ON BOYS Podcast – Details, episodes & analysis

What happens when we prioritize independence over connection? According to Dr. Niobe Way, a developmental psychologist and author of Rebels with a Cause: Reimagining Boys, Ourselves, & Our Future, it creates a “boy culture” that isolates boys and diminishes their relational skills.

Dr. Way has spent 40 years studying boys and uncovering the challenges they face as they navigate societal expectations of strength, autonomy, and self-reliance. Her research shows that these cultural messages undermine boys’ natural relational intelligence and hinder their ability to build and sustain deep friendships.

In this episode, Dr. Way dives into the critical role of relationships in mental health and human flourishing—not just for boys, but for all of us. She explains how cultural norms, rather than biology, shape male behavior and outlines practical steps parents and educators can take to nurture boys’ emotional and relational capacities.

Dr. Way also shares powerful insights from her research, including the wisdom of a 7th-grade boy who noted, “When we make things biology, we think we can’t change it.” This episode is a call to rethink how we support boys—and ourselves—in building the connections we all need to thrive.

Takeaways:

• The stereotype of the self-sufficient man is damaging not only to boys but to society as a whole.
• Boys are born with the same relational intelligence as girls, but cultural conditioning suppresses it over time.
• To support boys, we need to normalize conversations about relationships and model emotional vulnerability.
• Fostering deep connections can improve mental health and combat harmful cultural narratives about masculinity.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

www.niobe-way.com

Rebels with a Cause: Reimagining Boys, Ourselves, & Our Future, by Dr. Niobe Way

Deep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships & The Crisis of Connection, by Dr. Niobe Way

Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World, by (U.S. Surgeon General) Vivek Murthy

Pink Brain, Blue Brain: How Small Differences Grow Into Troublesome Gaps – and What We Can Do About It, by Dr. Lise Eliot

When Boys Become Boys: Development, Relationships, and Masculinity, by Judy Chu

The Listening Project

Dr. Friendtastic on Boys & Friendship — ON BOYS episode

Why Now is the Best Time to Raise Boys (w Michael Reichert) — ON BOYS episode

 

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Play is a powerful tool for parenting & child development.

Mr. Rogers once said “Play is serious learning” and “the work of childhood,” and we and our guest, Georgie Wisen-Vincent, couldn’t agree more.

That’s not to say or imply that play is serious or work in the way that most of adults think of “serious” or “work.” Rather, it’s to underscore the fact that play — as fun as it can be! — is not a frivolity. It’s not trivial or unimportant at all. In fact, it’s absolutely vital for health human development.

“Play is essential for long-term success,” Georgie says. Yet no one really teaches parents how to engage in & support their children’s play. In this episode, we share some fun, easy strategies you can use to play with your kids.

Takeaways:

• Short moments of play can have significant developmental benefits.
• Involving children in household tasks can be a form of play.
• Play helps build emotional connections and communication skills.
• Using play can make daily routines more enjoyable for families.
• Children learn empathy and social skills through play. Repetition in play is crucial for neural development.
• Children often express emotions through playful scenarios.
• Pretend play allows children to process aggression safely.
• Joining children in play can ease transitions from screens.
• Nature provides a nurturing environment for play.
• Incorporating play into daily life strengthens family bonds.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

The Way of Play: Using Little Moments of Big Connection to Raise Calm, Confident Kids, by Tina Payne Bryson and Georgie Wisen-Vincent 

The Center for Connection

PlayStrong Institute

Teacher Tom on Connections & Play-Based Learning – ON BOYS episode

Gun Play & Boys – ON BOYS episode

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Puberty, perimenopause, and neurodivergence affects brains and bodies.

And in two or more of those things are going on in our household at the same time…well, things can get particularly challenging, says Amy Lang, founder of Birds & Bees & Kids.

