Welcome to the 3D Parent Podcast! I’m Beaven Walters, your host.
As a certified parent coach, parent educator and mom of 4 children, I am passionate about helping parents navigate the tough stuff while maintaining dignity, direction and deep connection in your family relationships. Throughout this podcast, we will cover topics such as tantrums, sibling conflict, screen time overload and transitioning into the teenage years.
My goal is to provide you with tools that help inform, empower and boost your confidence as a parent so you can make the best decisions possible for you and your family. Parenting is challenging, but you don’t have to do it alone.
I am here to guide you through the 3D Parent approach to parenting, so you can stop struggling and start celebrating all of the time you have with your children.
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As a young parent, I was on a quest for answers, constantly seeking solutions to my child's behaviors. I believed that parenting was about applying techniques and strategies to mold my child's behavior. However, a pivotal moment came when I stumbled upon a quote by Dr. Gordon Neufeld: "Parenting is not about what you do with your child. It's about who you are to your child."
This quote sparked a profound shift in my perspective. I realized that effective parenting goes beyond mere actions; it's about embodying a powerful nurturing presence for our children. This realization led me to explore different parenting styles and to uncover the ideal dynamics in parent-child relationships.
In today's episode, we'll delve into the four main types of parenting styles, examining their strengths and limitations, and lay the groundwork for our exploration of what I have coined the Nurturing Alpha role as parent.
We will explore:
Characteristics of the Nurturing Alpha Role: Identifying the key traits that define this parenting approach.
Skills of a Nurturing Alpha Parent: Discovering the essential skills needed to embody the Nurturing Alpha role.
How to Become a Nurturing Alpha: Practical steps and insights to help you cultivate this empowering presence as a parent.
Join me on this transformative journey towards becoming a Nurturing Alpha parent. Tune in to episode 104 of The 3D Parent Podcast and discover how you can embody the Nurturing Alpha role to cultivate deeper connections with your children and foster their emotional well-being.
Do you have a highly sensitive child? Take the quiz to find out!
If you're looking for personalized guidance and support, consider exploring my parent coaching services. Let's work together to tailor the 3D Parent Approach to your unique parenting journey. CLICK HERE to book a complimentary parent coach consultation call.
Interested in Receiving 2 Free Parent Coaching Sessions? Become a Parent Coaching Guest on the podcast and receive 2 free parent coaching sessions, one to be recorded on my podcast and one private follow-up session to check in and see how implementing the coaching strategies is going for you and your family. CLICK HERE to contact me about this opportunity and let's tackle your parenting concerns together. Your experience can inspire and support other parents facing similar struggles.
Let's rewind a bit to my own journey as a parent. Like many of you, I found myself lost in a sea of conflicting advice, wondering if there was a magic formula to navigate the challenges of raising children. I voraciously consumed parenting books, hoping to uncover the secrets to managing my child's behavior, but soon realized, I was missing the mark.
It wasn't about mastering the latest discipline technique or implementing rigid routines. Instead, it was about embodying a fundamental shift in perspective, one that Dr. Gordon Neufeld beautifully encapsulates: "Parenting is not about what you do with your child. It's about who you are to your child."
This quote struck a chord with me, prompting a profound shift in my approach to parenting. Rather than fixating on external strategies, I began to explore the essence of my role as a parent. Who did I need to be for my child in order to effectively lead, guide, influence, and teach her? How could I cultivate a relationship built on trust, understanding, and genuine connection?
This realization marked a turning point in my journey. It propelled me to delve deeper into the realm of parenting styles, seeking not just a label but a true understanding of what it means to nurture and guide a child. And that's when I stumbled upon the familiar territory of authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and neglectful parenting styles.
Let's break them down, shall we?
Authoritarian parents are all about strict rules and discipline, with little room for negotiation. It's all about obedience and punishment.
Authoritative parents, on the other hand, blend rules with warmth and fairness. They prioritize open communication and positive relationships while enforcing boundaries.
Permissive parents take a more hands-off approach, allowing their children considerable freedom with minimal rules and boundaries.
Neglectful or uninvolved parents, sadly, provide little guidance or attention to their children's needs, resulting in a lack of nurturing and support.
Among these, authoritarian parenting often takes the spotlight for its perceived effectiveness. But here's where it gets confusing – authoritarian or authoritative? Many of us, myself included, struggle to keep those terms straight. And even when we understand the style, it's not always clear how to embody it in our daily interactions with our kids.
And that's where my concept of Nurturing Alpha comes in—a term I coined to encapsulate the essence of effective parenting. Think of it as a refined approach to authoritative parenting, with an emphasis on connection and leadership. A nurturing alpha embodies the qualities of a compassionate leader within the family—a blend of strength and warmth, discipline and nurturing.
So, what does it mean to be a Nurturing Alpha? It's about leading with understanding, respect, and empathy—not through fear or strict rules, but through connection and compassion. It's about creating a home environment where children feel valued, secure, and understood—a place where boundaries and limits are set with love and empathy, fostering emotional growth and resilience.
Characteristics of the Nurturing Alpha Role:
Let's dive deeper into the essence of the Nurturing Alpha role as a parent—or even as a teacher, coach, babysitter, or nanny. This isn't just about parenting; it's about embodying a compassionate leadership style that nurtures growth and connection.
Compassionate Leadership with Compassion: Someone who exudes warmth and kindness, yet commands respect and authority—that's the nurturing alpha in a nutshell. It's about striking that delicate balance between empathy and leadership, creating a safe and supportive environment for our children to thrive in.
Emotional Regulation: this doesn't mean being calm and collected all the time. Emotional regulation is about mastering our own emotions so we can respond thoughtfully and appropriately to our children's needs. Whether it's a gentle reminder to stay away from a hot stove or a comforting embrace during a meltdown, a nurturing alpha knows how to navigate the emotional landscape with finesse.
Attunement to Needs: Nurturing Alphas are masters of tuning in to their children's needs, both emotional and physical. They're not just reacting to behavior—they're digging deeper, understanding the root causes, and responding with sensitivity and insight.
Support through Emotional Challenges: Nurturing Alphas are the rock-solid foundation that children can rely on when the going gets tough. They offer stability, strength, and unwavering support, guiding their children through life's ups and downs with love and compassion. Whether it's a scraped knee or a broken heart, they're there to lend a listening ear and a comforting hug.
Skills of a Nurturing Alpha Parent
Nurturing Alphas are the real MVPs of parenting, blending the best of authoritative techniques with a deep focus on building strong connections with their kids. They're like the mama bears guiding their cubs through the wilderness or the papa ducks keeping their ducklings in line on the pond. —firm yet gentle, protective yet nurturing. That's the essence of a Nurturing Alpha.
Now, let's break down the key skills of Nurturing Alpha parents:
Personal Skills:
Confidence in Authority: Nurturing Alphas exude confidence in their role as guides rather than controllers. They stand tall, maintain eye contact, and lead by example.
Well-Tempered Personality: Emotional stability is key for nurturing alphas. They keep their cool even in the face of meltdowns, preventing conflicts from escalating and maintaining harmony within the family.
Attunement to Needs: These parents have a knack for tuning in to their children's needs, both emotional and physical. They're like emotional detectives, decoding behaviors and addressing deeper issues effectively.
Technical Skills:
Leading with Connection and Playfulness: Nurturing Alphas prioritize building strong bonds through positive interactions rather than fear or coercion. They lead with connection, using playfulness to engage with their children and strengthen their relationship.
Setting Firm Boundaries with Care: While nurturing alphas set firm boundaries and limits, they also express care.Respectful boundaries are enforced to help children learn self-discipline and responsibility.
Anticipating Attachment Needs: These parents proactively seek out and fulfill their children's attachment needs, trumping the need for security and affection rather than waiting for their child to come to them.
Becoming a Nurturing Alpha:
Becoming a Nurturing Alpha isn't about perfection—it's about progress. And trust me, you've already got what it takes to shine as a Nurturing Alpha. So, let's roll up our sleeves and talk about how we can become the Nurturing Alphas our kids need us to be.
Build Self-Awareness and Emotional Regulation:
Recognize and tame those triggers. It's all about responding thoughtfully to parenting challenges without losing your cool. Seek support from coaches or therapists to help you understand and manage your emotional hot buttons.
Practicing Empathy and Active Listening:
Remember, our kids are still learning the ropes of this whole emotions thing. Practice empathy and active listening to truly understand what's driving their behaviors. Be curious, not judgmental, and dive below the surface to uncover the root causes.
Deepening Attachment and Connection:
Take the lead in nurturing a secure, loving relationship with your children. Be proactive in seeking out opportunities to connect and bond, trumping their needs for connection with your steadfast presence and affection.
Discipline with Dignity:
Focus on guidance and leadership, rather than punishment and control. Respect your child's developmental stage and needs, and aim to guide them with empathy and understanding. Check out episodes 88 and 89 of the 3D Parent Podcast for a deep dive into Dignity in Discipline.
Strengthening Emotional Intelligence and Behavior Decoding Skills:
Dive into the world of child development and emotional intelligence to better understand your little ones and their needs. Whether it's through reading, podcasts, or one-on-one coaching, equip yourself with the knowledge and tools to support your children's emotional growth.
