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A correction email about ROSA'S LIE and truly the most epically hyperbolic Reader of the Month winner to date!

Claire and Marissa explore the dreamworld of Jessica Wakefield. Plus, a particularly lyrical Reader of the Month essay. Come along, if you choose!

Guest Megan Collier has probing questions, and Marissa has probing answers. With so much deep thought about the mechanics of Sweet Valley, this episode is a veritable "Sweet Valley University!" Err, no, that's already a thing. A veritable "Sweet Valley College!" Shit. No. "Sweet Valley Academy?"

•••

More about the Lex app.

InstaPsycho on Lifetime

Not sure which Book 39 the rest of you read, but Marissa and her guest, Megan Collier, read the version where Penny Ayala has a crush on Elizabeth, Neil Freemount (FREEMOUNT!) has eyes for Kirk Anderson, and Jessica and Lila both learn their lesson for good this time. It's pure fantasyland over here. 

Some music in this episode by Purple Planet. Thanks!

Nora and Marissa talk about studying abroad, just to drive the gravity of Liz's mistake home.

Music credit: Meanwhile in Bavaria by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

Elizabeth Wakefield has the opportunity of a lifetime on her hands: get out of Sweet Valley and see the world (specifically, Interlochen, Switzerland). Obviously, she must be stopped. The only way out of Sweet Valley is if your parents move to Vermont, or in a body bag. Marissa is joined by Nora (Hanna) Bigelow to discuss this travesty. Also, Winston wins the lottery in this one.

Meridith and Marissa discuss the parallels between the Sweet Valley of RUMORS and the worlds of Jane Austen and Regency Romance. Somehow, the obvious comparisons to Emma go unmentioned. Also, serious question: Why didn't Mrs. Reister just tell everyone she was a widow? 

Research discoveries:

The Debutante Ball in the Age of Instagram

"The women can bring their own escorts, or if they do not, one is assigned to them based on height and dancing ability. No inquiries are made about sexual orientation."

Susan Stewart is somebody, but is she *a* somebody, or is she a nobody? Nobody knows. Until somebody shows up and shows everybody who’s anybody what it really means to be somebody. Meridith Halsey is our guest.

Murphy Brown and Dan Quayle

This episode features music from Purple Planet.

What is a social enterprise? What if your host had an older sister who was bad at humanities? Who is the bigger asshole in LAST CHANCE, Peter or Jessica? Though it may be hard to believe, answers to these questions AND MORE await when Marissa Wasseluk-Stuart returns for this bonus episode.

Further reading:
More about First Book

Did you hear that Johanna Porter is coming back to Sweet Valley High? Oh, you didn’t even hear that she’d dropped out? Or that she even existed? Well it’s a good thing Sweet Valley Diaries is here to help you get a clue. In this episode, 2 Marissas join forces to sympathize with Johanna, compare Wakefields, and count the red flags on Johanna’s misguided crush, textbook mansplainer Peter DeHaven.

With guest reader Marissa Wasseluk-Stuart!

* * *

What is NOVA?

Some music in this episode is from Purple Planet. Thanks!

Literally the only podcast where a serious commentary on football (erm, soccer) journalism blends seamlessly into a discussion of fictional teen Elizabeth Wakefield's Eyes and Ears column. 

Further reading:

"Deviance in Sports" Starts in Youth

Rush Hour Crush

Is Cutco an MLM? 

Marissa is joined by her friend, geography scholar and fellow University of Chicago alumnus Samuel Brandt, for history's most erudite discussion of fictional teen Aaron Dallas and his soccer/divorce-related emotional problems. But more importantly: this is the Tofu-Glo Book!!!!!!!!!!!!

At long last, we will find out if Scott Trost is as sexist as he seems. Or, we'll at least find out if his TRUE self is sexist. Like, maybe society made him sexist? Or something? Todd will explain it to you, ladies. With special guest Claire Sharood!

Elizabeth Schmidt returns to think about high school romance, FORBIDDEN LOVE's lessons for star-crossed teens, and Marissa's lifelong romantic angst. Plus, listener emails and snarky book reviews!

