Parenting Teens Got You Stressed? 🎙️ Dr. Cam—The Teen Translator—Has Answers!
Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam is the go-to podcast for parents who are ready to get real about raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell—adolescent psychologist, certified parenting coach, and mom of a teen—this podcast is all about honest conversations that dive deep into the challenges parents face and providing actionable solutions that actually work.
Dr. Cam doesn’t just talk theories—she shares real-life insights and strategies based on over a decade of experience and the struggles she faces as a mom herself. Every episode offers practical, science-backed solutions to help you understand your teen, improve communication, and build a stronger relationship. Whether you’re dealing with mood swings, defiance, anxiety, or social media issues, you’ll find easy-to-apply advice that makes a difference.
No interviews here—just authentic conversations that get to the heart of what parents are really dealing with. With a mix of expert tips and Dr. Cam’s own relatable stories, you’ll walk away with the tools you need to tackle even the toughest teen challenges with confidence.
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Prevent Teen Drinking and Impaired Driving: Expert Tips from MADD CEO to Keep Your Teen Safe
Season 5 · Episode 221
Tuesday, September 10, 2024 • Duration 30:33
Dr. Cam Caswell sits down with Stacey D. Stewart, CEO of Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD), to discuss the critical issue of underage drinking and impaired driving. Stacey highlights the ongoing dangers of these issues and the devastating impact they can have on families. She emphasizes that parents play a key role in prevention through open, ongoing conversations with their teens. Stacey encourages parents to provide resources and information to help their children make informed decisions and understand the consequences of alcohol and substance use. Modeling responsible behavior and seeking help if a child struggles with substance use is also key.
WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
The lasting dangers of underage drinking and impaired driving, and how parents can help prevent them.
Why ongoing, open communication with teens is crucial for prevention.
Practical resources and tips for parents to help their teens make informed choices about alcohol and substance use.
How parents can model responsible behavior to reinforce the importance of safe choices.
The importance of addressing mental health concerns and seeking help when necessary.
5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
Underage drinking and impaired driving remain serious issues with severe consequences.
Parents can prevent these dangers by maintaining open communication with their teens and providing educational resources.
Modeling responsible behavior is essential for guiding teens toward making better decisions.
Early conversations about alcohol and substance use should begin as early as elementary school.
If a teen is struggling with substance use, parents should seek support and resources immediately.
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The thought of your teen making a life -altering mistake because of alcohol is terrifying. We know that underage drinking can lead to devastating consequences, from impaired driving accidents to the dangerous combination of alcohol with other drugs. But here's the thing, these tragedies are entirely preventable. To help us navigate these tough topics, I am joined by Stacey D. Stewart, CEO of Mothers Against Drunk Driving or MADD. Stacey is going to share how we as parents can address these fears take action and keep our teens safe from the dangers of drinking and driving. Stacey, welcome to the show.
Stacey D. Stewart (00:37.837)
Thank for having me.
Dr. Cam (00:39.182)
Absolutely, Kaso. I always love starting with a backstory. So what inspired you to get involved with MAD?
Stacey D. Stewart (00:47.544)
You know, my whole career has kind of been defined by leading and working in organizations that are doing good in society and doing good for others. It's my career has gone everywhere from addressing affordable housing and homelessness to looking at the issues of public education to public health and maternal and infant health and this opportunity came up to come to MAD and I just thought it was an amazing opportunity. The organization has, you know, an incredible legacy, has done really phenomenal things and is on a journey to continue to address the issue of Indian Peer Driving. And I just jumped on the opportunity to come once it came my way and I've been excited to be a part of the organization ever since.
Dr. Cam (01:35.23)
I love that. Thank you for everything you're doing. That's amazing. Making some serious change in the world. That's incredible. Tell me a little bit about what is the goal of MAD right now? Like what are your main things that you're trying to accomplish?
Stacey D. Stewart (01:51.034)
So the main goal is to end impaired driving, meaning ending drunk and drug driving. And unfortunately for a lot of people, I think maybe because of some of the success that Matt has had over almost 45 years, a lot of people think that that issue has gone away or we've dealt with it. Some people say, well, we have ride share, we have Uber and ride share alternatives. So why would anyone get behind a wheel and drive? And unfortunately it still happens. In fact, based on the latest statistics,
Over 13 ,000 people died as a result of impaired driving crashes. And about every, almost every 90 seconds, someone is either being injured or killed in an impaired driving crash. And so we still have a major issue for, in this country. And in fact, even though we have seen a 50 % decline in fatalities from the beginning of MADS getting started until just before the...
Stacey D. Stewart (02:49.69)
pandemic, during the pandemic, we saw an upswing. So from 2019 to 2022, we saw an increase in fatalities of over 30%. So we began going in the wrong direction. And that's why, Mad, we're, you know, very, very focused on doubling down to make sure that we build awareness around the dangers of, of drinking and, using substances behind the wheel. We also are making sure that young people understand the dangers of underage drinking because we know that underage drinking and substance use can lead to a greater chance of becoming involved in an impaired driving crash. So these are just really important issues that we have to continue to focus on and we can't let up the focus because, you know, frankly, if we do, more people die or get injured and none of us wants that.
Dr. Cam (03:39.638)
Yeah, I think as parents, we're very well aware of this, right? And when our kids are going out and they're even before they're driving and their friends are driving, we're already terrified enough, right? I think our kids also know, but there's a disconnect between what they know and what they do. And there's also a disconnect of what we know and what our kids will hear from us, right? And what they believe from us.
So I think that's the biggest thing as parents that we're worried about is how do we convey the severity of it without terrifying them, but also how do we do it in a way where we're teaching them to make good decisions, even when there's peer pressure and they don't want to be the weird person that says, I'm not going to take the ride or no, I'm not drinking. I throw a lot at you because there's a lot.
Stacey D. Stewart (04:31.246)
Right. No, that's it. Yeah, no, no, no. It's but you're you're asking all the right questions and touching all the right issues. And I think, you know, Ed Madd, one of the things that we do is provide a lot of information and resources to parents so that parents know how to talk to their kids around the dangers of underage drinking and substance use and then what that can mean in terms of becoming involved in an impaired driving crash. I think it's really important to level set, you know, about There are about 4 ,300 deaths attributed each year to underage drinking in this country. And when you look at, in fact, based on data as of 2021, about 27 % of drivers between the ages of 15 and 20 were killed in traffic crashes and had alcohol present in their system. And so it's really important to understand that these are really serious issues and that if we don't talk to our kids, as soon as we're ready to have that conversation and they're ready to have the conversation, which can be as early as even elementary school, middle school, but certainly by high school, we could be doing our kids a disservice because if they're not engaged in a very positive conversation with their parents, who we know parents are the most influential adults in a kid's life, they may being influenced by some of the wrong things to your point around peer pressure becomes very intense the older that young people get certainly through high school, middle school and high school and into college. so creating those healthy habits is something that's really important. And that's why we created the Power Parents Handbook which is available at mad .org our website. It's available to give parents those tools that they need to know how to talk to kids in healthy and positive ways so that kids understand how to make good decisions and how to make sure that they stay as safe as possible and keep others safe as well.
Dr. Cam (06:34.502)
Yeah, I looked through that. It's beautifully done too. It's really, really cool resource. So I will put the link there and I encourage parents to look at that. Let's pull out a few things. Let's say we've got a tween now, right? So they're not driving yet. Hopefully, well, chances are now they might be starting to be introduced to alcohol. How do we start that conversation at that age? What are some things parents can say or do to really build so that we can build upon that. I'll take it older.
Stacey D. Stewart (07:06.426)
So I think one of the things that the Hamburg tribes have point out is that it's not even what we say, it's also how we say it. So there are certain kinds of parenting styles and approaches that tend to get young people listening and hearing the message that we have to convey, right? You know, some parents, and this is no judgment on parents at all, because we're all just human beings and we're all just trying to do our best, right?
But sometimes that more authoritarian style of like, do what I say and sort of pound the message into the kid and hope they, you know, just kind of seeps into their brain or gets pounded into the brain may work for some kids, but for a lot of kids, it's not proven to be always effective. Or the kind of laissez faire, you know, they'll get it. it'll be fine. And trying to taking it for granted that things will just be okay and I don't really need to be proactive is also probably not the right approach. So the right approach is, you know, I mean, think every parent kind of knows when their kid might be coming into situations where they might be introduced to alcohol or substances. Certainly by middle school and high school, it's really important to kind of sit down with your kids and with a very positive approach, you know, really in a way that's assuming that you trust your young people to make good judgments. Are you know, smart, are growing, you know, young people and want to be independent at the same time. It's really important for parents to understand there is a role for you to be able to say, to help young people understand that substances and alcohol is a substance can be dangerous and to explain how those things can be dangerous, how those things can impair one's judgment, how they can impair your response time and how It's okay when a lot of other kids are doing certain activities. It's really okay to make a choice to say not or to call for help or to reach out for help when you feel like you're in a situation where you may not be able to, you know, get home safely or, or you may be forced to make a decision that you don't want to. It's keeping the communication lines open, making sure that kids and young people know it's really okay to come to the parent, even if you think you've made a mistake.
Even if you think that you're doing something that could be dangerous down the road never hesitating to bring that forward so making sure that those lines of communication are always open I always am amazed at how parents sometimes Will make the decision well Mike I have a bunch of kids over I'm okay if they all drink when I'm here because I'm looking out over them But I just don't want kids going out and drinking well if kids are at your house, then someone else's kid is out drinking at your house. And, you know, the issue for a lot of young people is once they leave the house and they're involved, engaged in some behavior that could be very dangerous for them, you know, how do we make sure that they get home safely? And even though we know that kids are not supposed to be drinking and using substances under the age of 21, they still do. And it still happens It's our responsibility as parents to make sure that not only our kids, but other people's kids are safe too. And we have that responsibility to ourselves and to others.
Dr. Cam (10:33.024)
That is so true and it's such a good point that we're like, well, we're keeping them safe, but you're right. I'm not trusting somebody else to keep my kids safe, so I don't want, they don't need to trust me either. And I think it sends a mixed message too going, it's okay to drink now, but not here. And so that's confusing. let's say we've got, and I see this a lot in my practice. We've got kids that are using substances, they're either drinking or they're smoking. They are doing their very best to hide it from their parents because they know their parents don't want them to and their parents have told them not to do it, but it doesn't change them. It doesn't make them not do it, right? In fact, it just makes them very sneaky about doing it. And so then they make choices. So what do we do if we're in this situation and we find out that our child has been hiding that they've been drinking or doing substances? How do we respond to that when they clearly don't have trust in us enough to tell us?
