The Relationship Maze – Details, episodes & analysis

Send us a Text Message.

Welcome to The Relationship Maze, where we explore the intricate dynamics of human connections. In today's episode, Tom and Angela delve into a critical yet often misunderstood aspect of relationships: empathy. 
Are you finding that your partner doesn't truly hear you, or that they're more inclined to fix your problems than genuinely listen? This episode is for you. 
Join us as we unpack what real empathy entails, the difference between empathy and sympathy, and practical steps to foster deeper emotional connections. We'll also discuss the common pitfalls and challenges in being empathic, particularly when facing conflicts or emotional distress. Tune in and discover how enhancing your empathy skills can lead to more fulfilling and harmonious relationships. 
Don't forget to subscribe and visit therelationshipmaze.com for more resources and our comprehensive online course.
00:00 Empathy is complex, requires attuning to others.
03:34 Empathy involves leaving assumptions, being inquisitive.
08:07 Empathy doesn't mean carrying your partner's burden.
12:25 Partners struggle with empathy during difficult conversations.
15:31 Open-minded approach to empathetically respond positively.
19:36 Couples therapy available in person and online.
20:47 Support and empathy are crucial in relationships.
23:31 Visit relationshipmaze.com for relationship help and resources.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us a Text Message.

Welcome to The Relationship Maze! 
In today's episode, Angela and Tom delve into the fascinating world of transitional objects—those cherished items or objects, like a childhood teddy bear or a keepsake, that provide comfort during challenging times. The notion of transitional objects was developed by pediatrician and psychotherapist Donald Winnicott; they serve as a bridge between our internal emotions and the external world. But what role do they play in our adult lives, and can our reliance on them sometimes indicate deeper, problematic issues that need addressing? 
From phones as modern-day comfort objects to the role of transitional objects in relationships, we explore both the benefits and potential pitfalls of these psychological safety nets. Stick around to uncover how understanding transitional objects can help you improve your relationships and personal well-being. Don't forget to head over to therelationshipmaze.com for more resources and take our free argument style quiz to discover your conflict style in relationships. Let's get started!

00:00 Psychotherapy term stems from child-mother separation.
05:22 Comfort objects provide a sense of security.
07:09 Transitional objects provide comfort and reassurance.
09:45 Negative emotions labeled bad, need to change.
15:35 Reflect on the impact of digital disconnection.
17:03 Using Niles' presence and hair for winning.
21:05 Questioning projection and expectations in relationships.
24:43 Therapy is important for personal development.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us a Text Message.

Welcome to a new episode of "The Relationship Maze" where we dive into the complexities of your critical, inner voice and the impact it has on our relationships. In this episode, Tom and Angela explore the role of the inner critic, discussing why it might have developed, its effects on your life and ways to manage it for a more positive experience in your relationships. They delve into the impact of early experiences, schooling, and social media on developing and reinforcing the inner critic, offering insights and practical techniques to challenge and detach from negative self-talk. Join us as we navigate through the maze of our inner thoughts and learn to cultivate a more compassionate relationship with ourselves.

00:00 Negative emotions can impact performance and relationships.
04:57 Developing soothing inner voice is important.
07:17 Insecure childhood attachments affect self-worth and relationships.
11:48 Agreement leads to public scrutiny and feedback.
15:46 Create character names to represent inner critic.
18:33 Negative self-talk hinders performance and meaning.
19:54 Adapting to criticism requires time and practice.
23:21 Writing down self-talk helps identify patterns.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us a Text Message.

In today's episode we discuss the concept of mentalising: our ability to understand what goes on in our own and another person's state of mind. 
Mentalising is something that we learn when growing up. The better our primary caretakers are at tuning in and paying attention to our physical and emotional needs as a child, the better we are as adults to reflect on our own thoughts, feelings and behaviours as well as those of others. 
Mentalising means that we can step outside of our self and look in: what am I feeling/thinking/doing and why? And why is my partner responding in this way? What's going on for them?
Mentalising is a skill we learned as well as an attitude. Those who are good at mentalising are good at emphathising and in this process they also learn something about themselves. Good mentalisers are interested and curious in other people and what makes them tick.
Couples in distress usually struggle with their mentalising capacities. They are often not in tune with their own states of mind and they struggle to engage with their partner's inner landscape. 
Stress is the enemy of mentalisation. Our brain goes offline and we are simply acting in survival mode losing connection to others.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us a Text Message.

Today we discuss the top relationship problems that affect couples the most. We look at ways in which these problems manifest and at possible ways of addressing them. We discuss 10 items plus one bonus one.

