Is it Recess Yet? Confessions of a Former Child Prodigy – Details, episodes & analysis

Writing is hard because we have a lofty idea of what writing is. We imagine people--fancy people--with degrees and credentials and quills and thick notebooks into which they spill their flawless thoughts from their flawless brains, sitting in flawless libraries filled top to bottom with other flawless books by other flawless authors. 

Yeah, no. That’s not how it works. 

The best writing begins with mess.

The messier and wilder you are, the better. The best thing we can do is throw ourselves in, as quickly as possible, and write a lot of mess, as fast as we can.

Okay, yeah, but how? 

If you’re ready to make the leap, here’s five ways to unstuck your writing. 

“So….do you still play the violin?”

Recently, people have been asking me this a lot, and I’ll be honest with you, it kind of pisses me off.

My reaction to that question is visceral: defensive, angry, defiant. And a little scared. Because, dammit, I didn’t give up my childhood and every fun thing to be a violinist and have it called into question now. 
 

I’m also aware that my outsized reaction to this question also reveals my own insecurities. Because if someone is asking me if I’m still a violinist, it’s a pretty innocent question, right? I mean, I should be able to say, yes, without needing to prove it.

Lately, I’ve been wondering, why do I feel the need to prove it? And why, just because I’m doing something else in addition to playing the violin, are people so confused?

It seems like it’s difficult to process that I do multiple things. For example, I play the violin (yes, I still do) and yes, I also write.

It’s made me wonder why this seems so difficult to understand?

Do you ever feel like if you aren't doing music with 100% focus, then you aren't a serious musician? Maybe it's not something your friends or colleagues say explicitly, but somehow, you feel it or sense it?

I think it's because classical music - like ballet or ice skating or gymnastics, perhaps -- demands monastic devotion. 

Listen to this episode for why I think something about classical music training might keep us stuck in one identity and makes us afraid to try new things.

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Byron Au Yong

3:13 - The genesis of "Activist Songbook." The murder of Vincent Chin as impetus for U.S. legislation against hate crimes.

5:12 - "'Activist Songbook' is the third in a trilogy of works where I've been addressing what Americans fear; ways out of oppression; and the central focus of these three works: an Asian male in America who receives media attention."

6:03 - "Launched in 2017, 'Activist Songbook' was directly impacted by the election of Donald Trump and the increasing racism and xenophobia that have always been present in the U.S. but were further unleashed by Trump's method's of rhetoric...'Activist Songbook' is a project to counteract hate and energize movements."

Asian Arts Initiative, an intersectional organizing group, founded in part as a response to the race riots following the Rodney King verdict in 1992. Founding Director, Gayle Isa.

8:20 - Byron talks about his musical (written with Aaron Jafferis), "Stuck Elevator," about Ming Kuang Chen, an undocumented Chinese delivery man in New York City who was stuck in an elevator in the Bronx for 81 hours.

The Asian American Legal Defense and Education Fund 

11:14 - Byron talks about his piece, "The Ones," about the 2007 Virginia Tech shooting, the largest school mass shooting in the U.S.

19:32 - The need for collective action by marginalized groups in order to be heard. How do we broaden the classical music canon beyond music of dead, white, male, European composers?

21:48 - Byron talks about his song "We Are Leaders," from "Activist Songbook," written from an interview with Wei Chen (Asian Americans United, Civic Engagement Coordinator), who immigrated from China to the U.S. at age 16 and his experiences - alongside those of other Chinese and Vietnamese students - of bullying and violence in American high school.

22:48 - Why drag is important as related to visual representation. "Figuring out alternatives to dominant systems that oppress people."

23:16 - The Japanese American elders who are still protesting because they were incarcerated as children in the Japanese internment camps in the U.S.

23:40 - Jae Rhim Lee's Mushroom Burial Suit, to reimagine the funeral industry. 

