The Boundaries.me Podcast – Details, episodes & analysis

Much of your thinking is automatic, and that can be a great thing. No one needs to analyze every stroke of the toothbrush, so to speak. The problem, Dr. Henry Cloud contends, is when we default to thinking patterns that don’t work for situations that require us to be more considered and deliberate with our minds. One of the issues is that automatic thinking can lead to deeply ingrained patterns of behavior that self-reinforce. You have to ask yourself some questions about these automatic thoughts. Here’s a big one: are these even thoughts? Maybe this won’t surprise you, but no, classically speaking many of these automatic thoughts don’t meet the criteria of thoughts. These ideas, constructs, or concepts might pop into your head, but they aren’t considered, they aren’t critiqued. They are thoughts, but they require no thinking. Dr. Cloud shares ways to start actively thinking again so that you can take control of your life in areas you’re overlooking. 

Written Question:

 Dr. Cloud addresses a question about dealing with a spouse diagnosed with narcissism who frequently turns conversations into arguments. He discusses the complexity of narcissistic personality disorder, emphasizing that not all cases are alike. Dr. Cloud suggests considering whether the narcissism is rooted in strength or weakness, as this affects the approach to dealing with it. The main advice Dr. Cloud offers is to stop engaging in these fights. He uses the analogy of a boxing match, explaining that it takes two people to argue. He recommends setting boundaries by refusing to continue unproductive conversations, suggesting phrases like "I don't think this is helping" or "I'm not comfortable talking about this right now." Dr. Cloud emphasizes the importance of removing oneself from the situation and proposing alternative ways to address issues, such as discussing them in a counseling session.

Carol needs help moving forward with her life after ending her relationship with her parents. She ruminates and finds herself playing back everything that has happened over the years. What can she do truly move on?

Written Question:

What kind of advice do you have for young leaders as they take on more responsibility?

Dr. Henry Cloud wants to help you take back control of your time and energy. You'll learn powerful strategies to prioritize what matters, set healthy boundaries, and achieve your goals with less stress and more joy. Time is a Finite Resource is a 2 hour workshop that will transform how you use your time. Go to https://www.boundaries.me/time to get a special offer on the upcoming workshop!

If you want to call in or watch the show live, subscribe on YouTube and click the Bell icon. It will alert you whenever we go live and will be your cue to call in and ask Dr. Cloud for advice.

https://youtube.com/drhenrycloud

Dr. Cloud discusses the concept of time management from a different perspective. He argues that rather than managing time itself, which is finite and unchangeable, the focus should be on how we manage ourselves within that time. Dr. Cloud identifies common reasons people may not use their time effectively, such as feeling emotionally isolated, having poor boundaries in saying no to requests, and excessive perfectionism. He gives the example of his father's philosophy of doing things "good enough for who it's for" to avoid wasting time on unnecessary perfectionism. Dr. Cloud suggests evaluating if an activity truly aligns with one's values and priorities before investing more time in it. The core idea is being intentional about how you "invest" yourself and your energy within the limited time available. Rather than time management tactics, this talk examines mindsets and motivations that can lead to poor time utilization.

Answering a viewer’s written question, Dr. Cloud addresses a common dilemma: how to manage time effectively in a busy life. Rather than encouraging viewers to do more, he suggests focusing on achieving greater effects with the time available. Using relatable analogies like mowing grass with scissors versus a lawnmower, he demonstrates how changing work methods can enhance productivity. Dr. Cloud also discusses outsourcing tasks and prioritizing what truly matters. He acknowledges that as one grows personally and professionally, demands increase, making strategic time management crucial. The key, he argues, is not to do more, but to identify and focus on high-priority tasks that align with one's goals and values.

Sandy has a 35 year old son who has overcome opioid addiction and is in a much better place. She’s noticed that he’s drinking far too much and seems like a functioning alcoholic. How can she have a conversation with him without bringing up the trauma of the past intervention they had over opioids?

Dr. Henry Cloud wants to help you take back control of your time and energy. You'll learn powerful strategies to prioritize what matters, set healthy boundaries, and achieve your goals with less stress and more joy. Master Your Time, Master Your Life is a 2 hour workshop that will transform how you use your time. Go to https://www.boundaries.me/time to get a special offer on the upcoming workshop!

If you want to call in or watch the show live, subscribe on YouTube and click the Bell icon. It will alert you whenever we go live and will be your cue to call in and ask Dr. Cloud for advice.

https://youtube.com/drhenrycloud

Much of how we bond and attach to others is formed in early childhood. Dr. Henry Cloud shows you how to look at your attachment style and find ways to get to a secure attachment. The attachments you have early on, whether healthy, inconsistent, or toxic, will have a huge affect on you. How do you experience your need for others? This is a critical aspect to how you attach. When your relationship with your needs are filled with conflict your attachment will be unsteady. Dr. Cloud breaks down the contributing factors that lead to secure attachment. This is a big talk, but you’ll understand so much more about how and why you’re having trouble with your attachments.

