Sarah and Alex make sense of the election results by talking about developmental stages, anti-social behavior, and oh yeah and also polyamory.

Mentioned in the episode:

• Voting patterns by income

• Thoughts vs Feelings

• Polywise

• Polysecure

• More about Kegan and “The Evolving Self” 

• Winnicott on the Psychology of Democracy

• More about Winnicott (and the ideas he stole from his wife)

• People with more privilege have less empathy

mistakescast@gmail.com * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

Logo design by roy franklin: www.whateverfactory.org

Welcome to season 4 of Mistakes Were Made! Today we're asking: How much conflict should you expect in a healthy relationship? In this episode Sarah, Jessica and Alex explore how to fight better (rather than avoiding fights altogether) by understanding our internal patterns and reaction styles. Logo design by Roy Franklin: http://whateverfactory.org.

Mentioned in the episode:

• The Waterline Model

Talk to us:

mistakescast@gmail.com * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast

Alex wants to talk about performance anxiety….and Sarah really, really doesn’t.

Mentioned in the episode:

Evergreen Hearts - Polyamory Pitfalls - Thursday May 9th, 6:30pm

Cleveland Clinic: Erectile Dysfunction

Book: The Ice Storm, by Rick Moody

Hump! 2024 National Tour Dates

Book: Come as You Are, by Emily Nagoski

"5 things you can say to someone who didn't have an org@sm" from @QueerSexTherapy on Instagram

mistakescast@gmail.com * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

Two local organizers talk about their experiences being solo poly; what they like about it, the challenges, independence, couples privilege and more. Stay tuned for the lightning round!

Mentioned in the episode:

• Puget Sound Polyamory Meetup Group
• Evergreen Hearts
• Poly Prom
• Newcomers Social
• Connections Speed Dating
• Puget Sound Polyamory
• The NY Times says solo poly is just a fancy word for dating around…lol

mistakescast@gmail.com * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

Our guest is "Manthropologist" Dr Eric FitzMedrud (okay, we made that title up, he doesn't really call himself that). We asked Dr FitzMedrud to decode Sarah and Jessica's bad dates with men, using tools from his book The Better Man: A Guide to Consent, Stronger Relationships, and Hotter Sex. 

Dr FitzMedrud, who is poly and bi, takes a compassionate approach to understanding the patterns men bring to both poly and mono relationships, and helps them unpack their violent socialization, emotional isolation, and destructive masculinity in his psychotherapy practice, his writing, and in this episode. 

To learn more, visit https://www.drericfitz.com/the-better-man/

mistakescast@gmail.com * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

Special Midnight Mini episode: Polyamory seems to have suddenly gone mainstream, with the New Yorker and New York Magazine running cover stories in the last couple months. Sarah and Alex dig into the icky feelings that came up reading these stories, and realize that it might be about uncomfortable trends that implicate them.

Mentioned in the episode: 

• The Cut, New York Magazine: A Practical Guide to Polyamory

• How did polyamory become so popular? (The New Yorker)

• American Poly, by Christopher M. Gleason

• More: A Memoir of Open Marriage by Molly Rodden Winter

More reading:

• How a polyamorous mom had a ‘big sexual adventure’ and found herself (NY Times)

• @Bimbo.Theory on Instagram

mistakescast@gmail.com * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

The leading researcher into poly dating app usage shares what works and what doesn’t in profiles, gives insights into the trends in non-traditional relationship styles around the country, and defines the dizzying jargon of poly subcultures. Listen until the end to find out what “dexting” means. 

Sign up for Riki Thompson's workshops and get a 20% discount using the code “Mistakes” 

https://rikithompson.com/#post-152 

Evergreen Hearts Lecture Series

Follow Riki on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/virtuallyriki/ 

Mentioned in the episode:

• Riki’s article on “What is a Polycule”

• Riki’s article on what we can learn from poly couples during the pandemic

• Book: The Ethical Slut

• Audiobook: Opening Up

• Most online hate targets women, says EU report

mistakescast@gmail.com * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

Should non monogamous parents be “out” to their kids? In this episode Sarah and Alex ask different parents about their approaches to sharing their relationships with their children – from secrecy, to involving secondary partners in parenting – then share mistakes they've made in balancing their feelings and dating schedules with what was developmentally appropriate for their kids.

Mentioned in the episode:

• Do Happy Parents Raise Healthier Kids?

