Part 1 can be found on The A to Z of Sex.

 

Welcome to Sex Spoken Here. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones.

 

Intimacy is defined as a close familiarity, deeply knowing another person.  Emotional intimacy is built by getting to know someone deeply – sharing confidences.  Physical intimacy includes many forms of sexual contact.

 

Joining me today is Georgia Rose, found of G’s Spot – her digital platrom that is devoted to female sexual pleasure and sensuality.  She says she has ‘launched this digital platform because it has profoundly affected me that beneath the projection of a progressive, educated and liberated society there lies the murky reality that female sexuality is still largely misunderstood, mystified and miscommunicated and I want to do something to change that.’  She has carried out her own survey on female sexual pleasure and over 500 people have completed it.  She is using her data and her platform to open up conversations about female sexuality that place the female body and experience at the core.

 

www.gs/spot.co.uk

@georgias_spot

 

Thanks for joining me for the Sex Spoken Here this week. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute discovery session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/ and head to my contact page to click on my calendar and schedule directly.  Look out for my new radio show in January. If you enjoy the show, please leave me a review on iTunes and Stitcher.

Please enjoy again:

 

Sex Spoken Here: Sex Love Stories:  R

 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. 

Today we will be talking about bisexuality and BDSM.

Joining me is Rudo Mashongomende.  She is 33 years old, bisexual and she works in fashion. She has always been drawn to the world of BDSM but always felt, or was made to feel that it was a sordid world, so clearly she was perverted. She realises now that even as a teen she didn’t mind that, but finding like minded people, just to discuss it was the problem. She found Scarlet Ladies this year, and she was proudly part of their #italksex campaign. Turning 30 was very positive for her because she finally felt like she was in her prime, so she is allowing herself to do things she’s always been curious about. She went to her first Torture Garden last month, and she will now go to fetish events regularly, say once a every month or two. She has two subs whom she has just acquired, so she’s enjoying building dynamics with each of them. Being dominant feels so wonderfully natural, and is an effective outlet for the stresses of everyday life!

 

I asked Rudo to tell me about her background and culture.   Rudo is Black British and is proud of this identification.   She was raised Catholic and by choice attended church until she was 18.

 

I asked about her first sexual awareness and she told me that she first found she had an interest in some of the catalogue models in the men’s underwear section when she was about 11.  She spoke of noticing ‘the bulges’ and having a physical response and even cutting out one picture to keep.  She spoke about losing her virginity at 17 to a boyfriend and that this was a really positive experience.  We spoke about how lucky she was to have a positive first sexual experience and she says that she still remembers it well. 

 

Rudo talked about being heterosexual through university.   She told me she went to school in Brighton and that she went to a few gay bars and was aware of an attraction to women but didn’t want to act on it or even fully acknowledge this.  She spoke about moving back to London and living with a partner for 5 years and during that relationship telling him that she realised she was attracted to women and wanted to have a threesome to explore this attraction.   In the end, this didn’t happen and it wasn’t until after the relationship ended that she began to explore.

 

Rudo talked about finding a group through Meetup and making friends with bisexual women and that meeting people to experiment with flowed from here. 

 

From there, we spoke about her interest in BDSM.  She spoke about enjoying power exchange and enjoying being dominant.  She spoke about finding partners through the Whiplr app and we talked a bit about the use of apps to find partners.

 

Finally we talked about Scarlet Ladies and the #italksex campaign and 23 Paul Street.  Rudo spoke of her belief in gender equality especially when it comes to sex and desire.  She spoke of the importance of speaking out in public so that change happens.  We spoke about the joys of Scarlet Ladies and the wonders of 23 Paul Street.

 

You can find Rudo at:

https://www.scarletladiestalk.com/italksex-because-they-cant-we-can-and-we-should/

https://twitter.com/stylist_face

https://instagram.com/stylist_face

 

23 Paul Street is the Gentleman’s Club we discussed.

You can find out more about Scarlet Ladies

Sex Spoken Here Pam Costa

 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this Vlog deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

 

Today I am on location, in NJ, in my childhood bedroom, and we are talking about what happens when you discover that you and your partner have mismatched levels of desire.  It is often not easy to spot this at the beginning of a relationship because of the excitement and energy that new relationships bring.  Once you are in a long term relationship, the mismatch becomes apparent and that is when the difficulties begin.  

 

 

Joining me to discuss this topic is Pam Costa founder of Down to There.

After a decade-and-a-half at Apple and Facebook, Pam left her career in high tech to found Down To There to share her real-life stories of challenges and successes around sexuality in her marriage. Through her writing, speaking and coaching, she hopes to inspire individuals and couples to find ways to renew and deepen desire and intimacy in their own relationships.

 

Pam is also passionate about raising awareness within the medical and mental health communities about the positive impact of peer support on female sexual health, recently presenting her research on this topic at the 2018 International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health conference and TEDx Palo Alto.

 

We talked about how important your history can be, the messages you received in childhood about sex, to determining your current adult view about sex. We talked about how many people have issues with sexual desire and that often there is nothing physically wrong.  Pam talked of being someone who often couldn’t tell if she wanted to have sex until she was already involved.  There are many people whose libido is response driven.  It means that more conversations have to occur.  We talked about being disconnected from your body and she said she asks her clients if they feel like ‘floating heads’. 

 

We spoke about the importance of good judgmenet free sex education for all and the importance of peer support as well as coaching and therapy.    We talked of using multiple mediums to learn and for support. We spoke about how men’s genitals are obvious and so there is an additional cue to having sexual desire and feelings and women having the clitoris hidden can find it more difficult to connect to their bodies.  We spoke about masturbation and learning about desire.

 

To find Pam, head to downtothere.com. 

Check out these links as well:

Blog: Why I started a blog about sex

Circles: Free content for women to talk to their friends about sex

TEDx Talk: Reclaiming Female Sexual Desire

 

Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter and instagram @drbisbey.  For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com and head to the contact page and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week

 

Sex Spoken Here Pam Costa

 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this Vlog deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

 

Today I am on location, in NJ, in my childhood bedroom, and we are talking about what happens when you discover that you and your partner have mismatched levels of desire.  It is often not easy to spot this at the beginning of a relationship because of the excitement and energy that new relationships bring.  Once you are in a long term relationship, the mismatch becomes apparent and that is when the difficulties begin.  

 

 

Joining me to discuss this topic is Pam Costa founder of Down to There.

After a decade-and-a-half at Apple and Facebook, Pam left her career in high tech to found Down To There to share her real-life stories of challenges and successes around sexuality in her marriage. Through her writing, speaking and coaching, she hopes to inspire individuals and couples to find ways to renew and deepen desire and intimacy in their own relationships.

 

Pam is also passionate about raising awareness within the medical and mental health communities about the positive impact of peer support on female sexual health, recently presenting her research on this topic at the 2018 International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health conference and TEDx Palo Alto.

 

We talked about how important your history can be, the messages you received in childhood about sex, to determining your current adult view about sex. We talked about how many people have issues with sexual desire and that often there is nothing physically wrong.  Pam talked of being someone who often couldn’t tell if she wanted to have sex until she was already involved.  There are many people whose libido is response driven.  It means that more conversations have to occur.  We talked about being disconnected from your body and she said she asks her clients if they feel like ‘floating heads’. 

 

We spoke about the importance of good judgmenet free sex education for all and the importance of peer support as well as coaching and therapy.    We talked of using multiple mediums to learn and for support. We spoke about how men’s genitals are obvious and so there is an additional cue to having sexual desire and feelings and women having the clitoris hidden can find it more difficult to connect to their bodies.  We spoke about masturbation and learning about desire.

 

To find Pam, head to downtothere.com. 

