The school’s version of sex-ed vs what you’ve been teaching is very different.

So, what now?

Send him in to learn about sex-ed from this point of view or keep him home so that your point of view remains unchallenged?

It can be a tough decision, yet it can also be simple.

Are we trying to create clones of ourselves or raise kids that are free to be exactly who they are and can come and talk to us about anything under the sun?

The latter, right?

So maybe, we can ask him how he feels about it and also weigh up the pros and cons of being part of the lesson so together you and he can make a collaborative decision.

This in itself is a great life skill.

I’m sharing a few nuggets in today’s episode (if I do say so myself) and I look forward to hearing how you get on with them.

In today’s episode we cover:

1. The two sentence starters you can use to help you have a convo with your kid about how we all have different ways of thinking and/or seeing things.
2. What non-binary thinking is and how to explain it to your kid.
3. How to set a culture of collaboration with your kid so they can be involved in making decisions that affect them.

If you’d like to join us in the Evolve School where I teach the whole Evolved Family Method let me know here.

Until next episode,

x Sarah

Our job is to be there for our kids, no matter what.

And their job is to ask for help, no matter what.

And so if there is something that they need to talk about, they need to know they must ask for help.

As many times as possible, until they get it.

People being hurt by sex (this can happen for many reasons) is a difficult topic to speak about.

But having these kinds of chats with our kids is important.

For their growth and awareness.

So have a listen to this week’s episode to learn how to have this kind of talk with your kid.

Building the courage to speak openly with our kids about all kinds of topics is important for our own connection with them and ourselves.

If you need more support with this, feel free to reach out here and leave me your details. I’ll get back to you.

For now, have a listen to how we use courage to have complex conversations about difficult topics.

x Sarah

Do you have the skills and abilities to sit with really complex emotions?

Complex emotions like fear, worry, embarrassment, tension, or anger.

Whether they show up in you or others?

This is what you can learn if you join my community to learn The Evolved Family Method.

Your friend, who you love, is constantly making negative and toxic comments about her body and the body of others, around your kids.

You want her to stop but need some help in what to say.

In today’s episode I’m sharing how you can discuss this with your kids and also how you can best approach your friend.

Connection is at the heart of Sitting In a Car and for the relationship you want to build with your kids and the adults in your life.

Remember to grab a pen and paper so you can get the suggested wording to use and adapt for your own convos going forward.

You can also grab the free resource I mentioned via the link in my bio. (KELI CAN YOU MAKE SURE THIS LINK IS IN THE INSTAGRAM BIO PLEASE - You can edit the bio in searchie - thanks)

If you would love more support with your emotions, talking about sensitive things and plucking up the courage to do so, then The Evolved Family Method may be for you.

Drop me a DM to have a chat or head to the link in my bio to join The Evolve School waitlist.

x Sarah

I love this week’s question.

Because yes, it’s about consent, my favourite subject –

and consent isn’t always about sex so that makes it an easy topic to talk about with smaller kids.

You see, consent is actually about respecting yourself and others.

And we all want to raise kids who respect themselves and the people around them :)

So, YES!

We certainly can talk about consent with very young kids.

And the great thing about wanting to talk about consent is

childhood is FULL of everyday opportunities that help our kids see why consent is so important.

I have a story for you this week

about something I overheard, during one of my kids’ playdates,

where a really gross, funny game was happening,

and how I intervened, to let everyone know

that nobody has to eat anything they don’t want to eat (don’t ask!).

Enjoy this week's episode. It’s a good one

x Sarah

This question is a great one.

Because it’s about how we parent in a broken world.

I have a story for you this week. It’s about my child saying ‘too much’ to a kid whose parents weren’t ready for their kid to learn about sex.

Boy, was it awkward.

It had real repercussions.

(You can hear about it by listening to the whole episode.)

The fact is, kids talk.

And the reality also is, some grown-ups don’t think it’s right for kids to know facts about sex, puberty and bodies.

Or, maybe these parents want to talk, but they don’t know how.

So they just say nothing.

The difficulty is this. We know that it’s really important for our kids to have accurate information about sex from trusted grown-ups.

It gives kids a feeling of comfort and normality around the subject.

It means that far, far into the future, when they’re adults, they’re better able to keep themselves happy and safe, and the people around them too.

And it helps that our kids know that if ever they have questions,

or if something goes a bit wrong,

they can come to us.

Those are great reasons!

To hear more about this tricky but super-important subject,

and to hear my story about how awkward it can be (I’ve been there!),

have a look at this week's Sitting in a Car.

‘How do you teach your kid not to touch their vulva or bum in public

without body shaming them?’

What a great question!

It’s so useful for all of us who want to raise a child who is not ashamed of their body.

Lots of us know from personal experience that when we feel shame about our body,

it disempowers us.

It makes it harder to speak up for what we need.

It makes it harder to ask for help if something doesn't feel right.

It even makes it harder to ask for medical attention when we need it.

So there are so many great reasons why we want to avoid body shame for our kids.

How can we help our kids understand that there are rules about how and when we touch our own bodies,

without body shaming them?

To hear more about how to have these conversations about bodies,

and about how to raise kids without shame,

have a look at Sitting in a Car this week

x Sarah

This week, a parent asks,

‘‘If I don’t have boys, should I talk to my daughter about porn?’

This is such a great question.

Because it’s about so much more than porn.

It’s about all the media we might see

that has an impact on our ability to accept ourselves,

accept other people,

understand there are different types of bodies,

and there are all kinds of s=e=x=.

So it’s a big question!

And the short answer is… YES.

We should chat with all of our kids, of all genders, about porn.

To hear more of my answer to this great question, about how us adults can help our kids build these skills,

Listen to this week's video 👆

‘Is discharge from my vagina normal?’

This week’s question is such a great one.

It came from an 11-year-old.

