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The Positive Pants Podcast

The Positive Pants Podcast

Fran Excell: Success Mindset Mentor For Business Owners.

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Frequency: 1 episode/7d. Total Eps: 308

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Fran Excell is a success mindset mentor who helps business owners overcome stress and self sabotage, so they can get off the emotional rollercoaster, get back their time & feel more in control! Fran draws on her training in Applied Neuroscience Coaching, NLP, EFT, Positive Psychology, Emotional Intelligence and other trauma informed mind body modalities, along with her own research and life experience to give you the tools to break through what’s holding you back and get out your own way by showing you how to let go of negative thinking, unconscious habits and limiting beliefs so you finally have the confidence and tools to fulfil your full potential and achieve anything YOU want to. If you struggle with negativity, self-doubt, procrastination, lack of organisation, confidence or need some help just getting yourself to do those things you reeeeeally want to but just can’t seem to then this is the place for you! "I’ve been where you are and through YEARS of tried and tested methods, years of studying and thousands of hours reading and working with clients I know how to turn things around and I know what works! I'm going to help you find your positive pants so you can achieve anything you want! ;-) I’ll come to you with a new episode every Monday and give you practical tips to improve your mindset for the positive and give you a deep understanding of why you do the things that you do. I’ll keep it short enough to be snackable so you can implement into your life and business straight away...hey I get it you’re busy, I've got you covered!" Head over to , https://www.franexcell.com/ follow @imfranexcell on Instagram or email hello@franexcell.com for more information. MEDICAL DISCLAIMER Any information or guidance we provide is not a substitute for the consultation, diagnosis, and/or medical treatment of your doctor or healthcare provider. You must not rely on any information or guidance we provide you with as an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or healthcare provide and we expressly disclaim all responsibility, and shall have no liability, for any damages, loss, injury, or liability whatsoever suffered by you or any third party as a result of your reliance on any information or guidance we provide you with. If you have any specific questions or concerns about any medical matter, you should consult your doctor or healthcare provider as soon as possible. If you think you may be suffering from any medical condition, you should seek immediate medical attention from your healthcare provider. Do not delay seeking medical advice, disregard medical advice or discontinue medical treatment because of information or guidance we provide you with. Nothing in this disclaimer will limit or exclude any liability that may not be limited or excluded by applicable law. Content Disclaimer The information contained above is provided for information purposes only. The contents of this podcast/audio are not intended to amount to advice and you should not rely on any of the contents of this podcast/audio. Professional advice should be obtained before taking or refraining from taking any action as a result of the contents of this podcast/audio Fran Excell disclaims all liability and responsibility arising from any reliance placed on any of the contents of this podcast/audio.
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    08/11/2024
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What Would You Do Differently?

lundi 20 novembre 2023 • Duration 10:11

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What Would You Do Differently?

 

This week’s episode comes with a little trigger warning, talking about themes of death so if that’s sensitive for you right now then come back to this when you feel ready.

 

It can be hard to talk about, and sometimes feel a bit morbid, to think about our own or loved ones' mortality but I feel like this is an important conversation to have, and a perspective to potentially live by that can actually lead to some really positive changes.

 

And I know that’s what you want for yourself, because you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t.

 

As you’ll know by now I’m a big believer in sharing things that impact you and the way you think, in case it can have the same impact on someone else and might make a big difference to their day, week, month, life…you get the idea.

 

So let’s start with a little context for why I'm talking about this today. 

 

Full credit goes to a friend of mine who I caught up with this last week. Someone who played an unexpectedly big role in my own healing this summer for which I'm hugely grateful for. 

 

We were just catching up and talking about all the big things still going on in my personal life and big decisions I still have to make and he just said to me, ‘Can I give you some advice? Just be happy. Do what makes you happy. Tomorrow isn’t promised.’

 

Now, him saying tomorrow isn’t promised isn’t new, he already thinks that way. 

 

But it hit particularly hard because his best friend had recently been killed suddenly in a road accident. 

 

Sometimes things happen, to you or other people, that just put things into perspective. Context matters. 

 

He also said that he’s not even thinking about the future right now and just living in the moment and taking every day as it comes, which is an easy thing to talk about, a lot of people do. 

 

To the point the message gets lost I think. But again, I think it hits different within the context of the words and the situation they’re said in. 

 

If you really lived like that, knowing that you might not get tomorrow and to totally be in the moment, even if it was just for a day, what would you do differently?

 

How might you think differently?

 

What would you just drop because you realise it’s just not important. 

 

What would you let go?

 

What decisions would you make?

 

What would you make sure you did?

 

What would you want to experience?

 

Who would you reach out to?

 

What would you say?

 

How might you throw caution to the wind?

 

What would make you feel like you’re really living, not just existing?

 

Pay attention to your first answers to these questions, they’ll tell you a lot. Maybe pause, grab your journal and write them down.

 

How different might it feel to live by that?

 

Perspective really is a wonderful thing.  

 

The other side to this conversation I think was also important. 

 

How can you channel the thoughts, feelings and behaviours that come from something negative, into something positive? 

 

I’ve talked a huge amount about this before, the idea that some of the worst things that happen to you can lead to positive things if you allow them to.

 

It doesn’t take away the pain but it channels it into something good. Something that you can be proud of. 

 

I always find huge comfort in that way of thinking and I've not been proved wrong yet. Amazing things have always come out of my worst moments. Always. 

 

He then told me that he’s been looking after his friend’s son and he’s going to be running a marathon with him to raise money for him to get a bench installed for his Dad so he has somewhere to go and talk to him.

 

I thought this was such a beautiful example of that. 

 

So if you’re in the thick of it right now, like I know a lot of you are, 2023 has been an annus horribilis for so many people. If that’s you, or someone you love, what could you do that could channel that pain and energy into something positive? 

 

Again, it’s not ignoring the pain, it’s not putting on a brave face or wishing the pain wasn’t there. 

 

It’s alchemy. It’s turning something into something else. Taking lead and turning it to gold over time. 

 

Also, it’s worth saying, be open to where and who your healing and your lessons might come from. It might surprise you. 

 

The same friend also said to me pretty soon after we met that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. You can’t predict which one that will be and one is not better than the other.  

 

So, with all that said, what would you do differently if you knew today might be your last?

 

Stay open. Stay humble. Live more. Do what makes you happy. Focus on what really matters. 

 

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Adulting 101

lundi 13 novembre 2023 • Duration 11:51

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Adulting 101

 

I’m always talking about how the things I love to teach most I consider ‘humaning 101’.

 

But I want to talk about the elephant in the room that comes along with that. 

 

And that is, ‘Adulting 101’.

 

Why?

 

Because in one week I had a total of 7 people say the same words to me. ‘I really thought I’d have my sh1t together by now’. 

 

These people, some of my favourites, beating themselves up because for some reason they believe that by a certain age we’re supposed to have everything clicked into place and know what we’re doing.