You've barely heard of Maria Santelli and you've got no idea who Michael Harris is. All you need to know is this: they are in love, it's a secret, it's as romantic as all hell, everybody in their high school is talking about it...and also they are in high school, their parents don't know they're dating, and this is all a terrible idea. Elizabeth Schmidt joins Marissa to gossip about this very hot mess.

Saved by the Bell - Lisa's Allergy 

umbers (exclamation, slang): "Oooh man, you're in trouble!"

Used colloquially in Albuquerque, NM and environs, primarily between children, or adults who are being ironic

Marissa and her cousins, Meghan and Corrie, consider their girlhood tactics for avoiding getting caught making mistakes. Hope our parents aren't listening to this one!

It's a full-on first-cousin extravaganza! Marissa is joined by her real-life cousins Meghan Shattuck and Corrie Borgman to chat about fictional cousins Dana Larson (lead singer of The Droids!) and new-in-town Sally Larson, recently rescued from foster care a brief 13 years after entering the system. It's all just nuts and everyone is awful, we don't know what color anyone's eyes are, and Jerry is apparently a nickname for Jeremy. 

Apologies in advance for the sub-par audio quality on this one – we were trying out a new mic setting. Takeaway: not all settings are created equal!

In the spirit of the NEW JESSICA, Marissa and local fashion icon Caitlin McCann reminisce about pushing wardrobe boundaries in high school and feeling at home in Los Angeles.

While Marissa takes a Christmas break from editing, enjoy this replay of the special SPECIAL CHRISTMAS Christmas episode with Marissa and Don Flaxbart. 

Happy Holidays! See you in 2020, Gladiators!

Guest reader Caitlin McCann is back, and a lot has happened since she watched Jessica snag (and be snagged by) Bruce in Book 3: PLAYING WITH FIRE. This time, Jessica dyes her hair black and pretends to be a Francophile. Meanwhile Elizabeth imagines she’s in her own personal version of the Distracted Boyfriend Meme. The more things change, the more they stay the same in Sweet Valley, California.

If he can’t tell which twin you are, he’s probably not The One. Tim Redmond (the new voice of Jeffrey French) is back to talk twins, reminisce about juvenile fiction, and reveal relevant secrets about his past. 

SEASON 4 PREMIERE!

The podcast is still here! Unfortunately so is Jeffrey French. Or, wait...is Jeffrey French actually kind of a catch? Marissa comes to terms with her raging case of First Romantic Coupling Loyalty Syndrome (FRCLS) while guest reader Tim Redmond is more concerned about what Mr. Collins is getting up to. Its Jess & Lila vs Liz and Enid but the real hero is a fearless 15-year-old booklover named cousin Jenny. Also, the "dance of the month" is a canned food auction.

Welcome back, everybody.

Jessica and Elizabeth are live-in babysitters, living a 90-minute drive from home. But don’t worry, they still manage to make it a thrilling soap-operatic adventure, replete with double-identities, murders, and deadly rainstorms. Frank Bednarz, Esq. joins Marissa to marvel at this book and congratulate it on its simultaneous climaxes. 

Music in this episode is by Marissa Flaxbart (theme song), Jocelyn Scofield (Beautiful Boys) and courtesy of Purple Planet.

Further reading:

CIPHER IN THE SNOW (trigger warning: teen death, bullying, may induce lifelong feelings of misplaced guilt)

In 2019, Bloomberg listed Malibu as the 43rd richest city in America

Can identical twins have different allergies?

Is it dangerous to be in a house by the ocean during a thunderstorm?

I got my hands on a US edition of CHEATING TO WIN, but it didn't arrive until after last week's extra drama came out. I'm between two short weekend trips, so please accept this dramatic reading as this week's little episode!

Follow Sweet Valley Diaries on Instagram and TikTok

Relive your totally universal teenage memories of spring breaks in Cannes, France -- exploring the topless beaches, returning puppies to countesses, picking up medication for your host mother's patients...you know, all the normal spring break stuff.

Kat Hazelton remembers! And she's back, all the way from the Book 1 Episode, to marvel at the way Sweet Valley has changed, and the ways it's stayed the same.

Follow @sweetvalleydiaries on Instagram!