If you’re a vagina owner, you may have had this question yourself, at some time in your life.

I call this kind of question an ‘am I normal?’ kind of question.

I get ‘am I normal’ questions a lot from kids.

Part of why I get these questions a lot

might be because sometimes when kids are growing up,

they don’t have a person they can ask

if they have questions about bodies, babies, puberty, and all the things.

(I’ve got a story for you about that in this week’s episode, from my own childhood.)

To learn more about how to empower the vagina-owning young people in your life,

and ways to let your kids know you’re a person they can ask about this stuff,

have a look at this week’s video.

www.sarahsproule.com/booklist

How do I respond if a child who isn’t mine (nieces and nephews) asks me questions about sensitive stuff like bodies and sex

This is such an important question.

This week in Sitting in a Car, I tell a story about a grandmother who answered a question when her granddaughter asked about sex and what happened next.

(There are BLOOPERS and spelling mistakes in this week's episode FYI so if you want to find those, make sure you watch to the very end! #facepalm)

Let’s be clear. If a child ever asks you a question about something sensitive, it’s a wonderful thing. It shows that you are approachable and they trust you. You should be honoured that you are in this awkward situation.

To hear more about what to say to other people’s children,

have a look at this week’s episode.

 

“Is it ok to tell a 4-year-old they came out of the vagina?”

What an awesome question this week.

It’s important for all adults to think about this, even if your kids are older or younger.

I think the answer starts with how we can get comfortable doing the parts of parenting that feel extra difficult.

(In this weeks episode, I tell a personal story about how my anxiety stopped me being able to show up for  my kids in an everyday situation.)

So what can parents and other adults who care for children say to young kids about how babies are born?

To hear more about how to chat about birth,

Listen to this week's episode.

 

“How do I balance my 12-year-old’s resistance to showering with respecting her boundaries?

She needs to be strongly encouraged to wash!”

What a great question!

I love that boundaries are included there.

Because the person asking the question is acknowledging

that we can be teaching our child about consent

even with the most basic conversations about their body.

Sometimes, a kid is a bit resistant to bathing, without being even conscious of it.

Sometimes not bathing is just a habit.

And sometimes kids’ habits need to change, as they grow into adults and their bodies change.

And we can help them with that.

(I have a story for you about this from my own family. Listen to this episode to hear more)

So this week I have some ways we can help our young people grow into adults

and learn to take care of their bodies in a way that works for them.

I have an answer to a great question this week.

‘Any advice on a good way to correct a child on their gender stereotypes

like ‘green is a boy colour’?’

D’you know what’s interesting about this question?

‘Green is a boy’s colour’ is sort of true…

Yes, true.

But only SORT of true.

We’re all constantly surrounded by secret messages and rules about gender. We see and hear them …

All.

The.

Time.

And it can be really hard NOT to believe them.

So how can we correct our growing small person

when they make a statement that assumes something about gender? Find out more in this week’s episode of Sitting in a Car.

x Sarah

A few months ago a parent asked me:

‘What if talking about p0*n, makes my child curious – and they go looking for it?’

You might have a version of this question yourself.

What if I talk to my kid about p0*n – or for that matter bodies, babies, puberty and s=e=x –

and it makes them curious,

and they go looking for these things?

Kids need us to have these convos.

So that they have the info to be able to think critically,

and to distinguish what is ok,

what is a bit weird,

and what is just plain wrong for them.

So to learn more about how it’s not only ok, but good, to chat with your kid about p0*n and other places we might see s=e=x,

have a look at our video

‘How do you discuss sexual desire with adolescents?

And without shame?’ This is such a great question –

and it's not just a question for parents of adolescents.

It's a question that relates to kids of all ages.

Because when our young people know what desire is and can talk about it,

it’s a sign of self-awareness.

They are learning to speak up for the things they need and want.

And pushing push back against the shame that might keep them quiet or small

and not able to speak about what they want.

We've lots to say on this wonderful and important topic.

And lots of tips for you, for when you have convos about this –

including how to chat to your teenagers,

and want more privacy, and mightn't want to chat to YOU about any of this at all!

This episode is a gentle reminder about this past question on Sitting in a Car and how my answer can support even more connection between you and your growing kid. Because sometimes it’s helpful to be reminded of the things you wanted to talk about in your family but you’ve forgotten about in the swirl of family life x

Do you believe an 11-year-old asked this question? Wait for it …

Wait for it ...

‘Does a condom work all the time?’

Hmm!

How comfortable are you talking about condoms with your 11-year-old kid?

Or your young person of any age?

I remember the first time I had s=e=x, penis-in-vagina type sex.

We didn’t use a condom.

Nope.

Nobody had really talked to me about that sort of thing.

(I chat more about that in this week’s video.)

So what can us parents say to our young people in case they are worried about this part of growing up?

To hear more about how to chat about condoms, listen to this week’s episode.

There’s even more help is on the way for parents and other caring adults who would like to ‘Become A Comfortable Parent’. To find out more about that, listen right to the end of Sitting in a Car.

This week’s question is a great one if you’re a single parent who has to do the puberty, bodies and sex bit of parenting on your own… 

Or if you DO have a partner, but they’re even less of a comfortable parent than you are!

This week’s question is,

‘Any advice if my partner doesn’t want to get involved in talking to our kids about sex?’

In a way, this question is about consent.

Not all of us are comfortable or able to do all the bits of parenting!

I have a story for you this week about that from my own family

(Watch this episode of Sitting In A Car to hear it).

Yes, our children benefit hugely from open, comfortable convos about bodies, puberty and sex.

But no-one should feel pressured to go against their abilities and feelings of comfort, and maybe even their feelings of safety.

Join me for Sitting In A Car to learn more ways to do your best parenting and talk about sensitive things.

x Sarah

Let’s talk about the secret messages the world sends us… about PUBIC HAIR!

