It's easy to feel like you have to be perfect with CRAFT, perfect with your Loved One to be successful. But perfectionism gets in the way of connection. It can blind us, keep us from seeing our loved one fully.

Your acknowledging things not going the way you wanted, and taking responsibility for your behaviors that don’t work—is all part of fostering connection.

If your Loved One feels connection and love, that’s the beginning of treatment. And it means healing can begin in your relationship.

Our Families Speak series features a wonderful team of people navigating life with an addicted loved one. They are all members of Allies in Recovery, an online platform providing training, guidance, support and resources for families ready to shift the dynamic with their loved one struggling with substance use.

With grace, compassion, humility and deep generosity, the Families Speak team shares openly with Coming Up for Air listeners. We can thus benefit from their experience, their process, and the work they do with group facilitator and psychotherapist, Kayla Solomon.

Visit alliesinrecovery.net to learn about our membership options, read our blog posts, meet our team, and much more!

What you don’t do – like get caught up in being a superhero, or telling your Loved One what they “should do” – can help your relationship emerge as a partnership.

If we develop good relationships, we have power. If we have the capacity to change, we have power. If we have awareness, we can make choices, and that gives us power, too. By accepting the invitation to change ourselves, we will have the greatest impact on those around us.

The Allies in Recovery program uses the CRAFT Method to teach the precious skills of pausing, reflecting and considering next moves. This in itself will greatly shift the dynamics between you and your Loved One struggling with addiction.

Our Families Speak series features a wonderful team of people navigating life with an addicted Loved One. They are all members of Allies in Recovery, an online platform providing proven, research-based training, guidance, support and resources for families with a Loved One struggling with substance use. 

Alongside psychotherapist Kayla Solomon, they openly share their experiences, insights, and the CRAFT-based tools that have helped them shift the dynamic at home. 

A membership at Allies in Recovery gives you unlimited access to:  ✔ Step-by-step training in CRAFT through our online platform  ✔ Support groups and a community that understands what you're going through  ✔ A Q&A blog with expert guidance  ✔ And much more! 

Visit ⁠Allies in Recovery⁠ today and start creating change in your family. 

Our hosts speak with Dr. Julie McCarthy, Associate Psychologist at McLean Hospital and Assistant Professor of Psychology at Harvard Medical School.

Dr. McCarthy has received funding from the National Institute of Mental Health, National Institute on Drug Abuse, Harvard Medical School, and philanthropic support. Her research aims to identify biopsychosocial treatment targets and develop and evaluate interventions for individuals and families, such as Community Reinforcement and Family Training for Early Psychosis and substance use. She is a CRAFT-certified therapist, supervisor, and trainer. Dr. McCarthy uses a multimodal telehealth approach to better understand and address barriers to care and promote recovery initiatives informed by people with lived experience through community-engaged research.

At Allies in Recovery, we train, guide, and support families using the CRAFT method—an evidence-based approach that helps families shift the dynamic with a loved one struggling with addiction. Self-care is a cornerstone of this process, but for many, it’s something we have to learn from scratch. 

A membership at Allies in Recovery gives you unlimited access to: 
✔ Step-by-step CRAFT training through our online learning platform 
✔ Support groups and a community that understands what you're going through 
✔ A Q&A blog with expert guidance 
✔ And much more! 

Visit Allies in Recovery to start your new path towards healing addiction in your family.  

Don't assume someone is lying or "in denial." At Allies, we believe  family members and loved ones are aware of what's happening -- even when they don't really want to know. We can see things as complicated -- or  ambivalent, a struggle between two orientations -- and know it takes time to move through a process.

Holidays. Winter. How do you deal? Start by shifting expectations about how things might go, and who might be there. Have conversations about “soft” expectations with your loved one in advance. Consider alternative plans, and take care of yourself. Stick with people who support you. How can you shift yourself, your belief system, and your behavior? Share duties, and consider an alcohol-free holiday, whether your loved one has any issue with it or not. 

If you find yourself swept away in the undertow of negative thinking about what might happen and how you might prevent it, the number-one tool to use is stepping back, noticing that you're doing it. Number two is deciding to shift it, starting with "no negative talk." And third is hitting the metaphorical "reset" button, finding something to soothe yourself. At first, it may not go well, but over time, you can get good at it.

