Friendship IRL: Real Talk About Friendship, Community, and What It Actually Takes – Details, episodes & analysis

In this episode, I pull back the curtain on one of my own formal communities: the Toastmasters.

Today’s guest is Brendan Smith, a member of the Toastmasters chapter I was part of. Toastmasters is an international speaking club and educational organization, and for four years, Brendan and I met with the group every Thursday: sometimes online, sometimes in person; sometimes as presenters, sometimes as listeners. 

We all shared a common goal – to become better communicators and speakers – but there was an underlying benefit, too. You get to know people in a formal community. Over time, you develop a feeling of belonging to it.

Since talking with Brendan, I have to admit, I did not renew my Toastmasters membership. I was not able to invest in it the way I felt I should have due to work and health stuff I’ve been going through. And though it’s not a part of my weekly schedule anymore, I have such fond memories of the Toastmasters. It will always be a valuable part of my story and community.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• What a formal community is and the importance of its regularity, from its structure to its shared goals
• What it was like joining Toastmasters with Brendan early COVID and what our club looked like: the variety of members of different ages, careers, and backgrounds
• The importance of discomfort, shared experiences, and informal interactions in building a strong formal community
• What we learn when we’re experiencing things with people – or talking with them “side-by-side” instead of face-to-face

Resources & Links

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

This episode, about navigating friendship through chronic illness, is deeply personal to me.

In last week’s episode, I shared about my own recent health issues, but I think this information is good to have no matter your situation. Chances are, chronic illness will impact somebody in your life in your lifetime.

Today’s guest is Catherine, a business coach, founder of Catherine LifeDesign, and a survivor of chronic illness. Here, Catherine shares about her “perfect storm” of life events – including a miscarriage and Hashimoto’s disease diagnosis – that resulted in a severe health crash.

Chronic illness is hard. There is no exact solution on how to navigate friendships around this; it’s so personal and so nuanced. But my hope is that this one more story out there offers ideas on how to deal with this if it’s impacting your own life.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Catherine’s dream life: a successful business, a tropical Mediterranean home – and how it all fell apart with her three-year illness that stumped so many doctors
• The power of the friends who kept calling and asking how she was – a simple thing that offered comfort and support thousands of miles away
• The skill of managing your own emotional state and seeking the right support when you need it (and the importance of supplementing with professional support)
• The skill of rebuilding relationships, which Catherine learned on her healing journey, and how she views and interacts with friends now
• How friendship roots change when somebody goes through a major life change or illness (and how that impacts the work required to maintain the friendship)

Resources & Links:

Follow Catherine on Instagram and on her website.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Sometimes, when our social lives feel lacking, we find ourselves living  vicariously through others and wondering: how come they’re all living their lives and I’m not?

This is the experience today’s guest, Christine Hetzel, found herself in during a kind of quarter-life crisis. To turn her friendship situation around, she took the initiative and began organizing different kinds of public meet-ups.

Today Christine is the host of the Time for Brunch podcast and blog where she coaches clients on how to prioritize their own needs and personal development. She has since organized meet-up groups around the world with hundreds of members.

This episode is packed with inspiration on how to make the connections you want right now. As Christine reminds us, you can’t sit around and imagine things might magically change. You have to go and take action. 

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• How Christine turned her friendship situation around by organizing meet-ups all over the world
• The sometimes under-appreciated work of event-organizing, and how to not take things too personally in friendships (especially new ones)
• The joy of friendship match-making, and how to broaden your network not as a means to “close the deal” but widen your possibilities
• Being curious about what lights people up, and the conversation starter we both hate the most
• Folding past friendships, relationships, and acquaintances into your next season of friendships

Resources & Links:

Listen to the episodes Christine mentions in this episode including Episode 24 (Marco Polo), Episode 41 (the Liking Gap), Episodes 44 and 48 (finding friends on the internet), Episode 49 (navigating small talk), and Episode 91 (party/event envy).

And be sure to check out Christine Hetzel’s blog and podcast, Time for Brunch and listen to the episode I recorded with her!

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

What happens when you stop expecting your partner to be your everything?

In this episode, Alex and her husband Michael dive into how balancing friendship and marriage creates stronger, more connected relationships. They share why seeking emotional support outside your relationship isn't just okay—it’s essential.

