Explore every episode of the podcast Friendship IRL: Real Talk About Friendship, Community, and What It Actually Takes
Dive into the complete episode list for Friendship IRL: Real Talk About Friendship, Community, and What It Actually Takes. Each episode is cataloged with detailed descriptions, making it easy to find and explore specific topics. Keep track of all episodes from your favorite podcast and never miss a moment of insightful content.
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Title
Pub. Date
Duration
Welcome to the Toastmasters: Formal Communities with Brendan Smith
31 Oct 2024
00:43:40
In this episode, I pull back the curtain on one of my own formal communities: the Toastmasters.
Today’s guest is Brendan Smith, a member of the Toastmasters chapter I was part of. Toastmasters is an international speaking club and educational organization, and for four years, Brendan and I met with the group every Thursday: sometimes online, sometimes in person; sometimes as presenters, sometimes as listeners.
We all shared a common goal – to become better communicators and speakers – but there was an underlying benefit, too. You get to know people in a formal community. Over time, you develop a feeling of belonging to it.
Since talking with Brendan, I have to admit, I did not renew my Toastmasters membership. I was not able to invest in it the way I felt I should have due to work and health stuff I’ve been going through. And though it’s not a part of my weekly schedule anymore, I have such fond memories of the Toastmasters. It will always be a valuable part of my story and community.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
What a formal community is and the importance of its regularity, from its structure to its shared goals
What it was like joining Toastmasters with Brendan early COVID and what our club looked like: the variety of members of different ages, careers, and backgrounds
The importance of discomfort, shared experiences, and informal interactions in building a strong formal community
What we learn when we’re experiencing things with people – or talking with them “side-by-side” instead of face-to-face
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Navigating Friendship Through Chronic Illness
24 Oct 2024
00:59:58
This episode, about navigating friendship through chronic illness, is deeply personal to me.
In last week’s episode, I shared about my own recent health issues, but I think this information is good to have no matter your situation. Chances are, chronic illness will impact somebody in your life in your lifetime.
Today’s guest is Catherine, a business coach, founder of Catherine LifeDesign, and a survivor of chronic illness. Here, Catherine shares about her “perfect storm” of life events – including a miscarriage and Hashimoto’s disease diagnosis – that resulted in a severe health crash.
Chronic illness is hard. There is no exact solution on how to navigate friendships around this; it’s so personal and so nuanced. But my hope is that this one more story out there offers ideas on how to deal with this if it’s impacting your own life.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Catherine’s dream life: a successful business, a tropical Mediterranean home – and how it all fell apart with her three-year illness that stumped so many doctors
The power of the friends who kept calling and asking how she was – a simple thing that offered comfort and support thousands of miles away
The skill of managing your own emotional state and seeking the right support when you need it (and the importance of supplementing with professional support)
The skill of rebuilding relationships, which Catherine learned on her healing journey, and how she views and interacts with friends now
How friendship roots change when somebody goes through a major life change or illness (and how that impacts the work required to maintain the friendship)
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
How to Not Live Vicariously Anymore with Christine Hetzel
22 Aug 2024
00:48:53
Sometimes, when our social lives feel lacking, we find ourselves living vicariously through others and wondering: how come they’re all living their lives and I’m not?
This is the experience today’s guest, Christine Hetzel, found herself in during a kind of quarter-life crisis. To turn her friendship situation around, she took the initiative and began organizing different kinds of public meet-ups.
Today Christine is the host of the Time for Brunch podcast and blog where she coaches clients on how to prioritize their own needs and personal development. She has since organized meet-up groups around the world with hundreds of members.
This episode is packed with inspiration on how to make the connections you want right now. As Christine reminds us, you can’t sit around and imagine things might magically change. You have to go and take action.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
How Christine turned her friendship situation around by organizing meet-ups all over the world
The sometimes under-appreciated work of event-organizing, and how to not take things too personally in friendships (especially new ones)
The joy of friendship match-making, and how to broaden your network not as a means to “close the deal” but widen your possibilities
Being curious about what lights people up, and the conversation starter we both hate the most
Folding past friendships, relationships, and acquaintances into your next season of friendships
Resources & Links:
Listen to the episodes Christine mentions in this episode including Episode 24 (Marco Polo), Episode 41 (the Liking Gap), Episodes 44 and 48 (finding friends on the internet), Episode 49 (navigating small talk), and Episode 91 (party/event envy).
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
How to Balance Friendship and Marriage Without Losing Yourself
03 Nov 2022
00:44:32
What happens when you stop expecting your partner to be your everything?
In this episode, Alex and her husband Michael dive into how balancing friendship and marriage creates stronger, more connected relationships. They share why seeking emotional support outside your relationship isn't just okay—it’s essential.
You’ll hear real-life stories, how they navigate couple and individual friendship dynamics, and why friendship is one of their most powerful forms of self-care. You'll learn practical strategies for setting healthy boundaries with your partner, how to communicate your friendship needs, and simple ways to maintain connections even during busy seasons of life. Whether you're feeling overburdened in your partnership or craving more connection outside it, this conversation will leave you feeling seen, empowered, and inspired to build your own support system.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Seeking a variety of support outside of your marriage/relationship
How it’s unfair to burden one person (our partners) to support all parts of us
How to call out and say, “I am not the right person for this” – for example, I am not the right person for Michael to go to about anything regarding football!
Having separate friendships with your friends, even if you’re in a couple
The incredible dynamics it takes to have “couple friends”
Reflection Question:
How do you and your partner support each other’s friendships?
Guest: Michael Alexander
Michael is Alex’s husband—and he’s been hearing her talk about friendship, community, and connection for years (and yes, it’s rubbed off). Friendship has always mattered to him, even back in his childhood and college days. These days, he and Alex make friendship and community a shared priority in their relationship and daily life. Michael loves a good heart-to-heart with his friends, and some of his favorite connection points include sports, his fantasy football league, and movie nights.
Key Quotes:
"No one person can hold all the parts of who you are." — Alex Alexander, [07:04]
"Friendship isn’t a threat to your relationship—it’s part of how you care for yourself and each other." — Michael Alexander, [22:27]
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
5 Mindset Shifts to Build Stronger Adult Friendships & Community
03 Nov 2022
00:21:31
Struggling to make real friends as an adult or build a lasting support system? In this episode, we explore 5 mindset shifts to deepen adult friendships and create true belonging.
Welcome to Friendship IRL, the podcast that explores how to create real, lasting friendships in adulthood. In this kickoff episode, host Alex Alexander shares her powerful story of building a support system through friendship—after growing up with limited family support and stepping into a caregiver role at just 13.
You’ll discover 5 powerful mindset shifts that can help you make friends as an adult, deepen existing relationships, and create a sense of belonging. Together, we’ll unpack why prioritizing friendship is countercultural, how to start being more emotionally honest, and what it really takes to build a support system when traditional family support isn't there.
If you’ve ever thought, *“Why is it so hard to make friends in your 30s?”* or *“I feel lonely but have people around me,”* this episode is your invitation to think differently about connection.
In this episode you’ll hear:
Why friendship is essential (and countercultural) in adulthood
What adult friendship can look like when it becomes your support system
How to make space for vulnerability and redefine emotional support
Why discomfort, rejection, and growth go hand-in-hand
The truth about loneliness—even when you're not alone
Reflection Question:
Where does friendship stand on your hierarchy of importance?
Timestamps
00:00 – Why I Started This Podcast on Friendship & Community
04:00 – Growing Up Lonely & Finding Refuge in Friendship
06:30 – Building a Support System Without Family
08:15 – What Real Adult Friendship Can Actually Look Like
10:00 – Why Friendship Deserves More Attention Than We Give It
13:00 – 5 Key Mindset Shifts to Strengthen Your Friendships
18:00 – Discomfort, Rejection, and the Path to Real Connection
20:00 – Let’s Start This Conversation Together
Key Quotes
"You are worthy of having great people in your life." — Alex Alexander, 16:12
"When I say my friends are my support system, I mean it — I didn't grow up with strong family support, so I built my own community from scratch." — Alex Alexander, 04:15
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Welcome to Friendship IRL
19 Oct 2022
00:02:52
Imagine you could listen in on those unfiltered conversations about what is actually happening inside someone's friendships, community, and support system...
How someone navigated a friendship breakup even though they still see that friend often.
What does balancing marriage, friends, and family look like, and who is someone calling when they need support?
