In the interest of finding George more queer social time, we went to Folsom Street Fair and Salt Lake City, and yes we have recovered from the whiplash. Then we hosted the queers to help a friend with a construction project.

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One recurring theme in the ten year's we've been in your ears has been the recurring difficulties accessing testosterone. These difficulties are familiar to most trans folks on any form of HRT, and now George has been struggling to also access mental health treatment meds after an insurance snafu.

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George recounts the experience of traveling to, and recovering from, his fourth surgery.

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Many trans folks struggle to engage with their sense of adulthood when their adolescence was full of the "wrong" milestones. Many folks who grew up with trauma struggle to fully experience their sense of adulthood when they were engaging with responsibilities much earlier than many of their peers. We, as parents, struggle with both of these challenges while also trying to raise future adults.

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When we scheduled our holiday celebrations early, we expected to be done with holiday stress early... which means we can get back to our normal un-holiday stress. George is preparing to go to the gynecologist, and that has caused him to pay more attention to other trans guys' online discussions of body dysphoria.

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George got his blood work, and with fewer moments of cringe than last time. Then he got an email that made his blood boil, but he is on "vacation" right now (using up leave time before it dissolves at year-end) so he's got time to chill.

Strongbad Emails are from the website Homestar Runner, at https://homestarrunner.com/.

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Festivus is almost a month away, but we have some grievances to air. George's testosterone is still difficult to obtain, then he got postal mail for his deadname from a university he attended NOT under that deadname. Jess has hard side-eye for Discovery's writers about unburying their queers again, and also for the "catering" service that didn't bother to heat their food before handing it off for Thanksgiving.

Picture is unrelated at knowyourmeme.com/memes/picture-unrelated.

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Between Child#2's quarantine after potential COVID-19 exposure, and George's experience processing ballots for the election, life keeps moving along as George keeps noticing other short guys with less-angular features.

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As George was considering a potential promotion opportunity, he was also considering how his still-new-and-strange male privilege affected that prospective interview. Jess, on the other other hand, was considering how being out about their genderqueer status would make office interactions different in a potentially emotionally charged situation. We're both still working remotely, so that adds another layer of oddity to the entire situation, but we're making the best of it as we are able.

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Going to the doctor for "preventative maintenance" is usually a good idea, whether it's the flu shot or the gynecologist. Voting is also good "preventative maintenance" for our government, it doesn't solve all the problems but it can help prevent more problems.

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George got some feedback on his self-introduction coming-out, and Jess sat thru a racial equity training at work. These experiences made us think about our own social and political leanings, how they became what they are, how we instill our values in our children, and how those values contrast with the smallish town we live in.

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A few weeks ago (Episode #310), we discussed George's preparation for his "all about me" presentation in his weekly meeting, at which he would come out as trans to his colleagues. Today, we recap that experience.

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With three working adults in our household, we are privileged to each have a car. But when all three cars break down at the same time, of course they picked the time for which Jess' hysterectomy was scheduled.

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We get into the actual medical preparations for George's upcoming surgery, and then run away from home for a weekend to try to enjoy ourselves with fewer responsibilities for a couple days.

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George has wanted, for a while now, to be more "out" at work. Recently a teambuilding activity was introduced that may provide him the opportunity, but an overthinker like him still struggles with making it happen.

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Testosterone HRT has been known to thicken the blood, and George's hematocrit numbers are up. Jess is getting their hysterectomy, and also needs to manage their bloodwork, especially since their IUD hormones lowered their "good cholesterol" HDL. COVID-19 is making everything harder, and Jess' surgery is scheduled for the first week of school, but we'll muddle through like we always do.

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How do we help our child, who struggles to understand abstract concepts, realize that we won't like things just because they're about The Queers™? And when his other mom (who disappeared a year ago, after accusations of abuse didn't work out how she'd hoped) makes herself known again, how do we respond? And how do we help any other human ever, recognize the difference between fault and responsibility? Hard questions require ridiculous and horrible coping humor. And maybe answers. But definitely humor.

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When will we go back to work in our offices? Will George's change in Testosterone dose help his mood and functioning? When will our kids go back to school? Why does George's blood test show decreased kidney functioning? Is our new neighbor queer? So much uncertainty, but talking about it helps with the anxiety of it.

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When new descriptive terms are championed by marginalized populations, the lifespan of those words is unknown. Eventually many of those words, however, become victims of the culture of marginalization and outlive their usefulness. Whether it's the change in language around ethnic minorities, gender and sexual minorities, or disability communities, it's important to be responsive to those changes to be respectful of the members of those populations. In other news, George's blood work indicates that he should increase his testosterone dosage, but getting to, and through, that blood work has been a challenge.