24:15 - Why representation matters. Byron talks about his realization that beyond Bruce Lee, he has no other Asian male artists or public figures to emulate. "I should be able to populate a wall with images of Asian male heroes."

26:50 - The damages of justifying music under the label of "comfort, care, and bringing together." "The arts are part of a different economy, a gift economy...capitalism debilitates."

29:52 - "I believe activism happens in so many different ways." The importance of "inner action and small actions, walking down the street."

31:39 - The UceLi Quartet opens the Barcelona Opera house with a concert performed for plants. 

32:05 - "Activism can be reading certain authors." Alice Walker, The Color Purple. Lynn Nottage, Ruined.

33:07 - "There is activism in making the world a little bit nicer."

33:33 - How the immigrant experience fosters both very high expectations and the ability to "make do."

34:18 - "We learn from our experiences, especially the painful ones." Why we can't avoid going through our "shit" and how our "grand plans" become more flexible as we grow older.

35:30 - Why the "solitary artist" is BS and why we can't create in isolation. "Music is made in ensemble. Art is created in community with other people.""Go into the forest with your friends and sing with the trees."

36:48 - Why we have to write our own roles and stories. How classical music separates us from our whole humanity. Why classical music performers need to reclaim their agency.

38:57 - I voice my frustrations with micro aggressions and invisibility in white dominant culture. Also, some stories about online dating and white guys who "prefer" Asian women. *eyeroll*

41:54 - Kristina Wong, performance artist, who, in response to Trump's election, ran for elected office and won in L.A.'s Koreatown. Also, her projects, "Big Bad Chinese Mama" and "Auntie Sewing Squad, " making masks for vulnerable people.

43:35 - Why finding similar ideas in multiple authors is the "connecting thread."

43:51 - Byron's practice of keeping a quote book of autobiographies and biographies of composers. Shostakovich: "just try to reach one person."

44:23 - Ronald Takaki, scholar who worked to rewrite American history to include Asian Americans. "Find gems that connect humanity...keep writing and know that those nuggets connect with other people....there's room for ALL of it."

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Byron Au Yong

2:50 - "If you hear a child sing, they're trying to comfort themselves." How music provided solace for Byron and a way to process the multiple Chinese languages of his family plus "the healing powers of music."

4:27 - How Byron's Chinese immigrant parents raised him to be English speaking and his experiences growing up in a multilingual family.

6:23 - Byron's experiences in musical theatre and how his aunt encouraged him to audition for "The King and I." Byron talks about the strict delineation between composition and musical theatre in higher education institutions.

8:32 - Why Byron centers his music and creative work in the larger context of social justice.

9:07 - How Byron was bullied in school, living in a white suburb, and how he instinctively used songs as "a way to shield myself."

10:12 - "Who is like me in the world?" How Byron found his way in college as he navigated the largely white landscape of his composition program.

12:25 - "Writing was my way out." "Being able to write well is a power."

The International Examiner, the oldest and largest nonprofit, pan-Asian Pacific American publication in the Northwest.

16:08 - Gary Fukushima. Byron talks about how he was siloed in music school as a "classical composition" major and how this tracking perhaps limited his access to jazz improvisation. How this led Byron to the avant-garde and experimental music. "We're trapped in Western art music, how do we escape?"

19:34 - "The cracks are made larger but the cracks have always been there." How Byron found his way toward ethnomusicology and musical diversity. "Western classical music is not the only music in the world." The importance of breaking down hierarchies and making them more "horizontal."

23:16 - The importance of lifting up and embracing Black Lives Matter.

23:40 - Byron's project, Activist Songbook, and his work interviewing Asian immigrants, refugees, organizers, and activists.

24:13 - The importance of continuing to "counteract the hate." "People of color are the global majority. White supremacists have to be scared because they don't actually have the numbers."

25:14 - "The last four years have been a disaster." Why young people are yelling and why "they SHOULD yell." The importance of protest.

The Vincent Chin murder.