Check out these links as well:

Blog: Why I started a blog about sex

Circles: Free content for women to talk to their friends about sex

TEDx Talk: Reclaiming Female Sexual Desire

 

Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter and instagram @drbisbey.

For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com and head to the contact page and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week

Sex Spoken Here Is Polyamory for You

 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this Vlog deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

polyamory and non-monogamy have become incredibly trendy in the last few years.  One of the main reasons people give for non-monogamy is how hard it is for one person to meet all of your needs.  

 

People who are monogamous and have strong friendship networks as well know this as well.  They look to their friendship networks and their families to meet needs that their partners do not meet.  However, the myth that your partner should be your everything still persists.  Many people end up in relationship therapy or ending their relationships because their partner does not meet all their needs. 

 

The idea that I am responsible for my own needs is one that is only just really gaining popularity.  It is hard to take responsibility for your own needs.  It requires the ability to first to distinguish between needs and wants.   Then it requires the ability to acknowledge your needs and accept them.   Finally it requires the person to take responsibility for getting their needs met – with the understanding that prioritising can become very difficult when trying to balance needs.

 

 In non-monogamous relationships, multiple partners, friends and families meet needs.  Having more people who are committed to you available to help meet your needs is a big bonus.  And it adds lots of complication as there are more people whose needs must be met and balanced, juggled and prioritised.

 

How do you know if polyamory is for you?

 

Do you love emotionally intimate relationships?  Do you find yourself falling in love with more than one person at a time? 

If so, then polyamory might well be a good fit for you. 

 

Have you had difficulty remaining faithful in monogamous relationships?

This can be an indication that non-monogamy would be a better choice for you.  However, this depends on why you had difficulty remaining faithful.   Affairs are possible in polyamorous relationships.  Whenever someone is dishonest and secretive about other relationships it is a problem.  If you break the rules of your non-monogamous relationship, that is an affair.  If your difficulty in remaining faithful is because you fall in love often or feel you have more love to share, then non-monogamy may well work.  If it is because you find it hard to commit or you tend to be impulsive or you find honest communication difficult, then it is not going to work any better than non-monogamy and in fact may even be worse for you.

 

Do you like to share your life with more than one person? 

If so, non-monogamy may well be ideal.

 

Are you an expert communicator (or willing to learn), happy to negotiate to get your needs met?

Good communication is essential to all relationships.  Great communication is vital to polyamorous relationships.  All non-monogamy takes far more communication than monogamous relationships.  This probably seems obvious  - more people = more communication.    Metacommunication is necessary as well.  As I have said previously, metacommunication is when we talk about how we communicate and what we communicate, how often we communicate.  It creates the structure around the rest of our communication, the rules for communication. 

 

Are you possessive?

If so, polyamory may be problematic for you.  Possessiveness makes polyamory very hard.  Some people still manage to be polyamorous and possessive.  These people tend to form closed group relationships or engage in authority transfer based relationships where they are the owners and the others they are in relationship with are the property.  If you don’t gravitate towards that type of...

Sex Spoken Here Vlog Rewards and Punishments

 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this Vlog deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

 

Today I am talking about rewards and punishments.  This may seem an unusual topic for sex and relationships.  However, I was talking about authority transfer based relationships recently with a friend about rewards and punishments and when I thought more about it, the topic applies to other relationships as well.

 

Rewards are the things that feel good to us.  Punishments are the things that don’t feel good to us.  If you want to shape behaviour, using both can work extremely well.  One thing I have noticed working with people over the years is that often others make assumptions about what their partner or child will find rewarding or punishing.  If you get this wrong, you will not get the effect you are looking for.

 

Often parents send children to their room as a punishment.  However, usually, in a child’s room is all their favourite things – laptop, tablet, phone, toys, stuffed toys, etc.  So being sent to their room is actually a reward as they are being given time to go play on their own.

 

I advise couples to discuss what they find rewarding and punishing.  For example, one partner might find time and undivided attention to be the best way of showing them how much they are loved.  Another might want lots of presents.      I also advise couples to look at their expectations at the same time.  Making agreements about expectations, rewards and punishments can strengthen a relationship.

 

In authority transfer based relationships, spelling out rewards and punishments is common.  Again it is important to make sure that a punishment is truly a punishment and a reward truly a reward.   It is useful too look at what type of system works best for your person.  Some people modify behaviour best as a result of being rewarded when they do well.  Others work best when they are punished for doing wrong. 

 

It is important to remember that we can only truly control ourselves so truly to modify someone else’s behaviour does not have guaranteed results.  It is also essential to have consent from the person whose behaviour you are seeking to modify.

 

If you are interested in the history of behaviour modification, have a look at Pavlov’s work and BF Skinner’s work.

Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter and instagram @drbisbey.

For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com and head to the contact page and click the button that says Schedule Now!

I look forward to seeing you next week.

Sex Spoken Here Vlog Intro

 

Hi everyone.  This week begins the first Sex Spoken Here Vlog.

From now on, a video will be published on YouTube here, the audio will remain available as a podcast through Apple podcast, Stitcher, Libsyn etc and published on my website.    Podcast notes will be on my website and Libsyn etc. 

 

I will be on my own some, joined by some amazing guests and sometimes out and about.

Please subscribe to my YouTube channel to keep up to date!

 

Thanks for listening to Sex Spoken Here and I look forward to presenting things for you to watch and seeing you soon.

Please enjoy again: Care and Feeding of the Penis Part 2

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

 

Today I finish my series about the care and feeding of the penis.  Joining me today is Dr Pat Williams. Dr. Pat has been a psychologist and Life coach for over three decades and focuses on people living on purpose, mentally, emotionally, and physically and spiritually.

 

Patrick Williams, Ed.D., MCC, is founder of The Institute for Life Coach Training, the first-of-its-kind training institute that specializes in training psychotherapists, psychologists, counsellors and helping professionals in building a successful coaching practice. He was licensed as a psychologist in 1980 and began executive coaching in 1990 with Hewlett Packard, IBM and Kodak. He was an International Coach Federation founding member and one of the first Master Certified Coaches.

Dr Pat is a past ICF board member and past president of ACTO, (Association of Coach Training Organizations) and honorary VP of the International Society for Coaching Psychology Pat’s graduate education is in Humanistic and Transpersonal Psychology. 

 He co-authored Therapist as Life Coach: Transforming Your Practice and Total Life Coaching: 50+ Life Lessons, Skills, and Techniques to Enhance your Practice and Your life. 

His best-selling book (with Diane Menendez), is Becoming a Professional Life Coach: Lessons from the Institute for Life Coach Training.    Pat also co-edited Law and Ethics of Coaching used at many academic institutions and training schools.

His newest book,
 Getting Naked: On Emotional Transparency at the Right Time, the Right Place and with the Right Person is available on Amazon and audiobooks.

 

We spent most of our time talking about how important it is to be authentic with a partner and to show up authentically.  Dr Pat spoke about the importance of being able to be naked emotionally with a partner before, during and after sex and we talked about how hard it is for men to be emotionally naked. 

 

Dr Pat suggested that the millennials find sharing emotions easier and I agreed but said that we have not yet made as much progress as I had hoped.  Dr Pat suggested that there should be a broadway show ‘The Penis Monologues’ to compliment the Vagina Monologues and I agreed that this would be a brilliant idea.    We both agreed that men and women still find it hard to create that safe space where they can explore their emotions, work through difficult issues and bring their full selves – warts and all.

 

Dr Pat spoke about how many couples would have longer lasting relationships if they learned to express their full selves and how to work with the ups and downs in relationships.  We spoke about how men are not often taught how to deal with the different issues that arise at different stages of life.  I briefly mentioned the changes men go through physically and emotionally as they get older.  We then talked about how important touch is for all human beings.  Dr Pat highlighted that people are meant to be in relationship to each other.  I agreed and pointed out that people need to learn themselves first and he highlighted that people also learn themselves in relationships.

