Become A Calm Mama – Details, episodes & analysis

Today, I’ve invited occupational therapist Alisha Grogan on the podcast to share simple sensory activities for kids to help them become calmer and more regulated. 

You’ll Learn:

• What’s actually happening when you think your kid is manipulating you
• 3 “hidden” senses that we all have 
• The 2 main types of sensory sensitivities
• LOTS of simple strategies you can try to help soothe your child’s senses (including some that we used with our own neurodivergent kids)

If you’re parenting a kid who struggles with sensory issues, picky eating, or big feelings, you don’t want to miss this conversation!

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Alisha Grogan is a licensed occupational therapist and founder of Your Kid’s Table. She has over 19 years experience with expertise in sensory processing and feeding development in babies, toddlers, and children. She’s also a mom of three kids between the ages of 10 and 15. She uses her OT background as well as her experience as a mom of ADHD and anxious kiddos to provide resources to parents around sensory processing, picky eating, emotional regulation, and executive functioning.

One of Alisha’s favorite things to say is, “All behavior is communication.” And if you’ve been in my world for a while, you’re already pretty familiar with this concept. 

So often, I hear parents say that their child is manipulating them. But in reality, they are trying to communicate an unmet need. They’re trying to manipulate the environment or circumstances to get their needs met, and they’re using the best strategy they have at that time. As parents, we can see this as information, get out of criticism, and look for ways to guide our kids through the overwhelm they’re experiencing.

Unfortunately, many of the behaviors that can help kids regulate their nervous systems aren’t considered “acceptable” in our culture and society. Maybe stomping their feet, banging on something, or hiding under a blanket helps them get back into their body and feel more calm, but depending on where they are at the time, these behaviors might not be “allowed”.

As moms of neurodivergent kids, Alisha and I both see the special gifts our children bring to the world, and have often felt frustrated when others fail to recognize them. 

I believe that in many cases, the label of “neurodivergence” is based on what works best in our society - with the way we structure time, school, technology, noise, etc. We've created a pretty messy environment that then requires a lot of order as a society to keep it together.

But not every kid is built to sit quietly in their seat all day long. And what we'd label “neurodivergent” is actually a very vital and important part of our species that just doesn't quite fit in this society that we've created.

Alisha shares that her oldest son has been labeled gifted, while her middle son has ADHD. She says, “This system was created for my oldest son and the way his brain works. And it continues to propel and push him forward while it continues to edge out my son that is creative and spontaneous and has all of these other really wonderful gifts.”

It’s easy for parents to feel overwhelmed when their kid gets a diagnosis of ADHD, sensory issues, or autism. It is challenging, but we can also choose to see the beauty of it. These kids aren’t broken. It’s just a mismatch. A missed opportunity in our culture to let those types of brains flourish. 

But there might be hope on the horizon. Alisha says that she’s seen “some exciting stuff coming out with schools being set up in different ways, like movement based schools and different styles of teaching where kids are just excelling in really exciting ways.”

You’re probably familiar with the 5 senses we hear about most often - sight, sound, touch, smell, and taste. Alisha shared 3 “hidden” senses that we all have, as well.

1. Propreoception. This is body awareness. When you do things like jump, give or get a hug, lay under a heavy blanket, you’re getting a lot of proprioceptive input. It is also the sense that grounds almost everybody. 
2. Vestibular. This is deep in our inner ear. Our movement is perceived by fluid swishing around in combination with what we see visually. If the two aren’t synced up, you get that carsick feeling. This is not typically an issue for young kids, but becomes more common as we get older. This is why kids can spin and spin and spin. And it’s so important for development that they get this kind of stimulation. Alisha says that, according to research, kids who don’t process vestibular input correctly can actually have reading difficulties down the line. 
3. Interoception. This is the sense of all of our internal sensations - think hunger, fullness, or tightness or lightness in your chest when you’re feeling anxious or joyful. These physical body sensations send a message to your brain about how you are feeling.

Sensory inputs stimulate our senses. Sensory sensitivities happen when we struggle with those inputs. 

There are two main types of sensory sensitivities, Alisha says: seeking and avoiding certain types of sensory inputs. Sometimes, you might also see kids not really registering some kind of sensory input. These sensitivities can happen with any of the 8 senses, with the exception of proprioception. 

She goes on to say that our needs don’t fit into separate boxes - movement here, emotions over there, sensory needs someplace else. They are all interconnected. And as with our emotional needs, when sensory needs aren’t met, dysregulation follows. 

One common sensory sensitivity is the way certain clothes feel on kids’ skin. If they are wanting to avoid this input, but they have to continue wearing the clothes that are so uncomfortable for them, they are going to become more dysregulated. Their brain is only able to handle so much dysregulation before it moves into meltdown mode.

You can see this with a seeker, too. If a kid has a high need for proprioception and vestibular input, and they’re expected to sit at a desk all day, they might lash out at school. Or you might see that they hold it together at school, but then they melt down when they get home. 

Times of transition are often challenging for kids. Times like getting in the car, school drop-off, starting homework, cleaning up, sitting down to dinner, getting into the bath, and bedtime are hard times for a lot of families. 

If things get a little nutty as you’re moving from one activity to another, use sensory activities to bring your kid back into their body and transition to the next thing. For example, “We’ll get in the bathtub once we do our 5 jumps,” or, “We’re gonna leap like a frog into the shower.”

I like to tell people to “channel their inner preschool teacher.” Play Simon Says, have them jump 2 times before sitting down at the table, do a little red light, green light. Make it fun! 

These don’t have to be a strict routine (not trying to overwhelm you here!). They’re just tools you can use when you notice that dysregulation is coming on. These types of activities, as simple as they are, get kids out of their emotions and into the executive functioning part of the brain.

If your kid is dysregulated and it doesn’t get dealt with, it will continue to grow until they hit that fight or flight meltdown mode. Our goal is to help them avoid getting to that point. 

The first step is for you, as the parent, to be aware of your child’s patterns. Alisha says you can start to notice:

1. Circumstances or times of day that seem to be challenging for them 
2. Signs that your child is starting to get dysregulated (behaviors)

Look for patterns in your kid. When are they acting out? What’s the trigger? Is there a common circumstance, environment, or time of day? Maybe you start to notice that your child gets dysregulated when they’re in a really busy environment or when they get home from school after a long day of sitting.

What are the first clues you see that they are getting dysregulated? Do they want to move their body? In what ways? Do they want to be close to you? Do they want to be alone?