 

And in all honesty, nothing could be further from the truth.

 

I saw a quote that I loved recently and I'm sorry I can’t give credit to the original creator because I can’t find it but it was ‘I used to think adulthood was one crisis after another. I was wrong. Multiple crises. Concurrently. All at once. All the time. Forever.’

 

Yes it made me lol but I actually think this can spark a really important conversation. 

 

I’ve said it 1000 times that so much of ‘the work’ is simply learning how to deal with the inevitable stuff that life throws at you, and how reframing each of those things as growth opportunities can hugely help.

 

To live a happy and fulfilling life we MUST let go of the notion that that is what life is supposed to feel like all of the time.

 

It’s just not.

 

So much of the healing work is about breaking the patterns of historic triggers, recalibrating and rewiring neural pathways and your nervous system and constantly creating a new baseline of safety in your body and increasing your window of tolerance.

 

Literally increasing your capacity to cope with what life throws at you. 

 

Life IS going to throw things at you. 

 

You ARE going to be tested. 

 

I believe that learning to not see challenges as big, bad, scary things but things that we breathe through and grow through.

 

I’m so grateful for the work I do and the knowledge I have around how to do this because it genuinely is easier than most people think, which is why I'm always hammering home to go back to basics and prioritise the basics. 

 

I’m definitely not saying it’s always easy, especially at the beginning, but it is simple.

 

Learn to regulate your emotions and your nervous system and your life WILL get better, easier, happier, more calm.

 

That’s what I believe our priority is when we’re talking about ‘adulting’. It makes all the difference. 

 

Think about the level of responsibilities that grow as we get older. 

 

You might have kids, elderly parents, friends or family who are unwell or struggling, mortgages, our own health and wellbeing, job security…or lack thereof. The list really is endless.

 

And because life crises really don’t tend to follow a predictable or linear pattern it can sometimes feel like it’s one thing after another.

 

We also love to attach our age to this. Like I said, 7 different people uttered the words ‘I thought I’d have my sh1t together by now.’

 

That’s just a big fat lie. We think as kids that the adults in our lives have it all together. It’s interesting to consciously look back, or have the conversation with parents or grandparents and ask their perspective on where they were at your age. You might be very surprised at the answers you get.

 

This is one of the things I've actually loved as an adult. The dynamic can shift with your parents and you can have totally different conversations and ask the hard questions. 

 

If you feel like you can, I wholeheartedly recommend doing it, it can be incredibly cathartic.

 

So, from my perspective, ticking the boxes you think you ‘should’ have ticked as an adult really means nothing.

 

I thought I had ALL the boxes ticked, I’m turning 40 next year and life turned completely on its head.

 

I did not think I would be nearly 40, nearly divorced, living with my parents and all the other things that have happened over the last 12-18 months. 

 

It was not my plan.

 

I had everything I thought I ever wanted on paper. 

 

But you know what…I couldn’t be prouder of myself.

 

Even though there’s a long way to go still and some pretty horrendous next level adulting coming my way over the next few months, I can genuinely say that I am the happiest, calmest, most peaceful, confident, solid version of myself.

 

I did that.

 

No one else.

 

And I did it through my own bravery and gumption to do the big, hard, scary things I needed to do to get there.

 

To stare uncertainty in the face and say ok, I’ve got this. 

 

To put myself and my own wellbeing above anything else.

 

And I know there’s lots of you out there doing the same right now and might not be recognising that this is the adulting stuff that matters.

 

Removing yourself from situations that aren’t good for you and don’t make you feel loved and respected is a huge act of self care.

 

Making big decisions that might go against the grain or against what you had hoped for yourself and your life.

 

Staring fear in the face and doing it anyway.

 

Respecting yourself enough to say no, I deserve better, I’m worth more.

 

That’s huge.

 

Leaving the relationship, getting out of a toxic situation, changing careers, starting or quitting the business, leaving the situationship.

 

Yes it can feel like one thing after another. 

 

But the thing you think you should have done or be ‘at this age’ is not the right version of adulting to focus on.

 

That’s not the important stuff at all.

 

Do you like yourself?  Do you respect yourself?  Are you proud of yourself?

 

If the answer is no to any of those things, are you working towards it?

 

That’s just as brave!

 

I promise you no one has their sh1t together.

 

No one.

 

Doesn’t matter how old you are, or what you know. No one has it all figured out.

 

But knowing you’re going to be ok in the process is what matters.

 

Consciously living according to your values and belief systems is winning at life!

 

Making hard decisions and doing the right thing by yourself and other people is winning at life.

 

Knowing that you’re going to mess things up and get things wrong but you’re still a good person is winning at life.

 

Don’t focus on the material or societal things you think you should have by now.

 

Don’t focus on the notion that life should be rosy all the time. 

 

You’re probably doing way better than you think!

 

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Proud Of You...

lundi 11 septembre 2023 • Duration 11:20

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Proud Of You

 

In the most non patronising way possible, I want to get a message across today.

 

I’m proud of you.

 

I’m proud of me.

 

For so many things.

 

Sometimes you have to take stock of what we’re all working against to really acknowledge that we’re doing a great bloomin job…even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

 

There are so many phrases that teach us from little kids to be modest. To not shout about our achievements. It’s undesirable to think, let alone say, that we’re good. 

 

Good people, good at our jobs, good looking, a catch, good at something.  

 

We’re taught to play it down.

 

Don’t you dare think or believe you’re good enough for what you want. It’s unattractive.

 

Don’t be arrogant.

 

Don’t talk about the things you’re good at.

 

Don’t think you’re funny.




Essentially, don’t like yourself too much…or at all!

 

This is by proxy what we’re taught.

 

No wonder we have generations of people who can’t acknowledge their achievements or worth!

 

But this also serves to make damn sure we don’t notice the little things that we do that are amazing. 

 

So we’re going to change that today because you deserve it.

 

I’m proud of you for getting up this morning.

 

I’m proud of you for making hard decisions.

 

I’m proud of you for every time you’ve pushed yourself beyond your comfort zone.

 

I’m proud of you for every time you’ve done something you know is good for you.

 

I’m proud of you for every time you haven’t but you’ve noticed you WANT to!

 

I’m proud of you for every hard thing you’ve done.

 

I’m proud of you for facing things you didn’t want to.

 

I’m proud of you for every time you’ve let yourself rest.

 

I’m proud of you for every day you’ve kept going.

 

I’m proud of you for trying!

 

Some days…that’s more than enough!

 

I added a little prompt into my daily journaling for the non dear diary type (as a recap, go back to episode one but every day it’s writing down 3 things you’re grateful for, 3 good things that happened that day, something you’re looking forward to tomorrow, I also added a challenge that you overcame or learned a lesson from, and nice things you did for other people - As a reminder what this is doing is training your neural pathways to see these things as a default every day. To see the positive every day. To see your progress every day. It’s magic.)