You’ll hear real-life stories, how they navigate couple and individual friendship dynamics, and why friendship is one of their most powerful forms of self-care. You'll learn practical strategies for setting healthy boundaries with your partner, how to communicate your friendship needs, and simple ways to maintain connections even during busy seasons of life. Whether you're feeling overburdened in your partnership or craving more connection outside it, this conversation will leave you feeling seen, empowered, and inspired to build your own support system.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Seeking a variety of support outside of your marriage/relationship 
• How it’s unfair to burden one person (our partners) to support all parts of us
• How to call out and say, “I am not the right person for this” – for example, I am not the right person for Michael to go to about anything regarding football!
• Having separate friendships with your friends, even if you’re in a couple
• The incredible dynamics it takes to have “couple friends”
  
  

Reflection Question:

How do you and your partner support each other’s friendships?

Guest: Michael Alexander

Michael is Alex’s husband—and he’s been hearing her talk about friendship, community, and connection for years (and yes, it’s rubbed off). Friendship has always mattered to him, even back in his childhood and college days. These days, he and Alex make friendship and community a shared priority in their relationship and daily life. Michael loves a good heart-to-heart with his friends, and some of his favorite connection points include sports, his fantasy football league, and movie nights.

Key Quotes:

"No one person can hold all the parts of who you are." — Alex Alexander, [07:04]

"Friendship isn’t a threat to your relationship—it’s part of how you care for yourself and each other." — Michael Alexander, [22:27]


Resources & Links

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram! 

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Struggling to make real friends as an adult or build a lasting support system? In this episode, we explore 5 mindset shifts to deepen adult friendships and create true belonging.

Welcome to Friendship IRL, the podcast that explores how to create real, lasting friendships in adulthood. In this kickoff episode, host Alex Alexander shares her powerful story of building a support system through friendship—after growing up with limited family support and stepping into a caregiver role at just 13.

You’ll discover 5 powerful mindset shifts that can help you make friends as an adult, deepen existing relationships, and create a sense of belonging. Together, we’ll unpack why prioritizing friendship is countercultural, how to start being more emotionally honest, and what it really takes to build a support system when traditional family support isn't there.

If you’ve ever thought, *“Why is it so hard to make friends in your 30s?”* or *“I feel lonely but have people around me,”* this episode is your invitation to think differently about connection.

In this episode you’ll hear:

• Why friendship is essential (and countercultural) in adulthood
• What adult friendship can look like when it becomes your support system
• How to make space for vulnerability and redefine emotional support
• Why discomfort, rejection, and growth go hand-in-hand
• The truth about loneliness—even when you're not alone

Reflection Question:

Where does friendship stand on your hierarchy of importance?

Timestamps 

• 00:00 – Why I Started This Podcast on Friendship & Community
• 04:00 – Growing Up Lonely & Finding Refuge in Friendship
• 06:30 – Building a Support System Without Family
• 08:15 – What Real Adult Friendship Can Actually Look Like
• 10:00 – Why Friendship Deserves More Attention Than We Give It
• 13:00 – 5 Key Mindset Shifts to Strengthen Your Friendships
• 18:00 – Discomfort, Rejection, and the Path to Real Connection
• 20:00 – Let’s Start This Conversation Together

Key Quotes 

"You are worthy of having great people in your life." 
— Alex Alexander, 16:12

"When I say my friends are my support system, I mean it — I didn't grow up with strong family support, so I built my own community from scratch."
— Alex Alexander, 04:15

Resources & Links

Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram! 

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Imagine you could listen in on those unfiltered conversations about what is actually happening inside someone's friendships, community, and support system...

• How someone navigated a friendship breakup even though they still see that friend often. 
• What does balancing marriage, friends, and family look like, and who is someone calling when they need support? 
• A parent who is wholly overwhelmed but doesn't have any family that lives nearby. Do they need to move back to their hometown? How might they build a support system from friends and the nearby community? 

Alex Alexander asks the questions we all want to ask and unearths a new way to think about community, friendship, and the support systems we surround ourselves with.

"Doing things the way they've always been done" has left us all at our loneliest and most disconnected.  So, ask the questions. Reimagine your relationships. Build yourself a better version.

Take the conversation beyond the podcast! Follow Alex on Instagram (@itsalexalexander) or Tiktok (@itsalexalexander), or send her a voice message directly with all your friendship thoughts, problems, and triumphs by heading to AlexAlex.chat and hitting record. 

New episodes release weekly on Thursdays. 

If you’re somebody who dreads going to a party, then this episode is for you.

Sometimes the couch feels more appealing than going out into the world and socializing, and I get it. Attending a gathering takes energy. Sometimes it feels awkward. But gatherings can also make us feel inspired and supported and invigorated.

