Explore every episode of the podcast The Refined Collective Podcast

Clarity is kind

• It’s been months since I’ve shared a podcast episode with you.

• I had to get clear with myself on how I wanted to move forward before I could communicate it clearly to you.

• Post-sabbatical, I still felt drained and like I had so little to give.

• I’ve spent a lot of time feeling discouraged by the results of my podcast. But it finally hit me that even if I make $8k on the podcast, I spent $7k on the podcast.

• As I told you in January, my vision for this year is “less is more” and “simplify.” In an effort to follow that vision and promise, this will be my final podcast episode (potentially ever).

Here’s what staying in touch looks like moving forward…

• Patreon

• patreon.com/therefinedcollective

• You can join for $5/mo (or $5/mo if you want access to the book club)

• We have four events each month:

• Exclusive video (this month I’m talking about the Barbie movie)

• Coaching Q+A video (you ask questions, I answer them)

• Connection call (this month, we’re chatting about embodiment)

• Book club (this month, we’re reading Shameless by Nadia Bolz-Weber)

• Coaching

• I still offer coaching in my shop! You can purchase individual or bundles of coaching calls therefinedwoman.com/coaching.

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I feel like I start every episode with “this week’s episode, I’m doing things a little differently,” and that’s because I’m really just playing around with what feels good! Since before my sabbatical, I’ve felt lost as to what to share on the podcast. So this week, I decided to do something I thought would be fun (and maybe you’ll think it’s fun too)... an episode where I talk about five things I’m LOVING right now. Are you ready?

Resources

• Join Patreon here and sign up for book club! This month is Falling Upward by Richard Rohr.

• Go to link.primallypure.com/therefinedwoman and use code TRW10 for 10% off. P.S. if you want 25% off, follow me on IG and keep an eye out for a code on May 11th. The code will only be valid on May 11th!

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This week, we’re doing something a little different and very exciting: Kobe Campbell is guest hosting an episode of The Refined Collective with her husband Kyle (the hosts of The Healing Circle Podcast). In this episode, Kobe will be breaking down the different types of traumas, the nuances of each, and what they can look like in your life.

Trauma Myth

• We can sometimes have this perspective of “Trauma” and “trauma” where we have an idea that one is worse than the other. But that is NOT the case!

• There are boulders (acute trauma) and pebbles (chronic trauma), and even though pebbles are smaller, they become a large mass as the number of pebbles grow.

• “Our body processes emotional pain almost identically to the way it processes physical pain.” - Kobe Campbell

Acute Trauma

• A single traumatic incident. 

• This is what most people think of when they think of trauma. This includes major traumatic events like getting hit by a car, being sexually assaulted, or your house catching on fire.

• Even going through the pandemic can be considered an acute trauma.

Chronic Trauma

• Prolonged and ongoing abuse or pain.

• This might be the fact that your feelings were always dismissed by your parents growing up.

• “If your internal voice is mimicking the external invalidation you’ve heard your entire life, you’ve experienced chronic emotional trauma.” - Kobe Campbell

Complex Trauma

• A combination of acute and chronic trauma and/or several acute traumas or several chronic traumas.

• “Trauma freezes you in time… There are a lot of 9-year-olds trapped in 50-year-old bodies.” - Kobe Campbell

• Kobe’s husband, Kyle, shares his own story of complex trauma.

Resources

• Join Patreon here and listen to another Kobe episode!

• Order Kobe’s book Why Am I Like This?

• Work with Kobe Campbell.

• Join Kobe’s inner circle.

• Listen to The Healing Circle Podcast.

• Listen to Kobe on TRC ep 174 “Is It The Holy Spirit Or My Trauma?”

• Listen to Kobe on TRC ep 150 “When Is It Time To Go To Therapy?”

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Mike Maeshiro is the founder of Numa, an organization that supports people in deconstruction, spirituality, and faith. Mike is gay, an advocate for the LGBTQ+ community, and a queer theology enthusiast. He is a life coach, speaker and thought leader. In this episode, Mike shares his story of coming out, the beliefs that kept him in the closet for so long, and why he still believes in God as a gay person.

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Language disclaimer: this episode includes explicit language so maybe listen with headphones if you’re around children.

As you all know, I took a sabbatical last fall. I needed that time to focus on my own growth and healing without having a microphone in my hand. One thing I knew I wanted to experience during my time away from The Refined Collective was a psilocybin journey (aka mushroom journey). I know there are a lot of immediate reactions that come to mind when someone hears something like that. And I know there are a million questions that you want answered. This episode is a deep dive into the 2-day guided mushroom journey, including why I felt at peace with the decision.

It is important to note that I am not a doctor and this experience is not for everybody. But I wanted to share with you what my experience was like.

My Background

• I come from a family with addiction in it, and so I have always been careful about all substances. On top of that growing up Christian—I assumed anything drug related would be an open doorway for the demonic. For these reasons and so many more, I never thought a mushroom journey would be something I’d do.

• A few years ago I started hearing rumblings of people I knew micro-dosing mushrooms to support things like PTSD, anxiety, and depression.  Out of curiosity, I started doing some research of my own.

• Three years into my research, I was presented with an opportunity to take part in a guided journey and I felt ready to do it.

The Basics

• I checked in with my therapist, my doctor, and my family. Everyone knew I was taking part in this experience.

• The experience cost $500 and was led by three facilitators and there was a doctor on the premises as well. It felt incredibly safe.

• The mushrooms themselves were put into a sort of hot chocolate.

The Breakthroughs

• I felt so held by God during this experience. I knew God was there with me and that I was safe even in the unknown of what this experience would feel like.

• There was a particular moment from childhood that came up and brought up some heavy and powerful physical reactions.

Resources

• Join Patreon here!

• Fantastic Fungi documentary on Netflix 

• How to Change Your Mind by Michael Pollan 

• The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk 

• Old episodes of TRC about anxiety 

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Language disclaimer: this episode includes explicit language so maybe listen with headphones if you’re around children.

You know how when you say something to your best friend it's not as scary as saying it to an audience of thousands of people so you feel free to be completely honest and vulnerable? Well my best friend and I recorded an episode that we didn't think we'd ever share, but here it is! We really just let ‘er rip in this convo. We talk about:

• What if we gave ourselves the permission to feel anger?

• Navigating disappointment in dating

• Why is the bar set so low for men in dating right now?

• Are our dating expectations too high?

• Are we expecting our partner to meet needs for us they were never meant to need?

• How do we process our disappointment in dating without turning into a bitter + cynical single woman (you know “that girl”...we’ve all met her!)

• Why is voicing our needs in a romantic relationship so hard?

• How owning my voice in dating has been as vulnerable as it has been liberating!

Feeling Frustrated

• We share recent stories of being ghosted and stood up and how we felt about those situations and how we responded to them.

• “It feels really vulnerable to put on a podcast because I get afraid that if I’m really honest about how disappointed I am with my experience with men, being a 37 year old woman, I become the ‘bitter single woman.’”

What We’re Working On

• Tutti talks a lot about voicing her needs being something she wants to prioritize moving forward.

• I share a breakthrough moment where I sent a text to a guy who stood me up— a text I wouldn’t have ever sent before.

• What is something you are working on?

Moving Forward

• Where do you think the disconnect is in these situations? 

• How did we get here? 

• How do you think we need to move forward?

Resources

• Join Patreon here!

• Listen to Dear Diary: Am I A Good Kisser?

• Listen to Dear Diary: Excerpts from my Middle School Journal

• Keep up with Tutti on Instagram at @tuttidelmonte

• If you need a boudoir photographer, check out budoirbytutti.com

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• I took a 2-day psilocybin journey.
• Expanded my dating life quite a bit including dating an ethically non-monogamous guy.
• Bought a second property!
• And more…

• Join Patreon here!

• Listen to my podcast episode about why I took a sabbatical here.

• Listen to the teaser episode I released last week here.

• Connect with Michelle Peterson here.

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• Two TRC Podcast episodes a month. 
• The rest of my live content will publish to Patreon every month where I’ll be interesting most of my efforts to cultivate community + meaningful convos.
• Each month on patreon I’ll host a live group coaching call on Zoom. The final week of each month, I host a book club (this month’s book is Caste by Isabel Wilkerson).