So, there you have it—a roadmap to becoming a Nurturing Alpha. Remember, it's not about getting it right every time; it's about showing up, learning, and growing alongside your children. Thanks for tuning in, and I look forward to exploring more parenting insights with you on the next episode of the 3D Parent Podcast.
#103 Parenting Outside the Lines with Guest, Meghan Leahy
Season 2
Sunday, April 28, 2024 • Duration 50:17
In this week's episode of The 3D Parent Podcast, we welcome Meghan Leahy, noted parenting columnist for The Washington Post and author of the book, Parenting Outside the Lines. Meghan's columns resonate with readers through their insightful, practical advice on parenting. This episode offers a glimpse into her motivations for pursuing a career as a parent coach and columnist, along with key moments that shaped her approach to parental guidance.
We will discuss the significant challenges that today’s parents encounter, particularly in fostering deeper connections with their children and managing expectations for acknowledgment and appreciation.
Join us for a thoughtful conversation with Meghan Leahy, as we explore effective strategies for navigating the complexities of parenthood.
If you're looking for personalized guidance and support, consider exploring my parent coaching services. Let's work together to tailor the 3D Parent Approach to your unique parenting journey. CLICK HERE to book a complimentary parent coach consultation call.
Interested in Receiving 2 Free Parent Coaching Sessions? Become a Parent Coaching Guest on the podcast and receive 2 free parent coaching sessions, one to be recorded on my podcast and one private follow-up session to check in and see how implementing the coaching strategies is going for you and your family. CLICK HERE to contact me about this opportunity and let's tackle your parenting concerns together. Your experience can inspire and support other parents facing similar struggles.
CONNECT WITH ME:
#94 Easing Sibling Rivalry-Part 1
Season 2
Sunday, February 18, 2024 • Duration 26:19
DESCRIPTION:
“ My oldest craves more of my time and attention and takes out his frustration on his siblings, especially his younger brother. He is very dismissive and even insulting to his brother.”- Caitlin, Mom of 3 boys
In this special episode of The 3D Parent Podcast, I’m going to help out Caitlin, a devoted mom of three, whose eldest son feels a bit left out lately. He's craving more attention and sometimes ends up picking fights with his little brother.
Feeling stretched thin and overwhelmed, Caitlin wonders how to fill each child's emotional bucket without stirring up more competition. How can she offer one-on-one time without igniting jealousy? And in the chaos of sibling squabbles, how can she intervene effectively?
As a fellow parent of multiple children, I know the feeling of being pulled in all directions and I'm here to lend a hand. Using my 3D Parent approach, we'll start by gaining clarity on the situation: Is it Caitlin, her children, or their dynamic as a family unit that needs attention? Let's dive in and make sense of what is going on in this family so we can move towards finding some practical solutions to ease the tension and restore harmony in Caitlin's household.
READY TO TAKE YOUR PARENTING TO THE NEXT LEVEL?:
For 3D Parent Coaching Services:
If you're looking for personalized guidance and support, consider exploring my parent coaching services. Let's work together to tailor the 3D Parent Approach to your unique parenting journey. CLICK HERE to book a complimentary parent coach consultation call.
Interested in Receiving 2 Free Parent Coaching Sessions? Become a Parent Coaching Guest on the Podcast:
Are you ready to share your parenting challenges and triumphs? Become a parent coaching guest and receive 2 free parent coaching sessions, one to be recorded on my podcast and one private follow up session to check in and see how implementing the coaching strategies is going for you and your family. to contact me about this opportunity and let's tackle your parenting concerns together. Your experience can inspire and support other parents facing similar struggles.
CULTIVATING A DEEP CONNECTION WITH OUR CHILDREN
Season 1 · Episode 3
Sunday, December 8, 2019 • Duration 46:32
“Let's raise children who won't have to recover from their childhood.” - Pam Leo
On this episode of the 3D Parent Podcast, I want to go deep in discussing deep connection with your children. First we’ll look at a couple of studies regarding the different types of connection that can be used to classify young children. Then we’ll discuss in depth the different stages of attachment and what stage looks like.
Before the conclusion of the episode, I will also identify some roadblocks for you that are common challenges that come up for parents in trying to establish a connection with their child. Finally, I will give you some tips so you can start incorporating connection at every attachment stage to help you reach your goal as a parent as your child’s secret keeper.
If you have enjoyed this episode of the podcast, take a screenshot, share it on Instagram and tag me, @the3Dparent
Do you have a parenting question for an upcoming episode? I would LOVE to connect with you and answer your questions. Please share your parenting question here!
“You need to develop a sense of curiosity about your child, and you cannot get sucked up into the emotions of what’s going on.”
This week on the podcast I will be talking about the 3D Parent approach and how you can start making that transition in your home today. Now, this won’t be easy, especially if you are used to trying to control your child’s behaviors with rewards and punishment. This may feel very foreign to you and you may feel like you have no idea what you’re doing. That is completely normal, but I want to encourage you to not give up.
In this episode I will break down the difference between approaching your child’s behaviors from a behaviorist perspective vs. a developmentalist perspective, and how to start making the transition to nurture their development without trying to force them into a box.
If you have enjoyed this episode of the podcast, take a screenshot, share it on Instagram and tag me, @the3Dparent
Do you have a parenting question for an upcoming episode? I would LOVE to connect with you and answer your questions. Please share your parenting question here!
“The answers were not in a book or a workshop. The answer was right there in front of me … I had to get to know [my daughter] on a much deeper level …”
Welcome to the 3D Parent Podcast! This week on the podcast I will be giving you an introduction to my background, my passions and how parenting with dignity, direction and deep connection can change your relationship with not only your child, but with your spouse as well.
Before I became a certified parent coach, I taught in various educational settings for over 10 years and have ALWAYS had a passion for helping children. But when I became a parent, and couldn’t find the answer to help my child, I realized a new passion: teaching parents how to cultivate deep connections and understanding with their children.
To hear the whole story you’re going to have to listen to the episode!
If you have enjoyed this episode of the podcast, take a screenshot, share it on Instagram and tag me, @the3Dparent
Do you have a parenting question for an upcoming episode? I would LOVE to connect with you and answer your questions. Please share your parenting question here!
In today's episode, we'll explore how you can support your child through moments of heightened anxiety and help them build resilience for the future. Anxiety is a natural part of life, it isn't something to be feared or avoided. It's a natural and necessary human emotion that helps us navigate the world safely. However with anxiety disorders on the rise among children and adolescents, it's more important than ever for parents to understand how to support their children through this challenging emotion and provide a sense of safety. Today, I'll be giving you practical tools to help you do just that.
Here's what you'll learn in this episode:
The significance of building a securely attached relationship with your child, which serves as your most parenting powerful tool in guiding them through difficult emotions, like anxiety.
Understanding co-regulation and how it empowers you to help your child manage overwhelming emotions by utilizing your own regulated emotional state.
A proactive strategy called "Name It to Tame It," which involves personifying your child's anxiety to help them separate it from their core identity and regain control over this powerful emotion.
Six practical steps to effectively co-regulate with your anxious child, including selecting suitable stress and anxiety regulation tools, reassessing their anxiety level, and repeating the co-regulation process as needed.
Now, if you're looking for more insights into anxiety and parenting, be sure to check out episode 50 of "The 3D Parent" podcast, where I cover a range of tips and perspectives on parenting an anxious child. It's a great companion to today's episode and can provide you with even more valuable information.
Thank you for tuning in to today's episode of The 3D Parent Podcast. If you found this content helpful, be sure to share it with fellow parents and caregivers. And don't forget to subscribe for our weekly episodes and more insightful episodes on parenting! SHOWNOTES:
Hey there, fellow parents! Today's episode is going to be a bit different than our usual discussions because we're diving deep into a topic that's close to many of our hearts: anxiety in children. If you've ever found yourself wondering, "What do I do when my child is experiencing anxiety," then stick around because I've got some specific strategies to share with you.Now, before we get into the nitty-gritty, I want to give a shoutout to a previous episode where we covered the broader topic of parenting an anxious child. If you haven't listened to Episode 50 yet, titled "Parenting an Anxious Child," I highly recommend giving it a listen. It's a great companion to today's episode and covers some essential do's and don'ts, along with practical tips and perspectives for navigating anxiety in your child.It's important to recognize that anxiety itself is not inherently negative. In fact, it's a fundamental human emotion that serves a valuable purpose. However, when a child experiences overwhelming or frequent anxiety, it can be cause for concern. With children and adolescents facing anxiety at unprecedented rates, it's more important than ever for parents to understand how to support their children through these challenges.
#92: “I Love My Child, but Sometimes I Can’t Stand Him”
Season 2
Sunday, February 4, 2024 • Duration 48:10
DESCRIPTION: Ever find yourself caught in the tug-of-war between absolute love for your child and the occasional, “I'm finding it impossible to deal with my child right now," moment? If so, you're not alone! Join me on Episode #92: “"I Love My Child, But Sometimes I Can't Stand Him," where we're diving headfirst into the candid realities of parenting a more challenging child.
Join me as we unpack:
Understanding the "why" behind your child's behavior
Move past resentment and embrace acceptance, creating a foundation for a more positive parent-child dynamic.
Practical tips to let go of comparisons and celebrate your child's unique personality and strengths.
"Discipline with Dignity" techniques that promote cooperation and mutual respect
This episode is for you if:
You feel like you're constantly on edge with your child.
