Explorez tous les épisodes du podcast Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Therapy Podcast
| Titre | Date | Durée | |
|---|---|---|---|
| How To Use Validation To Prioritize Family Relationships With Special Guest Dale Rubury | 09 sept. 2025 | 00:41:55 | |
This is the 100th Episode of the podcast. And for 100 episodes it has been the goal to help parents understand their children so as to create a validating environment as well as a foundation of connection for your child’s wellbeing. In this episode, Leslie and Dale focus on how to make attending to the relationship with your child a high priority especially when there are escalating emotions. What’s the goal of your interactions with your child? Today’s episode explores the three goals of interpersonal situations from Dialectic Behavior Therapy as well as the six levels of validation. Time Stamps 3:38 What are the three goals of interpersonal situations
9:56 Escalating emotions is an indication that you may need to change your priority of the three goals 10:10 When the relationship is the number one priority in order to create the foundation of connection for your child’s wellbeing 11:53 Why is validation so important and what does it mean
16:20 Discussion of invalidation - Dale’s personal experience 18:25 Mysophonia is a diagnosis that validates the sensory overwhelm that some children/people feel 21:20 The respect you give your child will in turn often lead your child to respect you. 22:58 Beware of double down on getting your objective met when misbehavior shows up. 23:50 Change course means changing your priority from the objective to the relationship 24:34 The Six Levels of Validation 25:20 Level one: Paying attention 26:41 Level two: Reflect back 27:54 Level three: Reading minds 30:42 Level four: Understanding 32:16 Level five: Acknowledge the valid 33:32 Level six: Show equality 35:10 Choosing the level of validation that works is up to the individual and the situation 36:56 Examples of Functional Validation 38:30 Use the phrase: “What I just said might have felt invalidating to you” when someone gets upset with something you might have said 39:10 Match your intention with the impact Leslie-ism: I want to say to parents: it's our job to take the first step forward. Resources: Dialectic Behavior Therapy - Interpersonal Effectiveness Handout on Validation including the Six Levels of Validation Dialectic Behavior Therapy - Clarifying Priorities in Interpersonal Situations Worksheet For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by | |||
| Karen Part 3 of 3: When You Feel Like Parenting Should Be Easier | 02 sept. 2025 | 00:52:13 | |
Picture this, you have three children, it’s summer vacation and all the routines have changed and now your extended family is coming for a visit. Sounds great and getting irritable and frustrated is also really understandable. In today’s third and final session with Karen, who is a mother of three children, she is asking herself the question: Shouldn’t this be easier? The discussion also focuses on understanding the "people pleaser" the sensitive child, and some of the myths that we believe about ourselves and others. Karen and her husband are bothered by her son's passion for watching animals fighting which is something we unpack through dialectic thinking and curiosity. Time Stamps 3:22 Understanding factors contributing to a parent’s irritability and frustration and what to do about it 5:00 How to respond to stress and anxiety? 6:49 Take a look at your “core beliefs” which can be myths or mistaken beliefs. 8:15 Parents have an opportunity to break a generational cycle of judgment or shame 10:46 Do you believe everything you think? 11:16 Shame and Blame often go hand in hand.
13:28 Guilt vs Shame distinction 15:10 People pleaser don’t want other people to get upset (another core belief)
20:05 A thought substitution is a way of changing your perspective 22:25 “Finding another interpretation” game 26:36 Coping skills can “calm you down” and distract you 27:00 The difference between distress tolerance skills and emotion regulation skills
28:05 When the environment doesn’t fully understand a sensitive person it can feel invalidating - 30:52 Discussion about her son who watches animal fighting videos and what that means
38:20 Discussion of vulnerabilities and prompting events 39:20 A DBT Assumption: People are doing the best they can with the skills they have in the present moment AND people need to do better 40:45 Finding balance between acceptance and asking what can I/you do differently next time? 43:28 Compassion and gratitude are essential for parents. Leslie-ism: You and your kids are doing the best you can with the skills you have at the present moment. Resources: Kristin Neff’s video: The Three Components of Self-Compassion Tara Brach’s Resources and Meditations on Gratitude For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. | |||
| Karen Part 2 of 3: How To Establish Limits and Teach Coping Skills | 26 août 2025 | 00:50:12 | |
Parenting is a work in progress and the idea that you get to learn as you go is essential. In today’s episode Karen, who is eager to learn returns for her second session as we unpack the complexities of parent-child relationships of her three children. Karen is seeking advice on how to raise resilient children, how to set limits when it feels like your daughter’s best friend talks back to adults and when your kids fight in the grocery store. Understanding who your child is and understanding the situation you are dealing with can change your perspective and guide your parenting skills. Time Stamps 3:10 Helping get kids off technology can range from connecting to your child to changing your expectations. 4:18 The change in the parents behavior can have a direct impact on what the child does 5:25 Changing your perspective from what the child is doing to you vs what’s happening to the child 7:39 Change takes time - manage your expectations 9:08The difference between authoritative vs authoritarian - Learning to be comfortable with your authority as a parent 12:20 Human interaction is complex - assess the contributing factors including your child's vulnerabilities, expectations and beliefs 14:35 Missed opportunities - its like missing a train - there will be another one 16:19 Be “REAL” with your kids 17:33 Name the elephant in the room - verbalize what’s going on 18:35 Put your foot on the brake - Stop trying to teach/rationalize and put your foot on the validation gas pedal 19:20 Expand your thinking - be more flexible - get rid of stereotypes 20:10 Stop after the validation - don’t talk so much 22:20 Parenting is often counterintuitive 24:24 Practice taking a non-judgmental stance 25:29 DON'T change the limit - Validate and help them express themselves more accurately - with plenty of examples 28:25 FACE the challenge instead of avoiding the challenge
31:37 How to raise resilient kids and teach them to cope with life's struggles 36:40 Reinforcement - acknowledge what they experienced rather than praise 37:28 Coping skills are designed to keep the problem from getting worse (or from escalating) and learning to tolerate the discomfort
Resources:
Leslie-ism: The road to happiness is knowing how to handle the life’s struggles For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecoh`podcasts/ . Yo u can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by | |||
| Karen Part 1 of 3: Tailoring Technology Strategies To Fit Your Child’s Needs | 19 août 2025 | 00:44:38 | |
In today’s session you will meet Karen who has three kids, 10 year old Kate, 8 year old Vivian, and 5 year old Owen and asks Leslie the question of how to get her kids off technology. . Answering that question, means assessing what’s going on and then tailoring the strategies to each individual child. This session also focuses on helping parents feel comfortable with their own authority while maintaining mutual respect with your child.and how not to personalize your child’s big emotions. Time Stamps 4:10 The unstructured nature of summer and its challenges 5:00 The dialectic perspective of the strong-willed children 8:15 Reasons how you diminish your authority as a parent
12:45 Create individual strategies for dealing with technology for your individual kids 14:35 Don’t give into the “fairness game”
16:35 Family meeting where everyone has a chance to be heard 17:25 Teaching children to manage “Technology Time” 18:25 Fair is not the same as equal 18:45 The definition of a “bad” parent -When parents personalize their child’s anger 21:19 Change your perspective and your interpretations
24:47 Parents can unintentionally reinforce a child’s emotional reactivity 25:55 Cope Ahead Skill - Help a child learn what they can do differently next time instead of shaming them 28:35 How to establish personal power and agency for your children that is effective 30:21 Working on developing mutual respect 33:18 Observe and describe your child’s behavior nonjudgmentally 34:33 Explaining fairness, equanimity and sameness with a metaphor 38:05 Create structure in the day to help children manage technology time 41:44 Understanding what it means to be comfortable with authority Leslie-ism: Say what you mean and mean what you say Resources: Horton Hatches An Egg by Dr Seuss read aloud on video For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible. | |||
| How To Talk To Your Kid About Phones With Special Guest Max Stossel | 12 août 2025 | 00:50:14 | |
To quote Max Stossel “social media is drastically impacting young people’s mental health, focus, social skills, productivity and self-worth". On today’s episode, Leslie has a conversation with technology expert, Max Stossel, who was a media strategist before becoming an educator on this topic. He speaks about the reality of phones and compassionately, how parents do indeed have to deal with this reality because it's not going away. Max increases our understanding of how social media is designed to keep kids (and us) on the phones. He offers practical solutions to work on and hopes to create a common language between parents and their kids. Time Stamps 3:45 Max explains his mission to “help children survive and thrive in the modern world”
5:00 Help kids to have a mindful moment of really checking in about how their technology makes them feel 8:40 How understanding slot machines and their variable reward system explains how and why we use the phone (Intermitten reinforcement which keeps a behavior going 11:37 Changing the question to your child from “do you like this? TO how does it make you feel?”