Resources

• Join Patreon here!
• Listen to my podcast episode about why I took a sabbatical here.

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This is my final podcast episode of 2022! I can’t believe it! If you want to hear more about my decision to take a 4-month sabbatical from all things The Refined Woman, content creation, and social media, check out this episode. 

I’ve thought a lot about what I want to share with you in this episode, and what came to mind were 3 things that I’ve been learning in life, growing through, and healing from.

There is simply nothing better than a well-made + COMFORTABLE leather shoe. Get 20% off when you go to BedSTU.com and use code RC20 at checkout.

Right now, The Risolve is offering our listeners an additional 20% off when you go to TheRisolve.com and use discount code REFINED20 at checkout!

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Dr. Natalie Crawford is co-founder of Fora Fertility, a boutique fertility practice in Austin, Texas and is board certified in both Obstetrics and Gynecology and Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility (REI). Early on in the pandemic I had her on the podcast to talk about egg freezing: TRC Ep 91: “The Fertility Series: Egg Freezing 101”. Fast forward to 2022, I started my own egg freezing journey with Dr. Natalie (which you can hear all about here). Today, I brought her back on the podcast to talk about a really important issue: the overturning of Roe v Wade.

There is simply nothing better than a well-made + COMFORTABLE leather shoe. Get 20% off when you go to BedSTU.com and use code RC20 at checkout.

Modern Fertility makes it easy to test your hormone levels at home. Modern Fertility is offering $20 off your test when you go to ModernFertility.com/refined.

Right now, The Risolve is offering our listeners an additional 20% off when you go to TheRisolve.com and use discount code REFINED20 at checkout!

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This is a big episode for me. Punch line first: I am taking a 4-month sabbatical from this podcast and ALL things The Refined Woman related starting September 1st through January 1st. I know you probably have a million questions (and concerns) so this episode is dedicated to explaining why I’ve made this decision, what this time will look like for you, and what I’ll be doing while I’m away.

Get 20% off when you go to BedSTU.com and use code RC20 at checkout.

The Risolve is offering our listeners 20% off when you go to TheRisolve.com and use discount code REFINED20 at checkout!

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So your whole life you were taught to save sex until marriage from the church. You were taught it was ‘God’s best.’ But now you’re in a massive season of deconstruction. Your faith still matters to you, but it looks nothing like it used to anymore.

Who + how do you date during this season?

And what about your physical boundaries?

What if you don’t know if you want to wait until marriage anymore? 

Well…today on the podcast alongside celebrity matchmaker Alessandra Conti, we go straight towards these questions. Conti is the co-founder of Matchmakers In The City, an old-school, personal matchmaking firm headquartered in Beverly Hills. Let’s dive into what she has to share!

Get 20% off when you go to BedSTU.com and use code RC20 at checkout.

Go to ZocDoc.com/Kat to download the app for free and start your search today!

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I put a question box on IG stories for you to submit any and all questions about me for me to answer on the podcast and y’all did NOT hold back! These questions got deeply personal and I’m diving into all of it with you today. Am I in therapy? Will I ever abandon dating apps? Do I have a "one that got away"? Let's get into it.

Get 20% off when you go to BedSTU.com and use code RC20 at checkout.

Modern Fertility is offering $20 off your test when you go to ModernFertility.com/refined.

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Go to AmericanBlossomLinens.com and use code REFINED20 for 20% off your order.

Get 20% off when you go to BedSTU.com and use code RC20 at checkout.

Go to ZocDoc.com/Kat to download the app for free and start your search today!

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Our favorite sexologist is back! Dr. Celeste Holbrook is here again this week to answer some of your sex ed questions. We talk about everything from the basics of understanding your anatomy to the complicated feelings that may arise if you want to introduce sex toys into your partnered sex.

Get started now with 25% off a premium subscription by downloading the Abide app at Abide.co/refined. 

Go to AmericanBlossomLinens.com and use code REFINED20 for 20% off your order.

Get 20% off when you go to BedSTU.com and use code RC20 at checkout. 

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I am so thrilled to be back sharing podcast episodes with you after my 4-week break. And I’m even more thrilled to be talking (again) with Sheila Wray Gregoire, the author of The Great Sex Rescue and The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. She was on the podcast last year (listen to it here) and she left us with a cliff hanger and I am glad to be diving deeper into that conversation today. We’re covering everything from defining sex to the orgasm gap and the sexual response cycle.

Go to AmericanBlossomLinens.com and use code REFINED20 for 20% off your order.

Modern Fertility is offering $20 off your test when you go to ModernFertility.com/refined.

Go to ZocDoc.com/Kat to download the app for free and start your search today!

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Welcome back to another Ask Kat episode! If you’re new here, I answer questions on IG stories every Monday but it’s so hard to answer them in 15 seconds! So I created a podcast series where I can give more in depth answers to your nuanced questions. You can listen to the first Ask Kat episode here. This time around, I’m talking all things Bridgerton, being an LGBTQ+ ally, interfaith relationships, and my own physical boundaries in dating.

Go to ZocDoc.com/Kat to download the app for free and start your search today!

Start monetizing your podcast with Podcorn and explore sponsorship opportunities by signing up here: podcorn.com/podcasters.

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If I did things ‘God’s way’, wouldn’t God bless me with the partner + kids I have always longed for? It never occurred to me to learn what other options were available to me. It felt heart breaking to even begin to research my fertility options at age 34—because it felt like an admission of being in a place that I never wanted to be in: single + childless. In this podcast episode, I’m sharing my process of choosing to freeze my eggs, the logistics of the actual procedure, the results, costs, and…is it worth it? 

Modern Fertility makes it easy to test your hormone levels at home. Modern Fertility is offering $20 off your test when you go to ModernFertility.com/refined.

Smile Brilliant makes night guards to stop the undoable damage of teeth grinding. Use code REFINED for 20% off sitewide at SmileBrilliant.com.

Abide is the number one Christian meditation app. Get started now with 25% off a premium subscription by downloading the Abide app at Abide.co/refined.

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For mental health May–I did something new!  I created three meditation podcast episodes under 10 minutes! If you missed the first two, check them out:

1. Meditation for burnout (listen here). 
2. Meditation for anxiety by Jackie Viramontez (listen here). 
3. Now, I’ll be leading you through meditation for gratitude.

Use code REFINED for 20% off sitewide at SmileBrilliant.com.

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I would love to offer you a few meditations and prayers that have been a lifeline for me over the past few years. The next three episodes of TRC will be guided meditations. First up was meditation for burnout (listen here). This week, my friend Jackie Viramontez will be guiding us through a meditation for anxiety. 

Use code REFINED for 20% off sitewide at SmileBrilliant.com.

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How do you seek God when you don’t know if you believe the way you used to?

How do you move forward in your faith when it feels like it’s in shambles? 

How do you experience God outside of Sunday church? 

I’m no expert, but I would love to offer you a few meditations and prayers that have been a lifeline for me over the past few years. The next three episodes of TRC will be guided meditations. First up: meditation for burnout.

Modern Fertility is offering $20 off your test when you go to ModernFertility.com/refined.

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This is Part III of a series on deconstruction. In Part I, we ask “What exactly is deconstruction + how do I know if I’m experiencing it?” In Part II, we ask “Can I completely deconstruct my faith and still be a Christian?” This week, we’ll be asking “What would Jesus do? How then shall we live?”

Reflection Questions:

1. What has your relationship to doubt been? 
2. What would it look like for you to replace certainty with faith?
3. Did anything resonate with you in the ocean + boat metaphor? If so, what?

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Start monetizing your podcast with Podcorn and explore sponsorship opportunities by signing up here: podcorn.com/podcasters.

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This week, we’re stepping into a series on deconstruction. I avoided talking about this in depth on the podcast before, because I am no expert. When I polled my Instagram audience, 76% said they are currently deconstructing. And everyone’s experiences within deconstruction have been extremely varied. How do I know if I’m experiencing deconstruction? If I start deconstructing, will I lose my faith altogether? These are very real and human questions that we are all asking. I can’t give you a ton of answers, but I can be with you here as we ask meaningful questions.