Amy & Janet discuss it all in this ON BOYS episode

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

The 3 Key Things Your Neurodivergent Boy Needs to Know about Sex (and 3 Things You Need to Know) 

Peri-menopause & Puberty: The Match Made in Heck – Get tickets here

Tue Nov 19, 2024 7:00 PM – 8:00 PM PST

Birds & Bees & Kids — Amy’s website

Resources recommended by Amy:

You Know, Sex: Bodies, Gender, Puberty, And Other Things

Sex Talks With Tweens: What To Say & How To Say It

Amaze.org/us

BARK (inside US)

Qustodio (monitoring outside US)

Sex Ed for Neurodiverse Kids  – ON BOYS episode w Amy Lang

Keeping Boys Safe Online (w Amy Lang) — ON BOYS episode

Talk to Boys About Sex (w Amy Lang) — ON BOYS episode

Puberty, Perimenopause, & Midlife Parenting — ON BOYS episode

Breakthrough Session for Family Coaching

Schedule your no-cost call with Janet at https://boysalive.com/call

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Parental accommodation can limit the skill development of kids with (and without) ADHD. 

Many boys with ADHD or other executive function challenges struggle despite diagnosis, treatment, and well-intended help — in part because they and their family have received less-than-stellar advice and support. And because loving families often unwittingly accommodate (and reinforce) undesirable behavior.

“Most families of children with ADHD are unintentionally misled when they receive a diagnosis,” says Ryan Wexelblatt, aka ADHD Dude. “They’re not provided with comprehensive information about what ADHD is, and they’re also directed to treatments with are not recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics.”

Parenting training is recommended as a first step for kids ages 6 and younger — and parent training should be delivered in conjunction with medication management and, if necessary, school support for kids older than age 6. Parent/child interactions are foundational to helping a child develop executive functioning skills.

Parental Accommodation Cycle

Unfortunately, parents sometimes unintentionally reinforce the inflexibility and anxiety that’s common in kids with ADHD and executive function challenges.

“Parental accommodation is when parents change their behavior to alleviate or avoid their child’s temporary distress,” Ryan says. It’s often done out of love — and fear. Doing so may avoid some conflict, but it allows unhelpful behaviors to continue.

Although sparing your child pain and discomfort may seem like a kind, compassionate thing to do, you may be robbing your child of the opportunity to develop self-confidence and resilience. In fact, there’s a relationship between parental accommodation and “failure to launch,” which occurs when young people do not take on adult roles or increasing responsibility.

But over-protection and accommodation have almost become societal norms.It’s difficult to push back against cultural pressure and parent differently than others. Many of us are also afraid of harming our kids.

“There’s so much fear, from parents, that they’re going to somehow damage their child by putting expectations on them or requiring them to persevere through temporary discomfort,” Ryan says. “Children are not fragile. But when you treat them as if they are fragile, they receive the message that they are fragile.”

Breaking the Parental Accommodation Cycle

You can break this unhelpful cycle by asking yourself, What am I doing for my child that they could be doing alone? Your child might not yet have the skills to do the task independently, but when you identify what they could be doing, you can begin teaching them the necessary skills and gradually release responsibility.

Don’t get sucked into the “negotiation vortex.” Don’t give an audience to negative behavior or maltreatment Reinforce (and praise) positive behaviors. And enlist supportive individuals who can help you and your child.

Things may be rough when you first stop accommodating your child. But eventually, home life (and your relationship)will become more peaceful. Your child will also be more capable — and confident.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Ryan discuss:

• Common misunderstandings about ADHD and executive function
• Recommended, evidence-based treatments for ADHD
• Parental accommodation
• Accommodation vs. support
• Young adults’ “failure to launch”
• Scaffolding new skills
• Breaking the parental accommodation cycle
• Learning to tolerate your child’s temporary discomfort
• Enlisting to support to develop your child’s skills
• Constructive vs. destructive shame

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

ADHD Dude — the online home of Ryan’s ADHD work

ADHD Dude YouTube channel

ADHD with Ryan Wexelblatt the ADHD Dude — ON BOYS episode

Teaching Boys Social Skills –– our first ON BOYS episode w Ryan!