13:00 We can help children develop an awareness of what they are feeling during and after being on technology 14:45 Discussing the overwhelm that parents feel with the pressures of tech use 15:30 Discussion of why and how to delay giving your child a phone for as long as possible and problem solving 19:16 Max’s list a few of his recommendations (see show notes for a more extensive list)
24:15 Two role play situations. 25:17 Trying to get your teen off their phone. 34:20 When your tween asks you to get them a phone 28:40 Review of the strategies of the first role play 38::00 Review of the strategies of the second role play 42:20 Technology gets in the way of self discovery 45:30 Experiment with substitute experiences instead of scrolling Leslie-ism: Replace the question of “do you like this TO how does it make you feel” Resources: Max Stossel’s Organization Social Awakening Website with technology resources Here is a list of best practices recommended by Max Stossel Here is list of best practices recommended by Max Stossel Max Stossel’s Website as a Poet and Performer The Center For Human Technology with a link to the movie The Social Dilemma Wait Until 8th Movement - resources and information For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, | |||
| Kevin & Scott Part 3 of 3: When Everyday Tasks Feel Challenging | 05 août 2025 | 00:43:44 | |
Parents have to deal with the daily activities of getting their kids dressed, fed and out the door. Sometimes there are great strategies and skills to help in those situations. And sometimes those are just what Leslie calls “messy situations” that come with raising kids. This is the third and final session with Kevin & Scott who have two boys - 7 year old Gavin and 4 year old Arthur. This episode is chock full of strategies and the discussion focuses on mindfulness skills as well as interpersonal skills. And stay tuned to the end of the episode where Scott gives us an update on how these sessions have helped both parents. Time Stamps 2:22 Mindfulness practice helped their child be more focused and it helped the parents stay calmer and less frustrated 6:58 Definition and examples of one-minded 9:15 When kids don’t like making mistakes? How to use Cope Ahead Skill 10:35 Helping the parents feel more competent
12:30 How can you lower the expectations and still help your child reach their full potential 15:18 Role play scenario to demonstrate what to do when things are tense or escalating
18:40 Look for some collaboration and Identify the dialectic dilemma between your goal vs your child’s goal, your needs and your child’s needs 20:50 Definition of a synthesis 21:30 Use two hands to help your child visualize the two parts of dilemma 26:50 Messy moments are intrinsic to raising children 27:28 What to do during the big meltdowns
33:30 Stay connected and set your limit 34:05 Be a broken record - Let your child know that you are there 34:55 Learning takes place between the meltdowns - Model and teach skills 35:50 An example of being irreverent - getting their attention by being genuine. This is NOT sarcasm 37:35 Parents need to support each other Leslie-ism: Next time you or child feel anxious, try counting your steps Resources:
For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. | |||
| Kevin & Scott Part 2 of 3: When Homework is Frustrating for Everyone | 29 juil. 2025 | 00:43:50 | |
Homework is a time of frustration in many families. And there are so many root causes that contribute to the defiance that often comes with homework. In today’s episode, which is the second session with Kevin and Scott, Leslie discusses and assesses what’s going on and what to do with those homework issues. Kevin and Scott are parents to 7 year old Gavin and 4 year old Arthur - two neurodivergent boys, who are trying incredibly hard to be the best parents they can be. Leslie points out that perhaps everyone can try different, not harder. Time Stamps 3:40 Varying your skills is often very effective - mix it up a little 4:13 The opposite of self-compassion is self-deprecating and self-judgements 6:00 Using your skills intentionally makes the skill for effective 6:50 Family value of doing things together as a family Children avoid parts of their homework that’s hard for them.
9:40 Review of the should’s from the homework for Kevin and Scott 10:39 How to believe your own compassionate statement 11:35 Looking at yourself before you became a parent 14:24 Should-ing yourself or your child often turns into shaming 15:20 The pressure of parenting 16:38 Validate your thoughts but don’t attach to those thoughts 17:40 We don’t have to try harder, we have to try different 18:40 The many uses of mindfulness 23:03 What to do when your child refuses to do school work
26:08 Many kids don’t want to talk about a past situation that didn’t go well 27:00 Homework is an opportunity to “see” who your child is and to help them understand themselves 28:15 Assess why is your child struggling with homework 31:30 Transitions may be challenging for kids with ADHD 32:40 Being seen and understood creates connection between parent and child
34:03 Helping your child when they make a mistake and get upset
37:44 Going to school for the neurodivergent child is extra exhausting. Some accommodations may be needed to create an environment that is supportive 39:20 New ideas and strategies may be refreshing in a the family dynamic 40:42 Keys to parenting when homework is problematic 42:30 Defiance is not the measure of being a bad parent. Remember defiance is helping you understand your child Leslie-ism: Don’t try harder, try different! For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and | |||
| Kevin & Scott Part 1 of 3: When Parenting Feels Like A Sea of Chaos | 22 juil. 2025 | 00:40:09 | |
As parents we can probably relate to Kevin and Scott who describe family life as chaotic. They are parents of two neurodivergent boys, 7 year old Gavin and 4 year old Arthur. Its clear in this episode that these parents have done their homework and tried to help their boys and their family life but the frustration and uncertainly are ever present. Leslie works with Kevin and Scott to assess and understand the other important ingredients essential for effective parenting. This episode focuses on feelings and concepts such as compassion, insecurity, shame and grief. And together they that look at what happens when rewards stop working. Time Stamps 3:10 Where do parents begin when trying to make sense household chaos 5:05 When parenting with strategies designed for the neurotypical child doesn’t work as well with the neurodivergent child 5:59 Grieving the child you thought you would have
8:08 An example of making compassionate statements to each other and to themselves 11:20 Island of compassion in the sea of chaos Description of the morning "chaos" 14:15 Teasing can be “playful connection’ as well as the hurtful
17:10 Rewards - how to make them work and why they stop working
24:08 Problem Solving Skill from DBT - focus on the brainstorming step 26:14 Raising your child to understand who he is, the impact of how he shows up in the world, and the areas that he might need to work on. 26:30 Strategies to help someone with ADHD:
28:20 Dialectic dilemma: The tension between when do you need to accept the moment as it is and when do you need to change it day 29:15 Dialectic Dilemma: Is this the parent’s problem or is this the child’s problem. Whose problem is it? 29:55 Two acceptance strategies: compassion and taking a breath Leslie-ism: Take a moment to celebrate the effort you're putting in and the small successes along the way. Resources: A book about Behavior management strategies: Don’t Shoot the Dog by Karen Pryon For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible. | |||
| How To Manage Parental Overwhelm with Special Guest Dr. Kiki Felhling | 15 juil. 2025 | 00:37:21 | |
Parenting is an overwhelming job with endless meals, cleanups, and activities. But on top of that, there’s the general overwhelm we're all feeling in our current world, and there are skills you can learn to help manage that daily overwhelm. In this episode Leslie speaks with special guest, Dr. Kiki Fehling. Dr. Kiki Fehling, a licensed psychologist, DBT expert, author and speaker, discusses the transformative impact of DBT on her life and the lives of her clients. Together Leslie and Kiki focus on specific DBT skills that can directly help parents who feel overwhelmed, including Mindfulness, TIPP, and Opposite Action Skills which can help both you and your children. Time Stamps 3:05 Why Kiki is committed to getting DBT resources out to the public 5:13 Distinguishing between DBT Therapy and DBT Skills
7:15 How do we talk to parents about the overwhelm
11:10 Jon Kabat Zinn’s Quote: “if our lives depended on our awareness of our breathing we’d all be dead 12:48 Mindfulness is the foundation of DBT 13:00 TIPP Skills to help us regulate our nervous system
19:46 Opposite Action Skill 24:50 Dealing with Overwhelm
25:25 Start with yourself: Model it and that teaches your child to cope
27:06 Kids are growing up with Mindfulness as an everyday word 28:55 “ Living Therapeutically” is Leslie’s term for a way of living without therapy that continues to help you learn and grow (a newsletter will be coming soon on this) Leslie-ism: Practice Naming Your Emotions Resources:
TIPP Skills from DBT Therapy Handout Opposit Action Skills Video from DBT Therapy For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and | |||
| Krystal & Burt Part 3 of 3: When One Parent Worries and The Other Parent Doesn’t | 08 juil. 2025 | 00:49:12 | |
Here’s the scenario: Your 8 year old child just got a formal diagnosis of ADHD in addition to the dyslexia diagnosis. Your 12 year old son is also neurodivergent whose behaviors include humming, interrupting and fidgeting. How does a family learn to get along with all of these differences which create tension in both the children and the parents. In this third and final session with Krystal and Burt, Leslie works directly with the parenting differences…Krystal expresses her concerns about Margot's future, while Burt remains optimistic. The skills focus on mindfulness, validation and communication in order to “get along”, and learn to live together. Time Stamps 3:35 The benefits of giving a child with ADHD the “job” of time management 5:00 Medication Trial for ADHD - pros and cons 8:59 The worrisome questions of someone with ADHD 15:10 When avoiding problems, you might be making your problem worse 15:45 Asking for what you need when you know you want to be heard. 17:25 Learning to speak each other’s language 18:55 Making sure your child understands their diagnosis 19:45 When someone is not understood and seen for who they are, they may misbehave- example of being left handed and being singled out. 20:22 If you figure out your different and different equals bad, then you call yourself “bad” 21:30 Explaining brains when you're trying to explain a diagnosis to a child
25:48 When parents have opposite perspectives.
27:39 When you validate someone’s worries - the worries may actually decrease 30:41 Role Play example of validation when someone uses BUT instead of AND 32:50 When the environment (school, home) may or may not support the neurodivergent person 34:36 Description of neurodivergent differences in the family including ADHD and Autism 38:00 Description of Stimming Behaviors 40:10 Family meetings can create a positive circular loop in which understanding leads to connection, and connection leads to greater understanding.
43:25 Description of misophonia and mindfulness skills to treat it Leslie-ism: To reduce conflict start with communication and end up with connection Resources:
For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music< | |||
| Bonus Episode: Managing Car Rides With Kids | 03 juil. 2025 | 00:20:17 | |
Kids fighting in the car is a common occurrence and is often a headache for most parents. This is a mini-bonus episode where Leslie and her producer Alletta Cooper discuss a number of strategies to help kids sit with discomfort, learn to deal with boredom and maybe along the way have some time to daydream - a way to exercise a valuable part of the brain. Screens and phones are not on the Do-Not-Use list but rather are understood for ways in which they too can be helpful. Time Stamps 2:15 The arrangement strategy - rearranging the kids 3:12 Acknowledge that screens are not good or bad
4:10 What’s missing when your kids are on screens
6:49 Kids in the car are a captive audience and often use that time to talk 7:42 Pulling Over Strategy - a non-threatening strategy 10:25 Kids can learn that they have a lot of power when it comes to the fighting with sibling 11:35 The Ticket System Strategy - this system teaches children its safe to make mistakes 13:50 Consequences not punishment - non judgmentally 14:40 Payback System Strategy - based on the concept of community service 16:30 Books on tape, family reading - again as a captive audience 17:25 Plan Ahead Strategy 17:45 Mindfulness Skills of Observation - paying attention to what is around (DBT skills) 18:28 Check in with yourself and ask “am I capable of tolerating this now?”