Stacey D. Stewart (11:31.908)
Yeah, well, you know, those are tough and those happen all the time. And those are situations that so many of us have found ourselves in where we have to confront a young person about their behavior. you know, I think this is one of the things that's really important is this conversation isn't just a one time thing. It's something that should be done, you know, continuously and continuously using opportunities to engage in those conversations. You know, sometimes it's helpful. you know, if you are aware that your young person might be using substances or may be involved in some behavior, it's just to go back to those reminders of what we talked about and how this could be dangerous and just continuing to reinforce those messages. Continuing to reinforce that this isn't about punishment necessarily, although sometimes that may be appropriate given the situation and that's for every parent to decide how they want to do that.
But I do think it's really important to make sure that young people don't feel like there's some sort of punitive consequence necessarily if they just have made a mistake. However, at the same time, they do need to understand that even one mistake can lead to a life altering consequence, either for them or for someone else. So there's a real balance between, look, I understand you may make a mistake here, something may have happened, but please bring them back to
Remember what your options are remember that you don't have to do this remember that and this is another important point is that I think it's really important to understand that some kids are using substances or alcohol because of You know peer pressure things like that. Some kids are really dealing with Actual legitimate mental health issues and a lot of young people are looking for ways to cope with those things and I think it's really important to remind parents that If your kid is involved in using substance for whatever reason, make sure that you're getting them other kinds of help that they may need. You know, that it's really okay to go to a therapist to talk things out or to have a coach. You know, we just introduced a program called Mad Sports because not only are parents really influential in young people's lives, but there are other adults that really young people look up to. And it may be engaging those other adults in that kid's life who you know will be influential, a teacher, a principal you know, someone that a young person, you know, respects and really engages them and asks them for help. Some parents maybe feel uncomfortable asking for help or asking for assistance, but as your kid gets older, your young person gets older, you know, they are looking at other adults in their life. They are looking, they do have mentors. They are other people that they really look up to. And it's really important. It's, you know, there's this phrase, it takes a village. It's really important to engage all those trusted, you know, could be a member of the clergy, you know, it just depends could be an older family member even, that an aunt or an uncle or a cousin who can sit them down and talk to them and get to them in ways that maybe as a parent you can't. And that's really okay. Use all your resources. those would be just some of the things. But I do think continuing the conversation over time and bringing them back to remember some of these situations, making sure you're meeting your young person where they are, right, is really important.
Dr. Cam (14:48.792)
That is key. And while you're talking, I'm kind of like developing this plan or idea in my head that I want to run by you to see if this would work. Cause I want to give parents something really tangible here. So from what I'm hearing, if we're catching and we find out our kids are drinking, probably the not great way to address it is to like get harder, batten down the hatches restrict them from everything and just really get into that authoritarian, you can't do this mode. Because when we do this, we're not addressing why they're doing it and we're disconnecting from them even more, which means our influence is deteriorating even more. Instead, what I'm hearing is, let's go find somebody that they already trust, a coach, a teacher, a mentor, and talk to them and say, hey, I've heard this, is there any, you know, can you have a conversation with them? Then in the meantime, we step back and we start building our connection with them rather than breaking it more. I think with fear, we get this idea that we've got to do something right now. But when we get in that mindset, we make it worse. Do you agree with that?
Stacey D. Stewart (15:55.77)
I would definitely say even if you find other adults, again, our research shows that it's still parents who are the most influential. So it is a both and to your point. I think it's the parents really sitting down with kids and trying to, you know, build on that ability to have that open conversation. You know, some parents have different ways of doing it. Some parents talk about the, you know, the challenges they've had in life and how they you know, have confronted some of same things and how they had to deal with it or how they reached out. And to your point, and the point we're just talking about, and finding potentially other adults who can help reinforce those messages, but having that positive, open conversation that says, look, even if you're dealing with some things, there's nothing that's ever too big that you can't come to me, you can't come to somebody else, and we can get you the help you need. And just reminding people, reminding young people the consequences of all of their actions and decisions, you know. We've talked to so many young people who, you know, have regretted if they've been involved with a crash or they've injured someone or even killed someone. And they have to live with the pain of that over many, many years, not to mention the pain that that family has lost a loved one or had some loved one be injured or have some life altering, you know, outcome. What they're having to deal with, which is devastating. And so, you know, I think, again, we can't take it for granted. The other thing I would say just quickly is that I think a lot of young people do not understand, while MAD started as really primarily focused on alcohol, what we're seeing is a growing trend around what's called poly use, the combination of alcohol and substances. So with legalization of cannabis and commercialization of marijuana, It's really, really important. There are a lot of young people based on some of the surveys we've done who really take it for granted that you can be high in drive and it's okay. Some young people actually believe it helps you drive, that it makes you a better driver. And that just simply isn't true. If you're impaired in any way, whether it's due to alcohol, substances, or could even be prescription drugs, you have to be very careful about it. If you're impaired in any way, it really is important that you step back and, make sure that young people understand that if they're impaired, they should not be driving, that it's okay to leave the car where it is, take an Uber, call me, call a friend, but don't decide to do something that could result in something that's very serious.
Dr. Cam (18:39.31)
Stacey, what you were just saying too, I wanna highlight, because I think this is really important, is that you're finding a plan ahead of time. Because if we're expecting our teen to be in a state and then think logically about what the next safe thing to do and how to get out of that situation, they're not going to. So if you've got a plan ahead of time, rather than saying, don't do it, we're gonna say, we don't want you to do it. We're gonna be clear about that. But if you find yourself in a situation, even if you're not drinking, but your friend is, What can you do in that situation? Let's get the plan in place and let's talk about that plan over and over so it becomes really easy because our goal is to keep them safe, right? What do you think is a good plan to do set up with our team?
Stacey D. Stewart (19:24.558)
Obviously if your teen is going out to a party or going to friend's house, and if you can afford it and if it's available to you, taking rideshare to the destination and making a plan to, to take it back is, is always a good idea. And, know, if you feel like your teen, you know, might find themselves in situation where you think they'll be okay, but you're not quite sure, have a conversation and say, look, Just to be extra safe, why don't we go ahead and make a plan in advance? Or as a parent or adult, let me take you and pick you up now. lot of teens don't want that. They don't want their parents around anything. So ride share can be, Or make a plan to have the older sister or brother or someone who they are not uncomfortable with make that plan. think.
Dr. Cam (20:05.742)
I'm gonna come in and get you.
Stacey D. Stewart (20:20.494)
Sometimes coordinating with other parents on how maybe a group of them will make transportation plans is always really helpful. know, some teens may feel like this is a little intrusive, but I do think it's going to this place of reminding your kids, look, I care about you and I love you. And I just want to make sure you're safe. And I want to make sure that other people are safe. You know, I have had many of those conversations with my own children who are now 19 and 21. And so I've been through many years of dealing with some of these situations. And, you know, I think what I what our power parents information tries to give you is just that it's really important to make sure that you are responding to what your kids are feeling that you're listening to what your kids are experiencing. And maybe your kids will have a plan that they would like to offer of how they plan to get around safely. That's always a really good option. So that you're building their confidence and their ability to use good judgment to your point. Once they're impaired, it's really hard to make good judgments. That's for anybody, especially true for a young person. So the best thing is to not leave it to a debate or a default or an unknown. Go ahead and make a plan in advance. We have a partnership with Uber and Anheuser -Busch called Decide to Ride. It's really geared for more adults, but the theory is still the same if you're going to a football game, make a decision on how you're gonna get there and get home safely so that you're not putting yourself at risk or others. And the same is true, you know, as your kids start to, you know, go through teen years and are becoming more active socially and certainly into college as well.
Dr. Cam (22:06.05)
There's two points that came to mind while you were talking and this is so helpful just to hear it from somebody that's like knows all the data and knows all the facts, right? But I think the one thing is some parents will say, well, if I say, hey, here's what we're gonna do when you're drinking, I'm condoning drinking. What I've seen is that when we actually are saying that, our kids are less likely to drink because we've taken all the fun out of the sneaking behind. Teens have actually told me this.
It's like when my parents understand and help me through it, it's no longer that desire. It's not as fun to do. And the other one is to have them involved in the decision and the plan, because if we just dictate a plan and it doesn't address their needs, like I'm gonna be embarrassed if I do that or they're not gonna do it. But if we involve them and we address what they need, it's much more likely that they're gonna follow through.
Stacey D. Stewart (23:01.188)
think parents to again, I want to underscore this point because there was a recent survey that just came out showing that there is a decline in alcohol use among young people. But in some ways, it's being replaced by other things again, being replaced by substances being replaced by social media and other kinds of things that are the young people are using to deal with some of the normal stresses, anxieties, worries, fears they have in life, right. And again, I think it goes back to that point of you know, they, you know, our young people are dealing with a lot, you know, even through the pandemic, think, we kind of take it for granted the kind of, emotional and mental impact that that had on everybody, but especially on young people. And a lot of young people are still dealing with the aftermath of that. It's, it's not, it's a, it's, these are very serious issues. So I think we have to just remind, ourselves that our kids are still pretty delicate. you know, in terms of their physical development, their emotional, mental, social, emotional development, all of that is very, you know, still at a very delicate stage if they're in middle school, high school, and especially. And so it's really important to be mindful of that. The last thing I just want to say about this too is that, and a lot of parents sometimes don't want to hear this, but I think it's important to say that because parents are so influential, again, it goes back to this point of it's sometimes this,
Don't listen to my words, just watch what I do. And we are sometimes modeling the behavior that our kids pick up on. I was just recently with a friend of mine and stayed at our house for a few days. And she said, you know, I really regret the amount of social activity and coming home after work and the drinks and the wine and all of those things almost on a regular basis. What messages that was sending my own children. about the use of alcohol in the house. And I think we have to just be mindful. Of course, at MAD, we're never telling people not to enjoy yourself. And as an adult, you make decisions that you wanna make and you should. At the same time as parents, we have another role, which is that we influence our kids. And if you want your kids to be influenced in the best and most positive ways, not just don't be mindful just of what you say, but what you do think that becomes a very powerful message as parents of how we communicate and help our kids to be as healthy and as strong and able to make the best decisions possible as they grow older into adulthood.