Today I offer an approach that will help you take charge of your guest experience with three simple questions. You can ask yourself these questions before you leave, while you’re driving, or even on your way inside. It’s that easy.

My hope is that this episode helps more gatherings feel like time well-spent – and that, consequently, you’ll want to say yes to more invitations in the future, too.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Why do we like being invited? What feeling do we think a gathering will offer? And why do we sometimes feel dread on the day of?
• What the very best gatherings can provide: a shift in momentum, a feeling of relief, a connection made, something learned
• How to take charge of our guest experiences and create moments of meaning by asking three simple questions
• Remembering that we don’t always know what will happen – and that sometimes the most unexpected gatherings can actually be the most impactful

Resources & Links:

Read The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker. It’s amazing!

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Do you know men who don’t have close friends?

It’s a common problem (one that I cover in Episode 31 and Episode 32 of this podcast) with major implications. Poor social and mental health in men is connected with all kinds of other issues ranging from suicide and depression to gun violence.

Joining me to talk about this issue is Antonio Neves, a leadership expert, motivational speaker, award-winning journalist, bestselling author of Stop Living on Autopilot, host of the podcast The Antonio Neves Show, and founder of Man Morning.

This episode is full of great advice for men who are looking to rebuild their social circles. His major suggestion: take action! Find a group. Give a friend a call. Put something on the calendar. It might feel awkward, but it’s all part of the process.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• My personal experience seeing the downside of poor friendship support networks when my mom passed away and my dad became a single parent of three kids
• Face-to-face communicators vs. side-to-side communicators, and the difference between big conversations at 7 a.m. vs. 7 p.m.
• Antonio’s advice on how to push past the “Level 1 Listener” status; plus, five of the most powerful words you can say in a conversation
• The power of investing in ourselves, particularly our support systems, BEFORE we hit rock bottom

Resources & Links:

Want to hear more on this topic? Be sure to listen to Episode 31 and Episode 32.

Check out Antonio’s book Stop Living on Autopilot, listen to The Antonio Neves Show, and learn about Man Morning.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Today I talk about two friendship terms I’ve been hearing more about lately: the “couch friend” and the “errand friend.”

Lots of people want these kinds of friendships because they’re supposed to be easy. You do life’s responsibilities together or you do absolutely nothing together – no planning or panic cleaning required.

But how do you find these friends? How do you find someone you’re so comfortable with that you can just sit back and watch TV in your sweatpants together, and it’s not weird? 

My thoughts? If you want a couch friend, you have to BE a couch friend. If you want an errand friend, you have to BE an errand friend. In this episode, I offer a few ideas about how to put that energy out into the world, from embracing spontaneity to encouraging your guests to get their own glasses of water.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• What a couch friend is, what an errand friend is, and why these kinds of relationships are often with already established friends
• Leaning into a more casual energy from the getgo in a new friendship instead of putting your best foot forward
• How I act when I have couch-type friends coming over (hint, I might be in sweatpants, and I’m probably not panic cleaning)
• What kind of energy does somebody bring when they come over? Is it roommate energy? Or are you waiting on them?
• Creative ways you might actually be able to spend time with a couch or errand friend even if you’re a parent or busy adult

Resources & Links:

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Have you ever gone back to an old friend, only to realize it’s not the same as it was?

This is the experience of today’s guest, Sarah Marie Paige, who in this episode shares about her amazing high school friend group – a group she assumed she’d be able to re-enter without a hitch post law school.

Instead, she learned they couldn’t actually pick up where they left off. Just like with plants, if you don’t water your friendships, they don’t continue to live. So, Sarah created a new community, one that supports her new lifestyle as a lawyer and fantasy writer.

I hope this episode makes those who’ve experienced this phenomenon feel less alone and realize that there are options – you can try to start over with these old friendships, or, like Sarah, you can put your energy elsewhere to build what you need.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Sarah’s high school friends, who kept in touch post graduation via blog for several years but eventually lost touch
• Grieving the loss of old friendships, which change as we grow older, and the crossroads ahead: do you start over with them or find new friends?
• Sarah’s life as a fantasy writer, and her books, each of which is a kind of love letter to a specific friend – plus,  how she met new friends who support this passion
• The importance of having a WHY when it comes to community – why are you bringing these people together? What is your shared purpose?

Resources & Links:

Sarah is a fantasy author! Check out her books on her website!

Go back to Episode 12 and learn about my theory about the Roots Framework.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!