Is My Child A Monster? Episode 14 Skills Focus on Apologies with Special Guest Dale Rubury - Leslie Discusses the Payback Concept For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible. | |||
| Krystal & Burt Part 2 of 3: When Your Tween Gets Their First Phone | 01 juil. 2025 | 00:47:13 | |
When kids get their own phone there’s a big adjustment for everyone. And it doesn’t always go smoothly. This is my second session with Krystal and Burt where we find out how they are doing and if they did their homework to find small ways to connect. This session focuses on 12 year old Mat who gets in trouble with his phone and what parents can do when that happens. We also focus on 8 year old Margo who advocates for her own needs which is in sharp contrast to Mat’s people pleasing tendencies. The skills in this episode focus on communication, connection, consequences that are meant to be effective, seeing the positive intention and learning to surf the urge. Time Stamps 4:35 Never underestimate how a small change can have a large impact - small check-ins makes a difference to the relationship 5:10 Kids possibly pick up on the marital tension 6:16 When a people pleaser tunes in to their parents’ well being 8:00 We often feel emotional when we feel like we have been seen and understood 8:30 The spiral of disconnection - resentment, frustration,etc 10:10 Getting a phone, losing the phone and the consequences 12:25 How to make a consequence work effectively: time matters 14:00 Use the phone and misbehavior as a learning experience
19:30 Pros and cons DBT skill has 4 boxes instead of two (see resources below) 21:00 Discussion of being a “people pleaser” 22:25 Its ok for kids to make safe mistakes at home 24:10 Use “Surfing the Urge” Mindfulness Skill to deal with impulses 27:30 Giving a child a sense of control through “giving her personal power” 29:35 Talk about family meetings 30:30 See the positive intention when a child has challenging behavior - Validate the valid 32:40 How to communicate with a child who says what feels like “rude” comments
The two kids can learn from each other - one is very considerate of others and the other has a strong sense of self and focus on herself Leslie-ism: When you think there's a teachable moment, pause and see what you can all learn in that moment.
Handout on Pros and Cons Skill from Dialectic Behavior Therapy Video explaining how to Use Pros and Cons Skill from DBT Leslie’s Blog on People Pleasing - coming soon Handout on the DBT Skill “Surfing the Urge“ by Therapist Aid Handout on Positive intention - coming soon
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| Krystal & Burt Part 1 of 3: When Kids Pick up on Marital Tension | 24 juin 2025 | 00:53:59 | |
There is so much going on in a family between raising the kids, making a living to provide for the family and managing a household. In today’s session, we meet Krystal and Burt, a family based in the UK who have 2 children, 12 year old Mat, and 8 year old Margo. They recently moved to a rural farm with animals that they also raise. Making time for the kids, making time for the relationship and running their lives is what Burt called “volume overload”. And it is through that lens of “volume overload” that we unpack the sibling rivalry between the kids. Time Stamps 7:33 Assessment to help understand what’s going on with Sibling rivalry 12:48 The stress of being a neurodivergent parent - ADHD and Dyslexia 19:20 Things can be easier when one parent is in charge compared to when both parents are present 20:17 Tension between parents:
24:10 Parenting styles are a compilation of who you are and the experiences you had in your childhood 24:50 How to tolerate the differences
27:15 How do you as a parent like to be appreciated? (words, back rubs, hugs etc) 28:38 The tension of not being appreciated can be addressed with check ins 29:45 Step away from the problem in order to solve the problem - Relationships need nourishment 31:10 What small ways can you create emotional connection in busy lives
35:40 The children will learn that a relationship takes connection. Model those small ways of connecting to help nourish the relationship 38:45 Relationships are so hard. 40:40 The pain of the relationship can be in service of our healing
44:45 Parents can feel “volume overloaded” 45: 30 Practice some mindfulness exercises that help ground you 47:35 Balancing the dilemma/tension of getting through the present moment and at the same time planning goals for the future. 48:44 Metaphor of a tree with roots - root yourself and ground yourself in your daily life with mindfulness and connection and small little breaks 50:59 Turning the family structure upside down 52:20 Connection is so important and understanding the effects of disconnection Leslie-ism: Take a moment to root yourself in your daily life through connection. For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by | |||
| How to Resolve Conflicts with Special Guest Dale Rubury | 17 juin 2025 | 00:29:34 | |
Sibling Rivalry is a great opportunity to practice conflict resolution. In this episode we talk about the steps to help you resolve conflicts with your kids. But these same steps (easy to explain and difficult to practice) can be used with all relationships that experience conflicts. Leslie explains the steps to conflict resolution and highlights the one step that is often forgotten and without it can sabotage any attempts to resolve the conflicts. Leslie and her daughter Dale discuss these steps and apply it to real life experiences Time Stamps 2:12 Definition of conflict 3:58 Four Steps of conflict resolution with the MISSING PIECE
4:26 Five Steps of Conflict Resolution
Conflict resolution often fails when the empathy step is missing 5:18 Using a childhood example to demonstrate these steps 6:25 Step in to sibling rivalry only SOME of the time, not al of the time 7:26 Don’t attempt to figure out who started. It is not effective Start with “I notice there is a problem here” not “Who started this” 9:50 Getting Confirmation with a nod or saying yes is important to make sure someone feels heard and understood 10:12 Validation, active listening, reflective listening is absolutely necessary 10:45 Use non-verbal, physical support when the other person is talking 12:20 Empathy and validation is not condoning the behavior or agreeing with the other person's perspective 14:00 Have the child use “I Statement” so you avoid blaming language 14:45 Generating solutions - engage the children - 18:10 Moving from Emotion mind to wise mind as you move through the steps. If emotions are too high, wait until another time to do the conflict resolution process 20:15 When generating ideas make sure each child is taking responsibility for their part and coming up with solutions that they can change 22:53 When is it most effective for parents to jump into conflict resolution? When the PARENT feels most capable of handling the conflict. 23:40 The infamous “Sink Story” 26:20 The Fair Fighting Fouls (see show notes for link) 27:26 The parents' job is to teach it and model it - Leslie-ism: Conflict resolution begins with empathy Resources: Fair Fighting Rules in a Pamphlet called Time Out: Resolving Family Conflicts Other conflict resolution resources for Kids at Peace Education Foundation For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by | |||
| Anna Part 2 of 2: When It Feels Like Your Kids Are Growing Up Too Fast And Other Fears | 11 juin 2025 | 00:44:04 | |
There is so much fear in parenting, it just comes with the territory. Fear of kids fighting, fear of kids growing up too fast, fear of kids being influenced by peer pressure and engaging in behaviors that upset you. In this episode, Leslie works with Anna on noticing and naming her fears so that her fears don’t end up making things worse. Anna is homeschooling her three children, 8yr old girl, Sasha 5 yr old Kate and 2 yr old Daniel. And Anna updates us on the changes in the level and intensity of the sibling rivalry since her last session. 5:15 There is a difference between thinking about your childhood and understanding your childhood experiences from the perspective of the child 6:03 Our childhood experiences inform and impact our parenting 8:33 When you play games you follow the rules. You may also change the rules of your parenting strategies that you can share with your children 12:22 Remember to focus on yourself and regulate yourself - children care more about how their parent is doing. 12:55 Children are paying attention to the well-being of their parent 14:45 ⅓ of the time of sibling rivalry you make them a unit and set a limit on the fighting
22:05 To help with a conflict -
26:30 Pay attention to how you as a parent felt about your teenage years and its impact on raising your children through their teenage years 28:52 Be one step ahead of your child as they are approaching adolescence 31:50 Parents need to balance the dialectic dilemmas of
32:35 Pre-adolescents are practicing being individuals 35:15 Finding a solution between these dilemmas is called a dialectic synthesis
38:20 Adolescence is about a time of letting go and at the same time, our teenagers still need parents strong and present in their lives. 40:25 We need to acknowledge our fear, but we don't want it to be in front of us, blinding us and possibly taking us off course Leslie-ism: Notice and name your fear, so it doesn't run the show Resources: Parenting Dilemmas Handout in Dialectic Behavior Therapy by Leslie Cohen-Rubury For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible. | |||
| Anna Part 1 of 2: When Sibling Rivalry Upsets The Parent More Than The Kids | 03 juin 2025 | 00:51:50 | |
Sibling rivalry seems like your kid’s problem. But for most parents its not easy to tolerate all that bickering and figuring out when to step in can be confusing. In today’s session, you meet Anna, a mother of three children, 8, 5, 2 who learns that what she is doing is actually making the sibling rivalry worse. She and her husband emigrated from Ukraine in their twenties but brought with them their own experiences of growing up. Learning a bit about her history brings light to her current situation. And you may be surprised by the coaching that Leslie offers Anna to improve the sibling rivalry which includes some basic strategies based in behaviorism. Time Stamps 5:29 Context is important when understanding or assessing a problem such as sibling rivalry 8:20 Noticing that people’s recovery time vary from person to person 10:00 Parents often ask “what can I do to stop the fighting” 11:25 Sibling rivalry is natural and a way to learn social skills 11:48 Behaviorism - jumping in reinforces the fighting behavior which causes it to escalate
18:03 What happens when your best intentions makes things worse and doesn’t get you what you want 18:55 When Leslie sounds like terrible, horrible, no good parent 20:28 Can we give our kids a chance solve their own problems 21:08 We rob our children from so much learning when we jump in to fix it 21:58 How to help parents sit with their own discomfort or anxiety
23:15 Explaining an extinction burst 24:20 ⅓ ⅓ ⅓ rule for sibling rivalry
