The Generous Husband Daily Rant – Details, episodes & analysis

On Sunday July 15, 2001, I did the first post for The Generous Husband. Today, some 8,000 posts later, I write this last one. It’s certainly bitter-sweet, but I’m not giving up blogging, so it’s okay. (If you want to follow the new blog it’s https://doingmarriagewell.com – and I start Saturday.) Doing this blog has been a big part of my life for a very long time. I’ve enjoyed getting to know many of you online, and some of you in person. It’s been a blast, and a blessing. My thanks to all of you.

The image here is the original top banner for the blog.

I’ve thought a lot about what I want to leave you with. I’m rerunning the first post about prayer at the bottom, because every marriage needs prayer! Beyond that, I want to talk about getting help.

Lori and I have worked with a great many marriages over the years. We now coach online, if you want to connect with us. We’ve had plenty of couples tell us that third party help has improved or saved their marriage. We’ve also had couples say it made their sex lives better. You have to be willing to do the work, but if you are, a bit of skilled guidance can make a huge difference.

When I was young, Christians didn’t go for help. It was as if seeking help was admitting to a horrible sin. Couples suffered in silence, and marriages died in silence. God is clear that we’re supposed to seek wise counsel, and we’re commanded to help others in the body of Christ.

If you need help, please get it. If you don’t need it, but would benefit from it, please get help. 

Do you find it difficult to pray for your wife because you aren’t sure what to pray about? Try praying based on the first letter of the day:

Sunday pray for her Spiritual walk
Monday pray for her Moods and Mental health
Tuesday pray for her Thought life
Wednesday pray for her Weaknesses to be healed
Thursday pray for her Time usage
Friday pray for her Friendships
Saturday pray for her Sexuality

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The post Farewell to The Generous Husband first appeared on The Generous Husband.

On Tuesday, I said your wife’s needs are valid, even though they’re different.  What about her sexual needs?

Even if a woman is all about sex, it’s not as high on her list as is the case for most men. Usually, sex doesn’t make a woman feel loved. Rather, she wants sex because she feels loved. Beyond that, if you have the higher drive, she may rarely get to full desire. Perhaps she says yes out of love, or obligation, when she’s not feeling it. Or she says no initially, and then says yes as soon as she is close to wanting it.

This is very different from your reality. Can you imagine what it must be like for her? Can you see how it would affect her sexually? Something else, what if she feels she’s supposed to orgasm every time she has sex? What if you expect this of her and have made it clear it’s not good sex if you’re the only one who comes?

The real problem is most of us have a small, skewed view of what constitutes sex. If we had a broader view, sex would be easier and better for both spouses.

Sex should be an activity done by a couple that includes contact of a sexual nature. It could last a minute, or an hour, or anywhere in-between. It should include as many orgasms as each spouse wants, with zero being a valid number. And each spouse should be free to decide at any point during sex if they do or don’t want an orgasm on that occasion.

If this was how your wife saw sex, and she knew you saw it the same way, it would be easier for her to say yes to sex. It would also be easier for her to initiate sex; even if she was just doing it for you.

Is how you define sex limiting or hurting your sex life?

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The post Redefining Sex So It’s Easier And Better for Both of You first appeared on The Generous Husband.

Have you ever tried the “ask for sex every night” approach, figuring the more often you ask, the more often she will say yes? Or, maybe you have no idea why she says yes or no, so you figure you should ask all the time so you don’t miss an occasion when she might say yes. Basically fire blindly and hoping you hit the target occasionally!

I’ve been there, I’ve done that, and I found it didn’t work so well. If you think about it, why would it? If your wife, or your child, or anyone else, did the same to you over something, don’t you think you would come to resent it? Might you feel so nagged you would start to say no just out of annoyance? What’s more, if they asked when you were clearly busy, or over worked, or just so tired you couldn’t stand it, how would you feel about them for being so inconsiderate?

Why would your daily requests for sex be received any differently?

Yes, I know you’re not getting enough, and asking less when you want more seems counter-productive. However, if you think about what I said above, you should see why better targeting your asking could result in more sex and less aggravation for both of you.

The key here is to figure out when/why she says no. It may seem completely random, but it is not. The problem is there are a number of factors involved, so it is a difficult formula to decipher.