Modern Fertility is offering $20 off your test when you go to ModernFertility.com/refined.

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In episode 170 of TRC, Manwell Reyes said “I love strong women but they come with a lot of pride and you’re gonna have to argue them into submission.”  To say I was uncomfortable with that comment is a wild understatement. We didn't have time to unpack it during that episode, so I brought Manwell back to talk about it in full context. We take a deep dive into the history of the word submission, why it’s important to acknowledge the problem before moving forward, and how we can move forward in a way that embraces the beauty of submission.

Go to bit.ly/trcsexed to register for the 3-part Sex Ed Workshop Series.

Modern Fertility is offering $20 off your test when you go to ModernFertility.com/refined.

Go to www.paleovalley.com and use code KAT15 for 15% off your first purchase.

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Welcome back to the Ask Kat series! It’s basically like my Mentor Monday IG story series (which you can keep up with here), but this is the first time where you get to send in an audio file of your questions and I answer them live on air!

If you want to submit your question for the next Ask Kat episode, go to speakpipe.com/trc.

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Something that has been on my mind a lot lately is the idea of letting go versus giving up. And based on the number of DMs I received when I shared about this on IG stories, it seems it’s been on a lot of your minds too. So…what is  the difference between letting go and giving up, and why does it matter? 

Beducated is offering TRC listeners a 24 hour free trial and 70% off for the yearly pass, which comes out to just $7.99/month. Just go to beducate.me/therefinedcollective and use my coupon code: REFINED.

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Last week, I shared on the podcast how I made $7/day after college living out of a van working for a non-profit. Then I  found my way to photography and ultimately built a 6-figure photography business. But as you know, that’s only part of my career journey. Along the way, I also started The Refined Woman and created this podcast, The Refined Collective.

Beducated is offering TRC listeners a 24 hour free trial and 70% off for the yearly pass, which comes out to just $7.99/month. Just go to beducate.me/therefinedcollective and use my coupon code: REFINED. 

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

I saw a meme that said “I didn’t realize 2020 was gonna be a trilogy” which I thought was hilarious, but I also thought NO I don’t want to embrace that. I am on the evidence hunt for a year of celebration, breakthrough, and lost dreams coming back to life. In cleaning up my life for 2022, I came across my tax return from 2012 and my gross income was $4300. I paused and realized that 2021 was the most financially successful year of my life. So I want to look back at where my journey started and share the story with you.

Gratitude

• Sometimes it’s hard to see your story for what it is because you’re so close to it— I know that’s what kept me from recognizing the beauty in my career journey.
• It’s important to remember where we came from and what God has done.
• Sharing my breakthrough has shifted my heart into gratitude and possibility. Hopefully it stirs your heart too.

What happens when your life doesn’t unfold the way you planned it?

How can you acknowledge the hope of what you want and long for while still being present to the here and now.

How can you stay open to the unexpected–even if the unexpected looks NOTHING like you planned?

My Unexpected Path to Photography

• After a miserable experience working at a non profit in LA, my dream for photography was growing. My friend told me to stop talking about it and do it.
• I remembered I had Mike’s card. I spoke to him and he offered an unpaid internship, which I couldn’t accept. 
• I spent the summer nannying— I was broke but it was the glory days.
• Then out of the blue, Mike called and said he and his wife had been praying about it and offered me a job for $13/hour. I accepted.

A Budding Photographer

• Mike taught me everything I know. I barely knew how to turn on a camera.
• He brought me to New York Fashion Week to shoot a runway show, and I felt the magic of New York.
• I never thought I would start my own photography business, but I did and it wasn’t a success.

Be Ready For the Unexpected

• I started shooting for Carolina Herrera because a girl in my small group at Hillsong worked for her.
• I started shooting for Amy Porterfield after Jasmine Star— who I met while working for Mike— referred me to her. I still shoot for her yearly.
• Now, this is my 4th year shooting for Rockefeller Center. I take on around 5 weddings a year + a limited amount of lifestyle work.

Next week. I’ll continue the story with how I started a fashion blog that eventually led me down a road of landing a 6-figure book deal with one of the top publishers in the world. If you want to hear that episode now…go to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective and you can listen to it now and have access to a ton of other Patreon exclusive content.

Resources

• Listen to Part II early (and ad-free) here.
• Sign up for my 2022 vision casting workshop with Johan here.
• Check out Emily + Patrick’s wedding photos here.
• Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

Special thanks to our newest Patreon members at the $7/month level: Jason, Rachel, Jeanna, Brenda, Danica, Jennifer, Amanda, Diana, Kelsey, Kasey, Brittany, Abi, and Adam. If you want to join, you can do that here.

If you’re in my Patreon community, you know that I recently tested my fertility. It’s time to take ownership of your fertility so you know your options for the future! Modern Fertility makes it easy to test your hormone levels at home. Modern Fertility is offering $20 off your test when you go to ModernFertility.com/refined.

Spending hours trying to find the right doctor for you can be exhausting. And if you go through that process only to find out they don’t take your insurance? That almost makes me wanna give up the search. ZocDoc makes it easy to find the right doctor who takes your insurance. You can even make the appointment online! Go to ZocDoc.com/Kat to download the app for free and start your search today!

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I feel like I ended 2021 crawling to the finish line. (Anyone else?) I felt completely burnt out, so I did a few things: I took the last month off and I hired a business coach. It honestly has felt like therapy. I decided to record our first session and share it with you. I got real, I also got defensive at times, I cried, and reached some real breakthroughs. I want you to have a raw and unedited look into my life, my career, my process, and what makes me tick and where I’m stuck. And hopefully in the process… you can experience some breakthroughs of your own.

Beducated is offering TRC listeners a 24 hour free trial and 70% off for the yearly pass, which comes out to just $7.99/month. Just go to beducate.me/therefinedcollective and use my coupon code: REFINED. 

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

It’s here: the final episode of 2021. Last years final episode was about how dating has changed in 2020. (You can listen to that episode here.) I have felt recently exactly what the title says: that I kinda suck at dating. So I wanted to be honest with you about what I’m moving through. I struggle with what to share and when to share it with you. I really want to honor my own process and I also want to be vulnerable with where I’m really at. So here goes it. 

Teaching From Scars

• I always try to teach from my scars and not my scabs, but maybe I’ve taken that too far and used it as an excuse to put walls up and not be vulnerable.
• I normally wouldn’t even tell you that I had a dating relationship this year that didn’t work out. But I decided to share it on Patreon a little while ago. And now I want to share it with you.

Where I Went Wrong

• I’m so used to being in community with women—I forgot what it felt like to have a man in my life. It was completely out of my comfort zone.
• I didn’t realize how many walls I had up until I tried to get to know one.
• I liked him so much, but I was terrified to let him know. I was afraid of rejection and became prickly, defensive, or always needed to be right.

What I Learned About Myself

1. Honesty is different from vulnerability.
2. • I share my mind with everyone. I share my heart with like 3 people.
   • I am comfortable sharing truth with the masses and women, but I withhold the truth with men.
   • All I wanted was him to make movement towards me. But I would resist. I would hide my heart, stiff arm, and ninja warrior away from those bids and invitations.
3. I put walls up.
   • To me, this person was my dream person. But the timing was off. You can meet the perfect person for you, but if it’s not the right time, it just won’t work. This is a really hard pill to swallow.
4. Timing is everything.
   • I have so many unhealed wounds from my father. I brought my trauma into every interaction + conversation: you’ll probably leave me. 
5. The work is never done.
6. The #1 thing to look for is willingness to grow vs. perfection

Resources

• Here’s that throwback blog post I mentioned about a breakup I had years ago.
• Listen to last year’s podcast episode on how dating has changed here.
• Listen to last year’s 2020 reflection podcast episode here.
• Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

I am such a fan of dainty, feminine, delicate jewelry. I also am a firm believer that the physical is always an invitation to the spiritual. This is why I am so excited to be partnering with NYC-based, female-founded jewelry company Satya. Satya means “truth” in Sanskrit and all of their pieces are designed to bring joy, peace, and hope. To dive into the beautiful world of Satya jewelry, visit www.satyajewelry.com and use promo code RC15 for 15% off your first order.

