In The Refined Collective podcast, host and author of Sexless in the City, Kat Harris creates a safe space to have honest conversations around faith, sexuality, relationships, politics, identity, Christian culture, deconstruction, and more. *What does the Bible really say about sex? *How does our faith impact our politics? *Is Christianity at odds with science? *Is the Bible still relevant? From purity culture, to deconstruction, dating apps, and LGTBQ+ issues—there’s no topic that’s off the table. In this podcast Kat doesn’t pretend to be an expert, or to have all the answers about faith or Christianity. And though it’d be more convenient to have easy black-and-white answers, she invites you to discover God in the grey and unexpected spaces. Her hope is to look doubt in the face, be curious, seek God, and ask meaningful questions to address any ‘elephant in the room’ with openness, nuance and grace.
It’s been months since I’ve shared a podcast episode with you.
I had to get clear with myself on how I wanted to move forward before I could communicate it clearly to you.
Post-sabbatical, I still felt drained and like I had so little to give.
I’ve spent a lot of time feeling discouraged by the results of my podcast. But it finally hit me that even if I make $8k on the podcast, I spent $7k on the podcast.
As I told you in January, my vision for this year is “less is more” and “simplify.” In an effort to follow that vision and promise, this will be my final podcast episode (potentially ever).
Here’s what staying in touch looks like moving forward…
I feel like I start every episode with “this week’s episode, I’m doing things a little differently,” and that’s because I’m really just playing around with what feels good! Since before my sabbatical, I’ve felt lost as to what to share on the podcast. So this week, I decided to do something I thought would be fun (and maybe you’ll think it’s fun too)... an episode where I talk about five things I’m LOVING right now. Are you ready?
Go to link.primallypure.com/therefinedwoman and use code TRW10 for 10% off. P.S. if you want 25% off, follow me on IG and keep an eye out for a code on May 11th. The code will only be valid on May 11th!
This is a big episode for me. Punch line first: I am taking a 4-month sabbatical from this podcast and ALL things The Refined Woman related starting September 1st through January 1st. I know you probably have a million questions (and concerns) so this episode is dedicated to explaining why I’ve made this decision, what this time will look like for you, and what I’ll be doing while I’m away.
Get 20% off when you go toBedSTU.comand use code RC20 at checkout.
The Risolve is offering our listeners 20% off when you go toTheRisolve.comand use discount code REFINED20 at checkout!
Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!
Andi Andrew is a dear friend of mine and I am glad to finally have her on the podcast! She is a wife, mother of four kiddos, pastor, author, and speaker. She and her husband, Paul, are lead pastors at the Liberty Church in NYC. She also launched She is Free in 2015, a movement that equips women to walk in freedom. Today we’re talking about dream interpretation, a prophetic dream she had in 2016, and we unpack a recurring dream I’ve been struggling to understand.
“As if posting a picture on our social media channels alone solves the massive problems we see all around us. If we could intentionally put our phones down more often and be about our father’s business…we’d see the change + transformation we so eloquently post about on our feeds…I think we can all agree that the last thing a lost and dying world needs is an army of ‘cute entertainers’ who are only interested in saving ourselves while spouting our opinions and putting on a show with an impotent gospel that temporarily fixes our symptoms instead of healing the heart, soul + body.” – Andi Andrew, Fake or Follower
A Prophetic Dream
Andi had a dream back in the election season in 2016… a tumultuous time.
She was walking down the street with her children. There was an angel on her shoulder. She noticed people taking selfies in front of piles of dead bodies along the road.
Andi felt no fear in the dream and her angel told her to walk into the destruction.
“God, is this a nightmare? Do I need to be praying for our city?” The Lord told her that no, it was the state of the church.
[BONUS] The Messy Middle: When Your Shame Becomes Your Redemption with Mary Marantz
Episode 117
Monday, September 28, 2020 • Duration 57:32
“She kept going until she looked good on paper, but it never made her feel more real.”
-Mary Marantz
How human is it to want something, try and fit the bill, and then finally fit the bill and feel like you’re suffocating? Mary Marantz and I talk all about this on the podcast this week. She grew up in a single-wide trailer, then went on to go to Yale Law School. She recently shared her story in her book Dirt that just came out this month. It’s a story that reminds you that you never really know a person.