These messages tell us what is ‘ok’ for our body looks like… and what is ‘wrong’ for our body to look like.

This is a subject close to my own heart.

Like some of you, I’ve had a love-hate relationship with my own hair my whole life.

I love some bits of it!

And other bits of it drive me mad.

Join me on week’s episode of Sitting in A Car and let’s talk secrets about pubic hair.

x Sarah

Ps. My free workshop series ‘Become A Comfortable Parent’ is all about helping you to feel more at ease and confident having ongoing conversations with your kid(s). Most of us want to raise confident, caring young people who respect themselves and the people around them.

If you’d like to know when the next workshop starts, head on over to www.sarahsproule.com/comfortable

‘What will my child have missed out on in sex ed because they haven’t been in school for 4 months?’

We’ve a question this week

for parents whose kids have been home from school for what feels like forever.

Which is most of us.

Here’s something reassuring.

What’s wonderful about learning is that it doesn’t take place only in the classroom.

There’s lots of other places and ways that kids learn.

And that’s relevant here.

Check out the website https://amaze.org

 

 

Why don’t boys know about cervixes and fallopian tubes? 

How do we expect boys to be understanding when they don’t even know what the word menstruation means?’

For a deep convo about this great question, 

including a funny story about what happens

when ALL people aren’t taught about

ALL the bits of the body, 

join me for this week’s episode of Sitting In A Car.

Today’s question is not really about LGBTQIA kids at all.

It's sort of about what happens in parenting when we don’t get things exactly right…

I have a story for you, about a thing my own mum didn’t get exactly right. 

She was doing her very best – but she was given the wrong information.

(You can hear what happened in this week’s Sitting In A Car.)

So what can you do when you feel that you maybe haven’t supported your kid 

as well as you might have liked to?

Listen watch more to hear my 3 ideas. 

‘If your 8-year-old child is not asking questions,

should you initiate the conversation?

How do you know what they’re ready to learn?’

This is such a great question, because it gets to the heart of what we think about s=e=x=.

And the answer to this question applies to children of every age.

In our video and podcast this week, there are loads of great ways to get this convo started, even if you’re both new at it.

A mum asks,

‘How do you deal with awkward daddies?

Ours panics at the word vagina when our girls say it.’

This is such a super question,

because it allows us to chat about gender,

and the expectations around what certain genders get to say and do.

In this week’s episode, I talk about how to make space for male parents to grow into talking to their kids about puberty, bodies and sex.

‘What do you say when your 9-year-old daughter says she doesn’t want to have a period?’

This is such a good question -

and not just for parents of 9-year-olds who are thinking about periods,

but for all of us.

Cos this question is really about connection.

This week on Sitting In A Car, I remember when I got my first period.

Because my family didn’t talk about periods, I decided I wanted to keep my period a secret.

(You can hear how that worked out here.)

This week, a parent asked,

‘If I’ve a gay or lesbian child, how do I talk about sex and relationships?’  

This is such a great question.

Because it might seem like it’s a question only for parents of LGBTQ+ young people.

But it’s not!

It’s a question for all of us.

Because it’s really about:

how do we raise children and young people

to be adults who are comfortable being themselves?

‘What do you say when your 9-year-old daughter says she doesn’t want to have a period?’

This is such a good question -

and not just for parents of 9-year-olds who are thinking about periods,

but for all of us.

Cos this question is really about connection.

This week on Sitting in a Car, I remember when I got my first period.

Because my family didn’t talk about periods, I decided I wanted to keep my period a secret.

(You can hear how that worked out here.)

This episode is a gentle reminder about this past question on Sitting in a Car and how my answer can support even more connection between you and your growing kid. Because sometimes it’s helpful to be reminded of the things you wanted to talk about in your family but you’ve forgotten about in the swirl of family life x

Here it is: ‘How do you discuss sexual desire with adolescents?

And without shame?’

This is such a great question –

and it's not just a question for parents of adolescents. 

It's a question that relates to kids of all ages.

Because when we talk about desire, 

we’re actually talking about self-awareness. 

We’re talking about openness. 

We’re talking about how we speak up for the things we need and want.

And we’re also talking about how we push back against the shame that might keep us quiet or small 

and not able to speak about what we want.

We've lots to say on this wonderful and important topic. 

And lots of tips for you, for when you have convos about this – 

including how to chat to your teenagers, 

and want more privacy, and mightn't want to chat to YOU about any of this at all!

This week’s parent question is:

‘Should I tell my 10-year-old not to tell his sister about sex?

She’s 8. I haven’t discussed it with either of them yet.’

This week, Sarah chats about how we create a feeling in our family, where our kids know we're allowed to talk about sex?

For ideas about how to create a culture of openness and ‘it’s ok’-ness in your family

(with some ideas and scripts for you) listen to this weeks episode.                                                                                                                                                                                                           

x Sarah

Ps. Sometimes, listening to podcasts is not enough to get comfortable talking with our kids about puberty, bodies and s=e=x=. If you want ongoing support to learn how to start conversations about puberty, bodies and sex visit www.sarahsproule.com/easier to find out more about my programme. It’s called Sensitive Conversations (Made Easier).

And it does what is says it will do. It makes this part of parenting easier.

Follow Sarah on Instagram

I’ve a story for you this week.

It’s about a very hard thing that happened when I was young.

And I very much needed a sit-down conversation with my parents.

 

(The full story is in this week’s video and podcast – 4 mins)

 

And this week I am answering the question ‘Should “a talk” be more formal, or more relaxed?’

 

But, you know what?

 

In my family, with my own kids,

we don’t really have a lot of formal, serious, sit-down type convos.

 

But we do talk. About some big stuff.

 

And here’s the thing.

You can actually have plenty of ‘talks’

where it doesn’t happen in a formal, sitting-down way.

 

You can chat in the car. (As we do here every week!)