 

The prompt I’ve added is ‘what am I proud of today’. Hopefully you can see exactly why this would be so valuable.

 

When we think about increasing our self worth, which SO many of us want to, it’s actually a lot easier than you think. 

 

It takes a little time, effort and energy to rewire those neural pathways but it’s beyond worth it.

 

It starts with learning for it to be safe to acknowledge our good points, the good things we’ve done and the ways we’re growing.

 

Learning that it is absolutely ok to acknowledge and celebrate yourself and your wins, no matter how big or small they are.

 

The last 12 months has been the biggest rollercoaster for me and I am SO beyond proud of myself. 

 

I’ve made heart wrenching decisions. I’ve made decisions that are the right thing for the short term and the long term, even though they were all painful and I could have easily looked at myself as a failure in SO many different areas.  I’ve done what’s right for me and prioritised my health, wellbeing and peace every day.

 

I can look back on this time in years to come with tremendous pride.

 

This attitude is beyond helpful in tough times, it’s something I've worked on and cultivated and allowed myself to learn over time.  

 

I’ve had confronting things to unlearn.

 

It’s not been easy every step of the way but I can safely say I'm proud of myself and I really am my own best friend inside my own head.

 

The way I talk to myself in my own head now vs most of my life is unrecognisable and that’s all available to you.

 

It starts with allowing yourself to acknowledge your smallest of wins every single day. 

 

Learning to see yourself in a new positive light, every day.

 

Learning that the smallest of steps are still steps in the right direction, and that if you take a step back, there will STILL be another step forward.

 

Learning to be KIND to yourself.

 

Learning to have compassion for yourself.

 

Learning to understand that YOUR opinion of you is the most important thing and something you have control over. What other people think of you is up to them.

 

Understanding that it’s all possible and that it’s possible for you!

 

I’m proud of you.

 

I’m proud of me. 

 

You deserve to feel proud of yourself!

 

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Do You Know How To Listen To Your Intuition?

lundi 15 novembre 2021 • Duration 13:26

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Do you listen to your intuition?

 

Do you listen to your intuition?  Do you even know what it ‘sounds’....or more accurately ‘feels’ like?

 

I call my intuition my Spidey senses and they’re pretty strong to be honest.

 

Listening to them and obeying them however, I do sometimes fall down on. Old patterns will sometimes cause that.

 

BUT  I've definitely learned over the years that if I DO ignore them, or override them...there will be consequences.

 

Your spidey senses are VERY important.  

 

Particularly when making decisions.  But if you’ve got used to ignoring them or haven’t listened to them in a while you’ve got to start getting ‘back in touch’.

 

Your spidey senses, aka your intuition, is essentially your brain and your nervous system communicating with you.  That lovely little gap between your conscious awareness and unconscious programmes, memories and patterns.  

 

You sense something somatically before you have a cognitive knowledge of it.

 

It’s a survival strategy that we’ve always had as a species, protecting us from the tiger waiting in the bushes!

 

Think about it.  If we didn’t get that little ‘tingle’ (or whatever it shows up as for you) we’d put ourselves in danger. 

 

We wouldn’t have our wits about us. 

 

We might potentially get eaten. 

 

Or in this day and age...go down that dark ominous alley or into that room of people we don’t know.

 

It’s absolutely one of my ‘super powers’ in my business. I see a problem before it’s a problem. 

 

If something pops into my head, there’s usually a reason so I like to call it out.  Clients and friends are very used to this now.

 

People aren’t surprised anymore if I say ‘the spidey senses told me to message you’ or ‘the spidey senses said to say X, Y, Z.’ 

 

I always do it with no attachment to it, particularly when it’s with clients, I always say to take it or leave it just in case it’s useful, but 99% of the time it’s exactly what was needed at that moment.  So I’ve learned to roll with it, even if it might feel silly.

 

I don’t look at intuition or spidey senses as anything ‘woo’ at all.  It’s something that’s been studied scientifically for years, although difficult to quantify.

 

We all have this in us. 

 

I mean it’s pretty cool and can feel a little bit magical for sure but really It’s our bodies way of communicating with us.  Steering us, if you like.

 

It’s an incredibly important skill to master.  And it is a skill. 

 

Like I say, we all have it, we’ve had it for millennia as a protection mechanism, it’s just that the danger has changed and these days may not actually be life or death..but it might FEEL that way to our nervous system.  And also a way to steer us towards what’s good for us too.

 

We often feel something before we think it.  That sense to do, or not do something. 

 

You’ll have a spidey sense for a yes and a spidey sense for a no.   You’ll have a spidey sense about saying something or going somewhere, or a particular decision that you have to make, or a person.

 

The challenge comes with getting to know each signal.  So you know what it’s trying to say, or the direction it’s trying to steer you. 

 

Pay attention to the senses.

 

What is your gut telling you?

 

Is there a slight feel of unease telling you to keep your guard up a little bit?

 

Is there a DEEP sense of unease telling you to run for the hills?

 

Is there a deep knowing it’s just the right thing for you?

 

Can you get in touch with it around what to launch for your business?

 

What to keep and what to let go of?

 

And the people you let in or let go of?

 

What are your spidey senses trying to tell you?

 

Is there a familiar feeling that you can pin point in another part of your life from the past?  This could be for good or bad.  We just need to tune back in.

 

When Dawni and Abi approached me to go in with them on The Mentorship it was my intuition that said a hard yes.

 

There were a lot of reasons not to.  At the time, I really didn’t know either of them very well.

 

It was also a 3...of women!  I had NOT had good experiences with that situation in the past at all.

 

I could not have trusted them.  I could have said, ‘ooooh a 3, nope, not going there again’ and robbed myself of the healing that has occurred just from saying yes.

 

I just had a good feeling.  I felt it in my gut.  My heart said yes.  My intuition said yes and it was the best thing I could have done for myself.

 

They share my values.  They share the way I look at business.  They share my deep desire to help people and not let them get in their own way.  

 

It’s no joke when I tell you how much it’s changed old patterns for me around female friendships. Around allowing myself to trust and open up in that way.  It really has been transformative and I'm so excited for the work we’re going to do together and the way we’re going to work together to give the amazing people joining The Mentorship a transformation.  To help them heal old patterns and belief systems.  We all deeply believe in people’s capabilities.  

 

And I owe it to them being in touch with their intuition and spidey senses around bringing me in, and my spidey senses just knowing it was right.

 

The more you hone this skill, the more it will point you in the right direction.

 

Remember we’re 95-99% unconscious and the brain LOVES you to repeat familiar patterns.  Where might you be falling into one that doesn’t serve you so well?  Where might it be trying to steer you TOWARDS something that’s right for you?

 

Also remember there’s a reason it’s called a ‘gut feeling’. 

 

 The clues of what to pay attention to comes through in our language. The gut, heart and the brain are connected. The brain, the heart and the gut all have their own neurons and neural networks. 

