Throughout developed countries, young men have been running to extremist conservative politics with disastrous consequences for democracy. Rather than responding with sympathy or concern, liberal discourse has largely focused on disgust, rejection, and revulsion. In this episode, Julie and her husband Jonny (whose chief stated expertise is "I'm a guy") unpack some of the social disadvantages that men in developed countries face that liberals frequently deride or ignore. They argue that liberals need to open their minds, hearts, and ears to these issues so that young men will stop finding "sympathy" from the wrong people, and describe strategies for society and individuals to engage more positively and proactively with men.

Mentioned in this episode:

Of Boys and Men by Richard Reeves

Violated: Sexual Consent and Assault in the 21st Century by Julie Fennell with Remy Green

Neither mainstream culture nor BDSM subculture is particularly supportive of masculine submission--especially for hetero(ish) cis-men. In this interview, Julie's submissive Artifiction describes his personal experiences trying to reconcile social norms of cis straightish masculinity with the fundamental desire to have someone else be in charge. He and Julie unpack some of the considerable social and personal obstacles that he and other masculine submissives like him face. These include lack of fictional or real role models, lack of social support, and constant struggles for legitimacy.

Mentioned in this episode:

⁠Please Scream Quietly: A Story of Kink⁠

⁠Violated: Sexual Consent and Assault in the 21st Century⁠

⁠Dominatrix: Gender, Eroticism, and Control in the Dungeon⁠

Drawing heavily on the research she conducted from 2012-17 in the BDSM (Bondage & Discipline, Dominance and submission, Sadism & Masochism) subculture, in this episode Julie analyzes the way that gender is broadly connected to BDSM roles. Generally speaking, masculinity is tied to dominance, femininity is tied to submission, and queerness is tied to switching. This episode also discusses some about the way age and desirability intersect with gender and BDSM roles.

Mentioned in this episode: ⁠

Please Scream Quietly: A Story of Kink by Julie Fennell (2022)⁠⁠

The Night Is Young by Hector Carrillo (2001)⁠

Blog posts on Fetlife for who actually benefits the most from BDSM scene involvement:

⁠part 1⁠ and ⁠part 2

Trigger warnings: childhood trauma in general terms, mental illness (especially Borderline Personality Disorder), and relationship dissolution/divorce

Relationship attachment theory has become increasingly popular in Queer communities, but in this episode, Julie explains that the science doesn't really support the enthusiasm. However, one category is perhaps a bit more valid from a scientific perspective than the other three: disorganized attachment (anxious-avoidant). This episode reviews some of the history of relationship attachment theory, critiques its research methods, and proposes that using a behaviorist/learned helplessness framework for understanding relationship patterns can often be much more helpful than the psychoanalytic framework it originated from. It also discusses some of the reasons why relationship attachment theory is so compelling for many Queers (who have often been failed by the mental health establishment), with calls for more research on mental illness dynamics in romantic relationships. ⁠

Wikipedia history of attachment theory

⁠⁠Borderline personality in men

⁠⁠Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) ⁠

⁠Summary of disorganized attachment in relationships⁠

⁠Link⁠

⁠Link⁠

⁠Link⁠

⁠Link⁠

⁠Link⁠

Two competing ideas exist: (1) that all polyamorous people don't get jealous and (2) that all polyamorous people get jealous but are just really good at processing their anxieties and talking about their feelings with their partners. In reality, both things are true--many poly people get jealous, and many poly people just don't. In this episode, Julie discusses the complexities and implications of these differences for individuals, relationships, and the poly/BDSM subculture.

Referenced in this episode:

⁠Diagram of non-monogamies⁠

⁠Wheel of Emotions

In this episode, Julie talks about many the things that she loves about rope bondage (sometimes called shibari) and discusses vocabulary for talking about what we all love about rope. From art to dance to sex to intimacy to spirituality, there are so many ways to approach rope and do it with passion. This episode is intended for experienced rope lovers to articulate what they love about rope, and for people who are unfamiliar with rope learn more about what the rest of us get out of this demanding and versatile hobby-kink.