You can chat while walking the dogs.

Or doing some other thing your family does all the time.

 

A ‘talk’ doesn’t have to look like a board meeting.

 

And that’s great news.

 

Because it means you can think about how YOUR family works.

How do you chat about things as a family?

How you decide things?

Where are your own comfort zones?

 

What does your older kid(s) need, for ‘buy-in’ (to actually listen to you, and hear you).

:)

 

When you know the answer to those questions ☝ then you can figure out YOUR ways to ‘talk’ from there.

 

For more about how to have the big talks and the ‘small and often’ talks,

and to hear my little story about a really big talk that involved quite a lot of crying,

listen to the podcast (4 mins).

Hi there,

What do you remember from when you were a kid?   Do you have a memory of upsetting the adults around you?   Were they upset because you were talking about a topic they didn’t think was ok for kids?   Some of us have memories like that from when we were children.   And that sort of memory might prevent us from doing what is helpful and right for our kids.   This week on Sitting In a Car, I read a story like that from a mum.   A long time ago, this mum got into trouble with her aunt for telling her cousin information about puberty, periods and more.   I want to get clear about something, right now (I’m using my serious voice so listen up!)   Even though adults were upset and cross with her, it DOES NOT MEAN she was saying or doing the wrong thing.   Did you hear me?   She probably wasn’t wrong.   I’d even bet a lot of money that she definitely wasn’t wrong, actually.   That’s how sure I am that what she was talking about when she was younger was ok for her cousin.   You see, most adults in our past would have said far too little to their children about bodies etc.   Those adults thought they were doing the right thing.   But they weren’t. They really weren’t. Nope.   SO now you are left trying to do the best for your own kid(s) even though you weren’t shown how to talk easily about bodies and puberty. Or babies and s=e=x.   The good news is that you can still learn how to do this part of parenting even better. You can break the cycle of embarrassment.   Your child can grow up remembering easy, open conversations with their parent about their bodies, puberty and s=e=x=.   And maybe your child will remember absolutely nothing out of the ordinary because talking about bodies felt so normal and comfortable.   If you want that for your child, I’ve got extra goodies for you this week.   My FREE workshop series ‘Become a Comfortable Parent’ starts next Monday the 25th May.   Next week, you can get your questions answered. And you can learn the first steps to make talking with your kid(s) more comfortable and natural.   You’ll have a chance to learn with me for a whole week.   Plus I’ll be running a competition for you to win a free book to read to your kid(s)
(I’ll recommend a book that’s exactly right for your family.)   Can’t ask for better than that, right?
Click here (www.sarahsproule.com/comfortable) to save your place and I’ll see you on the other side.   x Sarah

PS. Don’t forget to save your place on Become a Comfortable Parent ( www.sarahsproule.com/comfortable). I don’t run this workshop series very often so come and join me. I’d love to see you.   Follow Sarah on Instagram    Visit Sarah's website  

‘My 9-year-old son is very self-conscious every morning with an erection. How can I talk to him?’

 

This week’s episode has something for everyone, not just people with a pen-is.

 

Because it’s not REALLY about pen-ises and erections.

 

It’s about: how do we help our kids grow up without body shame?

 

Since we are all hanging around with our kids in the house so much more right now, this question might be more relevant for you.

 

You might have noticed things about your child(ren) that you’ve not noticed before.

 

The thing about body shame is this.

 

If our kid(s) feel shame about their bodies, then they’re less able to be confident about their body and their whole self.

 

When they’re less confident, they’re less able to speak up for what they need to keep themselves safe and happy.

 

Not just in their everyday life but in their future intimate lives too.

 

So the thing that’s so great about this question is that there are lessons here for us no matter what sort of child we are raising.

 

Because shame about bodies, is not something that only happens to people with pen-ises. It happens to all of us.

 

 

And there are things we can do, to help our kids avoid this shame.

 

We can give our child permission to have a body that looks and does whatever it needs to, even if our young person feels uncomfortable about it.

 

 

We can say, “This is a normal thing that bodies do”. 

We can talk about how funny it is that people don’t talk about this normal thing that bodies do.

 

And we (the caring adult) can take responsibility for the fact that, up til now, we might not haven’t talked inside our family about all the sorts of normal things that bodies do.

 

 

I have a story for you this week.

It’s about something that happened to me when I was giving birth to one of my kids.

 

 

I had an experience of feeling shame and shock about something my body was doing.

 

Nobody had spoken to me about this unpleasant thing, even though it was very common and normal.

 

 

So believe me, I get this.

And I bet you do too.

 

 

And by the way, it’s ok if you find this part of parenting hard!

We have some great scripts and ideas for you, to make it easier.

 

Watch this episode here, or listen to the podcast version, on iTunes or Spotify.

 

x Sarah

 

Ps. Would you like some extra support with these sorts of conversations?

 

On May 25th at 8pm I’m starting my FREE webinar series called Become A Comfortable Parent.

 

Save your spot here (link www.sarahsproule.com/comfortable) so you don’t miss out.

 

Can’t wait to hang out with you soon!

 

 

Hey there,

This week, a parent has asked me,

‘Can you talk about contraception with 11 and 12 year olds?’

So, some of you know that I live in Ireland.

And I go in to schools to talk to 11- and 12-year-olds about sexuality, puberty and relationships.

Here in Ireland, information about contraception is NOT on the school curriculum for that age group.

But the World Health Organisation says that children of this age can understand the basics of how contraception works much younger that 11.

So…

To raise confident and caring young people who respect themselves and the people around them we need to lay the groundwork for all sort of topics from an early age.  

That means we can give our young kids basic information that they can build on as they grow up.

So that when our young person gets to an age where they actually NEED info about contraception, we’ve already given them the basics before they get too embarrassed to listen to us.

We have given them some accurate information that helps them make good decisions about their own health and happiness.