 

You can find Dr Pat at:

Website:

http://drpatwilliams.com

Free gift for listeners: www.drpatwilliams.com/winner

Facebook: http://facebook.com/doccoach

Linked In: https://www.linkedin.com/in/drpatwilliams/

Twitter: @drpatcoach

He is also an expert on Yourtango.com and has a channel on the BonBonNetwork.

Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken...

Please enjoy again:

 

Sex Spoken Here: Let’s Talk about Gender part 3

 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

 

Today I am continuing my series about gender.

 

Joining me today to continue the discussion is Dr Meg-John Barker.

They are a writer, therapist, and activist-academic specialising in sex, gender and relationships. Meg-John is a senior lecturer in psychology at the Open University and a UKCP accredited psychotherapist, and has over a decade of experience researching and publishing on these topics including the popular books Rewriting the Rules, The Secrets of Enduring Love and Queer: A Graphic History.

 

We started by talking about language and definitions.  Meg-John highlighted that non-binary is the overarching term used now for anyone who doesn’t identify as male or female.  We spoke about how many other terms there are that fall under non-binary including but not limited to: gender queer, gender fluid, demi (boy, girl), trans.  We spoke about how hard it is for people to understand the gender journey and how important it is for everyone to look at this journey as even folks who are happy with the gender assigned at birth go through gender changes throughout the life span.  Meg-John used the example of a woman going on the pill which is taking hormones and a woman who has had breast cancer and her breasts removed as a result having to look at how she expresses her female gender.  They also mentioned men who have larger boobs and choose to do breast reduction or men who take steroids to do body building.   Gender does not stay static through the life span.

 

We spoke about how hard people find ambivalence and uncertainty and how badly people want to categorise and box people, places and things.  We talked about how much pressure there can be for trans people to make the decision to transition and then do it quickly and that this is unhelpful.  We both feel this comes from the difficulty people have with uncertainty and ambivalence in part.

 

We talked about how gender is not just socially influenced but that it is biologically influenced as well and that sex is not just biological but can and is socially influenced. 

 

We spoke about Meg-John’s book coming out in the autumn which is about how to figure out issues around your gender.  We noted that having a gender identification outside of male or female seems to upset people more than issues around sexuality, kink and polyamory versus monogamy.

 

You can find Dr Meg-John Barker at:

Website: www.rewriting-the-rules.com. Twitter: @megjohnbarker.

All of their books are available on the website. 

Check out their podcast: Meg-John and Justin

Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook..  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week.

 

 

 

Please enjoy again:

Sex Spoken Here:  Choosing the Right Sex Toy

 

 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   This week I am talking about choosing the right sex toy.

 

Joining me today, is Katy, the public relations director and resident sexologist at Adam and Eve.

 

Katy is a native of Tennessee (Go Vols!) and a graduate of the University of Tennessee, Knoxville, with a B.S. in Journalism and Public Relations. After working for Maytag and in publishing in New York, she started working at Adam & Eve in November of 1993 as a catalog copywriter (remember catalogs?!). In 1997, Katy was promoted to Adam & Eve Director of Public Relations. She received her certification in Clinical Sexology in 2017 and holds an Associate in Sex Education from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. She is currently working towards her AASECT certification as a Sex Educator.

Personal: Divorced mother of two teen girls. Lives a block from ex and we still have weekly family dinners and even vacation together. Pescaterian (Mostly vegetarian but occasionally eats fish). Loves dogs, monkeys, travel and red wine.

 

We spoke about choosing a sex toy. We started by talking about the different types of toys available for women from clitoral stimulators to vibrators.  We talked about the toys available to men from masturbators to prostate stimulators and those for couples as well.  Cutting edge toys include Bluetooth controlled toys and prostate vibrators.  Katy said they have experienced an upsurge in sales for prostate stimulators and we both agreed that now there are a number of these toys marketed for heterosexual men.  We spoke about the increase in heterosexual men willing to consider prostate stimulation.

 

We spoke about how toys might develop and what virtual reality toys are coming.  All of the current ones are meant for one person to be having sex with a virtual character.  I asked about the possibility of ones where people could have sex with each other in the virtual sphere.  Katy raised the ethical issues that might come as a result of that including issues around cheating and underage use.  I suggested that raising ethical issues is a good idea as it gets people to think through their sexual and relationship choices.

 

We spoke about how sex toys have helped many women to reach orgasm who had not been able to without a toy and how they can help around menopause and after so that people can continue a healthy sexual life into their mature years. 

 

I asked for a recommendation of a first toy and Katy said for women she would recommend a bullet vibrator or a pocket rocket.  For men, a masturbator.  She recommended that people try some less expensive toys out to figure out what works best for them. 

 

Katy has graciously offered us a code ‘SPOKEN’ to use to get 50% off any one item at https://www.adamandeve.com.  So go and grab that must have toy now!

 

Check these links:

Https://www.adameve.com

Facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/adamandeve

 

Twitter

https://twitter.com/adamandeve

Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to

Sex Spoken Here: What is the Difference Between BDSM and Abuse

 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   This week I am talking about the difference between BDSM and Abuse.

 

The difference between BDSM and an abuse or an abusive relationship in a word: CONSENT.  Everything done in a BDSM relationship is done with the consent of all parties.    The consent must be clear and unambiguous and not be as the result of pressure.  The parties need to be able to give consent.    If these conditions are met, then there is nothing abusive about even the most extreme BDSM relationships.

 

Abuse can be the result of coercion.   It can also be straight forward.  The dividing line is consent. 

 

What does consent look like?  Consent comes as the result of a discussion that talks about hard limits (things you absolutely won’t do) and soft limits (things you don’t think you are interested in or you don’t think you will do but this may change) and things you would like to do.    Agreements are made about limits: activities that are on the ‘yes’ list, activities that are on the ‘maybe’ list, activities on the ‘hell no’ list.  Agreements are made about how we will communicate in the middle of rough sex or a BDSM scene or even an ordinary situation in the world that something is a problem, or ‘stop right now’, or ‘I am enjoying myself.’  For ‘Stop right now’ we often have safe words or gestures.  These are things that cannot be misinterpreted and that will tell the person who is the active partner/top/dominant that a hard limit is being approached or has been reached. 

 

Ethical dominants know that negotiating to push a limit in the middle of a scene is not appropriate as a person cannot give consent in the middle of a scene (because of the power imbalance, because of their mental state – high on the scene). 

 

Even in relationships in which there is a 24/7 authority transfer, there are discussions about limits and consent and importantly how to withdraw consent.  There is a lot of erotica out there that talks about ‘no limits’ relationships and ones in which withdrawal of consent is not allowed.  The premise is that once someone becomes a slave, they no longer have the authority to leave the relationship.    In real life, breakdown of the relationship and how to exit is something that is discussed as part of an extended negotiation when someone is considering a 24/7 authority transfer relationship.    Some people have a ritual involved (the slave has to beg for release) others do not.  In non-abusive relationships, the parameters of the relationship including limits and exiting the relationship are discussed before relationship properly begins and often a written document is made detailing rules, responsibilities and agreements as well as what happens in the event of a break up.

 

In some ethical 24/7 relationships, the slave or submissive is not allowed to say no to any particular activities however they are given space to say why they would wish to say no and their feelings and reasons are considered by their Master, Ma’am, Sir or Dominant.    If there is no space to express an opinion ever, it is likely the relationship is abusive.

 

There may be an acceptable format for expressing an opinion or a ritual for expressing an opinion.   As long as it is possible for the parties to raise their feelings, views and concerns, the relationship is likely to be non-abusive.  