A parent who is wholly overwhelmed but doesn't have any family that lives nearby. Do they need to move back to their hometown? How might they build a support system from friends and the nearby community?
Alex Alexander asks the questions we all want to ask and unearths a new way to think about community, friendship, and the support systems we surround ourselves with.
"Doing things the way they've always been done" has left us all at our loneliest and most disconnected. So, ask the questions. Reimagine your relationships. Build yourself a better version.
Take the conversation beyond the podcast! Follow Alex on Instagram (@itsalexalexander) or Tiktok (@itsalexalexander), or send her a voice message directly with all your friendship thoughts, problems, and triumphs by heading to AlexAlex.chat and hitting record.
New episodes release weekly on Thursdays.
How to Stop Dreading Parties and Take Charge of Your Guest Experience
15 Aug 2024
00:27:48
If you’re somebody who dreads going to a party, then this episode is for you.
Sometimes the couch feels more appealing than going out into the world and socializing, and I get it. Attending a gathering takes energy. Sometimes it feels awkward. But gatherings can also make us feel inspired and supported and invigorated.
Today I offer an approach that will help you take charge of your guest experience with three simple questions. You can ask yourself these questions before you leave, while you’re driving, or even on your way inside. It’s that easy.
My hope is that this episode helps more gatherings feel like time well-spent – and that, consequently, you’ll want to say yes to more invitations in the future, too.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Why do we like being invited? What feeling do we think a gathering will offer? And why do we sometimes feel dread on the day of?
What the very best gatherings can provide: a shift in momentum, a feeling of relief, a connection made, something learned
How to take charge of our guest experiences and create moments of meaning by asking three simple questions
Remembering that we don’t always know what will happen – and that sometimes the most unexpected gatherings can actually be the most impactful
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Dear Men: Stop Living on Autopilot and Strengthen Your Social Circle with Antonio Neves
08 Aug 2024
00:56:25
Do you know men who don’t have close friends?
It’s a common problem (one that I cover in Episode 31 and Episode 32 of this podcast) with major implications. Poor social and mental health in men is connected with all kinds of other issues ranging from suicide and depression to gun violence.
Joining me to talk about this issue is Antonio Neves, a leadership expert, motivational speaker, award-winning journalist, bestselling author of Stop Living on Autopilot, host of the podcast The Antonio Neves Show, and founder of Man Morning.
This episode is full of great advice for men who are looking to rebuild their social circles. His major suggestion: take action! Find a group. Give a friend a call. Put something on the calendar. It might feel awkward, but it’s all part of the process.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
My personal experience seeing the downside of poor friendship support networks when my mom passed away and my dad became a single parent of three kids
Face-to-face communicators vs. side-to-side communicators, and the difference between big conversations at 7 a.m. vs. 7 p.m.
Antonio’s advice on how to push past the “Level 1 Listener” status; plus, five of the most powerful words you can say in a conversation
The power of investing in ourselves, particularly our support systems, BEFORE we hit rock bottom
Resources & Links:
Want to hear more on this topic? Be sure to listen to Episode 31 and Episode 32.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Want a Couch Friend? You Need to Be a Couch Friend
01 Aug 2024
00:42:13
Today I talk about two friendship terms I’ve been hearing more about lately: the “couch friend” and the “errand friend.”
Lots of people want these kinds of friendships because they’re supposed to be easy. You do life’s responsibilities together or you do absolutely nothing together – no planning or panic cleaning required.
But how do you find these friends? How do you find someone you’re so comfortable with that you can just sit back and watch TV in your sweatpants together, and it’s not weird?
My thoughts? If you want a couch friend, you have to BE a couch friend. If you want an errand friend, you have to BE an errand friend. In this episode, I offer a few ideas about how to put that energy out into the world, from embracing spontaneity to encouraging your guests to get their own glasses of water.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
What a couch friend is, what an errand friend is, and why these kinds of relationships are often with already established friends
Leaning into a more casual energy from the getgo in a new friendship instead of putting your best foot forward
How I act when I have couch-type friends coming over (hint, I might be in sweatpants, and I’m probably not panic cleaning)
What kind of energy does somebody bring when they come over? Is it roommate energy? Or are you waiting on them?
Creative ways you might actually be able to spend time with a couch or errand friend even if you’re a parent or busy adult
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Realizing It’s Just Not the Same Anymore With Sarah Marie Paige
25 Jul 2024
00:39:31
Have you ever gone back to an old friend, only to realize it’s not the same as it was?
This is the experience of today’s guest, Sarah Marie Paige, who in this episode shares about her amazing high school friend group – a group she assumed she’d be able to re-enter without a hitch post law school.
Instead, she learned they couldn’t actually pick up where they left off. Just like with plants, if you don’t water your friendships, they don’t continue to live. So, Sarah created a new community, one that supports her new lifestyle as a lawyer and fantasy writer.
I hope this episode makes those who’ve experienced this phenomenon feel less alone and realize that there are options – you can try to start over with these old friendships, or, like Sarah, you can put your energy elsewhere to build what you need.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Sarah’s high school friends, who kept in touch post graduation via blog for several years but eventually lost touch
Grieving the loss of old friendships, which change as we grow older, and the crossroads ahead: do you start over with them or find new friends?
Sarah’s life as a fantasy writer, and her books, each of which is a kind of love letter to a specific friend – plus, how she met new friends who support this passion
The importance of having a WHY when it comes to community – why are you bringing these people together? What is your shared purpose?
Resources & Links:
Sarah is a fantasy author! Check out her books on her website!
Go back to Episode 12 and learn about my theory about the Roots Framework.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Spring Cleaning Friendships Through Life’s Transitions with Emily Rogers
18 Jul 2024
00:48:56
There are some friendships we just need to let go of. In some instances, this means letting go of an aspect of a friendship. In others, this actually means letting go of an entire friendship.
Today’s guest is Emily Rogers, a transition and leadership coach and the host of the Leap to Lead podcast (which I was recently a guest on; link in the show notes!). Emily has lived overseas for 20 years and has personally navigated many moves and transitions.
She says that with each transition comes a spring cleaning of sorts with past connections, which requires stepping back and reflecting on the energy of these relationships. Can you alter the expectations of this friendship? How will you connect? Is it time to let go entirely?
Hopefully this episode helps you navigate those transitions with more grace and intention, so that, if you desire, those old friendships can still thrive in their new forms.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The different kinds of life transitions that affect friendship: physical moves; starting a family; a new romantic relationship; a medical emergency; finishing school, etc.
Instances in which you SHOULDN’T do the work (for example: a toxic relationship; lack of capacity; you simply don’t want to)
Recognizing energy: when it’s right, when it’s not right, and when it’s time to shift your friendships (and remembering that what feels right now might not feel right later!)
The impact of taking a step back six to eight months after a big move or life transition to make sure your friendships aren’t draining (or sliming!) you
Managing interactions with draining people you have to spend time with (for example, doing an activity together or only hanging out in groups)
Resources & Links
Listen to Emily’s podcast, The Leap to Lead, which I was recently a guest on!
Go back to Episode 12 and learn about my theory about the Roots Framework.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
How to Embody Main Character Energy in Friendship
11 Jul 2024
00:30:00
Have you ever met someone truly magnetic?
They walk into the room, and suddenly, the energy shifts. People are drawn to them. Some might argue that this is just the way some people were born. They inherited some gene that the rest of us didn’t.
But I believe magnetic individuals are just people who are doing the thing, putting themselves out there and taking action consistently – which over time, creates momentum and that coveted main character energy.
You are the main character in your own life, and when you’re stuck riding somebody else’s waves, it’s easy to lose sight of your own needs and interests! So that’s what today’s episode is about: creating momentum and embodying that main character energy in your own life.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
What main character energy is: taking action, speaking up for yourself, prioritizing community connection
What main character energy is not: centering yourself in every relationship; blaming other people as the problem; never taking responsibility
Peeling back the layers of your authentic self and letting yourself be seen, especially the things about you that make you colorful and interesting
Giving yourself the glow-up without the life-changing event and making yourself the center of your connection universe
Three tips and two challenges to help you get your own main character energy
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Shifting People Pleasing Friendship Patterns with Deb Blum
04 Jul 2024
01:06:12
A few years ago, I realized that one of my friendship patterns was actually kind of a problem.
I’d show up for my friends as Superwoman, bragging that I could (and would) drop everything and do anything for my friends – even if it meant betraying myself and my own needs. Then, when I really needed help, I’d never ask for it.