So yes, we can talk about it!

Not cos they need the information right now. Or anytime soon.

But because frankly it’s easier to chat about it to your kid when they are younger – you can tell them people can plan a family, and that we’re able to decide when and if we choose to create new humans – so that by the time your kid is a super awkward teen who might need this info, :) they already have the basics of it.

And not only that.

You’ve also created a culture in your family, over time, where it’s ok and normal to talk openly about these things.

We’ve a lot more to say on this super important topic.

Stuff about: not everyone can make new humans.

Stuff about: the myths that your kids might hear.

Stuff about: STIs, and fertility issues, and other things too.

So, yes – especially if it’s not on the curriculum where you live, you have a great opportunity to chat about that stuff at home.

For more,  listen to this week's episode.

This week, a parent asks,

‘Does consent always have to be verbalised?’

What a great question this is.

Because words do indeed make things so much simpler!

Words are so much simpler than having to interpret body language, and whatever else.

Because all that stuff is HARD.

And you know what? It’s hard for adults, too.

Not just young people.

But here’s the thing.

When we think about consent, so often we get hung up on consent around intimacy and relationships.

But here’s the secret: consent is actually communication.

We’re constantly saying yes, no or maybe in our everyday life.

This is great news.

Because it means we can be practicing consent conversations all the time.

We can model consent for our kids.

And we can chat to them about what it feels like, to have our boundaries respected.

For example: there’s the ‘tickling game’.

If a kid says STOP TICKLING! and you stop straight away,

you can chat about that.

Or if your kid is bugging you to do something you don’t want to do,

you can chat about that, too.

And remember that we said, above, ^ that this stuff is hard for adults too? 

Well, you can even talk to your kid about that.

In fact it’s GOOD to talk about how hard it can be.

If you tell your kids ONLY that ‘no means no’ and things like that,

you’re leaving out quite an important bit -

which is how nuanced this stuff can be.

And that it can be hard to say things. And hard to listen.

And that it takes practice.

And that it’s hard for grown-ups, too.

But knowing consent is hard is ok!

We can learn how to do it.

Say it.

Feel it.

We have so much more to share with you on this brilliant topic.

And tools for you to use.

X Sarah 

 

 

This week’s question might strike fear into your heart J

‘What’s the best way to deal with oral sex questions?’ :0

I remember a very unexpected conversation with one of my own kids on this very subject. 

It was bedtime.

I was reading the bedtime story. 

As you can imagine, I wasn’t prepared. 

There was even a moment during the convo where I realised, ‘I don’t want to answer any more questions!’

(You can watch me tell that story in the video here or have a listen on the podcast here.)

But here the thing I learned from that experience.

We don’t need to tell our kid EVERYTHING. 

It’s ok to operate from within our own level of comfort. 

It’s even ok to say, ‘That’s a really good question! I’m going to think about it and get back to you, because I want to make sure I get it right.’

What’s interesting about this topic, 

is that it’s not only about

“How do I talk about the actual nitty gritty of ‘what happens’.”

It’s also about consent. 

It’s ALSO about the fact that we are all different and like different things. 

And you can reassure your kid that they NEVER have to do anything like this if they don’t want to do

This week, we’ve broken this topic into small, manageable chunks. 

We have a few scripts for you, and some great things to think about.

Don’t forget, as your kid grows up they’ll learn what their body likes, 

and by the way, not wanting to do ANY sexual thing at all is ok too. 

This week’s question might make you think about your own experience as a kid.

A parent asks:

‘When your child is immature in nature, how do you know how much to tell them?’

So often, I hear parents tell me about their own experience first learning about sex, bodies, babies and all the things.

It goes something like:

“Sex was never talked about, and then one day, out of the blue, I got The Talk”  😮

Parents will often say to me, “I don’t want my kids to have that experience”.

They remember so vividly, the feelings they felt.

Scary!

Uncomfortable.

Embarrassing.

Yikes.

Here’s the thing.

I don’t compare those feelings with getting info about sex, bodies, babies and all the things.

I link them with a whole lifetime - until age 11 or 12 - of hearing NOTHING, and then suddenly an adult presses PLAY and you get all this information out of the blue.

The key to giving your kid a good experience is not about ‘the amount’ of info you give them.

It’s about how you give it.

The key is to have tiny, gentle, ongoing conversations, over time.

These convos come with compassion and kindness.

Did you know we can talk about sex, bodies, babies and all the things with children from ages 2 or 3 or 4?

And if your kids are older, you can start from whatever age they are right now.

So that it’s NOT a big pile of scary information, out of the blue.

It’s just a series of gentle, friendly, compassionate, ongoing chats,

about being human.

You can do it.

And we can help you.

Sarah x

This week, a parent asks:

‘How do we stop our young people accessing so much p0rn?’

This question is really pertinent at the moment. If you are like me, you are at home, with your kids and letting them use devices to pass the time.

So I like how this question qualifies itself.

‘SO MUCH p0rn’.

This question kind of understands that the world is the way it is.

The internet is the internet.

Kids can find p0rn if they want. Or they might get shown it by someone else.

Or they might find it by accident.

So the first thing is to do all the usual things.

Make it harder to access.

Use parental controls! Monitor computer use.

Things like that.

But.

The most important bit here is the same ‘most important bit’ it so often is.

Having conversations with your kid.

We need to be having the kinds of conversations that will keep our kid coming back to us, and coming back, and coming back, when things get strange or difficult.

These kinds of chats are ones that keep the connection with your child.

Chats that don’t lecture.

Chats that are matter-of-fact, and open.

So that you’re a ‘resource’ your kid trusts.

Because when kids know they’ll get yelled at, or given out to, for doing X thing, they’re less likely to come to us.

So we need to stay open.

How?!?!

We have some scripts for you.

And some strategies.

And by the way – I know this is hard!