 

Many people are misled by abusive people telling them that ‘true slaves’ or ‘true submissives’ don’t have limits.   These abusive people pressure their desired prey to give up all control before they know much about the person they are giving control up to.  Many groom online...

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

Today I am continuing my series on sex toys. So far in this series, I looked at vibrators and vibrating toys, dildos and butt plugs, and talked with Chrystal Bougon of Curvy Girl and Bliss.  If you haven’t had the opportunity to listen to the first three episodes in the series, I encourage you to do so. 

Today, I am talking about pervertables and other interesting toys.  A pervertable is an ordinary item that can be turned to sexual or perverted purposes.    Later in the show I will talk about electro-stimulation toys.  The first question I usually get about pervertables is why bother?  There are a few reasons:

The first is if you are not sure if you will enjoy certain types of sensation or activities, you probably don’t want to invest money in the toys or items.  For example, you want to try a toy that will produce a thud type sensation, and see if you enjoy that type of pain mixed pleasure.  You could go out and buy different paddles or you could go into the kitchen and get a wooden spoon or use the back of a heavy hair brush.

The second reason is that you don’t have lots of money to spend.  This is the most common reason someone decides to explore pervertables and creating their own toys.

The third is the associations we form with items that we will see every day can add some excitement and on-going turn on.  For example, if you have children or live with parents or roommates, you won’t keep that gorgeous flogger out and so you won’t get the thrill of seeing it regularly.    But, if your lover uses a belt instead, every time you see the belt, every time they wear the belt, you will get an intense thrill.  It can be like being hot-wired: You are doing something ordinary and you see the belt and suddenly you are soaked or rock hard or both.

Pervertables for sensory play and sensory deprivation play:

Sensory deprivation can increase the sensation for the senses that are still available.    It also adds the extra thrill of surprise.  The mildest form of sensory deprivation (and the most common) is blindfolding.  Blindfolds can be made from ties, towels, shirts, belts, strips of fabric.  One of the most arousing scenes I ever took part in, my lover tore off my t-shirt and cut it into strips, using one to blindfold me and the others to tie my hands to the bed posts.

Your underwear can be used as a gag.   

Sensory play involves using all our senses and different types of sensation to increase excitement.  Sometimes sight is removed (as many of us rely on sight as a primary sense).    Alternate textures can be used to stimulate and enflame.  There are tons of pervertables in the home that are ideal for this type of play.

You can use sandpaper, the edge of tweezers, a feather, a fan, the tines of a fork, leather gloves, silk gloves or fabric, a safety pin, a rubber band.  Using smells is also enlightening.  In this case, I recommend pleasant smells and smells that whet the appetite like vanilla, cinnamon, chocolate, musk, civet, labdanum, leather, tuberose, amber, or gardenia. 

Taste is also a lot of fun to play with.  I recommend using fresh fruit, chocolate, olives, lemon or lime, fresh ginger and for the truly adventurous various chilli peppers.  Ginger can be used for figging which is when it is peeled and inserted in either the vagina or anus.  It will cause an intense burning sensation.  It shouldn’t be left in for too long.  Some people also use chilli for this but I don’t recommend it because it is too hard to remove.  Please make sure you aren’t allergic to anything you are going to put on or in your body.

What about pervertables for dildos?  There are loads of things you can use that are insertable pervertables.  Please use...

Please enjoy again:

BDSM and Power Exchange Part 4

 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here.  Thanks for joining me for part 4 of this series on BDSM and Power Exchange.  Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

In parts 1-3 of this series we examined BDSM and power exchange from a number of angles.  This week, I look at the practicalities for getting started if BDSM and power exchange turn you on.

I will start with things everyone needs to consider whether partnered or un-partnered.  Then I will give specifics for singles.  I will follow this with specifics for couples. 

Where to start?  You might want to grab something to write with and some paper now.  Some people believe they need to work out every detail before actually leaving the house.  Not only isn’t this a good idea but it isn’t possible.  You won’t know exactly what you will enjoy until you have begun to experiment.  I advise not to think in terms of NEVER or ALWAYS.  Even some hard limits may shift after some time.    However, it is a good idea to have an idea of your current limits, interests and desires.   

Start with the shape of your relationship.  If you are single, decide if you are looking for one person or people to experiment with, or if you are looking for one relationship that will include BDSM as part of the relationship or more than one relationship (and if only one or more than one will include BDSM).  If you are partnered, are you going to involve anyone else in your exploration of BDSM and power exchange?

Next consider whether you are going to explore in public venues or in private on your own or both.  Many people enjoy going to public venues (like Torture Garden in London, UK) or private parties (which are still public as you are playing in the presence of other people) or at public events (like Weekend Reunion in New Jersey in the US every August or Master slave Conference which happens annually in the Washington DC area usually Labor Day weekend).  Some people prefer to experiment on their own at home and not to attend any events.   There are pros and cons to both.

Pros to going to events where there are other people present:

You can meet people who you might want to play with.

Events are a good place to connect with others who may share your interests and desires.  Meeting people in person is still the best way to figure out if you are compatible and also to get a sense of trustworthiness.  Most of us get gut feelings when we meet people and if we feel uncomfortable can walk away from any potential relationship right then.    Meeting people online can be useful but until you make contact face to face, you won’t truly know if there is any chance of things progressing.  Some events have only a few attendees and others have thousands.

You can meet people who you might wish to learn from.

Experienced people often attend public events and that gives newer people the opportunity to watch them and also to learn from them.  Sometimes you can get actual instruction and other times the opportunity to arrange a time to learn from them.    It is a good idea to get some hands on instruction to learn things like flogging, using a single tail whip or bullwhip, suspension bondage, needle play or any kind of edge play.  There are many other things where you can benefit from instruction. 

You can enjoy watching others play.

Watching others play is really hot.  It gives you the opportunity to see a variety of activities which will help you to decide if that is something you might want to try.  Sometimes watching helps people to eliminate activities as well.

You can enjoy being watched by others.

Some people get really turned on

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

Today I start my series about the care and feeding of the penis.  Joining me today is GP Walsh. Son of a schizophrenic mother and an absent father, GP’s earliest memory is being tied to his bed, to keep him from wandering. The years of abuse and emotional deprivation were offset by a natural gift for and love of truth as we'll as an unquenchable curiosity about how people really heal and awaken.

GP has spent a lifetime mastering those techniques and processes that liberate the mind and heart and bring healing to individuals, families and organizations.

GP is the author of “The Tao of Allowing”, “Angels in the Basement”, “The Harmonious Human”, “Tapping on the Buddha”, “Just Allow It”, and numerous other ebooks, meditations and audio/video programs. 

He is the Founder of The MasterHEART Institute, an Ordained Minister in the Universal Brotherhood Movement, a Member of the Association of Comprehensive Energy Psychology, the Evolutionary Business Council and was personally invited to be a member of the prestigious Transformational Leadership C ouncil by Jack Canfield, the organization’s founder.

We started by talking about The Ball Project and GP told me about how he started it and how important having a place for men to talk about feelings and worries is especially in the current cultural climate.  We spoke about how men find it difficult to feel their feelings and express them and how often they feel emasculated.  GP spoke about the anger and rage men carry – some righteous and some not and that they do not learn to express this in productive ways and this makes them ill.

We spoke about how all of this can cause impotency.  We went on to talk about retirement and the loss of relevance that men experience when they retire and how this can impact sexual functioning.  GP talked about how important it is for men to be doing something that matters and that men still identify themselves by the job they do.  We spoke about the fact that because there is a medication for impotence, men are not encouraged to look at their feelings and make the connection between mind, feelings and body that may resolve the problem without medication.