There is so much variation in what triggers dysregulation and what kids find soothing. 

Movement. Alisha says that movement is usually a pretty safe strategy to start with.

Try different types of movement or activities with your child, and see what they respond to. Try jumping jacks, jumping on a trampoline, stomping their feet, or spinning in circles. Watching how they want to move their body naturally can also give some clues. 

Rhythm. Alisha also says that rhythm is organizing to the brain (you might remember this from the 3 Rs of Emotional Regulation). So bouncing in rhythm or singing a rhythmic song can be really soothing.

Pressure or compression. This is another one

Jill and Mary of Girls Mentorship are back! We’re continuing our conversation and talking about specific tools and strategies for supporting and raising teen and tween girls. (If you missed part 1, be sure to check it out.) And even though Jill and Mary focus their work on girls, these are great tips no matter the gender of your child.

You’ll Learn:

• The pitfalls of labeling all negative interactions as "bullying"
• Times when your daughter might need extra support
• 4 tips for raising teen & tween girls
• Simple talking points for digital safety & responsibility

Join us as we dive into which situations might require a little extra support for your daughter, strategies for supporting your teen or tween girl, and other resources that can help.

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A lot of people are resistant to needing help outside of the household. It truly takes a village, and it is okay to have a community of people to raise your children. It doesn't need to be one person at a time, and getting support doesn't say anything negative about your parenting. In fact, seeking out services shows that you care about your child’s wellbeing and success - not just on paper, but in life. 

It’s normal to notice changes in your kid in the teen and tween years. They’re going to spend more time in their room. They might roll their eyes or slam the door a little more. These things are somewhat expected. So how do you know when you and your daughter might need a little extra help?

Jill says that transitional periods are often when parents seek out their coaching and mentoring services. For example, the jump from elementary to middle school or middle school to high school. During these times, parents often want to make sure their kids have the skills to handle themselves in these new environments. 

And Mary adds that these transitions are even more challenging when there’s friend drama involved (also super common at this age). We’re talking cattiness, gossip, backstabbing, being left out, etc. 

She says, “As parents, we expect our kids to understand how to navigate social situations or what to do at certain chapters of their life, and that's simply not true. We have to be able to teach them these things for them to be able to understand and know them. On the other side of that, we have to give them space to practice and not jump in to try to solve.”

A certain amount of conflict is a normal part of life. Arguments with friends, make-ups, break-ups, and even name-calling are a part of growing up. These situations give our kids a chance to learn how to work through conflict in a healthy way. 

Finally, parents seek out Mary and Jill’s support when they are in an emergency situation - their child is severely depressed, maybe even having suicidal ideations - and nothing else has worked. 

Friendship issues, disordered eating, conflict, isolation, or pulling back from activities they used to love are all issues that Mary and Jill see a lot of in their coaching practice and programs. Their ultimate goal? To help girls become the brightest, most authentic versions of themselves. 

Things like self-awareness, conflict resolution, and emotional health are all skills that can be learned. And learning them at a young age sets girls up for better experiences now and as an adult.

In our society, we’ve lost places where kids are mentored and get the opportunity to learn and practice these skills. Schools are not equipped to do this work (nor should they). There’s not room for all of the emotional parts and needs of our kids. Organizations like Girls Mentorship help to fill that gap by teaching these valuable life skills to girls and their parents. 

Mary says that they start every program with self-awareness and the power of perspective. Here are a few of their favorite tools and strategies.

Do a Temp Check

Mary and Jill have every participant in their programs do a temp check when they arrive. Basically, on a scale of 1 to 5, how are they feeling when they walk in the room? 1 is pretty lousy, 5 is ready to go! This gives the kids better self-awareness of how they’re feeling and allows the adult to acknowledge how they’re feeling, talk to them about it, and ask them what they need. 

Then, at the end of the session or activity, they do a check-out on the same scale. Are they feeling better than when they walked in? Why or why not?

Mary says, “It's just that simple acknowledgment. It's being seen, heard, loved, and valued for how we're feeling in the moment,” that our kids don’t often get as they’re busy moving from one class or activity to another. 

Practicing this teaches kids to check in with themselves and recognize how they’re feeling and whether they’re showing up as their best selves. Try it when your kid leaves for school in the morning and comes back home. Or when they get home and again before they go to bed.

The Circle of Control

Jill says, “There are things that are in your control and things that aren't in your control.” If you realize that something is bothering you, but you have no control over it, you can put it on the shelf for a little while and pour back into yourself (or allow other people to pour into you).

Some check-in questions that can help with this are:

• What do I need to do now?
• Can I make this moment okay?
• What can I put a pin in or circle back to later?

This isn’t avoidance. It’s taking care of ourselves in the moment and coming back to process things when we are able. 

Mary adds, “We can't expect people to change our situation for us, but we can have the expectation that people can contribute.” 

It’s true that teens and tweens often don’t have a ton of agency, so Mary and Jill like to help them see where they DO have control in their lives and the responsibility that comes with that agency. 

Mary shared an example from their summer camp:

“If something in this conversation that we're having is heavy for you, feel free to get up, step outside for a moment, take a deep breath, get a drink of water. But you are also expected to come back into the room. And if you need to have a conversation with somebody about it, pull one of us aside. There's Jill, there's I, there's other camp counselors here who have been prepped and ready to hold space for you.”

Let Them Borrow Your Belief

Sometimes, we need someone else to lift us up or to show us what we’re capable of. You can be this person for your child.

For parents, this can look like showing up in your highest energy so that your child can borrow your energy, positivity, and belief when they need it. Or it can look like a calm, peaceful energy. 

Your teen or tween needs to borrow your nervous system way more than you realize. Working on regulating your own emotions and thoughts, like we do in the Calm Mama Club, helps you to stay in a good space so that you can show up for your kid in the way that they need.

Digital Education

The challenges of the teen and tween years have become even more complicated since our kids are growing up online. They need to understand that they have an identity, both in-person and online, and that they need to be aware of how they present themselves in both settings. 

Because they’re behind a screen, kids often feel safer online, but this isn’t really the case. Mary says, “They feel like they can communicate with more people, and they have more friends than they do in person, which also hinders their in person friendships and relationships.”

The data is clear. The use of social media apps comes with an increase in anxiety, depression, and plenty of other negative consequences. And very few of us feel equipped to teach our kids in this area, but it is so important. What you talk about can be super basic. 

