Asking For A Friend – Details, episodes & analysis

Here we are again – the end of another wonderful season of Asking for a Friend. Yet again, I’m in awe of the experts and guests I’ve had the privilege of speaking to and thrilled with the topics I’ve been able to share with you.

This season I’ve wanted to cover a range of topics that we need to be speaking more about, understanding better and particularly, a lot of topics I wish we would normalise and share more openly on.

In this season’s final episode, I answer the following questions:

1) I get super wet. Sometimes I get shy about it. Is it normal? I know men love it but I worry.

2) I never want sex anymore, what can I do to change this?

3) Are sex toys degrading towards men?

4) I struggle with pain during sex. I can use tampons and worked with a physio to manage this on my own but as soon as a man comes near me, I freak out. Why can’t I get over this?

5) I want to become a sexologist… how do I do this? I’m in my first year at university studying.

I can’t wait for some very exciting content coming your way soon. Keep an eye out for what’s next on Asking for a Friend.

This week’s episode is sponsored by & Bam. Erectile Dysfunction can be awkward to talk about, and this makes it hard to treat. &BAM connects you with a doctor and, if suitable, ships prescription treatment plans discreetly to your door. Stop whispering erectile dysfunction at the pharmacy counter.

Forget everything you think you know about sexual desire and listen up! What you've heard or been taught about sexual desire is most likely all wrong... and my guest and our conversation this week are here to change your experience of sex for the better!

If there’s someone to learn from about the science of sexual desire, it’s Dr Kristen Mark. She’s a prolific researcher and academic, who’s published and taught extensively on the topic, among other areas in the field of sexual health. She is a behavioural health scientist with an academic background in psychology and public health, and a research interest in sexuality and romantic relationships. She is a professor at the University of Minnesota Medical School and the Director of Education in the Institute for Sexual and Gender Health, within the Department of Family Medicine and Community Health. She is also an Affiliate Research Faculty member at the Kinsey Institute. She is a widely published author and speaker, and is a wealth of knowledge on the topic of sexual desire!

In this episode, Kristen and I delve into the truth of sexual desire; one which is pretty far from what we get taught, get told or see on screens. Understanding that differences in desire is normal between partners could in fact protect for your relationship!

Check out more of Kristen’s work here: http://www.kristenmark.com

This week’s episode is sponsored by My Sexual Health – Credible Sexual Health Providers. Mysexualhealth.co.za is an online destination where you can find or become a Credible Sexual Health Provider.

The My Sexual Health Sexology Starter Pack includes 20 (yes, TWENTY!) value-packed sexual health courses that will transform the way you support your patient’s sexual health needs. Check out this episode for a major discount to the Sexology Training Club.

Laurie is a highly experienced ASSECT certified sex therapist and the co-host of the chart-topping podcast, Foreplay Radio Sex Therapy. I’ve admired Laurie’s work for many years and long before I had a podcast of my own, I was sharing her podcast with my clients or colleagues because it is a gold mine of knowledge! She’s also an author, speaker, has featured in media from the New York Times to Huffington Post, and offers weekend retreats for couples in North Carolina.

With her focus in emotion focused therapy (EFT), Laurie beautifully details how common patterns between partners, that of the withdrawer and the pursuer, can play out sexually. Anyone who’s ever had a sexual partner should listen to this, as I have no doubt that you’ll learn more than think you can about yourself and your sexual style.

You can find out more about Laurie here: https://awakeningscenter.org/therapists/laurie-watson

Foreplay Radio sex therapy, the podcast she co-hosts with couple’s therapist George Faller, is consistently in the top 10 on iTunes.

This week's episode is sponsored by Desir, South Africa's leading sexual health and wellness brand. Desir believes that sexual health is not just about the latest sex toy, but about using products to improve one’s overall sexual health and wellbeing. For 15% off at www.desir.co.za, use the code FORAFRIEND.

How on earth did that happen? Season 3 of Asking for a Friend is done and dusted!
I’ve had the privilege of speaking to yet another 11 amazing people, who’ve spoken to me about everything from sex and stress, to mindfulness, period poverty and how to have extraordinary sex. I’ve learnt a fortune from my guests this season and I hope you have too.

As always, I end the season with a Q&A of some question you’ve sent to me over the past few months. Today’s episode addresses the following:
1) What impact do contraceptions have on libido? Are they linked to anxiety?
2) What is the difference between intimacy and sex? Isn’t sex enough when it comes to intimacy?
3) How do we recreate closeness since we are always together since the pandemic began?
3) I feel very unconfident in bed after coming out of a 4 year relationship (he’s the only guy I’ve slept with) and I constantly worry about how someone else will find me in bed. Help!

I’ll be back in early 2022 with a brand new season and more incredible guests, speaking to topics we need to talk more openly and easily about.

Sadly, I think most people think that great sex equate to sex X times a week or when sex is novel and varied (perhaps by using multiple toys or positions)… but this could not be further from the truth. And don’t we all want to have extraordinary sex? Obviously yes!