I think we all have friendship patterns and tendencies. Some are good. Some are not. What’s important is taking a step back to determine whether they serve our friendships.
We can talk about this stuff in theory, but hearing real stories makes all the difference, and today’s guest, Deb Blum, the CEO and founder of the Whole Soul Way, shares her own tales with truth and vulnerability, from her historical wariness of female friendships to the midlife realization that made all the difference.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Becoming friends with people who feel “safe enough” and the feeling of being “too much” – plus, the difference between fitting in and belonging
Mismatches in relationships vs. mismatches in the moment, and how sometimes people just aren’t in the same places at the same time
The friendship patterns Deb finally realized midlife that were impacting her relationships and how she shifted those to create better ones
The impact our parents have on how we interact with friends and how close we allow people to get to us
The damage it can do to friendships when you don’t share your whole truth – and how people pleasing can actually be a bit of a betrayal
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Don’t Let Your Brain Run Loose: Creating Solid Friendship Beliefs with Sarah Siegert
27 Jun 2024
01:01:05
What are your friendship beliefs? What stories do you tell yourself about your friendships?
Today’s episode might be one of the most important I’ve ever recorded because it gets at the heart of so many people’s struggles: core beliefs about friendship.
Here, I’m joined by Sarah Siegert, founder of Friendships Abroad. Inspired by her own experience moving from Hamburg to London, Sarah is a friendship coach who helps people living abroad create meaningful connections and overcome their loneliness.
As Sarah points out in today’s episode, our relationships start with us. If we want healthy friendships, we have to be willing to do the inner work first.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Sarah’s experience moving from Germany to London in 2019 and her struggles to fit in within a whole new country
Doing the inner work and training our brains to see the similarities between each other instead of the differences
Creating new friendship habits and developing close relationships within a friendship group
Introverts vs. extroverts, recharging your social batteries, and being intentional about what you’re looking for in friendships
Resources & Links:
Check out Episode 42 about friendship trios, which is about developing a close friendship within a group and follow Sarah on Instagram and visit her website.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
The Case For Making Friends Who Are In Different Life Stages Than You
20 Jun 2024
00:36:21
I just want to make friends who are in the same stage of life as me.
In this business, I hear some of the same phrases over and over, and this is one of them. I love that goal, and it’s a big part of what I talk about on the podcast. But recently, I’ve also noticed a trend in which people are seeking friends who are in DIFFERENT life stages.
So that’s what I’m talking about today. Why would you want friends in different life stages than you? And more importantly, how do you make and maintain friendships with people whose current life circumstances are so different from yours?
Personally, I’m looking for a walking buddy, and I feel like that perfect someone might not be a fellow entrepreneur in their mid-30s. What friendships are you looking for in your own life? How might people in different life stages add some richness to your social wellness?
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The tendency to lean on sameness or perceived similarity in friendships – and the similarities you can still find between friends in different life stages
Why sometimes it’s actually easier to spend time with people in different life stages because they have different time constraints
The opportunities for sharing wisdom and learning when you’re friends with people who are older or younger than you
How sometimes having friends in different stages of life alleviates pressure to act or be a certain way – plus, ideas on how to find these friends!
Resources & Links:
Learn about my Wheel of Connection framework and be sure to check out Episode 77 about female friendships and Episode 15, about managing differences in friendships.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Celebrating 100 Episodes – Plus, an Extensive Look at the Wheel of Connection
17 Oct 2024
01:03:31
This whole podcast was only a dream a couple years ago, and here we are now with 100 episodes. Thank you for being here, for listening, and for sharing these conversations with your friends.
In this episode, I share some life updates and talk intensely about the Wheel of Connection (view this visual diagram!), which is a foundational concept to my work. I give an overview about each of the categories, and at the end of the episode, I talk about how to do a basic Wheel of Connection audit.
You deserve Level 10 support, and hopefully this helps you to take more intentional action to develop the connections you need for this season of life.
Want to go even deeper? Sign up for my newsletter to receive more information, including announcements about my forthcoming book and the Wheel of Connection audio guide.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Life updates regarding my health, two Taylor Swift concerts, and the major milestone of this episode
The Wheel of Connection: why I made it, why it’s round, why it looks different for everyone
How your own Wheel of Connection is constantly changing: people move between categories, and different categories grow and shrink depending on your needs
Wheel of Connection components: family of origin; family of choice; formal community; acquaintance; and familiar/defined/present/historic friend
How the Wheel of Connection and Roots Framework work together, and how to conduct a Wheel of Connection audit
Resources & Links:
Here are some visuals of the Wheel of Connection and my Roots framework. Want more? Sign up for my newsletter to receive more information, including announcements about my forthcoming book and the Wheel of Connection audio guide.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
How Creating a Community is the Ultimate Self-Care with Fresh Starts Registry Co-Founder Jenny Dreizen
13 Jun 2024
01:08:05
One thing I always say is creating a community is the ultimate self-care.
In today’s episode, we dive deep into this idea with my good friend Jenny Dreizen, who is the co-founder of the Fresh Starts Registry, which I’m a huge supporter of.
The Fresh Starts Registry is a registry for all of life’s new beginnings, from divorces to graduations, big moves to scary diagnoses. (Sound familiar? I also talked with Jenny’s sister and co-founder Olivia in Episode 68!)
Jenny is the perfect friend for me to sit down and have this conversation with because so much of her work centers around supporting people through changes and transitions.
BTW, don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t make friends on the internet. Jenny and I have never met in person, yet, I can totally see our friendship spanning 30 years from now.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
What it means to be in your “friendship era” and why sometimes doing less actually serves friendships more
Friendship breaks vs. just taking a step back from friendship or cutting off just part of a friendship
Putting yourself in places and environments that feel authentic to you and the importance of trusting your gut about your relationships
Coming back to people whose energies didn’t used to align with yours but actually do now
Internet friends, selfless acts, and how deciding to actively engage in your community is actually the ultimate self-care
Resources & Links:
Learn about small intimacies in Episode 74, check out the Fresh Starts Registry, follow them on Instagram, and listen to Episode 68 to hear my conversion with Fresh Starts co-founder (and Jenny’s sister) Olivia.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Flexible Expectations and Modern Friendships with Author Anna Goldfarb
06 Jun 2024
01:03:57
If you’re having a bad day, try bragging about a friend. Talk about that thing they did and why they’re so great – it will turn your whole day around.
Today I’m bragging about my new friend Anna Goldfarb, author of Modern Friendships, which is about the nuances of adult friendships. Anna is a journalist whose reporting has appeared in The New York Times, The Atlantic, The Washington Post and Vox. Her book is absolutely amazing.
You’ll find we have lots of overlap in the ways we think about friendship, but of course, we are different people, and she provides slightly different perspectives and language on the topic.
Today’s episode was such a delightful conversation; it felt like we could talk forever. If you like what I put out on this podcast, be sure to buy her book!
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The topic of friendship over the last few years, which became magnified during and after the pandemic
Friendship strategies that are outdated in today’s super fluid society, putting people in positions where they can’t commit
How Anna’s research impacted her relationship with her sister and her own friendships
The importance of having flexible expectations as you and your friends move into different phases of life
The thing that’s flattening our friendships that our ancestors didn’t have to deal with and the amount of time it actually takes to develop close relationships
Want to hear more about flexible friendship expectations? Check out Episode 33, “The New Version of Friendship,” and Episode 45, about friendship demotions.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Finding Balance Between Community and Individualism With Donna Fields
30 May 2024
00:58:39
How do we balance community and independence?
This question is posed by today’s guest, Donna Fields, who, twenty years ago, moved to Spain, and experienced culture shock, going from the United States – an individualistic society – to one that was collectivist and communal.
Donna is an author, professor, teacher, trainer, and host of the podcast Doorways to Learning with Donna. Here, she asks: what do we look for when we leave one place and go to another? For her, it was family and community. But is it possible to be TOO communal?
Spaniards are often extremely family oriented, but is it possible family ties literally tie them down when they could have more experiences if allowed to cut loose? When you move somewhere so different, it makes you wonder: where’s the balance? What feels right to me?
I love episodes like today’s. It feels like we could just be sitting around the kitchen table with a cup of coffee, trying to explore life’s deeper meanings. We don’t answer all the questions, but it sure is an interesting conversation.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
All about Donna – her background in New York and New Mexico and how she ended up in Spain for the last 20 years
What do we look for when we leave one place and go to another? And why do we leave the house in general – to do something, or to be with other people?