You struggle with shame, guilt, and self-doubt about your parenting skills.
You wish you could connect with your challenging child on a deeper level.
You're looking for practical tools to manage your child’s frustrating behaviors.
Remember, you're a loving, resilient, and capable parent doing your best. With the appropriate support, self-compassion, and a growth mindset, you can overcome any challenge and cultivate the loving, connected relationship with your child that you aspire to. Tune into Episode #92 for a fresh perspective and practical support.
SHOWNOTES:
Ever find yourself grappling with conflicting emotions towards your child? It's an experience that many parents share but might hesitate to openly discuss.
Challenging children often exhibit attitudes that can be tough to handle. When a child's demeanor is sweet, calm, and affectionate, it's easy to embrace them, but what about those moments when their attitudes provoke unexpected emotions?
How do you open yourself up to connect with a child who may seem a bit more challenging to understand?
#91 Emotional Regulation Through Mindfulness Practices with Aparna Venkatraman
Season 2
Monday, January 29, 2024 • Duration 50:57
Parenting is a beautiful yet challenging journey, especially when faced with the complexities of raising unique and dynamic children. In this heartwarming episode, we dive into the world of emotional regulation through mindfulness with the incredible Aparna Venkatraman, the passionate founder of Beauty in Parenting. Aparna's mission with Beauty in Parenting is clear—to support families worldwide in fostering heart-centered connections. Drawing from her 20 years of experience, she guides parents through the intricacies of emotional regulation, offering insights that touch the soul. Parents, this is an episode you don't want to miss!
Some points we will discuss include:
Mindfulness practices for emotional regulation in parents and children.
Deep breathing techniques.
Meditation techniques
Family connection activities
We all get swept away sometimes. We lose our breath, our patience, our way. We yell, we cry, we wonder if we'll ever find our sanity again. But guess what? We're not alone. And within each of us, there's a wellspring of resilience, a reservoir of strength waiting to be tapped. On this episode, Aparna shows us the power of mindfulness–that quiet revolution that starts with a single inhale, a deliberate exhale.
Did you enjoy today's episode? If yes, share it with your fellow parents with "extra" kids! The more the merrier, right?
Ready to reclaim your mornings from the clutches of chaos? Yes, you read that right. I'm back to talk about morning mayhem again! Episode #6 of Season 1 of the podcast was all about this topic, and here I am again, 84 episodes later, still battling the same beast. But hey, that's the beauty of parenting, right? It's a constant journey of growth and learning, and sometimes we have to revisit the same challenges over and over again.
Why I Chose This Topic (Again!)
There are a few reasons why I felt compelled to bring up morning mayhem once more.
I'm still in it myself: Let's be honest, mornings can be tough for everyone. But for parents of highly sensitive children or kids with ADHD, anxiety, or other challenges, they can be chronically chaotic.
Something is in the water: Maybe it's just coincidence, but I've been hearing from a lot of clients lately who are also struggling with mornings. So, I thought it would be helpful to share my own experiences and the strategies I'm using to try to tame the morning beast once again.
A chance to demonstrate the 3D Parent approach applied to a common challenge: I created the 3D Parent approach as a framework for helping parents navigate the challenges of raising complex children. And what better way to showcase it than by applying it to a real-life problem I'm facing myself?
Dive deep into Episode #90 where I tackle the common challenge of difficult mornings head-on armed with The 3D Parent Approach! You'll discover practical strategies, insightful tips, and a healthy dose of empathy to help you transform your mornings from battlegrounds to blissful beginnings.
READY TO TAKE YOUR PARENTING TO THE NEXT LEVEL?:
**For Coaching Services** If you're looking for personalized guidance and support, consider exploring my parent coaching services. Let's work together to tailor the 3D Parent Approach to your unique parenting journey. CLICK HERE to book a complimentary parent coach consultation call.
**Become a Podcast Guest** Are you ready to share your parenting challenges and triumphs? Become a guest and receive a free parent coaching session on my podcast, and let's tackle your parenting concerns together. Your experience can inspire and support other parents facing similar struggles.
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Today, we're stepping "outside the lines” with special guest, Meghan Leahy, a multifaceted individual juggling the roles of parent, writer, coach, and lover of reality TV. Meghan brings a wealth of experience to the table as a parent to three children, two dogs, and a devoted partner of 23 years. With a diverse background encompassing numerous degrees, certifications, and trainings, Meghan humbly acknowledges that the more she learns, the less she feels she knows. She wears many hats, including that of a parent coach, author of the insightful book "Parenting Outside the Lines," and a parenting columnist at The Washington Post. She's also deeply rooted in Zen Buddhism and is often found soaking up the sun on a beach.
Meghan Leahy’s journey into the world of parenting coaching and writing is a tale of transformation, fueled by a deep understanding of the struggles many families face. As she candidly shares, she wasn't the model child; in fact, she was the kid who challenged every behavioral norm in the book. For her parents, navigating her adolescence was akin to a high-wire act without a safety net.
It's this firsthand experience of being the impossible kid to parent that fuels Meghan's passion for supporting parents today. She understands the frustration, the exhaustion, and the overwhelming love that accompanies raising a challenging child. And it's this empathy that forms the foundation of her coaching philosophy.
But Meghan's journey wasn't a straight path from rebellious teenager to parenting expert. She stumbled into teaching after college, only to realize that her penchant for honesty and authenticity didn't always align with the rigid structures of academia. Yet, it was during her time as a teacher that she discovered her gift for connecting with young people on a deeper level.
Her journey took a decisive turn when students began confiding in her about sensitive topics like relationships and sexuality. Meghan realized that she needed more than just a teaching degree to support these kids effectively. So, she pursued further education, earning a counseling degree from Johns Hopkins University.
Armed with a newfound understanding of family dynamics and human behavior, Meghan embarked on a journey of self-discovery. She attended parenting classes, volunteered in her community, and eventually became a certified parenting coach. And it's this openness to the organic flow of life that defines Meghan's approach to parenting and coaching. She doesn't believe in one-size-fits-all solutions or cookie-cutter advice. Instead, she encourages parents to trust their intuition, embrace the messiness of parenthood, and stay open to the unexpected twists and turns along the way.
In her column for the Washington Post and her book, "Parenting Outside the Lines," Meghan brings this same spirit of authenticity and openness to her writing. She tackles tough questions with compassion and offers insights that challenge conventional wisdom. Her responses are refreshingly unpredictable, reflecting her belief that there's no single right answer when it comes to parenting.
Meghan's Take on the Biggest Obstacles Modern Parents Encounter in Building Meaningful Connections with their Children:
In today's fast-paced world, parenting has become a high-stakes balancing act, with challenges that seem to multiply by the day. From juggling work demands to managing screen time battles, modern parents are facing obstacles that previous generations could hardly imagine. But what are the biggest obstacles that parents face today, and how do they impact our ability to forge meaningful connections with our children?
According to Meghan, one of the biggest obstacles facing parents today is the lack of support systems. In our society, we're bombarded with messages about what it means to be a good parent, yet we're provided with scant resources and support once the baby arrives. From inadequate childcare options to a lack of community networks, parents are often left feeling isolated and overwhelmed.
But perhaps the biggest hurdle of all, in Meghan's opinion, is the pressure to conform to a singular, idealized version of parenting, often perpetuated by folks writing, talking, and sharing on social media. In a country as diverse as ours, with myriad cultures, religions, and belief systems, there's no one-size-fits-all approach to raising children. Yet, we're bombarded with conflicting advice and judgments, leaving us feeling like we're constantly falling short.
Adding fuel to the fire are the systemic problems that plague our society, from unworkable work-life balances to racism to the ever-present pull of technology. As Meghan observes, we live in a world where our kids are simultaneously expected to excel academically while being bombarded with screens from dawn till dusk. It's a recipe for confusion and frustration, with parents caught in the crossfire. But amidst these challenges, Meghan urges parents to resist the pressure to conform to unrealistic standards and instead focus on what truly matters: nurturing meaningful connections with their children.
In the ever-evolving landscape of parenting, one of the most profound lessons we can learn is the power of losing our balance. It may sound counterintuitive, but as Meghan Lahey eloquently puts it, feeling unsure is not a sign of weakness; it's a sign that you're actively engaged in the act of parenting.
Take, for instance, Meghan’s analogy of a tree pose in yoga—a moment of precarious balance where the only certainty is that you will inevitably fall. But what if falling out of the pose was not seen as a failure, but rather an opportunity for growth? This is the essence of parenting outside the lines: embracing uncertainty, navigating challenges with grace, and finding wisdom in moments of vulnerability.
In her book, Meghan explores the idea that parenting is not about having all the answers or achieving perfect outcomes. Rather, it's about cultivating a mindset of curiosity, resilience, and compassion. It's about recognizing that parenting is messy, unpredictable, and profoundly human. And in those moments when we feel most uncertain, we have an opportunity to tap into our intuition and wisdom, rather than seeking external validation or quick fixes.
This perspective challenges the prevailing notion that every misstep or moment of uncertainty is a failure. Instead, Meghan encourages parents to approach parenting with a sense of openness and humility, recognizing that there is no one "right" way to raise a child. It's about embracing the journey, with all its twists and turns, and trusting in our ability to navigate the challenges as they arise.