 

Here’s another example.  ‘What does your heart tell you’ or ‘what does your gut tell you’.  

 

And ‘I’ve just got a good feeling about this’.  

 

If you’ve ever said any of those things, you’ve connected to your intuition.

 

Nothing woo about it.  It’s there all the time, communicating with us.  We just learned to stop listening. 

 

We learned to suppress emotions.  We learned to do as we’re told.  

 

So just start to tune in.  Check in with what you feel in your body at certain times of the day.  Or when you’re doing certain tasks. Or around certain people.

 

You might want to do it in meditation.  You might want to do a body scan. Just ask yourself the question, ‘what am I feeling right now, where am I feeling it and what might be driving it’

 

Get curious. 

 

Make the unconscious, conscious, so you can choose to do something with it.

 

It’s such an essential skill when you can learn to trust it.  It’s visceral.  You feel it.

 

If you read the autobiographies of some of the most successful people in the world they’ll talk about having ‘hunches’ or use language like ‘I just knew’ even in the face of evidence to the contrary. 

 

Your intuition usually has far more data points than you on something.  It gets to scan all the reserves of your memory banks, past experiences, familiar patterns etc. It’s working with a LOT more than simply what’s right in front of you at that moment. 

 

So have a think about where you might have been ignoring your spidey senses.  And how you might start to get back in touch with them.

 

And if you’ve been considering joining The Mentorship, now is the time.  We start orientation on the 22nd November.  

 

6 months of real business mentorship with me, Dawni Baxter and Abi Hugo and all the experience that brings.  Dawni being the legend of branding, social media, audience attraction and so much more.  

 

Abi of @thewhitethistle the legend of instagram growth and monetising your account even if it’s small!  

 

And Moi to tame the inevitable mindset gremlins that get in your way.  Helping you overcome stress and self sabotage so you can get your time back and feel more in control.  

 

We bring a wealth of experience in relationship based selling, podcasting, messaging and SO much more and making sure your business is set up based on what YOU want for your life.  With YOU at the heart of it. Taking away the shoulds and the things you’ve been told you’re supposed to have and tuning back into what you actually want.

 

If it’s calling to you then we’d love to have you.  You can find all the details at https://bit.ly/thementorship21   

 

So check in with yourself, your gut, your heart, your spidey senses... what are they telling you?

 

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Why Do You Struggle To Ask For Support?

lundi 8 novembre 2021 • Duration 11:39

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Why do you struggle to accept support?

 

Why do so many people struggle to accept support?

 

This is a biggie and one I can certainly relate to myself.  

 

Not when I was younger, then I usually felt like I COULDN’T do anything without someone’s help.

 

I learned pretty quickly that I would be labelled ‘needy’, or ‘weak’ by other people.  

 

Quick trigger warning, I'm going to very briefly talk about my first real relationship which was emotionally abusive. I won’t give any specifics but I want to talk about it to help you frame the behaviour. (and if you DO resonate, I really hope it shows you that change and healing is so possible!)

 

I definitely learned that no one was coming to rescue me during that time.  I’d been pretty isolated from my friends and relied on him for everything.

 

In the year it took me to leave him, I learned that I needed to be strong, that no one else was going to take responsibility for me and I had to build up my own confidence. That happened slowly but it absolutely happened.  

 

But while I can see now that relationship taught me independence and that I was way stronger than I ever gave myself credit for...in the end!! For that I’m grateful. 

 

But the issue was I then wore that fierce independence as a badge of honour and sense of identity. It was something I was very proud of.

 

But it stopped me ever asking anyone for help, with anything, because it would trigger those feelings of helplessness. Of weakness. (notice I say ‘feelings of, not that I was those things!) Of going back to that younger version of me who felt incapable or even a burden.

 

The desire to feel supported and frustration that you don’t.  At the same time causing that very to happen by thoughts like ‘urgh, i’ll just do it myself’ or preempting that someone will let you down so you do the thing anyway and then resent it, even though you actually haven’t given the other person a chance to prove you wrong and actually let them support you. That’s how it would show up for me. It might be different for you.

 

So it’s something I've definitely worked on over the years and was an important behaviour to pick apart, because in many ways it held me back. 

 

This is why awareness is important.  The behaviour of not asking for help made total sense to my nervous system, it was the ‘safer’ option because the alternative was being controlled, manipulated and feeling awful about myself on a daily basis and living in a constant state of hypervigilance...and it’s always going to prioritise survival and doesn’t have a moral compass about what’s good or bad, so I don’t judge myself or beat myself up for it one bit.  

 

But that awareness helps me make the changes I want and need to so I can create behaviours that DO serve me now.  And to do that, it has to feel ‘safe’ in your body.

 

When there’s an unconscious programme running around not asking for, or even just accepting support it’s a sure fire route to burnout, things taking longer than they need to and you feeling unsupported...even though that’s of your own making!

 

It can be like you’re desperate to feel supported...and yet not allowing anyone to support you because you won’t ask...and if they offer, your go to reaction is ‘no i’m fine’.

 

So if you can relate, let’s unpick it a little shall we?

 

Think of this from the frame of asking for support.  That might be about outsourcing and delegating.  It might be about emotional support such as a coach or a community that you’re in. Or NOT joining something because you think you won’t ‘use’ the support available. It might be about being able to express your needs for support to your loved ones.  Or it might be all of the above!

 

There are many reasons we might not ask for or struggle to accept help and it will be different for all of us. So grab your journal and we’ll go through a few common ones and you can find the awareness you need to be able to make a different choice, should you want to.

 

So here we go...

 

You see asking for help, or accepting it, as a sign of weakness, it might even conflict with who you think you are at an identity level.  If you identify as the strong, independent one it might feel pretty vulnerable and confronting to ask for help. 

 

But also...You worry about what other people may think.  How it might ‘look’ if you ask for help.  What are you making it mean? And what story are you telling yourself about what THEY might make it mean? (This is a particularly big one if you have access to a community and don’t want to/feel you can’t use support that’s available in there)

 

You don’t trust people. Or don’t trust people to do things as well as you.

 

You believe people will let you down so you don’t give them the chance to try.

 

You’re used to overachieving and feeling no one will do as good a job as you. Again here it might be a concern around what other people think if you were to ask for help. 

 

You’re a people pleaser who struggles to ask for help because you’re always focused on others.  Or you may feel like you’re inconveniencing someone else. 

 

It might make you feel like you’ve ‘failed’ in some way. 

 

You might have seen the same behaviour from your primary caregivers and you just learned that you don’t ask for or accept help.  You will have assigned meaning to it then.  What might be that story?

 

So what might it be for you?

 

Where does the behaviour make sense?

 

What could change for you if you accepted help and support?

 

Would you be able to outsource more?  Have a team?  Therefore freeing up more of your time.  Taking the pressure off.