Dirty Beginnings
She shares how looking back on such small beginnings, it’s easy to romanticize it in hindsight or from the outside looking in. But when you’re in it, it’s anything but.
God said to her, “This is muddy and it’s hard and it’s not what you wished for and you wished you had someone else’s story, but I’m not done writing.”
When she was little, the thing she wanted the most was a real house with a real roof. She imagined a blueprint of a home trying to redraw itself to be perfect.
“She kept going until she looked good on paper, but it never made her feel more real.”
Chasing the Shiny Fairytale
A large part of her always wanted to go to law school, but sometimes we chase things so grand like law school just to feel like we’ve redeemed our small beginnings.
At the start, she was hoping to go to a more local law school, but in a movie-like scenario, her friend submitted her application to Yale and she got in.
Later on, she decided to start a photography business with her husband (she met him online, y’all!!!) They took big risks in business— she never wants to live a life that is safe.
What If I Don’t Know Who I Am: Identity, Trauma and Stepping Into the Unknown with Jedidiah Jenkins
Episode 115
Wednesday, September 16, 2020 • Duration 57:35
Is it ok if I don’t know ‘who’ I am…we all want to be somebody.
But what is a somebody?
—Jedidiah Jenkins
Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!
This week, I’m chatting with travel writer, public speaker, and my good friend Jedidiah Jenkins. A few years ago, Jed made the decision to leave his job to pursue his dream: bike to Patagonia and write a book about it. And he did it. The book, To Shake the Sleeping Self, made the NYT Best Sellers List. Multiple times! Fun fact: we used to be roommates, so we share some fun stories from the good old days. We also chat about people-pleasing tendencies, learning to be your truest self, what our biggest fears can teach us, and why it’s important to name our traumas.
“When you start to step towards what feels true, you might ruffle feathers, but what you’ll find is people that look up and go ‘Oh my God, me too.’”
Being Gay in the Church
Jed was raised Christian, realized he was gay and was told it was bad.
“It’s a horrible thing to wake up into a consciousness as a child and realize that something innately inside you, everyone if they found out would reject you… That is a horrible darkness.”
This led him to try and be perfect. “If I’m not inherently good, then I must earn it.”
When he got to be 30 years old, he decided to live his life, despite his biggest fear of be
[BONUS] Why Are So Many People Leaving the Evangelical Church Right Now?
Episode 114
Friday, September 11, 2020 • Duration 41:45
On this special bonus episode, I’m sharing part two of my conversation with Addison Bevere. If you missed part one, listen here for our chat about first dates, vulnerability, and 3 practical ways to know if he’s ‘the one.’ This episode, we’re diving into a conversation about his book he just released called Saints: Becoming More Than "Christians." We explore the current climate of the Western Evangelical church. We’re in a mass exodus right now and to be completely real with you, there are times I’m embarrassed to be associated with Christian culture.
What it Means to Be Saints
The word “Christian” is only used three times in Scripture. The word “Saints” is used over 60 times.
“Saints aren’t people who remove themselves from the struggles of our world, Saints are people who plunge into the messiness of this world. We are all called to be Saints.”
We discuss how so much of the Western Evangelical church has ignored the Black Lives Matter movement.
“We’re a family and a family isn’t whole and completely represented until every single person is at that table.”
The early church (the Saints) took Jesus’ words seriously and shared a Gospel that disrupted the status quo and turned the world upside down. It was a message worth trading their lives for. Can we say the same about today’s “Gospel”?
What Does it Means to Be a Christian
We’re living a post-Christian world, aka they’re moving on to secularism or DIY spirituality. What does this mean for Christians?
“People have reduced the Gospel to a transactional idea.”
A sin is a violation of relationships, and Jesus came to restore relationships.
“That’s where the kingdom advances… at the intersection of relationship.”