Mary says that they talk to girls about their digital footprint and the fact that anything online is out there forever. Even if you think that message disappears, it can always be revived. They also talk about their safety online and why their safety matters. It’s talking about the way they can be perceived based on things they say or post. That nothing is ever truly anonymous. 

When asked if they were ever jealous of the girls in their programs for having these resources available to them, Jill responded, “No. Honestly, we became who we needed. And that is the most rewarding and beautiful position to be in. It’s an honor. It’s a privilege to show girls that their voice matters, that they matter.”

Mary adds that they get to use mistakes from their own pasts as an example. Gen Z and Gen Alpha kids are so afraid to put themselves out there. She says, “They are scared to go full force into what they love or to put themselves out there in a way that might be perceived as stupid by someone else,” and the permanence of the internet makes it even scarier. 

Mary and Jill love that they can talk about times they messed up without any guilt or shame and show girls that “you either win or you learn”. 

• The Girls Mentorship summer camp is open to ages 10 to 13, and their peer leader program is available

This is part two in my How to Heal series. Today, we’re talking about radical self trust and how to build more confidence and trust in yourself. 

You’ll Learn:

• How past emotional wounds show up in the present
• Why building radical self trust is so important for healing and creating positive change
• How to be your own grown up
• 3 strategies for building radical self trust

When I think about trust, I believe the entry point is when you have an experience of feeling really safe with somebody. So, let me ask you…

Is there anyone in your life that you feel completely safe with? That you can say or admit anything to (even the shameful, embarrassing, negative things), and you trust that they can handle your vulnerability with unconditional love?

In this episode, I’m going to help you become that person for yourself. So even when the hard stuff comes up, you know that your love for yourself will never change.

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How to Heal is a 6-part journey for healing from emotional pain, figuring out what’s not working in your life so that you can make small changes to be less reactive, feel happier, and show up as the Calm Mama I know you want to be. 

In this context, I'm talking about healing from emotional pain - going back and looking at moments in the past when your core emotional or physical needs were not met. 

Understanding these core emotional needs is also super helpful as a parent. These are tools to help you heal your past and parent your child in the present so that they don’t have the same wounds to heal from.

The core emotional needs are really questions we’re trying to answer:

• Am I safe? This is a big one for kids. Babies and young children are incredibly vulnerable, and they know that they are not able to take care of themselves. They need adults to keep them safe.
• Am I loved unconditionally? When we tell our kids that we don’t like something they’re doing or the way they’re behaving, they often take that to mean that they are bad. They can’t separate themselves from their behavior. It’s up to the adults in their life to let them know that they are unconditionally loved and accepted. 

When you experience moments where you feel unsafe or unloved, core wounds can form, and they show up later in our behaviors. 

There were definitely times in my own life when I did not feel safe. I experienced abandonment when my dad left our family. I experienced sexual abuse as a child. My mother had depression and undiagnosed ADHD, so she was not always available for me and sometimes chose men that were not safe for me. 

I started to decide that the world is not safe. When I looked around, I saw that adults were unreliable. They hurt you. They leave.

Later in life, this core wound showed up as hypervigilance, constantly scanning for hazards, being controlling, looking to see if I fit in, and lots of insecurity and anxiety.

If you have felt that you aren’t loved unconditionally, you might notice that wound come up as people pleasing, pushing others away, over-performing, perfectionism, or over-planning. 

We develop these coping strategies, often even in childhood, to help us deal with the pain and discomfort. As a parent, when these old wounds are aggravated by life circumstances or your kid’s behavior, you might find that you react really intensely. 

Overreaction is a good indication that you have something to heal from. Something is triggering you, and you might want to change your reaction. 

This is the WHY of healing. You see that you are reacting in ways that create pain for yourself or others. Your past emotional wounds are affecting the way you respond to current circumstances. 

In many ways, healing is a form of reparenting. I think of this as being the parent for yourself that you need right now. We all want our parent to say to us, “You’re safe and you’re loved. I’ve got you, and I’m here.”

I want you to do this for yourself. Tell yourself, “Hey, girl. There is no danger here. I’m right here. You’re safe, and I love you. There’s nothing you could do that would make me love you less.”

In order to admit that you’re struggling and ask for help, you first have to feel safe and loved. That’s what we’re working on here.

What unmet emotional need could be driving this behavior that you want to change?

If you want to change something in your life, you have to teach yourself that you're safe. 

Building this trust is a conversation between you and you. You have to be willing to look at your own behavior and get curious about where it is coming from. If you want the shift, you have to go through the junk and be honest about it all - and know that you’re safe with yourself to do that.

Here are some statements to support your self trust:

• I am safe with me. 
• I unconditionally love and accept myself. 
• I trust that my love for myself is unconditional.

To build radical trust, you cultivate a really deep relationship with yourself. I also like to make promises to myself. Things like…

I promise I won’t be mean to me.

If for some reason I hurt myself, I trust that I’m going to forgive myself. 

I also love to trust that I can handle the future. The grown up that you’re looking for to show you the way is YOU. She unconditionally loves you, and you are safe with her. She can handle things, and you get to trust her. 

If I deeply believe that I can handle anything and solve any problem that comes my way (except for death, and death is none of my business), I’m ready. What do you know about yourself so deeply that it makes you feel safe?

For me, it’s often as simple as “I know how to drive, and I have a credit card, so I can get out of any scrap that I put myself into.”

Maybe for you, it’s “I know I’m an adult because I know how to fold a fitted sheet.” You know how to do LOTS of things. Remind yourself of that and build the confidence that you can trust yourself because you can take care of things. 

Take in inventory of resilience. Make a list of times when you’ve been resilient. A list of things that you have overcome. If you want to trust yourself today, look to your past for evidence that you're trustworthy. What are you proud of? What’s something you didn’t know how to do that is now easy for you?

Tell a good story about the past. How you think and talk about your past decisions is going to affect how you make decisions today. The kinder you are about the things you’ve done in the past, the easier it will be to be kind to yourself today and in the future.

Think about a decision you made 10 years ago. You were in a different stage of life, under different circumstances. How do you think about that past decision? Do you think, “Oh my god, what were you thinking? That was so stupid,” or do you think, “You were doing your best, and I love you for it”?

If you’re shitting on your past decisions and past self, you’re going to assume that future you is gonna shit on current you. Trusting in your decision today is going to be a lot harder if you believe that future you is going to be super negative and mean about it.