 

The bottom line is.  It’s a learned behaviour.  It made sense for your nervous system and brain to wire itself that way based on your unique set of experiences.  But good old neuroplasticity means it can be Re-wired. But you have to start with the awareness piece of the puzzle first so you can bring it into the conscious mind and OUT of unconscious autopilot.

 

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What Other People Think Of You Doesn’t Define You!

lundi 1 novembre 2021 • Duration 11:14

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What other people think doesn’t define you!

 

What other people think of you doesn’t define you.  So why do we care so much?

 

I’ve not done an episode on this for a little while and it’s something I get asked all the time so I thought I would do a little recap on this one.

 

When I tell people how I used to be, someone who had zero self esteem.  Someone who validated themselves by other people's opinions. Someone who was the most negative person in the room, catastrophising, always looking for ‘acceptance’...yeeeeesh it was an exhausting existence.

 

...they don’t believe me.

 

Which is nice! 

 

BUT, if I can heal from it, you can too.

 

So how do we go about this?!

 

Firstly it’s worth saying, you are absolutely not alone. This is something I see come up time and time again when people are starting or uplevelling businesses or trying to achieve big things.

 

These common phrases start to rear their ugly heads. 

 

‘Who am I to do this?’

 

‘What will people think of me?’

 

‘What if people don’t like me or say mean things?’

 

‘What if people tell me I'm wrong...publicly!’

 

‘What if my friends and family laugh at me?’

 

‘What if everyone else is better than me?’

 

‘What if people don’t accept me?’

 

‘I don’t want to feel excluded.’

 

The way you feel about yourself is shaped before you’re 8 years old.  You’re an unconscious sponge, taking on everything you see and hear.  This could be from parents, siblings, friends, family, teachers, anyone in charge of your care. How attuned you were, how seen and heard you felt, what was going on in your environment. For the positive and the negative.

 

Remember, understanding this is never about judgement or blame and always about curiosity and knowledge that you have the power to heal and change should you choose to. 

 

It’s important to note this though because this is the stuff that will have a big factor in how resilient you are when it comes to other people’s opinions of you. How resilient you are to not being ‘included’. Or caring where you are in the ‘pecking order’ of who’s more successful than who.

 

Again, it’s not about blame or shame, it’s about helping you make sense!  If you’re not aware of something, you can’t change it. 

 

School has a LOT to answer for in the way we feel about ourselves too.

 

Rejection registers in the brain as physical pain.  It’s very easy to be triggered by the thought of someone not accepting us, or rejecting us, or telling us we’re not good enough….or saying it behind our backs.  It’s as if your inner child comes right to the surface and you are that younger version of you, feeling it all over again.

 

So, it makes sense why we might try to avoid it, right?

 

Until we get curious and pick it apart that is!

 

First it’s about taking a look at whose opinion actually matters?

 

Something worth mentioning here is that sometimes, someone who is close to you whose opinion matters in many scenarios, might be somewhat less valid in others.

 

An example might be your parents or a spouse.  Their opinion on what you do and who you are in many cases may be important.  But their view on your sales page or website with no prior experience or knowledge in that area...less so!

 

Does the opinion of a stranger on the internet, who is unhappy enough in their lives to comment negatively on yours, really matter?

 

Does it really have clout?

 

It’s about starting to care what YOU think of yourself.  The more yourself you are, the more you live by your values, the more you’re not going to care about other people’s opinions.

 

When we understand our own behaviour we can start to understand other people’s.  The reality is, we can trigger other people.  We can unconsciously hold up a mirror to other people.

 

We can highlight that we might be doing something they wish they could but aren’t.

 

Our success can trigger other people.

 

What we ‘have’ can trigger other people. 

 

It’s worth asking if that person’s opinion has any validity too.  Is what they’re saying sounding true?  Is there some potential helpful feedback in there? If not...discount it!  Worth checking in though.

 

It’s being able to discern that sometimes, other people’s opinions have nothing to do with us and everything to do with them.

 

We also need to appreciate it’s evolutionary to be accepted.  If you weren’t it could be life or death. 

 

We can unconsciously cause our own rejection too. If we believe that we will be rejected, or not accepted...that will create certain feelings that will drive our behaviour.

 

That might be, hanging back.  Rejecting before we’re rejected. It might be not getting involved in communities but watching other people make connections.

 

We can essentially create ourselves a fun little self fulfilling prophecy of rejection, thus reinforcing everything we thought about ourselves or what was going to happen through our own behaviour.

 

Try not to project your thoughts onto other people’s opinions.

 

By hanging back or not getting involved, we become not involved. We’re not giving off the message that we want to be involved right?  Therefore saving ourselves from what we believe to be inevitable rejection, and creating it at the same time.

 

The trick is to start to become aware of these things.  Again, not judging ourselves for it but being curious about it.

 

Where does this behaviour make sense?

 

If you feel tension or anxiety bubbling up, use an emotional regulation technique to wake up the part of your brain that has conscious, rational thought, choice, decisions.  From that place you get to talk back, but you have to regulate your emotions first.

 

If you’ve been uncomfortable in groups before, how can you find groups to feel safe in and break that cycle?  Dip your toe in the water and allow yourself to be accepted.  It’s even more important if you have this pattern running that you surround yourself with people who support you and have your back. But you have to allow them to.

 

It’s like I said in the episode ‘isn’t it time you backed yourself’...allow other people to back you until you learn to back yourself.  You will care FAR less about other people’s opinion that way.

 

Remember, opinions and thoughts often aren’t truth.  Other people’s and your own.  People will always have an opinion on you, the one that matters is your opinion on you.

 

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Is It Time You Backed Yourself?

lundi 25 octobre 2021 • Duration 12:59

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Is It Time To Back Yourself?

 

Is it finally time to back yourself?

 

Sometimes that can feel really hard. Particularly when you’ve spent most of your life believing you’re not enough.  Good enough, clever enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, enough enough!

 

We wait and wait to feel ‘ready’ to do certain things or to take certain opportunities.

 

We don’t back ourselves, often for fear of judgement, failure, rejection, getting it wrong.

 

We unconsciously feel like those things are just not worth the risk.

 

But I'm not sure you ever really feel 100% ready to do something you haven’t done before.

 

Something that’s the next level.

 

We’re not wired that way.  We’re not wired for change to be easy because it’s doing something thats unrehearsed and unfamiliar so we need to give our brain and nervous system the evidence that it’s safe and ok to take action.

 

Can you think of times you have backed yourself, felt the fear and done it anyway, and it’s paid off?

 

It might be going for a promotion.  It might be leaving a job for your own business. It might be saying yes to an opportunity.  Anything where you weren’t absolutely sure it was going to work out but you put your hat in the ring.

 

Hopefully you’ve got a couple of those examples.  Equally important is those times you backed yourself and it didn’t work out as you’d hoped.  

 

Did you learn something important along the way?  Did you get some feedback you wouldn’t have had you not put yourself out there?  Did you learn something valuable?