It’s a Confusing Time to Be a Boy — another ON BOYS episode featuring Ryan

Constant Chaos Parenting with ADHD — ON BOYS episode

Helping Boys with Executive Function Challenges –– ON BOYS episode

Nurtured Heart Institute — learn more about the Nurtured Heart approach mentioned by Ryan

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Whole child sports emphasizes wholesome, safe, and developmentally appropriate athletic experiences for kids. It is the antithesis of the toxic, highly competitive youth sports culture that’s unfortunately become the norm here in the United States.

Scott Lancaster, a sports performance coach who worked with the NFL; Luis Fernando Llosa, an investigative reporter who’s worked with Sports Illustrated; and Kim John Payne, founder of Simplicity Parenting, started Whole Child Sports in 2011 to offer parents and coaches guidance, tips, and tools to help raise and develop happier, healthier, more well-rounded athletes who will sustain a lifetime passion for active play and fitness. The three men — all fathers — were distressed by what they saw happening in youth sports: an increased focus on competition (even at young ages), developmentally inappropriate expectations for children, and young athletes who burned out before graduating high school.

At their worst, youth sports can be fatal.

A Healthy Approach to Youth Sports

In current youth sport culture, the emphasis is on winning, rather than the development of the athlete and team. That focus tends to overlook mental health and individual variations and is damaging to kids and society.

“Command-oriented coaching” — the common approach to youth sports — “kills flexibility and self-development and retards creativity and the development of resilience,” Lancaster says. “Ultimately, one of the worst things you can do to a kid developmentally is force them to play a sport like an adult professional athlete does.”

A much better, safer, healthier approach to sport is one that allows children to gradually develop skills through play. 

“Don’t funnel your kid into organized sport at an early age,” Llosa says. “It will curtail their creativity, damage their potential resilience, hamper them in developing social skills, and perhaps create entitlement monsters.”

It’s not easy to push back against the dominant sports culture, but doing so can preserve your child’s physical and mental health — and, ultimately, his athletic ability. You can start at home, or at local park.

“You are your child’s first coach,” Lancaster says. “You’re the steward of your child’s athletic development and you’re responsible for choosing the appropriate coach, one who is dedicated to helping kids grow and learn.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, Luis Fernando, & Scott discuss:

• Role of sports in boys’ lives
• Harms of current youth sports culture
• Choosing the right sport for your child
• How sports can help boys develop empathy
• What actions sports gets right (and team sports often get wrong)
• Value of multiple sports vs. sports specialization
• Developmentally appropriate sports education

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

WholeChildSports.com – includes a Parent/Coach Toolkit with lots of great free resources (such as Choosing a Coach: A Parent’s Checklist)

Beyond Winning: Smart Parenting in a Toxic Sports Environment, by Kim John Payne, Luis Fernando Llosa, & Scott Lancaster

Simplicity Parenting with Kim John Payne — ON BOYS episode

Linda Flanagan: Youth Sports are Out of Control — ON BOYS episode

Healthy Sports Parenting — ON BOYS episode

Sins of the Father — Sports Illustrated story by Llosa

Emotionally Resilient Tweens & Teens: Empowering Your Kids to Navigate Bullying, Teasing, and Social Exclusion, by Kim John Payne & Luis Fernando Llosa

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Lads need dads, says Sonia Shaljean, director of the UK-based organization Lads Need Dads, one of the only projects in the country working to proactively address the impact of the absent father on boys aged 11-15.

Many boys with absent or uninvolved fathers, of course, turn out perfectly okay. But many don’t. Sonia pivoted to this work after noticing, through a long career in criminal justice, domestic abuse, anger management, and homelessness, that males who didn’t grow up with involved fathers (or father figures) are over-represented in each of those areas. Lads Need Dads was created to support young men (and their mothers) “who, through no fault of their own” are experiencing fatherlessness, she says.

The success of their program proves that deliberately and intentionally meeting the needs of boys improves outcomes. Boys develop a sense of confidence and competence. Their relationships with their mothers (and others) improve. They contribute to the community.

Emphasizing the Importance of Dads

“Getting people to recognize that this is a need — that boys can be impacted very negatively without a positive father figure,” is a tough message to sell in a society that’s focused on women’s empowerment and glosses over the need for men, Sonia says. “The thinking is that, ‘we don’t need a man to provide for us anymore.”