Get tickets to A Mere Conception

Music in this episode:

À peine défigurée (Ali Daniel)

RC (Requin Chagrin)

Tu connais Babar (Mocke)

Tobruk (via Filmstro)

In this last Extra Drama of Season 3, longtime Sweet Valley High reader Cherelle Solomon is back to talk earthquakes, the appeal of Sweet Valley, and the very tantalizing possibility of reading two books at literally the same time (as long as one of them is Sweet Valley). 

Make sure you're subscribed to the podcast so that new episodes appear automatically in your feed when the hiatus is over! In the meantime, check out SweetValleyDiaries.net or shoot me an email about your Sweet Valley memories (or, ya know, whatever) – sweetvalleydiaries@me.com

Instagram: @sweetvalleydiaries

Twitter: @sweetvalley

Ah, complicated teen friendships. Ah, high school sororities. Some experiences are universal. Avid girlhood Sweet Valley reader (and current therapist) Cherelle Solomon joins Marissa to examine this timeless text.

Reference Shelf:

Joanne the Scammer

The DUFF

BTW, the last PBA pledge season was 26 books ago, not 16. Time flies!

It's tempting to say, "why are all these teen girls so awful?" But then you remember what being a teenage girl is like...which is not to say that Marissa and her guest, Denise Boylan, refrain from calling out teen girls like Amy Sutton, Jessica Wakefield, and even Elizabeth Wakefield on their bullshit. Because then, what would this podcast even be?

People who we deem "cool as hell" in this episode: Enid’s Aunt; Amy Sutton’s mom, Dylan Sutton; Denise Hadley; Alice Wakefield? 

Follow the show on Instagram!  

While we wait for the haunting to pass (read: until we can re-record the episode recapping Book 29, BITTER RIVALS) we're reading letters from Gladiators like you. Sweet Valley Twins, Thrillers, Special Editions, Sagas, and even audiobooks all get a name drop in this very special episode.

Further listening/reading:

SV Twins in-book announcement on Instagram

OMG THE AUDIOBOOK

Book 29 recap from 2009

There comes a time in every podcast's run when an episode is thwarted by MAJOR TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES!!! This is that time for us. 

As such, Marissa will not be offended if you skip this one altogether. She WILL, however, be offended if this effort is not nominated for this year's Making Lemons Out of Lemonade Award. Which is fictional. Damn.

Real #29: BITTER RIVALS episode coming July 18, 2019. Unless ghosts.

What's Lynne Henry's deal? This and other pressing questions (not to mention heartfelt confessions of deeply rooted personal insecurities, laments about high school crushes, smack talk about Guy Chesney, etc.) come together to form the sexy, confident body of this week's bonus episode.

You've been waiting with bated breath for Lynne Henry to FINALLY get her very own book. Marissa is joined by her cousin, Meghan Shattuck of Albuquerque, for this journey into one of the teen-angstiest  volumes of the Sweet Valley High series. It also doubles as a legit romance novel (if you ignore the b-story about a rocking-chair-based cheerleading fundraiser).

Further Reading:

"The New Linda Ronstadt Documentary Proves Just How Underrated She Is" (Pitchfork, 2019)

"Why Was Trent Lane from Daria So Hot?" (HuffPost, June 2018)

Some music in this episode is courtesy of Purple Planet

It's Wednesday night and there's nothing better to do than sit in a semicircle at the high school and listen to teen poetry.

Molly McKellar returns to help Marissa recreate an authentic "literary evening" at Sweet Valley High and overanalyze a totally fictional poem. WHAT LARKS!

IKEA Catalog covers 

Evidence by Mary Oliver

Practical Gods by Carl Dennis

This episode features music from Purple Planet

Ken Matthews: The man. The myth. The m....aybe he should be spending more time working on his English homework? Molly McKellar joins Marissa to discuss this movie-star handsome captain of the football team and his many, many, highly relatable troubles in this, the first male-character-centered volume in the Sweet Valley High series.

Guest Tabatha Myers tells us about her history with Sweet Valley; then, a close look at the copyright pages of a British edition of CHEATING TO WIN, and a call for ghostwriter intel.