We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test.

This past year, I’ve been trying to perfect some recipes I can have in my back pocket when I have company. In all of these experiences, I realized how important it is to have good cooking tools. I just got a brand new knife set from Made In Cookware and it has been life-changing. Go to MadeInCookware.com/kat and use promo code KAT for 15% off your first order!

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Trigger warning: We are going to be talking about some adult topics. If you have young ears around, put on some headphones or listen later on. We will also be talking about sexual assault and abusive messages many people have received in the church. 

I believe we are in a season where women are rising up in a new way and making their voices heard. I am thrilled to be talking with Sheila Wray Gregoire, the author of The Great S*x Rescue. We’re talking all about her survey findings, the toxic messages we are taught about women and s*x, where those messages come from, and what the Bible actually says about it all.

What is the Org*sm Gap?

• Sheila and her team surveyed over 20k Christian women and performed an in-depth study on 13 best selling christian books on marriage and s*x.
• General consensus of what narratives are driving the s*x message for Christian woman: women are oppressed, men are viewed as animals, women are the cause of male temptation and the cure—s*x is viewed as an obligation.
• Org*sm gap: 95% of men almost always/always org*sm in sex vs 48% of women.
• Disagreements on frequency of s*x isn’t a problem. It’s a symptom of a problem.

• Myth: women don’t like s*x. Reality: women need to feel safe to enjoy s*x.

The Obligation S*x Message

• Survey question: “Have you ever felt obligated to give your husband s*x when he wants it?”
• • 43% of respondents said that they were taught that before marriage
  • 39% said that they entered marriage believing it
• This obligation s*x message has had bad effects on the org*sm rate, marital satisfaction, and arous*l.
• Due to messages like the obligation s*x message, Christian women are 2x more likely to have vaginismus—which causes pen*tration to be painful, if not impossible. And nobody talks about it.

• “Believing the obligation s*x message increases the chance of a woman experiencing vaginismus to almost the same statistical affect as prior abuse… Our bodies interpret it as trauma.” - Sheila Wray Gregoire

How Did We Get Here?

• A lot of it comes from a misinterpretation of 1 Corinthians 7:3-5

• “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

• Ephesians 5 has also been taken out of context to advance the obligation s*x message.

Path Towards A Healthy Sex Life

1. Know that it’s not your fault— we’ve all been taught the wrong thing.
2. Read Sheila’s book, The Great S*x Rescue
3. Realize that the only reason these messages are here is because people bought the books and went to the church book studies that perpetuated these messages. Take back the power. Speak up.
4. The church needs to have a lot more respect for science. “We have let pastors who do not have training in s*x write our sex books and it needs to stop.” - Sheila Wray Gregoire

Rapid Fire Questions

• What is the biggest effect you’ve seen purity culture have on men? 

• What are some questions you can ask a date to see if the other person has a healthy view of s*x?

• How have your findings changed your views on sex before marriage?

Resources

• Read Sheila’s book, The Great S*x Rescue
• Interested in more of a conversation around Ephesians 5? Listen to TRC Ep 137: Are We Weaponizing Scripture to Silence Women? with Tiffany Bluhm
• Read The Making of Biblical Womanhood by Beth Allison Barr
• Read Jesus and John Wayne by Kristen Kobes Du Mez
• Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

Did you know that 30 million women are impacted by weakened or thinning hair? If you are among them, know you are not alone and that there’s a solution you can trust. Thousands of women have taken back control of their hair thickness and overall confidence with Nutrafol. Go to Nutrafol.com and enter promo code KAT to save $15 off your first month’s subscription. This is their best offer anywhere! And it is only open to US residents at this time.

I am such a fan of dainty, feminine, delicate jewelry. I also am a firm believer that the physical is always an invitation to the spiritual. This is why I am so excited to be partnering with NYC-based, female-founded jewelry company Satya. Satya means “truth” in Sanskrit and all of their pieces are designed to bring joy, peace, and hope. To dive into the beautiful world of Satya jewelry, visit www.satyajewelry.com and use promo code RC15 for 15% off your first order.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

This episode is all about how to get real results from online dating, which is something I’m really interested in talking about right now because personally I have felt burnt out from online dating. I’ve also experienced some heartache in my love life recently (I don’t want to share that story with the whole world, but you can hear it on Patreon if you’re interested.) So this episode is just as much for me as it is for you. I am so excited to have my dear friend Kait Warman with me for this conversation.

What’s your go-to dating app?

• I finally have an answer to that question: Upward. Here’s why:
• • It’s great if you’re a person of faith who wants to find someone who is in alignment with your faith and values.
  • It’s full of people looking for meaningful relationships that will lead to marriage. No hookups here!
  • Upward is also inclusive and affirming for all Christians, which really matters to me. Not a lot of faith-based apps are.
  • Questions on the app allow you to do a deep dive into who you are, why your faith matters, and what it is that you’re really looking for.
  • Download the app for free here.

Dating Sunday aka The Superbowl for Online Dating

• The first Sunday of January is historically the busiest day of the year for online dating 
• Why? New Year’s Resolutions, post-holiday blues + hello Valentine’s Day is just around the corner…basically it’s time for a fresh start.
• Apps expect around a 30% increase in new users on this Sunday alone.

3 Things That Will Set Apart Your Online Dating Profile

• CLARITY

• What are you looking for? (casual, serious, in between) Communicate it clearly!
• How to be clear about what you’re looking for without having a chip on your shoulder/pressure? Go in with an open expectation.

• “Online dating is a low stakes operation... Take the pressure off.” - Kait Warman

• WHO ARE YOU?

• What matters to you?
• Why is your faith important to you?
• 1. On Upward, you can say your denomination, which I think is cool.
• What lights you up?
• What do you love to do? Show, don’t tell!

• “Allow yourself to really get to know yourself first, + then show that in your profile” - Kat Harris

• CAPTIVATE CURIOSITY

• Engage someone who’s viewing your profile.
• 1. i.e. 2 truths + a lie—take a guess and then tell me yours!
  2. top 5 favorite books…what are yours?
• Allow these to be fun + light. SPOILER ALERT: dating doesn’t always have to be so serious!

The 3 Pics That Will Up Your Profile Game

• The average person stays on a dating profile for less than 60 seconds… You have to make your profile count and it starts with that first profile pic!
• • Pic #1: bachelor/bachelorette photos // smiling, laughing, eyes direct-to-camera, engaging!
  • Pic #2: the everyday you + the dressier you
  • Pic #3: do something you love
• CAVEAT: these should all be up-to-date

The 3 Pics NOT To Post

1. Group shots
2. Sunglasses
3. Gym/car selfies

3 Ways to Avoid Online Dating Fatigue 

1. Commit to 3 months of Upward
2. Get on the app 6 days a week in the first week
   • Goal: 3 dates in 3 months
3. Limit your use to 15 minutes a day

Resources

• Download the Upward app here.
• Keep up with Kait Warman on IG at @kaitness and @heartofdating.
• Check out Kait’s podcast, Heart of Dating.
• Grab Kait’s book, Thank You For Rejecting Me.
• Listen to Kait’s other episodes of The Refined Collective:
• • Ep. 17: How to Drop the Hanky (aka how to let them know you’re interested)
  • Ep. 41: How to Online Date Like a Boss
  • Ep. 140: Thank You For Rejecting Me
  • Ep. 144 with Carrie Lloyd: Should I Marry a Christian
• Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

I am such a fan of dainty, feminine, delicate jewelry. I also am a firm believer that the physical is always an invitation to the spiritual. This is why I am so excited to be partnering with NYC-based, female-founded jewelry company Satya. Satya means “truth” in Sanskrit and all of their pieces are designed to bring joy, peace, and hope. To dive into the beautiful world of Satya jewelry, visit www.satyajewelry.com and use promo code RC15 for 15% off your first order.

Has this ever happened to you… you’re feeling like crap, need to see a doctor, you search and find one that looks good, spend hours trying to book an appointment, only to get there and realize they don’t take your insurance? There’s a solution: download the free Zocdoc app. You can search for local doctors that take your insurance, whether you’re looking for a dentist or psychiatrist. Go to Zocdoc.com/kat and download the Zocdoc app to sign up for free and book a top-rated doctor.