Rope and Photo by Lex_Red, Bottom Julie

Links to related instagram posts:

How to talk about what you love about rope

Different perspectives on loving rope

Trigger warning: brief discussion about Consensual Non-Consent (CNC) and Dubious Consent (DubCon)

Feminine dominants are a much misunderstood, misidentified, and misrepresented bunch. In this episode, Julie has a laughing (very late night) conversation with her co-top partner SugarandPoison about their "villain-coded" kinks as fem tops/sadists/doms. They discuss some of the challenges of finding an identity as a fem dom, and spend a lot of time going over their pleasures in it as well. Most of all, they remind listeners that you can do and be a fem dom however you want--their version just happens to lean rather dark and evil.

Photo credit: Julie tying ScarlettPanda at Boundcon '24, photographed by LadyZady

Many people are understandably confused about the relationship between sex and BDSM because... the relationship is very confusing. In this episode, Julie draws from the research she's conducted on the BDSM subculture as well as her extensive personal experience to try to answer the question "is BDSM about sex?" The short answer is, "ish, but you should never trust anyone who gives you a simple answer to this question, because it's extremely personal and subjective."

Referenced in this episode:

⁠Please Scream Quietly: A Story of Kink⁠, by Juile Fennell

⁠"The Prosocial Sadist,"⁠ by Jennifer Erickson and Brad Sagarin

In this conversation between Julie and Doug Robinson, they unpack some of the quirks and challenges of defining and articulating more complicated "sexual orientations." Both of them feel like usual labels don't do a great job of encompassing their own sexual desires and experiences, and they question the usefulness of these labels. In particular, Julie questions the wisdom of depending on "born this way" as an explanation/justification for sexual attraction, arguing that even if sexual attraction is a choice, that shouldn't make it any less legitimate.

Fashion plate toy mentioned in this episode: https://amzn.to/3WISInk

In this episode, Julie interviews playwright Doug Robinson about his experiences growing up and living as a gender non-conforming man. A pressing point in their conversation is the need for a social equivalent for feminine butch for men. We have come to accept a gender identity/presentation (at least for queer women) of "woman, but kind of masculine," but we have no corresponding identity/presentation of "man, but kind of feminine." Inspired by male seahorses, who can carry the babies of their species, Doug argues for a more expansive social construction of masculinity.

Mentioned in this episode:

You Know Me Well by Nina LaCour and David Levithan

Also, if you're in the DC area this Feb through March, you can see one of Doug's plays!

Julie and her sub Artifiction have both been writing erotica for years. In this episode, they share their wildly different journeys to the same destination of writing smutty stories. They discuss the qualities of good erotica, share perspectives on erotica reading and writing, and end with tips, tricks, and games for writing it for yourself, an audience, and/or your partner.

Julie has published stories in:

⁠Best Women's Erotica, volume 8⁠

⁠Big Book of Quickies⁠

~Content warning: Very explicit BDSM erotica~

Welcome to the Valentine's Day erotica special! This episode is a two-parter. This second episode contains two original short stories by Julie that are Fem Dom/masc sub. The first is "The first taste" and the second is "Possession."

If you're looking for published versions of my stories, check out these anthologies:

Best Women's Erotica, Volume 8

Big Book of Quickies

~Content warning: Very explicit BDSM erotica~

Welcome to the Valentine's Day erotica special! This episode is a two-parter. This first episode contains two original short stories by Julie that are Masc Dom/fem sub. The first is "Your dirty little fuck toy" and the second is "The kind of slut you are."

If you're looking for published versions of my stories, check out these anthologies:

Best Women's Erotica, Volume 8

Big Book of Quickies

Traditional BDSM culture has tended to ignore the artistry of being a good switch in favor of pure-dom/pure-sub identities and dynamics. Contemporary BDSM culture places a much higher value on switches and switching, but the specific skillset remains less understood and appreciated. In this episode, Julie and ElsieXO describe some switch identity journeys and unpack some of the skills good switches need. (Also, the Doug described in Elsie's story is in fact Doug Robinson, previous guest of the show). Apologies that some of the sound quality in this episode deteriorates a bit at the end--even extensive editing couldn't quite fully save it :-(

In this episode, Julie speculates about some of the reasons there's apparently such a high overlap between BDSM/polyamory and neurodivergence. There's very little published research on this topic, but there's a great deal of interest within these communities, so she considers some of the reasons these things might be related. She also takes a lengthy detour to discuss aphantasia and rope.

Mentioned in this episode: ⁠The Body Keeps the Score⁠ by Bessel van der Kolk

⁠The Prosocial Sadist?⁠ by Jennifer Erickson and Brad Sagarin

Ehlers-Danlos Syndromes Information

Sadly, there's no full audio recording (yet!) of my sociological book on the American BDSM scene, Please Scream Quietly: A Story of Kink. But here's chapter 1, Introduction: Your Fantasy Is My Reality, read by the author.