25:20 A family is a system of belonging - sibling rivalry can be about individuation 30:20 Reinforcing your child to feel special is different from praise. 34:07 Parents need to believe that they can love each of their children differently 35:02 The metaphor of the orchestra for treating their children differently 36:16 Balance the needs of your child, balance the independence and the dependence 36:55 Looking at the parents self care practices 38:36 Description of how empathy is a critical step of conflict resolution with a 43:10 Empathy and being understood by the other person can be transformative. 43:40 Escalating emotions, getting louder or getting defensive may reflect that someone feels invalidated. 44:23 CLIFF HANGER; Leslie doesn’t share the other steps of conflict resolution - only the step of empathy Resources: Leslie’s Handout on The Need to Feel a Sense of Belonging Leslie ‘s Handout on The Need to be significant Punishment by Rewards by Alfie Kohn Leslie-ism: Practice empathy in your own conflicts For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube | |||
| Understanding Trauma, Shame and Chronic Invalidation with Special Guest Lorie Ritschel | 27 mai 2025 | 00:37:53 | |
In today’s episode, Leslie speaks with special guest, Dr. Lorie Ritschel, a board-certified dialectic behavior therapist, and discusses the impact of chronic invalidation, trauma and shame in regards to both parents and children. Lorie emphasizes the importance of understanding and addressing shame in children, noting that parents often underestimate its punishing effects. She explains DBT-PE, a treatment that combines dialectical behavior therapy with prolonged exposure to treat trauma. Time Stamps 4:22 Defining Trauma - Criterion A and Traumatic Chronic Invalidation 9:00 and 11:26 Trauma Treatments - DBT-PE and CPT
14:00 Discussing the emotion of Shame 14:40 Parents are part of creating the internal dialogue of emotions within their child and they have the ability to impact their child’s understanding of emotions 16:20 Parents underestimate how punishing shame is to a child 17:05 Discussion on being how to be reinforcer of behaviors and punisher of behaviors by matching the intensity of your child’s behavior 18:05 Some kids go into a shame spiral and others don’t. DON”T make assumptions about your child 19:24 Examples of implicit and explicit learning 20:55 When shame is very visible in your child -
21:21 Watch out for the quiet child who internalize their emotions 22:14 Create a framework in your home to talk about emotions 22:50 High, Low, Buffalo Game - a great substitute for “how was your day at school” 25:25 The benefits of Observational learning 26:38 Discussion of Invalidation for the neurodivergent child 28::43 Other examples of ways parents can invalidate their child 31:00 Having a trusted adult to speak to is key for a child who feels invalidation from their differentness
Resources: Lorie Ritschel’s Website: Triangle Area Psychology Clinic (TAP) E-Learning Courses through the TAP clinic How to use High Low Buffalo Conversation Starter Trauma resources
For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by | |||
| Nicky & AJ Part 4 of 4: When Rewards and Punishments No Longer Work | 20 mai 2025 | 00:38:30 | |
Parents often go to therapy when the rewards and punishment no longer work because trying to get your child to do what you need them to do can be very challenging. And when the parent’s anxiety gets added to that mix, the result is frustrating and overwhelming for everyone. This is the final session with Nicky and AJ as they discuss getting their 11 year old daughter Lilly off to school each day and getting her to clean up after herself. Time Stamps 3:46 Ask yourself “did it feel more effective to do something different” and "did it feel better to you?” whether or not, we got the outcome that we wanted. 5:05 What its like to live with someone who does not complete a task, often someone with ADHD. 7:33 Bring mindfulness skills to the person who doesn’t complete a task 10:25 Make expectations explicit because everyone may have different expectations 11:58 Example of parent using rewards to change your child’s behavior 12:47 Discussion of rewards and punishments 15:15 Using rewards is a way to manage and control behavior, it may not actually teach her to develop behavior that she doesn’t want to do. 17:09 Assess the problem that you want to solve 17:50 Keep track of the behavior - collect data 20:17 Determine whose problem is it? Start by changing your behavior Engage your child into the solution of the problem 24:50 When you understand something about your child, be sure to verbalize it to her 26:38 Setting up contingency plan when there is a pattern of problematic behavior
30:32 A Parent’s anxiety usually makes your children’s anxiety worse 32:26 Fighting reality vs accepting reality when your child doesn’t do things the way you want them to. 33:47 Whose problem is it? Remember to work on your part of the problem 34:19 Practicing mindfulness skills for ADHD behaviors
Resources: GIVE Skill Handout by DBT.tools For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible. | |||
| Bonus Episode: Making Hard Conversations Easier with the DEAR MAN Skill | 15 mai 2025 | 00:22:06 | |
Making requests, saying no, and having hard conversations is part of all relationships. And it's rather easy to see how common misunderstandings and conflict ensues in our interpersonal relationships. That's because we are not born with accurate and effective communications skills. This mini bonus episode is about learning and practicing the DBT skill called DEAR MAN. This is a conversation between Leslie and her producer, Alletta Cooper where they give an in-depth description of what the skill is and then how to put it into practice. Time Stamps 1:41 DEAR MAN GIVE FAST is the DBT acronym to help us communicate accurately and more effectively
4:51 DEARMAN skill described in detail
6:40 Using the skill helps you stay in wise mind 9:32 Role play not using the DEAR MAN skill 11:29 Role play using the DEAR MAN skill 14:38 Timing is an important factor when having difficult conversation 15:10 Using time limits on having conversation is often very effective 16:52 When to use DEAR MAN 19:00 Write it down and practice it over and over again Resources: Leslie’s Handout on DEAR MAN DBT Skill based on example in the bonus episode and worksheet for practice DEARMAN How to communicate Assertively - DBT-RU DBT Skill: The Most Effective Way to Make a Request by Sunrise Treatment Center For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible. | |||
| Nicky & AJ Part 3 of 4: When Shame Gets In The Way | 09 mai 2025 | 00:47:00 | |
We take you “behind the scenes” of what happened before the session officially started. This episode with Nicky and AJ begins with a communication breakdown. We all struggle at times communicating with our kids, our partners or other family members. You will learn what happens when shame is in the drivers seat of your life and when shame runs in the family like with AJ and their 11 year old daughter, Lily. The episode also emphasizes the importance of vulnerability for personal growth and effective parenting. Leslie introduces the Dialectic Behavior Skill called DEAR MAN and puts it into practice. Time Stamps 3:50 How to talk without shaming and blaming or without ignoring the problem 8:02 and 26:05 Talking about trauma is very difficult and can be very anxiety provoking 11:06 Description of the DBT DEARMAN skill
16:10 Example of using the DEAR MAN 23:32 and 40:40 Timing is very important when trying to have a conversation 24:30 People who feel invalidated react with anger, shutting down or start defending themselves 27:05 Remember to learn from “misbehavior” - “what can I do differently next time?” 32:10 Shame is an emotion that makes us feel like “a bad person” vs guilt is a justified emotion when our behavior goes against our values 32:06 and 33:00 Dialectic Behavior Therapy’s Opposite Action
35:27 Example of using Opposite Action Skill 38:26 AJ’s aha moment that both he and his daughter can feel attacked when someone wants you to do something 43:58 Practice being vulnerable Leslie-ism: Give yourself permission to be vulnerable. Resources: Dialectic Behavior Therapy DEARMAN Skill by DBT.Tools Dialectic Behavior Therapy Opposite Action Skill by DBT.Tools For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible. | |||
| Nicky & AJ Part 2 of 4: Stopping Generational Trauma | 06 mai 2025 | 00:47:01 | |
How do you deal with your child’s anger and defiant behaviors? One place to start is to look at what you as parents bring to the table and how that impacts your child. This is the second session with Nicky and AJ who are seeking help for their 11 year old daughter Lily. We cover a wide range of topics from the emotional topics of trauma and anger to learning some practical communication skills. Time Stamps 3:00 Pausing, listening, validating and being curious was effective for communication with their teen 7:08 The DBT GIVE skill - a skill to tend to the relationship (see handout below) 8:34 The DBT STOP skill (see handout below) 11:08 It's okay to say to your child “I don’t know what to do in this moment”. Be honest 13:59 Trauma work for Childhood Trauma - chronic invalidation
19:50 Parents who want to stop the the cycle of trauma, cycle of fear, the cycle of invalidation so it doesn’t get passed on to your child 20:20 Parents who want to do better, who need to do better so they can break that cycle 20:30 Every step makes a difference 21:12 Talking about trauma alone does not treat trauma - Analogy to having a splinter and talking about the splinter 22:15 Mistaken Core Beliefs that develop with traumatic experiences - I am not safe, I am not capable, I am not loveable 25:00 Parents can take responsibility for their actions when you yell or invalidate their child 27:17 People/kids may shut down or get angry when they feel invalidated. Ask the question, “What did I just say that may have been invalidating to you?” 28:44 The parenting dialectic: I am trying my best AND I still need to do more 30:25 Three Step Apology to take responsibility when you behave in a way that is problematic 31;58 Assess the prompting events that lead to her emotional dsyregulation 34:10 Defiance and anger can be a secondary emotion to anxiety or overwhelm 32:41 Use context such as timing when trying to understand problematic behavior 40:49 Habituation is the act of getting used to something through repetition 41::00 Dialectic thinking to help her get into the shower (examples) 43:15 Parenting GOAL: Is to connect to your child by making sure they feel understood and respected. Leslie-ism: Take a stand and STOP harmful generational patterns Resources: The Body Keeps Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, MD The Three Step Apology by Leslie Cohen-Rubury Dialectic Behavior Therapy: The GIVE Skill Handout and Practice Sheet by DBT.Tools Dialectic Behavior Therapy. The STOP Skill Handout and Practice Sheet by DBT.Tools Trauma Treatment Resources:
For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, | |||
| Nicky & AJ Part 1 of 4: When Your Child's Defiance is Confusing | 29 avr. 2025 | 00:46:42 | |