Minor Feelings by Cathy Park Hong

27:29 - "Ultimately, I'm intersectional but there is something about affinity groups."

28:29 - Why we need to figure things out within our own groups and why white people need to figure things out "on their own," without burdening BIPOC to provide that education.

Ron Chew

28:39 - Why storytelling, music, and artifacts are important vehicles for social justice and community building, especially through a community curating process.

29:22 - "Sometimes, a 'learning' feels like a 'robbing' without any reciprocation." On appropriation and the importance of reciprocity.

30:22 - "As hurtful as it may seem, some of our relatives are clueless." How white people are not the only perpetrators of white supremacist thinking.

30:30 - Why love is the agent for change and how it can make difficult conversations with loved ones possible. "It becomes part of your toolkit."

In my conversation with composer Augusta Read Thomas, she expresses her heartfelt support of Black Lives Matter; her empathy for the performer in her compositions; why the music profession should be "wildly diverse"; and the three things that one needs to be an excellent composer.

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Augusta Read Thomas

2:40 - Augusta makes a statement about Black Lives Matter and says "it's profoundly urgent that we finally, hopefully, this time, make things better."

3:44 - How Augusta got started in music.

6:40 - How she brings "enormous empathy" for the player when she is writing music.

7:10 - Why "Jazz is the great American music" and her obsessions with Louis Armstrong, Ella Fitzgerald, etc.

8:21 - "I don't see any reason why the profession of music should be anything but wildly diverse....Music is so much bigger."

11:00 - "I love music!" Augusta talks about collaboration and the range of her output.

Luciano Berio

15:23 - Augusta talks about her opera, Sweet Potato Kicks the Sun, which features the "astonishing" beatboxer, Nicole Paris. "Opera should be able to include all voices."

20:06 - How the large majority of people who make music on the planet don't read music and the importance of "breaking down every wall," "deep collaboration," and the integration of art forms. "Come with your creative courage. Be crazy, let's go!"

24:09 - Why Augusta never encounters "creative blocks.""Every piece I've ever written starts as an improvisation."

26:32 - Why music is Augusta's main source of inspiration and why she also loves poetry. "The reason I write music is to give thanks."

31:59 - Augusta talks about her love of and dedication to teaching.

33:04 - The three things one needs to be an excellent composer.

34:57 - How Augusta started the Chicago Center for Contemporary Composition at the University of Chicago as well as her robust volunteerism and citizenship within the music profession.

Tania Leon

39:35 - "I've worked so hard for so long; I've worked as hard as anybody."

41:43 - "I look forward to a time when we can all be together and can make music together." The challenges of the COVID pandemic for musicians, especially for performers.

44:15 - Augusta's advice to young people: "What do you want to do? Be true to yourself. Always be honest. Look for integrity in your own work and your own life. Be generous to others. And work toward extreme excellence."

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Blair McMillen

Blair's YouTube channel

2:12 - Blair talks about how he got started, going to Interlochen, and then Oberlin.

4:59 - Blair's struggles with a "debilitating fear of performance" and how he learned to manage this anxiety and stage fright. How beta blockers helped him deal with his "preoccupation with playing perfectly."

Noa Kageyama, The Bulletproof Musician

13:08 - How Blair helps his own students deal with performance anxiety and stage fright.

14:36 - How talking about "uncomfortable things and awkward truths" was "taboo" when Blair was in school. The "hero worship" of teachers in music school who seemed to have "perfect lives." "Students want to know their teachers aren't perfect human beings."

16:30 - How a broad liberal arts education helped Blair discover his interest in music of the 1950's, 60's and 70's and opened the door to contemporary music for him.

Tim Weiss, Oberlin College and Conservatory

21:08 - Blair talks about his years at The Juilliard School, going from a broad range school to a conservatory's narrower focus.

23:44 - Blair and I talk about life after graduating from Juilliard.