You can buy my book on Amazon, or you can buy it straight from the publisher. (If you're purchasing internationally, I believe the publisher is your best bet).

In this episode, Julie and her friend Doug Robinson chat about some of the things they love about group sex (threesomes, foursomes, and moresomes). Whether it's enjoying the freedom that comes with embracing queer sexuality or new ways to share bodies and friends, they talk a lot about the bonding that comes from group sex. They also talk about the Bad Stuff--problematic community and relationship dynamics that can really get in the way of the good time.

This episode provides a very brief survey of some interesting and occasionally significant figures from bisexual and polyamorous history, primarily targeting people who were born in the nineteenth century.

Here are links to many of the sources:

⁠ Virginia Woolf⁠

⁠Eleanor Roosevelt⁠

⁠Cole Porter⁠

Julie D’Aubigny

JD cont

Alfred Kinsey

Morning Glory Zell Ravenheart

MGZR cont

Ma Rainey

Josephine Baker

Frida Kahlo

William Moulton Marston

WMM cont

Erwin Schrodinger

David Garnett

DG cont

Jack Parsons

This episode is a continuation of the previous one where Julie and Remy discuss their book, Violated: Sexual Consent and Assault in the 21st Century (with obvious trigger warnings for discussion of sexual assault). They begin by discussing aspects of the BDSM subculture that can might be able to inform consent practices in the broader culture. Then they focus on the discussions of rape law in the book, which include the historical development of rape and sexual assault laws, followed by their take on mens rea (intentionality) and the desperate need to "grade" rape laws more like we currently grade homicide--by intent, not just offense.

For the book:

Amazon link

Publisher's link

Picking up from an earlier episode where Julie read the first chapter of Violated, Julie (a sociologist) and Remy (a lawyer) discuss their book, Violated: Sexual Consent and Assault in the 21st Century (to be continued in the next episode). They talk about how they came to write the book, things that surprised them as they worked on it, and the key themes of the book. The three most important of those themes are: (1) how gender norms end up inevitably creating sexual mistrust and encouraging sexual violations (2) how the construction of sexual assault law doesn't take really take intentionality into account and (3) how we should be exploring the concept of "consent hygiene" and asking, in a world where so many initial sexual encounters take place while one or both people are intoxicated, what's "good enough" consent?Mentioned in this episode:

⁠Hong (2018)⁠

⁠XKCD

Building on a previous episode about sexuality and gender (with Doug Robinson), this episode explores more ideas and themes around this weird and complicated topic. This breakdown includes things like some of the emotional and psychological dimensions of sexual attraction and identity, and how much of modern dating has come to be defined by willingness--or reluctance--to conform to a norm of three-dates-then-sex. They focus on grey areas of gender non-conformity, ace-spectrum experiences, and the nature of attraction.

Previous related episodes: Season 2, Episode 3: Born this way!

Season 1, Episode 7: Chatting about FemDom

In this episode, Julie reads the first chapter of her book, Violated: Sexual Consent and Assault in the 21st Century. Next month, she will have two episodes with her co-author Remy Green discussing their book. This episode provides the introduction for that conversation. Enjoy, and stay tuned!

Violated link

In this episode, Julie and her sub Artifiction discuss some of the challenges of moving from Dominant/submissive desires to actually translating those desires to relationships that can be manifested in the real world. They discuss D/s as an abstraction as well as some of its practical realities. Along the way, they talk about major obstacles in this process of creating these relationships, as well as how they began to create the dynamic that they both wanted.

(When recording the episode, Julie promised to look up the answer to the question, "do men quit their jobs more than women?" The answer turns out to be, "alas, the question is too complicated to answer effectively.")

Photo credit RainImagery

In this episode, Julie and her co-top SugarAndPoison break down some the pleasures and cautionary tales of co-topping. While recounting some of their favorite scenes together, they discuss things to be on the lookout for--in both good ways and bad--when plotting and planning co-topping scenes. They discuss the co-topping elements of everything from two-person rigged rope scenes to cuckolding scenes, and discuss how to get the most out of them.