Spanish vs. American culture: how each views family, community, reciprocity, trust, etc., and the pros and cons of each
The hyper-vigilance required in individualistic societies where you’re doing everything by yourself
The ripple effects we can have on others and the power of letting go
Resources & Links:
Donna has compiled some material that will generate fascinating conversations about cultural differences and the natural unions of communities.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Letting Our Historic Friendships Breathe in Their New Forms with Joseph Suttner
23 May 2024
00:50:55
Think about your closest friends. Have you ever felt yourself saying, maybe I just don’t know them anymore? Or, why is it so hard for us to get together?
Here’s a question I’m posing for today’s episode: instead of trying to maintain friendships at their “peaks,” what if we allowed these friendships to breathe in their new forms?
Today’s guest is Joseph Suttner, who I met a year ago while on New Day Northwest, a morning TV show here in Seattle. In this episode, Joseph and I talk in-depth about the Wheel of Connection, particularly historic vs. present friendships.
Sometimes it can be sad to admit our historic (and sometimes closest) friendships are no longer at their peaks due to life’s circumstances. But if there’s one constant in life, it’s change, and I think listeners will walk away from today’s episode with new appreciation and perspective of these relationships.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Historic friends, defined friends, formal communities, and more in my Wheel of Connection framework
The guilt and shame created by friendships that can’t be maintained at their peaks due to the realities of adulthood – and how to appreciate what’s there instead
Self-awareness about your approachability if you’re trying to expand your connections (i.e., are you wearing sunglasses or headphones while out walking?)
Activities together vs. drinks or coffee – one of these feels like less pressure if you’re meeting up with a new friend
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Checking-In: How’s Your Friendship Self Talk?
16 May 2024
00:30:56
I’ve been paying more attention to my self talk lately, particularly my negative self talk.
It’s so easy to berate ourselves and give ourselves labels about our interactions. I’m a bad friend. I’m awkward. I’m terrible at small talk. I’m not good at showing up.
But what if instead of saying, I’m awkward, we say, that interaction was awkward, and look at the situation objectively? It’s easier said than done! The important thing is to notice the negative self talk when it happens and try to shift that over time.
In today’s episode, I share three stories about my own self talk. Sometimes I have good self talk. Other times I’m quite mean to myself. My hope is that these stories serve as a reminder that we’re all still working on it, and that’s okay.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Different kinds of self talk we have before, during, and after our interactions – and how these can make or break our connections
My runaway train story about a sleep deprived podcast recording, an embarrassing interaction, and the negative self talk I couldn’t seem to stop
The value in removing ourselves from the conversation and looking at the situation objectively
Two situations where I was able to tame negative self talk – one where I was ghosted, one where I didn’t show up for a friend in the way I’d wanted to
The tricks our brains play on us, and how to approach these “fails” and be kinder to ourselves as time goes on
Resources & Links:
Need a cheerleader for your social interactions? I’m here for you! Conquer your friendship anxiety and walk into any room with confidence - join the waitlist now.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Navigating Female Friendships and All Their Complexities with Danielle Bayard Jackson
09 May 2024
00:59:03
Today’s topic is female friendship, and to be honest, I’m a little overwhelmed by the responsibility.
I hear your stories about the intensity, cattiness, and drama of female friendships, but to tell you the truth, it’s been a long time since my friendships involved those extreme experiences. Due to my life’s circumstances, I had to approach friendship differently. Friends are my support system, and I will do all I can – even if it’s uncomfortable – to risk losing a friendship.
Which is why I’m so glad to have a female friendship expert on today: Danielle Bayard Jackson, host of the Friend Forward podcast, is a coach, educator, and author of Fighting for Our Friendships, which is a total game-changer and a book I cannot recommend enough.
Today, we talk about all the depth and complexities of this relationship – including, most importantly, the joy of female friendships, which, at their height, allow us to be seen and accepted for who we are.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Danielle’s background as an English teacher, where she observed the academic impact friendship had on her students
The fragility of female friendships and the pressure women are often under to juggle the needs of others (as mothers, wives, employees, daughters, sisters, caregivers, etc.)
Why women often look for emotional support from their platonic female friendships more than their romantic partners
The high expectations of female friendships and Danielle’s advice for navigating the pressure associated with these relationships (HINT: communication is key!)
Navigating healthy conflict and gender expectations, and how to build resilience so we can put ourselves out there
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Losing a Best Friend and Navigating Grief with Michelle Cecil
02 May 2024
00:51:20
Today’s episode is all about holding space – and it’s a poignant reminder of the importance of friendship and how it can profoundly affect our lives, even after a friend has passed away.
Michelle Cecil is here to vulnerably share her story about her friendship with Erica.
Michelle and Erica’s friendship blossomed in their youth and grew stronger as they navigated the ups and downs of adulthood. Their relationship faced the ultimate test when Erica was diagnosed with metastatic melanoma.
Throughout the episode, Michelle recounts the joys and heartbreaks of their journey and how she found support.
We also delve into the complexities of grieving a friend, including the lack of societal recognition for these losses and the unique challenges it poses.
This episode truly left me speechless. Join us as we share space and honor the memory of Erica, while celebrating the beauty of lifelong friendships.
P.S. Michelle is a friend of Brenda, who appeared on Episode 24. They are part of the Marco Polo group we talk about in that episode.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The story of Michelle and Erica’s friendship, and how living thousands of miles away didn’t affect their bond (cards, letters, and long distance phone calls played a role)
Friendships that feel like chosen family, transcending traditional familial bonds and highlighting the deep, emotional connections that can form in these relationships
How Michelle has processed her grief over the years, from support groups, to counseling, to simply honoring Erica’s memories by talking about her with friends
How the “Friends” series finale and Cinco de Mayo stir up memories of Erica
The importance of sharing our stories of loss, and how this can foster understanding and bring comfort to those experiencing something similar
Resources & Links:
Check out Episode 24, which talks about the Marco Polo friend group that Michelle is a part of.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
The Physiological Impacts of Connection (Which is Actually More Important Than Exercise) with Dr. Zarya Rubin
25 Apr 2024
00:48:44
How much Vitamin J are you getting in your life?
In today’s episode, we’re talking with Dr. Zarya Rubin, a Harvard educated functional medicine physician, and one of the questions she often asks patients is about whether they’re experiencing enough joy and connection.
Though there’s a societal push for more exercise and more kale, connection is actually one of the MOST important things you can do for your physiological health. According to a documentary we both love – Live to 100: Secrets of the Blue Zones – regular human connection could add 15 years to your life. Lack of connection is similar to smoking 20 cigarettes a day.
I saw Dr. Rubin give a TED Talk here in Seattle a few weeks ago on burnout, and I am so grateful that she was able to come onto the podcast today. This will not be the last time we talk about this but it is definitely an amazing foundational episode to start to explore this topic.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The impact of stress, increasing cortisol levels and trickling into other parts of your body
The studies that have recently come out about college students who entered school during the pandemic
Loose ties, relational diversity, and how interactions at coffee shops can not only change your day but impact your long-term health
Technology’s impact on in-person connection and how to get in touch with your fun side
Resources & Links:
Learn more about Dr. Zarya Rubin on her website where you can access her free Burnout to Balance Toolkit and follow her on Instagram.
Check out Episodes 38 and 39, which are about third places; Episode 41, which is about the Liking Gap; Episode 4 (What is a Friend?); and Episode 69, about learned loneliness.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
The Power of Vulnerability in Small Doses: Embracing Small Intimacies
18 Apr 2024
00:31:32
Sometimes to feel closer to our friends there’s this pressure to share our most vulnerable feelings or unearth some deep, dark secret.
But what if I told you there are more ways to feel connected to our friends that are actually simpler, easier, and more common? That in fact, there are DOZENS of ways we’re trying to open up to each other, but because they’re not “big” shares, they’re often overlooked?
I believe we are all missing out on small moments of connection with our friends, and in this episode, I’ll describe this concept that I’ve mentioned many times but never dug into: small intimacies.
My hope with this episode is to offer ways to shift the friendship culture and pay more attention to those small bids of connection, because as I’ve said before, friendship doesn’t have to be “all or nothing.” Sometimes those small intimacies are more than enough.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Definitions of vulnerability and rejection and the roles they play in whether or not we allow small intimacies
Examples of small intimacies that are overlooked in friendship, from inviting somebody into your house to telling the truth when somebody asks how you are
Topics that are vulnerable or considered big shares for some people but not for others, which can be both “positive” and “negative” shares
The cycle of overthinking what we share to our friends and how we can open ourselves up to small intacies
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Carving Out More Time For Connection With Our People with Career Break Coach and Author Katrina McGhee
11 Apr 2024
01:03:53
How much time do you spend with the people who matter to you most?