In part 2 of 2, Jaclyn Brown talks about her personal journey in the wake of losing her brother. For her, advocacy and harm reduction work became a way to find her own voice and power after feeling guilty and helpless. To hear more of Jaclyn's story, be sure to check out our earlier interviews with her.

"The universe is trying to tell me something" -- Guest Jaclyn Brown returns to discuss her advocacy and harm reduction work in the wake of losing her brother. To hear more of Jaclyn's story, be sure to check out our earlier interviews with her.

You've got tools -- active listening, being curious and open -- so when your loved one expresses what they would like, or feels they can't continue as they are, you're ready. In those moments of "wishes and dips," you can gently move forward, listening to them and having resources ready, for now or whenever they're ready. It's a main tenet of CRAFT -- noticing the openings. It's also a practice -- something to stay with over time, so you have a chance to be received.

The rest of our interview with Jaclyn Brown, a podcast host and voice  for advocacy. In part 1, she discussed losing her brother to addiction.  In part 2, she discusses the aftermath, and what she does to create  space in her own life for her ongoing grief.

Guest Jaclyn Brown tells the story of her painful voyage through losing her brother to addiction. She's now a podcast host and a voice for advocacy.

Stigma is a story someone makes up about a situation. CRAFT provides a framework, and helps you take the story apart and change it, consciously addressing situations and moving forward with eyes open. Stigma takes power away, but making conscious choices brings your power back.

Your thoughts have power. Anxiety is a thought process. Our hosts share their experiences and most importantly, the tools we need in order to start shifting negative thinking towards positive. When we emanate that positivity, it has a cascading effect on our entire entourage. The CRAFT method for families with an addicted loved one teaches us to get a little distance from our thought patterns in order to see them more clearly. Kayla and Laurie discuss how to handle negative thinking, and why it’s important to do so.

Celebrate the small victories, so they become bigger and multiply. Take yourself out of the story so your Loved One can write their own. Trust that they can function on some level. They have the skills they use to navigate the difficult world of substance use, and those skills just need to be translated to a different lifestyle.

At Allies in Recovery, we train, guide, and support families using the CRAFT method—an evidence-based approach that helps families shift the dynamic with a loved one struggling with addiction. Self-care is a cornerstone of this process, but for many, it’s something we have to learn from scratch. 

A membership at Allies in Recovery gives you unlimited access to: 
✔ Step-by-step CRAFT training through our online learning platform 
✔ Support groups and a community that understands what you're going through 
✔ A Q&A blog with expert guidance 
✔ And much more! 

Visit Allies in Recovery to start your new path towards healing addiction in your family.  

Times of crisis and conflict may seem like the worst times to practice self-care -- yet in those moments, taking care of yourself is key to CRAFT. The more you learn to increase your awareness of yourself and your reaction, the more you can successfully use CRAFT tools. If what you want to happen in those times involves your loved one's actions, it's not likely to be successful. Changing your actions and reactions, however, alters the environment and creates the possibility of change.

How do you communicate when you see (your Loved One's) problematic behavior?

We'll show you how to pay more attention to *intention* — CRAFT guides us to observe the behavior, and point it calmly and thoughtfully and without adding your two cents/ personal interpretation.

Once you have briefly and specifically told your Loved One how the behavior impacts you, you can then step back without expectation of  an outcome, and give them the dignity of processing what you've said.  Over time, this CRAFT tool can lead to long-term change.

We explain how to do this, and when are the best times to communicate.

"Sectioning," or using the courts to force your loved one into treatment, is an extreme tool, and not optimal. It conflicts with some of the pillars of the CRAFT method, but it's also sometimes unavoidable. Use the CRAFT skills to understand when danger is acute, and enough to warrant sectioning.

Kayla and Laurie discuss short-term vs. long-term change -- start by working on one change in yourself rather than in your loved one, like focusing on your thought process, choosing to trust and step back, giving your loved one the chance to make decisions. This gives both of you the tools for slower, but more effective long-term change -- think of erosion, not a tsunami.

How do you ask questions that create space for your Loved One rather than hemming them in?

We may have brilliant ideas about what someone should do, and want to share. The skills we need, however, are openness and a willingness to hear the other person and provide space and opportunity for them to process.

Learn how to back away, avoid interrupting, and let your Loved One talk without offering your feedback.

In this episode, we explain why this approach works better.

