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We are continuing to look at Couples Counselling to 'Repair' the Sex, Porn, Love Addiction relationship damage. Let's focus on 'Communication'.
"The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them." — Ralph Nichols.
Communication is way more than words that come out of mouths. Do you enter conversations to be understood or is it to understand. Very different styles and approach?
Communication is like a bicycle wheel. Picture the two of you riding along the road to your destination, but not getting very far because both wheels on your tandem bicycle are buckled. You will get to your destination, but not very fast and it is taking more effort to cover the distance.
Now let’s remove one of the bicycle wheels and take a look at what we have in front of us. We can view the hub in the middle and call it 'communication'. The hub needs to be tight and work well, because attached to it are the spokes. The spokes are various life issues that we all face. Life will throw up lots of stuff that we have to deal with.
Those spokes or life issues can be negotiated around and got over much better by the two of you where the hub (communication) is tight and working well for the two of you. How do we tighten the hub so that it keeps the spokes tightly attached to it and stop the wheel warping and hindering progress?
The intention is to tighten up the hub so that when communication is working much better for the two of you, both of you can better tackle life's issues.
There is a difference between Men & Women! Men really are from Mars and women are from Venus.
Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.
British Podcast Awards 2025: Would you consider voting for this Podcast? https://www.britishpodcastawards.com/voting
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.
Episode Keywords: sex addiction, addicted, sex counseling, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, sex addiction recovery, therapist, therapy, talk show, sex therapy, podcast, sobriety, counseling, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, relationship therapy, couples therapy, sex therapist, online counseling, emdr therapy, emdr, sex therapy, addiction, conflict management, love addiction, love addiction therapy, behavior, marriage, marriage advice, psychology, codependency, sex life, neuroscience, sex ed, sober, sobriety, sexual dysfunction, relationship issues, sex coach, sexual, sexual trauma, trauma, brain, sex science, The Sex Porn Love Addiction Podcast, biology, gender, Gary McFarlane
Human beings have a life cycle. Let’s take a look. (The last two stages are not governed by age). Infant (Birth to 2 years): Changes in schedules, bedtime, routines new people around - can cause anxiety during this phase. Child (3 to 9 years): Social skills are developing, particularly from interaction with other children. Separation anxiety is visible as children begin school attendance. Adolescent (10 to 19 years): Peer pressure, romantic relationships and independent identity take place during this period of puberty. Young adult (20 to 29 years): College, first job, relationship/marriage, children, buying first house are significant events and is a period where all these stressors and assaults on equilibrium will manifest. Adult (30 to 39 years): Career development, relationship/marriage growth, children - are stressors during this period of increased responsibilities.
Middle age (40 to 60 years): Signs of the aging process impacting lifestyle choices; menopause, children leaving home, peak in career, grandchildren arriving – take a toll on mental and physical health.
Independent old age (Age 60 onward): Increasing signs of aging and lifestyle choices, retirement, health issues, impact wellbeing and quality of life.
Dependent old age (Optional stage): Sense of dependency on others impacts ability to enjoy life. End of Life: Recognition of end of life approaching and what that means
Adult (30 to 39) is a good time to be actively repairing the couples relationship, despite the stressors and assaults. Emotional Bank Accounts is just one of the repair tools.
Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.
British Podcast Awards 2025: Would you consider voting for this Podcast? https://www.britishpodcastawards.com/voting
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.
Episode Keywords: sex addiction, addicted, sex counseling, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, sex addiction recovery, therapist, therapy, talk show, sex therapy, podcast, sobriety, counseling, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, relationship therapy, couples therapy, sex therapist, online counseling, emdr therapy, emdr, sex therapy, addiction, conflict management, love addiction, love addiction therapy, behavior, marriage, marriage advice, psychology, codependency, sex life, neuroscience, sex ed, sober, sobriety, sexual dysfunction, relationship issues, sex coach, sexual, sexual trauma, trauma, brain, sex science, The Sex Porn Love Addiction Podcast, biology, gender, Gary McFarlane
At the beginning of the couples therapy session, I like to ask a first question - 'How did you guys meet?' Telling the story will reveal the greater truth about where the couple are at in the conflict. Has the loving got snuffed out or is there a glimmer of light that may still be turned up.
Is there a split agenda? Are there ulterior motives for one or both turning up for counselling? Has the conflict become entrenched and each dug in for a war of attrition?
We can teach our brains to say the right think, that we are expected to say, but often that is not the full truth! Just like the reply to the question - 'How are you doing?' - evokes a knee jerk automatic answer - 'I am fine thank you'.
Body language will give a more truthful answer as to where the couple are at and more accurately represent what is really going on in the heart.
Telling the story of 'how did you meet' - will give a helpful calibration of where the couple are at and the nature of the work to follow, because of the toll the conflict has taken, before they sought help. As human beings, we tend to push it too far before reaching out for the help that we knew that we needed long ago.
At The Kairos Centre, we use less 'Talk Therapy' and more sculpting with representative visual objects, to get to what the heart is really saying. It really is 'a heart thing'. The heart tends to tell the truth, if you can get to it.
We get to it at The Kairos Centre. Then we know how to move forward with the work of counselling - with truth as the focus - not unconscious half-truths!
Journey with us to reclaim your life, bring colour to life, without shame.
Core Emotional Needs, such as Approval, Attention, Security, Respect (and more) get depleted over time and as human beings, getting them met, and kept topped up, is not optional. We will consciously, but mostly unconsciously Fight/Flight/Freeze in order to get them met.
They desire to be met. You are in danger zone for Acting out, as a way to fulfil those needs - temporarily. Yet, temporarily (at the time), is good enough and promises a fix.
Fight may take the form of passive-aggressive. You are out of sort with a partner and you know that they know; they are worried that because of it, you may Act out; but you throw caution to the wind and don't care. In fact, quietly, you are pleased they fear you might act out. That is a way you get back at them and give them their "comeuppance".