This stuff is super challenging.

Keeping your cool when your kid tells you they’ve seen p0rn?

Or discovering it on their phone?

That’s really hard.

You can learn to manage your emotions, and stay calm and open with your kid.

That’s a parenting superpower. 

x Sarah

A mum asks,

‘How do you deal with awkward daddies?

Ours panics at the word vagina when our girls say it.’

This is such a super question,

because it allows us to chat about gender,

and the expectations around what certain genders get to say and do.

In this week’s episode, I talk about how to make space for male parents to grow into talking to their kids about puberty, bodies, and sex.

This episode is a gentle reminder about this past question on Sitting in a Car and how my answer can support even more connection between you and your growing kid. Because sometimes it’s helpful to be reminded of the things you wanted to talk about in your family but you’ve forgotten about in the swirl of family life x

This week a parent asks,

‘Would you recommend tampons or towels, when a young person first starts their period?’

In one way, this is really quite like any other buying decision we have to make.

We might think about budget. Or impact on the environment.

Or about: what, for us, is the most comfortable thing to do?

In another way, though, this question is about our child’s abilities.

How comfortable is your kid with their body? Because tampons take some practice.

Will your child remember to change a tampon? Because if you leave one in for too long, they can get sick.

So it really depends on the abilities of the child you are supporting on their menstrual journey.

And everybody is different.

So everyone’s ‘best’ thing to do, will be different.

Whatever you decide, make sure you use this convo as the wonderful opportunity that it is.

You can create a dialogue.

Cos every time we get a bit lecturey,☝🏼instead of having a proper chat, it’s a lost opportunity to really give our child a feeling of:

‘We’re in this together.’

‘I’m supporting you to learn more about yourself,

as you become an adult.’ ❤️

If you can create this feeling,

it’s really going to stand to you as your child gets older.

It’s the thing that will keep your kid coming back to you, when they have questions or concerns.

And those questions and concerns are gonna get more and more complex.

So, yay, chats about periods.

For more on this great topic, listen to this week's episode. 

And here we are, 

All in our homes.

With our kids.

Trying to work out this new weird normal.

This week I’m talking about the moment I realised I couldn’t do it all anymore now that the kids were home … All. The. Time. 

And by ‘it’ I mean, the work that I’d committed to do for others.

Accepting our limits can be one of the kindest, most compassionate things we can do for ourselves.

That includes the limits you feel having sensitive conversations with your kid.

This week, listen as I tell the story of how I gave up doing an impossible thing and experienced the kindness of the people around me.

And I talk about having the MOST difficult conversations with our older children.

In that same vein, this week’s episode of Sitting In A Car is audio only as I get to grips with all the other family stuff that is taking up so much of my time .

I hope to be back to usual next week.

Until then, would you like to join me in being realistic about what you can accomplish this week?

Listen here or here.

Xx Sarah

Ps. There’s nothing to write as a post script today … because I realise I don’t have the brain space to think of anything to write here. Everything is fine. I just need to prioritise my time differently at the moment.

It’s been a hard week.

If you are like me, you are home with children, doing your best to help them pass the days. It’s gonna be a long old trek before we see the end of this.

And here’s the thing.

I don’t know anything about Corona virus.

Except we all need to wash our hands and avoid other people.

But I can help you to talk to your kids about sensitive stuff.

So here’s the third in a row of questions about how we make new humans!

(For the other two, go here and here.)

Today’s question is: 

‘When my 7-year-old asks, How did you make me?, 

what do I say?’

For me, these questions are so fun and beautiful. 

They’re full of the gorgeous curiosity of childhood. 

Your kid is like a scientist. 

They’re looking at the world around them and they want to know how it all works. 

And that is just lovely. 

So you can answer it in that spirit.

But the first thing for YOU to figure out is this. 

What are you comfy talking to your kid about?

And, in fact, how *did* you make them?

Did you have sex?

Did you do IVF? 

Did you adopt? or use a donor? or something else? 

And: if you had sex to make your kid, are you still with your partner? 

Maybe you aren’t. 

Maybe you never really were.

Or maybe you are, and you live with them, and they’re in the next room.

A kid who is 7 is absolutely able to understand the basics. 

That everyone in the world was made with a sperm, an egg, and a uterus. 

And that we’re all made in different ways (and how cool is that). 

So it’s about you figuring out what YOUR story is, and how much you’re comfortable sharing. 

And - by the way - you’re allowed to keep some stuff private, for yourself. 

(I have a funny story about how *I* learned that, in today’s video.)

So this question from your 7-year-old is a really cool, joyful thing.

You can say to your kid, how happy you are that they asked you!

And that they’ve got a scientist’s brain. 

And that, actually, a lot of grown-ups feel awkward talking about this stuff because they weren’t taught how to talk about it. 

But you’re so glad they asked. 

(Because we know how important it is to talk about these things.

For THEM to receive the info they need, and for YOU to learn how to chat about it. 

Even if it feels a bit awkward.)

So - these are wonderful convos to have! :)

And we’re happy to give you some tools to help you feel more confident and comfortable having them. 

watch this episode here or listen to the podcast version which is now up on Itunes and Spotify.

x Sarah

Ps. You might be under so much pressure right now that you aren’t capable of thinking about this part of your parenting.

That’s ok.

You are doing the best parenting you can manage right now.

Keep Safe

 

Follow Sarah on Instagram

Check out Sarah's website 

We’ve another wonderful question this week.

‘When a younger child - say, age 5-8 - asks, “What is sex?”

what should I say?’

You might remember that we chatted just the other week about how to tell tiny kids - ages 0-4 - where babies come from. 

And about how it’s not only ok to chat with tiny kids about this stuff - it’s good!

(If you missed that, you can check it out here.)

With a slightly bigger kid, we can chat about the same stuff - and add some new bits in, too. 