Is He the One?: 3 Practical Ways to Know if You’ve Found 'The One' with Addison Bevere
Episode 113
Wednesday, September 9, 2020 • Duration 45:15
Addison Bevere is the COO of the non-profit Messenger International and co-founder of Sons and Daughters TV. He also recently became a published author— he just wrote Saints: Becoming More Than “Christians.” We talked for SO long and about so many things that I decided to share this episode in two parts, so you’ll be getting a special bonus episode this week! In this episode, we talk all about love, dating, and relationships. He shares the story of how he got married young and had children right away, plus he gives practical tips to know if you’ve found the one.
“There’s joy and meaning and opportunity to be found in every season.”
How to Practice Vulnerability in Dating
Clarity
o “Clarity is a relationship’s best friend in every stage.”
Remove the Pressure
o Release the first date pressure of “Are they the one?” Instead, ask yourself “Did I enjoy my time?” and “Do I want to spend more time with them?”
Chill out!
o “We’re trying to answer questions we shouldn’t even be asking yet.”
Dating Real talk from a Dude:
Addison shares that for the most part, men can be oblivious to when girls are flirting and sometimes they’re just terrified of making a move.
“Wisdom transcends nuance, so when we seek to have a heart of wisdom, then we realize that God doesn’t deal in transactions, He deals in relationships.”
Healing Heartache: How to Overcome Rejection, Break-Ups, + Heartbreak
Episode 112
Wednesday, September 2, 2020 • Duration 01:02:55
“In the midst of chaos, there’s always a place where peace resides.
We just have to find our way to it”.
— Toni Collier
Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!
I have the pleasure of talking to Toni Collier this week. She is a speaker, host, consultant, and the founder of a women’s ministry called Broken Crayons Still Color. She helps women process brokenness and move towards hope. (I spoke to her husband Sam Collier a few weeks ago on the podcast— you can listen here.) We had a wonderful conversation all about her process of healing from traumas, our daddy issues (shoutout to Beyonce), and how she moved from divorce to healing and love.
“Our childhood wounds become the hurdles of our adulthood.”
4 Big Hitters to Overcoming Heartbreak
Self-awareness
Be honest and confront yourself.
Too often, we just survive through traumas. We need to understand that those traumas are not okay and heal from them. We also need to realize that healing isn’t overnight.
Lean in and do the work:
what’s the bottom of your pit?
Because of the pain she endured in childhood, she found herself in situations that caused further trauma and pain.
“I turned into this extremely hurt, abused, bitter woman and it was leaking everywhere because our pain can just not stay silent.”
Why Does the Church Worship Marriage?
Episode 111
Wednesday, August 26, 2020 • Duration 01:02:59
Today is a big day, friends, because I’m chatting with Jamie Ivey! A few years ago Jamie had me on her podcast The Happy Hour with Jamie Ivey. AND it was the first time I ever opened up about my faith and singleness. It was astonishing to hear the response to that conversation and it is part of the reason I am writing a book. Today, we chat about her book, You Be You, understanding our callings, how the church worships marriage, and how to maintain healthy boundaries in friendships.
Does being single in the church feel like being JV to the Varsity of married couples ?
Worshipping Marriage
We talk about how some people feel their biggest calling is being a wife or a mother and the ways it can be a problematic feeling:
The 3 Marriage Myths:
Marriage will solve your problems, and fix you. i.e. eating disorder, body image, addiction, etc.
Marriage makes you more godly.
Marriage will jumpstart your purpose and calling.
“This is on us as the church to quit proclaiming marriage as God’s greatest gift to us. It is a good gift, but I am not any more special than you because I’m married.”
Can Men and Women Be Friends? (Ya we went there…again).
We chat about how if you shut yourself off from any male friendships, you’re missing out on getting to know so many people.
Jamie talks about the boundaries she and her husband stick to when it comes to guarding their marriage.
#1 thing to keep in mind in guy/girl friendships: COMMUNICATION. If you’re developing feelings for a guy friend… SAY IT!
God was telling her that the church needs its foundation to be rebuilt and that it will take longer than we want it to, but it will happen.
“In this season, God is really stripping the layers back of the church and of our lives so that we can hopefully wake up and pay attention.”
It’s time to go back to the simplicity of the gospel. Get rid of the bells and whistles and focus on devotion to God, each other, prayer, unity, and community.