You know what Flight response looks like don't you? That is when you run into the arms of "Mrs Porn" or "Mrs Sex" or the pursuit of love & affection. Here is my definition of Flight: You move yourself out of the place where you perceive that your Core Emotional Needs are not being met and instead, put yourself in a place where you perceive your Core Emotional Needs will more likely be met.
Freeze, isn't entirely freeze! It is more about "just getting on with life". Just don't think about it. Throw caution to the wind. Self-pity maybe.
Getting Core Emotional Needs met is not negotiable. At some point you will be doing Fight/Flight/Freeze, to get them met.
Better understand the dynamics. Let The Kairos Centre come alongside your journey.
Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you. Please visit our website to learn more about this course and our services at www.kairos-centre.com or email info@kairos-centre.com
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs) is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC), stopSO, and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner, working with clients globally via secure webcam.
Just like similar poles of a magnet repel each other, so it is that Narcissism and Empathy also repel each other. They cannot co-exist in the same place together - in unity.
Either you will have more of one and less of the other being played out or less of the other and more of one! Get it?
Here's the deal. One MUST become less and the other become greater. Which one is the greater in your life?
Let The Kairos Centre help you to make EMPATHY the dominant trait that is played out in your life.
Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you. Please visit our website to learn more about this course and our services at www.kairos-centre.com or email info@kairos-centre.com
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs) is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC), stopSO, and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner, working with clients globally via secure webcam.
Do the Maths. Remove shame and sex addiction breaks down. Remove Narcissism; more accurately, transform Narcissism (over time) into Empathy and sex addiction breaks down.
Learn how to make shame visible; walk of the page; become touchable - using The Kairos Centre "Shields" exercise. Many clients initially, find it difficult to identify with and own Narcissism until we break it down.
Come and learn more about these two dominant features of sex/porn/love addiction. Let The Kairos Centre unravel it for you.
Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you. Please visit our website to learn more about this course and our services at www.kairos-centre.com or email info@kairos-centre.com
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs) is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC), stopSO, and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner, working with clients globally via secure webcam.
Having completed the extensive History Taking (by asking lots of questions over three sessions) to build a profile of our clients from birth to current age, we then give feedback and diagnosis. That includes an hypothesis as to the Role, Function & Purpose which the behaviours serve.
It is important not to hide behind the feedback which finds that something happened to you in childhood development; therefore current behaviour patterns are not your fault. Not true!
Not a level playing field, but own the fact that when you became an adult, you are responsible for your positive choices and negative choices. The sobriety and recovery that you therefore achieve from positive choices, belong to you.
I do something strange with my clients. I do brain surgery. I cut the top of the skull off and lift out their brains. I put it on a chair next to them and explain that their brain is not their best friend during the recovery programme. It will sabotage, until treats & rewards kick in and it can see good reward for good behaviour.
None of this make much sense? Let The Kairos Centre unravel it for you.
Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you. Please visit our website to learn more about this course and our services at www.kairos-centre.com or email info@kairos-centre.com
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs) is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC), stopSO, and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner, working with clients globally via secure webcam.
The Kairos Centre Recovery Programme is about the couple recovery, not only the person with the addiction behaviours - where you are in a partnered relationship.
Sit in the seat or walk in the shoes of the partner affected and see life from their vantage point - if you dear - if you can!
Difficult to stay with it since to do so means subduing and turning off inclinations toward narcissism. Take a glimpse through their lens before narcissism kids back in. Empathise with their pain. Even that empathy will take you only so far in your quest for sobriety.
"White knuckling it" will last only so long. It runs out of puff? "Round and round the mulberry bush you go" again after a short while.
Remember that the umbrella of Shame covers both of you and so will also take the partner into hiding as well as you.
The Kairos Centre work with multiple numbers of partners (particularly female partners) adversely affected and traumatised by the addiction behaviours of the other. Let us support you.
Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you. Please visit our website to learn more about this course and our services at www.kairos-centre.com or email info@kairos-centre.com
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs) is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC), stopSO, and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner, working with clients globally via secure webcam.
Change has begun when you can see the problem; moved it from the unconscious to the conscious. It does not, however, mean that you have changed it immediately you recognise and can see the problem; but change has begun.
Get up, dust off and get back in the fight. You can do this.
Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you. Please visit our website to learn more about this course and our services at www.kairos-centre.com or email info@kairos-centre.com
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs) is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC), stopSO, and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner, working with clients globally via secure webcam.
"My word is my bond". When I was a lawyer, this was an overriding priory and principle. Maybe in the past you have made repeated promises to yourself to stop and/or change the behaviours, but you have not followed through and are disenchanted.
Get up, dust off. Get back in the fight. Those that achieve change are those that got up, dusted off and got back in.
Take your journey and resolve up a level. Create a written Agreement with yourself as a promise to use best endeavours to achieve particular outcomes. The Agreement is to be printed, signed and referred to from time to time during your journey. It is to act as a reminder that your signature represents your honour; your word; your bond; your resolve; your incentive to fulfil that which you have Agreed.
Let The Kairos Centre help you with such a document - which takes the form of a Couples (if you are in a couples relationship) Recovery Plan.
Let the team at The Kairos Centre Team show you how.
Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you. Please visit our website to learn more about this course and our services at www.kairos-centre.com or email info@kairos-centre.com
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs) is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC), stopSO, and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner, working with clients globally via secure webcam.
Shame is a massive component that underpins, causing, enhances and maintains the proliferation of sex, porn, love addiction. In this context, we are discussing toxic or what is otherwise called unhealthy shame.
Guilt & embarrassment are off-shoots of shame, but they are different. We can recover from those, but toxic shame says "you are a mistake". That leaves no hope for change.
Shame tells you a lie. Don't believe the lie. Don't buy into the lie. Yet you do and you have to, because shame is "hiddenness" and requires that you go into hiding and stay in hiding.