We can chat about how some adults don’t feel comfortable talking about how babies are made.

Because maybe they were taught that it’s not ok to talk about it. 

We can chat about how not every family knows it’s important to tell kids about all the cool things our bodies can do!  

But WE know that it’s good to give kids information about ALL the cool things, so that our kids can keep themselves happy and safe.

We can chat about how sex feels good, and makes us feel close to people.

That it’s fun! and not just for making new humans.

We can even talk about the ways that grown-ups have sex without making new humans. 

Because babies are a lot of work.

We can chat about how not everyone wants to have sex. And that it’s a choice. 

And that it’s a responsibility, too. 

That it’s a grown-up thing, 

where you need to take care of the person you’re doing it with, and also take care of yourself. 

Really, above all, the main thing we want to be sharing with our kids is that sex is a normal, nice part of being human.

Because that’s the truth! 

And if you’re one of those parents who sometimes feels a bit awkward talking about this stuff, that’s ok.

I’m here to help you with that. 

For ideas about how to have these chats in a way that will help both you and your kid feel empowered and happy, listen to this week's podcast.

Sarah x

This week’s question is quite adorable. :)

‘Can you over-inform young children - ages 0-4 - about intercourse?

How do you tell them where babies come from, when they ask?’

It can be quite lovely to chat with your child when perhaps a friend or loved one is pregnant and your child has questions.

But is it ok to answer those questions?

Short answer: Yes!

The World Health Organisation (WHO) says !YES! kids ages 0-4 are at a prime age to understand things about how we make new humans.

And YES, it’s ok and really quite helpful to chat about it. We have hacks in this week’s video that will delight and inspire you and help you chat with your kid about this sensitive and wonderful topic in a way that is clear, comfortable and empowering.

But - before we get to that. Let’s chat a bit about comfort levels. Both your kids’ - and yours.

Firstly: it’s great to know that it’s not really possible to ‘over-inform’ our kids (Whew!)

They have inbuilt mechanisms, to protect them.

One of those mechanisms is boredom!

If your kid is zoning out, that’s how we know they have enough info for now.

But if your kid is 100% with you, and asking more questions, then you can explore together some more. 

Lastly, let’s talk about you.

The parent.

It’s worth mentioning that while it’s not possible to ‘go too far’ for our kids at this age, it is definitely possible to go too far for ourselves.

We need to be aware of our own feelings of comfort and honour those feelings.

And we need to learn to tell the difference between:

 

1.forcing ourselves to do something we don’t want to do (unkind and hurtful),

and

2.doing something outside our comfort zone, in a spirit of wanting to learn and grow (motivating and growing).

For more about this rich and lovely topic, including helpful hacks around the exact things you can say, listen to this week's podcast.

Are you a parent who wants their child and young person to respect themselves and resist pressure from others?

If your answer is yes then this week’s episode of sitting in a car is for you. We are talking all about building self-respect in our children and helping them resist pressure.

In my world, an ability to have self-respect is part of learning how to ‘do’ consent.

So your children’s ability to respect themselves is an excellent priority to have as a parent.

It is at the foundation of their ability to say ‘yes’, ‘no’ or ‘maybe’ when someone asks them to do something new –  like stealing chewing gum from the corner shop :0  (just a random example that came to mind!)

In this weeks episode, I’m suggesting there is an even more important task around self respect. And it’s not focused on our child.

It’s focused on ourselves.

It’s about our own levels of self-respect when we think we should have conversations about sensitive stuff with our child.

So if you know that your child needs YOU to step up and learn more about self-respect and getting more comfortable talking about sensitive topics, listen to this episode. 

And I’ve added in a confession about the sitting in a car podcast. I’ve realised something that the podcast doesn’t do well. At all.

Sarah x

 

Ps. I mention a free workshop series I’m running this week. Join me to become more comfortable talking about sensitive stuff and self-esteem. Here’s the link: https://sarahsproule.lpages.co/become-a-comfortable-parent-2020-feb/

 

Let’s chat today about your secret fears.

I’m talking about fears that are so secret, you don’t even know you have them.

Sometimes, you might skip having sensitive conversations with your kid, for loads of good reasons.

‘The timing wasn’t right!’

’I wasn’t sure what to say.’

Things like that.

But the real reason might be something else.

We all have thoughts in our head that we mightn’t even know are there.

And these thoughts hold us back.

And if we don’t know something is wrong, we can’t fix it.

When it comes to having chats with your kid about sexuality, relationships and consent, there are loads of secret, scary thoughts that many parents have that come up a lot.

I’ve come up with 9 of them.

(Yes, I actually made a list!)

These secret scary thoughts stop you from taking small steps forward.

And there are lots of tiny changes, tiny steps you can take that open up convos with your kid(s).

These convos can help your kid(s) to be more confident, caring and respectful.

You kid can learn to keep themselves safe in a world that puts huge amounts of pressure on them.

Your kids need us to help empower them.

And you are well able to do this.

Once you examine those scary secret thoughts of yours,

you start setting yourself free.

And I’m here to help you with that.

I have a FREE course coming up.

It’s going to give you the time and room to look at your thoughts.

You can have a think about what might be holding you back -

and then do something about it.

So that you can feel confident about taking those tiny steps and having those sensitive chats with your kids.

Does this sound good?!

Great!

Sarah x

This week’s question is a big one.

‘We were in the car. A news report came on the radio about rape. ‘My 7-year-old asked, “What is rape?”’

When a sensitive subject like this comes up, you might feel your throat close up, and your stomach clench.

And you might really not want to go there.

Believe me, I get it.

But.

This is where the groundwork you’ve been doing, the chats you’ve already been having, the tiny, tiny steps you’ve already been taking, are all going to help your kid and help you.

Remember, we’re talking about a 7-year-old - so keeping it simple is exactly right.

Maybe you will have chatted about the names of body parts.