But dads’ value to their families — to society — goes far beyond economic provision. Boys need male influence in their lives, particularly during the adolescent years. Even if they have an involved, dedicated mom (or moms).

Advocating for Boys & Men

Despite the fact that boys & men tend to do significantly worse in schools and life than girls and women, there are few organizations focused on boys’ and men’s issues.

“There’s an apathy when it comes to men’s issues,” Sonia says. That needs to change. “Boys need to be supported and seen as the vulnerable gender that they actually are because we are currently failing them badly. If we want our boys to treat other people better, they need to know that they’re valued. We need to treat them better. They need to feel cared for and loved for who they are, not just because they’re going to come into contact with girls and therefore they should be better behaved. Let’s help our young men for the sake of themselves – not just because of how they may impact females.”

In this episode, Janet, & Sonia discuss:

• How fatherlessness affects boys
• Helps moms accept boys’ need to experience risk
• The importance of male connection and mentorship for boys
• Protective factors that can help boys thrive despite father absence
• The Men & Boys Coalition
• Increasing boys’ emotional intelligence
• 
  

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

LadsNeedDads.org

Tips for Single Moms Raising Boys — BuildingBoys post

Here’s How to Motivate Teenage Boys: Encourage Risk-Taking — Your Teen article by Jen

Men & Boys Coalition

Dads Matter (w Marion Hill) — ON BOYS episode

Dads, Boys, & Masculinity — ON BOYS episode

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Teen boys mystify (and frustrate) their parents. Especially their moms.

But there’s a lot going on behind and beneath that sometimes stony exterior. Teen boys are not devoid of emotions; in fact, they devote a lot of time and attention to managing and controlling their emotions. They may not show their emotions as freely as they did when they were younger, but, sadly, that’s often because they’ve learned their emotions aren’t welcome.

According to Brendan Kwiatkowski, PhD, a researcher who studies boys’ emotions, experiences, and masculinities, the #1 reason why teen boys restrict emotion (& emotional expression) is because “they don’t want to burden other people.”

The #2 reason is “fear of judgment.”

Why Teen Boys Retrict Emotion

Teen boys “assume most people don’t want to hear about their negative emotions,” Brendan says.

Stress and trauma can also affect boys’ ability to process and express emotion.

Teenage boys’ refusal (or inability) to express their emotions is usually “not selfish,” Brendan says, but rather, an “act of care.”

Helping Boys Express Emotion

A boy’s ability to express emotion is affected, in part, by his parents’ ability to tolerate his distress.

If he knows that his anger, sadness, or frustration upsets your equilibrium, he’s more likely to stifle his emotion. If he knows that you’ll respond with calm compassion, he’s more likely to open up and honeslty share his feelings and experiences.

Don’t fret, though, if you don’t always respond calmly or compassionately. According to Dr. Becky, clincical psychologist & founder of Good Inside, parents can miss the mark 70% of the time and still raise great, well-adjusted children, especially if they apologize and make things right when they’ve gone off the rails.

Getting Teen Boys to Talk

According to Brendan’s research, teenage boys are most comfortable opening up to women — typically, their girlfriends or moms — because they believe that females are good listeners and less likely to judge them.

Modeling authenticity and vulnerabilty also helps boys (and all humans) open up.

“I never would expect a teenage boy to be honest with me if I’m not demonstrating that myself,” Brendan says. “Being a boy or man is full of contradictions and tensions, and acknowledging those is such as important way to help the dialogue.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Brendan discuss:

• Teen boys’ emotion
• Factors that affect boys’ emotional expression
• Helping boys open up
• Emotional safe havens
• Normalizing emotions
• Helping boys understand anger
• Holding boys responsible
• What teen boys think about Andrew Tate
• Talking about controversial topics

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

remasculine.com — Brendan’s website

Re: Masculine — Brenda’s album about masculinity

Hold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Matter More Than Peers, by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate — book recommended by Brendan

What You Need to Know About Boys & Suicide (w Katey McPherson) — ON BOYS episode

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Damon Brown is a journalist, author, entrepreneur, and primary caregiver for his two young sons, ages 6 and 9. But from his earliest days of parenting, people assumed he was simply “helping” his wife. 