Parents often wonder why their children won’t do what they ask them to do. This often creates conflict and disrespect in the family system. And for the parent, it's very confusing and irritating when you “couldn’t get away with that” when you were a child. In this episode, Nicky and AJ share their concerns, frustrations and fears regarding their 11 year old daughter, Lily. Lily has had big emotional reactions throughout her life and Nicky and AJ are fearful for her teenage years. They also admit to their own challenges with emotion regulation. In this episode, we focus on assessing and problem solving Lily's communication as well as managing expectations in the family. We also work on turning conflict into collaboration and respect. Time Stamps 4:47 Name your fears and get them out of the way of parenting 7:32 Go below the surface of Defiance, anger and meltdowns - you don’t see the anxiety and sensitivity 8:00 Metaphor of the iceberg 8:48 #1 goal - help you the parents understand what’s happening 8:54 #2 goal - give you skill and strategies 9:01 Assumption: She’s doing the best she can at the present time 9:58 Shifting perspective from FINDING FAULT—-- TO FINDING UNDERSTANDING 16:20 Being misunderstood leads to feeling invalidated and can lead to anger 16:56 When Anger helps you to understand your child what’s really going on It's important to assess if “she can’t or she won’t” distinction when talking 18:40 Alexathymia - difficulty expressing feelings 19:42 Metaphor of the flashlight vs turning a light on in the room to help someone talk 21:20 Getting the quiet teen to talk
29:20 Using Defiance, disobedience as a means to understanding what’s going on with your child 34:05 Some kids get overwhelmed by the demands of life and helping her managing expectations 36:50 A new perspective on defiant behaviors and why that’s parenting “gold” 39:43 Why regulating the underlying (primary) problem/emotion is more effective 41:25 Practice using PAUSE to regulate your emotions Resources: Handout on Assessment Scale for Alexathymia Leslie's Video: Metaphor of Why people shut down in conversations Metaphor of the Iceberg: Leslie's blog on how misbehavior is a form of communication Leslie-ism: We don’t need to find fault, we need to find understanding For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music | |||
| Why Your Child's Play Is Essential Communication with Special Guest Jennifer Sims | 22 avr. 2025 | 00:34:06 | |
In this episode, Leslie and special guest Jen Sims, a licensed professional counselor and registered play therapist, talk about the importance of play. Jen explains that play is the language of children, allowing them to express emotions and experiences. She specializes in Non-directive Play Therapy, which involves creating an environment where children can fully engage in play without feeling hurried. Jen emphasizes the principles of empathy, congruence, and unconditional positive regard, and discusses how play therapy can help children heal from trauma, behavioral issues, and other challenges. Time Stamps 2:06 Play is the story that kids are writing about themselves 2:25 Definition of Play Therapy and the kinds of therapy 3:35 Reasons why children may go to therapy 5:47 Carl Rogers A person centered therapist: 3 tenets of his therapy
5:55 Virginia Axline developed Non-Directive Play Therapy - 8 principles (see show notes for more formal list) 6:35 Definition of Unconditional positive regard doesn’t mean I love your behavior..it means I love you 7:45 Explaining the non-directive part of non-directive play therapy 8:20 Trust the child to move towards healing 10:45 Mirroring and attunement is something parents can also do at home to enrich and depend their relationship with their child 12:35 Children play in themes 15:35 Description of Fiial Play Therapy that parents can do it at home 17:15 Explaining the process of attunement 20:44 Setting limits around safety and other things requires consistency 22:59 Both Parents and children need empathy to feel understood 25:31 AutPlay is play therapy specifically designed for Neurodivergent kids 28:37 Jen’s advice for parents - 31:35 We can trust children to lead the way with creative solutions towards their own healing Resources: Video of Play as a form of communication Jen Sims Website at the Redwood Center for Children And Families Article on Non-directive Play Therapy and The Underlying Principles by Cognitive Behavioral Play Therapy Registration for Leslie’s NEABPD Webinar on “Defiance, Disrespect and Disobedience: What Is It and What To Do About IT Leslie-ism: Set aside 20 minutes to let your child lead the way in play For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and | |||
| Jean & Alex Part 3 of 3: When You Want to Get Unstuck | 15 avr. 2025 | 00:48:39 | |
It's not unusual to feel stuck or trapped as a parent. Having options is the antidote to that feeling. You have options for how you think, how you behave, how you deal with emotions. And those options put you in the drivers seat…you get to see and feel the choices you have and you get to choose! This episode is the third and final episode with Jean and Alex who are dealing with their 6 year old daughter’s big emotions. We focus on how to change your mindset and review several coping strategies to help your child. Time Stamps 3: 22 Naming the skill - dialectic dilemmas and dialectic synthesis 4:20 The dialectic dilemma is between the child’s needs and the parent’s needs. 5:15 Having options is a necessary element in our mental health - Noticing your “choices” 7:10 Helping parents helps our children: realizing that your mood impacts your child’s mood 11:50 GIve your child (or anyone) permission to actually have the big emotions 13:20 Main dialectic dilemma between Acceptance and Change
20:25 A description of three states of mind (illustration of states of mind in show notes) 22: 50 Take your time teaching these skills to your child: repeat it, use different metaphors, say it differently, use different examples 25:00 Skills to use to move your child from emotion mind to wise mind
25:44 Explaining how to move from the sympathetic nervous system to the parasympathetic nervous system to help us regulate 31:41 Do you feel different? Is the helpful question 34:32 weave the DBT skills and emotional regulation language into your everyday language. 36:13 Exposure work can be done as gentle exercises to help your child with uncomfortable situations
The goal is not to avoid the problem, the goal is to be reduce your emotion and return to the problem Resources: NEABPD free Webinar presented by Leslie Cohen-Rubury titled “Defiance, Disrespect and Disobedience: What it is and What to do about it.” Click here to register Handout on Mindfulness Breathing Exercises Leslie-ism: When you feel stuck, look for the options (I promise you they are there) For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcas | |||
| Jean & Alex Part 2 of 3: When Your Child Wants a Lot of Your Attention | 08 avr. 2025 | 00:46:21 | |
Parents get exhausted because parenting is exhausting. Parents also can get exhausted because they are in essence tripping over their own feet. Have you ever thought that your worry thoughts are the thing that is contributing to your exhaustion? Whether it's your child or yourself, worry makes people uncomfortable. In this episode, we talk about teaching her child to handle discomfort through exposure work. And when parents practice what they preach, their children are so much more likely to learn those lessons.That’s a parenting gem. We also focus on how personal vulnerability plays into parenting, how to manage the frustration and how to find solutions through synthesis Time Stamps 5:04 Learning to live with someone else is a spiritual practice - the frustration is a given and it teaches us to learn to tolerate differences 7:35 A Dialectic Dilemma - I want alone time vs I want to be with you all the time
17:50 If we meet our child’s need when it's small, we may be able to keep it from escalating 20:30: Three strategies for dealing with Kids who want your attention
22:04 Take responsibility for your own “frustration or irritation” - Own it, Name it 22:47 Be who you are, Accept who you are AND also work on Change! 25:08 Radical acceptance the normal frustration 25:30 Tolerating Differences is something children can learn when parents are different 26:25 Talking about the idea of our children “pushing our buttons” clinically called vulnerabilities and a prompting event for emotional reactions 28:23 Beware of blaming and shaming your child if you think your reaction is their fault. 31:15 Children are trying to meet their needs: Parents can interpret that as manipulation or believing that the child is “powering over you” 32:20 Children who ask questions over and over again may need reassurance 33:36 Lean into the child’s problematic behavior with curiosity and send it back to the child. Don’t make it about you. Make it about her 36:00 The homework assignment of making a list of “I CAN HANDLE IT” - listing when she had a struggle and how she handled it 38:28 Advice for Parents: Try a little less hard. Trying too hard: making everything a lesson, trying to get it so right. General Surgeon said Parents are too stressed and its affedcting their mental health Resources: US General Surgeon’s Advisory Article on “Parents Under Pressure” Embark Behavioral Health Article on All or Nothing Thinking: The Impact of a Black and White Mentality Leslie's Handout on Images of Dialectic Synthesis Leslie-ism: Remember you don’t have buttons that your child pushes, but you do have vulnerabilities. Take a look and recognize those vulnerabilities so your kids don't do it first For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, | |||
| Bonus Episode: Understanding Problematic Thinking Patterns | 03 avr. 2025 | 00:16:51 | |
This is the third mini bonus episode that looks at rigid thinking which is quite common in both adults and children. It often leads to frustration and even conflict within yourself and in your relationships. In this episode, we explain problematic thinking patterns, identify lots of examples and how to catch and change your thinking to help you live more effectively to get what you want and deserve. Time Stamps 1:40 Definition of Rigid thinking and its various names:
3:01 LImits of Dichotomous thinking - creates conflict because it
4:35 There is an impact of your words on both yourself and on others 5:04 These are cognitive skills - understanding and observing your thoughts 6:20 Label thoughts as “a thought is just a thought” — Planning thoughts, worry thoughts, judgmental thoughts 7:50 Society teaches us and reinforces all or nothing and dichotomous thinking 8:45 First step is to recognize your thoughts
12:28 Strategies:
13:13 Learn to think dialectically
Resources: Handout of Problematic Thinking Patterns (formerly called thinking errors) Leslie-ism: When it comes to your problematic thinking pattern - look for it, catch it, and change it For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible. | |||
| Jean & Alex Part 1 of 3: When Your Kid Can't Handle Needles or Bandaids | 01 avr. 2025 | 00:41:09 | |
Children need to feel safe and capable as they venture out into the world. Jean and Alex are parents who came to me for help with their 6 year old daughter’s challenging behavior when she didn’t feel safe or capable. Ellie is a highly sensitive child for whom getting a shot and then taking off the bandaid have turned doctor visits into scary events for both Ellie and her mom. In this episode we assess the problem and discuss how rigid thinking make these situations so difficult and ultimately what you can do about it. This episode will get you thinking about your own thinking patterns and help you understand the importance of feeling safe and capable in your life or your child’s life Time Stamps 4:30 The bandaid coming off is not going to be a lifelong issue. It’s the sensitivity that will the lifelong issue 6:05 Anticipatory Anxiety is thinking ahead of what could go wrong 6: 25 Problematic thinking patterns: See handout below 9:36 Avoidance is a short term solution to a problem of discomfort but not a long term solution 11:58 The balance between respect and authority.