26:05 - How the advent of the Internet changed the perception of entrepreneurship and self-promotion in classical music. The need to change the classical music paradigm.

29:08 - How the "old guard" mentality about achieving a career in classical music gives very little agency to the performer.

31:20 - How COVID has affected performers and how the pandemic may push us to be more creative and resilient.

32:42 - Blair's love of learning music that has little or no "performance history" and how this liberated his interest in contemporary music.

34:22 - How music students today are interested in expanding past the idea of classical music as Eurocentric. "A life in music will not be a recital-oriented, soloist-oriented life."

37:07 - How the attitudes towards contemporary music and teaching have changed.

38:02 - The pandemic and the importance of "trying things you're not good at." "It's okay to have doubts and it's okay to try other things for a while....It's okay to be vulnerable."

42:34 - "I so wish that classical music could be more about the process than the product."

45:49 - Why being a part-time, semi-professional musician can be a healthy option. "It's okay to be part-time, it's okay to let it go for a while." "Try not to base your own self-worth on what other people think about you."

47:50 - Why open conversation about the realities of a musician's life is important. "It's okay to not have a clear vision of what your life is going to look like as a musician." "Doubt about the future, for better or worse, is part of the 'crazy life' of a musician."

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Sean Wang 

4:00 - Sean's arduous process and emigration from Taiwan to the U.S. How he won a major competition and left Taiwan to study music abroad.

5:39 - How at age 13, Sean took time off from school in order to practice and win the competition.

6:10 - How leaving Taiwan was necessary at that time, in order fro Sean to develop as a musician.

7:45 - "I always knew that I would be a musician one day. It was always what I wanted to do." Sean's love of music and his true desire to be a musician. How classical music was a kind of "bubble" and an escape for Sean, a place where he could be comfortable. "Going abroad was a realization of a dream."

8:52 - Sean remembers how performing expressively was a challenge, partly because of what Sean calls the "cultural pressure" of his upbringing - to be quiet, to listen to adults - and how some of this affected his playing and put him at a disadvantage as he confronted conflicting messages. "I wasn't supposed to express myself."

11:10 - The challenges of "assimilation": "Why are you being snobbish? Why are you disrespecting your trio mates?" How a music coach shamed a 14-year-old Sean for being reserved and quiet. How this music coach failed to understand or feel the need to understand Sean's background as well as his limited English at that time. How the burden of assimilation is placed on immigrants to adjust their behaviors, customs, and personhood for the comfort of the dominant culture. "My quietness was misunderstood and taken almost as an act of defiance."

15:04 - "In this society, one is assessed by how he/she talks and acts....the initial impression is everything, the first 10-20 seconds can form someone's impression, sometimes permanently." Without knowing this because, as Sean puts it: "in Asian societies, things work slightly differently," Sean recounts his struggles with inadvertently making a "not good first impression" and how for the longest time he wondered, "why don't people like me? Why am I so unpopular among my classmates and teachers?"

16:07 - How it was only in his 20's and 30's that Sean began to examine and reflect upon his experiences and how the difference between his Taiwanese culture and American culture was bigger than he wanted to admit, even to himself.

17:03 - The implicit bias that Asians experience in white culture. The myth of meritocracy and how that burdens non-whites with the belief that all things are fair and equal in American and therefore, the deficiencies lie not within the system but within the individual who fails to be "good enough."

18:50 - Sean and I share our experiences with microaggressions and how we experience them on a nearly daily basis.

19:28 - What led Sean to his multi-faceted career as a violinist, scholar, and conductor. How the perception of specialism versus generalist has affected his career.

22:22 - How Sean's scholarship in musicology changed his approach to violin playing.

25:20 - "The freedom one gains from knowing more." "Knowing more helps me make better decisions and helps me teach."

30:04 - Sean's challenges in finding a career path after graduation while also balancing his family's needs, leading him to playing country music in Nashville, teaching at various institutions, joining Ars Lyrica Houston, executive directing Bach Society Houston, and now, conducting and teaching at the Longy School of Music of Bard College.