• Fully automated Luxury Gay Space Communism

• A brief summary from Reddit: “It refers to a communist society. Full automated: production is automatic, so people can focus on whatever they want. Luxury: see above. Gay/Queer: gender and other such harmful constructs are abolished, making everybody queer/gay. Space: communist society could allow us to colonize space. Communism: communism.”

Stay in touch with us:

mistakescast@gmail.com * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

Sarah and Alex talk about the jealousy and panic that comes up when partners are on dates or trips with others, the roots of those feelings, and how rituals of connection and communication can help. Oh, and also how the film ET is a meta text for polyamory(?)

Mentioned in the episode:

• https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/s/2HFb3BywGM 
• https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/s/8SvfUvZord

"Recovery can take place only within the context of relationships; it cannot occur in isolation" --Judith Lewis Herman

"Trauma happens in relationships, so it can only be healed in relationships. Art can't provide healing. It can be cathartic and therapeutic but a relationship is a three-part journey." --Alanis Morissette

Take action to suport Palestine:

• Palestine Feminist Collective's digital action toolkit: http://bit.ly/PFCToolkit

Follow updates from Gaza:

• Palestine Academy: https://www.instagram.com/palestine.academy/
• https://www.instagram.com/wizard_bisan1/
• https://www.instagram.com/byplestia/
• https://www.instagram.com/eye.on.palestine/ 

Donate to relief efforts:

• https://www.instagram.com/healing.our.homeland/
• https://www.instagram.com/medicalaidpal/ 

Stay in touch with us:

mistakescast@gmail.com * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

Alex’s partner leaves him for monogamy, sparking a conversation about cowboy-ing, triangulation and attachment.

Mentioned in the episode:

PolyPhilia: https://www.instagram.com/polyphiliablog/

Attachment Panic, the album by Alex & Sarah’s alt country band: https://open.spotify.com/album/2zrOxbFLVA4Y4L3m9Cjamq

mistakescast@gmail.com * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

Is non-monogamy actually a sustainable lifestyle – or is it just an experiment? Sarah and Alex reflect on how the novelty of having an open marriage has worn off after three years. 

Reddit conversation re changes in non-monogamy styles over time

mistakescast@gmail.com * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

Season 2 finale! Sarah and Alex try to stump each other with research into some of the most common myths and misconceptions about non monogamy.

mistakescast@gmail.com * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

More about us:

• Bloodstar band: https://ffm.to/bloodstarattachmentpanic | [Listen to Bloodstar on Spotify] 
• Sarah’s website: https://www.sarahstuteville.com/
• Making Contact: https://www.radioproject.org/ | [Listen to Making Contact on Spotify]

Mentioned in the episode:

• Shrimpteeth survey on nonmonogamy impacts
• Shrimpteeth survey for ladies dating men
• Shrimpteeth on Instagram
• Generational attitudes toward non-monogamy
• Kinsey Institute summary of prevalence of polyamory in different groups, desire for polyamory and STI prevalence
• Jealousy’s impact in monogamous and non-monogamous relationships
• Reasons people engage in polyamory
• Here are the actual MythBusters investigating the Coke & Mentos phenomenon

Which fork should you use on a first polyamorous date? Do you have to let your partner be the little spoon all the time? We pondered these and other burning questions in the Finale episode of Season Three.

Srsly though, here's the etiquette and advice we gathered for this episode, if you don't want to listen to 80 mins of our charming banter:

1. Let your partners consent into information about your interactions with other partners (esp sexy stuff)
2. Be careful of collecting too many partners/spreading yourself too thin. 
3. Try not to over-curate yourself. Be authentically who you are and let partners meet you there.
4. Everyone is tender. Treat them as human, not just means to the experiences you want. 
5. Take responsibility for ending relationships when they aren't working anymore. Be kind but direct.
6. Be honest up front about your capacity. Talk about the parameters of the relationship early and often.
7. Make sure your partners know how 'out' as poly you are (so you don't embarass them when you run into acquaintances in public together).
8. Seek deeper connections, rather than more; the relationships that you're yearning for might be the ones that you're already in.