Dr. Cam (25:42.966)
Yeah, that's incredibly powerful. I think when you're talking about how teens use substances a lot of times to deal with their mental health issues, right, to feel better, do adults. So when we're showing our kids that we turn to substances and alcohol to make us feel better, we're showing them that that's how they make themselves feel better. And I think we don't see ourselves when we do this as innately bad because we're drinking.
So we need to avoid seeing our kids as being bad for drinking and rather going, why are they turning towards to this as a solution? And how do we together find a more healthy, safer solution?
Stacey D. Stewart (26:27.876)
Right. And what's the balance, right? I mean, no one's saying that, you know, drinking, having a drink every once in a while, or is an okay, or any other legal substance may not be okay every once in a while. It's more, you know, if it's on a regular basis, if it's a regular thing in the household, what kind of message is that sending to your point? And how could that be influencing them to make similar kinds of decisions in the future? actually could be dangerous, proved to be dangerous down there.
Dr. Cam (27:00.268)
Yeah, it's about using it as a coping tool rather than having a healthy relationship with it, right? Okay. So, Stacey, what is one thing that you really want parents to take away from this conversation?
Stacey D. Stewart (27:16.726)
I think the most important thing is parents are the most influential adults in their children's life and that there is a very important role that parents play to influence the behavior, the decisions, the way that your children grow and develop. Parents think about that in a number of ways. Parents get tutors for their kids to do well in school. They involve their kids in all kinds of after -school activities because they want other kinds of ways to enrich and develop their children. The kinds of things that parents, and I'm of a generation where issues around mental health and talking about delicate issues in the household weren't things that parents did a lot of, right? So I had to bear the brunt of not having some of the benefit of some of the resources that we're offering to parents right now. But I think it is a reminder that as parents, it is important to have those what might be seen or thought of as somewhat difficult conversations. What's even more difficult is if you don't have the conversation and that leads your child to make some poor decisions in their life that could hurt them or others. That's an even tougher situation and conversation. So the most important thing is make sure that you're proactively working with your young person to listen to them, to develop that positive parenting relationship with them to make sure that you keep those open lines of communication, to make sure that you're modeling the best behavior, to make sure that you understand that drinking and drug driving is still a major issue in this country. And unfortunately, it's affecting far too many young people, some of them even before they're even legally allowed to drink or use drugs. Therefore, getting to your young person as early as possible with these healthy conversations is really important. And that's what MAD is focused on to try to prevent impaired driving in the future, now and in the future. leverage our tools at madd .org. Our parents program is an evidence -based program. It's been peer reviewed. It's been studied. It has proven to work to help kids make better decisions and keep our roads safer. So that's the most important thing.
Dr. Cam (29:34.284)
That is fantastic. will link again to that. And I do really encourage people to look at it as a great, great resource. And thank you guys for providing that. think that's really helpful. So Stacey, thank you so much for jumping on and sharing with us. Yeah, it's wonderful.
Stacey D. Stewart (29:46.404)
Thank you. it's so great to see you. Absolutely. It's great to see you. Thank you for having me.
About the Show:
The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast provides expert advice and practical strategies for parents navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam, an adolescent psychologist, this podcast offers real-world insights to help parents strengthen their relationships with their teens and support their emotional development. Each episode provides actionable tips that make parenting easier and more rewarding. #ParentingTeens #MADD #UnderageDrinking #ImpairedDriving #PositiveParenting
Unlock Teen Motivation: Science-Backed Strategies with Dr. David Yeager
Season 5 · Episode 220
Thursday, March 13, 2025 • Duration 38:59
In this episode, Dr. David Yeager, a psychology professor at the University of Texas, shares groundbreaking insights from his book 10 to 25: The Science of Motivating Young People. He challenges common misconceptions about teen motivation and presents research-based strategies for parents and teachers to encourage teens. Dr. Yeager explains how understanding the teenage brain, using autonomy-supportive language, and practicing "do-overs" can improve communication and motivation.
WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
The science behind motivating teenagers and turning procrastination into action.
Why the teenage brain isn't "incompetent" and how it responds to different stimuli than adults.
How to use autonomy-supportive language to connect with your teen and boost motivation.
The importance of aligning your arguments with your teen’s values.
How to use “do-overs” to repair communication breakdowns and strengthen your relationship with your teen.
5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
Motivate by understanding, not controlling: The teenage brain is wired differently but isn’t "broken." Understanding their perspective and values leads to better motivation.
Autonomy matters: Teens need to feel in control of their choices, so use autonomy-supportive language to encourage responsibility.
Teen emotions are powerful: Harness the intensity of teen emotions instead of fearing them. These emotions can be a source of motivation if managed well.
Communication is key: When communication breaks down, practice “do-overs” to repair the situation and strengthen your relationship.
Don’t fear the challenges: The struggle to motivate teens is not a sign of failure—it's an opportunity to connect and guide them more effectively.
🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW?
Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫
How to Set Healthy Boundaries with Teens: Calm & Effective Parenting Strategies
Season 5 · Episode 211
Thursday, June 13, 2024 • Duration 41:08
Is setting boundaries with your teen, especially around technology and social life, feeling like an endless battle? What if there was a way to establish clear expectations for screen time, curfews, and other hot-button issues without the yelling and power struggles?
In this episode, Dr. Cam Caswell is joined by Tia Slightham, a teacher, entrepreneur, bestselling author, and, most importantly, a mom, who truly understands the challenges parents face. Tia shares proven strategies from her "Parenting With Purpose Method" to help parents achieve peaceful communication and cooperation with their teenagers. Together, they dive into setting clear expectations and boundaries in ways that promote mutual respect—no drama required. If you’re looking to strengthen your connection with your teen while navigating tough issues, this episode is for you!
WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
How to establish clear expectations for your teen without causing power struggles
Why understanding the root causes of behavior is essential for effective parenting
Practical tips for setting boundaries that promote cooperation, not conflict
The Behavior Needs Roadmap: A solution-focused approach to meeting your teen’s needs and teaching life skills
5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
Parenting is a skill set that can be learned and developed over time—it's never too late to improve your relationship with your teen.
Understanding the root causes of your teen’s behavior helps you address the issue, rather than just punishing the symptoms.
Setting boundaries with your teen in advance and involving them in the process leads to mutual respect and cooperation.
Teens crave authentic connection and trust with their parents. Show a genuine interest in their lives, and you’ll strengthen your bond.
Prevent power struggles by creating a respectful relationship where boundaries are clear and communication is consistent.
Connecting with your disconnected teen with Melanie Studer
Season 2 · Episode 123
Thursday, November 18, 2021 • Duration 32:55
If you’re feeling disconnected with your teen this episode is for you.
I’m talking Melanie Prather Studer the author of COLLEGE BOUND The Ultimate List of Conversions to Help Your Teen Through High School and the blog Parenting High Schoolers where she shares real world ideas and solutions for raising teens in today’s world.
Today, Melanie is going to share with us how to create a stronger connection with our teens – even when it feels like they’re pulling away.
FREE STUFF!
If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!
Finding strength in our vulnerability with Fatima Oliver
Season 2 · Episode 122
Sunday, November 14, 2021 • Duration 26:23
If you fear appearing weak and vulnerable in front of people—especially your kids—this episode is for you.
Today I’m talking with Fatima Oliver (@fatima.oliver.79656), wife, mother, and author of the newly released book "The Prescription is in the Dirt"
As a Transformational Coach & Speaker, Fatima’s mission is to help people heal from childhood trauma, heartbreak, abuse, and horrible decision-making using her "Baby Step" approach.
Today, Fatima is going to share with us the power of vulnerability and how it can make us stronger parents.
FREE STUFF!
If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!
Increasing teen engagement in school with Dr. Norrine Russell
Season 2 · Episode 121
Thursday, November 4, 2021 • Duration 27:14
In this episode…If your teen is struggling in school or unmotivated to even try, this episode is for you.
Today I’m talking with Dr. Norrine Russell (@drnorrinerussell) the founder of Russell Coaching. Dr. Russell’s passion for providing support to frustrated students and weary parents is fueled by her own experience of raising two neurologically atypical children with diagnosis of autism, mood disorders, ADHD, giftedness, and learning differences. Dr. Russell knows firsthand the exhaustion parents face as they seek solutions for their out-of-the-box children.
In today’s episode Dr. Russell is going to give us some tips on how to best support and encourage our teens.
FREE STUFF!
Listeners who mention this facebook live segment will receive 20% off the first three months of student coaching with Dr. Russell.
Dr. Cam’s Top 10 Tips for Parenting Teens: www.askdrcam.com/parentingtips
If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!
Turn video game obsession into motivation with Michael Chang
Season 2 · Episode 120
Wednesday, November 3, 2021 • Duration 27:02
If your teen’s video game obsession is driving you mad, this episode is for you!
Today I’m talking with Michael Chang, CEO and Founder @VGCDAcademy and author of the international best-selling book "Video Games Demystified: The Trifecta of Creators, Athletes, and Ecosystem in a Thriving Industry."
As a former marketing leader at Electronic Arts and RockYou, Michael has managed video games generating over $250 million. His company, VGCD Academy, teaches young people the science and business of video games.
Michael is going to teach us how to leverage the love of gaming to inspire teens to become leaders, entrepreneurs, scientists, mathematicians, artists, and more.
FREE STUFF!
If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!
How to Help Your Teen Cope with Johnny Crowder
Season 2 · Episode 119
Friday, October 29, 2021 • Duration 28:09
If your teen is struggling to cope and you’re struggling to help them, this episode is for you.
Today I’m talking to Johnny Crowder (@johnnyxcrowder), Founder & CEO of Cope Notes, about how to combat compassion fatigue and connect with your teen more deeply.
Johnny is a 28-year-old suicide/abuse survivor, TEDx speaker, touring musician, and founder of Cope Notes, a text-based mental health platform that provides daily support to users in nearly 100 countries around the world. Armed with 10 years of clinical treatment, a psychology degree from UCF, and a decade of peer support and public advocacy through NAMI, Johnny’s firsthand experience with mental illness equips him to provide insight into the pains of hardship with authenticity and wit.
FREE STUFF!
• Use coupon code TEEN10 for 10% off any Cope Notes gift subscription for your teen
• Dr. Cam’s Top 10 Tips for Parenting Teens: www.askdrcam.com/parentingtips
If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!
Finding the Fun in Parenting with Joey Mascio
Season 2 · Episode 118
Wednesday, October 27, 2021 • Duration 38:19
If you find parenting more frustrating than fun, this episode is for you.