Part of this journey involves redefining our definitions of “emergencies” in parenting. In a world where every missed homework assignment or skipped practice feels like a crisis, Meghan reminds us to prioritize what truly matters. Drawing on Ross Green's model of problem-solving, she encourages parents to discern between genuine emergencies and everyday challenges that can be addressed with patience, compassion, and collaboration.
And perhaps most importantly, Meghan emphasizes the importance of resilience and self-compassion in the parenting journey. She acknowledges that we will inevitably make mistakes, but it's how we respond to those mistakes that matters most.
How do we let go of a desire for gratitude and validation from our children?
In our conversation, we touched upon the subtle yet significant desire we parents can have for appreciation and gratitude from our children. As parents, we pour our hearts and souls into nurturing our children, from preparing meals to chauffeuring them around town. Yet, when our efforts seem unnoticed or unappreciated, it can stir up feelings of resentment and frustration. But as Meghan so aptly puts it, perhaps we're seeking something that isn't ours to claim. Our children, especially in today's fast-paced world, may not express gratitude in the ways we expect. They're engrossed in their own worlds, navigating the complexities of growing up. And while it's natural to desire validation, pinning our happiness as parents on our children's gratitude sets us up for disappointment.
So, how do we let go of this need? Meghan suggests a radical idea: embracing resentments. Yes, you heard that right. Resentments can be powerful indicators that something's not right in our parent-child dynamic. They're like alarm bells ringing, telling us to pay attention and make some changes. So, if you find yourself stewing in resentment because your kids don't seem to appreciate all that you do for them, don't ignore it. Meghan encourages us to write it down, get it out, and let yourself feel it. Then, once you've released some of that pent-up frustration, it's time to dig a little deeper.
Ask yourself: why does this bother me so much? Is it because of something from my own childhood? Is it because I'm not taking care of myself enough? Is it because I'm expecting too much from my kids?
And then, once you've identified the root cause, it's time to take action. Maybe it means setting clearer boundaries with your kids and teaching them the value of pitching in more around the house or getting a job . Maybe it means prioritizing self-care so that you're not constantly running on empty. Maybe it means reevaluating your own expectations and letting go of the need for validation.
Do No Harm: what does Meghan mean by this and why is it a powerful choice?
In parenting, there's one guiding principle that stands out: do no harm. It's a mantra borrowed from the medical field, a reminder that sometimes, inaction speaks louder than action. I use this phrase in my parenting and in my work with clients as a parent coach. Meghan uses this mantra as well in her work so I wanted to ask about her perspective.
So, I asked Meghan what "do no harm" means to her in the realm of parenting. Meghan delved into the idea that doing no harm isn't about doing nothing at all—it's about making active choices that prioritize emotional safety for both parent and child. Meghan also brought up this cool analogy with the vagus nerve and our nervous system. Basically, when we're in a state of non-reaction, it's because we feel safe. We're like, "Hey, I've got this," instead of shutting down or freaking out. It's about feeling secure enough to stay present, even when things get tough. Meghan emphasized that choosing emotional safety, even if it means slowing down and being patient with ourselves and our children, is a big deal.
She talked about how parenting nowadays often feels like speaking a second language. We're trying to learn this whole new way of doing things, one that's more introspective and compassionate. And let's be real, that's not how most of us were raised. It's like we're navigating uncharted territory, trying to find our way without a map.
Meghan's message really hits home when she talks about the invisible victories of parenting. You know, those moments when you manage to keep your cool instead of losing it, or when you choose understanding over judgment. It's not flashy or glamorous, but it's so important. She hopes that everyone has someone in their corner, cheering them on for these quiet wins, because they're just as meaningful as the big achievements.
THANK YOU MEGHAN LEAHY!!!!
As we wrap up this enlightening episode overview, I want to take a moment to express my gratitude. Meghan Leahy has graced us with her wisdom and insights on podcast, and I couldn't be more thankful for her time and perspective. Now, if you're as captivated by Meghan's insights as I am and you want to continue learning from her, I encourage you to connect with her on social media and buy her book. You can follow her on her socials by clicking the links above in these show notes. Take care, and we'll catch you on the next episode of The 3D Parent Podcast!
Today's episode is a special one where we're giving you a behind-the-scenes look at a coaching session. I'm excited for you to see how we tackle real parenting challenges head-on.
I'm thrilled to welcome my special guest Caitlin, a devoted mother of three from Redmond, Washington, who recently shared her heartfelt struggles with sibling rivalry in a candid discussion on a parenting podcast. In a touching submission, Caitlin opened up about the challenges she faces as her oldest son seeks more attention and lashes out at his siblings.
The scenario Caitlin described is a familiar one for many parents—her oldest child's longing for attention manifests in behavior that is dismissive and even hurtful towards his younger siblings. Despite her efforts, Caitlin finds it difficult to sympathize with her oldest son's actions, leading to a cycle of tension and conflict within the family. Recognizing the need for support, Caitlin and her son have both embarked on separate therapy journeys to address these issues head-on. However, Caitlin finds herself facing her own past experiences with sibling rivalry, which only adds more layers of complexity to the situation and leaves her feeling overwhelmed with guilt.
As Caitlin navigates the delicate balance of meeting each child's needs while maintaining harmony in the household, she seeks guidance on effective strategies for fostering positive sibling relationships. Her questions reflect the common dilemmas faced by parents in similar situations:
How can she ensure each child feels valued without inadvertently favoring one over the others?
How can she carve out quality time for individual bonding without exacerbating jealousy or competition among her children?
My 3D Parent Coaching approach began with helping Caitlin find her sense of direction as she pondered my 3 “Scan the Situation” questions: "Is it me? Is it my child or children? Is it us?" These questions allowed for a deeper exploration of her parenting challenges. With refreshing honesty, Caitlin admitted feeling stretched thin and overwhelmed by the demands of motherhood. She candidly admitted, "I think I'm definitely a piece of the puzzle," acknowledging her feelings of being stretched thin and grappling with guilt over not spending enough time with her children.
One of Caitlin's primary concerns revolved around imaginative play, an area where she admittedly struggles. "I don't really know how to “pretend play," she admitted, highlighting the discomfort she feels when engaging in activities like building Lego sets or embarking on fantasy adventures with her children. I reassured Caitlin that she's not alone in this struggle, emphasizing that each parent has their own strengths and challenges. As Caitlin delved deeper into her concerns, she uncovered her belief in the value of independent play for children. However, she realized that her desire to foster creativity sometimes clashed with her instinct to intervene.
The conversation also touched upon Caitlin's past wounds related to sibling rivalry and her instinctive "mama bear" response to conflicts among her children. Amidst the challenges, Caitlin expressed her deep longing for harmonious family moments. "I just want everyone to get along," Caitlin admitted, reflecting on her desire for unity within her family.
Next, we dove into the second question, “ Is it my child/children?” Caitlin opened up about her eldest son's struggles with separation anxiety and intense emotions, shedding light on his behavior shaped by his drive towards seeking contact and closeness since infancy. Despite his articulate nature, he tends to bottle up his feelings, masking his inner turmoil. This emotional intensity often translates into verbal outbursts directed at his younger siblings.
As we discussed the final facet of our exploration– the, "Is it us," question – I introduced Caitlin to the concept of the “Karpman Triangle”, a psychological framework for understanding a common dysfunctional family system. Caitlin recognized the roles she, her children, and her husband often fell into: the rescuer, the victim, and the victimizer. "It's like we're stuck in this cycle," Caitlin lamented, acknowledging the detrimental impact it had on their relationships. Breaking free from this cycle required intentional effort and awareness, which I assured Caitlin was possible.
We also addressed Caitlin's perception of a scarcity mindset, particularly with her attention and affection. Her "mama bear" reactions stemmed from fears and insecurities, influencing her responses to conflicts among her children. By confronting these fears and adopting an abundant mindset, Caitlin could create a nurturing environment for her family. Handling sibling conflicts was another concern for Caitlin, who often felt panicked and unsure of how to intervene effectively. To help her manage these situations, I introduced the concept of "incident management" and outlined three essential steps: do no harm, take charge, and circle back later.
Part 1 of our coaching session concluded with a message of empowerment, as I reassured Caitlin that she possessed the tools to overcome her challenges. "You and your husband are the answer," I affirmed, emphasizing the importance of self-reflection and proactive problem-solving in parenting.
Now, I know after hearing this parent coaching session and all of the nuanced details of what is likely causing all the conflict for Caitlin and her family, you might be ready to hear some proposed solutions. I’ve got them, but you will just need to be a little patient and tune in next week for Episode 95, Part 2 of this recorded parent coaching session where we will discuss ways to alleviate the struggles Caitlin and her family are currently facing.
Anxiety can be a tough nut to crack because it's not always driven by rational thoughts and it certainly doesn't come with an easy fix. But as parents, our role is to provide a sense of safety and support so our kids can weather the storm of anxious feelings and emerge stronger and more resilient on the other side.
Before we delve into the strategies, I want to emphasize the importance of seeking professional help if you feel your child's anxiety is worsening or significantly impacting their daily life. While this podcast episode offers valuable insights, it's not a substitute for the expertise of healthcare professionals.
Throughout this episode, I'll be sharing practical strategies to help you support your child through their anxiety journey. From creating a safe space for open communication to teaching coping skills, each strategy is designed to empower both you and your child.