A female partner, learning about the behaviours, also comes under its canopy and is also forced into hiding the stuff. Shame rubs its hands in glee.
Undermine shame by coming out of hiding; by telling and sharing your story. Your brain and shame will fight you and block you, but do it.
Get to a 12 steps group. That is the safe place to start to undermine shame by coming out of "hiddenness" and telling your story. That is a good forum.
Find a Therapist specialised in sex, pon, love addiction. That is also a great forum to begin the process of undermining shame.
Let the team at The Kairos Centre Team show you how.
Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you. Please visit our website to learn more about this course and our services at www.kairos-centre.com or email info@kairos-centre.com
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs) is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC), stopSO, and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner, working with clients globally via secure webcam.
Shame keeps Trauma in place, because it gets in the way of us seeking out and getting the help that we need. In the UK a mental health diagnosis remains a sign of weakness. We readily seek help from a Doctor where we have a pathology in the body, but much less so for the more debilitating psychological pathology which stops us functioning effectively.
Thank you Prince Harry for recently bringing the role of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing) to a higher profile by showing to us that decades later, unresolved and unprocessed pathology can be healed. For many, Shame stops them getting help. Shame underpins the block.
Shame + Narcissisim = Sex Addiction and so the role of Shame needs to be understood and exposed. A process, such as EMDR, has a clear role. It works!
Process unresolved issues or 5, 10, 20, 30, 40 plus years, which may still be the trigger, setting up the desire to self soothe.
Let the team at The Kairos Centre Team show you how.
Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you. Please visit our website to learn more about this course and our services at www.kairos-centre.com or email info@kairos-centre.com
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs) is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC), stopSO, and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner, working with clients globally via secure webcam.
Urge Surfing, Mindfulness, Reciting your Pillars, are some ' in the moment' fight back techniques. Here is another one, taken from our EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing) practice that is sure to benefit you.
.....but it is all about the tapping, to benefit from igniting the left & right brain - in the form of Bilateral Stimulation. Otherwise, you are just doing 'positive thinking'!
It works! Give it a try.
Let the team at The Kairos Centre Team show you how.
Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you. Please visit our website to learn more about this course and our services at www.kairos-centre.com or email info@kairos-centre.com
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs) is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC), stopSO, and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner, working with clients globally via secure webcam.
Client, choose your Therapist carefully. It makes a big difference to outcomes.
In 2024 the British Association for Counsellors and Psychotherapy (BACP) released an Ethical framework for working with Addictions and also a set of 'Addictions competence framework' for counsellors working with or intending to work with Compulsions and Addictions. I guess it did so for a reason.
Compulsions and Addictions Therapy is a specialised area of work. There is a need to ensure Counsellors and Therapists achieve minimal standards for working with such clients.
These are some of the Foundational competences:
Knowledge competences - knowledge and understanding of addictions
Knowledge of the range of addictions services and treatment options available
knowledge and understanding of recovery in addictions counselling
Knowledge of engagement issues specific to addictions counselling
Knowledge and understanding of the impact of co-occurring mental and physical health issues and addiction problems
Meta-competences: "Meta-competences encompass aspects of abstract clinical judgment required to decide when to implement different elements of the addictions counselling competence framework, and how and apply them in a coherent and informed manner."
Ethical Framework: "....The framework sets out the knowledge, skills and abilities required for counsellors and psychotherapists to work safely and effectively with adults living with addiction.….."
Therapists - 'at least do no harm'.
The Kairos Centre has all the Competences to come alongside you on your journey to reclaiming your life, bring colour to life, without shame.
Fight the Sabor-toothed Tiger with a lemon! Sucking a lemon and longer, deeper breathing can help you overcome the fight/flight/freeze Sabor-toothed Tiger brain protective response.
Let the team at The Kairos Centre show you how.
Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you. Please visit our website to learn more about this course and our services at www.kairos-centre.com or email info@kairos-centre.com
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs) is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC), stopSO, and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner, working with clients globally via secure webcam.
If you are not at "Action"; if you have been pushed, enticed, guilt tripped, coerced, under duress, pressurised, police involvement or legal process; partner threat to leave and take the children; such things are not necessarily good enough incentives to see you through a Recovery Programme in the longer term.
You must be at "Action" Stage, having got there because you see a need and desire has caught up. Know the Stages Of Change Cycle.
Get knowledge. Get understanding. Reclaim your life - sometimes for the first time.
The Kairos Centre Team can help and journey with you.
Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you. Please visit our website to learn more about this course and our services at www.kairos-centre.com or email info@kairos-centre.com
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs) is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC), stopSO, and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner, working with clients globally via secure webcam.
Cave men drawings on walls ➡ camera/Erotic paintings, literature, Bath houses ➡ (1860-1970) Camera images, Porn mags, Picture/cinema house projectors (public) ➡ 8mm projector in homes ➡ (1973 to 1990) VCR !interactive videos in private home (over take porn mags) ➡ (1990 to 2004) WWW, proliferation of porn sites, dialup, broadband, cyberworld, virtual world, smart phones, lap dance clubs, social networking sites ➡
....and all these are way out of date.
What should have remained our servant, has become the master to many.
You need to get off the slippery slope. It always, always ends bad, even if not for 40 or 50 years!
Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you. Please visit our website to learn more about this course and our services at www.kairos-centre.com or email info@kairos-centre.com
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs) is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC), stopSO, and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner, working with clients globally via secure webcam.
It all starts in the mind. What starts in the mind, is tossed around over and over and over as you get on with your day, your week, your month (because of your cognition), will eventually percolate into your heart. A mouth full, but did you get it?
People speak the things that are in their hearts. Behaviour (action) will spring forth. That is CBT principles.
Regular, frequent, habitual negative thinking, will eventually lead to behaviour (that is also negative). The corollary is that regular, frequent, habitual positive and wholesome thinking, will eventually lead to good, wholesome behaviour. Getting it?