13:10 Here’s how to deal with the anxiety
17:15 Replace “good and bad” with “is it working and is it not working” 18:00 When children have a big emotions there may be an underlying belief, “I am not safe, I am not capable or I am unloveable” 21:25 The learning after an exposure is a critical for growth
23:50 Some children/adults are slow return to baseline after an event 28 50 Watch out for the “shoulds” and the fears 30:00 Make a list of handling-my-discomfort-list even when its a struggle 31:05 Using the line “Feelings come and feeling go” 34:10 Shaping her behavior so her communication becomes more accurate.
35:35 Children who are born more sensitive: Look at 3 biological markers
36:10 Teach your children the difference between rigid thinking vs. flexible thinking
Resources: Leslie-ism: Shift your thinking by shifting your language For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie | |||
| When To Give In and When To Stand Firm with Special Guest Amy Kalasunas | 25 mars 2025 | 00:39:03 | |
One of the more common questions parents ask is when do I give in and when do I stand firm. Todays special guest speaker is an expert on this question. Amy Kalasunas is a board certified Dialectic Behavior Therapist who, among other things, provides interventions for parents of struggling and complex young adults using DBT and SPACE, which stands for Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions. We talk all about how parents can make an effective decision as to when to accommodate to their child’s big emotions and intense behaviors and when it's not effective. Time Stamps 15:05 Six ways that parents accommodate
19:35 How to decide whether or not to accommodate
22:25 Explanation of Three States of Mind - wise mind, emotion mind, reasonable mind 30:05 SPACE redefines what it means to support your child
34:00 Aim lower: Slice the salami thinner and set smaller realistic expectations Leslie-ism: Check in with yourself about your own bandwidth when dealing with your child. Resources: DIalectic Behavior Therapy Resources DBTSelfHelp.com Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions - SPACE Website For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible. | |||
| Bonus Episode: Understanding Shame | 20 mars 2025 | 00:14:33 | |
This is the second mini bonus episode where we will focus on understanding shame. In this bonus episode we discuss the difference between shame and guilt, the beliefs and myths associated with shame and an effective skill to deal with shame. Shame was present in the third session with Sarah in its many forms. Our children can feel shame even when we try very hard not to shame them. As parents we can easily feel shame that we carry from our childhood or trying to do this job called parenting. And this list goes on. Time Stamps 1:49 Defining Shame 2:22 Identifying some myths that go along with shame
2:32 Defining Guilt 4:00 Child can internalize shame through interpretations that they are doing 4:45 Overt Shaming - the “should” statements and other judgments 5:55 Myths are mistaken beliefs 7:30 When the shame is not justified or is not effective because of the duration of the feeling or the intensity of the feeling 7:55 Opposite Action
12:35 Separate the behavior and the interpretations of that behavior
Resources:
For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible. | |||
| Sarah Part 3 of 3: When Parents and Kids Feel Shame | 18 mars 2025 | 00:55:09 | |
Shame is a common emotion but a painful one as well. In this episode we talk about shame and its many forms. Children feel shame, parents feel shame and we can unintentionally pass down shame to our children. This is my third and final session with Sarah, a mom of two boys James, 12 yrs old and Noah 15 yrs old. Sarah and her husband are both ex-military and we discuss the impact of military life on mental health and how that impacts the family. It may be surprising to learn that in this episode I also talk sitting with emotions and about “embracing the struggle”. Time Stamps 3:43 Learning to sit with mistakes, learning to sit with emotions, learning to sit with discomfort. 5:30 Being in the discomfort and in the unknown brings up anxiety 5:50 Taking hold of your mind: Definition of Mindfulness 6:05 Paced breathing turns off the sympathetic nervous system to the parasympathetic nervous system - exhale twice as long as the inhale 8:00 Mindfulness to current emotion skill - DBT skill
11:59 A child who is struggling with their emotions is not “losing”, its living! 12:29 Get away from winning and losing language…all behavior is grist for the mill 13:13 Embrace the struggles - accept myself first and then change to improve 13:57 Trials of medications is tricky 16:45 Pay attention to the context - the timing of your child’s challenging behavior
21:08 Description of Emotion Mind (DBT skill) also described as a “ring of fire” 22:30 Description of Wise Mind where you can begin to problem solving 27:15 Distraction is an effective distress tolerance skill but be careful not to use it to avoid your emotions 28:30 Walking the middle path 29:48 Raising emotionally intelligent boys 32:24 - 36:16 Being open about mental health struggles in the family reduces shame 37:08 How much information do you share with children? 38:03 There is a natural tendency for children to assume that “its their fault” when their parent is upset. Check in with your child! 40:26 Explaining that adults are responsible for their own reactions 43:12 Parents need to check in with their own shame “am I good enough” 46:20 How your actions to be fully involved with your children can have unintended consequences of pushing away your child 48:20 description of being an active listener so Children feel UNDERSTOOD 49:49 Active listening means taking a non-judgmental stance as resist the urge to be the “fixer” 51:00 Clarify the intention of a conversation - do you want to be heard or do you want advice? Leslie-ism: It's never too late to address the roots of your shame. Resources:
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| Sarah Part 2 of 3: When Parents Struggle with Control | 11 mars 2025 | 00:41:31 | |
Kids are not the only ones who are controlling and trying to get what they want. As parents we do the same thing. We really want what we want and we act in controlling ways to achieve those ends. This is the second session with Sarah, mother of 2 boys, 12 year old James and 15 year old Noah where we explore topics, including when one sibling tries to parent the other, when children feel responsible for their parents’ emotions, how to let our kids make mistakes and how to be a less controlling parent. Time Stamps 4:55 Words with strong negative connotation - Negotiation, control and dictating - 5:35 reframed as giving our child personal power with a voice and agency. This is respect if you change your perspective 6:15 Finding the middle ground vs Finding a synthesis 7:04 When your child likes to negotiate…let them have the last word 7:10-13:40 Role play - A one way conversation vs a two way conversation
13:32 Sometimes we need to accept that our child is going to have their big emotions 15:50 Validation and reflect back and appreciate the positive in your child’s behavior
19:35 When the child worries about disappointing the parent and acts like a “good kid” to prevent you from getting upset. This is how a child tries to take care of the parent 21:40 Children often worry more about their parents being upset than the sibling being dysregulated
24: 50 Role play with validation 27:08 When someone escalates, they probably feel invalidated.