What do you get when you put the Baby-Sitters Club girls in a Sweet Valley world? Well if this bonus episode's best guess is correct, you get Janine Kishi and Shannon Kilbourne executing a computer plant heist alongside Kristy and Stacey. And that's in ADDITION to the big parade!

Obviously, Jack and Tanner from the BSCC Podcast are back.

Is Mitch Denson a certified snack or an entire dish? What on earth is a “burn of the week?” Who is Regina? Answers to all this and more courtesy to extremely professional podcasters and Baby-Sitters Club experts Jack Shepherd and Tanner Greenring (hosts of the tremendous Baby-Sitters Club Club Podcast).

Further Reading:

Nicholas Morrow, NFL 

Le Morte d’Arthur

Sweet Valley Diaries at St. Martin's Press, 2010

Dan Gaspari returns to discuss the band that rocks Sweet Valley High. What do they sound like? What will happen if they date each other? Who are they? How many band names can we remember? Answers to all this and more await!

Further Reading (Or Listening!)

Dave Grohl

Stop Making Sense (which is really more a concert film than a documentary)

Tom Tom Club, Genius of Love. Tina Weymouth and Chris Frantz were bass player and drummer for Talking Heads, respectively. 

Grandma and Grandpa Wakefield are in town and poor Alice has NOWHERE TO RUN from her attention-hogging, out-of-state in-laws!

Oh wait, that's the b-story. This book's title refers to Droids drummer Emily Mayer and her family problems, which Elizabeth will be solving. Thanks, Elizabeth! Guest Dan Gaspari joins Marissa to discuss both a-and b-stories and marvel at the pure evil that is Emily's stepmother, KAREN. 

Some music in this episode courtesy of PurplePlanet.com

www.sweetvalleydiaries.net

Guest Katie LaDue returns to finally reveal the secret Jessica B-Plot that had her scheming to go to a dance with Winston Egbert. What possible explanation could there be for such a happenstance??? Listen and learn the truth.

Steven is in a love triangle with Cara and a ghost. Elizabeth is hoping to replace Todd with a doppelgänger. Jessica is trying to get Winston to take her to The Caravan. In short, all three of the Wakefield siblings are back on their bullshit, and Katie LaDue returns to discuss it all.

Are Steven, Enid, and everyone else in Sweet Valley right about long-distance being a bad idea? Do these rules only apply to 16-year-olds? What is a "hometown honey?" Mary Kate Wiles and Marissa discuss all of these questions, and concretely answer only one of them.

Is it possible to hang a black veil over a podcast episode description?

No?

Damn. 

Mary Kate Wiles comforts Marissa in her time of crisis. Because...TODD!!! TOOODDDDD!!!!

Music in this episode:

ELEGIAC SYMPHONY by Dee Yan-Key

Fonte Abandonada by Real Vocal String Quartet

Links!

Paper & Slate

Lizzie Bennett Diaries

Shipwrecked Comedy on YouTube

Proof that this whole glasses thing is not new

Marissa and Russ Nickel consider the morality of staging an elaborate lie to trick a friend into becoming less of a total sad sack. 

Marissa brings back newly-minted Bill Chase/Dee Dee Gordon expert Russ Nickel, and the results may surprise you: realistic and relatable depiction of romantic problems? Healthy lessons for young readers? This isn't the Sweet Valley High I fell in love with... 

The latest in our series of Very Special Episodes, this is the one about accidentally being on sports enhancing drugs some shady dude sold you in a baggie. Lifelong SVH reader Tabatha Myers joins Marissa to get super serious on this very serious and seriously handled subject.

Marissa and songstress Jocelyn Scofield discuss the story of Jocelyn's ode to all the former Rick Andovers out there, her song "Bad Boy in High School." Spoiler alert: they're probably NOT the best years of your life.

Season 3 Premiere! Marissa and songstress Jocelyn Scofield investigate Jessica Wakefield’s first emo phase, poor parenting in Sweet Valley, and that one time Elizabeth served Ricky Capaldo some deeply scalding tea.

Happy V Day...Sweet V Day, that is! Marissa made up that holiday, but there's no reason that should keep you from celebrating. Celebrate by listening to this announcement!

This episode features music from PurplePlanet.com and an excerpt from RACING HEARTS, Sweet Valley High #9, by Kate William.