Anxiety can manifest in various ways, affecting not only the child but also their family dynamics. If you observe changes in your child's behavior, such as reluctance to participate in activities they once enjoyed or difficulty coping with daily tasks, it's essential to address these concerns promptly.
Untreated anxiety can escalate over time and may lead to other mental health issues or behavioral disorders. Therefore, early intervention is key. Start by consulting your child's pediatrician, who can provide valuable insights and recommendations for further evaluation or treatment.
In the show notes, you'll find a link to an article titled "When to Seek Additional Support for Your Child's Anxiety," which offers detailed guidance on assessing your child's needs and approaching the topic with them in an age-appropriate manner.
Even if your child receives outside help, your role as a parent remains crucial. Therapy sessions typically occur for a limited time each week, leaving ample opportunity for you to provide ongoing support and guidance at home. Your deep connection with your child serves as the foundation for effective parenting, especially when addressing difficult emotions like anxiety.
Now, let's take a step back and consider the bigger picture. Before addressing specific strategies, it's essential to nurture a deeply connected relationship with your child. As I discussed in Episode 87, "Parenting with Deep Connection," your relationship with your child is your most powerful tool. Building a secure, deeply connected bond lays the foundation for providing effective support, especially during challenging times like anxiety.
A secure attachment with at least one significant caregiver is essential for a child's emotional well-being and development. This connection enables you to come alongside your child, understanding their emotions and providing the support they need. By nurturing this deep connection, you create a safe space for your child to express their feelings and navigate difficult emotions like anxiety.
So, what exactly is co-regulation? Simply put, it's the ability for a parent or caregiver to use their own regulated emotional state to help a child regulate their difficult or overwhelming emotions, like anxiety.
Now, let's talk about why co-regulation is so important, especially for children who may not yet have developed the skills to regulate their emotions independently. This could be due to their age, temperament, or the nature of their current circumstances. For example, younger children or those with highly sensitive temperaments may need to rely on their parents for a longer period of time to help them manage feelings of anxiety.
The beauty of co-regulation is that it enables a parent to not only help to regulate their child, but also to model coping skills that children can carry with them into adulthood. By modeling healthy ways of managing emotions, parents are laying the foundation for their children to become emotionally resilient individuals who can eventually face life's challenges independently and with confidence.
Understanding a proactive tool called "Name it to Tame it"
Now, let's dive into some strategies, starting with a proactive tool called, "Name it to Tame it.”
This strategy involves helping your child name and personify their anxiety. By giving your child’s anxiety a name like, “Spike” or “Sheila,” you're helping them separate their anxiety from their core identity. This can empower them to feel a sense of control over their emotions, reducing feelings of overwhelm. Naming their anxiety allows children to acknowledge it as a part of themselves, but not all of who they are. This strategy draws from therapeutic approaches that focus on understanding and managing different parts of oneself.
To implement this strategy, have a conversation with your child about anxiety or their worries and its physical manifestations, such as feeling panicked or experiencing an upset stomach. Help them understand that these feelings are normal and can be managed. Then, encourage them to come up with a name for their anxiety. Make it a fun and creative activity to help them feel more comfortable with the concept. Remember to reinforce the importance of using this name when discussing their anxiety in the future.
Now, I’ll walk you through the Six Steps to Co-regulate with your Anxious Child:
Step 1: Center Yourself
Imagine it's the day of your child's first karate class, something they've been eagerly anticipating. But when the moment arrives, they're overwhelmed with anxiety and refuse to go. As a parent, your first instinct might be to feel anxious too. Step one reminds us to center ourselves before attempting to co-regulate with our child.
For example, Take a few deep breaths and place your hand over your heart. Say to yourself something like, "I am safe. This is not an emergency. This is just a moment and will pass." Before you can effectively support your child, it's essential to regulate your own emotions. Children often pick up on their parents' anxiety which up-regulates and increases their anxiety, so taking a moment to center yourself is crucial.
Step 2: Acknowledge Your Child's Anxiety by Name
Remember when you helped your child name their anxiety? Now's the time to acknowledge it.
Say something like "Hey, buddy, I see Spike's here today. That's okay. We'll work through this together."
By referring to your child's anxiety by its chosen name, you help them recognize that it's a separate part of them, not their entire identity.
Next, ask your child where they feel Spike in their body. Are they feeling Spike's presence as butterflies in their stomach, tightness in their chest, or tension in their throat? By pinpointing the physical sensations associated with Spike's visit, your child becomes more aware of how their body responds to anxiety.
This awareness is crucial because it helps your child recognize that anxiety is not an overwhelming force but rather a temporary state that can be managed. For instance, they might realize, "Whenever Spike shows up, I feel a knot in my stomach," or "Spike is hanging out in my chest, making it hard to breathe."
By identifying where Spike resides in their body, your child gains insight into their emotional and physical experiences. This self-awareness forms the basis for managing anxiety more effectively in the future. It's like shedding light on the dark corners of their mind, enabling them to confront their fears directly.
Moreover, as your child learns to recognize the physical manifestations of their anxiety, they become better equipped to cope with it. This newfound awareness empowers your child to take control of their emotions and navigate through moments of heightened anxiety with confidence and resilience.
Step 3: Rate the Anxiety
Let's explore step three of helping your child manage anxiety. Here, we're diving into the crucial task of gauging the intensity of your child's feelings. Asking your child to rate their anxiety level on a scale of 1 to 10 might seem simple, but it's a powerful tool for building emotional awareness. It's like taking a temperature check of their emotions. Picture this: you sit down with your child and gently ask, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how big is Spike right now?"
This simple question opens up a dialogue about their feelings. Maybe Spike is feeling like a 10, ready to burst out of their skin, or perhaps Spike is a more manageable 7, but still making their presence known. Whatever the number, it provides a starting point for understanding and addressing their anxiety.
Asking your child to rate their anxiety not only increases their self-awareness but also activates their thinking brain. When we focus on numbers and bodily sensations, we move away from the primal fight-flight-freeze response and into a space where rational thought can prevail. It's like flipping a switch from panic mode to problem-solving mode.
Imagine your child says, "My anxiety feels like an eight." That's a significant number, signaling a high level of distress. Now, armed with this information, you're ready to move on to step four – choosing an emotional regulation tool.
Step 4: Choosing an emotional regulation tool
Step four invites you to select from a range of tools designed to help your child manage their anxiety. From deep breathing exercises to mindfulness techniques, there's a wealth of options to choose from. Let's delve into ten of these tools to give you a starting point:
1. Box Breathing:
This technique involves breathing in for four counts, holding for four counts, exhaling for four counts, and then holding again for four counts. It's like guiding your child through a calming breathing exercise, akin to creating a pattern of relaxation.
You repeat this cycle four times, which helps slow down their heart rate and reduces stress hormones, giving them a sense of control over their emotions.
2. Short Inhale/Long Exhale Breathing:
With this method, your child quickly inhales for one count, then exhales slowly for eight counts. It's like teaching them to take a deep breath to let go of tension, like releasing a balloon slowly into the air.
Doing this helps regulate their heart rate and reduces stress hormones, providing a sense of calm amidst chaos.
3. Five Senses Mindfulness Technique:
Encourage your child to notice five things they can see, four things they can hear, three things they can touch, two things they can smell, and one thing they can taste. It's like inviting them to a sensory scavenger hunt, grounding them in the present moment.
Engaging in this activity reduces their sense of alarm and activates their thinking brain, helping them focus on the here and now.
4. Visualization:
Guide your child to close their eyes and imagine their overwhelming feelings as a heavy coat on a hot day. Then, have them visualize taking off this coat, feeling the relief wash over them. It's like helping them paint a mental picture of letting go of burdens.
This exercise encourages them to connect with their emotions, providing a sense of relief and empowerment as they release their stress.
5. Vagus Nerve Massage:
Use your fingers to massage the bones behind and in front of your child's ears with medium-firm pressure. It's like giving their nervous system a gentle massage, soothing any discomfort or upset.
This technique is particularly helpful for calming anxiety-related stomach issues, easing nausea, and reducing overall anxiety levels.
6. Big Belly Laughter:
Share a joke, funny story, or watch a humorous video together to trigger laughter. It's like sprinkling a bit of joy into their day, lifting their spirits and easing tension.
Laughter releases stress and tension, helping your child feel lighter and more relaxed.
7. Crying:
Create a safe space for your child to express their emotions through crying. It's like offering them a release valve for their feelings, allowing them to let go of pent-up stress and sadness.
Crying is a natural and healthy emotional release, helping them process their emotions and move forward with a sense of relief.
8. Quick Exertion of Energy:
Engage in brief physical activities like jumping jacks, walking, or dancing to release pent-up energy. It's like hitting the reset button on their mood, boosting their spirits and reducing stress hormones.
Physical activity helps your child feel more grounded and centered, promoting a sense of well-being and calm.
9. Creative Expression:
Encourage your child to express themselves creatively through drawing, writing, or playing an instrument. It's like giving them a blank canvas to explore their emotions, providing an outlet for self-expression.
Creative activities help your child process their feelings and gain insight into their inner world, fostering emotional growth and resilience.
10. Give a 20-Second Hug:
Share a sustained hug with your child for 20 seconds or more to decrease stress hormones and increase bonding hormones. It's like wrapping them in a warm embrace, comforting and reassuring them.