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We believe that Black Lives Matter. Special needs parenting in a pandemic is somewhat prohibitive of attending marches or protests, so it's an odd feeling to be supportive from afar this round. That odd feeling, combined with the other oddities of our daily lives in quarantine, has caused George some strange stress dreams and given us cause to have discussions about our relationship that we've never needed to have before.

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Many studies have shown that working from home can be more productive than at centralized locations like an office. Lately, lots of folks have been multi-tasking while working from home, and when we had an appliance repair that needed doing, George thought he'd be able to manage it without any trouble. The universe thought differently.

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Because George is a civil servant, he is still working, even when gender makes things weird. Much of his job can be provided remotely, while simultaneously parenting and managing a challenging child's distance learning, but occasionally he does need to go to a place to do a thing. And of course, one place he had to go was a place where COVID-19 was confirmed just days thereafter.

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Bob has a slightly smaller moustache than Sir Didymus, but the resemblance stands.

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"A case of the Mondays" is the fictional ailment one might experience in an office job upon returning from a weekend. So why do George's Mondays seem longer now that he's working from home?

The Pronouns Song that Jess referenced can be found at youtube.com/watch?v=8Hb30PE1xgo.

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It's George's 7th Manniversary! We talked about how things have changed over the past decade, as his hormones have changed, his body has changed, his brain has changed, and the way others perceive him has changed.

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While G is preparing to leave for surgery, once again, we are making sure to prepare, as much as possible, everything for which he is responsible. This means managing a kid, an aunt, and various doctor appointments for the both of us.

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Some months back, we thought it might be fun to plan something for our 300th episode. In the meanwhile, a global pandemic has basically cancelled all plans. George has been on testosterone for almost seven years, but survived an estrogen-dominated body and social standing for decades prior, so it still catches him off guard sometimes to be perceived as male, whether by others or by himself.

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While quarantined with a small human, George got to work mostly from home. Jess didn't, but they were only a little put out by it. Not only did Child#2's other mom decide to show back up after half a year starting drama again, but the boy decided to express curiosity about George's genitals. For previous notable instances of the "Dick Patrol", see Episode 100 and Episode 262.

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Reality is, some people are transgender. But what that means to each trans person is highly subjective. We discussed the way our gender affects the ways we interact with one another and the world, how we live up to social norms and cultural expectations, and how we sometimes choose not to.

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We went to Gallifrey One, as we do every year in February. We help out some behind the scenes, and pay attention to the ways the LGBTQIA+ community is welcomed into the con. Between bringing the pronoun ribbons, parenting from afar, noticing women having apprehensive reactions to George's (cis-passing but intentionally visibly trans) masculinity, and Jess noticing others' reactions to the gender-affirming bathroom signage, a queer time was had by all.

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It often strikes George as slightly odd, how folks treat him now, compared to how they treated him prior to transition. It strikes him as downright bizarre, however, the excessively gendered ways in which they reinforce the genderedness of those interactions, especially after having had them pointed out. Whether it's at work, or at his endocrinologist, or at Jess' surgery, binary-minded cisgender people are weird.

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Sometimes we have time and energy to devote to gender- and transition-related topics. Sometimes we have time and energy to use on our own personal development and enrichment. Other times, things like parenting take up all of our cognitive bandwidth. And with the challenges we've been experiencing recently, that parenting thing has gotten somewhat overwhelming.

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George has mentioned before that he suffers from depression, which is slightly more common among members of the LGBTQIA+ community, although the degree of prevalence and correlation varies according to supportiveness of family and community. We discussed his experiences as both a patient and practicing clinician in the mental health industry, the strategies he employs to lessen symptoms when depression worsens, and as the overlap between his gender dysphoria and his depression.

Note that George often refers to his gender dysphoria by only the word "dysphoria", which does have other psychological meanings related to depression or mental illnesses. In this discussion, he is referring specifically to the discomfort and distress related to the incongruity between his gender identity and his sex assigned at birth.

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Everyone has expectations of what their journey through adolescence will be like, and what the adult outcomes will be. For those of us who experience more than one puberty, we have more awareness of our prior expectations as we began our second adolescence. George explains what he thought would happen, and we discuss how that compares with what actually happened.

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No, not "Be Best". That's hypocritical nonsense. George's gender is not hypocritical, and it's the most bestest thing in his whole world. Even with a trip to Chicago TARDIS, and seeing old friends, and getting deadnamed, and dealing with some of the more negative aspects of masculinity, transition is still his most best thing.

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Jess is feeling some kind of way after TDOR, and not quite ready for Thanksgiving, so George reminds them of all the things we have to be thankful for.

We referenced: - Gerry Brooks' "Teacher Spouse" bits, see one at facebook.com/watch/?v=837088456500750 - How we decided to put bizarre lawn ornaments in our yard, at transpantastic.net/2016/12/broken-string-all-gone.html

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George wanted to take Child#2 on a spring break road trip, and Cousin Vinnie needed to get out of town to escape work for a while, so they took George's car and visited some fish, George's metamour, and Death Valley.