TikTokers we mentioned who you should follow: 

@newtononmonogamy

@polyphiliablog

mistakescast@gmail.com * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

Logo design by roy franklin: www.whateverfactory.org

Sarah and Alex talk with friends and ethical nonmonogamy role models Zack and Madeleine about maintaining a polyamorous partnership for the long haul, and making out with cute German guys.

mistakescast@gmail.com * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

Sarah and Alex talk about the lies they have told each other…and themselves. Also, the patriarchy and whatnot. 

mistakescast@gmail.com * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

Mentioned in the episode:

All about love, by bell hooks

Sarah and Alex talk to Eli--a transmasc drag performer and progressive policy wonk--about Seattle drag, Texas BBQ, coming to non-monogamy during the pandemic and how to live our "Big Blob Best Lives."

mistakescast@gmail.com * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

More from Eli:

https://www.instagram.com/sirloinseattle/ 

Mentioned in the episode:

• http://kenyonhall.org/ (All ages drag show May 12!)
• https://www.instagram.com/theboxbarseattle/?hl=en (See SirLoin May 13!)
• https://www.jeffstexasstylebbq.com/
• https://www.burnunitbarbecue.com/
• https://www.nwtxbbq.com/

We’re back! Sarah and Alex talk about race, representation, and the benefits of being the weird kid with author Kevin Patterson.

mistakescast@gmail.com * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

More from Kevin Patterson:

https://www.kevinapatterson.com/

https://unfuckyourpolyamory.com/

Love’s Not Color Blind by Kevin Patterson

For Hire series by Kevin Patterson

https://polyrolemodels.tumblr.com/ * https://www.instagram.com/polyrolemodels/ * https://www.facebook.com/polyrolemodels 

Mentioned in the episode:

Southwest Love Fest

Too Late by Bloodstar

Why do men tend to date younger women? Do all the same gender inequities play out in non-monogamy as in monogamy? Will Sarah and Alex finally figure out how to smash the patriarchy?

Part one of a series about how inequities show up in non-monogamy (we think...)

mistakescast@gmail.com * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

Mentioned in the episode:

SNL skit about parents opening their marriage: https://youtu.be/UWhiR8mjZSQ

Leonardo DiCaprio & Eden Polani vs. Pedro Pascal & Bella Ramsey age gap: https://twitter.com/parasocialyte/status/1622819634478039040?s=20

Age difference between James Bond and the female lead: https://www.reddit.com/r/dataisbeautiful/comments/24w0lu/age_differences_between_james_bond_and_the_female/

63% of men in their 20s are single, vs 34% of women: https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2023/02/08/for-valentines-day-5-facts-about-single-americans/ft_2023-02-08_facts-single-americans_01/

The Guardian picks apart the conservative handwringing about lonely young men: https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2023/feb/25/young-men-relationships-study-week-in-patriarchy

Median age at first marriage is 30 for men, 28 for women. Similar gap going back to the 1950s: https://www.census.gov/content/dam/Census/library/visualizations/time-series/demo/families-and-households/ms-2.pdf

Let’s talk about sex (or die trying)! Sarah and Alex finally attempt to actually discuss sexual dynamics in non-monogamy without laughing or crying.

mistakescast@gmail.com * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

An actually useful explanation of how to play the three minute game (since ours went so sideways): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_KCzpNBNbVM&t=80s

Or download the pamphlet here: https://bettymartin.org/download-wheel/

Betty Martin explains the “Wheel of Consent” and more (she’s very cool): https://bettymartin.org/ 

BDSM "What Kind of Sexual Deviant Are You?" test: https://bdsmtest.org/select-mode 

Real life unicorn Cassidy joins the show to talk about the joys and complications of three way relationships, and the importance of L shaped couches.

mistakescast@gmail.com * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

Meeting people – especially ENM/poly folks – is easier than ever thanks to dating apps. So why do we hate them so much? 

Sarah, Alex and Jessica swap embarrassing app stories, dig into the dirty secrets of the online dating industry, and give advice for successufl technology assisted non-monogamy. 

mistakescast@gmail.com * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/ 

Stats we quoted wrong:

Modern Romance - Aziz Ansari cited a study from 1932 that 40% of people getting married lives less than 20 blocks from their future spouse. https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-35535424

The barn star isn’t actually a swinger symbol: https://www.distractify.com/p/metal-star-on-house-meaning

But pampas grass and pineapples are: https://www.swinger-symbol.com/blog/secret-swinger-signs-and-symbols

Similar levels of satisfaction reported in arrange marriages and “free-choice” marriages: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-science-love/201208/arranged-vs-love-based-marriages-in-the-us-how-different-are-they

Hinge is the dating app “Designed to be deleted”

When non-monogamous couples fight, going back to monogamy can feel like an easy solution. But Sarah and Alex discover that there’s a core conflict in their relationship that’s illuminated by dating others, but isn't caused by it.

mistakescast@gmail.com * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

A weekend retreat with a friend reminds Sarah that non-monogamy isn't just about sex.