This physical connection helps regulate their emotions, strengthening your bond and providing a sense of security and support.
Step 5: Reassess Anxiety Level
Once you've guided your child through the emotional regulation tool of your choosing, it's time to check in and see how they're feeling. This step is crucial for understanding the effectiveness of the tool and determining if further support is needed.
Reassessing your child's anxiety level involves asking them to rate their current level of anxiety. Encourage them to express how big their feelings of anxiety are now compared to before using the regulation tool.
Start by asking your child to rate their anxiety level again. You might say something like, "Let's see how big Spike feels now. Can you give me a number?" Ideally, you'll notice a decrease in their anxiety level. From my experience, when using these strategies with my own children, anxiety levels almost always decrease, albeit not always completely.
If their anxiety has decreased to a comfortable level, that's fantastic! You've successfully helped them manage their emotions. But if it hasn't decreased enough, don't worry. That's where step 6 comes in.
Step 6: Repeat if Necessary
Here's where you circle back to step four and repeat the same regulation tool. Repeating allows your child to become more familiar with it, potentially enhancing its effectiveness with each repetition. Encourage your child to engage in several more rounds of the chosen technique, aiming to further reduce their anxiety level. If they seem tired of the same technique or you feel another strategy might be a better fit, feel free to mix it up a little until the desired lessoned state of anxiety is achieved.
The goal here isn't to eliminate anxiety entirely. Instead, the focus is on empowering your child to recognize that they have tools at their disposal to cope with anxiety.
CONCLUSION
In wrapping up, I sincerely hope that the strategy we've delved into today leaves you feeling more empowered as a parent of an anxious child. Building a strong foundation of connection and attachment with your child serves as a cornerstone for numerous aspects of their well-being, especially when it comes to co-regulation.
These steps aren't just theoretical; they've been tried and tested in the trenches of real-life parenting. I've witnessed firsthand how they've made a difference in my own children's lives. Take, for example, my child who struggled with stomach issues due to anxiety. The vagus nerve massage became her go-to technique, offering relief even in school without drawing attention to herself.
Then there's my other child who found solace in box breathing during times of stress at a new school. Not only did she use it for herself, but she also taught it to her peers, spreading calmness in her surroundings.
What's remarkable about these strategies is their portability. While initially introduced with your guidance, children often internalize them, using them independently when you're not around. They become the tools your child carries with them, empowering them to navigate and endure their experiences with anxiety in the future.
I want to express my gratitude for joining me on this episode of the 3D Parent Podcast. As you embark on implementing the Six-steps to Co-regulate with your Anxious Child, I encourage you to share your experiences with me. Let me know which strategies resonate most with your family and any additional techniques you've found effective. Together, we can continue to learn and grow in our journey of supporting children experiencing anxiety!
**For Coaching Services** If you're looking for personalized guidance and support, consider exploring my parent coaching services. Let's work together to tailor the 3D Parent Approach to your unique parenting journey. CLICK HEREto book a complimentary parent coach consultation call.
**Become a Podcast Guest** Are you ready to share your parenting challenges and triumphs? Become a guest and receive a free parent coaching session on my podcast, CLICK HERE and let's tackle your parenting concerns together. Your experience can inspire and support other parents facing similar struggles.
I get it. I've been there too. In fact, I used to be wracked with guilt every time I had those fleeting thoughts of frustration or impatience. But here's the thing – those thoughts don't make you a bad parent. They make you human. And as a parent coach, I've heard it time after time from other parents wrestling with similar feelings.
Various factors that contribute to a complex child's behavior
Vulnerability to Love--A Prickly Defense Mechanism: Sometimes, challenging children present rough, prickly exteriors because they find love and connection too vulnerable. It's uncomfortable for them to be lovable and endearing, often due to a highly sensitive temperament or past hurts. Understanding this vulnerability is crucial in fostering a compassionate approach.
Subconscious Self-Fulfilling Prophecy: Believing They Are Unlovable: In some cases, challenging children come to believe that they are unlovable. This belief becomes almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy, influencing their behavior and interactions with others which are often annoying, off-putting, or even mean spirited. As a parent, it's essential to consider your role in this dynamic – do your actions unintentionally contribute to their negative self-perception?
Building Inner Narratives--Seeds in Formative Years and the Impact of Words and Actions: For a young child, the formative years are crucial in shaping their self-worth and self-esteem. The comments and feedback they receive, both at home and in their broader environment, contribute to the narrative they internalize. Consider the phrases you use when frustrated: "I don't want to be around you when you act like this" or "Why are you always so negative?" The impact of these words goes beyond the moment, shaping your child's sense-of-self. Reflecting on the language used by caregivers, teachers, peers, and siblings is equally important.
Parental Grief--Facing your Sadness and Disappointment: If you are struggling to connect with your complex child and feel yourself wishing your child was different than they are, you probably experience a lot of resentment and shame. I want to help you make a shift away from these difficult feelings. The first step is acknowledging and normalizing your own parental grief. You might have envisioned your child and your experience as a parent being very different than it currently is. This disappointment is difficult to face and likely fills you with equal parts of resentment and guilt. The first and most crucial step is to forgive yourself for the feelings of disconnection with your child and acknowledge that it's okay to experience this grief in parenting a complex child. Let's recognize the importance of allowing ourselves to feel the sadness associated with the challenges we didn't anticipate.
How to move past Resentment and Towards Acceptance
Acknowledging the Unforeseen Reality--Letting Go of Disappointment: As parents, none of us envisioned this reality when we dreamt of having children. The image we had in mind might have been different from the challenging child we are parenting. It's essential to find and feel the sadness around what is, letting go of the disappointment of not getting the child we imagined. Acknowledge the grief and adjust your vision to the reality of your unique and complex child.
The Importance of Privacy--Processing Grief Away from Your Child: Acceptance also means learning to adjust to the reality of your child's temperament and challenges. Grieve the adjustments you need to make, whether it's opting out of certain activities or events because they might be too overwhelming for your child. Feeling sadness about what you're missing is valid, but it's crucial to keep this grief work away from your child. Avoid exposing your child to the emotions associated with these adjustments. Seek a trusted adult – your spouse, partner, friend, parenting coach, or therapist – to process these feelings with. This private space allows you to navigate the complexities of parenting a challenging child without burdening them with your emotional journey.
Letting Go of Comparisons--A Key to Overcoming Resentment: Comparing your child to others, whether in your household or observed in your social circles, often leads to resentment. Dr. Brené Brown defines resentment as a feeling related to perceived unfairness or injustice, often stemming from hidden envy. Remember, as a parent, you cannot control who your child is. Let go of comparisons that only serve to amplify resentment and hinder your ability to connect with and accept your child.
Understanding the Impact of Envy--Overcoming Resentment: Envy is a powerful emotion that fuels resentment. When we envy the perceived ease of other parents' experiences, it deepens our frustration and resentment towards our own parenting journey. Acknowledge that your child is unique, and comparisons only serve to magnify a sense of unfairness. Embrace the reality that your child is an individual with their own set of challenges and gifts, and your journey is incomparable to others.
How to Grow Your Acceptance Instead of Your Resentment
Embrace Your Child's Uniqueness: First and foremost, recognize that your child's challenges are not a reflection of you. Let go of the fantasies you held about who your child should be and grow alongside them. Invest time in getting to know your child deeply. The more you focus on understanding them, the more you'll uncover their wonderful and unique gifts.
Cultivate Curiosity and Let Go of Unrealistic Expectations: Become genuinely curious about your child. Release unfair expectations that might have clouded your perception. Your child possesses numerous positive attributes; seek them out, elevate them, and express your observations to your child. This fosters a sense of gratitude for the incredible individual they are.
Practice a Gratitude Parenting Routine: Commit to a daily gratitude practice in parenting. Reflect on the lovable aspects of your child, even if you find it challenging initially. Create a space for positivity by acknowledging and appreciating their unique qualities. Consider implementing a gratitude journal or daily reflection to reinforce this practice.
Celebrate Victories and Reflect on Progress: In the midst of challenges, it's crucial to celebrate victories—no matter how small. Take moments to reflect on your journey, comparing your current situation to past challenges. While the road may still be tough, acknowledging progress reinforces your resilience and strengthens your ability to face future obstacles.
Understanding Your Child's Struggles: A Shift in Perspective: To truly connect with your child, it's essential to shift your perspective on their actions and behaviors. Remember, their outward expressions reflect internal struggles. Recognize that your child, when frustrated or explosive, is not intentionally making your life difficult. This paradigm shift allows you to approach parenting with more compassion, patience, and empathy.
Developing the Ability to Mix Feelings: Acknowledging mixed feelings is a vital aspect of emotional maturity. As a parent, you may sometimes lose the ability to mix your emotions, leading to reacting out of frustration. A gut check can help you assess your feelings towards your child. If you find yourself avoiding time with them, it's an opportunity to refocus your efforts and connect more deeply.
Practical Steps to Stay Grounded as a Parent
Reflect and Refocus: Assess your feelings towards spending time with your child. If you're hesitant or repelled at the idea of spending time with your child, consciously take note, realign with your parenting intentions, and make an extra effort to connect.
Delight in Your Child's Presence: Visibly show delight in your child's presence, even if you're working through initial defenses. Authentic feelings will follow as you actively engage and appreciate your child's company.