• Time of month is huge if she is not pregnant, past menopause, or on hormonal contraceptives. She should be most receptive (if not chasing you) around ovulation, which is 14 days before her next period. The week before that, she is likely to be more receptive than at other times. After she ovulates, she is less receptive. Just before and during menstruation varies from women to woman.
• Tiredness, from lack of sleep, is probably the next biggest factor.
• Stress from a long day, and ongoing stress, are also big factors.
• How well she has connected with you the last 24 to 36 hours is important. Remember, her love language determines how she feels loved and connected.

There are plenty of other factors, well beyond what I can list here. Start thinking about it; make notes about the 24 hours before when she says yes, and likewise when she says no. Record as much as possible and you should start to find patterns. Does she always say no on laundry day, or after taking the kids to some specific event? Is she likely to say yes when she gets some quiet time in the evening, or the day after a date with you? Keep playing detective, and you should find the clues needed to learn when asking is a waste of time (and a good way to aggravate her) and when your odds are better. I realise not asking doesn’t help you directly, but if it makes her feel less exhausted about sex, that’s good for both of you.

[This post first appeared Nov 24, 2012.]

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The post FF: Decoding Her Desire: Stop Shooting Blind first appeared on The Generous Husband.

Some folks worry about what’s average, and if they measure up.

Here’s the thing: the average person is overweight and not getting nearly enough exercise. The average Christian is falling short of what Jesus called us to do. The average number of lifetime sexual partners in the US is 10.7. And the average couple is deep in debt, too busy, too stressed, and has a forty percent chance of ending up divorced.

Most of what is average is unhealthy, wrong, and possibly sin. If nothing else, average is setting the bar way, way too low.

God calls us to be in the world, but not of it. What the world sees as average, acceptable, or even good is irrelevant. God calls us to way more. If your marriage isn’t great or moving that way, it’s not what God wants for you. I say that to challenge you, not shame you. An “okay marriage” is not okay with God.

If your marriage isn’t what it should be, what are you going to do about it? Are you willing to put in the effort to be kinder, more generous, and to give more grace? Are you ready to forgive and move on? Are you ready to seek help? We tend to think of getting help as something we do when it’s horrible. The reality is, improving is way easier than fixing.

Don’t be average, be extraordinary!

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The post Beyond Average: God’s Plan for Your Marriage first appeared on The Generous Husband.

The end of this month, I will stop doing The Generous Husband blog, after almost 24 years. I know it’s time, but I’ve still had a hard time letting go and moving on. I made plans for the next thing, but didn’t initially feel much passion for it.

Slowly I made peace with the change, grieved, and started to focus on Doing Marriage Well. And as I have done that, have become excited about where I’m going next.

TGH hasn’t been static over the years, but it has remained mostly in the box it was created in. And that has limited me. It’s kept me from reaching out to couples as couples. Adding The XY Code allowed me to speak to wives, but it was still not dealing with couples.

Doing Marriage Well will be sort of coaching via blog. I think it will be more powerful and will bring about far more positive growth and change. And I would have missed that had I been unwilling to let go and move on.

Where in your life, and your marriage, are you missing out on something good because you’ve been unwilling to let go and move on?

If you want to join me on my next venture, you can go to Doing Marriage Well and sign up for emails in the upper right corner. Lori is blogging there till the end of the month, but her stuff is well worth your time!

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The post Letting Go and Moving on… To Something Better! first appeared on The Generous Husband.

Here it comes again, guys, that day known as Valentine’s Day.

Dislike it, hate it, or fear it, it’s a fact of life. You can’t run from it, and ignoring it is not a good plan.

I know some of you fear you can’t get it right, and some of you know from experience that you can’t. But that doesn’t mean you should do nothing. Make a reasonable loving gesture, because it’s the right and loving thing to do.

BTW, expecting sex on V-day when it’s never happened in the past is setting yourself up for disappointment and your marriage for frustration. If you want to be proactive, tell her you think it should be a sex free day. What’s the worst that could happen?

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The post Valentine’s Day: Navigating Love and Expectation first appeared on The Generous Husband.

Recently, my dear wife said to me, “Thank you for thinking about lube and vibrators.”

I recall that when I first suggested a “sex toy” she was hesitant. And that’s putting it kindly. I get it, we were taught that good people don’t use such things. We also got the message that using them would somehow hurt your sex life.

What made it an even harder sell was we technically didn’t need it. We were having mutually satisfying sex without a vibrator. It sometimes took more effort and time than either of us would like, but we managed.

In time, I talked her into trying a small egg vibrator. And it made sex better for both of us. We found it was a tool, and we all know the right tools make anything easier.