Opening/closing quote from Kai Cheng Thom: https://kaichengthom.com/

Ban on co-living: https://www.kansascity.com/news/local/article260770552.html

It's your friends who break your heart: https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2022/03/why-we-lose-friends-aging-happiness/621305/

https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/  

mistakescast@gmail.com

This episode was originally released on May 29, 2022.

Romance: what does it mean?? Sarah, Alex and Jess talk about their favorite romantic movies on the hottest day of the year. And finally answer the question: what IS romance? Or, do they just come up with 5,000 new questions? Listen to the end to find out!

Mentioned in the episode:

• Say Anything (Cameron Crowe, 1989)

• The Graduate (Mike Nichols, 1967)

• Wayne’s World (Penelope Spheeris, 1992)

• John Mahoney

• Limerence on Wikipedia

• In Your Eyes

mistakescast@gmail.com * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

Logo design by eroyn franklin: www.whateverfactory.org

How can sex workers help people exploring non-monogamy? Are all sex workers polyamorous? Is sex work inherently dangerous?

Seattle Sex Worker Vaughn Wolff joins the podcast to talk about the intersections between sex work and polyamory, and answers all your burning questions.

Find Vaughn at SeattleConfidant.com and instagram.com/thevaughnwolff

mistakescast@gmail.com * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

Am I Queer Enough??

Special guest and poly pro Madeleine joins Sarah and Alex to talk about mixed marriages, bi erasure, and that sexy armpit hair on those anarchy cheerleaders in that one Nirvana video.

mistakescast@gmail.com * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

Did we just get dumped!?! Or did we just ’de-escalate’ our relationships?

Sarah and Alex share some changes to their, ahem, relationship landscapes, and talk about how endings are different in non-monogamy. 

Bonus: Sarah explains that whole ‘attachment style’ thing everyone is always talking about.

mistakescast@gmail.com * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

Season 2 is dropping next week! Get ready for more conversations with Sarah and Alex about breakups, queer erasure, couples privilege, and more! Got an idea or a question? Hit us up on instagram: @MistakesCast

Thinking about opening your marriage? This episode is full of advice from long-term couples who have transitioned to non-monogamy: common mistakes to avoid, arrangements that seem work best, and genuine guidance from folks who have been through it.

Sarah and Alex revisit a past infidelity. Jessica wonders if non-monogamy is an 'answer' to cheating in a relationship. Will and Jada stop by for a tearful conversation about continuing their marriage after a breach of trust.

Will & Jada clip on YouTube

mistakescast@gmail.com * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/ 

https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/  * mistakescast@gmail.com

Really America, forced preganacy?? What's next? Sarah, Alex and Jessica talk about the intersections between reproductive justice and non-monogamy: How free are we to define our own morality and make our own choices? Why do we cede these choices to government or religious authorities? What happens when those authorities lose their legitimacy?

NPR on Abortion access impacts on men: https://www.npr.org/2022/06/27/1107715589/abortion-access-impact-on-men

Pew Research on conflicting conceptions of morality: https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2014/04/15/whats-morally-acceptable-it-depends-on-where-in-the-world-you-live/

mistakescast@gmail.com * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/ (curated by @laurahaviva)

https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/  * mistakescast@gmail.com

"But why tho?" A lovingly skeptical friend presses Sarah and Alex on their decision to open their marriage and gets all her nonmonogamy questions answered. Featuring Seattle artist, author, executive director and podcaster Reagan Jackson.

Y-We * Reagan’s website * South End Mixtape

https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/  * mistakescast@gmail.com

https://twitter.com/carriejenkins

https://www.instagram.com/_carriejenkins_/ 

https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/  

mistakescast@gmail.com

A weekend retreat with a friend reminds Sarah that non-monogamy isn't just about sex.

Opening/closing quote from Kai Cheng Thom: https://kaichengthom.com/

Ban on co-living: https://www.kansascity.com/news/local/article260770552.html

It's your friends who break your heart: https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2022/03/why-we-lose-friends-aging-happiness/621305/

https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/  

mistakescast@gmail.com

Are the youngs living in queer poly utopia or what? Sarah and Alex recruit their 20 something barista, Mattise Wood, to find out.

mistakescast@gmail.com * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

Logo design by eroyn franklin: www.whateverfactory.org

Episode links:

The reddit post about swingers with an upset adult son

Between 1993 and 2018 about 45 percent of marriages ended in divorce.