This could be your partner, your kids, your family, your friends, your community. The answer will probably vary depending on your season of life.
This episode features Katrina McGhee, a career break coach and author of Taking a Career Break for Dummies. Katrina was inspired by her own 20-month career break that involved traveling the world and spending more time with friends and family.
This conversation is such a delight. Community, connection and friendship are massive priorities in my life, and I hope this episode offers inspiration on how to make choices that allow us all to carve out more time to spend with our people.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The American Time Use Survey, which shows trends of how Americans spend their time based on age
Katrina’s life-changing career break, how she managed it, and her advice for using a career break to connect with people
Non-constructed moments with our people (often facilitated during longer periods of time spent together) instead of curated visits
The mind-blowing percentage of people for whom connection is their reason for taking a career break
Modern American connections vs. the connections Katrina remembers as a kid and the kinds she saw while traveling abroad (hint: we used to be more serendipitous!)
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Is Individualism Costing Us More Than We Realize?
10 Oct 2024
01:02:29
Individualism is woven so deeply into the fabric of American culture that sometimes we don’t even notice it. But what if this cornerstone of our culture is costing us more than we realize?
Today’s guest is James F. Richardson, a cultural anthropologist who spent two decades studying American society – which included living a more communal life in South India for three years. His new book, Our Worst Strength, challenges our approach to individualism as a way of life.
I read the book, and it was interesting to notice what came up. Most eye-opening was realizing how deeply ingrained the individualism mindset is. I simultaneously didn’t like what I was reading about individualism and didn’t want to change anything about it.
Was this eye-opening for you too? Be sure to read James’s book and check out his substack. If you’re like me, thinking about what a number individualism has done on our lives, remember we can’t change this overnight. It takes small shifts over time to make big change.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
How American society often values personal autonomy and freedom at the expense of responsibility and obligation
Things that have affected communal interactions in America, from societal norms that prioritize achievement to the rise of modern media and entertainment
Having meaningful conversations and sharing skills with friends instead of using friendship as a source of entertainment
The need for community members to observe and inquire about the emotional well-being of others
Getting comfortable with bringing together people who are in different phases of life; plus, why I hate the “200 hours to make a friend” stat
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Crafting Connections in Small Towns and Virtual Worlds with Wesley Stroupe
04 Apr 2024
00:50:33
In this episode, we cover something I’ve been DYING to talk about: friendship in virtual reality. When you put on the headset and enter the VR world, what’s it like?
Today’s guest, Wesley Stroupe, is a Friendship IRL podcast listener who recently moved to a small town. Wesley is a self-described anxious person, but especially after the pandemic, he knew community and connection were important in making this new place his home.
He found these things in both conventional and unconventional places, from the local Unitarian Universalist Church to Bumble BFF and VRChat. (Are you making connections in VR, too? If so, reach out – I want to hear about it!)
As the world changes and new technologies appear, I feel strongly that we share how we use these new tools to fill our social wellness needs. Putting yourself out there can be scary, no matter the method, but as Wesley says here, though it feels like it might kill you, it won’t – and eventually, it might lead you to your people.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Voice memos vs. text messages – the impact of hearing people’s voices (the sound, the cadence, the tone) and what they can carry that text messages cannot
Wesley’s story: growing up in a small Southern town and then moving to a small town as a self-described socially anxious person
The benefits of joining a formal community – a church or religious organization, for example – and how this plays in my Wheel of Connection framework
The snowball effect of connection: one friend might introduce you to another friend, who might introduce you to other friends, etc.
Different platforms Wesley has used to make friends, including Threads, Bumble BFF, and VRchat, and what they’ve been like for him
Resources & Links:
In this episode, we talk about the Wheel of Connection, which I urge you to check out, and male friendships, which we cover more in-depth in Episodes 31 and 32.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
The Magical Combination of Intention and Small, Simple Actions With Zahara Williams
28 Mar 2024
00:39:40
Never underestimate the power of the simple things, especially when it comes to friendship.
I love that we tackle the big topics on this podcast, but there’s a special place in my heart for episodes like this one.
Today’s guest is Dr. Zahara Williams, who is a therapist, speaker and author of the After Betrayalworkbook. Here, we talk about an amazing group of friends she’s remained close with for years, even after a major move away.
Listening to this episode, I was reminded of how powerful the combination of intention and small actions can be. At the end of the day, it’s the little stuff – the stuff that can easily be passed over – that is actually some of the most significant work we can do in our connections.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Thinking about the roles we play in our friends and being intentional about how we want to show up as time goes on
Shifting the way we use technology to maintain our friendships during big life changes (plus, using social media to actually CONNECT and not lurk!)
Going on the friendship journey and remembering all our friends started at zero at one point
Not allowing bad circumstances to limit us from having a beautiful experience with a group of friends
Being our authentic selves and not getting caught up on the friendships that don’t work (because maybe they don’t work for a reason!)
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Separating Our Own Friendship Beliefs From Our Children’s With Pam Howard
21 Mar 2024
00:48:06
Do you want to teach your kids how to make and maintain friendships?
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: modeling is so important, but as today’s guest Pam Howard points out, what’s also crucial is checking in with your own friendship beliefs, particularly any fears or insecurities you have about friendship. That way, you can separate your experiences from theirs.
Pam is a licensed clinical social worker, a former K-8 school counselor, and the mom of two teenage daughters. She’s a master life coach for high-achieving moms and host of the podcast Less Drama, More Mama.
Even if you don’t have kids, there’s so much to take in. Pam presents the important reminder that friendship requires work. Sometimes it’s great and feels easy. Sometimes it’s messy and feels hard. I hope this episode causes people to reflect on their own friendship beliefs and remember we’re ALL just trying to figure it out.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Examining our own friendship beliefs and analyzing how this might impact our kids’ friendships and being aware of the phrasing and messaging we pass on to them
How friendship is different for all kids, particularly introverts/extroverts/kids on the Autism spectrum; what feels good for one person might feel terrible for someone else
Modeling healthy, respectful friendship and talking about: why friendship is important; what it means to be a good friend; qualities to look for in a friend
Being the gatekeepers to friendship and the importance of kids seeing friends outside school, where they deepen relationships and learn how other families live
Teaching kids how to listen and be interested in other people, and also how to problem solve their way out of tight friendship spots
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Unpacking Learned Loneliness – and How We Can Impact Change
14 Mar 2024
00:36:32
When the term “learned loneliness” came across my desk, it made my ears perk up.
The idea of learned loneliness – that loneliness is now our new normal – resonates with me; I often find myself wanting to see people, but instead, I’m scrolling or turning on the TV. I used to think this was laziness, but now I think I’ve gotten comfortable being uncomfortable.
Here are some stats to ponder: 35 percent of people feel socializing is less important than they found it to be before the pandemic. Over the last decade, face-to-face socializing hours with close friends has been cut in half.
Never before have we spent so much time alone, particularly with so many people working from home. Today, we talk about some things that could be causing the uptick in loneliness, and I propose some solutions, including things I’m personally committing to.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The different dimensions of loneliness, including intimate loneliness, relational loneliness, and collective loneliness
Factors that have led to an increase in loneliness, including lack of community organizations, increase of working from home, lack of social trust, etc.
Social media and TV’s roles in loneliness – and why I think one is more harmful than the other
Things we can do to combat learned loneliness, such as appreciating the beauty in simple relationships
Why we shouldn’t wait for the perfect opportunity or situation to put ourselves out there
Resources & Links:
For more on loneliness, check out Episode 27, and learn about how we might better lean into front yards instead of back yards in Episode 39 and Episode 67.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
How To Support Your Friends Through All of Life’s Fresh Starts with Olivia Howell
07 Mar 2024
01:08:57
Have you ever felt like a bad friend for not showing up for someone you care about?
Or maybe you’re frustrated that you’re ALWAYS showing up for everyone but feel like nobody reciprocates; or, MAYBE you’re somebody who struggles to let people support you. If any of this resonates, this episode is for you.
Today’s guest is Olivia Howell, co-founder and CEO of the Fresh Starts Registry, the first and only platform that offers a registry to help people begin again after a major life change. She’s also the co-host of A Fresh Story, a top 2% personal journals podcast.