Keep your heart (protect your heart) with all diligence, for out of it is the wellspring of life.
Let The Kairos Centre help you with the provision of tried and tested tools to interrupt your negative cognition on a frequent and regular basis. So that in changing your Mind, you get to change your Life.
Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you. Please visit our website to learn more about this course and our services at www.kairos-centre.com or email info@kairos-centre.com
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs) is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC), stopSO, and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner, working with clients globally via secure webcam.
Sex, Porn, Love Addiction will always cost you way more than you ever bargained. Do yourself a favour.
Put pen to paper and spend a chunk of time reviewing the impact, toll and cost it has reaped from you; in terms of Financial spend, Health toll, Personal Development, Relationships, Self-image, Legal conseqences, Social impact, Physical danger & more.
Weigh them up. But don't stay down and low for too too long. Resolve to reverse the trend.
Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you. Please visit our website to learn more about this course and our services at www.kairos-centre.com or email info@kairos-centre.com
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs) is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC), stopSO, and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner, working with clients globally via secure webcam.
Consider the exerts form this article written by a woman (Lauren Dubinsky - What I wish I'd Known Before Watching Porn, 2012):
"I wish that 10 years ago someone had educated me on pornography. What it is, what it does and what it reaches in and destroys in the hearts, minds and bodies of men and women. I wish that someone would have told me that researchers have suggested it sabotages your sex life. I wish someone would have explained how dopamine.... drives you to return to what provided that feeling..... I wish someone would have told me that the kind of pornography you're most turned on by is usually linked to a corresponding hurtful event in your life, further injuring your brokenness. I wish someone would have told me pornography would normalize things I wasn't emotionally or physically ready to handle...... I wish someone would have told me I would begin to objectify men, build up images in my mind and think of sex day in and day out..... I wish someone would have told me it would make me feel less valuable to men and bring up insecurities for years in the bedroom. I wish someone would have pointed out pornography can establish your sexuality completely apart from real-life relationships.... I wish someone would have explained what "sexual anorexia" was and that countless young men are unable to get erections because they've been watching porn since they were around 14 years old. I wish someone would have told all the men I've dated that the porn they are watching is keeping them from being turned on by me.... I wish someone would have told me that the dopamine and oxytocin being released from my watching certain types of pornography would cause me to question my sexual orientation..... I wish someone would have told me it would subtly create a "victim" mentality in my mind.... I wish someone had talked about how women watch it too.... My "I wish" list is nowhere near complete...."
Thought it would all look differently for females? Naaah! Not at all.
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs) is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC), stopSO, and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner, working with clients globally via secure webcam.
Porn-blockers: The best that a porn-blocker can be is that of being "a delay". They cannot truly block that which a person is determined to view. Delay can, however, get you through to another day of sobriety.
The Kairos Webinar Video-on-demand and its Webcam Recovery Programme is all about "The Couple Recovery". A partner should rightly say " ...and what about me."
Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you. Please visit our website to learn more about this course and our services at www.kairos-centre.com or email info@kairos-centre.com
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs) is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC), stopSO, and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner, working with clients globally via secure webcam.
One such action to take (amongst other Relapse Prevention Tools) is to write a "Goodbye Letter" after achieving one year sobriety anniversary. Personify Sex, Porn, Love Addiction as a real person with whom you have been in a real affair. Your partner has not had you 100% to themselves and has shared you with this other person.
In the letter addressed to Mrs Sex, Porn, Love addiction, tell the behaviour about the good times that you had together; how it was a friend when you needed her comfort. It was such an important friend. Then tell the behaviour how it did not tell you the entire truth and withheld some of the facts from you; that you have now found out the full truth and continue to discover more.
Mention the betrayal; how it caused you to keeping returning for more; but how it was increasing your SHAME (which caused you to stay hidden); how it played on NARCISSISTIC tendencies (which you denied as being any part of you and belonged to others); the DETTACMENT/ATTACHMENT issues experienced by you in relationships with others; the heartaches and casualties you have experienced; how you have ended the relationship.
Say "Goodbye"......forever.
Contact The Kairos Centre for a model template letter.
Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you. Please visit our website to learn more about this course and our services at www.kairos-centre.com or email info@kairos-centre.com
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs) is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC), stopSO, and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner, working with clients globally via secure webcam.
We are firmly at the Relapse stage, because you now have reached a minimum of one year of sobriety. It is all about what you need to be doing to ensure the rest of your life is sober. Here are some tools to facilitate that long term permanency of sobriety.
Look to your future. See it. Envision it. Dwell on it. Milk it. If you can see it, you can have it!
We are full circles back to basic CBT principles. Whatsoever you are habitually, regularly, repeatedly dwelling on, will eventually become your behaviour. You will gravitate toward that which is the cognitive process in your mind. Supplement that thinking with solid Relapse Prevention Tools.
Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you. Please visit our website to learn more about this course and our services at www.kairos-centre.com or email info@kairos-centre.com
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs) is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC), stopSO, and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner, working with clients globally via secure webcam.
They are insidious, don't play by the rules and definitely don't play fair. We are talking about Cognitive Distortions. What are they?
They are your thinking, telling you untruths to enable you to justify acting out and therefore relapse. You stay on the cycle of sex addiction:
Cycle of Sex Addiction
This is all taking place at the Preparation Stage. You are 10 minutes from acting out, unless you can see the Cognitive Distortion that is threatening your sobriety. Act now or it will be pain in"the morning after the night before".
Find them, expose them, acknowledge them, learn from them and you will have moved them from the unseen (the unconscious) into the visible (the conscious). That now gives you possibilities to fight back and take other action.
Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you. Please visit our website to learn more about this course and our services at www.kairos-centre.com or email info@kairos-centre.com
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs) is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC), stopSO, and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner, working with clients globally via secure webcam.