28:15 Keep it short and sweet. Say LESS - listen twice as much as we speak 32:00 If you say or do something that you are not happy with, own it. Own your own reactions and ask for a redo 33:59 The antidote to controlling your child is to practice acceptance of the moment 35:49 Sarah’s own advice “in the uncomfortable is where we learn 36:11 Learning to be less controlling is letting your our children make mistakes or have their feelings
Leslei’s Handout on a Dialectic Synthesis Leslie’s Video on Listening to Your Own Advice Leslie-ism: “In the uncomfortable is where we learn” by Sarah For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support | |||
| Bonus Episode: Understanding Why a Good Parent-Child Fit Matters | 06 mars 2025 | 00:17:10 | |
Welcome to the first mini-bonus episode where I focus on one or two key concepts or skills in a conversation with my producer Alletta Cooper. Every once in a while we will add one of these bonus episodes to further explain a concept/skill that came up in the previous session. In this episode I explore and explain what the parent-child fit is and why it is so important. In parenting, there are often conflicting needs and wants. Navigating these dilemmas and finding solutions is critical for creating a validating environment which fosters a "good" parent-child fit. Time Stamps 1:48 Defining the parent-child fit 3:21 The “goodness” of fit vs the “poor” fit 4:03 Creating a safe environment for the child to feel safe, feel capable, feel seen 4:45 Balancing between accepting your child vs changing your child 6:34 Figuring out what works to validate everyone’s needs 6:44 Respect = creating a validating environment 6:58 An example of unintentionally creating an invalidating environment 8:30 A dialectic dilemma is the tension between expectations or needs 8:40 The synthesis is the solution to the dilemma 9:10 Name it for the child that they may be different but not bad! 10:38 Asking parents to open their eyes to ALL of their children, not just the child with the disruptive behaviors 11:57 - 16:08 Steps to create a good parent-child fit
Resources: Leslie’s Handout: Understanding the Parent Child Fit
For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible. | |||
| Sarah Part 1 of 3: When your Teen is a Great Negotiator | 04 mars 2025 | 00:41:54 | |
Welcome to Season 3! We start this season off with a family from Australia. Sarah is a mom of 2 boys- James is 12, Noah is 15, Sarah and her husband are both ex-military personnel which has a direct impact on their parenting. In today’s episode we discuss how Sarah’s parenting style matches with James who has been recently diagnosed with ADHD, Autism, and Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Many parents can probably relate to Sarah who tween is a really good negotiator especially when it comes to getting off video games. We explore the big picture concept of the parent-child fit. I also discuss and teach practical skills including setting the stage, coping ahead, and brainstorming to support Sarah in her parenting. Time Stamps 6:18 How a parent feels when a child is defiant: 7:30 When a parent is works on rules and boundaries and command and your child doesn’t work that way 8:55 Children who work well with predictability and structure like knowing what will happen and when it will happen and how it's going to happen. 10:30 Sarah changes her words from “his emotional regulation problems” to emotional regulation that is still developing 11:36 Raising an obedient child is different from raising a responsible child 11:41- 14:40 1When a parent thinks that a child’s behavior is a reflection of them (personalizing their behavior) and which leads to mom-guilt 17:00 When parents get diagnosis for their child and when they fear how their child will respond to a diagnosis 18:32 Describing the concept of a “good fit” between the child and the parent as well as the child and its school environment 20:42 The difference between a validating environment and an invalidating environment 23:49 Turn the volume down on the “shoulds” and increase the volume up on the learning. What have I learned from this? - A learning model of raising kids 26:55 When your child is an avid gamer and the challenges associated with it. 28:35 Describing a skill called “Setting the Stage” - prepare your child for what is likely to happen and how they will respond vs how they want to respond 30:50 An example of using the brainstorming skill 34:47 Don’t judge the big emotional reactions, just plan for it 35:50 A description of the Cope Ahead Skill (from Dialectic Behavior Therapy) 38:10 Practicing skills over and over again is what makes them effective 39:00 Parenting is a long-term investment Resources: Leslie’s Handout: Understanding the Parent Child Fit Leslie’s Handout: Misbehavior is a form of communication Leslie’s Handout: Raising a Responsible Child vs Raising an Obedient Child Dialectic Behavior Therapy Cope Ahead Skill Handout Leslie-ism: Take a look at your parent-child fit, For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produ | |||
| Help us Shape Season 3 of Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Skills Podcast | 21 janv. 2025 | 00:01:22 | |
Help us shape Season 3 of Is My Child A Monster?! For the first time ever we’re doing a listener survey. You have the opportunity to tell us what you love —or would love less of — on Is My Child A Monster! The anonymous survey should take less than 10 minutes, and you’re welcome to answer as much or as little as you like. We’d love your thoughts even if you’ve never listened, help us understand why! Or maybe this is a good time to check out an episode.
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| Giving and Receiving Feedback with Special Guest Dale Rubury | 08 oct. 2024 | 00:46:51 | |
Do you need feedback? Of course you do. We all do! But giving and receiving feedback whether it's from or to your child or co-parent can be challenging. Feedback can often feel like criticism and can even feel invalidating. This episode is all about giving and receiving feedback skillfully so that you or the other person doesn’t become defensive or shut down. Today’s episode welcomes back Leslie’s daughter Dale Rubury who shares how she moved from the defensive stance as a child to the open and willing stance as an adult. Time Stamps:
Resources:
Leslie-ism: Growing as a parent is about being open to new ideas, open to learning, and open to feedback. For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special | |||
| The Power of Books with Guest Speaker Deborah Farmer Kris | 01 oct. 2024 | 00:41:28 | |
Exposure to books makes a big difference for children. Reading not only fosters cognitive and emotional development but also builds closeness and routines. This week, Leslie spoke to author Deborah Farmer Kris about her experience as a teacher and parent, highlighting the unique needs of each child and the intellectual and emotional challenges of parenting. Kris also promotes the use of public libraries and simple, consistent reading routines. Kris's books, including those in the "All the Time" series, aim to teach emotional literacy and provide caregiver tips. She stresses that being a stable, caring adult is crucial for a child's resilience and well-being. About our guest: Deborah Farmer Kris is a parent educator, journalist, and children’s book author. Deborah has written for CNN, PBS KIDS, NPR, The Washington Post, the Boston Globe Magazine, and Oprah Daily. She is an advisor for the PBS KIDS show “Carl the Collector,” and is wrapping up edits on a parenting book, called “Raising Awe Seekers: How the Science of Wonder Can Help Our Kids Thrive.” She also founded the parenting website Parenthood365 9:50 Cascading benefits of reading aloud- many cognitive benefits 12:15 Building memories, building routines 13:50 Creating a literacy rich environment
15:13 Libraries are under utilized which are free and public 19:20 Creative ways to bring books into the lives of children 22:40 Comprehension is higher than one’s ability to read 25:50 Books can teach emotional literacy 30:43 “I notice….” is a phrase you can use to open the door to communication 33: 20 Books have a therapeutic effect on children and adults alike
36:07 Harvard ‘s research study on resilience in children found that it boils down to one factor: the presence of one stable, caring adult in their life. Resources:
Leslie-ism: Try to find 10 minutes a day to read to your child For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.
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| Mary and Antoine Part 3 of 3: When Parents Fight | 24 sept. 2024 | 00:51:27 | |
An unspoken agreement with parents raising children is that they will be on the same page and they will be a united front. But that is often easier said than done. In part 3 of our 3 part series with Mary, her husband Antoine joins us to discuss what happens when they disagree, how it affects their 6 year old Oliver, and what they’re doing to make sure they come back together in healthy ways. Time Stamps
Resources:
Leslie-ism: Mutual respect is key for repairing relationship ruptures For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.
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| Mary Part 2 of 3: When Kids Have a Low Frustration Tolerance | 17 sept. 2024 | 00:43:20 | |
Sometimes there’s nothing more frustrating than dealing with a frustrated child. In part 2 of our 3 part series with Mary, mother of six-year-old Oliver and a newborn baby James, Leslie explores just how exhausting being stuck in the frustration loop with your child can be—and how to break out of it. They also get into bedtime, setting limits, and parenting guilt. Time Stamps
Leslie-ism: Learn as you go, learn from the past, and learn from mistakes. Resources:
Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible. | |||
| Mary Part 1 of 3: When Your Kid Hates Change | 10 sept. 2024 | 00:46:42 | |
Dealing with change can sometimes feel like ripping off a bandaid. Change is stressful, whether you are five or 55; and people respond to those changes in all different ways. And it is especially challenging when you are someone who likes structure, order, and predictability. In today’s episode Leslie explores this topic with Mary. We met Mary last season when she was seeking support around grief and sleep for her then four-year-old-son, Oliver. Things have changed in Oliver's world, and that's why Mary’s back. The past year has been full of transitions and adjustments for Oliver and his family. Starting a new school year and having a new baby in the home are some of those changes that most parents can relate to. Time Stamps 4:37 Change is the only constant and children respond to those changes in many different ways. School, new siblings, caregivers all create change in family life. 8:13 Assess your child’s behavior as they respond to changes 12:04 Adjustments can feel scary, frustrating or full of unknowns 12:53 Reestablishing his sense of safety, connection and groundedness 16:60 Parents want things to go right, and be right. Adjustments are often “messy moments” 17:15 Buddhist phrase: no mud, no lotus 19:18 The child needs validation AND the parent needs validation, and that’s so hard 20:30 Anxiety often underlies the No’s, the opposition, the resistance, and the rigidity 21:27 Don’t ask WHY questions. Make a few statements to choose from 22:10 For nail biting, avoid saying “don’t do that” and instead suggest what else the child can do with their hands. 26:57 Part of a parent’s job is to guide their child through the unknown 31:57 When your child says “no,” unpack that no with them. YES AND approach for the child who doesn’t want to hear a NO 32:40 Teach your child that feelings come and go. Create anchors for the anxious child 37:15 Help your child Balance out the knowns and the unknowns, the predictable and the unpredictable. Leslie-ism: You can be an anchor for your child in the sea of change. Resources
For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on | |||
| Calm the Chaos: Parenting Neurodivergent Kids with Special Guest Dayna Abraham | 03 sept. 2024 | 00:41:49 | |
Having a roadmap to deal with your child’s Intense emotions and behaviors sounds like a great idea. Oftentimes when parents reach out for professional help, they want changes and they want them NOW. But instant results are not always the reality of raising children. On today’s episode Leslie has a conversation with bestselling author and educator Dayna Abraham about raising neurodivergent children and offering listeners a roadmap that can help. We also focus on making sure our kids don’t grow up feeling “badly” about themselves even if they do feel different by creating changes in their home environment About our guest Dayna Abraham: Dayna Abraham, bestselling author of Calm the Chaos: A Fail-Proof Roadmap for Parenting Even the Most Challenging Kids. As a National Board Certified educator, parent of three neurodivergent children, and an ADHD adult herself, Dayna brings a unique and out-of-the-box perspective to parents raising kids in the modern world. Time Stamps
Leslie-ism: The first step to help yourself and your child is to ride out the storm. Show Note LInks:
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| Pedro & Claudia Part 3 of 3: When Nagging Your Kid Doesn't Work | 27 août 2024 | 00:51:54 | |
Is there an epidemic of overparenting? And if so, where does it come from? Is it parenting from a place of fear, from a place of information overload, from the anxiety that is all around us, the drive to make our children perfect or is it from the frustration of trying to raise a child who doesn’t do what you want them to do? In this third and final session with Pedro and Claudia, Leslie explores these questions. Pedro and Claudia want to be the best parents they can be to their 16 year old son LIam, but are overparenting and doing too much undermining their efforts? Leslie turns her attention to the “overparenting problem” that’s shaping the next generation, and leaving them with lasting consequences. Together Leslie, Pedro, and Claudia discuss how to pivot from being “nagging” parents, to “chill” ones, and how to do that while still instilling your child with your core values and healthy limits. 3:10 The impact of “less is more” motto on the parent-child relationship (yes we are well aware of the reversal in the podcast where by Pedro and Leslie said “more is less” 5:15 Parenting is forgiving 8:43 Three ways to change your behavior as a parent
14:25/16:39 The benefits of being a bit more “CHILL” 14:52 Finding the balance - the middle path of parenting (see the video in the show notes) 17:25 Overparenting as result of parenting from a place of fear 19:40 The myth of the parenting “deadline” 21:25 The metaphor of a plant growing and the space it needs (see video below) 24:04 Understanding who your child is to is in order to build a foundation for them
29:43 Parents have the privilege of seeing every side of their child 30:29 We want to send the message that a child is a whole person, and that includes the good the bad and the ugly 35:16 What are you missing? What is your child’s perspective? Parents often skip this step 36:50 How would you validate your child (clue to finding their perspective) 39:07 Reframing from “my child is taking the easy way out” and “manipulating” to “he’s doing what works” 44:14 Have faith that your child will be able to solve their own problems as they grow as adults 44:39 We don’t want our children to be afraid of growing up - what can parents do about this? Show Note Links:
Leslie-ism: Beware of Overparenting. Remember Less is More! For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.