Audience Question:

I suspect my boundaries need some maintenance. What are the signs I can look for that will tell me if I need to set stronger boundaries?

Jackie recently had a second child. Some of the women in her family are critical of her for not losing her baby weight like she did with her first child. How can she get them to drop the subject as it’s not helping and making her not want to see them?

Jacqueline needs to unfriend someone. The silent treatment isn’t working. Is there a good way to break off a friendship and go no-contact?

Being estranged from someone you once were close to can be a painful reality to live in. Should you reconcile? When? How? How can we fix the pain of estrangement? Does it get easier? What is my role in this process? What is mine to own? What should I do?

Dr. Cloud wants to help you navigate this terrain.  Go to https://boundaries.me/reconcile to find out more about the 2 hour live webinar with Dr. Cloud.

If you want to call in or watch the show live, subscribe on YouTube and click the Bell icon. It will alert you whenever we go live and will be your cue to call in and ask Dr. Cloud for advice.

https://youtube.com/drhenrycloud

By and large, personality type tests are very helpful as an initial assessment tool. But Dr. Henry Cloud wants you to get a better understanding of what they are actually useful for and where they fall short. One of the great things about them is that they allow us to see that a person’s behavior might not be coming from some malicious place, but from a propensity based on their personality. That's a huge step forward in building healthy relationships! Here’s the problem: a lot of people will take these tests and see themselves and others in a fixed way. While the personality tests can show the result of certain traits, they don’t explain the “why” of it. Dr. Cloud walks us through the polarity of personality tests and how to use these types of tests in a more holistic way. 

Written question:

My partner insists we stay up all night if we fight, saying we shouldn't go to bed mad. But this makes everything worse! Am I wrong for needing space?

Jessica has an estranged relationship with her mom and needs advice. Can she follow the Bible and honor her mother while also not communicating with her?

Maria is dealing with a triangulation problem. She’s separated from her husband and he is using her mother to persuade her. How can she stop this from happening?

Jenny’s mother has a drinking problem. She is constantly drinking wine and now she’s falling often. How can she encourage her to get help when her mother gets angry whenever the subject is brought up?

Being estranged from someone you once were close to can be a painful reality to live in. Should you reconcile? When? How? How can we fix the pain of estrangement? Does it get easier? What is my role in this process? What is mine to own? What should I do?

Dr. Cloud wants to help you navigate this terrain.  Go to https://boundaries.me/reconcile to find out more about the 2 hour live webinar with Dr. Cloud.

If you want to call in or watch the show live, subscribe on YouTube and click the Bell icon. It will alert you whenever we go live and will be your cue to call in and ask Dr. Cloud for advice.

https://youtube.com/drhenrycloud

What thoughts come to mind when you think of responsibility? Is it burdensome, negative, or toxic? If you think that you’re not alone. The word often gets twisted during our upbringing because it’s brought down on you, it’s used in a repressive and toxic way. Dr. Henry Cloud wants you to think differently about responsibility. Outside pressure and duty are often associated with responsibilities, and if those extrinsic factors went away you would not keep those responsibilities. Dr. Cloud elaborates on how to transform the external side of responsibility into internal choice. How you think about your responsibilities as a choice is critical for developing empowerment in your life. Reality will always hold you responsible, but whether you take responsibility for your role in what happens has to be your choice. 

Write-in question of the day:

I haven't spoken to my son in several years and it's the most painful loss I've ever experienced. His father was very hard on him. Too hard, and I didn't step in when I should have. He was a very stern man. Never physically abusive, but highly judgmental and not an ounce of love to give. I'm now divorced and I want to reconnect with my son but he isn't returning my calls. What can I do?

Jill stores trauma from her past in her body. She gets tense pains in her neck, back, shoulders, and stomach when she needs to speak up for herself around the family that caused the trauma.

Jennifer and her husband are in disagreement about their church. Her husband is against the core principles of his church but she wants to stay.

Being estranged from someone you once were close to can be a painful reality to live in. Should you reconcile? When? How? How can we fix the pain of estrangement? Does it get easier? What is my role in this process? What is mine to own? What should I do?

Dr. Cloud wants to help you navigate this terrain.  Go to https://boundaries.me/reconcile to find out more about the 2 hour live webinar with Dr. Cloud.