This podcast is sponsored by Better Help. I’ve done therapy off and on for years and am such an advocate for therapy. Better Help will assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist who you can start communicating with in under 48 hours. It’s affordable and accessible with financial aid available. Visit BetterHelp.com/refined for 10% off your first month and join the over 2 million people who have taken charge of their mental health with the help of an experienced professional. 

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

If you have watched Gwyneth Paltrow’s Netflix show “S*x, Love & Goop,” then you may recognize today’s podcast guests: Jaiya and Ian! Jaiya is an award-winning somatic s*xologist and creator of The Erotic Blueprint Breakthrough™, which was very transformative for me. Ian Ferguson is Jaiya’s life and business partner and the co-founder of The Erotic Blueprint Breakthrough™. I am so excited to be talking with them both today about the erotic blueprint, the 5 erotic blueprints, and whether s*xual incompatibility is actually a thing.

“Maybe we’re actually going to have an intelligent mature conversation about s*x in our culture. Maybe we’re finally ready to have that conversation.” - Jaiya

What is a Somatic S*xologist?

• Someone who can help you understand who you are as a s*xual being. This knowledge can get rid of the layers of shame.
• “Soma” means “of the body.” “It’s the body telling the truth, not the idea of what we think might be pleasurable or unpleasurable.” - Ian
• We have intellectualized sex too much— everybody is different as erotic beings.

The Erotic Blueprint 

• The Erotic Blueprint (it’s a free quiz friend) will give you a language to communicate your desires as a s*xual being.
• Don’t worry, even if there are questions in the quiz about s*xual experiences you haven’t had, Jaiya teaches us how to connect with and answer them honestly.

• “How can I move forward in this s*xual/romantic relationship and stay connected to myself, God, and others? How can I set myself up for success whatever my s*xual ethic may be?” - Kat Harris

The 5 Erotic Blueprints 

1. Energetic— turned on by the anticipation. 
2. Sensual— turned on by all senses being ignited.
3. S*xual— turned on by penetration.
4. Kinky— turned on by anything that’s taboo.
5. Shapeshifter— turned on by all of it!

S*xual Compatibility vs Chemistry/Attraction

• If you’re waiting for marriage to have s*x, you don’t have to worry about s*xual incompatbility because you can work at it.

• “It’s not incompatibility— it is... are you willing to do what it takes to learn the skills to honor your partner in what it is that turns them on for both of you in the relationship?” - Jaiya

• Chemistry— we are biochemically attracted to other people and this can change based on scents the person is wearing or whether a woman is on birth control.

“S*x is natural, but making love is an art.” - Ian

Rapid Fire Questions

• What makes good s*x? Presence, listening, willingness, awareness
• When is it a good time to start talking about s*x with your significant other? Right away.
• How do you approach the conversation? Vulnerability, create safety, stay in a place of non-judgement.
• What are some fun foreplay experiences? Brainstorm ideas based on your archetypes! For example, energetics should play with eye gaze and sensuals should do deep penetrating massages or bathe together. 

Resources

• Take the Erotic Blueprint Quiz here.
• S*xless in the City by Kat Harris
• Why Him? Why Her? By Helen Fisher
• Slow S*x by Diane Richardson
• Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
• She Comes First by Ian Kerner
• Girls & S*x by Peggy Orenstein
• Boys & S*x by Peggy Orenstein
• The Great S*x Rescue by Sheila Wray Gregoire
• Keep up with Jaiya on IG at @missjaiya.
• Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

I am such a fan of dainty, feminine, delicate jewelry. I also am a firm believer that the physical is always an invitation to the spiritual. This is why I am so excited to be partnering with NYC-based, female-founded jewelry company Satya. Satya means “truth” in Sanskrit and all of their pieces are designed to bring joy, peace, and hope. To dive into the beautiful world of Satya jewelry, visit www.satyajewelry.com and use promo code RC15 for 15% off your first order.

This past year, I’ve been trying to perfect some recipes I can have in my back pocket when I have company. In all of these experiences, I realized how important it is to have good cooking tools. I just got a brand new knife set from Made In Cookware and it has been life-changing. Go to MadeInCookware.com/kat and use promo code KAT for 15% off your first order!

We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Today’s guest is my best friend, Sara del Monte, or “Tutti” if you follow her on Instagram. She was on the podcast years ago talking about how to confront unexpected change where she shared all about her pregnancy. You can listen to that here. Recently, I discovered my middle school journal and I have been going through it and reading it. I was sharing my discovery with Tutti and she had recently found hers as well. We decided it would be fun to do a podcast episode where we read our journals and psychoanalyze each other.

Kat’s Diary // October 13, 1997

“Title: Melrose Hotel

Main characters: Eve Davis, the mysterious woman who is head over heels for Richie Stale. Katherine Harris, a young woman who is trying to make it big in the modeling business.

Plot: Two roommates who are into partying and catching guys at the clubs come night, but at day they’re two women trying to make a career of being hot and sexy models. They’ve got the looks, the hair, the talk, but do they have the moves? Come see On the Hot.”

Let’s unpack that...

• Tutti and I talk about how this may or may not have been me prophesying our future life in New York City.

Tutti’s Diary // February 14, 1999

“Yesterday was my volleyball inauguration. There were so many people. It was raining so much and everything was getting wet. But there was a boy there. His name was Antonio… He is so cute and my friend got to be on his team. They’re on the blue team and he’s number 8. I’m on the red team and I’m number 8. What a coincidence. He’s 13 and almost all girls are in love with him, including me. I hope he feels the same for me. Happy Valentine’s Day. 

Update: He has a girlfriend. She’s older than him.”

Let’s unpack that….

• Life advice: you don’t want to date someone who peaked in high school (or middle school for that matter).
• Have you peaked yet? We talk about how we feel transformed in adulthood and more confident and comfortable.
• We talk a bit more about Tutti’s pregnancy journey that kind of feels like a peak for so many reasons. I explore the idea that my peak is still coming.

Kat’s Diary // March 13, 1998

“Women are not equal at all to men. We have to put a stop to this. Women and men could have the same exact jobs and men will still get sometimes thousands of dollars more than women just because they’re men. It’s disgusting!! It makes me so angry! When I grow up, I’m going to put a stop to all of this nonsense.”

Let’s unpack that…

• This is one of many journal entries where injustice had boiled in me. I always thought I was an enneagram 3 but this is making me realize I may have a bit of enneagram 8 in me.
• I was honestly shocked that I wrote that. I didn’t know I was a feminist when I was little. I wonder who it was who taught me about the pay gap.
• We talk about how this spark in middle school me has translated to my current work in addressing the hard topics.
• Tutti shares how her benchmark of who she is as a person is her childhood self, who was friendly, outspoken, and free.

If you’re interested in another episode like this, let us know in a review on iTunes or in an email to social@therefinedwoman.com.

Resources

• Listen to Tutti’s first episode of TRC about her unexpected pregnancy journey here.
• Keep up with Tutti on Instagram at @tuttidelmonte.
• If you need a boudoir photographer, check out budoirbytutti.com
• Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

I am such a fan of dainty, feminine, delicate jewelry. I also am a firm believer that the physical is always an invitation to the spiritual. This is why I am so excited to be partnering with NYC-based, female-founded jewelry company Satya. Satya means “truth” in Sanskrit and all of their pieces are designed to bring joy, peace, and hope. To dive into the beautiful world of Satya jewelry, visit www.satyajewelry.com and use promo code RC15 for 15% off your first order.

Did you know that 30 million women are impacted by weakened or thinning hair? If you are among them, know you are not alone and that there’s a solution you can trust. Thousands of women have taken back control of their hair thickness and overall confidence with Nutrafol. Go to Nutrafol.com and enter promo code KAT to save $15 off your first month’s subscription. This is their best offer anywhere! And it is only open to US residents at this time.

This podcast is sponsored by Better Help. I’ve done therapy off and on for years and am such an advocate for therapy. Better Help will assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist who you can start communicating with in under 48 hours. It’s affordable and accessible with financial aid available. Visit BetterHelp.com/refined for 10% off your first month and join the over 2 million people who have taken charge of their mental health with the help of an experienced professional. 