I’ve been following Olivia and Fresh Starts for a long time, and I’m stoked to get this episode out there. It’s full of so many tangible examples of how to show up for people in a world where we’re overwhelmed by responsibility and calls for our attention.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Life changes – the average person goes through 14 (!) in a lifetime, from job changes and break-ups to moves and having kids
Meeting people where they are, which often means you have to take your ego out of it and remember that the reaction might not be the one you envisioned
How sometimes, it’s not sustainable to show up in the volume that equates our love – plus, the benefits of focusing on the small things instead of the grand gestures
Coming up with tried and true scripts you can say to your friends (and borrowing some from Fresh Starts if you need some help with material)
Letting people into your life and believing you are worthy of support, and building the support system that feels right for you
Resources & Links
Check out Fresh Starts, follow them on Instagram, and see their scripts that can help you next time you want to show up for your friends while they’re going through their major life moments.
Listen to the Fresh Starts podcast, and keep an eye out for their upcoming episode which I’ll be a guest on!
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Breaking the Cycle: Rewriting and Modeling the New Rules of Friendship For the Next Generation With Annmarie Beatty
29 Feb 2024
01:06:31
Many adults today say they weren’t taught to make and maintain friendships. I’m often asked how we might break this cycle and model something different for the next generation.
What I keep coming back to is that we all need to start making small changes. What if we said hi to people walking by? What if we stayed off our phones while on the train or waiting in line? What if we allowed children to teach us how to put ourselves out there
Today’s guest is Annmarie Beatty, who is a therapeutic life coach and a leader in her local home school community. So many people think homeschooled kids don’t get enough socialization, but her experience is the opposite – families who homeschool their kids have to be intentional about socialization.
In this episode, we talk a great deal about being intentional in connecting with the people around us. There are so many societal structures that make friendship difficult, but here, I hope you get the message, loud and clear, that it’s worth the effort!
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The importance of socializing with all ages and giving kids the opportunity to make intentional friendships
The cultural shifts and structural hurdles that cause making and maintaining friendships difficult
Third Places, the Liking Gap, the decline in social trust (including thick and thin trust), and weak ties vs. strong ties
Small changes that can facilitate more social trust, which can be as easy as staying off your phone while in line or on the train
The extreme loneliness epidemic in the U.S., and seeing children as examples of how you can make friends and put yourself out there
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Navigating Friendships When You Decide to Drink Less with Hitha Palepu
22 Feb 2024
00:43:33
From happy hours to bottomless mimosa brunches, many friendships are held together by activities that involve alcohol.
Consequently, these friendships are often affected when one party stops drinking. I personally have experienced some big friend group culture shifts when it comes to alcohol. In the beginning, alcohol was the norm, but it’s not anymore.
No matter what, it’s helpful to find activities with your friends that do not center around alcohol, so be proactive and find new ways to spend time together. It will only strengthen your friendship in the long run.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The normalization and glamorization of alcohol consumption and the reality of what regular drinking does to our bodies and our relationships
How many people use alcohol as a social crutch – plus, the barrier it actually creates between friendships
Hitha’s decision to cut back on alcohol, especially at networking events or parties, and the impact that’s made on her home life and overall well-being
How Hitha has transitioned with her friends into doing other activities together that don’t involve alcohol, from Dry January to coffee walks in the park
Tips if you are reevaluating your relationship with alcohol, from creating rules for yourself to finding delicious delicious alcohol-free alternatives
How Jenna Myhre Deyle Moved Across the Country to Live Closer to Friends
15 Feb 2024
00:43:04
How close do you live to your friends? Next door? Down the street? Or do many of your friends live on the other side of the country?
Today’s guest, Jenna Myhre Deyle, actually made a cross-country trip in order to be closer to friends. Before the move, she’d been married, was climbing the corporate ladder, but after her divorce, she couldn’t shake a certain level of unhappiness.
Linked in our show notes is an article that cites some amazing statistics – that a person is 8 percent happier living with a spouse, 14 percent happier living within a mile of your siblings, and 25 PERCENT happier a mile from your friend.
Jenna’s move to the midwest to be closer to friends is an out-of-the-box decision – and it’s one of the reasons I’m so excited to have her on the podcast today. Whether we realize it or not, our proximity to friends can tremendously impact our happiness.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Jenna’s story about “checking off the boxes” – getting married, moving up the corporate ladder, etc. – only to realize she was deeply unhappy
The major decision Jenna made, calling her company’s VP about her wish to move back home to Kansas City, not matter what that meant for her future employment
Society’s understanding of what success is and the idea that if you’re unhappy you should self-care your way out of it
Jenna’s intentional work to make new friends/communities besides the friends she already had in Kansas City – and the impact this made on her perspective and career
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Are Low-Maintenance Friendships Actually Low Maintenance? (Plus, Tips on How to Make Them Work Better For You!)
08 Feb 2024
00:39:32
Are low-maintenance friendships all they’re made out to be?
So many of us are trying to live in this impossible zone of wanting friendship to be little effort but not neglectful. The effort of staying in this bubble can make maintaining a friendship more difficult, and it also denies many of our inherent needs.
Today I’m going to talk about why this mainstream current definition of “low maintenance” friendship is not serving us. How can we think about low maintenance friendship differently and make it work for us?
Friendship should be a reprieve, not a burden; let’s make it easier on ourselves by focusing on consistent, simple connections. Think breadcrumbs, not bread loaves.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The language we use about “low-maintenance” friendship and the fine line that defines them – you want “low attention” but can’t be neglectful
How so much of low-maintenance friendships is denying that we matter, that we want to be seen, that we have needs
The amount of energy we spend staying in the exact right zone of a low maintenance friendship – which in the end isn’t very low maintenance!
The importance of having conversations about how we each are able to show up in friendships
How to leave “breadcrumbs” instead of bread loaves through scheduling hacks, reoccurring meet-ups/texts/calls, voice messages, etc.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
What Would You Tell Your 20-Year-Old Self About Friendship? With Arpita Mehta
01 Feb 2024
00:59:53
If you could go back and advise your 20-year-old self about friendship, what would you say?
Personally, I always had the worst social anxiety hangover, worrying about the things I said or did after hanging out with people. I know now I should have asked my friends about it instead of ruminating and worrying.
This is the underlying theme of today’s episode – lessons we’ve learned about friendship since our 20s – which features Arpita Mehta, a brand strategist and host of The Modern Millennial podcast. She’s also the creator of the Little Brown Diary, a Facebook group of 38,000 South Asian millennial women.
This episode is full of so many gems, and I walked away with so much appreciation for all the work my friends and I have done as we’ve grown and changed. It truly is a never-ending journey.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Limiting beliefs about friendships and how it’s not something we’re taught – making and maintaining friendship is something you have to learn through life experience
Ever-evolving friendships – we won’t necessarily be the same friends we are now ten or twenty years down the line
Male friendship groups vs. female friendship groups, and the effort required to keep a group together (hint: we sometimes make it more difficult than it has to be!)
The downside of being the “connector” in a group who makes the plans and gets along with everyone (and the importance of getting other people to do this work too)
Folding time with friends into things we were going to do anyway – like go shopping or pick up coffee, etc.
Resources & Links:
I can’t suggest The Modern Millennial podcast enough. It’s like hanging out with a friend – a mix of serious conversations, lifestyle, and beauty.
Listen to Episode 42 to hear about the dynamics of friend trios and friend groups.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Breaking Through One-Sided Connections With Chrissy Marie
03 Oct 2024
01:00:39
Have you ever felt like you’re ALWAYS the one giving a shoulder to cry on – but don’t have one to cry on yourself?
I think it’s a common issue among friends. Personally, I used to brag about how I’d drop everything to help a friend in need – but I eventually discovered it wasn’t sustainable, and my friends didn’t reciprocate in quite the same way.
Today’s guest, Chrissy Marie, experienced similar issues, having always been the “space holder” or “fixer” for other people but never sharing the depths of her own emotions – which consequently led to one-sided connections.