 

The other thing I’m always getting clients to do is play through the fear.

 

What actually happens?  

 

We often have these big fears, these worst case scenarios...but we actually stop short of thinking, what would REALLY happen if that happened?!

 

If you make a mistake, what happens?  Play it through, is it that bad?

 

Or if you get rejected with a no, what actually happens?  What are you making it mean about you?

 

But the confidence to REALLY back yourself comes from you constantly delivering for yourself.  In other words, actually putting yourself out there to get a result.

 

I did this recently.  An opportunity dropped in my lap where I definitely felt the initial ‘i’m not ready’ tension.

 

I felt all the stories around why other people were better for this opportunity than me.  All the reasons I wasn’t qualified or good enough.  That’s what our nervous system does.

 

It’s like….hold on a second, this is new, unfamiliar, unrehearsed, therefore it’s unsafe and you could literally DIE...so...NOPE!  Have all these negative thoughts right here to stop you going for it.

 

You see this is why i’m always saying the goal is not about never having these thoughts it’s about knowing how to navigate them.  Understanding why they’re there.  That they aren’t necessarily true the vast majority of the time.

 

Knowing that this is a growth opportunity.

 

I promise you those thoughts and feelings hang around a LOT less and don’t come up as often when you do this work.

 

So I felt the fear and did it anyway.  I didn’t even give myself time to think about it...or think myself out of it, I just said yes!

 

I just put my hat in the ring.  And it’s a HUGE ring I have to say.

 

I backed myself.  

 

I backed myself with the knowledge that even if it was a hard no and they laughed in my face, that was ok.

 

It didn’t mean anything about me, i’d just try again in the future, while being proud of myself for backing me.

 

But it did pay off.  

 

I sent in my information and got the email saying they wanted to talk to me.

 

Still feeling the activation, those momentary feelings of ‘oh god, they’re going to find out i’m not good enough for this’.  Remembering they will have had hundreds of options but they wanted to talk to ME!  

 

Again, even if it went nowhere further than that, that’s an achievement in itself and absolutely wouldn’t have even got that for without backing myself.

 

But, it paid off. They loved it. They said it was the best they’d seen and they want to work with me. 

 

It still might not happen, budgets and plans change all the time BUT...because I backed myself I know that I AM good enough.   For the things I onced believed were wildly out of my reach.

 

Even if it goes nowhere I have that. 

 

And I wouldn’t had I not backed myself.

 

BUT, I didn’t start there.  I’ve learned to do that.  I’ve learned to back myself. As someone who struggled with hugely low self esteem and lack of confidence, i’ve learned this.

 

But I also surrounded myself with the right people.

 

I know there are people in my life that don’t ‘get’ what I do.  That’s ok, they don’t have to. They are people who have a different way of thinking to me, that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be in my life.  

 

We just don’t really talk about work and that’s ok.  We have a different relationship.  I don’t want their fears or ideas of what life ‘should’ look like to rub off on me and they don’t have to.

 

But the people who DO get it, or want to...cling onto them because they’re gold dust!

 

They are my hype team. 

 

You NEED those in business.

 

You need those in LIFE!

 

You may be sat there thinking, I don’t have those people right now.  That’s ok.  We go against the grain running our own businesses and not everyone can wrap their heads (or conditioning!) around that.

 

You go find them.  I did!

 

And I’m in their hype team too.

 

Be around people who will back you when you don’t back yourself, until you do!

 

Create your own hype team.

 

You’ve met some of mine.  Some i’ve interviewed on the podcast.  Some I talk about in episodes, my emails or social media.

 

They are hugely important to me and i’m incredibly grateful to and for them.

 

One is my hubs, Mr T himself. I’m incredibly lucky to have my hype team so close to home.  I know not everyone has that. 

 

Even if he sometimes doesn’t ‘get’ everything i’m trying to do...he backs me. 

 

Most of my hype team are other business owners.  They get me, I get them.  

 

They’re the ones who will be in a crowded room singing my praises and vice versa.

 

But I created that.

 

I didn’t start with it.

 

It makes the HUGEST difference.  We all have the odd wobbly day, you need those people that hold the mirror up, remind you who the heck you are. That help you keep going. That help reframe your thoughts and get you back on track.  But will equally challenge you!

 

I’m SO flipping lucky with the ones I have and couldn’t be more grateful.

 

2 of my hype team and I have actually created something together with all of this in mind. 

 

Abi Hugo of @thewhitethistle and Dawni Baxter of @beyond_thedawn have teamed up to create a 6 month mentorship programme.  Literally called ‘The Mentorship’ and we couldn’t be more excited.

 

That’s how much we believe in each other and back each other.  We’re literally in it together now!

 

We want to create the hype team we wish we’d had for other people.

 

3 heads are better than one.  It’s a 6 month programme where you have access to all 3 of us and get to draw on all our expertise to get your business running with YOU at the heart of it.  AND have the support of the rest of your cohort too.

 

Cheerleading, butt kicking, hand holding, the lot.

 

Stripping away the things you’ve been told you ‘should’ be doing or have and getting to the core of what you REALLY want for your business and your life.

 

We’re tired of seeing people struggle.  Work themselves to the bone and feel like they’re in it alone.

 

Plus there’s a 4 day cosy retreat with us in January to boot!

 

So if this sounds like a hype team you’d like to be a part of you can find all the details at https://bit.ly/thementorship21 We start on the 20th November so you've only got until then to decide. It’s an absolute maximum of 20 people and some of the slots are already gone so if you want to see if it’s for you you’re welcome to book in a call so we can make sure it's right for you.

 

Whether it’s with the mentorship, an accountability buddy or a group of friends, you deserve your own hype team.  You get to back yourself.

 

It’s definitely time to back yourself!

 

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Are You Exhausted?

lundi 18 octobre 2021 • Duration 10:10

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Are You Exhausted?

 

Are you exhausted right now?

 

I’m seeing sooooooooo many business owners feeling it right now.

 

This lingering ‘funk’ where you kind of just want the world to stop for a month so you can have a proper break.

 

But you feel like you can’t.

 

It seems like it’s everywhere right now.

 

I’ve felt it too at times.

 

If you’ve been listening for a while you’ll know I'm always talking about your mental checklist.

 

That little list you go through when you’re in a funk before you decide the problem is YOU and have an existential crisis. 

 

So, on mine is, what time of the month is it?  What’s going on outside my business right now? Have I drunk enough water?  What have I been eating?  Have I been boozing?  How have I been sleeping? Have I been taking my supplements?

 

But there’s one big thing we all need to actually recognise and take stock of at some point.

 

The covid exhaustion is REAL!

 

The social media exhaustion is REAL!

 

The last 18 months have been utterly bizarre and we can’t deny that. Just because some of us loved the slowing down that Covid created, doesn’t mean we weren’t in a perpetual state of some level of fight, flight or freeze stress response.