33:50 - Sean talks about times in his career when he became aware of his race. How "Asian musicians are admired for showmanship and not so much musicianship." How people make assumptions about Asian musicians.

39:19 - The "bamboo ceiling" that continues to prevent Asian musicians from rising to positions of executive power. "It seems that in order to get to the same place as white colleagues, an Asian has to work almost twice as hard."

44:40 - How Sean feels the priorities have changed for current students and graduates of music schools today.

47:36 - "At times, it's healthy to not feel all that comfortable."

53:22 - East West Music, a non-profit that Sean founded that commissions new music for Western and Eastern instruments.

54:40 - Sean's "practical advice" to his younger self, about the importance of having an "artistic identity" and the importance of breaking from tradition.

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Celia Hatton

2:32 - Celia talks about growing up in a musically and artistically eclectic family and how she got started on the viola.

9:18 - Celia talks about what motivated her to play classical music.

11:55 - Celia talks about what it's been like to be a bi-racial, black woman in classical music and why she started to feel self-conscious about her race in high school and college. Her experiences of invisibility as she rose into the "higher spaces" within classical music.

21:05 - Celia and I talk about how "blind auditions" in orchestra auditions are not actually fair because the final rounds of auditions are not behind a screen, in most cases.

22:26 - Celia and I talk about colorism: "the whole construct is that light is good and dark is bad and anything in between is related to those two ends of the spectrum."

24:09 - We discuss code-switching in different spaces. Sphinx Organization. 

27:06 - We discuss white supremacy and the elevation of white beauty. 

36:19 - Why representation is imperative in connecting with our communities: "Play a piece by a person of color."

38:02 - What Celia would do to increase representation in classical music organizations. "[Classical music] is not a bubble."

40:52 - The problem of "universalism" in classical music and the notion that Western classical music is the "best" music. "We have to expand the canon. We have to go beyond what is comfortable."

45:20 - We discuss "the pursuit of perfection versus creativity" in classical music. "We're trained to seek perfection....I have felt that creativity was secondary. The pursuit of technical brilliance came first and I wish that weren't true." 

48:42 - What Celia would tell her younger self: "She deserves to be in the room. There are forces at play that will make her doubt that and it will be there but you have to stand up. You have to speak up. You have to take up space because you deserve it."

50:26 - We discuss becoming aware of institutional racism and Celia's lifelong feeling that she was "weak" and my lifelong feeling that "I wasn't enough." "I'm not crazy. You're not crazy." 

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Dr. Nadine Kelly

1:44 - Growing up the daughter of Haitian immigrants, Nadine's journey to becoming a pathologist and how she decided to leave medicine after being diagnosed with depression and how this led to her second career as YOGI MD, a yoga instructor for mature women.

9:38 - How the pandemic has changed Nadine's business and empowered her mature women to embrace technology.

13:19 - How yoga is a "whole practice" that allows us to let go of judgement and practice self-compassion.

15:56 - How Nadine's taekwondo and yoga practices complement each other.

22:00 - How Nadine applied to Seth Godin's Podcast Fellowship, despite her reservations. What podcasting has done for her platform for education and business. How her podcast prompts a broader view of what individual wellness means, beyond our dress size.

27:51 - The importance of listening to our bodies not just when we are in pain. How we treat ourselves and what we think we "deserve" impacts our lives. "It's up to us to choose us and it's up to you to decide what you need."

32:08 - The benefits of yoga in treating chronic illness. "Learn to be comfortable with being uncomfortable." 

33:36 - How Nadine overcomes her creative blocks and cultivates creative courage.

40:59 - Why it's okay to slow down and find balance in the pandemic.

45:19 - Nadine shares some simple approaches to proper posture and breathing.

50:27 - Nadine's advice to her younger self: "Be nicer to yourself. It's so simple but requires so much bravery."