4 Different Types of Dreams
1. Soul Dream
This is your brain processing the day. If you watched a certain show or listened to a certain song that day, it could be weaved into the dream.
2. Demonic Dream (night terror/nightmare)
These are not from God.
The enemy is showing you his hand— use this to pray specifically to God.
3. Prophetic Dream
They could be personal, for others, or for a collective of people.
Discernment: when and where to share, or are you just supposed to pray for others during this time?
4. Personal Discipleship Dream
If there’s something that you haven’t dealt with from your past, it could keep coming to you in your dreams.
Common Dream Symbols
Numbers and colors are important. If you remember small details of your dreams, write them down!
Different types of buildings and vehicles have different meanings: towers, open fields, scary forests, cars, airplanes, motorcycles.
“The word of God, the Holy Spirit, is going to be your greatest teacher.”
How to Interpret Your Dream
Stay in the word of God— read it all the time.
You need to be able to discern if your dream is from you, from God, or from the enemy.
Pray! “Holy Spirit, does this have a meaning?”
Write down the details of your dreams first thing in the morning.
If you’re receiving a prophetic message for another person, “Ask God: Am I meant to share this or am I just meant to pray for this person?” and always approach the person with humility.
I am so grateful for my friend Stephanie May Wilson and he her heart to create content to help me walk into a place of God’s presence with trust. She has a new journal called The Between Places: 100 Days to Trusting God When You Don’t Know What’s Next. It’s a prayer journal for seasons of waiting, uncertainty, transitions, and making big decisions. You can pick up your journal at smaywilsonshop.com and use code REFINED for 15% off!
You know how they say it takes a village to raise a kid? Well, this podcast is like my baby. Did you know you couldfinancially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)!
“Is it something heavy you’re carrying? Is it a burden? Or is it some precious thing you’re carrying carefully?... For me, it’s the second one.”
“I would no more try to run away from the dust in my life that represents the creation of God than I would try to run away from the mud in my story that represents the genesis of my story.”
Look at your dirt and see the power of where you come from instead of the shame.
“There’s no amount of running where you can outrun you.”
If you want to hear more of Mary’s story, you can buy her new book, Dirt, at thebookdirt.com/refined(plus you’ll get some fun goodies!)
Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdatingtipsto check it out!
You know how they say it takes a village to raise a kid? Well, this podcast is like my baby. Did you know you could financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)!
Jed opens up about the complicated relationship he has with his mother throughout his journey of becoming who he really is.
When Your Biggest Fears Become Your Reality
I open up about when my biggest fear became a reality: my dad having a drug relapse—and found instead of destroying me; it became one of the biggest access points for growth in my life.
“Being tested is the revelation of who you are, so I wouldn’t trade that for the world.”— Jed
Jed’s worst fear was rejection by everyone, and the opposite happened. “I’m lucky because I have a mother who loves first and is righteous second.”
If you don’t heal your past; it will haunt you.
3 Practical things to do to begin walking towards freedom from trauma:
Identify + speak your trauma out loud in safe spaces.
Only then can you start to see how even the darkest moments have led you to who and where you are today.
Release it—if we don’t heal our past; it will haunt us.
Jed shares a quote from Onsite, a trauma workshop experience based in Nashville: “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.” Even if we’re not aware of the trauma, our bodies and subconscious are.
Growth doesn’t mean that the struggle isn’t there anymore. It means you now have the tools to handle the struggle when it pops up.
“Walk in the direction of what feels right. If it’s not right, it will tell you.”
You can buy his book, Like Streams to the Ocean, here.
You can buy his book, To Shake the Sleeping Self, here.
Check out my IGTV response to purity culture here.
Check out Onsite, the therapist community in Nashville, here.
You can buy the book we talk about, The Body Keeps the Score, here.
Get updates for my book, Sexless in the City, here.
As a 35-year-old, the one thing I wish I knew in my 20s is that it’s never too early to start taking good care of your skin. I’ve recently become obsessed with Beauty Bio. They have an incredible microneedling tool called the GloPro. It helps create firmer, smoother, and younger looking skin with tighter pores. It’s financially accessible AND time efficient! Go to beautybio.com and check out their GloPro microneedling regeneration tool.Use TRC15 for 15% off your first order.