We spoke about men using pornography as avoidance from fear of women, lack of understanding as to how to approach women and fear of the tough emotions like rejection.  We both agreed that looking at overuse of pornography as an addiction does nothing to help them men who are experiencing this problem.  We spoke about how difficult it is for men to be centred in now

You can find GP Walsh at:

Website:

http://gpwalsh.com

Facebook: http://facebook.com/GPWalshFB

Twitter: http://twitter.com/gpwalsh.com

Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  Join me next for part 2 of the care and feeding of the penis.

Sex Spoken Here:  Overcoming Shame

 

 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   This week I am talking about overcoming shame.

 

 Dr Brene Brown is a shame researcher.  One of my favourite quotes of hers is: ‘Loving ourselves through the process of owning our story is the bravest thing we’ll ever do’.  Shame is one of the most common issues that clients bring to me as a therapist and as a coach.  People come with shame about their desires, about their past sexual experiences.  They come with shame about their feelings for others and some come with shame and they cannot figure out where the shame has come from.

 

We experience shame when we cannot own something we have thought, felt, or done or some part of ourselves.  Guilt can be appropriate when we have done something we know is wrong and harmed ourselves and/or others.  It serves the purpose of getting us to look at the wrong and highlighting the wrong so that we can make amends, change our behaviour.  Shame is toxic.  It comes from conditioning via our upbringing, via our cultural group, via the overarching society.    This shame doesn’t serve a purpose.  It keeps us trapped and makes it impossible for us to live in fullness and authenticity.  The difference between shame and guilt: Shame is ‘I am bad/wrong’ and guilt is ‘My behaviour is bad/wrong’.

 

When we experience shame, it can last a long time.  It hides in our unconscious and we are not necessarily aware of it until it is triggered.  Our own thoughts can trigger the shame.   Toxic shame most often comes from lots of shame experiences we have as children.  We internalise these experiences and the shame spreads.

 

‘Shame is the intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging’ Brené Brown, PhD, LMSW    Dr Brown goes on to say that shame needs ‘three things to grow exponentially in our lives: secrecy, silence, and judgement.  Shame cannot survive being spoken.  It cannot survive empathy.’

 

Sadly, our culture encourages shame around sex and sexuality.  Many of us grow up ashamed of our bodies, ashamed of any pleasure we can from our bodies, ashamed of our desires and ashamed of our attractions.    It starts when we first discover our bodies can bring us pleasure and our caregivers find us enjoying our bodies.  All too often, caregivers shame children for touching themselves.  Instead of telling a child that it is wonderful that they are enjoying their body but it would be better to do so in private, parents often become flustered and angry and ashamed and then shame the child.   We learn quickly what our parents, family members, and other trusted adults feel is ‘shameful’ and we internalise that shame.  We feel shame when no matter what we do to modify our desires or attractions, we still experience them.  Many religions instil lots of shame around sexual behaviour, desire and attraction.  They hand down strict rules about when sex is appropriate, what type of sex is appropriate and even when and if pleasure is permitted.    For example, in Judaism, sexual pleasure is permitted and appropriate when you have sex within marriage.  If you have sex outside of marriage, that is considered inappropriate and if you are part of a religious community and this is discovered, one of the tools people have to punish you is to shame you.

 

Some people never get past this shame and sex becomes an emotional mine field.  They find it impossible to relax and fully enjoy sex.  When they do enjoy sex, they feel ashamed afterwards as well.  Some people find it hard to maintain intimate relationships because of their shame.  They find it hard to be...

Please enjoy again:

 

Sex Spoken Here: Let’s Talk about Gender part 1

 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

 

Today I am continuing my series about gender.  Last week I started my discussion with Melvin Marsh.  Today we are continuing that discussion.  If you haven’t heard part 1, go on and download it and have a listen. 

Melvin Marsh is a practicing medical hypnotherapist in with particular interests in medical hypnosis, phobias, and anxiety. While attending medical school, hypnotherapy was suggested to him to deal with his own anxiety problem caused by a residual medical phobia. As hypnotherapy started to relieve the symptoms, he realized he could use hypnosis to help his future patients. Eventually, he left medical school to pursue studies at HMI College of Hypnotherapy where he graduated with honors. He became a certified hypnotherapist under the strict guidelines of the Hypnotherapist's Union Local 472 AFL-CIO, the strictest certifying agency in the United States requiring an additional 80 clinical hours over that of the National Guild.

Melvin has been interviewed by top podcasts, including being interviewed by the famous Adam Eason of Hypnosis Weekly and is much in demand as a speaker and teacher.

 

We started by finishing our talk about screening and therapy prior to transitioning and the number of people who have second thoughts and return to their original gender. 

 

We moved on to the difficulties involved in dating and talked about when it is appropriate to tell someone that you are trans (as soon as possible says Melvin).  We spoke about the effects of transition on sexuality and the fact that sometimes sexual orientation changes and other times it does not so nothing can be assumed.  We talked anatomy and the changes that happy for FTM transsexuals. 

 

We spoke about the different ways people like to have sex, the importance of getting pronouns correct but the recognition that honest mistakes are usually quickly forgiven. 

 

We spoke about how awful it is when someone repeatedly chooses to address a person incorrectly and how invalidating that is. 

 

If you want to find Melvin:

Website Link

www.afterhourshypnotherapy.com

 

Facebook link

https://www.facebook.com/afterhourshypnotherapy/

 

twitter link

https://twitter.com/melsmarsh/

  

Other social media link

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCTJhbqVCZtqEuwVx-azZJoA/

  

Offer you want to promote on the show

If you wish to book LGBT culturally competent hypnosis, or anything like that in general, $50 (USD) off any service but you have to use the contact us form on the website so it goes directly to me and just mention Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey

 

Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook..  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week for part three of this series on...

Please enjoy again:

 

Sex Spoken Here: Let’s Talk about Gender part 1

 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

 

Today I am beginning a series about gender.   When I was growing up, many people saw gender as either male or female.   There were sometimes people who were referred to as transsexual who felt they were born with the wrong body and chose to undergo surgery to change to their ideal gender.  

 

One of my first flirtations, a boy called Kenny, confided in me when we were both 16 that he really felt female inside and wanted to change sex.   He went for some physical tests and told me that though he had male genitalia he also had a uterus inside.  Kenny went on to have a sex change operation.  He was the first person I ever met who questioned the gender he was assigned at birth.

 

The understanding of gender has changed dramatically since that time.  Current research highlights gender as a spectrum and recognises gender fluidity as well as transgender and transsexual.   I’m going to dive into this issue in depth over the next few weeks.

 

Joining me today to start the discussion is Melvin Marsh

Melvin Marsh is a practicing medical hypnotherapist in with particular interests in medical hypnosis, phobias, and anxiety. While attending medical school, hypnotherapy was suggested to him to deal with his own anxiety problem caused by a residual medical phobia. As hypnotherapy started to relieve the symptoms, he realized he could use hypnosis to help his future patients. Eventually, he left medical school to pursue studies at HMI College of Hypnotherapy where he graduated with honors. He became a certified hypnotherapist under the strict guidelines of the Hypnotherapist's Union Local 472 AFL-CIO, the strictest certifying agency in the United States requiring an additional 80 clinical hours over that of the National Guild.

Melvin has been interviewed by top podcasts, including being interviewed by the famous Adam Eason of Hypnosis Weekly and is much in demand as a speaker and teacher.

 

He socially transitioned in 2002 and medically transitioned a few years after that.  Welcome to the show!

 

There is a lot of controversy around definitions so please note that the opinions of the speaker belong to them.  We started with the difference between transsexual and transgender.  Melvin sees transsexual as those who make physical changes (hormones, surgery) and live full time as the new gender and transgender as those who do not necessarily do these things.  I did highlight the fact that each individual has their own perception of their gender identification and that this should be respected.  In my view we should respect as many identifications of gender as there are people. 