You can help your loved one make decisions by creating a safe space -- by listening, being genuinely interested in their perspective, being non-judgmental, and allowing them to slow things down to examine their own thinking. Avoid trying to fix things yourself, and assume that they're wise enough to know what they need. Your role is to help them make their own choices.

How do you take care of yourself when there's a crisis with your loved  one? It's a process of changing how you think about yourself and your  role in the dynamic. If you can change how you think -- even for small  parts of the day -- it changes the dynamic with your loved one, allowing  them the freedom to look at themselves, and not just worry about how  they impact you. Laurie and Kayla share tips.

In all our interactions with our loved one, it's important to be open  to conversation, and seek a way to be collaborative rather than making  demands. Our hosts discuss two listener questions, one about a partner  who wants a debit card back, and another about a friend who's picking  someone up from prison and wants to help continue their seeking of  sobriety.

Motivation drives change. How do you find motivation to change your part of the dynamic, and allow time and space for the process to unfold? It's okay to sometimes feel like maybe things aren't working, then get back on track. If you don't know how to change, Allies in Recovery offers a toolbox. As long as you stay interested and use the tools, things can change.

Radical acceptance involves understanding that much of what happens is out of your control, and using strategies to calm, distract, and soothe yourself. The goal is to avoid catastrophizing -- envisioning and preparing for the worst outcomes. Radical acceptance means letting go of what you can't control, experiencing feelings and pain, but without increasing agitation, reactivity, and suffering.

Taking a deliberate break to do nothing is about clearing a space, removing internal clutter and distraction. You can often gain new insight and power to make choices in that space. It's about taking care of yourself, replenishing and healing, and coming up with better ideas than your more anxious or panicked self can.

Allies in Recovery provides training and ongoing support for families ready to move forward and create real change in their loved one's addiction. We offer practical tools, expert guidance, and a compassionate community to support you every step of the way. 

Visit Allies in Recovery to learn about our membership options, read our blog posts, meet our team, and much more! 

If your loved one uses multiple substances, use the "functional analysis" to understand which substance to focus on first. Start small, by changing your own behavior in response to your loved one's use. Aim to shift over time. Study CRAFT modules 3, 5, and 6 closely to help make your plans.

After any treatment, when someone is in early recovery, check your  expectations. Your loved one is likely in a fragile state,  uncomfortable, edgy, body wrecked after dependency, and disregulated  physically and emotionally. It's a time of transition, so have realistic  expectations. Be gentle, caring, and connected, not an inquisitor.  Connection is key.

It's smart to avoid giving unsolicited advice. If you receive it, hold  your ground, knowing that you're dedicated to upholding the CRAFT model.  Consider telling the advice-giver to look into CRAFT to understand what  you're doing.

Guest Meme English, a former family therapist and consultant in the legal system, discusses family dynamics. When it comes to substance use, family dynamics are complicated. There are many layers of trauma, from generational to personal, and competing  needs among family members. Balancing all these factors and personal  situations means deciding whose needs get most clearly met. Trauma  therapy also requires time and commitment, and is harder to find since the pandemic.

Let's look at shame and negative thinking and discuss how to slow down, gain awareness, and soothe your system. Our hosts focus on the essential tool of empathy -- especially for yourself -- as a way to  understand what story you’re making up, and change that story by looking for the positive even in difficult moments.

Dominique shares a family’s question about a loved one who’s addressed the most pressing substance use. Should the family now focus on their loved one’s cannabis use? Our hosts discuss harm reduction and the role of the “functional analysis” in CRAFT to address such questions. The analysis involves reviewing what’s changed, patterns and dynamics, and making sure your own behaviors support reduction of use. These actions are subtle, and their subtlety makes them more effective. Even with multiple substances, they recommend addressing one at a time. The functional analysis should keep happening with different drugs, so that you know which behaviors to reward and which to walk away from. The Allies site includes cannabis resources discussing withdrawal and tolerance, and the more-concentrated form of use called “dabbing. 

Even when love is not conditional, there sometimes must be conditions regarding people’s behavior. Love in romantic relationships may change if you break up, but with family members, conditionality applies to behavior, not love. What we as family members can modify is how we react and our expectations. Conditionality goes back to boundary issues – there are edges someone comes to where they must stop what they’re doing. It’s important to note that wishing someone would go away is a normal, protective reaction to difficult feelings.

What do you do in those difficult moments when you feel ramped-up? Laurie and Kayla discuss strategies to back away and not go with the emotion of the moment.