Today I’m talking with Joey Mascio, Teen Life Coach at Firmly Founded (@joey.firmlyfoundedcoaching) about how to improve your relationship with your teen without changing them and how find more joy together.
Joey is a certified life coach who helps teens and young adults stop letting stress, procrastination, and self-doubt suck all the fun out of being successful. He is a former middle school teacher who spent four years in the on campus suspension room where he started coaching teens. He also has professional training in performance, improv, and comedy.
FREE STUFF!
30-day free trial of the Firmly Founded Teen, a coaching membership designed just for teens @ www.firmlyfounded.com/teen
If you found this episode valuable, please take a quick moment to comment and share. This helps other parents like you find the show. Thank you!!
3 Keys to Connecting with Your Teen with Raquel Borris
Season 2 · Episode 117
Thursday, October 21, 2021 • Duration 28:07
If you’re struggling to connect with your teen, you’ll want to listen to this episode. Today Raquel and I are talking about the three keys to connecting with your teen: communication, compassion, and listening.
Raquel is the Founder of RAQVISION, Creator of Raq The Boat Show, Personal Brand Strategist, Mental Health Advocate and Youth Advocate.
FREE STUFF!
Dr. Cam (00:01.513)
If you're like most parents, motivating your teen to do anything productive can feel like a daily struggle. But what if we could unlock the secret to turning procrastination into action, disinterest into engagement, and resistance into enthusiasm? That’s what we’re going to talk about today. I’m thrilled to be joined by Dr. David Yeager, a professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, renowned for his influential research alongside esteemed colleagues like Carol Dweck, Angela Duckworth, and Greg Walton. In his latest book, 10 to 25: The Science of Motivating Young People, Dr. Yeager dives deep into the science of adolescent motivation. He’s going to share some of his findings with us today. Dr. Yeager, welcome to the show!
Dr. David Yeager (00:46.424)
Thanks for having me. I was a middle school teacher right out of college, teaching sixth through eighth-grade English at a low-income school. I also taught K through eighth-grade PE, meaning I had seven or eight preps a day. I struggled with all the challenges you can imagine—everything from getting third graders to line up for dodgeball to getting seventh graders to read The Once and Future King and The Outsiders, and turn in essays on time. I felt frustrated by the advice I was given by the scientific community and research, which led me to want to do better research. I’ve spent my career trying to conduct applied research that provides parents and teachers concrete suggestions on what to say (and what not to say) based on rigorous experiments.
Dr. Cam (01:49.151)
You’ve definitely piqued everyone’s interest. I’m curious, what was the advice you received earlier that didn’t work?
Dr. David Yeager (02:02.478)
Think back 20 years. The big ideas around motivation for young people were about their traits—some kids are motivated, others aren’t. Some kids are helpless, some are extroverted, others are reserved. Yes, there are individual differences, but that’s not useful for me. I’m not going to give a personality test on the first day of class and say, “Okay, you’re the type who’s just going to sit there doing nothing.” The other advice was abstract and didn’t have experimental backing. It would say things like, “Set a mastery goal” or “Promote intrinsic motivation over extrinsic motivation,” but real life is more nuanced. For example, if someone asked me how to motivate an eight-year-old, I’d say, “I use a lot of Pokemon cards and candy.” With younger kids, you need something to get them over the initial hump. Once they realize success feels good, you can build intrinsic motivation over time. The advice I received was either too simplistic or not useful. I wanted clarity on what to say to make kids more intrinsically motivated or persistent, and that’s what we’ve focused on in our randomized experiments.
Dr. Cam (03:41.47)
I love this and can’t wait to hear more. Let’s talk quickly about why it feels so hard to motivate our teenagers in the first place.
Dr. David Yeager (03:53.74)
A traditional narrative is that something’s wrong with this generation—brainwashed by phones, distracted by political unrest, and so on. While there are differences compared to when we were growing up, I think a lot of the complaints are overstated. For example, think about how much more attention we can give now with technology—like when you’re driving, you don’t have to worry about getting lost because you have Google Maps. We used to spend so much time with physical maps or printing out directions from MapQuest, hoping the printer worked. Sure, there are distractions now, but we wasted a lot of time in the past, too.
Dr. Cam (04:30.849)
Thank God for that! I remember getting lost a lot more.
Dr. David Yeager (04:51.212)
Right? I think a lot of what’s happening now is a net even. Older generations have always complained about younger ones—this goes back to Aristotle and Plato. What I want to focus on is the timeless aspects of the adolescent brain that haven’t changed over the course of hundreds of thousands of years, and how they respond to cultural and technological shifts. Fundamentally, young people’s brains, from the onset of puberty, start craving experiences of status. The feeling of earning a prestigious reputation in the eyes of someone they care about has never felt as good as it does during puberty. On the flip side, the humiliation of being rejected or failing publicly at something important never feels worse. Given the intensity of these emotions, we as parents can’t just tell kids to “get over it.” We have to understand it and figure out how to harness it.
Dr. Cam (06:26.913)
I love this because it speaks to how parents often say, “Well, this is how I was raised, and it worked for me.” But 20 years ago, we didn’t know nearly as much as we know now about the brain and teen development. We know so much more now that can help us avoid some of the trauma many adults are still recovering from. If we can prevent that, why wouldn’t we? Let’s talk about the teen brain. I’m with you—evolution doesn’t change that quickly. The world around teens today has changed drastically, and they’re doing the best they can in this world we’ve created.
Dr. David Yeager (07:42.146)
The most important thing to keep in mind is that there are different metaphors for what the teenage brain is doing. The metaphor we choose shapes how we deal with it. One common view is that young people are neurobiologically incompetent—that the moment puberty strikes, they get a “frontal lobotomy,” can’t plan ahead, can’t reason logically, are short-sighted, impulsive, and selfish. That view goes back to Plato’s Phaedrus, where young people were compared to unruly horses needing to be controlled by a charioteer. Neuroscientists have used this view, partly because it has served as a convenient legal argument for youth offenders. It’s true that kids don’t always think about the lifelong consequences of their actions, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t thinking. They’re just thinking about different things, not long-term self-interest.
The updated view is a neurobiological competence model. Teens are really good at some things—just not what adults expect. The teenage brain is like the R&D engine for our culture. As society and technology change, teens have to adapt quickly and figure out how to succeed in our world—and they do this far faster than adults. What adults may see as a short attention span is often the brain at the frontier of innovation. Think about it: The same adults who complain about kids loitering at the mall might be served by an excellent 16-year-old waiter without even noticing. The teenage brain is paying attention to different things, and once we understand what those things are, we can communicate more effectively, inspiring independence and motivation in young people.
Dr. Cam (10:46.249):
That’s fantastic. It’s so true. Their priorities are different from ours, but that doesn’t make them wrong; it makes them different. My understanding is that the prefrontal cortex is still developing during adolescence, forming connections. So, complex skills like emotional regulation and problem-solving are still being developed. It doesn’t mean they can’t do these things, but they’re primed to learn how to do them better. This is a time for practicing those skills, but we can’t expect them to have it all figured out yet. Is that correct?
Dr. David Yeager (11:28.268):
Yes, that’s mostly correct. The brain’s emotional regulation is an experience-dependent process. Some things, like bone growth from drinking milk, happen automatically, but emotional regulation depends on experiences. You learn to regulate emotions by actually going through emotional experiences. The old model suggested that logical reasoning in the prefrontal cortex dampens the impulsive emotional regions of the brain, but now we know that the emotional areas teach the prefrontal cortex what to care about. Carol Dweck, who developed growth mindset theory, recently published a paper showing that goal-directedness, driven by emotions, guides the brain’s development. Teenagers can focus their cognitive resources when motivated by something important to them, and that experience changes their brain and their mindset. The challenge for us as adults is that when there’s a conflict, it’s often because their goal isn’t to regulate their emotions to meet our demands. Their brain won’t be receptive to our goals unless they perceive them as important.
Dr. Cam (13:53.183):
This ties right into motivation. We’re not saying kids aren’t motivated; they just aren’t motivated to do what we want them to. When we talk about kids being unmotivated or lazy, it’s not that they lack motivation or drive, it’s that they’re focused on things we don’t care about.
Dr. David Yeager (14:18.574):
Exactly. The same parents who complain about their kids not doing homework or practicing the cello will find that their kids are excellent at planning how to sneak out to a party. That’s goal-directed behavior. Teenagers are incredibly good at setting and achieving goals. It’s like watching a 17-year-old Canadian win gold in swimming at the Olympics. Teenagers can absolutely focus when it matters to them, but their priorities are different. Our task as adults is to figure out what matters to them, which often comes back to social reputation or status—not in a superficial way, like social media likes, but in a deep, meaningful way. The question they’re asking is: How am I a valuable contributor in the eyes of people whose opinions I care about? And adults often don’t care about that; they just want compliance. They want kids to listen because we said so. That’s fine when they’re little and we need them to get their shoes on for school, but as they grow, we can’t expect them to simply obey without question. That doesn’t help them be the innovators we need for the future.
Dr. Cam (16:01.181):
It makes so much sense. When we project them into the future, do we want kids who just do what they’re told? We see this now in the workforce, where many complain that kids can’t think for themselves and only do the bare minimum. But it’s not because something’s wrong with them; it’s how we’ve raised them.
Dr. David Yeager (16:25.014):
Yes, we’ve done it to them. The emotional development of the brain is an experience-dependent process. If kids grow up thinking they should listen to adults without question just because they said so, they’ll either stop listening to anyone or, worse, they’ll become compliant without thinking. We’ve seen this problem in society, where people just pick a side and repeat what their team says without engaging in real discussion. What we need are young people who can think critically, consider nuanced alternatives, and apply them in their lives. If we raise kids like that, society will benefit greatly, not just in terms of parenting, but because those kids will become innovators who can solve the world’s biggest problems.
Dr. Cam (17:27.263):
Right. One thing that trips us up is perceiving their attempts to express their opinions or what’s important to them as disrespect. We shut it down and say, “You’re not allowed to say that.” I see this often, and I think it sends a harmful message that their opinion is wrong just because it differs from ours. That creates someone who can’t think independently.
Dr. David Yeager (17:56.118)
Yeah, I think the biggest confusion I see is around the word "respect" or "listen." This is influenced by Rosalyn Wiseman, a thoughtful parenting leader. When parents say "respect," they usually mean unquestioned obedience. When kids say "respect," they mean being heard and valued as real people. Same with "listening." When kids say, "Nobody listens to me," they mean nobody cares about their perspective or why they might have legitimate reasons for being reluctant. What I’d love is to have a shared definition of respect, where people are treated as adult-like humans with independent thoughts and feelings.