Discipline with Dignity: Another thing that you can do to grow your compassion, your patience, your empathy, and be able to accept this charge you've been given to parent your particular child is to practice discipline with dignity. We delved deeper into this topic in episodes 88 and 89 of our podcast, and today, let's explore how this method can contribute to the growth of these essential qualities.
Informed Decision-Making: To truly embrace Discipline with Dignity, start by making informed choices tailored to your child's unique needs. While acknowledging the grief of saying no to certain activities, shift your focus to conscientiously deciding what will be appropriately challenging for your child without overwhelming them. Balancing your complex child's needs with those of the entire family is important. Occasionally, you may need to make different decisions for various family members. Other times, you may need to plan proactively and set your child up for success in family activities, like a concert. Consider bringing headphones to manage sensitivity to loud sounds or providing activities to engage the child when the event might extend beyond their comfort zone.
Retroactive Discipline: Embrace the power of 3D Parent “Retroactive Discipline,” particularly through “Circle Back Conversations.” Address problematic behaviors without inducing shame or blame, creating a safe space for your child to reflect upon their previous intense emotions. Retroactively addressing hurtful statements helps your child understand that they are not defined by their outbursts and are capable of making amends.
Acceptance Without Judgment: Make space for your child's intense emotions without judgment. Accept and validate their feelings, reinforcing that it's okay to feel upset or express negative thoughts. Foster a family culture where mistakes are acceptable and ruptures within relationships are always repaired and strengthened as a result.
Consistency in Parenting Approach: Consistency in parenting, especially for complex children, is vital. Caregivers and parents need to be on the same page and avoid bouncing between supporting and punishing behaviors.
Build Resilience Within Yourself: Parenting a complex child requires resilience. Embrace the concept of the frustration traffic circle, with emphasis on the need to move from wanting to control or change the child to accepting and adapting to their needs. Acknowledge the potential impulse towards lashing out in frustration and instead, redirect yourself toward acceptance.
Seek Individual and Community Support: No parent should walk this path alone. Feeling isolated can amplify difficulties and drain your emotional reserves. Seek out individual support with helping professionals, such as parent coaches or therapists. Additionally, consider joining a supportive community - whether online or in-person. Online parent support membership groups, like The 3D Parent Village, local co-op gatherings, or online forums offer a safe space to connect with others who understand your struggles.
As parents, we often pour ourselves into our children, neglecting our own needs. But remember, you can't pour from an empty cup. Prioritize activities that replenish your energy and emotional reserves. This could be anything from taking a walk to spending time with friends or pursuing a hobby you enjoy. By taking care of yourself, you'll be better equipped to handle the challenges of parenthood.
An Affirmation for the Resilient Parent:
In closing, here is my gift to you, an affirmation I wrote to read whenever you're feeling overwhelmed or discouraged:
“Today, I am setting an intention to parent with warmth and strength. I will not avoid setting a limit, negotiate, debate, give in, or give a “yes” when I need to give a “no.” I accept that my kids may have tantrums and meltdowns over the limits I am generously going to set. I will anticipate push-back, but I will not let that trigger me or lead to a tantrum of my own. I will remember that my children are young and sensitive and sometimes their behaviors are a reminder of that. In these moments, I will remember that they are not trying to give me a hard time, they are having a hard time. I will not transfer my anger or frustration onto my kids or lash out at them through my words, tone of voice, or actions. I will not blame my kids for the difficult feelings I may have about being their parent and how hard it is for me right now. I will remind myself that I only get one shot to raise each of my children and I am committing to give them the best parenting I can because they deserve nothing less.” -Beaven Walters, The 3D Parent
**For Coaching Services** If you're looking for personalized guidance and support, consider exploring my parent coaching services. Let's work together to tailor the 3D Parent Approach to your unique parenting journey. CLICK HEREto book a complimentary parent coach consultation call.
**Become a Podcast Guest** Are you ready to share your parenting challenges and triumphs? Become a guest and receive a free parent coaching session on my podcast, CLICK HERE and let's tackle your parenting concerns together. Your experience can inspire and support other parents facing similar struggles.
In this episode, I’m excited to welcome a special guest, Aparna Venkataraman. Having 20 years of experience connecting with 1000s of families in schools, children’s hospitals and non-profit organizations since her teens, Aparna Venkataraman is the founder of Beauty In Parenting and is a worldwide parent coach, meditation-breathwork teacher, motivational speaker and wellness advocate for doTerra essential oils. With her approachable nature, strong intuition and problem-solving skills, she guides parents of babies, toddlers and teens, couples and extended family to empower themselves and build healthy relationships with one another through effective communication, creating boundaries, self-care, confidence-building and lighthearted mindfulness techniques.
(03:28) Aparna's Story: I sit down with Aparna to hear more about her story and what led her to this work.
Aparna shares her intricate journey, starting from being a premature baby to grappling with childhood anxiety and depression due to emotional distance. Her studies in psychology and child development paved the way for impactful work with diverse groups, all while harboring a deep desire to support families. A pivotal year marked by loss, floods, and leaving a toxic relationship spurred Aparna to create "Beauty in Parenting," aiming to support families globally in finding heart-centered connections.
I can't help but resonate with Aparna's story, and I bet many of you can too. It's a beautiful blend of personal struggles and professional growth, highlighting the importance of emotional well-being in parenting.
(08:00) Exploring Aparna's Focus on Moms:
I asked Aparna what led her to specifically support moms. Aparna opens up about her personal journey, sharing a glimpse into her challenging relationship with her own mother during her upbringing. This connection, or rather, disconnection, played a pivotal role in shaping Aparna's perspective. As she delves into her experiences as a toddler teacher, she shares that she began to notice a pattern — the profound impact of parent-child relationships on a child's behavior, development, and stress levels.
The decision to focus on moms stemmed from a profound realization–the multifaceted role moms play in their children's development. She dives into the complexities, acknowledging the tendency for moms to prioritize others, often neglecting their own needs. The struggle to express these needs becomes a common thread among many moms.
(10:58) Aparna's Involvement on working with Dads: Now, you might be wondering if Aparna exclusively works with moms. Well, the answer is no. I had the same question, and Aparna clarified that while her primary focus is on supporting moms, she does work with dads too.
In our conversation, Aparna expressed her openness to supporting fathers who seek guidance on various aspects of parenting. She recognizes the importance of dads in the family dynamic and is willing to lend a helping hand. This inclusivity extends beyond individual coaching sessions. Aparna emphasizes the significance of family systems, acknowledging that a holistic approach involves considering the dynamics between all family members. In her coaching practice, she not only addresses individual needs but also explores how the entire family can thrive collectively.
As we navigate through this discussion, it's evident that Aparna's approach is rooted in empathy and understanding. Her personal journey, combined with her professional experiences, has shaped a coaching model that goes beyond surface-level solutions. Aparna believes in the transformative power of identifying moms' needs, core values, and priorities, ultimately enhancing communication within the family.
(10:24) What is mindfulness
Let's start with the basics - what exactly is mindfulness? According to Aparna, it's all about heart-centered awareness and being present in the moment. For her, it started in her college days, during a tough semester. The calm it brought her was like a breath of fresh air. Here's what she had to say, "I really loved that feeling of calm that came over me, that feeling of presence. And also being in community too.”
Mindfulness, as Aparna describes, is the ticket to being in the moment. It's about connecting with your family, knowing where you're at in life, and waving goodbye to those worries. Aparna's got a nifty trick up her sleeve - a daily reminder on her phone to take five or ten deep breaths. Simple, yet game-changing.
"And the more I'm tuned into that, the less worries come, the less I feel, you know, dread for my day, or stress for my da,” says Aparna.
Now, let's get practical. Aparna drops a strategy bomb on us. She suggests taking those five or ten deep breaths daily. It's not just a suggestion; it's a life hack. Aparna emphasizes, "It's a practice of really having your mind and your body become aware of the times when you need to feel that sense of calm before you become burnt out.”
Here's where I chime in. I can vouch for Aparna's tip. It's deceptively simple but incredibly effective. I shared with her my struggles with consistency, and she agreed, "But when I do things like a very simple and quick mindfulness practice, like just five or 10 deep breaths, man, does it really change the way that I feel in my body?"
And there it is, the clarity we all crave. Aparna acknowledges that it's about follow-through and consistency. But, as she points out, it's about meeting parents where they're at and not adding to their stress. She's all about integrating practical, shorter, and more effective techniques into daily life.
(13:03)
So Aparna specializes in both meditation and deep breathing. Curious about how Aparna found her way into this practice, I asked her. She shared, "I created meditation for myself about seven, eight years ago during this time of transition." It's a personal journey that became a powerful tool for understanding triggers and finding peace amidst life's chaos.
Meditation, as Aparna explains, is not about becoming the perfect, peaceful person you might envision on a serene yoga mat. It's about sitting or lying with your thoughts and emotions, observing them, and learning to let them go. Aparna emphasizes the beauty of sitting with and understanding the waves of life that wash over you. In Aparna's words, "It doesn't have to be with a yoga mat or a meditation cushion, or you have to have an environment that looks really pretty and nice. It's more for you as well too." Remember that, folks—it's about your journey, not Instagram-worthy setups.