When there is conflict in the couples relationship, sex and intimacy becomes the first casualty which fly out the window. It is very difficult (sometimes feels impossible) to physically touch the person with whom you are in conflict.
Yet, touch is exactly what you need to do to begin to break down the walls set in place by conflict. Touch is then so very, very impossible to do.
The antidote is to learn to do physical (non-sexual) touch with the person with whom you are in conflict, in order to begin to break down the walls of hostility. But it is hard. "Boy is it hard". But a prize awaits you.
Try it. Throw caution to the wind and dive in - with physical (non-sexual) touch. Overcome yourself. Overcome pride. Get you and your ego out of the way. Just do it.
Don't talk. Just touch. Just embrace - if you dare. The other person may not welcome your endeavours - initially. (Be warned).
Expect the bucking horse. "Get off me. What are you doing. Leave me alone". Its going to happen! Hold on in there for dear life and eventually the bucking horse will reduce. Will calm. Don't talk.
Expect the intimidation - which goes with our current culture - "You need to respect my space". There is a prize if you can stay in there. It's worth it.
Even as I write these words, I am intimidated because the naysayers in our current culture will be getting ready to chastise me with their disagreement. (The insistence that we must respect another's space and not intrude). That is powerful intimidation.
Psychosexual Therapy (I just call it Sex Therapy) with The Kairos Centre, is not about sex. The first thing that we do is to ban sexual intercourse. Then teach how to rebuild intimacy, sensuality and romance at a higher level.
Done well, it paves the way for the couple to naturally want to consummate the rebuilt relationship, by progressing to a sexual expression. At that point, I am getting ready to come out of their lives and leave them with the next 80 years to practice this thing called sex!
Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.
Episode Keywords: Sex Addiction | Porn Addiction | Love Addiction | Porn Causes | Recover from Addiction | Self-Soothing Behaviors | Childhood Trauma | Inner Child work | Childhood Development and Addiction bullying | Porn Addiction Recovery | Abuse | Sexual Abuse | Sex Addiction Recovery | Domestic Violence | Family Conflict | Overcoming Porn addiction | Porn Addiction Side effects | Porn Addiction Symptoms | Emotional Neglect | Quit Porn Addiction | Peer Pressure | Performance Pressure | Separation | Divorce | Fear | Anxiety | Stress | Mental Health and Addiction | Dissociation | Anger | Husband has porn | Recovery Program | 12 Steps Program | EMDR | Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing | Compulsive Behavior | Trauma Healing | Neuroplasticity | Online Therapy | The Kairos Centre | Neuroscience of Addiction | Porn Addiction Help | Sex Addiction Recovery Program | Authentic Self Discovery | Compulsive Behaviors | Intimacy Issues | Sexual Dysfunction | Obsessive Thoughts | Fantasy Escape | Codependency | Shame in Addiction | Guilt in Addiction | Addiction in Relationship | Infidelity | Therapy for Addiction | Objectification | Hypersexualization | Pornography Industry | Attachment Styles | Sexual Compulsivity | Behavioral Therapy | Relapse Prevention | Emotional Regulation | Self-Discovery | Healing Journeys | Personal Growth | Intimacy Building | Healthy Relationships | Empowerment | obsessive T
Creating new Thinking, then Recover from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction
CBT Cognitive →Behaviour Your thinking →Behaviour Thinking = Behaviour
Get it!
Whatsoever you are habitually, regularly, repeatedly, churning around, playing with, dwelling upon, reflecting upon, nurturing in your mind - will eventually (at some point) become the very thing that you will go on to act upon (to do).
If you can change your MIND, you can change your LIFE. If you can change your thinking, you can literally change your whole life and its trajectory. It is that stark.
That is you doing your own Therapy on yourself. You are doing CBT. Add other skills to the mix, such as Mindfulness, Urge Surfing and such techniques and you have a winning and overcoming combination.
Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you. Please visit our website to learn more about this course and our services at www.kairos-centre.com or email info@kairos-centre.com
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs) is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC), stopSO, and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner, working with clients globally via secure webcam.
Managing your sobriety is about Risk Management. Risk Managing your Triggers. Just like many projects may include a discussion about possible risks, they go on to consider what to do if those risks manifest. So too, for you, where your aim is to achieve a lifetime of sobriety.
You want to keep those old neural pathways shut down and not reactivate or re-open them by constant merry-go-round relapses and sometimes, binges. It begins with "Identifying" and "knowing" your Triggers. Anticipate them and have a plan of action for addressing them.
Carolyn Spring's articles are so good and helpful. They come to you from a whole different field of Triggers, outside of the foreseeable Sex, Porn, Love addiction patterns. You can learn from her, about the underlying "sameness" of Triggers and action you can take, no matter what may be the underlying recovery area in your life. Take a look at her links:
Managing Triggers: Part one - Why Triggers are nothing to be ashamed of https://www.carolynspring.com/blog/managing-triggers-part-one-why-triggers-are-nothing-to-be-ashamed-of/ and also: https://www.pods-online.org.uk
Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you. Please visit our website to learn more about this course and our services at www.kairos-centre.com or email info@kairos-centre.com
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs) is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC), stopSO, and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner, working with clients globally via secure webcam.
Understand brain structure and name the various parts and their role in Sex, Porn, Love Addiction. How does the brain respond to "Trauma"? Understand how addiction hijacks the brain and therefore why I do brain surgery on each of my clients. I cut off the top of their skull, remove their brain and put it on the chair beside them! I talk with the client and separately to their brain.
The brain is not their best friend. It is not going to working with them to achieve sobriety and is going to sabotage. There is a need to build into the Recovery programme "Treats & Rewards" to entice the brain to work with them over time.
Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you. Please visit our website to learn more about this course and our services at www.kairos-centre.com or email info@kairos-centre.com
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs) is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC), stopSO, and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner, working with clients globally via secure webcam.