“I’d put on the Baby Bjorn and walk to the grocery story and hear ‘Oh, is it Daddy day?’ or ‘Are you taking over for Mom while she’s resting?'” Damon says. “And there’s a whole ‘nother layer to to it being African-American.” (Including backhanded compliments about “sticking around” to raise his children.)

Modeling Emotional Honesty

Damon describes himself as an emotionally honest person; he’ll tell you when he’s overwhelmed, upset, or happy. As a dad, he now realizes that emotional honesty is “one of the biggest gifts that I’m giving my boys.” Simultaneously, he reminds us that we must learn to accept emotional honesty from males.

How a Tech-Savvy Dad (who wrote for Playboy) Talks about Screen Time & Sex

Damon brings some advantages to parenting boys: Unlike many modern parents, he’s tech- and culture-savvy. In 2008, he wrote Porn & Pong: How Grand Theft Auto, Tomb Raider, & Other Sexy Games Changed Our Culture, a book that examined the impact of video games and porn on popular culture. He even co-founded an intimacy app, Cuddlr (way back in 2014!).

Damon says he’s handling his sons’ exposure to technology “very carefully.” He knows, from personal experience, that simply setting borders and boundaries isn’t effective. “It’s not just a matter of saying, ‘don’t do this,'” Damon says. “It’s more, ‘If you’re going to tread in these territories, these are the mile makers and this is the compass.'”

He talks to his boys about intimacy and boundaries — not only “this is what a boundary is” and “respect the boundaries of other people,” but also “respect the boundaries of yourself.” Boys too rarely hear that last part; they need to know that it’s okay to not want sexual or intimate contact (and that they have the right and responsibility to say no. Too often, people who are raising boys forget to emphasize that point.

Helping Boys Understand Independence

Boys (and men) today still feel a lot of pressure to be independent. At age 9, Damon’s oldest son has already unconsciously internalized the idea that guys should be self-reliant — so when he got stuck on his homework, he simply stopped doing it.

Damon corrected his son’s mis-interpretation of indepence. “Independence,” he told the boy, “is getting the support you need to create the life that you want.”

In the moment, the child was unimpressed. But Damon knows his son will eventually need to ask for help, so he’s talking about independence and help-seeking now. Raising boys is a long game.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Damon discuss:

• How our family experiences affect our parenting
• Cultural & societal expectations of dads
• Emotional honesty
• Generational growth
• Screentime, technology, & intimacy
• Teaching boys about boundaries, consent, intimacy, & independence
• 
  

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

damonbrown.net — Damon’s website

Porn & Pong: How Grand Theft Auto, Tomb Raider, & Other Sexy Games Changed Our Culture, by Damon Brown

Dads Need Therapy; Black Dads Aren’t Getting It — Yahoo article by Damon

Why You Should Strive for Good Enough — one of Damon’s TED talks

#BringYourWorth — Damon’s YouTube TV show

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How do you support sibling relationships and build brother-sister bonds? Or connect with a tween son?

Photo by Beatnik Photos via Flickr

Those are just a few of the questions Jen & Janet tackle in 2023’s first listener Q & A.

Matthew says:

We have 3 boys (15, 17, & 19) and 3 girls (2, 9, & 13)…our boys are incredibly close, practically best friends, and our girls are similar. What can we do to bring the groups closer together? We have tried divide and conquer (mixing who runs errands with us and such), game nights, movie nights, outings…The girls are always more receptive, but the boys act like they’ve been plague-ridden to have to tolerate their sisters for more than a mealtime…

Cheslea asks:

What suggestions do you have for common interests with your boys? It feels like we have almost nothing in common…

Britney wonders:

Is it normal for the teen boy to push moms away during this time and cling to dads? 

while another Britney and Susan ask:

 Why is he such a butt head? Why do they know everything at the age of 16?!

Karon asks:

What steps should I take to monitor my 13-year-old’s online gaming?..I’d love tips/advice on keeping his gaming time in check.

Kate wants to know:

How can a 7 yr old have so much anger and attitude?