 

Our brains crave certainty.  We haven’t had a whole lot of that recently.

 

Our brain and nervous system doesn’t like change and we’ve had TONNES of it recently.

 

Increasing costs of living, not being able to get away, feeling nervous to have a break (whether you’re in a job or have your own business!) because it could impact financially.

 

We’ve lost relationships because of distance.  In some cases that may be positive, in others not so much.

 

Many of us have lost people. 

 

Many of us haven’t known what to do next or what the future holds.

 

Many of us have been way more sedentary than we would have been before.  

 

Many of us have eaten more than we would have before and have gained a few covid lbs. 

 

Many of us aren’t feeling great about ourselves going back into the big wide world.

 

Many of us are still anxious about being in the big wide world in general!

 

As much as we slowed down temporarily it has meant in many cases we’re working HARDER now. We’re on our screens more.

 

Social media became our method of connecting even MORE and that addiction is now running even DEEPER.  

 

We’re all navigating this incredibly weird time.  That’s going to take its toll!

 

On your brain, your nervous system, your energy!

 

And it’s entirely possible it might make you feel a little in a funk.

 

I was talking to Mr T about social media earlier, which kind of inspired this (Thanks Tobes!) We have a difference of opinion on social media for sure.

 

He’s VERY anti all of it. Which makes sense because one of his core values is connection but to WHERE and WHEN you are. I see social media as connection, he sees it as the death of it.  

 

We’re probably both right and both wrong.

 

It’s no secret that I can’t stand Facey B.  I’m only on there for my paid for programmes, in and out, serious discipline not to scroll but I see things sometimes and so much of it hurts my heart.

 

I feel people’s anger.  I feel people’s fear.  I see the bad behaviour that comes from those things.  It’s toxic in my eyes. 

 

But I enjoy instagram. I know it has it’s dark corners for sure, particularly for the younger generation but I find it very easy to curate what I want to see.  So I have fun there and can see it as a force for good, if that’s what you choose to make it.

 

But he’s definitely right in that people are spending way more time on social media, amplified by Covid I imagine.

 

We’re in there comparing ourselves.  Looking for external validation.  Getting lost in mindless scroll holes.

 

Facey B, Whatsapp and Insta went offline for an evening and I saw so many people panic.  Or talk about how they used the time, on a Monday evening, to work distraction free.

 

Something just doesn’t sit right here, no?!

 

Are you ever taking the time to actually allow yourself to switch off?

 

There’s no denying we are addicted to social media, they know that, we know that. I catch myself in it too. 

 

We have to find some self discipline and awareness to listen to what our mind and our body needs.

 

I can’t bang on about this enough.

 

Even if you’re working like a dog, how can you get some balance somewhere?

 

Mr T and I last weekend literally planned to do NOTHING and it was so needed and glorious. It’s so easy to just work, work, work.

 

Especially if you enjoy what you do.

 

On top of all this people are beating themselves up for being in a funk!

 

But people are exhausted and it’s no surprise why!

 

How can you break out of the cycle?

 

What could you do to even make a 1% difference. 

 

Is that time outside, connecting with someone in person, who can help you get what you need.  It’s very easy to say ‘I can’t’ but how about reframing that to ‘how can I’ and check in with yourself to see if that ‘can’t’ is really true.  It might be!  But it’s worth checking right?!

 

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How Do You Handle Pressure?

lundi 11 octobre 2021 • Duration 10:07

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How Do You Handle Pressure?

 

How do you handle pressure?  This is actually a big question because most of us don’t really know and there can be some big clues in there around how we self sabotage and why.

 

There’s a couple of ways to look at this.  

 

What behaviours do you exhibit when you’re under pressure?  

 

And how much of that pressure is self imposed and why?

 

So let’s start with the behaviour piece of the puzzle because that’s what started me wanting to do this episode.

 

You know I love calling out certain behaviours and trying to reframe it for the people on the receiving end but also make the people doing it maybe think twice next time!

 

I put a lot of the unkind, underhand, douchey behaviour that you unfortunately see some people do, whether this is in business or at work, as a direct reaction to pressure.  

 

An ego response. Think of it as an I will harm to avoid being harmed vibe.

 

I will lash out to protect myself first.

 

I will make someone else look bad to make myself feel better. Notice the distinction between look and feel there...it certainly never makes anyone LOOK better!

 

As an example, you’re feeling the pressure on a launch, or to hit a certain level of revenue, so you might go steal someone’s clients, or badmouth them to others.  I call it trying to stand on someone else’s head to make yourself taller.

 

Unfortunately it happens a lot.  Which makes me super sad.  

 

Thankfully I haven’t heard of it happening to me yet (that’s not an invitation thank you...plus you know i’d just call it out as your drama not mine ha!) but I see it happen to my friends all the time and I've also been on the receiving end of people bad mouthing others too.  Does nothing for the vibe and you’re just left thinking….geeez if they’re saying that about them what might they say about me!

 

There’s lots of ways and different strategies that we use to handle pressure but we need to look at them for what they really are, which is internal protection mechanisms.  Adaptive responses from childhood or our early experiences. 

 

This is one of the reasons I often liken the online business world to school.  It really is wounded inner child stuff being played out on the internet everywhere you look!  It’s behaviour we might have used at school and sometimes it’s as if we haven’t learned. 

 

For some people the adaptive response might be to hide and avoid or numb out, some it might be to stand on someone else’s head to make themselves taller, it might be to pile on MORE work thus reinforcing the idea that perhaps you’re not good enough by creating yourself a near impossible situation where you’re juggling too many plates.

 

I can be very guilty of that one because I've learned I can handle a LOT so I’ll keep taking more on and I need to be aware of it and catch myself in it.  

 

Hence why I have 8 qualifications, a full rebrand and website build, app build and launch, 6 month mentorship programme launch with 2 other people...i’ll tell you more about that soon, 3 new presentations to create and trying to get the positive pants planner sorted...all happening at the same time.  Because I know I can handle it.  Doesn’t mean I should.  But it DOES mean I have to balance that with some serious rest and relaxation. I can do that because i’m aware.  I have choice and agency. That makes a very big difference.

 

So what are your strategies.  No judgement.  Just curiosity. How do you handle pressure?

 

It’s worth noting that It can also sometimes feel as if the lack of pressure itself,  causes pressure. 

 

Which leads me onto the next point.  Pressure itself as a self sabotage strategy. 

 

We can be addicted to chaos.  

 

We also may have been rewarded by putting pressure on ourselves when we were younger, think back to exams and revision.  Did you cram at the last minute and work your butt off and get good grades and therefore praise from your caregivers?  Did you make a connection that the way to get results was to work that way?

 

We might have piled the pressure on and it all worked out great, thus reinforcing that as something to be repeated into adulthood.

 

It may be that there’s an unconscious belief that if we’re NOT busy and under pressure then it means we aren’t successful, or people might THINK we’re not successful, and therefore not good enough, and therefore unworthy of love.