Secure Attachment defined. Then we take a look at the three Insecure Attachment Styles. Are you Avoidant, Ambivalent/Anxious or Fearful Avoidant. Childhood development holds the clues to their setting up.
Know your Attachment Style and affect your behaviour patterns in relationships with others, into your future - with help from The Kairos Centre.
Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you. Please visit our website to learn more about this course and our services at www.kairos-centre.com or email info@kairos-centre.com
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs) is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC), stopSO, and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner, working with clients globally via secure webcam.
The past holds the clues to why we do what we do, which affects our present and shapes our future. Get back control and influence by better understanding you. There are not many shaping influences from childhood as significant as "Attachment Styles".
Do you have Secure Attachment in how you do relationships and interact with others or is it Insecure Attachment; if Insecure Attachment, which of the three styles best describes you?
In all your getting, get understanding. Move stuff from the unconscious to the conscious, then you get a chance to influence patterns of behaviours and change.
Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you. Please visit our website to learn more about this course and our services at www.kairos-centre.com or email info@kairos-centre.com
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs) is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC), stopSO, and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner, working with clients globally via secure webcam.
Identify the types of triggers at work and therefore the Feeling-State the person wants to escape? What is the preferred Feeling-State being sought? Know yours. Better understand you. Then you are better prepared for the "fight back", with tried and tested tools - that work - provided by The Kairos Centre.
Additionally, people bounce back from tragedy, trauma, crisis, and stress by having certain “protective” conditions in their lives. Do you have the full complement of bounce-back conditions, tools and strengths that holistically equips you to be Resilient? Learn about those Resiliency builders.
Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you. Please visit our website to learn more about this course and our services at www.kairos-centre.com or email info@kairos-centre.com
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs) is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC), stopSO, and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner, working with clients globally via secure webcam.
Our "Values", go to the core and foundations of how we prefer to do life. In most every day situations, we would not contemplate undermining our Values. Yet, how is it that when Sex, Porn & Love Addiction behaviours beckon, so quickly our Values face compromise and are even trashed?
Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you. Please visit our website to learn more about this course and our services at www.kairos-centre.com or email info@kairos-centre.com
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs) is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC), stopSO, and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner, working with clients globally via secure webcam.
Identify and know your Top 3 Core Emotional Needs and be better able to understand your patterns of behaviours. What are your Core Emotional Needs? What happens if they are depleted? What are the consequences? How will they manifest in your life? What do they have to do with fight, flight and/or freeze response. Better understand you and how they manifest in "Acting out" behaviours.
Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you. Please visit our website to learn more about this course and our services at www.kairos-centre.com or email info@kairos-centre.com
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs) is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC), stopSO, and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner, working with clients globally via secure webcam.
Shame is a massive issue. Start to know it, understand it, see it and call it out. Begin the journey of underderming it, disempowering it and in so doing, loosening its grip and hold over your life.
You can change only what you can see. What you cannot see or understand, you have no hope of affecting or changing and it continues to work away in the unseen (in the unconscious).
Come out of "hiding", but only to the "right people" so they don't increase your sense of shame.
Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you. Please visit our website to learn more about this course and our services at www.kairos-centre.com or email info@kairos-centre.com
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs) is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC), stopSO, and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner, working with clients globally via secure webcam.
Those with Sex, Porn, Love addiction tend to have a reduced ability to delay gratification; yet are disciplined in other areas of life.
Secrets held back from a partner: Do you share? Will it break the back of the relationship? Yet trust goes to the foundation of any progressive relationship.
Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you. Please visit our website to learn more about this course and our services at www.kairos-centre.com or email info@kairos-centre.com
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs) is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC), stopSO, and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner, working with clients globally via secure webcam.
Unresolved issues; unprocessed childhood issues, loose canons, unpotted snooker balls - are some of the terms that I use, for the process of work that I do multiple times every day with clients - using EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing).
Another analogy that I use (but please don't tell my EMDR colleagues that I described it to you like this)! It is as if you own an 8 bedroom mansion house; but for some reason, over lots of years, you never go into 3 of the bedrooms. Over time, the things in those 3 bedrooms (just like many attics), gather cobwebs and dust and are hidden.
When Eye Movement begins - known as BLS (Bilateral Stimulation) - it is as if the brain goes into those 3 bedrooms and begins to remove the drapes, blow away the cobbwebbs and finds thing that you did not remember about. You may let out a shriek or exclamation (inside of you and unconsciously). It might sound like this:
"....oh my goodness. Oh look. I had forgotten about that. But if that was present at the time of [the negative event] that which I have been carrying all these years, about the event, can't be entirely accurate! I now need to integrate the stuff found in those 3 bedrooms - into my view of the past event. That means I can't continue to see it quite the same way any more, because the stuff I can now see and better understand, is giving me a different/ more accurate knowledge about the events; which was not a full picture that I carried all these years. That makes sense, since the Limbic/Emotional part of the brain must have been making all the decisions during the negative impactful event; the logical reasoning/Pre-Cortex part of the brain would have gone off-line and major decisions being taken based on feelings. I feel, so I do...."
Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing) tools have a whole heap of resources for helping to manage emotions, bring down stress, anxiety, tension, upset, pressure and bring back homeostasis - without using negative past coping and self-soothing "Acting OUT" activities that your brain got use to gravitating to as its "go-to".
Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you. Please visit our website to learn more about this course and our services at www.kairos-centre.com or email info@kairos-centre.com
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs) is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC), stopSO, and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner, working with clients globally via secure webcam.
The 3 Circles Exercise helps you define your sobriety. (A different exercise to that similarly so called in 12 steps groups). You decide what your sex life will look like for the duration of the Recovery Programme.
What sexual activities are "OK", "NOT OK" and which are "IFFY". Relapse often occurs where your brain negotiates with you that certain "IFFY" behaviours are "OK", when really they are "NOT OK".
Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you. Please visit our website to learn more about this course and our services at www.kairos-centre.com or email info@kairos-centre.com
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs) is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC), stopSO, and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner, working with clients globally via secure webcam.
Don't be an island & do Recovery on your own. 12 Steps groups like SA, SAA, SLAA, Celebrate Recovery, X3 Watch Groups are "co-therapy" type supports, that supplement your recovery.
Get rid of inhibitions and Hollywood movie misconceptions. Shame will be challenging you, but you will use a different reasoning to justify why you don't attend.
Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you. Please visit our website to learn more about this course and our services at www.kairos-centre.com or email info@kairos-centre.com
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs) is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC), stopSO, and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner, working with clients globally via secure webcam.
Your triggers don't just come out of nowhere. Take back control of your eyes, your thinking & fantasy, which is undisciplined and you gave free rein to, years earlier.
If you can change your thinking, you can change your life. Use R.A.I.D to help you. Small incremental steps lead to the good outcomes that you desire.
Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you. Please visit our website to learn more about this course and our services at www.kairos-centre.com or email info@kairos-centre.com
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs) is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC), stopSO, and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner, working with clients globally via secure webcam.
Begin at the beginning. Many people experience some type of wounding during early development and learn to manage their emotions, but sometimes it gets the better of them. Sex addiction is not about sex. Sex is a symptom of an underlying problem. Sex is not the problem. It is a symptom and an outlet. We do not see with our eyes. We see with our brain. Want to know more; to better understand?
Get your calendar ready for the countdown; Porn-blocker is no more than an attempt at delay, but still essential; Accountability partner - the right person - with teeth! Reward & Treats - essential. Support for a partner: "What about me?" is rightly voiced - loudly.
Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you. Please visit our website to learn more about this course and our services at www.kairos-centre.com or email info@kairos-centre.com
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs) is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC), stopSO, and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner, working with clients globally via secure webcam.
What is a feeling state and how does this impact behaviours as they relate to sex, porn and love addiction?
And where Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) come into this?
I'm sure you've come across the term CBT before and in this episode, I'm going to break down the term so that you understand how your cognitive (thinking state) will go on to become the behaviour that will be acted out.
Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you. Please visit our website to learn more about this course and our services at www.kairos-centre.com or email info@kairos-centre.com
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs) is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC), stopSO, and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner, working with clients globally via secure webcam.
Often the words Compulsion and Addiction are used interchangeably, but there actually is a difference between a compulsion and an addiction, and I want to help you understand the difference.
I start by giving you a definition of what it means to have a Compulsion and then contrast that with an Addiction. I also talk about the brain's active role in which behaviour you will choose.
Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you. Please visit our website to learn more about this course and our services at www.kairos-centre.com or email info@kairos-centre.com
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs) is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC), stopSO, and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner, working with clients globally via secure webcam.
When we talk about sex, porn and addiction, it's important we separate the behaviours from the person.
So in this episode, I talk about why it's important to identify what is you, and what is your behaviour and understand the difference between adding something to your life as opposed to being intertwined with that something.
I also talk about how habit and repetitive behaviour practices lead to a person maintaining the behaviours that constitute sex, porn or love addiction.
Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you. Please visit our website to learn more about this course and our services at www.kairos-centre.com or email info@kairos-centre.com
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs) is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the National Counselling Society, the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity (ATSAC), stopSO, and an Accredited member of the Assoc of Christian Counsellors. He also practices EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as an Accredited EMDR Practitioner, working with clients globally via secure webcam.
In this first episode, I want to read you a poem by John T. Atwood called The Poem For Every Person.
It's a poem of reassurance because by opening up to me or a Kairos Centre Team member, you'll be opening up the most intimate parts of your life to a stranger, and I'm very sensitive to that.
My assurance to you is that we will never breach your confidentiality. Not only will we look after your information, sensitively and wisely, but we will create a safe space so that you feel confident enough to share some of those intimate areas with us without feeling judged or shamed.
I'm inviting you to embark on a journey with us so you can give up this thing called sex, porn and love addiction and trade it for something much better.
Your brain is not your best friend for a period of time when you first embark upon a Recovery Programme. It will sabotage. Learn to build treats and rewards into your recovery.
Watch for other co-addiction behaviours coming through the back door to replace the role of sex, porn and love addiction as you are achieving sobriety.
Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; where you discover the real, authentic you. Please visit our website to learn more about this course and our services at www.kairos-centre.com or email info@kairos-centre.com
Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs) is a Relate trained and experienced Relationship counsellor, Mediator and undertakes Sex Therapy & Sex Addiction treatment. He is also a member of the NPCS.
Have you heard the Joke about the bride who learned her script for what she had to remember on the wedding day - as: 1) Aisle 2) Altar 3) Hymn
What has shaped you to be doing life how you are doing life? So often, it is about those childhood development years and what got set up as templates, to create those hamster wheel patters of repeat behaviour; those habits - otherwise called Neural Pathway.
They where carved out by the brain (which does not like upset and so, to get us back into homeostasis); but they are not always the best choices of activities; yet seem to 'work' back there in childhood and in the families that we are a part of - to mange our interaction.
So, since they 'worked ' and are on repeat, we take the repeat practiced behaviours - now well entrenched - with us into adulthood and are a grown up version of childhood practices. In adulthood and the new couple relationship (different to the growing up family environment), the brain experiences something that looks or feels similar to a past negatively experienced childhood pattern and so is triggered to respond in the same way.
"...but brain, this is a different person. This isn't those people back in childhood who destabilised me. The situation is different" - makes no difference to the brain. It goes into autonomic response.
You may not see or realise the similar repeat behaviours being done in adulthood - as being similar to how you did them in childhood - because they are unconscious.
Couples counselling with The Kairos Centre is not about saving marriages or relationships. It is about helping you to better understand you. To move issues from the unseen, the invisible, the unconscious, into the seen, the visible, the conscious.