Picking up the conversation from where we left off in Part 1, Part 2 examines certain challenges in cohabiting poly, kinky life, and then concludes by focusing more intentionally on problem-solving tactics that Julie, ElsieXO, and Jordan have successfully implemented in their relationships. The trio considers various communication strategies that can facilitate easy sexual communication without necessarily having to have Long Hard Conversations, as well as the way jealousy can both be a positive and a negative influence on sex in long-term relationships.

Mating in Captivity

TO BE CONTINUED (this episode cuts off in the middle of a conversation)

In Part 1 of this two-part episode, Julie chats with her peeps ElsieXO and Jordan to try to uncover the secrets of keeping sex and kink alive in long-term cohabiting poly relationships. All kinky, poly, queer women married to cis men for years, they discuss some of many challenges they have faced in keeping their long-term relationships sexy. While there are obviously many ways to promote and share different kinds of intimacy in relationships, this episode targets everyone who's ever asked: "but what do I do to keep things hot and spicy when the spice level was already so damned high?" In this episode, we coin terms like "sex inertia" and describe some of the factors that can affect the ebb and flow of sex and kink connectivity in long-term cohabiting relationships. We will continue the conversation in part 2, with greater focus on solutions.

Trigger warnings: mental health, eating disorders

In this episode, Julie tackles a subject few have been brave enough to ask: what's the real difference between BDSM and non-suicidal self-injury (NSSI, self-harm, "cutting," etc.)? Especially to outsider observers, BDSM and NSSI can look incredibly similar. Being a lifelong masochist who has never really engaged in serious NSSI, Julie found two volunteers (Cait and Siren) who were incredibly open about their experiences with BDSM and NSSI and the complex potential overlap between the two. At root, the difference mostly seems to come down to BDSM's association with sociability, connectedness, and joy, whil NSSI is associated with isolation, feelings of self-hatred, and shame.

As a sociologist, Julie also challenges some of the heavy stigma that NSSI faces, arguing that many activities society perceives as very positive (from running to drinking alcohol to ballet) can potentially have much more negative consequences than NSSI. She also points out that in general, pain does seem to often help humans process emotions, and the social understanding of both NSSI and BDSM probably needs to do a better job of incorporating that reality.

Huge thanks to Cait and Siren for being willing to share so much of themselves in this episode!

Referenced in this episode:

Secretary (2002)

Ginny & Georgia (2021-)

Trigger warnings: vague discussion of sexual assault and sexual harassment

Having gotten therapy from Jasmine in Part 1, in Part 2 Julie interviews Jasmine about her experiences with the adult industry. Jasmine talks about how much more positive her experiences have been, and the two of them celebrate the representation of sluts on and off screen. While being honest about some of the challenges sex workers like her face, Jasmine talks frankly about how different the industry has become and how welcome she has felt there.

If you've been enjoying this podcast, please consider contributing to it!--buymeacoffee.com/slutphd

Mentioned in this episode:

https://jasminesherni.com

Holly Randall Unfiltered https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/holly-randall-unfiltered/id1260471553

Last Days of August https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-last-days-of-august/id1258779354

The Butterfly Effect https://www.audible.com/podcast/The-Butterfly-Effect/

Trigger warnings: discussion of sexual assault, sexual harassment, suicide and mental health

In this episode, Julie talks with the amazing rising adult industry star Jasmine Sherni, discussing her (Julie's) conflicted feelings about the in-depth research she conducted on the industry in 2019. Julie says she's coming to Jasmine for "therapy," because she knows the industry has changed a lot for the better since then, and that Jasmine's presence in it is partly indicative of that positive change.

(Apologies that it's a little hard to hear Jasmine in the first few minutes of this episode--it does get better!)

Note for Jasmine's many fans: she talks a lot more in the upcoming second part of this episode!

Referenced in this episode:

https://jasminesherni.com

Holly Randall Unfiltered https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/holly-randall-unfiltered/id1260471553

Last Days of August https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-last-days-of-august/id1258779354

The Butterfly Effect https://www.audible.com/podcast/The-Butterfly-Effect/

One of the most common questions people ask me is "how do you go to so many kink conventions without getting completely exhausted?" And my answer is always: it's definitely not a talent, it's a very carefully honed skill. In this episode, I share the tips and tricks I've developed over the years to not "drop" after events--meaning not experience post-event exhaustion/depression/withdrawal, as well as how to effectively manage my time and energy at events. When I started out, I made plenty of mistakes, and I've had a lot of time and many opportunities to try to learn from those mistakes. Hopefully, these tips help you too!