The reason adults view it one way and kids view it another is due to the neurobiological incompetence model. If adults think young people can’t think, that they’re impulsive or short-sighted, then why would we care about their opinions? We assume we’ve already figured it out. But if we adopt a neurobiological competence model, where we see young people as adapting to culture before we are, understanding things we don’t yet see, it makes more sense to ask questions, listen, and see where they’re coming from.
Dr. Cam (19:52.37)
I love that. It explains so well that we need to value them as unique individuals with their own minds and needs, not as extensions of us who just need to do what we want. This is where I see a lot of friction between parents and teens.
Dr. David Yeager (20:12.172)
Yeah, there’s a study I talk about in the book where I look at a phenomenon I call "grown-splaining"—kind of like mansplaining, but it’s grown-ups telling kids what to do. The logic behind it is, "If only you would listen to my clear, logical reasons, you’d change." But that doesn’t work. In the study, they recorded moms nagging their teenage daughters and then put the daughters in an fMRI scanner to see what happens in the brain. What they found is that the logical reasoning regions of the brain actually go down. The anger regions go up, meaning the teenage girls are getting more frustrated. But what’s most interesting is that the social cognition regions of the brain, the areas related to understanding the meaning behind what’s being said, were less active.
So when a teenager hears nagging, they’re not processing the reasoning—it’s like the words go in one ear and out the other. But this is situational—it’s about the tone of our voice, how we tell them what to do, and not involving them in the conversation. When we impose our goals and values without their input, they check out. But if we create a different context, we can see much better engagement.
Dr. Cam (22:20.543)
I want to flip this a bit because I can already hear parents asking, "So, should we just let them do whatever they want? Are we always wrong and they’re always right?" They’re worried about things like video games taking over their kids’ lives while homework or chores get ignored. These are real concerns. How do we address that?
Dr. David Yeager (22:45.55)
For sure. The wrong response is to say, "We should have no standards and let the kids run everything." That’s not what I’m suggesting. In my book, I talk about experts who work with young people, like the best manager at Microsoft for 20-year-olds or a top high school physics teacher. I also spoke with a coach who works with teenage NBA draft prospects. What they do is nothing like letting young people run wild. They have incredibly high expectations, but they provide the support for kids to meet those expectations.
What we’ve learned is that there are two ways to get this wrong. One is what we call an "enforcer mindset," where the goal is to enforce high standards and leave the kids to meet them on their own. This can make parents come across as authoritarian—compliance might happen, but it’s not willful. The other extreme is the "protector mindset," where parents focus on protecting kids from distress and low self-esteem, leading to low expectations and kids walking all over them.
The middle ground is the "mentor mindset." In this model, you have very high standards but also high support. This combination helps kids develop into meaningful contributors to society, able to follow rules but doing so because they understand the reasons and internalize the values. It’s not about dictating rules—it’s about helping them take ownership. I’ve seen this in action, and it works. There are many examples and practices from these mentor-leaders in the book, and fortunately, anyone can start applying them.
Dr. Cam (25:24):
So, give us some examples because I think there’s a very fine line to walk here. People really struggle with the difference between mentoring and controlling—or maybe more accurately, micromanaging. I see a lot of micromanaging, where parents think they’re helping and teaching. What’s the difference?
Dr. David Yeager (25:48):
Yeah. Well, I think if you hold a high standard for things like personal conduct—like cleaning your room or helping around the house—young people will complain. They don’t want to do those things. And the easiest way to stop the complaints is to just lower the standard. "Okay, fine, I’ll do it," right? I have four kids, so I get that. But sometimes, when we hold the standard, it turns into a shouting match. And we’re left thinking, “Who have I become?”
What I’ve learned is a couple of things. One is that a big reason for complaints is that we’re often not transparent about why we’re holding the standard. We might just say, “Do this,” and when they ask why, we say, “Because I said so.” We don’t explain. But explanations show respect. If I asked you to do something for me without giving a reason, I’d come across like a jerk. I’d be manipulating you. But we talk to teenagers this way all the time, which would be totally inappropriate with other adults. The problem is that we still think they’re children, and they think they’re adults. So, there’s this two- to three-year gap in communication. They feel talked down to, and we feel like we’re being appropriate.
So, sometimes, you can ask for the same thing but be clear about your intentions. Show them how what you’re asking will help them become a better person or contribute to their happiness. Transparency is one simple step. Another, a bit harder, but very important, is questioning. Instead of just telling them, try asking for their perspectives. Avoid questions like, “What were you thinking?” because that implies they weren’t thinking. Instead, show curiosity by asking authentic questions that invite them to share their reasoning. When you do this, they feel respected and heard, and they’ll often start telling you what you want.
I’ll tell you, a lot of this comes from negotiation tactics, like those used in hostage situations. Sometimes talking to a teenager about going to a party feels like a hostage negotiation! And it turns out, the same tactics that work for negotiating with hostages also work with teenagers.
Dr. Cam (28:51):
That’s so true. The power of empathy and validating their feelings is key. We struggle with this because some people confuse it with agreeing with them. It doesn’t mean agreeing with their anger or frustration—it just means acknowledging that their feelings are real, which is non-negotiable. What they feel is what they feel.
Dr. David Yeager (29:08):
Exactly. Dr. Becky has a great phrase: the "most charitable interpretation." When your teenager does something frustrating, pause and try to think, “What’s the most charitable possible interpretation of this behavior?” Often, their behavior is just their way of seeking status and respect, either from you or from their peers. If you start with curiosity, trying to understand what they want, it doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. But understanding them puts you in a better position to negotiate.
The problem with negotiations is offering something they don’t want. If you understand what they want, you can offer a deal they’re more likely to accept. That’s often what it’s like talking to teenagers.
Dr. Cam (30:03):
I tell parents all the time, you might be offering a solution, but you’re solving for your problem, not theirs. Then, when they don’t agree with it, you get upset. That happens a lot. So, I know parents are still wondering, “How do we actually motivate them to do their homework?”
Dr. David Yeager (30:21):
Well, there’s 380 pages in the book on this! But I’ll say there are different reasons why they don’t do their homework. Sometimes it’s because the homework feels too hard, and they fear failure. They worry that trying hard will just expose their lack of ability, which is the fixed mindset in action. Another reason could be time pressure. If the homework is due the next day, they feel overwhelmed—racing heart, sweaty palms. That’s anxiety.
In one paper I published in Nature a few years ago, we reframed difficulty. We showed that difficulty actually means you’re doing something ambitious. It’s a sign you care about something important. And those physical symptoms—the racing heart, the sweaty palms—are actually your body mobilizing resources to help you perform better. Your body sweats to cool itself down, and that helps you think more clearly. Your heart races to get oxygenated blood to your brain, which helps you think faster. So, reframing anxiety as excitement can help.
There are other reasons they don’t do homework, like not seeing the point, but I cover those in detail in the book, with practical tools.
Dr. Cam (32:16):
That’s great. So, let’s break it down into the three key takeaways for parents—things they can use to connect better and understand their teen.
Dr. David Yeager (32:37):
Sure. The three main takeaways I’d suggest are:
Tone and word choice matter in tough conversations. The difference between autonomy-supportive language and controlling language is huge. For example, saying “You might consider” or “Have you thought about this?” is autonomy-supportive. Saying “You should do this” or “You must do this” is controlling. Tiny changes in how we phrase things can make a big difference.
Align your argument with their values. Often, we try to get them to care about things that don’t resonate with them. But there are values they care about that can align with your goals. For example, instead of saying, “You need to do your homework so you can get into a good college,” say, “This homework will help you build skills that you’ll need to solve real-world problems.” You can connect what they’re doing to a value they care about.
Give yourself do-overs when you mess up. We’re all raised in a culture that’s been getting teenagers wrong for a long time. Don’t expect yourself to get it perfect every time. But it’s not like a failure that you can’t recover from—there are endless do-overs. I’ve started telling my kids, “I didn’t handle that the way I should’ve. I should have asked you about your reasons for not doing it. Can you share that with me, so we can figure it out together?” When you do that, they often forget the initial frustration, and you’re able to work through things together. Those do-over conversations get easier and faster over time.
Dr. Cam (35:54):
And those are great things to model for our teens. When we do it, they’ll start doing it for us. Most of the time, that’s what we’ve been trying to get them to do anyway! When we take control of ourselves and how we show up, everything changes. I could talk to you for hours more—there’s so much more I want to ask you. This has been so enlightening and interesting. But how can people find you, and tell us about your book?
Dr. David Yeager (36:25):
The book is called 10 to 25: The Science of Motivating Young People. If you care about or know anything about young people ages 10 to 25, this book is for you. We want to stop the miscommunications and frustration that cause so much tension between generations. It’s available at Barnes & Noble, Amazon, and Simon & Schuster. You can also get bulk discounts if you want to buy it for all your friends. I’m on LinkedIn, and you can find me through the University of Texas at Austin, where I have a professor website.
Dr. Cam (37:06):
What are you researching?
Dr. David Yeager (37:10):
I’ve always focused on kids in school—how they transition from middle school to high school, high school to college. Now, we’re thinking about the workforce. Are 20-year-olds entering workplaces where the managers know how to motivate them? And what about the 70% of kids who don’t go to four-year colleges? Do they have bosses who understand what young people need in terms of status and respect? Or are they stuck with bad jobs and bad managers? We’re looking at alternative pathways to the workforce, regardless of college education, and trying to help managers understand how to inspire and motivate young people.
Dr. Cam (38:02):
That’s amazing! And when they’re inspired, their employees thrive. Thank you so much for joining me today. I really appreciate it.
About the Show:
The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam
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RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
FREE Guide: Connect in Just 10 Minutes a Day
FREE Guide: How to Stop Yelling
EPISODE CHAPTERS:
00:00 - Parenting as a Skill Set
03:15 - Understanding the Root Causes of Behavior
07:39 - Setting Boundaries with Mutual Respect
10:46 - The Behavior Needs Roadmap
14:21 - Navigating Challenges: Phone Usage
27:20 - Engaging with Teens in Their Interests
31:37 - Building Trust and Connection through Small Conversations
34:07 - Preventing Power Struggles through Trust and Boundaries
37:40 - It’s Never Too Late to Make Change
Hey parents, is setting and keeping boundaries with your teen a constant battle, especially around technology and social life? You're not alone. But what if there was a way to establish clear expectations for screen time, curfews, and other hot button issues without the yelling and power struggles? That's what we're talking about in today's episode. I'm joined by a leading parenting expert, Tia Slightham. Tia, a teacher, entrepreneur, bestselling author, and most importantly, a mom, understands the challenges parents face.