On the other hand, if you know that you are going to be kind to all the past, present, and future versions of yourself, it will be easier to trust yourself. Let the future you know that you always have her back, and you’re here setting her up for success. 

Take care of your nervous system. This one is so basic and so hard to do. We’re meant to flow back and forth between periods of activation and rest. When you are feeling unsafe, your nervous system is activated. 

In order to get back to rest, you have to notice that activation, soothe and reset yourself. The more you practice this, the more smoothly you’ll be able to move between the two states. I teach the Pause Break to reset your mind, body, and emotions (you can learn more about it in the free “Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet”). 

Remember - you are safe with you. You can trust that your love for yourself is unconditional and that you can handle problems when they come up. You’ve got this, Mama!

• Episode 161: Radical Self Love [How to Heal, part 1]
• Episode 63: Developmental Stages from Birth to Teens
• Episode 97: Your Nervous System Explained
• Episode 2: The Pause Break

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✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will...

We’re a few weeks into summer, and you might be starting to feel like you’re in the doldrums. If you’ve been feeling frustrated, disappointed or sad that your summer isn’t going quite the way you hoped it would, this is the episode for you. I’m talking about how to do a summer reset and get things back on track.

We have a lot of ideas about what summer will be like, and then we get into it. We’re completely out of our regular rhythm, we’re spending a lot more time with our kids and they’re spending a lot more time with us and each other. And summer doesn’t feel so easy anymore. 

Before you can reset, it helps to understand what the actual problems are that you’re facing. Then, we can solve for them. Here are some top reasons you might be feeling like your summer sucks right now.

Weather. When it’s hot, humid and sticky out, people get grumpy. When we’re physically uncomfortable, it’s harder to regulate our emotions. 

Your kids are fighting all the time. Your kids are spending a ton of time together, so you start to see patterns where they’re bickering, picking on each other or just annoyed with each other all the time. (Come back next week for an episode all about summer and siblings.)

Your kids are resistant to summer camp. We think of summer camp as being so much fun for our kids, but it is still a lot of work for them - being physical, spending time outside and being in new social groups can be hard. If they hate it or resist it and are crying and having big feeling cycles everyday, it can feel really frustrating for you.

Your kids are missing school and their friends. There’s a rhythm and predictability to school that helps kids feel safe. Kids know where they’re supposed to be and what they’re supposed to be doing. And they have their school friends, who aren’t always available to them in the summer, so they might feel a bit lonely, too. 

Expectations. Kids create a “Disneyland” version of summer in their minds (and so do we). They want the fun, the freedom and the all-summer vacation feeling. But the reality is that you’re still going to tell them to eat their veggies, clean up, take a bath and go to bed. Those unmet expectations of nonstop fun can lead to disappointment and grumpy moods.

Sleep (or lack thereof). Sleep is whacked in the summer. You want to let kids stay up late to do fun things, but then they wake up even earlier. Tired kids are grumpy kids, and the tiredness often shows up as adrenaline, so they’re running wild.

Junk food. We tend to give our kids a lot more treats and quick, easy snacks in the summer. So while they get a quick burst of energy, they then burn out pretty quickly. Even if they’re not hungry, their brain starts to crave more of that energy from sugar or fast carbs, rather than foods that stay and sustain energy longer in their bodies. 

Screens. Lots of kids have extra screen time in the summer. There are a lot more hours to fill. And this isn’t wrong. But what happens is that they often end up feeling more grumpy and dissatisfied afterwards. 

Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of fun things about summer. But you’re much more likely to enjoy them when everyone is pretty well regulated. Here are some strategies to get your family back on track.

Build back some rhythm. This is a great strategy if you feel out of balance with sleep, food or screens. There are no fast rules about what these limits should be. If you had a pretty good rhythm for this during the school year, start by having a day or two each week where you go back to your old routine. 

You might choose a day where you focus on your routine around meals or have an at-home night so you can get back into your evening and bedtime routine. 

Get a break. Go do something fun without your kids. Plan a mom’s night out, get a babysitter for a date night or do a kid swap with another mom so you both get a little time off. Do some things to take care of yourself.

Plan a “breathe-in day”. Summer is busy. There’s a lot of movement and energy and stimulation (the breathing out). A breathe-in day lets you chill and recharge. Think about easy, quiet activities like going to the library or to a movie or throwing a stuffed animal party. 

Check your mindset. When you have a day or a week this summer that’s not going great and you're feeling super grumpy, I want you to actually process that negative emotion. I call this Calm Mama Thinking. 

Reset your mind to the thoughts that you want to have, so you can feel the feeling you want to have. 

Step 1: Do a thought dump. List out what you’re feeling and why. Let yourself vent and be frustrated. 

Step 2: Think about what feeling you are chasing. How do you want to feel instead? 

Step 3: Do a thought swap. What thoughts do you need to think in order to feel the way you want to feel? 

The mindset will help you shift out of that grumpy feeling and get you into a place where you can have more compassion for your kids. And when they experience your compassion, they’ll be more able to calm and regulate themselves. 

There are a lot of reasons why summer goes off the rails, and it has very little to do with you. When you see a lot of off-track behavior, remember that ALL behavior is driven by feelings and your kid is probably overwhelmed in some way. 

When you’re off track, let’s reset. Reset our rhythms, reset our routines, reset our connection and start fresh.

• Common challenges with kids in the summer
• 4 strategies to do a summer reset and get things back on track
• Some thoughts you can borrow to create the feelings you want this summer

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

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✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

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• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
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Traveling with kids can feel more like a business trip than a vacation sometimes. You get excited for a break and a change of scenery, but you’re not necessarily off duty when it comes to parenting. In this episode, I’m sharing why vacation feels like so much work sometimes and my top 5 tips for vacationing with kids.

Your Expectations

Often, when we plan a trip, we think of it in its most idyllic way. We anticipate that it will be lovely and fun and relaxing. We can’t wait for the adventure, the squeals of fun and laughter. 

Then, reality hits. You’re taking your actual children with you on this trip (not some imaginary unicorn children you made up in your mind).

Maybe things fall apart pretty quickly, you start to feel discouraged and think things like, “This always happens,” or “They’re going to ruin our vacation.”

Your expectation of how things “should” go is different from the everyday, but the behavior struggles and emotional dysregulation are the same. 