Maybe you will have chatted about how everyone’s body is their own.

Maybe you’ve even had happy convos about how bodies feel nice when we eat lovely food, or run and play, or cuddle with our families.

So then you can talk about how we get to choose to do things that feel good with our bodies.

And how we get to choose to NOT do things with our body too.

And how some people don’t know that that’s a rule.

We have some truly amazing hacks for you around this very sensitive topic.

We’ve broken it down into small manageable parts.

This will empower both your kid and you.

And by the way, it’s ok to chat with your kid about things like this!

It’s not only ok - it’s good. 

We know that kids who are informed are better able to keep themselves safe

in this a-little-bit-broken world of ours.

And we’re here to help you, help them.

Sarah x

This week’s question:

‘My 13-year-old boy got a snapchat message from a girl who says she loves him. 

He’s replied and said he loves her too.

We’d agreed he’d concentrate on pals and sport for now so I’m a bit annoyed about his declaration of love. 

What do I do?’

So, there are two categories of life experience in the world :)

There’s the illegal stuff, the consent-breaking stuff. 

And then there’s EVERYTHING else. 

A young teenage boy expressing and exploring romantic feelings is definitely in the second category!

It’s very normal.

So, your challenge as a parent is to stay relevant and connected your kid,

even as they grow and change and their needs for your guidance changes.

The easiest way to stay connected is to be kindly curious about their life.

It’s definitely ok to have concerns.

But the best way to handle your concern about something in your kid’s life is to listen to where your kid is at.

Listening comes first.

Then you can help your teen develop the communication skills they’ll need to have healthy relationships as they grow up.

Being a teenager is hard! 

Often times the life of a teen is way more complicated than it looks to us from the outside.

So your best shot is to meet your kid(s) where they are at. 

Figure out what they need and want.

And then help them communicate that in their own way.

When we approach it like that, it’s all very exciting, really. 

And feeling excited as a parent is a great feeling to have.

Sarah x

This week, let’s talk about what happens when you have open chats at home about relationships, sexuality and consent - but other friends, family and loved ones maybe don’t.

To show you how I really messed this up, I’m going to share with you one of the great stories from our family. I call it The Great Condom Story :)

But first, let’s chat about how different families have different values.

It’s so interesting.

WE know how important it is to give our kids the information they need, to make good, empowered decisions about relationships as they get older.

But we also know that not every family feels that giving this info to kids is important.

So, how do we balance doing what’s right for our families with respecting the journeys other families and loved ones are on?

We give you some tips in this weeks episode of Sitting In A Car.

And I also tell you The Great Condom Story :)

Sarah x

‘If your 8-year-old child is not asking questions,

should you initiate the conversation?

How do you know what they’re ready to learn?’

This is such a great question,

because it gets to the heart of what we think about s=e=x=.

And the answer to this question applies to children of every age.

In our video and podcast this week, there are loads of great ways to get this convo started, even if you’re both new at it.

Ps. This is a gentle reminder of how to support even more connection between you and your growing kid. Because sometimes it’s helpful to be reminded of the things you wanted to talk about in your family but you’ve forgotten about it in the swirl of family life x

This week I’m talking about being kind. . .

But first, let’s talk about how much pressure there is on us parents, to chat with our kids about sex.

You might find these convos easy.

Or this might be a place of huge stress and pain for you.

I get it.

We know that when kids have parents who understand  that sex is a normal part of life, those kids have an easier time of growing up and making good decisions. Because they’re not ruled by shame or fear.

The problem is, so many of us were taught that sex is scary or dangerous.

So what do we do?

When we look at the enormous job of talking about sensitive stuff with our kid our brain says, Danger! Danger!

Could it be possible to be kind to ourselves in these moments?

Maybe being kind to yourself looks like accepting that you find these convos hard, for now, because you haven’t yet learned how to have them.

And then the next step is what you’re doing right now.

You’re sitting in a car with me.

You’re acknowledging that you can’t do hard things alone.

And you’re caring for yourself and seeking out the help you need.

I have a beautiful story for you this week.

It’s about what kindness to yourself might look like.

Sarah x

This week, let’s talk about not being able to talk.

See if you recognise this.
You’re with your kid. Something comes on the car radio, or the telly.
A horrible news story, about rape, or abuse, or something like that.

You feel it in your body. I need to say something.
But you can’t.
And you don’t. And the moment passes.

Been there? We all have.

It can be so painful, to feel so keenly that the moment is now, for you to speak,
and to not be able to find the words.

But here’s the thing.

The point is to talk, even a little bit -
even if all you talk about, is not being able to talk.

It’s not only ok to do this with your kids - it’s actually quite good.
It models for them that it’s ok to be vulnerable.
And it tells them that there’s no unsafe place to go, when it comes to chatting with you.

We have scripts for you, to make these convos about convos, easier.
And before you know it, it’ll be easier for you too.

This week, a parent asks:
‘What if I say too much?
My 4yo asks questions about sex and I try to answer them, but I’m afraid I’ll freak him out.
Help!’

Do you have this fear?
That in doing your best to give your child all the info they need,
you’ll somehow go too far?

Many of us have felt this - and there’s a reason why.
We might have been told too little, or the wrong thing, when we were kids ourselves.
And maybe that made it feel a bit scary,
or even bad, or dangerous.

But you know what?

Human sexuality is not bad, or wrong, or dangerous.
Sex is neither good nor bad!
It’s just a normal part of life.

The other thing about this,
is that you already know how to give your kids information
in tiny pieces they can handle.

As parents, we play to our audience all the time.
We watch how our kids respond, and we go from there.
So the stuff you’re already doing every day as a parent,
will work for you here, too.

We have a few hacks - and a funny story from my own childhood for you this week :)
to help you feel comfortable,
and to help you know your kid will feel comfortable, too.

Sara