She's going to share some proven strategies from our parenting with purpose method to help you achieve peaceful communication and cooperation from your teenager. Tia, welcome to the show.
Tia Slightham (00:41.153)
Thanks for having me, yeah, mom of teens, so I definitely get it.
Dr. Cam (00:44.022)
Woohoo! Yes, me too. So we live this every single day. I think it's important to know what people are going through. Not at all. So Tia, what inspired you to become a parenting coach?
Tia Slightham (00:48.545)
Thank you. Yeah, and they're not alone. They're definitely not alone. I know, people ask me this all the time and it's so funny because we're talking to our teen boys right now who are 15 and almost 13. You know, what are you interested in? What do you want to be when you grow up? And to be honest, a lot of times we just don't know what we want to be when we grow up. And so when I was younger, I knew I always wanted to work with kids. I used to take my cabbage patch doll to the movie theater and feed it and burp it and need to leave the movie to go change it. My mom would have to get up with me so I could change the diaper. I mean, I was serious. I was dead serious about being a mom and working with kids. I just always loved kids. And so I started my journey as a kindergarten teacher. I had my master's in early childhood education and I absolutely loved it. I loved all those little five -year -olds and a lot of people hated being kindergarten teachers, but I loved it. And as time went on, I never knew that I would fall into this parent coaching role. It just happened. I ended up having kids of my own. I met my husband. I'm from the States. He's from Canada.
I moved to Canada, I wasn't legal to work, so I could no longer teach, and then I ended up becoming a mom, and again was fascinated by the fact that I loved being a mom. I loved the baby stage, I loved the toddler stage, but those around me, just like the kindergarten teachers, were struggling. They didn't love it. They were exhausted, their kids weren't sleeping, there were tantrums and meltdowns, and everything felt really hard. And I really reflected on why classrooms fantastic year after year and why are my two boys so great to be around? What am I doing that other people aren't doing? And that's when I really realized parenting is so much a skill set and not something that's intuitive and you're not supposed to have it figured out. And if you don't have it figured out, it's okay. Don't beat yourself up, but you are capable of learning the skills. And I just became super passionate and I built my business and I love what I get to do every day.
Dr. Cam (02:53.462)
It's so important to realize it is a skill set and just because we don't have them now doesn't mean we can't get them. And guess what? Raising a teenager is a whole new skill set. It is not. The skills we used and developed earlier on don't work anymore. In fact, they backfire. And so now we got a whole new skill set to develop.
Tia Slightham (03:15.777)
Yeah, it's really understanding. I always say to parents why the behaviors are happening in the first place, whether they're toddlers or teens. If you don't know why they're back talking, why they're pushing back, why they're resentful or in revenge mode, and you're just trying to force them to stop doing those things instead of going to the root of the why, it doesn't matter the age of your child, you're always going to struggle. So learning that skill set to understand why is so critical.
Dr. Cam (03:44.15)
Tia, let's get into this because I mean, I work with parents as well and it seems so easy to say to do that. And yet I see time and again, parents, even after we've had a whole conversation about it, fall right back into the blaming their kid, you need to do this, that attitude is bad, that's not okay, you just need to stop. And it just escalates so quickly.
How do we change our mindset from a, I don't accept that behavior from my kid, that's not okay, I just have to put an end to it, to a, I need to understand this behavior if I'm actually going to find a solution to stop it.
Tia Slightham (04:26.145)
I was actually just doing a training before this and we were talking about the idea that insanity, the definition is doing the same thing over and over, but it not working and not getting any different results. That's parenting. Literally we're just parenting, doing the same things over and over, hoping our kids are gonna change.
Dr. Cam (04:36.534)
Yeah, that's also parenting. We do. Getting mad at them for not changing even.
Tia Slightham (04:47.905)
Yes, and saying, I told you 92 times, you obviously speak English, we're both logical here, you know better, but they still don't do what you ask them to do. And what I always say to parents is that it's not about that simple tip or trick that you listen to on a podcast or a video or YouTube or in a parenting book. It's all the pieces of the puzzle. And so when we say, we go to bed at night in tears, tomorrow I'm not gonna yell, tomorrow I'm gonna be calm, tomorrow I'm gonna show up and really respond to my kids without reaction. You mean that, you want that, but it's not possible to do without all the pieces of the puzzle. And so inside, when I work with parents inside my coaching program, I've developed a system known as the behavior needs roadmap. And this is BNR for short, but it's helping parents differentiate and determine have I met the needs for my kids from a basic standpoint of sleep, nutrition, security, transitions? Have I met the needs from an emotional standpoint? Are my kids power and attention buckets or cups full each and every day? Do I know how to do that? And most importantly in the third box, do I have the skills needed to parent with discipline and not punishment? So, I know it's such a big one.
Dr. Cam (06:07.094)
People struggle between even separating those two. I think we all, consequences too, like I feel like consequences is now this new word that we use to say we're not punishing it, but it's punishment. Let's be real, because we only do negative consequences. So it's another form of punishment.
Tia Slightham (06:23.137)
Yeah, if you don't know how to set them up properly, for sure you're falling back into the punishment trap.
Dr. Cam (06:28.342)
This is one of the biggest challenges. And I know when you go into these different areas, and I think one of the struggles that we have is when our kids become teenagers, what fills their power and need and behavior buckets is very, very different than it was when they were little. And we keep trying to do what we did when they were little and don't understand why they're getting angry and upset and not listening and ignoring us and talking back and giving a slip and that's not okay. So how do we establish boundaries if we're not punishing them when they break them?
Tia Slightham (07:10.881)
So the idea is that we want to teach our kids to do better next time. And we actually have to teach our kids how to do better next time. We want to stop the unwanted behavior. All those things are facts. But the challenge is typically our child has an unwanted behavior and our mindset and our paradigm is do something wrong, you need to suffer. Do something wrong, you need to learn a hard lesson. And a lot of that's because that's how we were raised and we don't know any different.
But if we really step back and we say to ourselves, has there ever been a time in your life where another adult, a boss or a partner or a friend yelled and screamed at you or got mad at you or threatened you and you stood up and were like, yeah, you know what? Tomorrow I'm going to do better. I'm going to change.
Dr. Cam (07:54.23)
I feel so motivated and I love that boss so much. I respect that boss so much. No. Yeah.
Tia Slightham (07:58.753)
Yeah, I want to really do well. Yeah, we don't we say screw you. I don't like you. You're an awful person. I don't want to be around you. And now that's what we're doing with our parenting to our kids. We're yelling and we're demanding and we're overpowering. And then we want them to show up and do better, but we're not actually setting them up to do better. And we're not teaching them any skills to do better. So the key is that when we set boundaries and this is a tricky thing for parents too. We usually say boundaries, we don't set boundaries and when we say boundaries we've repeated ourselves 92 times and yes they speak English and yes maybe they heard us one of the 92 times but we're not setting boundaries and in order to set boundaries in a way that's not punishment so that we're having mutual respect is to do everything in advance.
So the idea isn't that your kids come home and you just now get to say, you do your homework or you're not gonna have any TV time. That's you calling all the shots. That's you overpowering your kids and your kids saying, screw you. But if in advance you set a boundary and I think about it as three key parts. One, identify what your boundaries are. Like what do you really want that situation to look like? What do you need your kids to do from start to finish and lay those out, bring your kids on board, especially with teens and older kids, you know, sitting down with them and saying, hey, I need you to come in the door and we need to do homework first before we move to our devices. So how much time do you think you need? 30 minutes or 40 minutes? 40 minutes or an hour? Like give your kids some power, give them some control. Sit down with them, have a conversation, lay out the plan and teach, train and practice for number two. And I know sometimes parents are like, well, my teens don't really need to practice. My teens understand what I'm saying.
When I say teach, train and practice, I mean, you've got to pretend like they don't speak your language. Like they're coming from another country and you've got a foreign exchange student and you're going to walk through that plan because otherwise your boundaries are in your mind. They're not on the table and you're expecting your kids to do what you want them to do without really showing them. And then the third part for boundary setting is what is your follow through when they don't do that plan what happens when you set it up that way. What we've done is we've said, great, we've got a plan. We're on the same team. We're on the same page. When you do X, Y can be the outcome, which you love. Or when you choose not to do X, Y is not available, but it's totally in your court. You get to decide. Now it's not us saying, well, you didn't do your homework. You don't get this. We actually have a plan in place and we're giving our kids autonomy and power and independence to do what feels good so they like the outcome versus not.
Dr. Cam (10:50.582)
There's so much important stuff about this and it sounds very logical hearing it. And I think what happens is people go, okay, and then they go home and they're like, I don't understand. So let's walk some like, walk through some very common situations where parents struggle to establish and even more so enforce or maintain boundaries. So a big one is using the phone, particularly with teenagers using the phone at night or too much. How do we set a boundary around the phone where we're not going to have a power struggle and fight every single night?
Tia Slightham (11:32.065)
So yes, we have to talk about that. But before we even get into that, we have to remind ourselves if we haven't learned how to avoid the punishments and we're still yelling and taking things away and engaging in power struggles and trying to over control your child, when you go to set that boundary, they're not gonna wanna follow through for you. They're not gonna wanna respect you. And so that's where all the pieces of the puzzle are so critical and looking at that behavior needs roadmap to set your child up for success so they can cooperate in those moments is critical. So if you take what we're talking about today, if you're listening and you try and implement and you're like, but it didn't really work the way I wanted it to work, ask yourself, do I feel like I'm still punishing? Am I still engaging in power struggles? Because then that's where we wanna dig deeper and do some work. Surface implementations are tricky if we don't have those root things resolved, okay?
Yeah. And people will often go, I tried it once, it didn't work. So I'm going back to the way that I've been doing it for years. That doesn't work. And it's been making things worse. So I think it's not going to likely work the first time for multiple reasons. First of all, you're still developing the skill, so you're not great at it. And second of all, your teen also has habits that need to break and they're used to it. And they have to trust you. They have to trust you. And right now they don't. They don't trust you because maybe you live in what we call the gray zone, where sometimes you give in and sometimes you don't. Sometimes you yell and sometimes you don't. Sometimes you're patient, sometimes you're not. And so our kids have a hard time trusting us. And because they're born with those two predetermined jobs to please you and to push boundaries until boundaries are found, if you're in the gray zone and you're inconsistent with your boundaries, of course, you're not going to be able to do that they're pushing you and pushing you. So it takes time to keep setting and setting boundaries consistently so we can build that trust back.