Emotional Dysregulation 

When you go on a trip, you’re also taking your kid out of their normal rhythm and routine, so even if it’s really fun the situation will likely cause some stress for them.

Excitement can cause dysregulation. Basically, when our emotions go faster than our nervous system can handle, we get thrown off balance.

Add long lines, bad weather, sitting for long periods of time, sleeping in new places. possible time zone changes and all sorts of new food to the mix, and you’re facing quite a few challenges.

Big Feeling Cycles

Kids cry a lot and have a lot of big feeling cycles, whether you’re at home or on a trip. Their emotions are not on vacation. 

The location or the circumstance isn't what triggers their behavior. It's actually their thoughts and feelings that trigger their behavior. 

Even in what seems like a fun situation, kids can have thoughts that trigger feelings like disappointment, frustration or jealousy, so they end up complaining, pouting or shoving their sibling.

When behaviors come up, many parents are quick to make threats, criticize or overparent in an attempt to get the vacation back on track. But while these approaches might work in the short term, they’re not long-term solutions and may suck even more of the fun out of your vacation.

The tips I’m sharing today are meant to get you out of the command-threat model and help you know how to handle behaviors and situations that come up.

Mindset

Decide what you want to think and feel on your vacation. We often spend a lot of time planning specific activities but don’t take the time to think about what feelings we are chasing. 

Why are you going on this trip? How do you want to feel while you are there? What memories do you want to capture?

Your memories will reflect the way you felt while you were on vacation. You might look back at the pictures and look so happy, but you won't remember feeling happy because you actually weren't.

Here are a few of my favorite thoughts you can borrow to shift your feelings:

• Wow. They’re really immature (and they’re supposed to be).
• They’re really struggling right now.
• This is a temporary moment.
• My kid’s just having some big feelings.
• I really love my children.

Pause When You’re Mad

When you find yourself activated, overwhelmed, angry or frustrated or in any other negative emotion that you don't wanna be feeling on your vacation, I invite you to pause and reset.

You want to reset both the stress response in your body and the thoughts in your mind. 

Move your body to get out some of the stress juice. Take a deep breath, shake your hands, jump up and down, put some lip balm on, stand up or get a drink of water. You can also try putting your hand over your heart as a form of compassion and comfort for yourself. 

To reset my mind, I like to do a mini thought dump. Recognize and validate the emotion you are feeling and the thoughts you have. 

Then think about how you DO want to feel. What do you need to think in order to feel that way? This is the mindset shift.

Be a Flexible Leader

Your leadership is even more important for your family when you’re traveling than when you’re at home. 

As the leader, I want you to feel entitled to change your mind, to decide that maybe something isn't going well and to switch gears. 

It's okay if something doesn't go as planned. It's okay to skip a planned activity or leave early because if you keep your kids well rested, well fed and give them enough big body movement, they're gonna have more ability to regulate themselves at the next adventure or activity. 

Your kid's behavior will improve when you can do this with calm confidence. The kids will feel that the grown-ups around them are in charge and are taking care of things, and this helps them to feel safe. Step into that leadership energy.

Connect Before You Correct

What most parents tend to do when they see misbehavior is to try to fix it, change it, stop it, solve it. 

But misbehavior happens when your kids have some big feelings that they don’t know what to do with. The first step is to look at what emotion might be driving the behavior and address that emotional need.

Make a guess as to what might be going on emotionally. Name the emotion and ask if that’s how they are feeling. Allow them to feel however they are feeling without trying to logic them out of it. 

Then, address the behavior with a limit. “Your feelings make sense. You can’t hit. You’re welcome to keep eating your ice cream as long as you don’t hit.”

Be Ok With Giving Consequences On Vacation

Consequences come as a result of your child’s decision. This is following through on the limit you set. 

For example, you set a limit that you will go down to the pool as long as everyone has their sunblock on in ten minutes. If one of your kids doesn’t have sunscreen on when the timer goes off, they will stay in the room with your partner. 

If they choose to pivot their behavior and put on sunblock, you can offer to help them or let them do it themselves.

Don't add lectures, criticisms, comparisons, bribes, yelling, hurting your kids, rejection or anything else. Losing the swim time or the ice cream or whatever is all that's needed to create the learning moment. 

Traveling with kids does not have to be an endless stream of conflict and grumpy feelings. And conflict and grumpiness are normal. You and your kids are still humans, even when you’re on vacation, and you’ll continue to have a range of emotions. 

Your kids are allowed to feel happy, grumpy, annoyed, delighted, surprised and exhausted. If you can be calm and confident when their big feelings come up, your children will also be calmer.

• Why vacationing with kids doesn’t really feel like a vacation for you (the parent)
• What most parents do first when behaviors come up on vacation (and what to do instead)
• Thoughts you can borrow to shift to towards the feelings that you want
• Examples of limits and consequences on vacation

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

There is a trend in families right now to be more compassionate with their kids. I love it. But compassion is not the same as permission. There’s a big difference, and the two approaches create different results. 

In this episode I’ll explain the difference between compassion and permission in parenting, why you might find yourself slipping into permissive parenting and how to get out of that pattern. 

Behavior is driven by emotion. When your kid misbehaves, they are acting out something that they’re feeling inside. 

There are lots of ways to cope with our feelings, and some of them harm others or ourselves. These harmful coping strategies happen when a person is uncomfortable and doesn’t know what to do with their feelings. They don’t know how to process them in a healthy, safe way.

When we experience and show compassion, we recognize how someone else is feeling and acknowledge that their feeling is valid. 

I believe deeply that we can give our kids the tools of emotional health by helping them name their feelings. When we show up with compassion, we let our kids know that we understand their feelings and help them figure out what to do with them. 

With this trend toward compassion, we’re also seeing a lot of parents who aren’t setting boundaries or following through with any sort of consequences. This is when we cross the line into permissive parenting. 

Often, this happens because parents are simply confused and don’t know what to DO. They get through the feelings part, but then what? They don’t know how to set limits while still validating feelings. They’re not sure how to deliver consequences without shaming their kids. 

You might also feel like you’re being mean for following through on consequences or feel overwhelmed by your kid’s discomfort. Maybe you don’t know how to handle their big feelings. 

Many moms in our society hold themselves to extremely high standards that don’t leave room for you to emotionally regulate yourself, which leads to reactivity in your parenting.

Or you might find yourself giving in because you just want things to feel easier in this moment. But rescuing is a short-term solution, and solving your kid’s problems for them ends up hurting them in the long run. 