In the intervening decades, we have recommended various sex tools to a number of folks. The suggestion is usually based on a specific need or struggle. Most have tried what we suggest, and most of those report it was somewhere between helpful and revolutionary.

A few specific tools and how they can help:

• Egg vibrator: A versatile tool that can be used by you on her, her on you, or between your bodies during face to face intercourse. The between your bodies trick allows some women who normally can’t do so to orgasm from intercourse. You can grab one with a corded controller for less than $10. If you like it, I strongly recommend a quality tool with a remote control.
• If you get hard, but not as hard as you would like, or have difficulty staying hard, a penis ring can make a huge difference.
• If your length is a problem for her, the Ohnut Bumper is a must have.
• If she’s not feeling as much as she would like, or is feeling less due to menopause, an enhancement cream can help.
• If she struggles with doing manual or oral sex on you, a stroker can make it easier for her, and more enjoyable for you.
• Sex furniture can make sex more comfortable, or help you work around physical limitations.

If your wife is likely to be nervous about these things, don’t just buy one and spring it on her. Talk about the specific issue and a tool that could help. Or, if you just want to explore and try to make sex better, ask her to check out Married Dance with you. It’s a safe, no porn, Christian site. Unless she says “We need one of those” I’d suggest you make the first trip exploratory and don’t expect to buy anything. 

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The post Enhancing Sexual Intimacy: A Pastor Talks “Sex Tools” first appeared on The Generous Husband.

My wife puts up with me.

It’s not that I am a horrible person, but I know I can be a challenge. I see life as an adventure looking for a place to happen, and I feel obligated to make room for as much adventure as possible. In addition, I figure if something is worth doing, it’s worth doing to excess. Case in point, last weekend I spent a good deal of time turning sixty pounds of home-grown tomatoes into 7 gallons of tomato purée. This tied up the kitchen for a good while, and I required help from Lori a couple of times.

My point here is we’re all complex people, and the “other side” of something we like in our spouse can be something we have to put up with at times. You married her because she was so outgoing, but her always wanting to go out sometimes wearies you. She married you because you had the self-control and money sense she lacked, but she gets upset when you’re “stingy”. She married you because she loved how creative you are, but it comes with a messy side that drives her crazy.

Behaviours, personality types, and other preferences have both an upside and a downside. Expecting your wife to remove the “annoying part” while maintaining the part you like is asking something impossible. The best option is to accept the parts you could do without as part of the whole. Focus on the good, and downplay the annoyances. My wife has been greatly enjoying some of the best tomato basil soup ever made. She also says she loves the adventures I get her into, at least most of them.  And she is never bored… even if she might like to be on occasion.

If the annoying side is destructive, to her, you, or others, or if it just bothers you so much you can’t ignore it, ask her to tone it down some. But understand it’s part of the whole, and not easily limited.

[This post first appeared Oct 27, 2012.]

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The post Embracing the Whole Package, Quirks and All first appeared on The Generous Husband.

Change is difficult, and it can be costly. It takes a commitment of time and energy.

If you’re not ready to make that commitment, seeking help is a waste of time and money. If you’re too busy to give it the time it will take, that’s also a waste. You also have to be in an emotional space where you can open up and possibly hear difficult things.

Not being ready for help is a real thing, and it’s not always because the person is unwilling to change. Seeking help when you’re not ready is a bad idea. It’s making a promise you can’t keep. It will lead to disappointment and could make things worse.

If your wife is pushing you to go with her for help, and you know you’re not ready, be honest. Tell her you want to do what it will take to have a better marriage, but at the moment you can’t. If you can tell her why you can’t, that will help.

It’s not uncommon for an individual to come for a session or two, and then stop, only to come back months or even years later when they are ready. And that’s just fine.

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The post Lessons from Coaching: The Importance of Readiness first appeared on The Generous Husband.

As Lori and I have been doing coaching, the importance of being good-willed has been driven home to me. If both spouses are good-willed, the couple will almost certainly move towards a better marriage with just a bit of help. If either one is not good-willed, the chances of success are very low.

Merriam-Webster defines good-willed as a kindly feeling of approval and support. I’d add it means giving the benefit of the doubt. If that’s not the default for both spouses, change will be slow and difficult.

If your marriage has real issues, both of you being good-willed probably won’t solve them. But it’s a necessary condition for real healing and change.

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The post Lessons from Coaching: The Power of Good Will in Marriage first appeared on The Generous Husband.