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The church is full of extremes. Some people think being saved is both the starting line and the finish line. However, other people make the finish line so far away that nobody can reach it.
Getting Back to the Heart of God
Is it possible to recover from feelings of embarrassment with the Christian culture?
Addison shares that he no longer calls himself a Christian. Instead, he says he is a follower of Christ because he doesn’t like the baggage of identifying as a Christian.
“We have to be willing to use new language.”
“Saints” is never mentioned in the singular. That’s because it’s about the “we.”
Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out!
If you find yourself concerned about their spiritual journey, think more about if you’re on the same path rather than if you’re at the same point on the journey.
“God is the only one who gets to exist in the past, the present and the future. We get to live in the present.”
3 Ways to Know if They’re ‘The One’
Peace
Philippians 4: It’s a peace that transcends all understanding.
Colossians 3:14-15: Peace is like an umpire.
I share a personal story of a time I almost got engaged and how I look back on that time and recognize I did not have peace in that relationship.
Sacrifice
It’s important to ask yourself “Am I willing to lay down my life, in the context of marriage, for the rest of my life for this person?”
People frequently think about their relationship by evaluating the other person.
We all evolve in different seasons of life. We will always be navigating new strengths and weaknesses.
Growth
Does being with this person acknoweldge and encourage who you are today while inspiring you to be more? Both have to be true.
You can buy Addison’s book, Saints: Becoming More Than “Christians,” here.
You can buy Lisa Bevere’s book Lioness Arising, here.
Check out Addison’s IGTV “Why God Won’t Give You Clarity” here.
Get access to the conference Addison and I both spoke at here.
As a 35-year-old, the one thing I wish I knew in my 20s is that it’s never too early to start taking good care of your skin. I’ve recently become obsessed with Beauty Bio. They have an incredible microneedling tool called the GloPro. It helps create firmer, smoother, and younger looking skin with tighter pores. It’s financially accessible AND time efficient! Go to beautybio.com and check out their GloPro microneedling regeneration tool. Use TRC15 for 15% off your first order.
I am so grateful for my friend Stephanie May Wilson and he her heart to create content to help me walk into a place of God’s presence with trust. She has a new journal called The Between Places: 100 Days to Trusting God When You Don’t Know What’s Next. It’s a prayer journal for seasons of waiting, uncertainty, transitions, and making big decisions. You can pick up your journal at smaywilsonshop.com and use code REFINED for 15% off!
Beth Moorewas instrumental in Toni’s healing journey.
Go to the root of the trauma.
Toni shares the success she had with EMDR and what it does to treat trauma.
If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.
Unhealed trauma manifests in the present.
“Until we look ourselves in the eyes and become the healthy whole individuals that we want to date and marry, we’re going to perpetuate a cycle of single people roaming the earth.”
5 Quick Heartbreak Hacks
Unfollow + Block on social. If you think you’ll be tempted to search them, block them!
Community: invite trusted people into the process with you.
What brings you joy?
Self-Care
Back to the basics:
o Eat well
o Sleep well.
o Move your body.
Replenishment Cycle
The key here is to have a reserve of health that you can pull on.
Ask yourself, ‘What brings my soul, emotions, and spirit joy?’
Onsite Workshops in Nashville is another great resource if you want an in-person deep dive into trauma therapy.https://www.onsiteworkshops.com
As a 35-year-old, the one thing I wish I knew in my 20s is that it’s never too early to start taking good care of your skin. I’ve recently become obsessed with Beauty Bio. They have an incredible microneedling tool called the GloPro. It helps create firmer, smoother, and younger looking skin with tighter pores. It’s financially accessible AND time efficient! Go to beautybio.com and check out their GloPro microneedling regeneration tool. Use TRC15 for 15% off your first order.
I am so grateful for my friend Stephanie May Wilson and he her heart to create content to help me walk into a place of God’s presence with trust. She has a new journal called The Between Places: 100 Days to Trusting God When You Don’t Know What’s Next. It’s a prayer journal for seasons of waiting, uncertainty, transitions, and making big decisions. You can pick up your journal at smaywilsonshop.com and use code REFINED for 15% off!
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