If you see yourself in these scenarios, you are not alone! There are strategies you can learn to regulate your own emotions, connect with your child, set clear limits and follow through on consequences without shame and blame.

The antidote to permissive parenting is validating the feelings, not the behavior.

The approach I teach is a feelings-first model, but it is not feelings-only. We address feelings first and behavior second.

When a behavior arises, approach it from a place of curiosity. How is the child feeling? What feeling is driving this behavior?

Narrate what you see, guess at the emotion behind it and validate their feelings. This is where parents often stop with gentle parenting, but the work isn’t done yet.

Next, you talk to your kid about the impact of the behavior and what they can do to make things right (aka consequences).

When there are no consequences, kids don’t feel personally responsible for their own behavior.

The truth is that letting your kid feel the impact of their actions is a good thing. We want our kids to be emotionally healthy AND we want them to be personally responsible and to understand that their behavior has an impact. 

Our kids need to learn to deal with their feelings, recognize that their behavior has an impact on others, and make things right when they make a mistake.

Through this process, they develop a strong self-concept and know that when they make a mistake, they can fix it. 

As compassionate parents, we're gonna validate the emotions. We're gonna set limits and follow through on them. We're gonna be okay with our kids' discomfort. 

And we're gonna take really good care of ourselves so that we have more capacity for compassion. 

In my programs, I teach you how to manage your feelings and know what to do when you’re upset so that you don't lose your shit and feel terrible. 

I teach you how to emotionally coach your kids so they learn how to manage their own feelings. I also teach you to use the Limit Setting Formula and a kind and effective way to follow through on consequences that isn't bribing, threatening, or punishing. 

You can talk to me directly and ask your questions so you get support on the exact behaviors you’re working through in your family. Learn more here.

• The difference between behavior-first and feelings-first models of parenting
• The problem with permissive parenting and why it happens
• Strategies to hold boundaries and deliver consequences in a compassionate way
• Examples of neutral consequences

• Episode 12: When Your Child Is Aggressive: The “Hard No”

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

This episode is coming out on the day of my oldest son’s high school graduation. I’ve been thinking, writing and feeling a LOT of feelings lately. 

And some of what came out was a poem that I’d like to share with you, titled A Very Long Goodbye. You can hear it in the episode or read it on the blog.

My son is about to arrive at the threshold. We’ve been walking this path together for a really long time, and our relationship is about to change. If you are also in this place of transition, this episode is for you.

I like to think about what it means to be an adult as having all the freedom and all the responsibility at the same time.

When kids are little, they don’t have a lot of freedom or responsibility. You have the power and you are taking care of them.

As you parent your kids, you’re teaching them how to be responsible - with their bodies, their physical wellbeing, their social life, their finances and a ton of other practical things.

And as they learn, you slowly give them pieces of freedom. The two are tethered together.

As freedom increases, responsibility also increases. 

When we are parenting a child, we have a lot of control over their environment and circumstances. In the teen years, we start to lose a lot of this control. They begin to make more of their own decisions about what they do and how they show up in the world. 

I like to challenge parents instead of doubling down on trying to regain that control, double down on the relationship with your child. Get to know who they are becoming. That connection is what will be left when they walk through that threshold from childhood to adulthood.

Parenting is a verb. It is the actions we take when we’re raising our kids. The things we do in order to help them learn to handle the responsibility of being an adult. 

We teach our kids with the idea that someday they won’t need us anymore. Ultimately, you should parent yourself out of a job.

Parents sometimes forget that their job of parenting ends when their child becomes an adult. And I think it’s because we confuse the role of parent with the responsibility for parenting.

Adults don’t parent other adults. Soon, life will give consequences to my son, not me.

The tasks of parenting will end. Being a parent will not.

I am a mom. You are a mom. That relationship we have with our kids doesn’t end, even though the act of parenting does.

I sometimes think about being a mom as being invited to be in the front row, the best seat in the house, to the best show on earth, which is your kid's life. It's a privilege, it's an honor. 

And I don't know about you, but I want to continue to have that front row view. We're going to keep showing up. We're going to keep inviting them in.

It's so easy as a parent to see all the areas that our kid isn't performing well or showing up in a good way. But if your adult kid feels like every time they're around you that you're just parenting and teaching and pointing out stuff, it will feel kind of bad. They don’t want to be scrutinized.

They want to be in a relationship with someone who's delighted by them and sees their strengths and all the ways that they are good.

My goal for you is that your kid grows up, and they want to be in a relationship with you because that relationship feels so safe. They feel seen and understood. You unconditionally love and accept who they are.

When everything is said and done, when they walk through that threshold and they step onto the path of their own life, what’s left is the relationship.

Cheers to all of you parents going through transitions right now. I’m in it with you. I’m here for you.

• The relationship between freedom and responsibility
• The difference between parenting and being a parent
• My ultimate goal for you and your kids

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

“Fix it, change it, stop it, solve it” is a phrase I use often in my coaching. When you say it out loud, it captures that feeling we have as parents when our kids behave in a way that leaves us feeling overwhelmed, angry or worried. 

It’s an emotional and physical response to what our kids are doing, and our brain jumps in and tries to fix, change, stop or solve the situation.

The most common time I see parents experience this reaction is during a Big Feeling Cycle. 

When your kid has big feelings, they might express them in ways that are overwhelming to you. 

The tendency is often to try to shut down their behavior. But because that behavior is a reaction to how they’re feeling, we end up shutting down their feelings, too.

The problem with jumping in to fix/change/stop/solve is that you miss an opportunity to connect with your kids and to help them connect with themselves and learn how to process their own negative emotion.

Here are some things I see parents do when they don’t like the way their child is expressing their emotion.

Minimizing. When our kids are upset, we want to say, “Oh honey, it’s not that big of a deal. It’ll work out.” 

This sounds like a nice thing to say, but your child is left feeling like you don’t understand. It feels like a really big deal to them. We want to validate the emotion and acknowledge the intensity of their feelings instead of minimizing it. 

Comparing. This looks like, “This sort of thing happens all the time,” or, “Other kids don’t complain about this,” or “This wasn’t a big deal to your brother.” It happens when you think their feelings aren’t warranted or justified. 

We’re trying to get them to think and feel differently but, again, we’re doing it by shutting down their feelings. 

Ignoring. There might be times when you need to take a break to calm yourself before dealing with a situation. Ignoring is different. 