1. Arguments: disagreements in any relationship are entirely to be expected. However, if the relationship is dominated by endless and repetitive arguments, then you may want to stop and consider what the typical contentious issues are in your relationship and to also think about the underlying causes. We are currently developing a mini course on effective arguing. Watch this space. -
2. Lack of connection: When you never find time to sit down and find out about your partner's experiences, then there is little engagement with your partner, the relationship will be suffering in the long run. Connections needs to be paid attention to and actively nurtured. -
3. Stress: Too much stress is the enemy of connection. When we are stressed we are too wrapped up in our own 'survival' and therefore cannot connect well with others. If chronically stressed then there won't be much room to empathise and understand your partner. -
4. Boredom: Many couples struggle to move on from the exciting hay days of the honeymoon period in their relationship. You start to see your partner in a more realistic light and might find it difficult to adjust to the more mundane daily routine of your life together. -
5. Children: As lovely as they are, children are frequently a stressor in relationships because of different views that partner's have of parenting and the competing demands of childcare, work and time for your partner. Couples with children often play out old relationship and family patterns from their family of origin which need to be brought into awareness. -
6. The wider family: You may struggle to get on with your partner's parents or siblings, finding them too interfering for example and/or your partner may not be keen on yours. The relationship with partners' wider family can frequently cause very serious difficulties in relationships. -
7. Trauma: When one or both partner's have experienced relational or developmental trauma in their lives, this is likely to impact the current relationship (unless the trauma has largely been worked through). -
8. Fidelity: If one or both partners have cheated and the understanding is that you are in a relationship where this is not acceptable, you will need to make a decision whether your relationship can survive this breach of trust or whether it's unforgivable. Affairs cause serious hurt and may take a long time to get over. Most affairs don't just happen spontaneously; if you decide to stay together there will need to be understanding on both sides whether there were any underlying issues that

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us a Text Message.

In today's episode we discuss the ending of a relationship and the heart ache that follows. We are all familiar with the metaphor of the broken heart.  Many songs have been sung about the experience of being left by a loved one. There actually is such a thing as broken heart syndrome at the extreme end of the emotional and physiological pain that relationship breakups can cause. 

Breaking up in a relationship is a life event that we have all experienced. It is a ‘common’ experience like moving house, leaving school, growing up and yet it can be one of the most devastating and destructive experiences one has. In particular, the breakup of a long term relationship can be traumatic and give rise to a range of very strong (conflicting) feelings including rage, despair, resentment, relief, pain and an overwhelming sense of sadness. Each partner’s future feels very delicate and uncertain.

The end of a relationship has frequently been described in similar terms to those losing a loved person to death. When losing a partner – particularly a long term partner - you go through various stages of grief and through a cycle of very intense emotions. In her ground breaking book on Death and Dying (1969), Elizabeth Kübler-Ross describes the stages a grieving partner goes through in their experience of losing a person they loved. Kübler-Ross’ description closely matches the emotions experienced when losing a partner:

1. Denial - there is a sense of disbelief that the breakup is actually happening. You are still postponing your grief as you still hold out hope that things will work out eventually.

2. Anger - the reality of what is happening has now set in. You may ask yourself why this terrible thing is happening to you. You are angry with your ex-partner for having ruined the relationship and you are angry with yourself for letting this pain happen to you. You may also be angry with others for not helping enough.

3. Bargaining - at this point you may negotiate a different kind of relationship with your ex-partner, e.g. being friends from now on. Bargaining in the grief model referred to negotiating with a higher power for the situation to be different.

4. Depression - you have now begun to acknowledge the reality of the situation. Feelings of sadness, regret or fear of the future may arise.

5. Acceptance - at this stage there is more of an emotional detachment from the initial rawness; there is less of a sense of shock. You may slowly start to move forward in your life.

The length of each these stages varies as does the order of each. Grief is not a linear process. Acceptance may be the predominant feeling, but there can still be days filled with anger or depressive feelings.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us a Text Message.

Today Tom is talking about the importance of setting goals in your relationship, or if you are single just how important it is to set goals if you want to find a fulfilling relationship.

Setting goals helps you become proactive in your life rather than reactive. Taking time to reflect on what you want and taking small regular actions is crucial in order to find and create more fulfilling relationships.

One model that can help with taking positive action in your life and relationships is the GROW model. The GROW model was created by Sir John Whitmore and his colleagues in the late 1980s.

GROW stands for:

G - Goal

Here you want to consider what it is you want to work on and what you would like as a result of taking action. It is useful to create specific goals, that can also be measured, so that you can monitor your progress towards achieving them.

R - Reality

Consider where you are now. In order to monitor progress and use feedback effectively, it is crucial to know where you are starting from.

You may consider many different elements in your current situation, including what actions you have taken so far, what your current motivation is and also any things holding you back from getting the results you want.

O - Options

Here you want to brainstorm lots of different options regarding how to achieve your goal.
It can really help to make sure when you come up with options to avoid judging them, just write them down.

After you've created lots of options, then you can start to consider the advantages and disadvantages of the different options.

W - Will

Here you basically commit to action. Choose the options that you will act on and decide when you will start. You can rate the different options according to your level of commitment.

Taking action as soon as possible is always best and making sure that the steps you take action on are not too big. Small steps that are achievable lead to huge results over time.

After this podcast, take time to reflect on what goals you want to set and take action on in the area of relationships.

If you want to explore in more detail how you function in relationships, head over to our comprehensive course, The Relationship Maze. We help you understand yourself and your partner, improve your communication skills  and work on building a long lasting, loving relationship.

Here's what one of our subscribers had to say about the course: 'I found the strategies suggested enabled me to see myself differently and explain why repeated approaches to relationships always had the same outcome. A real “light bulb” moment for me. There is a g

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us a Text Message.