Dr. Cam (13:26.518)
What's important here too, and what I think is very different with teenagers as well is those boundaries, we have to be very, very clear, even to ourselves, because all us parents, and they can't explain why that boundary is there at all. I'm like, well, if you can explain it, how are you teaching your teen why that's a necessary boundary? And now they don't trust you because they don't understand why that boundary just feels like control, nothing else.
We need to be clear and we also need to continuously adapt as our kids shows, I'm okay in this boundary because we're learning them. So let's go now, we've laid out that. So now let's go. Our teen, we have told them over and over again, do not use your phone at night. And it is either I take it away and they get really upset or I don't take it away and they look at it all night long. How do I establish this boundary without a fight every night?
Tia Slightham (14:21.409)
Yeah, so we're going to go back to that three step plan and let's like put that in play. So we need to identify, we call it three C's boundaries. So yes, you mentioned it being very clear. We call it concrete, clear and consistent. What are those three C's boundaries that we need our kids to follow? So I use my own kids for an example, 15 and almost 13. My fifth, they're both into Snapchat and all the things and they want to be on their phone and I want them to socialize and I want them to be able to create their own social plans. And I think all of that is positive when we have boundaries around it. And so in our house, our boundaries that are concrete, clear and consistent are, you know, I know where each of them plug their phones in at night and where that is out of their rooms downstairs. I need their iPads and their computers, invisible site the top of the stairs so that I'm not searching for them and when I see them sitting there and the phones are plugged in, we're good. We've got our plan in place. I don't want any devices in their rooms after a certain time. My 15 year old has a different time than my almost 13 year old. We've sat down, we've had the conversations about where those devices need to go, what time those devices need to come out, that I'm not going to give reminders for the devices. If I just don't see it at the top of the stairs, I'm not searching for it. That means I'm assuming it's in your room.
So we're really putting the control on our kids to say, do I have the self -management skills to put the things where they need to go? Can I handle these devices? Can I handle having boundaries around these devices? And then letting them know in advance what will happen when those devices aren't in those right spots. Or you come out of your room 10 minutes later than we talked about that it's an automatic, this is what will happen, we don't even need to talk about it because they know and I know. This is where you decrease the yelling and the anger and the you're taking things away from me, you're trying to control me. When you set it up like this, because it's now, shoot, you're right, I did come out of my room 10 minutes late. Shoot, you're right, I didn't plug my phone in. Instead of you doing everything to your kids, they're making choices for themselves. And then for us, our follow through is that when those things don't follow through, then the next day, we're a tech -free day. You can take your computer to school for when you need it, but you know what? I'll keep your phone for the day. It's a want to have, it's not a need to have. I know you love it, but it'll just be mine for the day and we'll reset. If parents are really struggling, their kids are like, well, I don't care if I lose it for a day. And we have to really think about what they're motivated by. If your kids, most of them are motivated by device and not to have it for a day is a bummer. But if they're not then you need to look at what their true motivation is when you set up your follow through or your positive discipline consequence. Does that make sense?
Dr. Cam (17:10.998)
Completely. And I think the other thing, and I want to get your opinion on this because I think one of the things I see that happens a lot is when we set that boundary up or that rule up, we set it up based on our perspective and our need and our solution. And especially when kids are older, if we're not taking into account their needs and they're a solution that actually works for them, a lot of times our solutions are counter to what their needs are, they're not, they're going to have a fit. They're not going to listen. And then it sounds like, this kid's a pain in the butt and he just wants what he wants. But he does want what he wants. We all want what we want. But if he's getting that upset, he's not getting something really important. It could be, yes, the phone, but what is it about the phone that's so important? And we need to understand that, right?
Tia Slightham (18:05.569)
Yeah, we have to see things from their perspective. And that's where I say involve your kids in your conversations when you're setting the boundaries. So my kids have always gone to bed early and way earlier than all their friends because I know how important sleep is. And I know that they show up and they listen and they cooperate and they do well at school and they feel better when they get to sleep. And a lot of times our teens don't think they need sleep. But if you're waking your kids up every single morning for school and dragging them out of bed they are not getting enough sleep and a lot of your power struggles are stemming from that need not being met on that roadmap. So a lot of times what happens is we are, we're setting boundaries for what our kids need, because we actually do, I mean, I hate to say it, but we know a little bit more than them, but it's not maybe what they want. And so when we think about what they want versus what they need. That's where we need to meet them in the middle a little bit. And that's where communication is key. And if we're really engaging in power struggles and anger with our teens, they're not gonna wanna open up to you. They're gonna feel overpowered or they're gonna be in trouble or you're gonna take something away. So if I look at Hudson, who's my 15 year old and we talk about what happened with their early bedtimes, he came to me and he said, mommy, I am, he still calls me mommy though, but mommy, I am 15 and I think I could stay up a little bit later.
I think I could and I don't want to sneak my device, but I do want to stay up a little bit later. What do you think? And I thought, you know what? Thank you for coming to me. Let's talk about it. What, what do you think? I think, why don't you, you know, bring your device out around 10 or 1015. You decide some nights we might have to do it earlier if we've had some big function happening, but for the most part that should work. And as long as it's out on the landing at 10 or 1015, let's do that. Does that feel good? Yeah, I like that. Okay, great.
So little brother doesn't know that's happening. He goes to bed, he's fine. And big brother gets to have that independence and autonomy. But I had to think about, yeah, he does want to stay up a little later. He can manage that. And I want him to know he can come to me and I'm going to work with him within reason. Now the conversation was, if we start to see, you know, spiral in schoolwork, you're feeling exhausted, you're really irritable and moody and you can't really handle it.
We might need to back it back up. So these are the things I'm looking for. So he knew it's worked out great. It's been fantastic. He feels heard. I feel seen. Everybody's happy.
Dr. Cam (20:29.174)
It's important that we're including the kids in this. And I know there is still people holding very strongly to kind of the beliefs of what were when we were younger. Like, I'm the parent, I'm the authority, I don't need to deal with whatever you have to say is not important. I know best, I'm just gonna take it. It's okay to do that if you are okay with the fact that you're not gonna have a connection, they're gonna fight back, and you're not gonna actually teach them any skills. That's fine, like go for it. But I think it's really important to realize we know now because we've evolved, just like physical health and everything else, we've learned so much more on how to take care of ourselves and how much better to interact with our kids to teach them the skills.
I want to throw that out there because I know there's people that are just not even open to it and it's going to take time. But one of the things I think parents really struggle with with this when it comes to boundaries is that line between being like the authority and this is it and just listen to me and being passive and just going, okay, whatever you need, we're just going to listen to you. And we kind of...
pendulum swing between the two and neither work well. How do we find this middle? What does a boundary look like in the middle?
Tia Slightham (21:57.601)
So we're kind of we're stuck in what we call either being the overpowering tiger where your kids need to listen to you because you said so or the wet doormat where your kids just walk all over you and you're right neither of them work and then we want to get to that positive discipline parent where we have mutual respect and so the boundary looks like we talked about in advance, bringing your kids on board, having conversations with them, hearing out what they need, what their wants are, meeting them in the middle where it makes sense, building that open line of communication so you're not just saying it's this way or the highway, but really bringing them on board. And I think what happens is parents are afraid to bring their kids on board because they're afraid they're going to lose control. But what we don't realize is we've already lost control if you're yelling and screaming and trying to force your kids.
Dr. Cam (22:51.098)
And like you said, we're not actually teaching them any skills or we're teaching even worse, we're teaching them the skill of here's how you get what you get your way. You yell and scream until we give in. And that is not a great skill to take out into the world. Like that's what we're teaching.
Tia Slightham (23:09.185)
Yeah, and if you think about Hudson with his iPad, there were a lot of skills that were taught. He was taught that when he does the things that we talk about and we build trust, he gets more independence, he gets more freedom, more time on his phone, that he's managing the clock and watching that on his own, even if he's in the middle of something that he's enjoying, that he can have that freedom. He's learning that when I choose not to do that Gosh, things don't work out the way that I want them to work out, but when I make a better choice, it does. Whereas if you just yell and scream and take the device and say, that's it, you're done, I've already asked you 92 times to get off of it, we actually didn't teach any of those things.
Dr. Cam (23:47.878)
Right. And we actually just made them want it more. So now it's just become an even more desirable thing and we've become the enemy. So I think...
Tia Slightham (23:57.633)
And part of them wanting it more is the fact that they're looking for something and someone to bond and connect with. And with teens, I know as a teen mom, it's very scary, the internet and phones, and they're talking to people from all over in different schools. And the idea is that if we don't build a strong bonding connection with our kids where they feel like they trust us and they can lean on us and they're not afraid of us they're gonna look for that in other places that are not healthy places. And so I think our kids who are so addicted to phones, it's because they're missing a really strong bond and connection with their parents. And I know a lot of parents are probably saying right now, well, my teen wants nothing to do with me. My teen doesn't wanna talk to me. They don't like me. They say they hate me. They want to connect with you so desperately, but they don't know how. And as parents, we have to say, I'm not gonna wait around for my teen to figure out how to make this right. They are the child. I need to figure out how to make this right.
Dr. Cam (24:58.422)
We know nothing else works without connection and trust. It just doesn't. Like you know, it does not work without it. And trust is not something you can say, hey kid, trust me. That does not work. I've never seen that work, nor respect. Fear and respect, not the same thing, right? Trust and respect is something that you earn and grow over time. And how we do that is by trusting and respecting them which a lot of parents just don't feel comfortable doing. So explain to me a little bit on how do you start building that trust with a kid that right now wants nothing to do with you and has no trust in you and you do not trust anything they say or do either. Because I hear this a lot.
