child
5:59 Grieving the child you thought you would have
Comparison to other children or other families
Acknowledge the child you have
8:08 An example of making compassionate statements to each other and to themselves
11:20 Island of compassion in the sea of chaos
Description of the morning "chaos"
14:15 Teasing can be “playful connection’ as well as the hurtful
Parents can reframe the behavior from a negative to an alternative interpretation
17:10 Rewards - how to make them work and why they stop working
Change them often
Intermittent reinforcement works very well to establish a behavior
Don’t work harder than your child
Keep the small and specific
24:08 Problem Solving Skill from DBT - focus on the brainstorming step
26:14 Raising your child to understand who he is, the impact of how he shows up in the world, and the areas that he might need to work on.
26:30 Strategies to help someone with ADHD:
How To Manage Parental Overwhelm with Special Guest Dr. Kiki Felhling
mardi 15 juillet 2025 • Durée 37:21
Parenting is an overwhelming job with endless meals, cleanups, and activities. But on top of that, there’s the general overwhelm we're all feeling in our current world, and there are skills you can learn to help manage that daily overwhelm. In this episode Leslie speaks with special guest, Dr. Kiki Fehling. Dr. Kiki Fehling, a licensed psychologist, DBT expert, author and speaker, discusses the transformative impact of DBT on her life and the lives of her clients. Together Leslie and Kiki focus on specific DBT skills that can directly help parents who feel overwhelmed, including Mindfulness, TIPP, and Opposite Action Skills which can help both you and your children.
Time Stamps
3:05 Why Kiki is committed to getting DBT resources out to the public
5:13 Distinguishing between DBT Therapy and DBT Skills
The four Modules of DBT
These are life skills to help you deal with the hard parts of life
7:15 How do we talk to parents about the overwhelm
Start with mindfulness
Definition of mindfulness
Increasing one’s awareness of the Overwhelm
11:10 Jon Kabat Zinn’s Quote: “if our lives depended on our awareness of our breathing we’d all be dead
12:48 Mindfulness is the foundation of DBT
13:00 TIPP Skills to help us regulate our nervous system
13:25 Paced Breathing Skill
14:48 Tip your Temperature - mammalian Dive Reflex
16:48 Intense Exercise
17:47 Progressive Muscle Relaxation
19:46 Opposite Action Skill
24:50 Dealing with Overwhelm
Using your TIPP Skills IS Opposite Action
25:25 Start with yourself: Model it and that teaches your child to cope
Co-regulation is when the parent calms themselves down
27:06 Kids are growing up with Mindfulness as an everyday word
Krystal & Burt Part 3 of 3: When One Parent Worries and The Other Parent Doesn’t
Saison 3 · Épisode 91
mardi 8 juillet 2025 • Durée 49:12
Here’s the scenario: Your 8 year old child just got a formal diagnosis of ADHD in addition to the dyslexia diagnosis. Your 12 year old son is also neurodivergent whose behaviors include humming, interrupting and fidgeting. How does a family learn to get along with all of these differences which create tension in both the children and the parents. In this third and final session with Krystal and Burt, Leslie works directly with the parenting differences…Krystal expresses her concerns about Margot's future, while Burt remains optimistic. The skills focus on mindfulness, validation and communication in order to “get along”, and learn to live together.
Time Stamps
3:35 The benefits of giving a child with ADHD the “job” of time management
5:00 Medication Trial for ADHD - pros and cons
8:59 The worrisome questions of someone with ADHD
15:10 When avoiding problems, you might be making your problem worse
15:45 Asking for what you need when you know you want to be heard.
17:25 Learning to speak each other’s language
18:55 Making sure your child understands their diagnosis
19:45 When someone is not understood and seen for who they are, they may misbehave- example of being left handed and being singled out.
20:22 If you figure out your different and different equals bad, then you call yourself “bad”
21:30 Explaining brains when you're trying to explain a diagnosis to a child
Discussing neurodivergence with affirmative language
25:48 When parents have opposite perspectives.
Be who you are and take a giant step towards the other person
You can still be positive and validate your child’s concerns
27:39 When you validate someone’s worries - the worries may actually decrease
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Leslie-ism: The road to happiness is knowing how to handle the life’s struggles
For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecoh`podcasts/ . Yo u can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.
Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by
28:35 How to establish personal power and agency for your children that is effective
30:21 Working on developing mutual respect
33:18 Observe and describe your child’s behavior nonjudgmentally
34:33 Explaining fairness, equanimity and sameness with a metaphor
38:05 Create structure in the day to help children manage technology time
41:44 Understanding what it means to be comfortable with authority
Leslie-ism: Say what you mean and mean what you say
Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.
The bigger the screen the better (more social accountability and less isolation)
24:15 Two role play situations. 25:17 Trying to get your teen off their phone. 34:20 When your tween asks you to get them a phone
28:40 Review of the strategies of the first role play
38::00 Review of the strategies of the second role play
42:20 Technology gets in the way of self discovery
45:30 Experiment with substitute experiences instead of scrolling
Leslie-ism: Replace the question of “do you like this TO how does it make you feel”
Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.
28:55 “ Living Therapeutically” is Leslie’s term for a way of living without therapy that continues to help you learn and grow (a newsletter will be coming soon on this)