In today's episode we talk about blaming others and being at the receiving end of blame. Do you often blame our partner or other people you go on a date with?

Couples often blame their partner for things that go wrong in their life. Often one partner criticises the other aggressively and the other partner defends or withdraws. The more one defends or withdraws, the more the other protests and continues blaming. This cycle can go on for some time. Research by John Gottman shows that couples who get into a toxic blaming/defence pattern in the first few years of marriage have more than an 80% chance of getting divorced within the first 5 years of their relationship.

Do you notice that you tend to point the finger at your partner or the other person when you feel frustrated, irritated, anxious or distressed? Or do you notice that you always defend? Constant defensiveness can be an underhand way of blaming the other person too.

When we blame the other, we usually discharge some form of pain. Often the blaming partner does not feel heard, understood or cared for. Sometimes we pass on unpleasant feelings that we cannot tolerate ourselves to our partner. 

For the person who is always at the receiving end of blame by their partner managing this can be extremely hard if their self esteem or confidence is low to begin with. Being constantly blamed is undermining and contributes to a lack of trust in oneself as well as the relationship. 

Frequent blame in the relationship is a sign of disconnection. 

The opposite of blaming is taking responsibility of your own actions and being accountable. You can let your partner know how their actions impact on you. Rather than attacking, you can say "I feel..." or "when ......, I don't feel connected to you", or "I would love it if...."

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us a Text Message.

In today's episode Angela is in conversation with Dr Marni Feuerman. Dr. Marni Feuerman is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in South Florida. She is a nationally recognized relationship and marriage expert with specialized training in couples therapy. Dr. Marni is a frequently quoted expert in the media and content contributor. She has written for HuffPo, VeryWell.com, Dr. Oz’s ShareCare and The Gottman Institute among others. Her popular self-help book for women who struggle with repeated unhealthy relationship patterns is titled, Ghosted & Breadcrumbed: Stop Falling for Unavailable Men and Get Smart about Healthy Relationships.

In this episode Dr Marni looks in more detail at underlying work that needs to be done when couples say they need to improve their communication.

Dr Marni highlights what a healthy relationship looks like. For example, in a healthy relationships couples are able to be emotionally open and vulnerable with each other. Partners are curious about their own as well as their partner's experiences. They want to learn what's going on for their partner.

The starting point in any relationship is knowing yourself. When you are self aware, you have the capacity to notice your triggers points: what makes you feel angry, disappointed, sad or frustrated? How does your partner elicit this response from you? What do you need to feel better? What can you do for yourself/what can your partner do for you?

Dr Marni highlights ways of responding that enable you to get the support that you need from your partner and to learn to tune into your partner's needs.

What kind of checklist should you have when looking for a partner? Dr Marni highlights the four As that can serve as red flags in a new relationship: Agenda, alignment of values, addiction, abuse.

Do you want to explore the issues discussed in today's episode in more detail? Do you want to gain a better understanding of your way of being in relationships? Do you want to learn  how to build an emotionally fulfilling relationship? All of these questions get addressed in great detail in our self paced online course, The Relationship Maze. Find lots of instructional videos and plenty of activities that help you gain more understanding of your needs and those of your partner.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us a Text Message.

Social anxiety affects large numbers in society. Judging by current trends it is on the rise and affects in particular but not exclusively people in  their 20s.  Social anxiety is the persistent and troublesome fear that other people will judge you (negatively), that you won't be able to engage with others or that you will say or do something that will leave you humiliated or ashamed.

Social anxiety is much more than just feelings of shyness; it is 'shyness on steroids'.  Also, people who are introverted don't necessarily struggle with social anxiety. Introversion is a personality trait but not a mental health condition.

Because of the intensity of the fear those struggling with social anxiety will often attempt to avoid the very situation that causes the fear in the first place. This creates difficulties if you are looking to meet a partner and are highly fearful of being exposed in a dating situation.

We briefly talk about the brain science behind anxiety, in particular the role of the amygdala, the small almond shaped region in your brain that controls fear responses. In people with social anxiety there is a significant  increase in amygdala responses.

The only way to address social anxiety is to create experiences that show you that your underlying assumptions about a social situation may not be true. The more you lean into situations that are scary for you, the more you will eventually lose the fear of these situations.  In therapy, anxieties are usually addressed through gradual 'exposure' to the very situation that you invest with so many negative associations.

Often socially anxious people are fearful of not having anything to talk about when going on a date. As a conversation starter you may want to look at the New York Times The 36 Questions that Lead to Love - some of the questions are quite intimate, others are great for exploration and to initiate a discussion that may be quite interesting.

If you want to explore in more detail how you function in relationships, head over to our comprehensive course, The Relationship Maze. We help you understand yourself and your partner, improve your communication skills  and work on building a long lasting, loving relationship.

Here's what one of our subscribers had to say about the course: 'I found the strategies suggested enabled me to see myself differently and explain why repeated approaches to relationships always had the same outcome. A real “light bulb” moment for me. There is a great wealth of material available on this site - such great value for money. I highly recommend The Relationship Maze'

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.