 

We talked about discrimination extensively.  Melvin reports that there is as much discrimination within the LGBTQIIAA+ community as there is outside the community and that it is widespread in the US.    He spoke about being in fear for his life, being harassed in medical school and being attacked on the street.  He spoke about being out and taking the heat for some folks who would prefer to ‘go stealth’.

 

We talked about some of the differences between FTM and MTF trans people.  One of the differences highlighted was that it is often easier for FTM to appear  physically credible as their new gender and so to blend in. 

 

I asked about places where Melvin has experienced support or that his gender has not been an issue and he told me that when he converted to Judaism, his Rabbi was great.  He said the congregation is brilliant and his hypnotherapy school has been great.

 

I asked about how people in...

Please enjoy again: Littles and Bigs Age Play

 

Sex Spoken Here: Littles and Bigs and Age Play  TRIGGER WARNING

 

 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

 

Today I am starting my series on littles, bigs and age play.  This area of kink often really upsets people.  Many people see it as related to paedophilia which it is not or related to sexual abuse.    There are many layers to this area so I will spend a few weeks examining them in as much detail as I can.

 

Joining me to start the discussion is Kathleen Melch. 

Kathleen Melch is a leatherwoman within the BDSM community. She has been publicly involved with the community for the last 15 years as an educator and a title holder. She considers the subject of Littles as her primary specialty. Uncovering her own little in her early twenties, it is her mission and joy to guide people who are littles, Bigs and the larger community.

   

Kathleen started by making the distinction between age play which is adults choosing to take on the persona of a child – more like a role play – and littles where people are actually psychologically and emotionally regressing to a particular age.  She made the point that in age play, consent is possible but that in her opinion with littles it is not.  She highlighted that this is because of the complete regression.  Kathleen said that littles are usually between age 3 and 8 and that middles are 8 to the tweens and that bigs are the people who look after/care for the little.

 

Flowing from her point about consent, Kathleen made clear that in her view there should be nothing sexual between a big and a little as that is incest and could be traumatising or re-traumatising.  She was clear that she does not see littles and bigs as a kink as a result.   She spoke about the explosion of littles on the BDSM kink scene in the last 10 years and that this has led to difficult situations where the space for littles is placed in the dungeon or in a sexual play space.  Kathleen was clear that she doesn’t think this is appropriate as you wouldn’t expose your 6 year old to an adult sexual space and it is essentially the same as the little, who is psychologically regressed, is in the mind space and emotional space of the child.

 

We spoke about the grey areas that fall between littles/bigs and age play.  For example, two littles playing doctor is age appropriate sexual play.   Spanking can be a grey area as the sexual pleasure encoding may have happened during a childhood incident in which there was no sexual content intended (e.g The adult was not sexually aroused.  They were administering punishment).  And spoke about the fact that some people choose to re-enact a scene from their own sexual abuse background in order to try to heal.  

 

We spoke in great detail about the discomfort of people who are not interested in little/big relationships sharing adult space and the problems sex educators have when dealing with these relationships.  Kathleen was clear that she is very protective of littles and seeks to keep them safe in adult spaces. 

 

Kathleen spoke about the need for bigs and adults who are engaging in age play to have education around the age regression and how to bring someone back to the adult age as well as around symptoms of trauma and dissociation. She spoke about the fact that after care is usually much more extensive in these situations.

We spoke about the enjoyment people get...

Someday my prince/princess will come… 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.  

Today we will talk about the two myths that I believe cause the most problems for us in creating relationships that work and keeping them working long term.

 

‘Someday my prince will come’.  ‘And they all lived happily ever after’.  Many of us were raised with these fantasies, believing that happiness is connected to finding ‘the one who completes us’.    The cultural conditioning runs deep.  Even people who make alternative life choices can find themselves dreaming about living happily ever after or meeting that one person.

 

These fantasies cause more pain than they do pleasure.  Let’s start with the idea of living happily ever after.  The story goes that we work hard to find that right person and overcome obstacles to be together and then finally we reach the goal and get to live happily ever after.  The problems with this fairy tale are legion.  Life is not static.  People do not get to a place where they are happy in a relationship and then remain there without any work ,without any issues occurring, forever.  Things change.   Our relationships go through changes as we age, if we have children, when jobs change, when finances change and hopefully as we grow emotionally and spiritually.    If we believe that sustained happiness is the goal we are bound to fail.  This leads to dissatisfaction first, can lead to relationship breakdown and even depression.

 

Happiness is an emotional state that is based on external factors.  It is future based as well.  As a result, we have no control over the feeling.  Someone else or something that happens causes us to feel happy.  We have no agency when trying to find happiness.     Agency is our ability to act and/or to exert power.   When we have agency we are able to create changes internally but also in the world around us.

 

Joy is an emotional state that is internally based.  Joy can come in moments or it can be more stable. We can find joy even when external circumstances are tough.  It is often seen as  a more spiritual quality.    I remember waking up full of joy during a period where I was struggling financially.  I took joy in the nature around me.  For me joy and gratitude often go together.   Many people are so caught up in the drama of their lives and in reaching for that happily ever after that they fail to take joy in all that they have and all that they are each day. 

 

 

I am already complete by myself.  I need no one to complete me.  I don’t have a ‘better half’ or an ‘other half’.  I am already whole.  When I am in relationship with someone, two whole people join together.  If that relationship ends, though I may grieve a great deal,  I am still whole.   

 

Believing that you need someone else to complete you denies your full potential.  You are handing over your power to the mythical perfect partner.    You are giving away your agency again and waiting for someone to ‘give’ you happiness, to ‘cause you to feel happy’.  When you need someone else in order to feel productive, to feel good, you are setting yourself up for unhappiness and loss.  Being dependent upon someone else for your good feelings and in order to feel good about yourself is a sure road to relationship failure and can also lead to a loss of confidence and depression.  If the relationship ends, you are returning to your earlier state.  Half a person is a broken person.

 

Expecting someone to complete you, to be that one person who can create your happiness is giving someone far too much responsibility.    This builds a...

Please enjoy: Sex Love Stories: L

 

Sex Spoken Here: Sex Love Stories:  L

 

 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. 

 

In today’s story, we will cover bisexuality and non-monogamy.  Joining me is L who is a bisexual woman in a long term relationship with a man.  She has recently moved into a polyamorous way of living.

 

I asked L to tell me about her background and culture.  She described herself as a CIS gendered white woman who was Welsh and had Welsh as a first language.  She crossed the border to England at 16.  

 

I asked about her first sexual awareness and she said that she didn’t really have much of one as a child apart from the playing doctor type interactions.  She said that her first sexual experience was not pleasant and that looking back it was really non-consensual as she didn’t feel she could say no and she didn’t fully understand what was happening.   One theme of our conversation was the importance of education about pleasure and learning your own body so that you can communicate your needs to a partner.

 

L met her husband at 16 and they have been together since.  She spoke of always having an attraction to girls but not fully recognising this as a part of her until a few years ago.  She spoke of sharing this with her husband and then them talking about the possibility of opening the relationship.

 

L said at first that she simply wanted to share this part of herself with her husband and didn’t feel a need to act on anything.  Her husband didn’t want to be the reason that she did not explore this side of herself so they started the journey into non-monogamy.

 

L spoke of the changes they have experienced in the way they view non-monogamy and the ups and downs of making this transition.  She said that they both have on going relationships with others and that their relationship still remains central.  She spoke about the joy in sharing their experiences with each other and that they are closer now than before they chose to change their path.

 

We spoke about some of the issues around having a ‘primary’ relationship and the different responsibilities that come with being married to someone or cohabiting with someone.  L spoke about how much she enjoys the different experiences and that they have now had some experiences together which has also been a lot of fun.