Tia Slightham (25:51.713)
Hmm. Yeah. So we have to start small and we have to remove the pressure. So a lot of times what we think is that we talk about how our kids need to be connected to us, but more so than anything, we also really need to be connected to our kids. Parents feel so down and sad and regretful and shame and empty when you don't feel like you have a relationship with your kids. So as much as they need us, we also need them. And so we have to remember, look at the whole picture and say, gosh, we've been in this combative state. Like I wouldn't want to hang out with me either. Like I wouldn't want to really be my friend right now either. So how can I dip my toe back in and sort of open things up with them? So we've got to get to a place where I always say to parents, start working on one area. So if you're going to start setting boundaries, choose one area. It's morning routines, it's devices. Maybe it's coming home from school and your homework routines. You're not going to fix everything at once or not ripping the carpet out. So choose one area that you might want to focus on when you start to build those boundaries, but at the same time, build your relationship. So what I mean is we do what's called golden time. It's like a five ingredient formula and every, you know, psychologist and doctor and teacher and parenting expert does some sort of form of this where they want you to spend quality time with your kids. I mean, it makes perfect sense. So I want you just to carve out, even if it's five minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes. where you show interest in your teenager. And that interest might be where you say, can you show me, let's do that TikTok dance together. Like I'm terrible at those things. My rhythm is not what my 13 year olds is. But you know what? It's pretty fun to sit down and do it together and they giggle with you and they laugh at you. It might be, hey, let me play that NASCAR game with you and show me, how do I even use this remote? Show interest in what they're interested in because most of the time what they think is the things they like are the things we hate, the things we don't want them on, the things we don't want them to do. And so they feel no connection or sort of a sense of alignment with us. So I want you to think about engaging with them in something that they're interested in. They will be so pleased to see that you are interested in something they're interested in.
Dr. Cam (28:10.294)
There are several points I just want to reiterate because it's so important. The first one is they do want to connect with you. I mean, years and years and years of talking to teens, every single one wants a connection with their parent, but not in the way that we're insisting we have it. I think that's part of it is that they want a connection with us in a real authentic connection, not in a mom and dad define what we do, what it looks like, how I have to act, when you define everything and it's a controlled situation that fits your needs, your kid wants nothing to do with it. So if you want to connect with your teen exactly what you said, be interested in what they're interested in. It is like magic. Magic. my gosh.
Tia Slightham (28:57.473)
their eyes will light up. They will look at you like you have nine heads. Like, what? you're interested in this?
Dr. Cam (29:04.918)
It's so fun and I love talking to teens and you just kind of throw out different ideas and just see what lights them up. It's just like you said, it's like throw a few things out and you'll see because they'll latch onto it and then they can just go when you find the right thing.
Tia Slightham (29:17.441)
Hmm, something as simple as would you like to walk to Starbucks? You know, like it's amazing the conversations I have when I take the dog and I invite one of my kids and say, let's walk to ice cream or walk to Starbucks. Like maybe it's, maybe it's ice cream. If they're not interested in Starbucks, most of the kids are like, yeah, let's go do that. but we've got to get to a place where they feel like when they go for that walk, it's not going to be your opportunity to corner them into all the things they're doing wrong, but it's just a free flowing conversation and once you start, a lot of times people will say, well, my teens shut down. My teens won't open up. My teens don't want to talk, but we're not giving them the right place and time and environment to allow them to open up. Last night we were at dinner, the four of us and both my boys are really getting into the girls and the dating and this is a whole new world for me. So I brought up with my younger one, how so and so doing? And he said, well,
I actually want to talk to you when you tuck me in tonight because we have really good chats then and I said, is it kind of private? And he said, yeah. And I said, okay, let's talk about it then. I thought how amazing that he knows what time of day is going to be a time that he can kind of off leash his thoughts and his feelings and come to me for advice and an ear to listen. And so it might be car rides for some kids. I always say before bed is a great time. My kids love their backs scratched. I lay down and scratch their back. We talk for a few minutes. It's not a, I'm not singing songs anymore and I'm not reading fairy tales. I wish I was, but we're scratching backs and we're talking, but they know that there's times on the walk or before bed that it's going to be a one -on -one opportunity for them to feel safe. And I think as parents, we need to carve out those times, whether you have younger kids or teens so your kids know that you're available and that you really want to be with them.
Dr. Cam (31:08.374)
Yeah, this requires a lot of patience because parents may listen and go, okay, today I'm going to invite them to Starbucks and this is going to be great. Chances are great that they might say no, that if they even said yes, they're not going to say a word to you. That is okay. You've made the first step. Keep inviting them. Keep having really teeny short little blips of conversations where it doesn't go south fast. Right?
Tia Slightham (31:20.641)
Yes And don't make it personal when they shut you down.
Dr. Cam (31:39.894)
No, not at all. Not at all. And I think that's what's really hard too, is it's very, very difficult for us to not take it personally. We're like, my gosh, what it... And it is, it's a matter of they are very concerned about our judgment. They are very concerned about getting our approval or not getting it. And so it's easier just to not do anything than to risk getting a disappointed look or lecture. And I think we get stuck there a lot.
Tia Slightham (32:10.145)
Yeah, and when you start, if they take an inch and they come in and they allow you to go for that walk or they just remind yourself that just listening is like the best thing you can do in that moment. You don't have to give your opinion. You don't need to come in hard and strong. Just listen. And it's amazing what they'll start to open up with when you just keep trying, pressure free, keep inviting, keep carving out time and keep your ears open.
Dr. Cam (32:40.406)
I want to circle this back to the boundaries and the power struggles and just be very help people tie what we're talking about to that. The whole point of this is when we have those trusting, respectful relationships with our kids and we set boundaries with them for their safety and we're clear with them, they don't fight back to that point. They may say, I disagree and can we listen and you talk about it and you figure it out, but you don't have those knockout, drag down power struggles anymore because they trust you. So building those relationships, that is what removes the need for the power struggles and the need for the frustration. They're not listening to me.
Tia Slightham (33:35.329)
Because deep down the why behind the behavior, why they're power struggling so much is those power and attention needs, that relationship, that bond is not met. Or our parenting is inconsistent and we're gray. Or we're giving in sometimes, or we're yelling, or we're overpowering. So all of those little pieces are why they give you such a hard time when you try and set a boundary. And when we can start to build that relationship and that trust, they're not doing it to get back at you anymore. It no longer becomes about you and your child. It becomes about the phone or the homework or the issue that you're dealing with. Whereas right now, for most parents, it's about you two instead of the actual issue itself.
Dr. Cam (34:20.598)
Yeah, it really is because when that's taken care of and the thing is, you're still going to have issues. Kids are still going to have, do things that you're like, that was not a good decision. You're still going to disagree with things. The thing is when you have that foundation, it's not that big a deal. Like you deal with it, you connect over it, you talk about it, you move through it and you're done with it and you're more connected before. And the two of us are both
parents of teenagers and so we're speaking from actual experience. Like this is how we live. Like I do not have power struggles with my teenager, but she is extremely respectful and responsible and participates in the house and does all the things with no arguing.
Tia Slightham (35:10.273)
because you're meeting all those needs and you're starting that relationship. We were driving to school the other day and I said to the boys, I'm just gonna lay it out for you guys, just so you know. You're teenagers, which means you're gonna make a lot of really stupid decisions. I know it. Like I did it, I was a teenager. I know. I said my job is to help you make the smartest of the bad decisions, the smartest of the stupid decisions.
Dr. Cam (35:11.702)
because we are very connected and she trusts me. I still do Tia. I still make dumbest decisions.
Tia Slightham (35:39.585)
So when I'm talking to you about things, it's only so that I can help you because your logical brain, you're not developed to where you're gonna be and as adults, we're still learning. So think about where you're at. But I just want you to know that I'm not here to make you feel badly about your decisions. I'm not here to make you feel badly about your mistakes. I just wanna help you learn from them because there's gonna be a lot of bad decisions, because that's what happens as we're growing up. It's how you learn. But I think having our kids know that is also important because a lot of times our teens in particular really fear letting us down. They fear getting in trouble. They fear that they can't please us in any way because we're always so angry with them. And I think that goes back to that connection and trust, but it's also connected like a giant spider web.
Dr. Cam (36:13.718)
Yeah, it really is. And I think starting right there with if you are constantly angry at your teenager, that's the place you need to start because you need to think through that anger because approaching your child in anger or viewing everything they do through that lens of anger will not build a connection because now you have this big barrier up and you just can't, you can't see through it. And that is so incredibly hard to do. None of this is easy. It is worthwhile though. my gosh, it is so worthwhile for you and for your kid. So Tia, what is like one big takeaway that you want parents to walk away with from this episode?
Tia Slightham (37:03.009)
Yep, absolutely. That it's never too late. And so often we say, well, my child's a preteen or a teen and there's no way we're gonna be able to make changes. I've already damaged my child. I've already created too much trauma. Our relationship's already shot and everything is fixable and it's never too late. And if your child is 16, 17, 18, they're still only been in this world 16, 17, 18 years. They're still little. They still have so much life to live. And if you want to build that relationship with your kids, you can turn things around with the skill set, with the tools, with the foundations.
Dr. Cam (37:47.478)
Yeah, one of the fastest ways to do that is to apologize. Because if we just say, hey, I, looking back, I'm not thrilled with the way I handled this. I know that we caused, I caused some chaos and some conflict and I, it's not the best. Because when we do that, sometimes the kids hold grudges for so long because they just are waiting for that one word, two words, I'm sorry. That's all they need to hear and all of a sudden so much of it can be pushed in the past and we can move forward if we're willing to look at that. I think that's it.
Tia Slightham (38:22.849)
Yeah, and that repair piece is so important. But one of the pieces that I really want to emphasize to parents is you can apologize and repair, but then what we want to role model with that is that we're going to do something different next time. Because a lot of times we say sorry for yelling and exploding, but the next day we just yell and explode again. So again, we lose trust because our apology is kind of meaningless.
Dr. Cam (38:43.126)
We do it again.
Tia Slightham (38:48.353)
So if you're really wanting to make changes, you do want to apologize and take ownership to your actions and your behaviors. But then you need to say to your kids, but hey, I'm working with a psychologist or a coach or I'm taking this program because I actually want to learn how to do things differently because I want to be the parent here. And it's not your responsibility, it's mine. But that takes learning the skills and it's not something you can just go to bed at night and say tomorrow will be better. You have to actually get guidance.
Dr. Cam (39:07.926)
Yeah, it is like any other task or job or anything we do, we need to learn it to get better at it and practice it to get better at it. Tia, how do people find you?
Tia Slightham (39:29.665)
gosh, I would say Instagram's probably the easiest place. I'm at Tia Parenting Coach and there's tons of videos and trainings and support there. And they can definitely DM me from there or they're welcome to go to my website, tiaslitem .com.
Dr. Cam (39:45.43)
I love it. Tia, thank you so much for jumping on with us today. I appreciate it.
Tia Slightham (39:48.513)
Yeah, I could chat for days with you, so we'll do it again.
ABOUT THE SHOW
The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth.
Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together.
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