If you want to call in or watch the show live, subscribe on YouTube and click the Bell icon. It will alert you whenever we go live and will be your cue to call in and ask Dr. Cloud for advice.

https://youtube.com/drhenrycloud

You may have heard from this show that motivation is not correlated with goal achievement–in fact it can be inversely correlated with it. What then are the factors that have the biggest impact on accomplishing goals? Dr. Henry Cloud shows us that what matters most is first the belief that your goal can be achieved. The second factor is prioritization. In this short talk, Dr. Cloud will help you get clear about what really works for making things happen in your life. Remember, if everything is a priority, nothing is a priority.

Write-in Question:

I haven't spoken to my son in several years and it's the most painful loss I've ever experienced. His father was very hard on him. Too hard, and I didn't step in when I should have. He was a very stern man. Never physically abusive, but highly judgmental and not an ounce of love to give. I'm now divorced and I want to reconnect with my son but he isn't returning my calls. What can I do?

Jaret got divorced 2 year ago and wants to reconcile the marriage. His big question is whether his desire to reconcile is coming from a good place or a place of fear.

Kathy lives with a friend that’s a hoarder. When Kathy throws things away they find their way back into the house. How can she confront the friend in a peaceful way about starting the cleanup process?

Laura feels stuck in a pattern of self-betrayal. She’s a journalist and doesn’t feel comfortable talking about her faith at work.

Being estranged from someone you once were close to can be a painful reality to live in. Should you reconcile? When? How? How can we fix the pain of estrangement? Does it get easier? What is my role in this process? What is mine to own? What should I do?

Dr. Cloud wants to help you navigate this terrain.  Go to https://boundaries.me/reconcile to find out more about the 2 hour live webinar with Dr. Cloud.

If you want to call in or watch the show live, subscribe on YouTube and click the Bell icon. It will alert you whenever we go live and will be your cue to call in and ask Dr. Cloud for advice.

https://youtube.com/drhenrycloud

“Resilience” is a word that is thrown around a lot these days, and for good reason. We could all use a little more of it. But what is resilience, and how does one become more resilient? Dr. Henry Cloud breaks down the subject like this: There are negative events in your life from a small problem to something potentially catastrophic. Those are the external things that happen. Resilience lies within the person responding to those events. How you see yourself, how you view your own strength and confidence, the experiences you have had–all of these lead to your resilience. Your resilience is your capacity to deal with these challenges that come into your life. So how can you change your capacity? Your words. Dr. Cloud wants you to look at your words, and to understand how much they can affect your resiliency. How you say things to yourself about what’s happening directly influences how you interpret the event and its outcome. 

Write-in Question:

I've dealt with a lot of anxiety in the past, both social anxiety and just general panic-y feelings, crippling self-doubt. This has gone on forever. But lately my friends have been saying they think I have ADHD. They've been sending me memes about ADHD and saying, "This is SO you!" And I have to admit. It is! A friend said there is a connection between ADHD and anxiety. Is that true?

Tina has a son with severe mental illnesses. He’s 38 and is refusing medication. What are her option before involuntary commitment?

Kathleen wants to know when she should stop hoping for further improvements in her husband. He has bipolar disorder and has made great strides but is plateauing in his growth. How can she encourage him to keep growing when he might already be maxed out?

Beth’s husband is emotionally immature. Their therapist has confirmed what she already knows: he can’t take feedback and gets defensive easily. What are some strategies for getting him on the right track?

Being estranged from someone you once were close to can be a painful reality to live in. Should you reconcile? When? How? How can we fix the pain of estrangement? Does it get easier? What is my role in this process? What is mine to own? What should I do?

Dr. Cloud wants to help you navigate this terrain.  Go to https://boundaries.me/reconcile to find out more about the 2 hour live webinar with Dr. Cloud.

If you want to call in or watch the show live, subscribe on YouTube and click the Bell icon. It will alert you whenever we go live and will be your cue to call in and ask Dr. Cloud for advice.

https://youtube.com/drhenrycloud

Wanting to do something and actually doing it are two very different things. Dr. Henry Cloud wants you to stop thinking of motivation as the key to success. While of course motivation is an important part of getting started, it can also cause problems. Hope deferred makes the heart sick, as the Bible says, and motivations that don’t lead to actions can cause their own set of problems along these same lines. An addict may want to get clean and be motivated to do so, but at each turn they find an obstacle and it doesn’t get them to sobriety. As these motivations accrue and lead to dead ends a new pattern emerges: helplessness. You can’t depend on motivation to get you to where you want to go. It ebbs and flows and it will let you down. So what does work when you have the motivation? Prioritization, habits, patterns, practices, accountability partners. Dr. Cloud wants you to keep your motivation, but be mindful that it’s not the fuel that leads to the end game. Let your motivation lead you to a new habit that’s more sustainable than motivation alone.