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Andi Andrew is the author of She Is Free, Fake or Follower, and her newest book which is coming out October 2021, Friendship–It's Complicated. I am so excited to be talking with her about friendship breakups— something that all of us have been through. There’s tons of guidance and support out there for romantic breakups, but not for friendship breakups (even though they can often feel just as hard!!)

Are friendship breakups harder than romantic breakups?

• We long for permanence in our lives.
• We never walk into a friendship with the thought in the back of our minds that we could be ghosted or left.
• Unmet expectations and needs that we maybe never communicated.

Struggling to hold boundaries with friends

• What if they ghost you? What if you ghost them? Is the friendship over?
• When do fight for the friendship? When do you let it go?
• Has the church encouraged you to adopt a savior complex with your non-Christian friends?

Is reconciliation always the end goal?

• If you have a friendship breakup, should your goal always be reconciliation?

• “Always reconcile things with God in your own heart.” - Andi Andrew

• Sometimes reconciliation means that you just are deciding to be at peace with each other rather than return to the way the friendship was.
• Is “some friendships are for a season” a cop out? Only you can know your heart— whether you’re just afraid of taking ownership or having hard conversations or if the friendship really is only meant for a season.

What are you meditating on?

• “The biggest thing we’re confronting here are our belief systems. And our belief systems are shaped by our wounding and what we believe about those wounds. Because when we’re wounded, usually that’s when a lie comes in.” - Andi Andrew

• “The meditation of our heart is actually where our belief systems come from. So do we meditate on the lies from the wounds or do we meditate on the truth and the healing?” - Andi Andrew

Resources

• Want some tips on how to make meaningful friendships as an adult? Check out my video on that topic here.
• Keep up with Andi at AndiAndrew.com and on Instagram at @andiandrew.
• Check out her podcast, Coffee with Andi, here!
• Listen to Andi’s episode of TRC all about dream interpretation here.
• Buy Andi’s new book: Friendship— It’s Complicated.
• Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

I am such a fan of dainty, feminine, delicate jewelry. I also am a firm believer that the physical is always an invitation to the spiritual. This is why I am so excited to be partnering with NYC-based, female-founded jewelry company Satya. Satya means “truth” in Sanskrit and all of their pieces are designed to bring joy, peace, and hope. To dive into the beautiful world of Satya jewelry, visit www.satyajewelry.com and use promo code RC15 for 15% off your first order.

Has this ever happened to you… you’re feeling like crap, need to see a doctor, you search and find one that looks good, spend hours trying to book an appointment, only to get there and realize they don’t take your insurance? There’s a solution: download the free Zocdoc app. You can search for local doctors that take your insurance, whether you’re looking for a dentist or psychiatrist. Go to Zocdoc.com/kat and download the Zocdoc app to sign up for free and book a top-rated doctor.

We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

If you follow me on Instagram, you know I do Mentor Mondays where you can ask me anything and I answer on IG stories, but it’s so hard to answer such complex questions in 15-second bursts! So this week, I am tackling some of the questions you sent me on Instagram. I would love to do more of these episodes, so if you want to submit your questions for me to answer in a solo show, email social@therefinedwoman.com with the subject line “Ask Kat.” 

Jaclyn: Thoughts on cosmetic surgery? Is it ungodly or me not loving the body God gave me?

• You may or may not know that I actually got botox! Listen to the episode I did on it here.
• I want to be the type of woman who embraces grey hair and wrinkles, but I am a human being in process. And to be honest, I want to simply look my age.
• I am grateful for cosmetic surgery for my friend who lost an eye and had a scarred face. I am grateful for cosmetic surgery for my friend who broke her nose.

“I don’t think most things in and of themselves are ungodly, I think it’s the heart posture with which we approach them.” - Kat Harris

Katie: Guy asked for my IG, then stopped talking to me a few days later. Do I unfollow?

• This has happened to me SO many times. And for me, I don’t like sharing my IG because it gives them so much personal information about me, whereas I get so little info about them. I share a story of a guy who recently saw my Instagram and his reaction to it was less than great.
• My advice here is: go ahead and unfollow! You don’t need to be following up with some stranger on the internet who is uninterested in making an actual plan with you.

Abi B.: Preparing for engagement/marriage but both deconstructing. Feels like I should have things figured out before.

• Deconstruction is TOUGH! I am working through it now, most of it privately. It can make dating complicated, but this scenario is why I am an advocate of looking at the whole person rather than the label of “this person is a Christian.”
• You never know how ANY person’s faith journey will turn out, whether they are deconstructing right now or not.
• The key is to find someone who has: grace, humility, a growth mindset, trust, and integrity.
• Some reflection questions: 
• • What are you afraid of happening?
  • Is this someone you can accept wholeheartedly without an agenda?
  • Is this someone you can move through hard seasons with?

“We just don’t know what God is gonna do, we don’t know when God is gonna do it, and we don’t know what choices we are going to make, what choices they are going to make.” - Kat Harris

Nijha M.: 1 Peter 1:13-25 // How to obey this without falling into legalism? What does it look like in dating?

• It’s important to consider who this was written for. Context is so important.
• Calling to live holy? To live mindfully and intentionally. NOTE: *not perfectly*
• Posture of the heart:
• • Legalism worships the rules over the relationships.
  • Legalism stones the adulter to death, but relationship offers acceptance, love, grace, and dignity.
  • How can I love myself well? My future well? God well? And this person well?
  • Relationship is being willing to dive into conversation and nuance and grey —legalism says it’s all black and white.

Emery: What do you wish we knew about you that social media doesn't show?

• Life is hard. Being human is hard.
• I’m private. You get to see about 1% of my life that I choose to let you see.
• I’m no expert. I’m just trying to figure things out too. Fear of being a fraud.

Abby: Do you fear changing your mind on a topic, especially given your platform as a teacher? :)

• Yes. 1,000%. Change is constant. This was something I thought about a lot during the launch of my book. What if I change my views on sex and marriage?
• Am I allowed to be human?

Resources

• Listen to my podcast episode about botox here.
• Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

I am such a fan of dainty, feminine, delicate jewelry. I also am a firm believer that the physical is always an invitation to the spiritual. This is why I am so excited to be partnering with NYC-based, female-founded jewelry company Satya. Satya means “truth” in Sanskrit and all of their pieces are designed to bring joy, peace, and hope. To dive into the beautiful world of Satya jewelry, visit www.satyajewelry.com and use promo code RC15 for 15% off your first order.

This podcast is sponsored by Better Help. I’ve done therapy off and on for years and am such an advocate for therapy. Better Help will assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist who you can start communicating with in under 48 hours. It’s affordable and accessible with financial aid available. Visit BetterHelp.com/refined for 10% off your first month and join the over 2 million people who have taken charge of their mental health with the help of an experienced professional. 

Did you know that an estimated 5 billion plastic hand soap and cleaning bottles are thrown out every year? It’s time to cut the plastic waste without sacrificing clean. Get Blueland’s revolutionary refill cleaning system instead: buy the bottle once and refill it forever with the hand soap or spray cleaner tablets. Get 15% off your first order when you go to Blueland.com/refined. 

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

For most of my life, I’ve felt like I have this sixth sense where I can read people and atmospheres really well. When I became a Christian, I figured this was the spiritual gift of discernment. Over time it started to feel like an anxiety-inducing curse— walking into a room and feeling everyone else’s emotions felt crippling. It made me wonder was this thing I had a gift...or a curse? Was it the Holy Spirit or my trauma? We have repeat guest and trauma Therapist back on the show this week, Kobe Campbell, to unpack this nuanced conversation. Check out my last conversation with Kobe, When is it time to go to therapy?, here. 

“Is this blessing that the church has always praised me for actually my trauma?” - Kat Harris

Practice Scanning: Helpful or Hurtful?

• Practice Scanning—  a natural defensive mechanism that we learn in our childhood when our safety becomes dependent on the changing moods of those who are meant to protect us.

• “Before Moses is a leader, he’s a murderer. The same thing that made him a murderer— his fierce orientation to justice— is the same thing that made him the very person God wanted to use to get his people out of Egypt.” - Kobe Campbell

• Practice scanning can also help you identify when someone is uncomfortable and in need of help.