Special live episode featuring some of our favorite mistakes. Recorded May 9, 2024 in Seattle, WA.

Check out the slides from the live episode: https://www.mentimeter.com/app/presentation/n/alkskyvkpq54ehb844w3r2oejcjo4d6a/present 

Evergreen hearts on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/EvergreenHeartsOrg 

Brand new logo by eroyn franklin! www.whateverfactory.org 

mistakescast@gmail.com * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

We finally get to learn about relationship anarchy. Hope you're hungry for a smorgasbord! 

Maxx Hill, curator of the Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord, joins to talk about the infinite possibilities of how you can "customize your commitments" when you let go of societal expectations. Open the link and follow along!

Mentioned in the episode:

• Relationship Anarchy Manifesto
• Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord [https://tinyurl.com/rasmorgasbord]
• Maxx Hill, @maxxhillcreates, on Instagram

More about Mistakes Were Made:

logo design by by eroyn franklin * mistakescast@gmail.com * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

Mentioned in the episode:

• The Atlantic - Polyamory, the Ruling Class’s Latest Fad 
• Time Magazine - Polyamory isn’t just for liberals: The Surprising Political Evolution of American Polyamory
• More: A Memoir of Open Marriage
• Stranger in a Strange Land
• Brand new logo by eroyn franklin! www.whateverfactory.org 

mistakescast@gmail.com * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

Encore episode!

Let’s talk about sex (or die trying)! Sarah and Alex finally attempt to actually discuss sexual dynamics in non-monogamy without laughing or crying.

mistakescast@gmail.com * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

An actually useful explanation of how to play the three minute game (since ours went so sideways): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_KCzpNBNbVM&t=80s

Or download the pamphlet here: https://bettymartin.org/download-wheel/

Don’t miss:

Evergreen Hearts - Polyamory Pitfalls - Thursday May 9th, 6:30pm

Evergreen Hearts Polyamory Expo

The Whatever Factory

Who should you tell you're poly??? A death in the family sparks different reactions from Alex and Sarah about how open to be with family and friends.

Mentioned in the episode:

• Evergreen Hearts - Polyamory Pitfalls - Thursday May 9th, 6:30pm
• The Cut:  5 people tell their coming out stories
• Business Insider: Coming out as poly is the hardest kind of coming out
• The Poly Coach: Coming out as polyamorous
• Feeld: Guide to Coming out as Poly

mistakescast@gmail.com * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

TMI time! Sarah and Alex work on healthy habits for disclosing info about sex and feelings in their other relationships. What’s an overshare? When is it hiding or deception? And what is the nature of truth anyway? 

Mentioned in the episode:

• More: A Memoir of Open Marriage by Molly Rodden Winter

• Disclosure (Michael Crichton)

mistakescast@gmail.com * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

Logo design by roy franklin: www.whateverfactory.org

Encore episode

Romance: what does it mean?? Sarah, Alex and Jess talk about their favorite romantic movies on the hottest day of the year. And finally answer the question: what IS romance? Or, do they just come up with 5,000 new questions? Listen to the end to find out! This episode first aired in August 2024.

Mentioned in the episode:

Say Anything (Cameron Crowe, 1989) | The Graduate (Mike Nichols, 1967) | Wayne’s World (Penelope Spheeris, 1992) | John Mahoney | Limerence on Wikipedia | In Your Eyes

mistakescast@gmail.com | https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

Logo design by eroyn franklin: www.whateverfactory.org

Last episode we started to talk about race in dating, and tbh…mistakes were made. So this episode we’re doubling down! Ramsey shares his experience dating as a Black polyamorous man in Seattle, offers advice for white people dating other races, and asks us “taboo” questions about our own experiences.  

Mentioned in the episode:

• Pacific Northwest BIPOC Polyamory group

• TV Shows & Movies Recommended by Ramsey:

• Atlanta

• Insecure

• A Million Little Things

• Moonlight

• I Am MLK Jr.

• The Boondocks

• Kindred

• This is Us Season 1

• Match’s 2023 Singles in America Study

• Facebook - Free Emotional Labor Club

mistakescast@gmail.com * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

Logo design by roy franklin: www.whateverfactory.org

We had such an interesting side conversation with Reagan about her experience working with a dating coach that we had to make a bonus episode all about it.

Mentioned in the episode:

• Still True

• Reagan Jackson

• Anwar White, Dating and Relationship Coach

• Get Your Guy Podcast with Anwar White

mistakescast@gmail.com * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

Logo design by roy franklin: www.whateverfactory.org 

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