Write-in Question:

I have a short temper and I often wind up alienating myself from others because I am quick to get angry. It's probably affecting my blood pressure (which is high) and my overall mental health, and obviously the quality of my relationships too. Even when I try to suppress my anger, I find myself acting in a passive aggressive way. How can I learn to control my anger before it controls me?

Lindsey needs help with reestablishing priorities again. She got on the wrong track and wants to rethink how she views prioritizing the healthy habits she used to have.

Leslie gets insecure about the men she’s dating and whether they are interested in other women. How can she tell if this is just jealousy or her intuition picking up on a bigger problem?

Theresa has a problem with a brother she loves that also has some anger issues. How can she bring peace to the situation without sweeping the problems under the rug?

Being estranged from someone you once were close to can be a painful reality to live in. Should you reconcile? When? How? How can we fix the pain of estrangement? Does it get easier? What is my role in this process? What is mine to own? What should I do?

Dr. Cloud wants to help you navigate this terrain.  Go to https://boundaries.me/reconcile to find out more about the 2 hour live webinar with Dr. Cloud.

If you want to call in or watch the show live, subscribe on YouTube and click the Bell icon. It will alert you whenever we go live and will be your cue to call in and ask Dr. Cloud for advice.

https://youtube.com/drhenrycloud

Narcissism has become such a commonplace word that not only has it lost its specificity, but in doing so it has become difficult to identify the types of narcissistic behavior you might be dealing with. Dr. Henry Cloud wants you to learn what type of narcissistic patterns a person may have. Some narcissists can change for the better, and others can’t. Dr. Cloud describes the different underlying causes of this behavior and how you can address the entitlement that it presents as. In some cases you need to stay clear of these people, In other cases, through patience and love, they can find the vulnerability they need to become their real selves. 

-Sarah has cut off contact with her mother but has family engagements where she can’t avoid her. How can she protect her sense of peace when her mother is around?

-Kimberly has experienced rejection, whether from romantic partners or her own kids. How can she stop ruminating and playing out regrets?

-Megan is a positive person, but when it comes to her future she has a really tough time seeing positive outcomes happening. What can she do to change her self-talk to something more positive?

Being estranged from someone you once were close to can be a painful reality to live in. Should you reconcile? When? How? How can we fix the pain of estrangement? Does it get easier? What is my role in this process? What is mine to own? What should I do?

Dr. Cloud wants to help you navigate this terrain.  Go to https://boundaries.me/reconcile to find out more about the 2 hour live webinar with Dr. Cloud. Take advantage of early sale pricing before 

If you want to call in or watch the show live, subscribe on YouTube and click the Bell icon. It will alert you whenever we go live and will be your cue to call in and ask Dr. Cloud for advice.

https://youtube.com/drhenrycloud

When you’re struggling, you’re usually going to have a symptom: you might be anxious, depressed, afraid, overreacting. You might be getting stuck accomplishing something. Whatever your symptoms might be, Dr. Henry Cloud wants you to see the key differences between symptoms and root causes. Learning more about your symptoms can help you see where your root causes are, but continuing to treat the symptoms without investigating the causes won’t lead to real change. Dr. Cloud wants you to stop and examine your symptoms so that you can get the help you need to address the real underlying causes behind them. It’s a great way to start feeling better.

Write-in Question:
I was in a relationship for years with someone who made me question my own reality. By the end, I felt crazy and didn't know what was real anymore. I've been out of it for a while but I still struggle with self-doubt. Do you have any advice for overcoming the effects of long-term gaslighting?

Barbara wants to know what the process of healing from childhood trauma looks like in terms of time and commitment?

Joy got dumped by a widower after being together for two years, out of nowhere. When they started the relationship he had lost his wife only three months prior and isn’t sure if she was just a rebound-relationship to him.

Donna has a lack of trust that’s causing some serious problems. She doesn’t even trust her doctor. How can she assess trustworthiness better and gain some skills so that she can at least begin trusting at all again?

Being estranged from someone you once were close to can be a painful reality to live in. Should you reconcile? When? How? How can we fix the pain of estrangement? Does it get easier? What is my role in this process? What is mine to own? What should I do?
Dr. Cloud wants to help you navigate this terrain.  Go to https://boundaries.me/reconcile to find out more about the 2 hour live webinar with Dr. Cloud.

If you want to call in or watch the show live, subscribe on YouTube and click the Bell icon. It will alert you whenever we go live and will be your cue to call in and ask Dr. Cloud for advice.
https://youtube.com/drhenrycloud