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| Pedro & Claudia Part 2 of 3: When Panic Attacks Disrupt the Whole Family | 20 août 2024 | 00:45:54 | |
Anxiety attacks are not something we ever want to see our kids suffer through, especially if as parents we suffer them as well. In her second session with Pedro and Claudia, Leslie explores panic attacks and how they might differ from parent and child. The session also takes a turn towards the idea of “having the last word,” and what negative things are being reinforced when you continue to have this power struggle with your child. Time Stamps
Show Note Links: NIH Research Article on Panic Disorder and Best Practices TIPP Skills including a Video of Divers reflex skill New York Times Article about Inside Out 2 Leslie-ism: When you feel panic coming on, tell yourself, “I am safe and I am capable”. For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and | |||
| Pedro & Claudia: Part 1 of 3: Fear and Frustration when Parenting your Teen | 13 août 2024 | 00:49:34 | |
Sometimes parenting is so hard and exhausting, it doesn't feel worth it. In today’s session, Pedro and Claudia explain how much energy and effort they have spent trying to raise their 16 yr old teenage son Liam who has been diagnosed with Autism, ADHD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. While supportive, Pedro and Claudia are met with resistance at every turn, and have yet to see results from their parenting. Is that an assumption or is that really true? In this episode, Leslie checks the facts, unpacks the fear and frustration, and addresses these issues with an upbeat and hopeful shift in perspective as well as practical strategies to try. Time Stamps 4:35 What is your definition of being a good parent - getting the results from your child 5:09 Growing up with the culture of the “village” when raising a child and the support that comes with that 7:15 Feeling isolated when friends have neurotypical kids and you have a neurodivergent kid 8:45 Myths or limiting beliefs: We don’t want to burden other people with our problems 14:05 It’s more challenging dealing with a teen with diagnoses than with a toddler with diagnoses 16:00 Remember to see your child’s strengths in order to get a whole picture 16:55 Wanting your child to achieve their potential can be a great deal of pressure for both parents and teens 21:00 Raising your child with Values creates a solid foundation 21:30 The frustration and fear of raising the teenager when you are getting the results you expect 28:58 Fear impacts your parenting mindset and perspective. Where would you be without the expectations? Fear feeds frustration which feeds feeling like a failure 29:50 What behaviors are due to his diagnoses vs what’s developmental and age appropriate (see show notes for a handout) 31:00 Toddlers and teenagers have a lot in common. Learning to individuate and differentiate from their parents. This is when they practice saying NO to use their voice 32:25 The value of empathy that is expressed even after the situation 33:08 Give your child the problem and let them solve it rather than telling your child what to do. Teach your child to find a synthesis when problem solving 38:30 The quality of being strong-willed and the behavior of getting the last word - relates to the child who has a single track mind 40:00 Save your Breath and listen twice as much as you talk 41:50 Turn the volume down on your passion for raising your son 42:55 Your parenting effort IS working. Have faith in the process. It takes patience 44:45 Finding your “Passion” or living to your “potential” are dirty words because they put pressure on you and your child
Leslie-ism: Save your breath when parenting, listen twice as much as you talk For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, | |||
| The Life of a Rule Follower with Guest Dale Rubury | 06 août 2024 | 00:35:30 | |
“How can my child be a rule follower if they always say no to the family rules?” Leslie often catches parents off guard by suggesting that their child may actually be a rule follower. In this episode, Leslie has a conversation with her daughter Dale about what it’s like to grow up as a rule follower. In this episode Leslie and Dale explore the many traits that are often associated with the rule-following child such as perfectionism and intense focus on fairness. Assessing whether you or your child is a rule-follower may not be so obvious but may be critically important to understanding their behavior and ways of thinking. This conversation pulls back the curtain on what really goes on in the mind of the rule-following child. Time Stamps
Show Note Links:
Leslie-ism: Flexible thinking takes practice. For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.
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| Hannah & Alex Part 3 of 3: The Balancing Act of Parenting | 30 juil. 2024 | 00:48:28 | |
It’s no secret that parenting is a challenge. We want our children to be happy, and it can be difficult to see them upset or hurting. Leslie has been working through this with Hannah and Alex, parents of three year old Paxton, who’ve returned for their third and final session. Together they reinforce the changes they’ve already implemented with Paxton, like correcting habits and communicating clearly. Leslie also shows them how they’re setting Paxton up for success now when it comes to very adult things like handling disappointment and pain. Hannah and Alex have also begun communicating their emotions more clearly, adopting the “emotion mind” language with each other, which in turn helps model it for Paxton. Time Stamps
Youtube channel videos on Behaviorism Leslie-ism: When your urge is to react, take a pause and then choose to respond. For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible. | |||
| Hannah & Alex Part 2 of 3: When Saying No to your Kid feels Impossible | 23 juil. 2024 | 00:42:47 | |
There are many reasons why children feel uncomfortable. And when your child is uncomfortable you as the parent often feel uncomfortable. This week we’re back with Hannah and Alex for their second session, who have come to Leslie about their three year old son Paxton. These parents are vulnerable with Leslie when they speak about how hard it is for them to say no to Paxton when he wants something. They also admit that they regret some of the parenting choices they’ve made with Paxton, and fear that they are responsible for some of their son’s habits. Hindsight is hindsight. The focus of the session is about figuring out what to do now in the present time. But these parents are committed to growing and changing and Leslie is there for them every step of the way. Time Stamps
Show Note Link For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.
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| Hannah & Alex Part 1 of 3: When you Feel Unprepared to be a Parent | 16 juil. 2024 | 00:43:38 | |
Parenting is often counterintuitive and makes the job of parenting even more complex. Whether it's saying no to your child using technology or saying goodbye to your child, understanding the short term and the long term benefits and consequences is important. This is just one of the topics we explore in this episode with Hannah and Alex and their 3 year old son Paxton. The struggles of being parents of a toddler, the hindsight of seeing what they may have done that has made things worse and the desire to raise an emotionally intelligent child are some of the other issues that they work on with Leslie. The practical tools as well as understanding concepts from Dialectic Behavior Therapy are useful to parents with children of any age. Time Stamps
Resources:
Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Coop | |||
| Louise & George Part 3 of 3: When a Parent Feels like a Trainee | 09 juil. 2024 | 00:46:54 | |
Sometimes when parenting a child that is struggling, tensions arise between the parents. This especially goes for parents with different parenting styles, or those with different levels of experience with young children. This is what Leslie gets into on this week’s episode with Louise and George. In her third and final session with the parents of six-year-old Anna and a newborn baby, Leslie uncovers the vulnerabilities of parents who want to break away from the way they were parented and feel like they want to do better when dealing with their daughter who has intense emotions. This session is a raw look at what it means to make mistakes as a parent and we invite you to listen with compassion and openness.
Resources:
Leslie-ism: Focus on the process of parenting, not just the outcome. For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubur | |||
| Louise & George Part 2 of 3: Parenting Your Child Without Punishments or Rewards | 02 juil. 2024 | 00:40:37 | |
Louise and George have committed to parenting without force and want to parent without punishments or rewards, but what happens when their six year old Anna has what feels like never-ending tantrums? In her second session with them, Leslie reinforces the importance of connection, and sheds light on the pressures Anna may be putting on herself. Leslie also continues her conversation with George about helping him find joy in parenting. In an incredibly honest and vulnerable conversation, they talk about what it feels like when there’s a favored parent, what might be causing this behavior, and what Dad should do to change that. Time Stamps
Resources:
Leslie-ism: Try to stay one step ahead of your child. For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible. | |||
| Louise & George Part 1 of 3: When You and Your Kid "Flip Your Lid" | 25 juin 2024 | 00:40:11 | |
Leslie delves into one of the most common challenges parents face: how to navigate a strong-willed child who doesn’t do what you want them to do, This is first session with Louise and George who have a 6 year old daughter Anna and a newborn baby. They bring to light the frustration many parents feel when their child refuses to do simple tasks, like brushing teeth or following a bedtime routine. And it is understandable when the frustration leads to the feeling that parenting is like a slog. This episode also focuses on the different parenting styles and how that might be impacting their child’s behavior. 6:35 Start with Compassion for yourself as a parent since this job is really hard
20:35 Yetzer Hara and Yetzer Tov - two ideas from Wendy Mogel’s book The Blessing of A Skinned Knee Resources:: For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.
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