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We have had some really strangely gendered interactions lately, and the only explanation we can come up with is that the cis are not okay. From George's clients to Jess' colleagues, cisgender folks focus on their own genders in ways we find baffling, and police our gender in ways that are just annoying.

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Is George having an easier time getting broken things fixed as a guy, than he would have before? And why do we have so freaking many broken things? George got a new prescription for the higher-concentration testosterone, and one week of lower-concentration testosterone clearly made him irritable again, so between all the broken things, and naughty kids, he's having a heck of a time.

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It still catches George off guard, on occasion, when he is treated like "just some dude". He wasn't raised with male socialization, so he still catches himself confused about expectations, even six years into transition. But observing other men, who were raised as male, and the disregard they seem to have had for others, makes both of us glad he knows what it's like to lack that privilege.

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Some weeks back, George's HRT prescription was changed from 200mg/ml to 100mg/ml, basically doubling the dose to achieve the same amount of a more diluted testosterone shot. It wasn't ideal, but it was the option available to him at the time. But in the intervening weeks, he has been more irritable, and irritability can be a side effect of HRT. Is the testosterone making him cranky, or is it just the unrelenting nonsense?

The podcast we referenced is a Hidden Brain episode called "All The World's A Stage - Including The Doctor's Office", and it can be found at https://www.npr.org/2019/04/29/718227789/all-the-worlds-a-stage-including-the-doctor-s-office.

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We can be found online at TransPanTastic.net, you can email us at TransPanTastic@gmail.com, and "TransPanTastic" is searchable on most social networks. We would love to hear from you, so let us know what you think or what you want to hear about!

The last time George took Child#2 to scout camp, he was very newly transitioned, and understandably concerned about how his trans status would affect the experience. George is planning to take Child#2 to scout camp again soon. Are the boy scouts more manageable than the cub scouts? Will his trans status be a problem this time?

• Episode #125 - "Hey Mom! It Works!! (Scout Camp, Part 1)"
• Episode #126 - "Eight Slices of Pizza (Scout Camp, Part 2)"

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Everyone has a personal reality, and it's much easier to function in the world if your own reality is at least similar to the reality of those around you. In Episode 78, George discussed how good it was to have someone validating that his reality was congruent with actual reality. Today we revisited that topic, discussing the realities of transition, coparenting with a toxic person, our kids' educational needs, and accessing healthcare as a nonbinary, fat, pseudo-femme person.

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When George got his drivers license changed back in 2013, he needed a doctor's note and had two options. Many states are new increasing their number of options for documentation of gender, and Jess is finally getting their license changed too, with significantly fewer barriers to access. Now that they have an accurate identity document, how many other records will they be able to change, and will that initiative to make their own changes affect the larger system of recordkeeping statewide?

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When George took Child#2 to the therapist this week, he made sure to address his supposed fears regarding gender as discussed last episode. Aside from some confusion that his other mom had likely caused by over-explaining in words and concepts that are above his cognitive level, he wasn't actually scared about gender. He was, however, using that as an attention-getting tactic with his other mom to cover for his fears regarding her physical and mental health.

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We knew that George's ex was going to start trouble again. Just like she will again after that, and again after that, in an unending cycle of attention-seeking false accusations until the child we coparent is grown, and probably even a few attempts thereafter. But what we didn't expect, was the issue she'd pick to make trouble over this time. Transgender parents often have to worry about custody concerns because of their transition, and we thought we'd dodged that bullet. We were wrong.

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We went to San Francisco for Pride, but skipped Pride. Instead, we attended Trans March and Dyke March, and enjoyed ourselves on Cousin Vinnie's boat. Trans March was wonderful, Dyke March was super, and the houseboat was quite pleasant, but we also had Child#2 to manage, and that always makes things a little more challenging.

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George's endocrinologist is changing offices, Child#2 needs various healthcare documentation to prepare for disabled adulthood, and Jess is trying to access endocrinology services at the gender clinic, all while we attempt to get ready for George's next stage of surgery.

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What do we like about each other? Why are we still happy together after almost a decade? What is it about Jess that makes George's time and effort worthwhile? What is it about George that keeps Jess coming back home every night?

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Communication is integral to a functioning relationship and a lasting marriage. After almost a decade together, you'd think we'd have figured out how to effectively discuss relational things like food, chores, or sex. And after six years of transition, you'd think we'd be able to successfully deal with things like HRT and sex. On both of these counts, you'd be wrong.

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There have been intermittent shortages of various types of HRT in the past year or so, and when George had to refill his most recent prescription he had a heck of a time trying to get what he needed.

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