Now, let's talk about deep breathing and breathwork. Aparna spills the beans on how this practice is a fantastic tool for tackling stuck emotions, health issues, or grief. Aparna breaks it down brilliantly. Meditation is that still, quiet space where you connect with yourself, while breathwork is more active and intentional, a conscious effort to release what's bubbling up inside you. It's like a dance between stillness and activation.
I couldn't help but share my own experience with Aparna. Meditation can be a challenge, especially for someone with a busy brain like mine. But Aparna, being the guiding light she is, reassured me: "That just means I need more practice and to give myself grace for it being challenging."
For those with ADHD or focus issues, Aparna highlights the effectiveness of breathwork. It's a tool, a proactive and active one at that, providing an alternative for those finding stillness in meditation a tad challenging. She notes that while meditation might take time to develop, breathwork can be an easier entry point for many.
(16:46)
So, I had this heart-to-heart with Aparna, and she laid out the goldmine of benefits that a mindfulness practice can bring into your life. It's not just about personal calm; it's about creating a ripple effect that touches your entire environment.
I asked Aparna to spill the beans on what people can gain by committing to a mindfulness practice. Brace yourselves, because what she shared is nothing short of transformational.
According to Aparna, personally, it brought more calm into her mind and body. The stress levels took a nosedive, and she found herself reacting less to family and setbacks. But it goes beyond personal peace – mindfulness helps you observe, accept, and have more grace and compassion for yourself and others.
In her own words, "It'll help you to not see as many tantrums and meltdowns in life, whether you've got young ones or you've got teens or older children." And guess what? It's not just a personal journey; it extends to your relationships and connections with others.
Then, Aparna shares a practical tip about using deep breathing to help a child going through anxiety. She talks about a client who traced their fingers and practiced deep breathing, turning it into a shared regulation time. As I reflect on my own experiences with my kids, I resonate with how these practices not only aid in the moment but strengthen the parent-child bond.
Aparna emphasizes the trust and confidence built through these practices. It's not just about the exercise; it's about the shared experience and the osmosis effect of regulated emotions. And guess what? This is especially powerful for parents dealing with complex kids – those with ADHD, autism, sensory processing differences. It's about recognizing how you're wired, understanding your child, and building a toolbox that'll help you both navigate the decades to come.
(25:35)
So, my chat with Aparna took an interesting turn when we discussed tools for parents dealing with heightened emotions, especially when parenting complex kids.
“One of the things that most commonly is a challenge for parents of complex kids is being able to regulate their own nervous systems, their own reactivity in the moment of heightened emotion.”
Aparna sets the stage by addressing a universal challenge—parental reactivity. Acknowledging the struggle is the first step, and Aparna offers not just sympathy but tangible tools for those caught in the whirlwind of heightened emotions.
Aparna's Tool #1: Sensory Objects - Stress Ball:"Sometimes it's having a sensory object like a stress ball."
Aparna introduces the concept of sensory objects, emphasizing the need for tangible tools. The stress ball becomes more than a simple object; it's a lifeline, a grounding force for both parents and children in the storm of emotions.
Aparna's Tool #2: Essential Oils and Aromatherapy:"I support others in essential oils and aromatherapy."
Essential oils and aromatherapy emerge as soothing companions in the journey of emotional regulation. Aparna's support for these practices extends beyond mere suggestions; it's an invitation to explore the profound impact of scents on emotional well-being.
Aparna's Tool #3: Physical Gesture - Hand on Heart:"Placing a hand on your heart. I love doing that when I'm doing deep breathing, especially."
The power of physical gestures takes center stage. Placing a hand on the heart becomes a ritual, not just for deep breathing but for reconnecting with oneself. Aparna introduces a simple yet transformative practice to foster self-awareness.
Aparna's Tool #4: Establishing Boundaries with Space:"Taking a step back and telling your child, hey, I'm going to take a moment, I need some space."
Aparna draws from her experience as a toddler teacher to highlight the importance of boundaries. It's not just about physical space; it's about setting healthy boundaries, teaching both parent and child the value of a momentary pause.
Aparna's Tool #5: Physical Gestures - Leaning Back, Eye Contact, Walking Away: "Sometimes just remembering when you're in the midst of, you know, this is really stressing me out that you can lean back."
The nuances of physical gestures become crucial. Aparna suggests leaning back, making eye contact, or even walking away. These actions, seemingly small, hold immense power in diffusing tension and providing clarity in challenging moments. She not only empathetically addresses the societal pressure on parents to be omnipresent. This realization serves as a pivotal moment—an acknowledgment that it's okay to step back, creating a foundation for the upcoming educational insights but also offers a liberating perspective—a gentle reminder that setting personal boundaries isn't a luxury but a necessity. This shift in mindset aligns with the overarching theme of self-compassion and intentional parenting.
(27:06)
Also, Aparna shared valuable insights into the dos and don'ts of mindfulness practices, addressing frequency, duration, and optimal times during the day.
As we explored the do's and don'ts of mindfulness practices, the conversation naturally shifted towards setting ourselves up for success. Aparna shared her valuable insights, and it felt like we were uncovering secrets to creating a balanced and serene life.
Aparna's practical advice centered on the concept of a "calm corner." This isn't just for toddlers; it's a tune-in place for adults, a sanctuary where you can connect with your feelings, regulate yourself, and find peace. She advocated for parents to create this haven not just for themselves but also for their children, fostering a sense of familiarity and tranquility. She also provided practical advice on incorporating mindfulness into daily routines, suggesting morning and bedtime as opportune times. She also addressed the challenges of transitioning from work to home, offering solutions like using noise-canceling headphones and a "do not disturb" sign. The advice extended to parents, reminding them to set healthy boundaries and prioritize self-care without succumbing to guilt. Aparna highlighted the positive impact on parent-child and partner relationships, emphasizing the connection that arises from taking a little time for oneself.Aparna recommended setting reminders on phones and wearing comfortable clothing to reinforce the importance of these moments. She touched on the potential feelings of guilt but stressed the benefits of recharging and sustaining energy.
In Aparna's own words, "I love helping families create some sort of a calm corner." She emphasized the significance of finding a peaceful space, whether it's a dedicated corner or a personal sanctuary within your home. • Towards the end, she discussed the significance of being present and connecting with children and partners, fostering healthier relationships through mindful practices.
(34:20)
Before we wrap up the conversation, we explored insightful deep breathing techniques tailored for various emotional states, including anger, frustration, mental focus, and sleep.
Aparna shared a delightful visualization technique for managing anger and frustration. Imagining holding a dandelion or bubbles, inhaling for four seconds, and exhaling with a whistle sound provided a unique and uplifting approach. We discussed how this simple practice can release pent-up emotions in a healthier way.
The discussion smoothly transitioned to mental focus, where Aparna introduced a sensory technique. By rubbing palms together, placing hands over the nose and mouth, and inhaling essential oils, individuals can enhance mental focus. Aparna emphasized personalization, suggesting oils like frankincense or citrus based on preferences.
For sleep, Aparna outlined a bedtime routine, including dimming lights and creating a calm environment. She detailed a breathing practice with hands on the bed, emphasizing the rhythm of inhaling for four seconds, holding for seven, and exhaling for eight. This practice aims to promote deeper and longer sleep, benefiting those with varied sleep challenges.Aparna's practical advice extended to the use of essential oils for mental focus, offering a free wellness consultation for interested listeners. She encouraged the incorporation of these techniques into daily life, emphasizing the adaptability of the practices based on individual preferences and needs. The bedtime routine for sleep was presented as a short, effective practice, demonstrating its versatility with or without accompanying music. Aparna highlighted the potential benefits for both individuals and children as we explored these techniques, the focus remained on the simplicity and accessibility of incorporating mindfulness into daily routines, creating a toolkit for emotional regulation.
Wrapping up our discussion, Aparna shared a personal aspect of her family life – a love for cooking together. From traditional Indian dishes to festive meals, the family finds joy and connection in preparing and enjoying food. The use of music during these cooking sessions enhances the experience, fostering a present and shared environment.
(43:51)
If you've been nodding along with the insightful conversation we just had with Aparna, you're probably eager to know how to tap into Aparna's expertise, and infuse more mindfulness into your parenting routine, First stop, https://www.beautyinparenting.com. Here, you'll find a free self-care priorities chart that's like your roadmap to scheduling more "me time" and savoring those sweet family victories.
Aparna also offers a six-week parent coaching program, a deep dive into creating a self-care plan, establishing a calm corner, effective communication, and crafting an easy daily routine. This is where expertise meets your unique challenges.
Connect with a vibrant community of parents in Aparna's free Facebook group, "The Sanctuary Self-Care Space." Delve into daily self-care inspiration and participate in occasional challenges focused on incorporating more "me time" into your life. It's a virtual sanctuary where support and ideas flow freely.
For real-time updates and engaging content, follow Aparna on Instagram and Facebook under the handle "@BeautyInIParenting." Engage with her posts, share your experiences, and become part of a community that values your journey. Aparna loves hearing from parents like you and connecting on a deeper level.
A huge shoutout to Aparna for being the fantastic first guest of Season Two on the 3D Parent Podcast. Your insights into self-regulation through mindfulness practices have truly set the tone for an incredible season ahead.
Thank you, Aparna, for sharing your wisdom with us. And to all you wonderful parents, your journey to mindful parenting and self-regulation is just a click away!