Here, Chrissy – who is also a trauma-informed embodiment practitioner and founder of The Art of Aliveness podcast – shares her journey of unraveling these patterns and offers tips on how to build a diverse support network that holds space for ALL of you – no fixing required.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Chrissy experience being the “space holder” for other people and the watershed moment that cracked her open
The fear of losing a friendship if you decide to pull back (and my own personal experience with this)
Why, sometimes, being the “fixer” isn’t actually supporting people in the way you think it is
The difference between allowing people to know something about you vs. allowing them to see your feelings and emotions about it
Fire circles, reparenting the child inside you, a brilliant structure for a Zoom call, and filling the gaps with professional support
In this episode I mentioned Episode 49 about small talk; Episode 91, about taking charge of your guest experience; Episode 74 about small intimacies; and Episode 85, about shifting people-pleasing patterns.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Finding Your Purpose Through Friendship With Mark Delaney of The Purpose Mastermind
25 Jan 2024
01:00:52
Need something to light you up today? Maybe some profound advice? Look no further!
Today’s episode features Mark Delaney, host of the podcast The Purpose Mastermind. He and his wife Andrea are purpose dealers, which means they spend their lives helping people clarify their purpose into one simple sentence.
He says that having something in life that moves us and compels us is at the core of what it is to be human; that we should all be purpose-focused instead of problem-focused; that so many of us don’t live with full expression because of the walls between us and others.
He brings so much thought-provoking wisdom in this episode, wisdom that has me analyzing my day-to-day interactions, and he presents the great reminder that friendship is not extracurricular. It’s not only for “people-people.” We are all made for people.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Focusing on your past and trying to fix it vs. discovering your purpose and using this to move forward
Powerful, positive relationships vs. negative relationships (as opposed to “positive” or “negative” people)
Tweaking the simple things and auditing yourself: are you showing up as yourself or are you putting on a show?
The impact of tiny, consistent steps in the right direction instead of big grand gestures
Tapping into the people around us to help us with our self-reflection and the clarity that comes with vocalization
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
The Layers of Talking About Money With Friends With Financial Coach Sarah Roller
18 Jan 2024
01:14:45
My friends and I talk about money all the time.
It’s a great way to crowdsource information from people in the same season of life. I also think it helps us be more open with one another.
But money can be a taboo topic and difficult to navigate with friends. To help us through these sometimes tricky conversations, we have Sarah Roller, a financial coach who helps clients create personalized money management plans. In this episode, we cover the different levels in which you can talk about money. When is it valuable to talk numbers, and what are easy gateways into these conversations?
Remember: the way you or I manage money isn’t right or wrong. It can be different but right for each of us in the current moment. How can we approach these conversations with respect and curiosity?
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Reasons to talk with friends about money, from gathering ideas on how to manage your own finances to understanding how friends will want to spend time together
The different levels of money conversations you can have with friends and non-threatening ways to start these conversations
Sharing financial goals with friends, which can alleviate discomfort when deciding how you want to spend time together and understand each other’s thought processes
Approaching these topics with curiosity and respect, and knowing that everyone has different feelings about the actual numbers
Asking yourself: WHY are you asking? What will you both get out of it? And when is it actually useful to share numbers and details?
Resources & Links
Visit Sarah’s website and download her free tool about how to plan for life’s irregular expenses.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Friendship Goals: Why They’re Important and How to Make Them
11 Jan 2024
00:36:44
Today’s episode is about friendship goals. Why set them? What do they look like?
So many people are taking one action after another when it comes to friendship without much thought as to why. They’re repeating old patterns and doing what they “think” they should do instead of focusing on their ideal vision of social wellness.
I say “ideal vision” with a grain of salt. Likely, this vision is a moving target, changing as you change. Here, we talk about the steps to take and offer tips and examples that might help you make these goals for 2024.
Like with anything, making and executing friendship goals will take a LOT of brain power in the beginning, but I hope you push through that uncomfortable phase and get to the place where you’re just fine tuning.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The steps to making friendship goals, from setting aside time to reflect to stepping back and looking at the big picture
Categories to think about when making the goals, like: How much time do you have? What are your habits? What types of people do you want to meet?
Assessing friendship problems you’re currently having, like: Are there places where you’re guilting or shaming yourself? What areas are you overwhelmed in?
Six tips for making great friendship intentions; for example: Lean into interests! Create consistency! Use technology!
Twenty examples of different friendship goals you could make; for example: Commit to connecting to one friend a month! Set admin friend time on your calendar!
Being open to meeting new people and new versions of friends you already have – put your phone down, make small talk, be open, etc.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Book Clubs, Bookish Flights, and the People We Read With featuring Kara Infante
14 Dec 2023
00:46:03
Books are like people – they come into our lives when we most need them.
Today’s guest, Kara Infante, host of the Bookish Flights podcast, shares this quote by Emma Thompson at the end of every podcast episode.
Community and books are important to Kara, and as a military spouse who moves frequently with her family, she’s learned that, for her, the easiest way to make connections in a new place is through book clubs, both by joining them and creating them.
Talking about books might not involve the biggest, deepest shares, but allows people to see a bit of who you are. The idea seems deceptively simple, but it’s actually genius. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: specificity is a great way to make connections.
You can apply Kara’s tips and ideas to any interest you might have. If you’re looking to reconnect or deepen some friendships, spend a few minutes thinking about the shared interests you have. It might be a really easy way to open the door to more conversation.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
All about Kara’s podcast, Bookish Flights, which, in each episode, introduces three books that pair well together
How Kara meets new people by joining or creating book clubs, and why this works so well (recurring schedule, shared passions, easy reason to reach out, etc.)
Using Kara’s techniques for finding people during other big life changes (new jobs, new life circumstances, etc.)
Creating a community you can take with you so that you don’t have to start over every time you move
How to find a book club or create a book club using Kara’s format, plus, how to stay close to friends through the Sisterhood of the Traveling Books
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
You’re Not Doing It Wrong: Why Friendship Looks Different for Everyone
07 Dec 2023
01:05:44
In this episode, we return to one of Friendship IRL’s most quintessential questions: what ISa friend anyway?
Today’s guest is Jeni Holla, who, two and a half years ago, left her conventional job to hit the road with her husband and pups and live the nomad life. They thought this adventure would last six or twelve months but liked it so much they’re still living this lifestyle.
Having a social life on the road is challenging. Jeni doesn’t have many close friends, unlike her husband, who has been close to the same people for decades. When she reached out to Friendship IRL, she said she sometimes felt she wasn’t doing friendship “right.”
The question of what friendship looks like is one I get asked a lot. If you’re like Jeni and her husband, who move frequently, the question is even more pressing. There is no one answer – what works for you might not always be what works for other people, and that’s okay.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
The activities or “plugs” we associate with certain people – and how, often, if you just go do the thing you want to do, you’ll meet other people doing that thing
Connecting to people in a small town vs. a big city and how Jeni “follows the breadcrumbs” in new towns, often meeting people in third places
The “ride-or-die” friends, which are difficult to maintain when we get older due to people moving to new places or transitioning to new lifestyles
The power in knowing what you want out of friendship, which allows you to create a filter and meet people with intention
The patience required for deep connections, and how there are always more layers you can develop
Resources & Links:
In this episode, I refer to Episode 3, “What is a Friend?”; Episode 12, “Digging Into the 3 Kinds of Friendship Roots”; Episode 38, “Third Places,” and Episode 39, “Take Action.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Opening Lines and the Magic of a Pizza Gathering with Leah Wiseman Fink
30 Nov 2023
00:57:40
Opening lines aren’t just for dating – they come in handy when you’re looking for new friends, too.
Today’s guest, Leah Wiseman Fink, says she likes to use this line: Do you want to come over for pizza? Yes, it helps that Leah is also the co-owner of a Brooklyn-based pizza chain, but it’s a great opening line anyone can use.
Leah is a life coach, business coach, and mom of two kids. She grew up in a big Jewish family in the midwest, where everybody was together all the time. When she moved to New York 20 years ago, she found herself creating something very similar for her and her family.
Community building is a skill – but once you learn it, it stays with you forever. Leah’s advice? Just start. Give out your number. Ride the waves.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Leah’s background growing up in a big family where aunts, uncles, and cousins lived closeby, and the “show-up-as-you-are” kind of gatherings they had
How becoming a parent acted as a catalyst for Leah to create community in Brooklyn, and the recurring, casual gatherings she partakes in
Good opening lines and tried-and-true activities for making parent friends; for example: do you want to come over for pizza? Can I give you some hand-me-downs?
Using the internet (social media in particular) as a method to make friends, and how to fit friend time into busy schedules, from working out together to family sleepovers
The different ways you can show up for people, from sending food to spending time together – and how specificity can add an extra touch
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
The Power of Deep Conversations: What Chris Burnett Learned While Interviewing 70 of His Friends and Family
23 Nov 2023
00:59:22
The holidays are here, which means many of us will be spending time with family and friends over the next couple months. It’s the perfect time to talk about deep conversations with people we care about.