When you can better see and understand stuff (because you have moved them into focus and put a highlighter pen through them) now you are in a position to effect change. You have stepped onto the change continuum.
Know, however, that you cannot effect immediate (end-point) change. After-all, they were hamster wheel repetitive habit behaviours for decades. It is a journey. No quick fixes.
Change has, however, began, because you had no hope of changing what you could not see or understand, until you can see and understand them! They were just you, being you, doing life how you do life - 'what's the problem. The other person is the problem'.
If you change, then the other person has to change. They cannot keep doing what they have repeatedly done, because you have changed and are no longer in the same place to be the recipient of their behaviours and at some point they have to change in response to your change; but their change may not be the required positive change, without some help. Get it!
Episode Keywords: Sex Addiction | Porn Addiction | Love Addiction | Porn Causes | Recover from Addiction | Self-Soothing Behaviors | Childhood Trauma | Inner Child work | Childhood Development and Addiction bullying | Porn Addiction Recovery | Abuse | Sexual Abuse | Sex Addiction Recovery | Domestic Violence | Family Conflict | Overcoming Porn addiction | Porn Addiction Side effects | Porn Addiction Symptoms | Emotional Neglect | Quit Porn Addiction | Peer Pressure | Performance Pressure | Separation | Divorce | Fear | Anxiety | Stress | Mental Health and Addiction | Dissociation | Anger | Husband has porn | Recovery Program | 12 Steps Program | EMDR | Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing | Compulsive Behavior | Trauma Healing | Neuroplasticity | Online Therapy | The Kairos Centr
Over 90% of couples that The Kairos Centre counsel, are in conflict because Core Emotional Needs are not being met. Some of those Core Emotional Needs are such things as lack of Security, Respect, Comfort, Affection, Respect.
They are not negotiable human needs. They want to be met and we will fight/flight/freeze to get them met. We do an interesting exercise with Couples and Singles to identify their Core Emotional Needs.
Commit to a Couples Recovery Programme like The Kairos Centre Video-On-Demand Relationship Program which you can cover at your leisure from the comfort of your own home, at your pace. You receive a workbook and can book Homework Review sessions as and when you desire, so that you have a sense of someone being alongside you on your journey.
Let's move as much of the stuff from the unconscious; from the unseen; from the invisible; from the unknown; into the conscious; the seen; the visible; the known.
Now that you can better see and understand the issues, you now get a chance to begin working through the issues - with some help. Get off the hamster wheel of habits, template behaviours, entrenched neutral pathways.
Change your trajectory. Change begins because you can now see the problem. It can never be the same again. You are now on the change continuum, even if only at step one = Insight; step two = understanding.
Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.
Testosterone in males is at its height in their late teens to early 20's. Women's sex drive does not reach its peak until their late 20's to early 30's. Therefore, a mismatch is going on between the sexes.
Aged 15 to 25 years old males have a 4 times higher likelihood of death from various events. Their brains are not yet fully mature and therefore they make bad choices and poor decisions.
They are 4 times more likely (than females of the same age) to die from such events as suicide, being killed, drug overdose and car accidents. Much of that is due to the high Testosterone in their body, which enhances their decision to 'Act out' in various risk taking ways.
In the 1960s, young men were marrying younger - in their 20s. They were in a committed relationship and such events as having children and even holding the child and getting skin contact, lowered the male Testosterone levels. (More stats in the audio).
Men are twice as likely to experience substance abuse, than women. Women are twice as likely to experience STI. Men are 6 times more likely to be addicted to porn.
Consistent porn use changes the brain at a cellular level. The brain is actually changed.
Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.
The world's first Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme. Discover the real, authentic you. email info@kairos-centre.com
Men's brains are configured very differently when it comes to a response to sex. There are 3 areas to know about - which are over twice the capacity of the female:
The Medial Pre-optic Area (MPOA): Is an area of the Hypothalamus that regulates various physiological and behavioural processes. The MPOA is packed with twice as many neurones and density. Since it has a larger capacity in males, this is why males tend to be more visually stimulated and do more 'objectification'.
The Third Interstitial nucleus of the Anterior Hypothalamus (INAH 3) - the seat of human sexuality - also contains twice as many neurones in males and occupies a greater volume than females, regardless of age.
The Amygdala is also twice as big in males. It is the brain's command and control area. (I call it the 'Smoke alarm in the kitchen which goes off when you burn toast'); the Amygdala detects loss of homeostasis and triggers a 'Fight/Fight/Freeze' protective response in the Limbic brain.
All of these processes are reactive to testosterone. Remember that Testosterone is (on average) 20 times more in males than in females.
Sex Hormone Binding Globulin (SHBG) binds and carries/transports sex hormones like Oestrogen, Testosterone and Androgens to the organs where they are needed. Therefore regulating the proportion of sex hormones that are available to the body. Different events (like a disease process) can cause SHBG levels to rise and become too high or too low. Women have 13 times more SHBG than men.
Essentially, a mismatch between males and females (in the working of the brain) during sex. Listen to the rest of the audio to piece together how this all impacts the personality of the sexes during hook ups and arousal.
Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.
Alcohol consumption raises women's testosterone levels. Same for men, but with excess, men's levels start to decrease. Not so for women.
Women are not use to the effects of such higher levels of testosterone and so a young woman can become a very different sexual being, because of the effects on her sex drive. That is enhanced if she is near her ovulatory window.
During their ovulatory window, women are more likely to dress more provocatively and flirtatious. They may not be self aware, as it is an unconscious process.
Female anatomy makes them more vulnerable to STIs. The vagina lends itself to bacterial growth and on average, women have a risk increase of 8 times more likelihood of contracting HIV. The risk is 17 times higher during anal sex.
Younger and early years sexual behaviours affect women's future health. The risk of uterine, vaginal and cervical cancer is increased. Minimal or no breast feeding raises the likelihood of longer term ovarian cancer.
(Interestly data. Don't shoot the messenger will you)?
Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.