 

Phewf! 

 

We do like to go to some deep places in our unconscious programmes don’t we.

 

If we don’t cach ourselves in these patterns of behaviour...ooooh we can get ourselves in a pickle.

 

We can reach burnout.

 

It might backfire and then the very thing we feared (not being liked) becomes reality because we’ve been caught out in bad behaviour.  

 

Pressure may show up as perfectionism.  Comparison. Overworking. Avoiding. Dissociating from our feelings. 

 

What do you notice?

 

How do you recognise pressure in your body?

 

Alternatively it’s worth noticing how you feel when you’re NOT under pressure.  What does that look like for you?  Are you able to relax?  Or does it make you feel twitchy and anxious?

 

The important thing is to create the initial awareness. You can’t do anything about a pattern you aren’t aware of. 

 

Start to notice what you do when you’re under pressure.  Do you create the pressure yourself?  Is someone else creating it?

 

When do you remember first feeling pressure?  Can you think of a time in your life when you didn’t?

 

What might the pressure itself, or the behaviour be allowing you to avoid?

 

What does it make you want to do?

 

What DO you do?

 

Think to yourself, what am I protecting myself from right now?

 

It may not seem like it’s that important but the ramifications for not figuring this stuff out can be BIG.  Personally and professionally. 

 

Having curiosity and awareness means you can do something about it and create a different outcome. 

 

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How Do YOU Get Validation?

lundi 4 octobre 2021 • Duration 11:27

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How Do YOU Get Validation?

 

How do you get validation?  What are your markers for feeling validated?

 

The reason I want to talk about this today is because it’s something I talk about ALL the time with private clients and my friends in the industry.  I haven’t had a rant about it on here for a while.

 

I’m so tired of the completely random and quite frankly ridiculous metrics that have been plucked out of the air for business owners.

 

Ohhhhh yes i’m talking about the ‘£10k months’ and the need to label yourself by your income.

 

Urgh.

 

Why does it incense me so?

 

Because it causes people to feel less than.  Not just before they’ve hit six figures, but at every step of the way!

 

So you feel not good enough before you make six figures.  Then for a minute you get to say ‘yeay i’m a six figure business owner!’

 

Then what happens?

 

You STILL compare to the next level and feel not good enough until you get THERE!

 

Then it’s the ‘oh, but i’m not a multi six figure business owner’. And of course you can’t be happy until you get there.

 

Then what?

 

‘Oh but I'm not a seven figure business owner.’  So you’re not happy until you get there!  Then onto the multi seven figures and the cycle continues.

 

When does it stop?

 

It doesn’t...unless you get a hold of this unconscious pattern of validating yourself by what you earn and remind yourself that metric didn’t come from you in the first place.

 

I would LOVE to find the person who picked these numbers out of the air and give them a good shake.

 

You are valid whether you make an extra £5k per year from a side hustle or you’re at multiple seven figures.

 

You’re doing hard things.  You did something yourself, and someone paid you for it.  THAT’S AMAZING!

 

If we all stay in this cycle of not feeling good enough until we hit certain milestones you’re never going to live a happy and fulfilled life.

 

You need to let go of other people’s ‘stuff’ and work from your OWN success metrics!

 

The amount of people I’ve spoken to who are earning around £20-30k and are crying because they feel so awful about that is not ok.

 

Let me put this into perspective...you went and started a business, by yourself, and grew it to a place that a huge amount of the population aren’t earning in a job.

 

You get to feel AMAZING about that because it IS amazing!  This stuff is HARD!

 

The fact that people will feel anything short of amazing because they’ve earned £99,999 is also bonkers to me! 

 

Would you be earning that in a job right now?  Would you have been earning that in your previous profession?

 

You might have...but the likely answer is no.  And if you would have I would like to add in, did you make your own schedule?  Did you get to work from home around your family?

 

We have to stop the madness. 

 

For me my success metrics are can I rest when I need to?  Can I work when I want to?  Can I work the hours I want to?  Can I work where I want to?  Do I have flexibility?  Can I work only a few days per week?  Can I switch up my schedule when I want to?  Am I doing something I love?  Can I look after my own wellbeing?  Can I spend time with the people I want to?

 

Of COURSE the money is nice.  There’s no denying that.  But you have to look at the bigger picture.

 

But I also validate myself.  I don’t allow other people to do that.  If they want to, that's up to them and none of my business. 

 

I validate myself by living by my values.  By always trying to be a good person.  Being kind. Being empathetic. By being human. 

 

You have to understand this random metric for success isn’t real.

 

There are plenty of people who might look down on people who aren’t making six figures yet.  That’s unfortunate.  But I promise you, if you’re listening to this...those people are not your people.  Those people are A holes. 

 

Would people behave like that in salaried jobs?  Probably not...it’s way more taboo to talk about money in that way.  But those people might validate themselves by their job title too. 

 

It’s all about hierarchy….but no one gets to tell you where you ‘rank’.

 

Ask yourself what happens when you hit the magic six figures or £10k months?

 

What actually happens?

 

Do you get let into some sort of club?

 

Are you automatically accepted into the cool kids gang?

 

What changes in your personality?

 

What changes in terms of how you see yourself?

 

Will you automatically feel successful?  Good enough?

 

The work needs to be around how you see yourself.  Not how you’re allowing external things to validate you and your worth.

 

You’re worthy at any level.  You deserve happiness at any level.  You can find it at any level.

 

So my question for you is can you recognise how far you’ve come?  Can you allow yourself to objectively take a step back?

 

It’s so easy to get caught up in the hype. Don’t allow other people to tell you you aren’t valuable until you hit some made up level of success.

 

What is success to you?

 

What does it actually look like?

 

Why do you have the financial goals you have?  If you hadn’t heard it peddled to you constantly in the online space, would that still be your goal?

 

It’s great to strive for things.  It’s great to know what’s possible.  

 

But it’s not ok to shame yourself until you get there.

 

And also recognising that sometimes not having it can actually be a choice!

 

As an example, you can know that a seven figure business is absolutely possible for you.  But is it what you want based on what you want your life to look like?

 

At the end of the day you’ll sabotage yourself anyway trying to get to a goal that really, unconsciously, you don’t want...but the funny thing we so often do is beat ourselves up for not being there...even though we actually don’t want to be!

 

So please, grab your journal and really think about why you want that goal.  What are you making it mean if you get it, what are you making it mean if you don’t.

 

Can you allow yourself to enjoy the journey and celebrate all the beautiful milestones along the way?  Knowing you’re working towards something that is totally possible for you, but you’re doing it around your life, your values, your rules and not being there yet does not validate you.  

 

You get to want whatever goals you want.  No one else gets to judge them as less than.  No one else gets to judge them at all, they’re yours! 

 

Keep going, but enjoy the journey. 

 

Fx

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