“In Love's service, only wounded soldiers can serve.” - Brennan Manning

Exploiting Gifts: What’s the solution?

• My discernment was embraced by the church, but it was never acknowledged that it was a gift that could have come from a place of pain.

• “I wish that women would be given the opportunity to fail as often as men can in the church.” - Kobe Campbell

• “I have to be willing to be confronted by my own questions.” - Kat Harris

• “In this process, what do you feel like God is trying to reveal to you?” - Kobe Campbell

Resources

• Keep up with Kobe Campbell at healingcircletherapy.org or on IG at @kobecampbell_ and @healingcircletherapy.
• Check out Kobe’s episode of TRC “When Is It Time To Go To Therapy?” here.
• Check out Kobe’s videos on Patreon where we do a deep dive on mental health and therapy here.
• Listen to Kobe’s podcast she hosts with her husband Kyle, The Healing Circle Podcast.
• Listen to this TRC episode about attachment styles with my friend Amanda Blair here.
• Check out the video by Thais Gibson on fearful avoidance here.
• Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

This podcast is sponsored by Better Help. I’ve done therapy off and on for years and am such an advocate for therapy. Better Help will assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist who you can start communicating with in under 48 hours. It’s affordable and accessible with financial aid available. Visit BetterHelp.com/refined for 10% off your first month and join the over 2 million people who have taken charge of their mental health with the help of an experienced professional. 

This past year, I’ve been trying to perfect some recipes I can have in my back pocket when I have company. In all of these experiences, I realized how important it is to have good cooking tools. I just got a brand new knife set from Made In Cookware and it has been life-changing. Go to MadeInCookware.com/kat and use promo code KAT for 15% off your first order!

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

I recently saw the movie The Eyes of Tammy Faye and quickly went down a rabbit hole of all things surrounding the infamous televangelist Tammy Faye Bakker. I knew I wanted to talk about this (and I did on Patreon, which you can watch here), but I also knew I wanted to explore this topic on the podcast with my buddy Jonathan Merritt. He wrote an incredible article on Tammy Faye for The Atlantic. He is one of America’s most popular writers on issues of faith and culture and is the author of Learning to Speak God from Scratch. 

Tammy Faye 101: Who is she + why should we care?

• Pre-1960s, there wasn’t really any religious TV with entertainment value.
• Post-1960s, liberalism was on the rise and conservative evangelical Christians didn’t like that so they began to use TV as a way to get their message out.
• Tammy Faye Bakker and Jim Bakker worked for PTL, Praise The Lord.
• The downfall: Jim Bakker had an affair with a young church secretary. Then it came out that Jim was bisexual. The ministry also had a lot of shady dealings when it came to money. He served 5 of 45 sentenced years in prison.
• Tammy Faye eventually divorced him and married a real estate developer. She became one of the most hated figures in mainstream media, but was a gay icon.

“Why is she being punished for the sins of her husband?” - Kat Harris

Where did we go wrong + how do we be better?

• Women paying for the sins of men is not a new idea and was certainly not unique to Tammy Faye or that era.
• This trend goes all the way back to Genesis 38 with Tamar.
• People have been hurt by religion… so they typically outsource that hurt to whoever is in the spotlight. It’s valid, but misapplied.
• We project feelings like “you should never disappoint me” onto religious people in the spotlight, and once they do disappoint you it feels like betrayal.
• Tammy Faye died of cancer and the day before she did, she forgave everyone.

“The gay community, and now Hollywood, is doing the job that the church never did.” - Jay Bakker

Resources

• Keep up with Jonathan Merritt at jonathanmerritt.com, on IG at @jonathan_merritt, Twitter at @JonathanMerritt, or Facebook at @JonathanMerrittWriter.
• Read Jonathan’s article in The Atlantic: The Redemption of a Televangelist
• Read Jonathan’s book, Learning to Speak God from Scratch.
• Check out my Patreon video for more of my thoughts on Tammy Faye here.
• Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”  - Philippians 4: 6 (NIV)

If you are a regular listener, you know that I have struggled with anxiety a lot over the years. I even did a whole Mental Health May series this past year (which you can check out here). Well my anxiety has reared its head again this fall. I can sometimes resent how it takes me away from the moment at hand. My invitation to myself + to you is: What if I/you/we could learn to not resent the discomfort but lean in and trust that my body is resilient. Like Glennon Doyle says, “I can do hard things,”  and I can feel uncomfortable things, pain, grief, nervousness, or anxiety and still feel safe and at home in my body.

Lessons From My Therapist

• You may have heard this verse before: Philippians 4: 6 (NIV)

• “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God”

• In the King James Version, it says “Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.”
• Greek “careful”: to be distracted to the point of separation
• What my therapist explained to me was that anxiety separates you from yourself—because it removes me from the present and gets me to obsess about the future. Out of body. Besides yourself.
• The goal is to get back into yourself, back in your body.
• Like with the addict: the moment to focus on isn’t necessarily the relapse, but the runway that led them there. The 10 steps before that you took that led you down a path towards anxiety.
• FOR ME: not eating, well, caffeine, alone time, time with Jesus, moving my body—my body is already on high alert b/c some family stuff going on—so things that normally wouldn’t trigger me are activating anxiety—so I need to be extra kind and caring of myself. 

Be careful for nothing, BUT

“But” is where the answer/help comes in. It’s an invitation to try something else. Try these 4 things:

1. Prayer:

• In anxiety we’re separate from ourselves, God, and others. Prayer reconnects you with God and it INTERRUPTS your disconnection to self. Reminds me I’m not alone and it’s not all up to me.
• This is an ACTIVE way to take your thoughts captive: 2 Cor. 10:15
• The invitation of Jesus isn’t to BUCK UP + GET OVER IT: it’s to let go of the back breaking load: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” - Matthew 11:28-30.
• The invitation of God isn’t to DO more or less of anything. isn’t to just NOT do something—whatever it is: anxiety, lie, gossip—no the invitation is to BE.

• “Be still + know that I AM God.” - Psalm 46:10

1. Supplication:

• Emergent prayer / emergency prayer.
• AA 12 steps (very familiar to Phil 4:6)
• • We admitted we were powerless over alcohol— that our lives had become unmanageable.
  • • Don’t do ‘x’, BUT PRAY
  • Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore our sanity
  • • + SUPPLICATE: GOD HELP ME
  • Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.

1. Thanksgiving:

• GK: Thanking god for things in the past + things yet to come
• Fear focuses on the worst case scenario. Gratitude focuses on the reality that with God anything is possible.
• Gratitude reorients my heart from focusing on doom to possibility.
• Gratitude reminds me that God has shown up for me before + God will do it again. 
• HABAKKUK 3:2

Lord, I have heard of your fame;

    I stand in awe of your deeds, Lord.

Repeat them in our day,

    in our time make them known;

    in wrath remember mercy.

In fear, in dread, in anxiety, in hopelessness, remember hope. Remember possibility. Remember what God did in the past and thank him for it THEN ASK HIM TO DO IT AGAIN.

1. Requests: 

• Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.
• Emphasis on requests: a polite demand for something due to you—like when you get a reminder to pay your credit card bill. Like they ask you nicely = remind you when it’s due. But it’s not really a request; it’s a polite demand. You have to pay the bill. 
• Dear God, HELP. Thank you for helping me in the past + I thank you in advance because I know you’re going to help me again. That’s who you are. Now please give me peace in my body. 
• Then the verse that follows this 4-step formula is this: “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
• “Peace” here in the GREEK: to make one; whole, to be put back together.

BE CAREFUL FOR NOTHING.

PRAY.

ASK. 

THANK.

POLITELY DEMAND.

PEACE—then you’ll go from separation back to connection—self, god + others. 

I don’t know about you, but this feels like really beautiful news to me.

When I’m in a moment of fear and disconnection: pause. Invite god into the moment. Ask for help. Thank for the past and future. Politely demand! PEACE. Peace is your portion. Peace is your legacy. Even right now, I speak peace over your body, mind, soul, spirit.