This is another way of shutting your kid down, and it makes them feel unheard, unfelt, unseen and unvaluable. Your child might think, “Mom only wants to talk to me when I’m happy.”

Talking about their feelings is how they’ll learn to deal with them. 

Weaponizing gratitude. Gratitude is an incredible emotion. I love it. Weaponizing gratitude is when we use it to bypass negative emotion. 

You cannot get rid of sadness by thinking grateful thoughts. We have to feel the sadness (or anger or worry) and acknowledge it before we allow the brain to find another perspective. 

Indulging. Sometimes, you might try to change the circumstance to make your kid feel better. Maybe you tell them they can skip practice or promise to go get ice cream afterwards. 

Instead of letting them feel upset, indulging tries to give them a positive feeling so they forget about the uncomfortable feeling. 

Logic-ing. This looks like giving lots of facts, trying to logic them out of their feelings or explaining why the situation is their fault. 

Facts are facts, but giving people more information doesn’t solve feelings. We can’t think our way to a new feeling. We have to feel our way through it. 

Shutting down. When your emotion (anger, fear, sadness) gets bigger or more intense than your child’s, it’s common to try to shut them down. You have a big reaction to their big feelings. 

This often shows up as yelling or other big noises or movements to try to shift your kid’s behavior. It triggers fear, freeze or faint response or people-pleasing. It might work in the short-term, but it isn’t effective in helping your child become an emotionally healthy and self-regulated person.

What your child actually needs from you is co-regulation. They need help soothing their big feelings. They need somebody to recognize and acknowledge that their feelings are valid.

I know you might be thinking, “Oh no, I do all of these things.” Believe me when I tell you that I am so familiar with them because I’ve done them all myself. 

We do these things with the best of intentions. We want to protect our kids and ourselves. There’s no need for guilt. It’s an opportunity to notice what you are doing and try a different approach.

Here are a few alternate strategies to try. Take them one at a time (not all at once) and see what works. 

Name  it. Help your child name the feeling. This is a huge part of emotional literacy, which is made up of: I know what I’m feeling. I know how to talk about it. I know what to do with the feeling.

Move it. Rhythmic body movement regulates our nervous system. It brings our brain back to balance and lessens the intensity of the emotion.

Show it. Ask your child to act out their feeling. How big is it? They can show you with their  face, their body, on paper or with a toy. This helps take something that feels really complicated on the inside and puts in on the outside.

Describe it. What color is the feeling? Is it heavy? Is it tight? Is it in your belly? Is it sinking? Is it a buzzy feeling? Is it a hot, burning feeling? Is it murky or is it clear? 

Describing feelings using adjectives is incredibly powerful. Then you can play with and manipulate the feeling. Can you change it to a different color? Can you take that tightness and pop it like a balloon?

Distract it. We still want to name and acknowledge the emotion first with this strategy. But sometimes, we just get stuck. We need to go outside, look around, have a snack or a hug to shift gears. 

What I hope you take away from this episode is it's actually good for kids to feel upset and have you be okay with their feelings. 

When they see that you can handle their emotion, they learn that they can handle it, too. That their feelings aren’t scary. Feelings come and go, and it’s not a problem. 

You do not need to fix your kid’s feelings. You only need to acknowledge them.

You’ll Learn:

• How to view your kid’s big feelings as an opportunity instead of a threat
• The question to ask yourself as you move your child through their day
• How to validate feelings in the midst of out-of-bounds behavior
• 5 ways to help your kid manage their big feelings 

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Want to connect?

• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
• Book a free consultation session

We don’t often talk about fun ways of improving behavior, but today’s episode will give you some strategies to do just that. I’m talking all about how to be a more playful parent so that you actually enjoy your kids more.

We also all want to feel connected and create joyful memories with our kids. 

The moments we remember most are the ones that were emotionally charged. The memories aren’t about where you are or what you’re doing. They’re about how you FEEL. 

How do you want to feel this summer? Do you want to feel joy? Delight? Do you want to create memories that are filled with laughter and positive emotions?

If so, you’re going to want to chase play and decide in advance that you want to feel more joy. 

Good memories happen when we are enjoying our kids. when we stop trying to get things done and instead be in the moment and just sit and enjoy something with them.

Being playful doesn’t require that you crawl on the ground playing with cars, dolls or building blocks. If you enjoy doing that, great! If you don’t, it doesn’t mean you can’t be a playful parent.

Being playful is more of an energy. You might be quick to smile, think delightful thoughts about your kids or notice something silly.

As adults, we are so focused on tasks, time and productivity. Kids don’t care about time. 

They only care about play. So if we can bring a little bit more playful emotion and energy into a scenario, it goes a long way.

Supports learning and growth

Through play, kids try and fail. They explore, create and develop mastery. 

If you have a kid who has a tendency toward perfectionism or is a bit more strict with themselves, bringing in a little silliness frees them (and you). They don’t have to do everything “right” because there are no rules in playfulness.

Behavior

We get so serious about behavior sometimes. I talk a lot about limits, boundaries and consequences. But when our goals are for life to be easier, for things to go smoother and to have more joy and fun in our lives, play is a great way to do it.

When you’re playful, you’re close and in connection with your kid. It makes them feel safer and in a better mood. 

Processing negative emotions

Play is also helpful for releasing emotional distress for some kids. It isn’t about discounting their feelings, but more about testing to see if they’re open to a smile or a giggle. 

Playfulness can be the release valve that turns tears into laughter, which is also a great way to process negative emotion.

Attention

When you’re playful, it naturally brings your kid’s attention to you, which gives you an opportunity to set your limit or say whatever it is you want them to hear. 

Your kids are craving for you to play with them. They are craving your joy. They're craving your delight. They can't wait to see you at the end of the school day. They want your eyeballs on them.

We love being in connection with our people, and our kids want that, too.

Follow giggles and smiles

Notice when your kids are smiling or giggling and come alongside and join in that playful energy. 

Be exaggerated

It’s hard not to smile when you see someone being goofy. Singing, pretending to fall, pretending they’re really strong or doing a silly dance are all great ways to make kids giggle (or roll their eyes if they’re a little older 🙄).

We want to watch the line here so we don’t cross over into mocking. But you can join in with them in a funny voice, going alongside their emotion and making it a little lighter. The key is to be attuned to their emotions and whether or not they want to engage in this way. 