Our answers to their questions might give you some insight into your own parenting challenges.

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:

• Supporting sibling relationships
• Building brother-sister bonds
• How time solves many parenting problems
• Connecting w a tween son (whose interests differ from yours)
• Mother/son (and father/son) relationships during adolescence
• Self-care during your son’s teen years
• Monitoring online gaming
• Boys & anger
• Teen boys
• The importance of connection, community, and mentors for parents of boys

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Sibling Stress: How to Handle Bickering, Fighting, & More — ON BOYS episode

Why You Need to Stop Focusing on Your Boys’ Bickering — BuildingBoys blog post

Why Are Video Games So Important to Boys? — ON BOYS episode

Video Game Addiction — ON BOYS episode

Anger & Boys — ON BOYS episode

The Truth About Parenting Teen Boys — BuildingBoys’ most popular post

Moms Need Mentors Too — BuildingBoys blog post

Why Boys Moms Need Mentors Too — ON BOYS episode

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Need help with your boys?

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Simplicity parenting, in many ways, is the antithesis of modern parenting. 

Simplicity parenting prioritizes a balanced schedule, predictable rhythm, and decluttered, information-filtered family environment, while most modern families rush from one activity to the next and live with crammed-full schedules in an information-soaked environment.

Kim John Payne, author of Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids, was an undergrad psychology student when he first noticed striking similarities in the behavior of PTSD-affected soldiers, teenagers who grew up in abusive homes, and children who lived in warzones. “They were nervous, jumpy, hyperactive, and overstretched,” Payne says. Their nervous systems were hyperactive and hyper-attuned to the environment.

In a few years, Payne began noticing similar behavior in children all over and surmised that there must be an “undeclared war on childhood,” as the kids exhibited all the signs of living in a war zone. But there were no battle lines, fronts, or bomb craters. Instead, these kids (and their families) lived quite ordinary lives. However, by that time, “overwhelmed family life had become the new normal.” And that new normal was not at all kid-friendly.

“It became more and more obvious that children, and especially boys, were living in a child-hostile environment,” he says. As a result, kids’ nervous systems were “out of whack” and many kids were (and are) in a near-constant state of fight-flight-freeze-or-flock. Kids (and boys especially) often reacted “as if their lives depended on it,” when they were asked to do something as simple as putting a coat on.

Simplicity is the Antidote to Overwhelm

The antidote to constant overwhelm is simple, Payne says. It’s simplicity.

He advises parents to “dial back” and simplify their lives, and the results have been remarkable.

“I can’t tell you how many parents have said, ‘I feel like I’ve gotten my boy back.'” Payne says. Many parents also notice that their boys are back to their “quirky selves.”

It’s not easy, however, to push back against the status quo. “The difficulty comes when we look around our neighborhoods,” Payne says. “There are so many parents that have normalized what is not normal for a child’s nervous system.” But deliberately simplifying your lives — cutting out extraneous extracurricular activities, limiting screen time and info exposure, and prioritizing play, family, and connections, can pay dividends.

“If we’ve built in time and balance in a boy’s life, and slowly built in time in nature, time with family, time with friends, that morphs into a strong inner loci” for the boy, Payne says. “As young men, they are much stronger and defined in who they are.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Kim discuss:

• The genesis of the simplicity parenting movement
• Why simplifying family life can improve boys’ behavior
• The link between “quirks,” disordered behaviors, and gifts
• How (& why) dialing back stress helps reveal boys’ gifts
• Balancing you family’s schedule
• Why delayed gratification and anticipation are good for kids
• Increasing boys’ connection to nature
• The importance of play
• Helping kids connect to “their own true north”
• How simplifying family life will prepare your son for jobs of the future
• Benefits of simplicity parenting for parents

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

SimplicityParenting.com — Kim’s website (includes links to the Simplicity Starter Kit, his podcast, and more)

Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids, by Kim John Payne

Video Game Addiction — ON BOYS episode

Richard Louv on Animals, Nature, and Boys — ON BOYS episode

Finding Ecohappiness –ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Green Chef

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3 Green Chef meal kits

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