Resources

• Listen to Mental Health May ep. 1: When Is It Time to Go to Therapy? with Kobe Campbell
• Listen to Mental Health May ep. 2: Identifying Anxiety Triggers with Kat Harris
• Listen to Mental Health May ep. 3: The Science of Anxiety + How to Stabilize Once You're Triggered with Kat Harris
• Listen to Mental Health May ep. 4: Are You Really OK? A Mental Health Check Up with Debra Fileta
• Listen to Mental Health May ep. 5: Learning to Listen: A Guided Meditation with Kat Harris
• Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Is it true that ‘once a cheater, always a cheater?’

How does our faith collide with infidelity?

Is cheating an unforgivable sin?

I am doing a 3-part podcast series with Manwell Reyes called He Said/She Said where we dive into some deep topics and approach them from our different perspectives. In the first episode, we talked about double standards (you can listen to that here), and in the second episode, we tackled “Can you really have it all in a relationship?” (You can listen to that here.) This week, we’re talking about cheating.

“Whether we like it or not, philandering is here to stay. And all the ink spilled advising us on how to “affair-proof” our relationships has not managed to curb the number of men and women who wander. Infidelity happens in good marriages, in bad marriages, and even when adultery is punishable by death. It happens in open relationships where extramarital sex is carefully negotiated before-hand. And the freedom to leave or divorce has not made cheating obsolete.” - Esther Perel, State of Affairs

The Poll Results

• Have you ever cheated? 90% said no
• Have you been cheated on? 61% said no
• Would you break up with someone immediately if you were cheated on? 67% said yes
• Do you think cheating is an unforgivable sin? 47% said yes

How Do You Define Cheating?

• Manwell defines cheating as going outside of a committed context without permission. If you’re married and agree to try something out, that’s different.
• In his definition, it doesn’t just have to be sexual intimacy that qualifies. Anything outside of the boundaries you have set for the relationship done in secrecy counts as cheating.

• “Once one person is in the dark, then it becomes cheating.” - Manwell Reyes

• Esther Perel defines cheating as a cocktail of secrecy, sexual alchemy/deceit, and emotional involvement. (It might not always be all three of these things at once, but a cocktail of the three.)

“The beautiful thing is to see something that you want and say no because you care about something else more.” - Manwell Reyes

Is Cheating Unforgivable?

• Manwell says no. After being married for years, he recognizes that if he wasn’t giving his wife the love and attention she needed, he wouldn’t be surprised if she sought it elsewhere.
• “What part do I play in this?” - Manwell Reyes
• I say no also. I share some personal stories on the podcast where I have had some close calls as ‘the other woman.’

• “You don’t know you’re in the moment until you realize you’re in the moment and you’re like ‘oh crap, get me out of here.’” -Kat Harris

Resources

• Listen to the first part in this series about double standards here.
• Listen to the second part in this series about Netflix’s Sex/Life and relationship expectations here.
• Hear more of my thoughts on cheating here.
• Buy Esther Perel’s book State of Affairs here.
• Check out Manwell’s podcast, Nights at the Round Table.
• Listen to the Nights at the Round Table hosts on TRC talking about deconstruction and waiting for marriage to have sex.
• Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

Did you know that an estimated 5 billion plastic hand soap and cleaning bottles are thrown out every year? It’s time to cut the plastic waste without sacrificing clean. Get Blueland’s revolutionary refill cleaning system instead: buy the bottle once and refill it forever with the hand soap or spray cleaner tablets. Get 15% off your first order when you go to Blueland.com/refined. 

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

I am doing a 3-part podcast series with Manwell Reyes called He Said/She Said where we dive into some deep topics and approach them from our different perspectives. Last week we spoke about double standards (you can listen to that here). This week, we’re talking about the Netflix show Sex/Life, tackling questions like can you have it all? And does size matter? Warning: There will be spoilers ahead and of course discussions that you may want to save for when you have headphones available to you.

Let’s Talk About Sex (Drive)

• The woman in the show says everything in her life is 85% perfect and the 15% that’s missing is the exciting sex life she had in a previous relationship when she was younger and living in NYC. She is now married to a man she loves and has beautiful children, but she keeps thinking about that 15%.

• “You give up a lot on the way to success.” - Manwell Reyes

• “Responsibility is the number one killer of libido.” - Kat Harris

• We’re constantly taught that men are always thinking about sex, but in reality everybody has a different sex drive.
• Manwell opens up about his own experience with dropping testosterone and sex drive.

We talk about: Does Size Matter + Can You Have It All?

• “I wonder if we’ve bought into this lie of wanting the 100% 100% of the time. I basically want a person who is the merging of 10 different people.” - Kat Harris

• The standards we’ve set are too high for any one person to meet.

• “You’re not 100% of everything they want.” - Manwell Reyes

• We talk about the idea of having multiple partners.

• “To this day, even though we overdo it with the romanticism, it all comes down to a contract of ‘What am I willing to be okay with because we both know we’re imperfect people. Is what you bring to the table worth it for me to give up on the things I want or say that I want?’” - Manwell Reyes

Resources

• Listen to the first part in this series about double standards here.
• Hear more of my thoughts on Sex/Life here.
• Check out Manwell’s podcast, Nights at the Round Table.
• Listen to the Nights at the Round Table hosts on TRC talking about deconstruction and waiting for marriage to have sex.
• Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Manwell Reyes is no stranger to The Refined Collective. He was on the podcast earlier this year (along with the other hosts of the Nights at the Round Table Podcast) and we talked about deconstruction and waiting for marriage to have sex. I am so happy to have him back for a 3-part series this fall. Our first conversation is all about double standards. We got pretty heated in this episode and I externally processed a lot of stuff in this episode and it feels really vulnerable to share!

What can girls get away with that guys can’t?

• Women can have physical touch with each other in a way that most men can’t.
• Manwell and I talk about our different experiences with nudity in the locker rooms at our respective gyms.
• Manwell shares how straight men have an internalized fear of being seen as gay because of stigmas in society. “In the grand scheme of things, showing each other affection… I don’t think that’s bad or wrong. It’s just the way we were raised: men don’t do that.” - Manwell Reyes
• Girls can be in touch with their emotions without facing judgement. I open up about my own double standard in this area.
• Manwell shares how he feels masculine despite being in touch with his feelings, sewing, baking, cooking, and liking shopping. 
• Finances: not paying for dates and expecting men to be the financial providers.

• “I don’t know if it’s a right or wrong thing, I think it’s just more so right or wrong for who is in the relationship.” - Manwell Reyes

• “Assumption is the beginning of all breakdowns.” - Kat Harris

• “Women are allowed to be master manipulators and it’s not questioned.” - Kat Harris

What can guys get away with that girls can’t?

• Men are allowed to not care about how they dress.
• Men can date someone out of an expected age range with no judgement.
• Men are allowed to age and women aren’t. (Actresses have to look young forever and actors get to age and keep the same roles.)

Obviously there’s way more that man can get away with than women, but we ran out of time!

Next week, Manwell and I will be talking about the Netflix original show “Sex Life” and the idea of… can you have it all? Make sure you’re subscribed so the episode downloads straight to your phone when it’s released!

Resources

• Check out Manwell’s podcast, Nights at the Round Table.
• Listen to the Nights at the Round Table hosts on TRC talking about deconstruction and waiting for marriage to have sex.
• Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

Thank you SO much to the Patreon community for supporting this podcast and being on the journey with me. A special shoutout to our newest supporters Jason, Sorge, Rachel, Cassidy, Jeanna, Brenda, Danica, Lexi, Jennifer, Amanda, Jordan, Kaitlyn, Colleen, Rachel, Stephanie, Diana, Grace, Kelsey, Lily, Kasey, Graham, Brittany, Abi, Adam, Joshua, Eric, Kara, Suzanna, Tesa, Anna, Grace, Melanie, James, Amanda, and Kelly. If you want to join the growing Patreon community (and get access to exclusive content too) go to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective.

Did you know that an estimated 5 billion plastic hand soap and cleaning bottles are thrown out every year? It’s time to cut the plastic waste without sacrificing clean. Get Blueland’s revolutionary refill cleaning system instead: buy the bottle once and refill it forever with the hand soap or spray cleaner tablets. Get 15% off your first order when you go to Blueland.com/refined.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.