 

 

Today we spoke about bisexuality, the transition to non-monogamy, and the importance of self-knowledge and self-love .  If you were triggered or if this resonates with you, do email me. In addition to emailing me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com for more information, you can find resources on the podcast pages as part of the podcast notes.

 

Check out these podcasts and blogs for more information:

Non-Monogamy with Cooper S Beckett

Non-monogamy with Dr Meg-John Barker Part 2

Non-monogamy with Dr Meg-John Barker Part 1

Freaked Out Your Partner Might Be Poly?

How do I Know if Polyamory is for Me?

 

Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

...

Sex Spoken Here:  Arousal Non-concordance: When your Body says ‘yes’ but you don’t want sex and aren’t enjoying it.

 

 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   This week I am talking about arousal nonconcordance.

 

What? Huh?  I can hear you saying.   In simple terms, arousal nonconcordance is when your genital response doesn’t not match your internal experience.  For example, if you have a vagina, you are feeling really turned on but you are not wet.   Everyone experiences nonconcordance at times and it can be extremely confusing.  The most upsetting examples of nonconcordance, are around rape and sexual assault.  Many people experience orgasm during rape and this can lead them to believe that they wanted the rape.  Sometimes worse than the self-blame is the blame heaped on them by others – and the attitude of the criminal justice system when they are not aware that nonconcordance is a normal response in these situations and that orgasm does not mean that there was desire, enjoyment or consent.

 

Dr Emily Nagoski, sex educator discusses nonconcordance in detail in her book ‘Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life.’ She gave a TED talk at TED2018 that covered this topic as well.   She highlights that when sex research is done with men measuring penile response to determine arousal in response to stimuli and comparing it to subjective arousal reported by the man, there is only about a 50% concordance between the two.    That means 50% of the time there is nonconcordance – the man reports arousal but his penis doesn’t harden or the man doesn’t report arousal but his penis is hard.   She reports that if you do the same experiment with a woman – there is only 10 percent overlap.  Think about that for a second.  Though a woman’s genitals react to sexually relevant stimuli, the overlap with subjective arousal is only 10%. 

 

What does this actually mean?  Something can be sexually relevant but not something a person would find desirable.  Bondage is sexually relevant but Marc finds it tedious.   Images of anal sex are sexually relevant and cause Jerry to lubricate but she finds the idea of anal sex repugnant.  One of the things this highlights is how important the brain is in female sexual response. 

 

Emily Nagoski talks about Ross Buck’s framework to think about emotion that allows us to better understand nonconcordance. 

‘Emotion I is the involuntary physiological response – your heart rate and blood pressure, pupil dilation, digestion, sweating immune functioning.  Genital response falls into this category and my college friend who got wet while she was bored, tied up waiting for her partner to come back, experienced this kind of response but nothing else.

Emotion II is involuntary expressive response to a feeling.  It’s body language- or more accurately, paralanguage – things like vocal inflection, posture, and facial expression – all the cues we use to infer another person’s internal state.  A great dinner date will be full of Emotion II, as you find yourself putting your hand on your date’s arm, gazing into their eyes and smiling.  These are often influenced by culture but have a great deal of universality and they can be intentionally controlled to some degree but not as much as you might think.  Did you choose the expression on your face right now? 

Emotion III is subjective experience of a feeling. If someone asks you how you feel and you check in with yourself to find the answer, what you’re noticing is Emotion III.  This is subjective arousal – the conscious experience of ‘I want you so much I can hardly stand it’  which may or may not be accompanied by genital response (Emotion I) or eye contact (Emotion II).

Here is a reboot of Sex Love Stories 6, please enjoy:

 

Sex Spoken Here: Sex Love Stories 6:  Anita Cassidy

 

 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. 

 

Today is the sixth instalment of the sex love series.  Joining me today is author Anita Cassidy.  Anita describes herself as a white British woman, age 41 who grew up moving around a lot because her father was in the Royal Air Force. 

 

We started with her first awareness of herself as a sexual being and she said that this wasn’t until she was 14 or 15.  She said she didn’t touch herself and that sex wasn’t talked about in her home.  She described her first awareness as noticing her body’s response to movies (and being uncomfortable watching them with her parents), enjoying the Sunday Sport images of naked women and stories about sex and described saving enough pennies to try to listen to the women talk on the phone sex lines. 

 

Anita said her first proper sexual experience was when she was 17 and with a boyfriend.  She spoke about being ready to have sex and being excited to explore this new chapter of her life.  She talked about the next number of boyfriends she had where the relationships were good and the sex was pleasant if not exciting.   She spoke about stable relationships through university and then moving to London and moving in with her boyfriend.

 

Anita spoke about her first job in advertising sales for the Independent and that the atmosphere at work was very sexually charged and she enjoyed this.  She commented that this is interesting given current focus on sexual harassment and whether there is any place for sex and relationships in the workplace.   She talked about a period of time spent exploring and how much she enjoyed this and being the centre of attention.

 

Anita talked about reaching 26 and deciding it was time to be serious so that she was taken seriously.  She identifies this time as when she truly split her mind from her body and that she didn’t believe she could have both and exciting sexual life and a serious career.  Anita spoke of marrying and that the sex was ‘good enough’ but not really exciting.  She said that she was pregnant within 6 months of marriage and the focus became on having a family.  She said that they were not a couple who had no sex for many months and that they talked about making sure they were still having sex but said that they never talked about sexual desires, wants or needs.  Anita highlighted this as a theme throughout her life up to that point.

 

Anita spoke of realising she was bored and unhappy once her children were both in school and child care.  She said she ended up in a conversation with a man she met through her writing and that this was when she discovered kink and BDSM.  She described this as though someone had ‘walked through (my) mind and turned all the lights on’.  She spoke of reading Dr Meg-John Barker’s ‘Rewriting the Rules’ and asking her husband to read the book as well.  She talked about the painful conversation that led to them opening up their marriage.

 

Anita talked about finally integrating her sexual needs and desires and how amazing this is.  She spoke of this transforming the rest of her life.

Anita’s book is available to pre-order now on Amazon.  Here is the link:

Appetite

 

Today we spoke about being kinky, BDSM, Master/slave relationships, non-monogamy, the importance of congruence and communication, the wonders of being raised without shame around sexuality. If you were triggered or if this resonates...

Sex Spoken Here:  After  #metoo Recovering from Sexual assault

 

 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   

 

Joining me today is Carolin Hauser-Carson, German trained Naturopathic Doctor, Humanistic Psychotherapist, and Family Constellations Facilitator, is the author of the book Blossom – 7 Steps to Sexual Healing and the upcoming book The Pleasure IQ. An internationally-recognized speaker and teacher on the subjects of spirituality, healing, and women’s empowerment for almost two decades, Carolin combines her knowledge to help women (and brave men) to have love-filled lives that flow with a sense of ease and amazing results. Her work is based on the intersection of where the human body and experience meets past–and even ancestral–trauma, and shows how each individual’s authentic and true self is the source of one’s own good – a place of unlimited abundance, creativity, courage, and joyful existence.

 

Carolin talked about the #metoo phenomena as being both helpful because shame has been lifted so that people can speak out but also sad because it seems to be polarizing men and women.

 

She talked about how trauma impacts your energy and your soul and that healing happens by healing your nervous system.  She compared it to the electrical system melting or burning out as a result of the trauma.  She spoke about the energy being leached away and causing chronic fatigue, autoimmune disease and exhaustion and that healing the trauma brings the energy back and heals the body so these conditions no longer cause exist.

 

She talked about her book Blossom which is a self-help book to engage in this type of healing.  It starts with understanding the impact of trauma on the body, then learning to access feelings again and to feel them in the body.  As the work moves on, there is a particular tool that heals heals the energy system and she spoke about how powerful this is.  She said that using this every day has turned her entire life around.