Simon Says

This is a great one to move your morning or evening along. Remember that the goal of these games is connection and positive emotion between you and your kid, not manipulating them into compliance.

Simon Says is also a great attention grabber once your child is familiar with it. Kids get really distracted, and this can help bring them back to what they’re supposed to be doing. 

Freeze Tag

Run around and play tag. If you get tagged, you have to freeze for 5 or 10 seconds.

Walk Like a ______

Call out an animal for kids to move like on their way to the bathroom or wherever you want them to go.

Gamify Everyday Things

A few examples of this are, “Hey everybody, let’s see if we can beat this song - Finish breakfast and get our socks and shoes on before the song ends!” 

Or, “Yesterday, you put your shoes on in 20 seconds. Let’s see if you can do 18 today!”

Mystery item

Put some items on a tray and cover them up. Have kids take turns guessing. They can hide items for you, too.

Love notes

Write a little love note or draw a heart on a slip of paper and casually drop it as you walk by. This is a great way to create appreciation, love and gratitude.

Pillow “fights”

Pillow fights or stuffed animal fights can be a great way to get some of that big body movement out before bed. 

Kid sandwich or burrito

Imagine a sandwich with pillows or cushions for bread and a kid in the middle. For a burrito, wrap them up in a blanket and gently roll them back and forth. 

This little bit of compression can really help release emotional tension in their body, too.

Let them be the boss

Ask your child to be in charge of where everybody sits at the dinner table tonight or where everything goes on the table. Reverse roles for a little while and let them play pretend.

We’ve all had those moments where a game is no longer fun or playful, either for you or for one of your kids. 

I want you to feel, as the parent, that you have the freedom to set some boundaries around the play. For example, “We can only play this game if everybody's having fun. It doesn't look like sister’s having fun anymore.” 

Or you can shift gears and say, “We can do this for one more minute, and then time’s up.”

Having to shift from play into a leadership energy doesn’t mean that playtime was ruined or that it wasn’t effective. And you don’t have to wait until things get out of hand. 

Notice if you're not having fun anymore or if it starts to feel off, and make a plan to end it and move on to something else. 

Playfulness looks different for different ages, but a smile goes a long way no matter how old your kids are. 

The goal is to have a little bit of lightness in your relationship and bring as much delight as you can into your life. Go give it a try!

• The difference between playing with kids and being playful
• Benefits of playfulness - for your kids and for you
• How to shift into emotional coaching when your kid is not in the mood for play
• 11 ways to be a more playful parent

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Want to connect?

• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
• Book a free consultation session

On this episode of Become A Calm Mama, we’re going beyond the problems with modern motherhood from last week’s episode and into the details of parenting on your own terms. 

There is a lot of pressure to fit into society’s expectations, but the way we’re told to measure performance in motherhood can actually be harmful to our kids and to us as moms. 

The goal isn’t to “perform” as a mom or to prove to others that you’re a “good” mom. This is what leads us to burnout, overwhelm and guilt.

Instead, I want to help you prioritize your child's emotional health, focus on building strong relationships with them and create a family and community that aligns with your values. 

There is a lot of fear and worry in parenting. Things like…

I don't want my kid to grow up and not like me, not like themselves or not be liked by others.

I don’t want my kid to not know how to be in the world or how to be successful. 

My kid isn’t going to be okay.

To alleviate our fears, we often try to do everything “right”.

We think that if we do everything perfectly, our kids won't experience pain or discomfort. They won't have any negative experiences, and you will have done your job as a mom. 

But that's not how the world works. You cannot prevent pain or discomfort. 

Your job as a parent is to give your kids the tools to navigate negative emotions and negative circumstances when (not if) they happen. 

And one of the best ways we can do this is by letting them know they’re okay exactly as they are.

Rather than parenting from fear, let’s parent from a place of leadership. 

The first step to parenting on your own terms is deciding for yourself what is important to you.

I frame my parenting experience in terms of three goals:

1. My kids’ emotional health and wellbeing
2. My relationship with my kids
3. My own mental and emotional wellbeing

So when I make parenting decisions or decisions about how we spend our resources (i.e. time, money and energy), I always look at them through these three lenses. 

There are times that I’ve had to drop some expectations on fitting in or showing up in a certain way in order to protect my kids’ emotional health or my relationship with them or my own mental wellbeing. 

Sometimes, this looks selfish from the outside.

But it also allows me to go back to what matters to our family. The goals I’ve chosen for myself help me to look at a situation and ask, “Where are my kids right now, and what do they need help and support with?” 

There are all these external ways that society judges our performance as moms. Things like your kids getting good grades, being kind to everyone, dressing well, being athletic, creative or funny.

These are things that society and our communities value. The reward is fitting in, being able to obtain resources and favors and connections because we (and our kids) show up in a way that is socially acceptable. 

And if you don’t perform in these ways, there is a cost.

The fear of not being accepted or our kids not being accepted brings up major insecurities, and it can feel really scary to choose our goals over these social norms because we may not be accepted.

The problem is that when you work really hard at earning that social capital and acceptance, you put a lot of pressure on yourself and on your kids to perform at a certain level.

We’re afraid of how our kids’ emotional health will be affected by not being accepted. But true emotional wellbeing is internal. It comes from deep self love. 

What your child really needs from you is to feel unconditional acceptance from their parent. Inoculate them from social harm by giving them the belief that they are okay exactly as they are.

When you find yourself comparing your kid to some standard in your head, it is an opportunity to pause, reset and reframe back to your standards and what is important to you.

The underlying message we’re trying to avoid giving our kids is that they have to conform in order to be acceptable. They need to change in order for people to like them. They need to be better in order to be worthy.

And if we don’t want our kids to get that message, we have to get rid of it for ourselves, too.

It requires us to heal and gives us the opportunity to work out some of our own insecurities. 

In our society, women are rewarded for being sacrificial. We are given social capital if we show up in this way. 

And, unfortunately, we sometimes have to choose to give up some of this social credit or validation in order to gain emotional health. But taking care of your own wellbeing is the way you teach your kids to take care of themselves.

You get to decide what's most important to you as a mom, and you get to make decisions based on those things. 

And yes, there might be some cost to it, but in the long term, the best thing you can give your child is that they like themselves. And you can give them that gift.

• *The challenges of societal pressures and expectations in parenting
• *How to redefine success in parenting
• *Some of my favorite thought shifts and mindset tricks to come back to what’s most important

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Want to connect?

• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress
• Book a free consultation session