Today’s episode features Chris Burnett, who, in 2020, started a personal project to reconnect with people in his life. It started with weekly calls to catch up. Then, he began asking if he could interview them about their lives.
To date, Chris has recorded more than 70 conversations. After seeing the impact this project had on himself and his people, he decided to share the idea with a broader audience. His book, Conversations: Connecting with People in Our Lives, was released in November.
When Chris reached out to join us on Friendship IRL, I couldn’t say yes fast enough. Having these deep conversations with people we care about is so important. It strengthens our relationships and allows us a better perspective of our people and ourselves.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Chris’s project: how it began (catching up with one person a week) and how that grew into him reaching out for recorded interviews, and then, a book
Interview format – the wording Chris used during his initial contact, and how he structures the phone conversations
How these deep conversations can help the person “interviewed” feel special, and how the interviews rekindled lots of relationships for Chris
My personal story about sitting with friends and talking about why we admire each other, and the impact this had on us
How the experience helped Chris learn about his friends and family and reflect on his own life and childhood
Resources & Links
A reminder – I have a two-part episode about men’s friendships, Episode 31 and 32.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
You Are More Than Grand: Social Wellness for Grandparents with DeeDee Moore
16 Nov 2023
00:57:49
When DeeDee Moore became a grandparent, she had a hard time finding resources that would help her with the transition.
So, she created one: More than Grand – which has online and downloadable content – covers topics that matter to parents and grandparents, from finding meaningful ways to connect to the latest trends in childcare.
DeeDee joins us today as we talk about the importance of diversity in grandparent relationships. What kinds of support do we need in this season of life? Who is the best person for that? Sometimes it’s children or grandchildren – but sometimes it’s not!
So often people think the answer to better social wellness is to whittle down connections. I think the opposite is true; the more we cut connections, the more pressure there is on the select few to fulfill ALL our social needs. We are unique, dynamic people that deserve to have social connection in a variety of ways.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
More Than Grand, which focuses on helping parents and grandparents communicate better with each other and transition new grandparents into their new role
What is being a grandparent? What have we been told by society that grandparenting entails, and how are some of those messages harmful?
How the hyper-focus of being a grandparent can put a lot of pressure on children and grandchildren to fulfill ALL social wellness needs
The lack of control we have regarding whether or not we become grandparents – and other ways to get the “grandparent” experience
Navigating the grandparent/adult child relationship, which changes when grandchildren arrive, and the importance of sharing expectations with each other
Mixing family and friends at gatherings and the importance of being open to letting go of old traditions and embracing new ones
See the relationship framework about the types of friends and the roots of connection in your life that I mention in this episode. For even more on this topic, check out Episode 12 of this podcast.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Navigating Friendships with ADHD with Charlotte Dover
09 Nov 2023
01:07:04
A few years ago, I was diagnosed with ADHD. I didn’t know it at the time, but ADHD was affecting so many areas of my life, including my friendships.
Navigating friendships with a neurodiverse brain is tricky. I talked about it in Episode 40, and here we delve into the topic again with today’s guest, Charlotte Dover, an ADHD life coach who supports late-diagnosed and self-diagnosed ADHD women.
Charlotte herself was diagnosed with ADHD at age 36 and has spent the past two and a half years learning about it from a personal perspective.
Listening back to this episode makes me emotional, but I think there’s power in putting this stuff out there. Hopefully today’s episode will create more understanding for the neurotypical people out there and help the neurodivergent listeners feel less alone.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Charlotte’s work with women who have ADHD and her personal journey of learning about her own diagnosis later in life
The traits and tendencies that can make friendship for people with ADHD very difficult and how Charlotte and Alex combat some of these obstacles
Common thought patterns (and thought spirals) for people with ADHD and Rejection Sensitive Dyasphoria
“Regulating” ourselves for our neurotypical friends – which might sometimes feel necessary but can also be hard work that keeps us from important experiences
Loneliness – the definition of it and the importance of rethinking what we actually want out of our friendships (which might not always be a big birthday party!)
How a new neurodivergent diagnosis can be like bringing a new person into the equation
Resources & Links
Charlotte Dover is an ADHD coach – follow her on Instagram, reach out to her via her website, and listen to her podcast, This Beautiful Chaos.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Why I Need You To Care About Friendship
02 Nov 2023
00:26:43
This week, the Friendship IRL podcast turns a year old. One whole year!
I launched this podcast knowing this was an important topic, but the more work I do, the more I think it’s such a fundamental thing we don’t talk enough about. People have told me this podcast makes them feel seen, which makes me so happy.
But here’s the thing: I cannot do this alone. The only way we make an impact is by people listening, reflecting, and by then making small changes in their own lives. Then, we create a ripple effect, making the social fabric out there a little tighter.
Today I’m talking about why I need you to care about friendship. For me, friendship is foundational, since I didn’t have a strong support system growing up. Here, I go a little deeper into my story.
If this is your first time listening to the podcast, or if you’ve been here for the very beginning: thank you. I’m really excited to dive in on year two.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
A year with Friendship IRL: we’ve covered loneliness, different types of friendships, societal problems that friendship/connection impacts, lived experiences and more
My story, growing up in an unpredictable household with substance abuse present – and why friendship isn’t just “nice to have,” but foundational for so many
How I relied on my friends, friends’ parents, coaches, neighbors, and people around me to learn how to get out of this and not be in survival mode anymore
How I got creative when I couldn’t find that “all consuming” support system and built a broader support system for myself on instinct made up mostly of friends
Reasons to care about friendship: for the people who are rock bottom, but also for the people who need support in more simple ways
The phrase “I’m fine, it’s fine, everything’s fine,” and the relief you can feel when you finally get the thing you need
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
How to Set Bridges Instead of Boundaries with Zya Be
26 Sep 2024
00:55:18
Have you ever hesitated to set a boundary with a friend for fear of pushing them away?
Or, maybe you found yourself on the receiving end of unspoken expectations and left guessing what your friend truly needed.
Our friendships are some of the only relationships we have by choice – but sometimes that freedom can make us hesitate to trust. We’re subconsciously testing our friends, waiting for them to prove they will show up and listen. These tests can strain a friendship.
But what if setting boundaries didn’t have to be a test? What if instead we saw it as a bridge: a way to deepen the connection and show our friends how to love us better?
Today, I talk all about friendship boundaries with Zya Be, host of the podcast Your Hell Yes Life. We share real-life experiences with boundaries in friendship and stories about those bridge-crossing moments.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
When owning your “yes” is also about owning your “no” – and how to reassess boundaries that are no longer serving you
Being cognizant and upfront about how you like spending time with people, plus, how to create bridges instead of boundaries
Different ways you can take a “friendship pause” if a pattern isn’t working rather than immediately ending the friendship
Small intimacies, self-love, self-care, and the importance of being explicit about what’s needed when you (or a friend) are going through a hard time
Resources & Links:
In this episode I mention Episode 40 and Episode 54, which are both about neurodivergent friendships, and Episode 74, which is about small intimacies.
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!
Why Simple Neighborhood Gatherings Are Important (and How to Pull One Off) with Erin Woodruff
26 Oct 2023
00:58:18
Last March, Erin Woodruff was walking through her neighborhood with her two-year-old daughter. It had been a long winter and it felt like spring would never come.
During the walk, Erin began wondering about her neighbors. Many were also moms of young children. Were they also depressed and tired of the cold weather? She wished she knew them better. So, she created a means to do so.
The next week, she hosted a “Favorite Things” party, a low-barrier gathering that had big effects. So much of the language regarding new friendships is about “joining” or “finding,” but here, Erin created her opportunity to get to know her neighbors better.
I was an event-planner for more than a decade, and I love helping people figure out how to pull off impactful, meaningful gatherings. In this episode, Erin and I talk in-depth about not only how to pull off an intentional neighborhood gathering, but why they’re so important.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
Erin’s work as a communications coach and her resolution to make more friends that live close to her after a mid-pandemic move
The Favorite Things party – the inspiration, the details, how she prepared for it, the intentions behind it, and why the format works well with new acquaintances
How and why you sometimes want to keep things simple at gatherings – plus, how throwing a gathering like this creates more connection opportunities for the future
Decision fatigue and the mantra Erin learned from her mother about focusing not on who didn’t come, but instead, at who did
Creating intentional gatherings – thinking about what your goal is in a gathering and creating an environment in which you can reach that goal
Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!