What are the obstacles between knowing what to do and putting that knowledge into real practice? In part 1, our hosts focus on  avoiding a "crisis" response, and slowing events down to avoid being reactive.

Laurie and Kayla discuss change -- how to manage it, how quickly it can or can't happen, and how to focus your efforts.

What does it mean to CRAFT? Why do slowing things down and positive reinforcement help your Loved One with substance use and/or mental health struggles to move forward? How does CRAFT guide us to bring compassion, not judgment to the situation? When we think we see laziness or avoidance, is it possible we may be looking at depression, anxiety, or low self-esteem?

Allies in Recovery provides training and ongoing support for families ready to move forward and create real change in their loved one's addiction. We offer practical tools, expert guidance, and a compassionate community to support you every step of the way. 

Visit Allies in Recovery to learn about our membership options, read our blog posts, meet our team, and much more! 

An overview of the first twelve weeks of CRAFT, discussing what it can accomplish quickly, and what becomes a lifetime practice.

So what are boundaries, really? Who are they really for, and how do you use them well?

How do you address conflict? The Allies' team discusses several important de-escalation techniques to use when you're faced with an emerging conflict. 

Dominique tells the story of a dad who sees his son's truck at a saloon. Not wanting the son to drive home intoxicated, dad uses an extra key to drive the truck home, parking it a block away. The son returns home intoxicated, ranting about his "stolen truck."  Dad stays silent while the son calls the police. They arrive and the intoxicated son rages. Dad tells police (but not the son) where the truck is.

A listener says this whole scenario about dad parking truck away seems passive-aggressive, and asks what purpose was served. Was an enraged son the ultimate goal, so the police would arrest him?  Why did the father take no steps to alleviate his son's anxiety and anger? Wouldn't the CRAFT method say that when the son came home, he should see the truck in the driveway and get a brief explanation from dad on why it was there? Wouldn't the next day, when the son was sober and both parties more calm, be the time to discuss?

A continued discussion of families and treatment. Part one examined how the family can affect treatment and  vice-versa. Part two looks at the overall idea: taking care of yourself and observing your own boundaries, while asking how you might best add to treatment.

Laurie, Dominique, and Kayla discuss ideas about families and treatment, focusing particularly on how the family can affect treatment -- and vice-versa -- in part one of this two-part episode.

A continued discussion of the CRAFT model in romantic relationships. In part 2, our hosts talk about practicing and using the tools of CRAFT in difficult moments to address not you  loved one's substance use, but the relationship-affecting behavior that happens with substance use.

How does the CRAFT model work in romantic relationships? In part one, our hosts say our job as loved ones is to get our  own needs met. First, we must figure out those needs and what we can do to meet them, then ask for help from our loved ones in specific, measurable ways.

What are the challenges of releasing yourself from feeling responsible for your loved one's behavior, as their parent or family member? This involves recognizing yourself as your own person, and allowing them the respect and dignity of having their own process.

Our hosts discuss the individual nature of the  term "recovery." They look at recovery as an evolution involving growth,  change, finding meaning, and finding ease. They say the best plan is to  respect people's processes, plant seeds when you can, and stay  interested in how your loved one defines the process for themselves.

When the stakes are low, CRAFT seems easier to use. What do you do when the stakes are high, when danger feels present? Assessing safety -- yours and theirs -- is first. But CRAFT, even in those moments, can help you communicate more effectively while still holding to the boundaries you need. It's tougher in high-stakes situations, so go easy on yourself. It may not be perfect, but just give it a try, one step at a time.

A membership at Allies in Recovery gives you unlimited access to: 
✔ Step-by-step training in CRAFT through our online platform 
✔ Support groups and a community that understands what you're going through 
✔ A Q&A blog with expert guidance 
✔ And much more! 

Join Allies in Recovery today to access expert guidance, support, and resources that help families create real change. 

A look at CRAFT as the beginning of  treatment – as connection, openness, curiosity, and modeling change. Our hosts advocate focusing not on what your loved one does, but on case management, on researching available options to present when the time is  right. That leaves you free to work on changing the dynamic and going for connection.

Guest Dr. Carl Erik Fisher talks about the historical context of addiction and approaches to treatment, the subject of his new book, The Urge.

How do you "reframe" bad  situations? What does it means to reframe in a realistic, not idealistic way?