Who better to speak to about this than the global leader on this topic, none other than the prolific Prof Peggy Kleinplatz. Peggy is a professor of Medicine and a Clinical Professor of Psychology at the University of Ottawa. She teaches Human Sexuality at the University of Ottawa, and is their Director of Sex and Couples Therapy Training. She is also a clinical psychologist. She is considered prolific in the field of sexual health research; being a highly respected and accomplished clinician, her work on optimal sexual experiences is not only exciting but ground-breaking too.

You can read up on Peggy’s work here: www.optimalsexualexperiences.com

Her book, “Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers” is a must read!

If you struggle with sexual pain, a major concern when seeking treatment is if you will have another experience with another healthcare professional where you feel broken, traumatised or shamed (this is so common and upsetting that I am conducting research on it in order to help health care professionals do better). And so in this week’s episode I’m covering what SHOULD happen in a medical assessment, so that you can empower yourself when you start your journey to recovery.

In my opinion, if there’s one person globally who you would want to talk to to learn from or get treated by, it’s my guest this week. She is none-other than my friend and mentor, Dr Elna Rudolph. Elna is a South Africa sexologist and medical doctor who has been working in the field of sexual health since 2010. She founded South Africa’s leading multidisciplinary team, My Sexual Health, and the training platform, The Sexology Training Club. She is the president of the Southern African Sexual Health Association (SASHA), and has just been appointed as the new president of the World Association of Sexual Health (WAS). She is loved and hugely respected by anyone who meets her, and goes above and beyond for not only her patients and colleagues, but to advance the field of sexual health in a direction of inclusivity, sexual justice and sexual rights for all.

You can find out the practice Elna started here: www.my sexual health.co.za

If you want to improve your knowledge or skills in sexual health, sign up with the Sexology Training Club here, using my discount code BOFFARD for a discount: www.sexologycourses.com

It’s been scientifically proven that consistent mindfulness practice can actually improve your sex life (and most other areas of your life as well) – isn’t that just amazing! But the issue is that most people don’t really have a clear understanding of what mindfulness is, often get frustrated with the practice and tell themselves that they “aren’t good at it” or they “don’t have time.”

To explain to you just how powerful this practice can be, I chatted to Dr Lori Brotto, a clinical psychologist, author and researcher in Canada, who is considered the world’s leading expert on the subject. Lori and I take a deep dive into just how useful mindfulness can be for your sexual experience. Mindfulness, the act of paying attention to the present moment, moment-by-moment, without judgement is not supposed to be easy. It can help us manage our emotions and improve our ability to connect with our bodies. We also delve into the difference between compassion and complacency – a concern so many people express when I talk about using mindfulness to change one’s relationship with sex.

Dr Brotto practices in British Columbia, Canada and is a faculty member of the University of British Columbia. Her best selling book, “Better sex through mindfulness” is in my top 10 books I’ve ever read!

I call myself an attachment theory nerd all the time. I love this psychological theory and how it clearly helps us make sense of adult romantic relationships.

Attachment theory relates to the type of attachments we have to our primary care givers growing up (usually our parents), which can predict what sort of relationship dynamics we might be experience as adults. The more insecure we are as children, the more we struggle as adults and vice versus.

Dr Stan Tatkin is a world-leading voice in couples therapy and human behaviour. He is a therapist, teacher, author, researcher and developed PACT – a psychobiological approach to couples therapy. His books are best-sellers across the world, and I often recommend them to my clients and colleagues.

Stan is on Instagram @drstantatkin
His website, https://www.thepactinstitute.com, is full of useful resources for clinicians and couples.

It almost feels cruel that women experience a ‘Benjamin Button’ effect as we age – from adolescence when our bodies develop and hormones kick into action, to the menopause mid-life when hormonal levels decrease and impact our body. But it’s not supposed to be the ‘end of your womanhood’ or your sex life, as I discuss with my guest this week.

Prof Trudy Smith is one of the most highly regarded physicians in the field of obstetrics and gynaecology; both locally and internationally. And she has does extensive work and research around the menopause – the time after a woman’s last menstrual period (usually around the age of 49-51).

Trudy and I discuss several aspects of this stage of a woman’s life, including early menopause, what to do when you are in the menopause, and why Japanese women are known to have almost no menopausal symptoms. We obviously discuss how sex is affected by the menopause, and actually, that it can be liberating sexually rather than the myth that it’s the ‘end of your sex life’.

Prof Smith consults with only gynaecology patients in Johannesburg, after recently given up obstetrics after many years.

This is one of the topics that I get asked about the most, and in this week’s episode I spoke to Clare Bourne about how to prepare for and manage sex pre and post-partum. Clare is a London-based pelvic health physiotherapist and mum of 2. Having pregnancy and postnatal experience personally, Clare knows what a precious but also vulnerable, and sometimes lonely, experience it can be.

Our journey is not all the same, and it’s important as someone who’s giving/given birth to recognise this. There’s so much information out there and too much thinking about what we “should” be feeling. Clare and I delve into how to be ok with what’s happening to you and your body, and how to prepare for changes that inevitably take place. Talking to Clare was a breath of fresh air. She speaks to honestly and clearly about what women can really experience around their bodies, births and sex.

She’s amazing to follow on Instagram @clarebournephysio
In the episode, we mention the amazing brand Yes organics @yesorganics