 

Carolin does a lot of work with people in groups – and runs retreats each year.  She spoke about the power of group work as people who are on similar journeys learn from each other, support each other and bear witness. 

 

Carolin said that healing from trauma does not need to be complicated.  And that putting one good tool into practice and doing it every day is enough.  She likened it to going to the gym and working on your muscles and that doing this daily creates great sometimes monumental changes if one is persistent.

 

Check these links:

Https://www.womenintheflow.com

Facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/carolinhauser

Twitter

https://twitter.com/carolinhauser

Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/and click the button that says click here! on the contact page.

Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher if you enjoy the show.

I look forward to seeing you next week.

Please enjoy again: Sex Spoken Here: BDSM and Power Exchange

 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

 

Last week I explored the practicalities for beginning to explore BDSM and Power Exchange.  This week I explore basic rules for events and resources for BDSM online and in the community.    If you haven’t heard the first four of the BDSM and Power Exchange Series, I suggest you download them.  The first two include interviews with Dr Kevin Boileau and cover some of the theory and emotional issues, the third in the series includes an interview with Pharoah Khaf Ra and Empress Nahara who are a lifestyle dominant couple and last week I started with practicalities like figuring out if you are dominant or submissive.

I have talked about getting ready to step out and explore BDSM and power exchange whether you are doing it in private or in public.    But many people have no idea where to begin to look to meet people, for events or for clothing and accessories. 

First I want to highlight that you don’t need to spend lots of money on special clothing and toys.    Most events have a dress code but most of them also will accept scant clothing (as close to nakedness as is legal in that jurisdiction) or being dressed all in black.   The dress code is supposed to encourage people to make an effort to get involved, look and feel sexy and to discourage those people who come along to gawk.  Gawking is different from watching when you are a proper voyeur.  Gawking is when someone comes to watch all the strange people and has no intention of getting involved in any way and when someone doesn’t observe basic courtesy either. 

Basic courtesy includes:

Don’t interfere in someone else’s scene.  If they are doing something you find interesting, watch from an appropriate distance.  That means don’t watch from 2 inches away.  I was once involved in a scene with a woman where I was performing oral sex on her and a man came and sat so close too watch that his face was almost between my mouth and her pussy.  He was told very firmly to move away.  When people are using floggers, whips and canes if you get within the circle of the stroke you will get injured and really annoy the person who is doing the beating.  Also, when people are in a scene, it creates a bubble and they are likely to be unaware of the outside world.  When someone blunders in, they break the bubble and the distraction can ruin the entire scene because it interrupts the energy flow.  Energy builds in a scene to a peak just like it does in sex when it builds to orgasm.

No means no. Just because someone is at a public event does not mean they are there to play with everyone.  If someone says no, please respect it.

Observe protocols.  Even if you find it strange to have to ask someone’s Master or Mistress to talk with them, please follow their protocols.  It is a means of demonstrating respect.  You can ask about reasons or the origins of the protocol but ultimately following it is the best way to show respect.

Don’t spend time talking or asking questions in active areas of play.  This disrupts the energy and disrupts the scene.  There are usually conversation areas and people are usually happy to answer questions after the scene.  Remember that after care is part of the scene.

Don’t make assumptions about role, gender, sexuality, sexual orientation.  Ask instead of assuming.

Where to meet people online:

There are lots of resources to meet people online.  Fetlife.com  is a social media site for people who like fetishes including BDSM and power exchange.  There are lots of different groups once you...

Sex Spoken Here:  Choosing the Right Sex Toy

 

 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   This week I am talking about choosing the right sex toy.

 

Joining me today, is Katy, the public relations director and resident sexologist at Adam and Eve.

 

Katy is a native of Tennessee (Go Vols!) and a graduate of the University of Tennessee, Knoxville, with a B.S. in Journalism and Public Relations. After working for Maytag and in publishing in New York, she started working at Adam & Eve in November of 1993 as a catalog copywriter (remember catalogs?!). In 1997, Katy was promoted to Adam & Eve Director of Public Relations. She received her certification in Clinical Sexology in 2017 and holds an Associate in Sex Education from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. She is currently working towards her AASECT certification as a Sex Educator.

Personal: Divorced mother of two teen girls. Lives a block from ex and we still have weekly family dinners and even vacation together. Pescaterian (Mostly vegetarian but occasionally eats fish). Loves dogs, monkeys, travel and red wine.

 

We spoke about choosing a sex toy. We started by talking about the different types of toys available for women from clitoral stimulators to vibrators.  We talked about the toys available to men from masturbators to prostate stimulators and those for couples as well.  Cutting edge toys include Bluetooth controlled toys and prostate vibrators.  Katy said they have experienced an upsurge in sales for prostate stimulators and we both agreed that now there are a number of these toys marketed for heterosexual men.  We spoke about the increase in heterosexual men willing to consider prostate stimulation.

 

We spoke about how toys might develop and what virtual reality toys are coming.  All of the current ones are meant for one person to be having sex with a virtual character.  I asked about the possibility of ones where people could have sex with each other in the virtual sphere.  Katy raised the ethical issues that might come as a result of that including issues around cheating and underage use.  I suggested that raising ethical issues is a good idea as it gets people to think through their sexual and relationship choices.

 

We spoke about how sex toys have helped many women to reach orgasm who had not been able to without a toy and how they can help around menopause and after so that people can continue a healthy sexual life into their mature years. 

 

I asked for a recommendation of a first toy and Katy said for women she would recommend a bullet vibrator or a pocket rocket.  For men, a masturbator.  She recommended that people try some less expensive toys out to figure out what works best for them. 

 

Katy has graciously offered us a code ‘SPOKEN’ to use to get 50% off any one item at https://www.adamandeve.com.  So go and grab that must have toy now!

 

Check these links:

Https://www.adameve.com

Facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/adamandeve

 

Twitter

https://twitter.com/adamandeve

Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/and click the

Reboot:

 

Sex Spoken Here: Sex Love Stories 5:  Dr Sam Webster

 

 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. 

 

Today is the fifth instalment of the sex love series.  Joining me today is Dr Sam Webster, Master of Divinity and Mage, my oldest friend. I started by asking Sam when he first became aware of his sexual self.  Sam told met this had two answers.  The first was at 5 or 6 when he became aware of his body and how good he could feel and the second was when he assigned the idea of sex to that and realised that other sex was interesting which was as a teen.  I asked Sam  to tell me about his background and culture.  He told me that he was born in New York and lived in the Bronx and when the neighbourhood changed his parents moved them to Long Island.  Sam grew up in a neighbourhood that was Italian Catholic, Irish Catholic and Jewish. He spoke of loving the ritual but not liking the hypocrisy.

 

We spoke about meeting at the beginning of university and of exploring together.  Sam talked about only recently understanding that he is gender fluid and how powerful this has been.  He said that I was his first consensual polyamorous relationship and I agreed.  We spoke about some of the difficulties of polyamory and some of the joys. 

 

I asked Sam about his bisexuality and he told me that growing up it was made clear that sex between men was not acceptable, was sinful.  Sam said he was bullied for a number of other reasons so he chose not to add same sex relationships to the mix at that time.  He spoke about how hard it was first to allow himself to fully feel these sexual feelings and then to find partners.  We spoke about a couple of the experiences he has had.

 

Sam spoke about how his spiritual development in Thelemic magick was very much tied in with his sexuality and what it was like when this was the case – the power of the mix but also the issues it creates.  We spoke about coming full circle or rather around the spiral helix again.  

 

We spoke of the importance of communication and of work on oneself and frequently people are afraid to do that work.  I asked about when he realised he was kinky and he laughed and we talked of starting to explore that together and how when you look at all these pieces it can be really hard to find partners to meet these needs and also that we both had a line of pretty bad choices.

 

Sam talked about how supportive and nourishing his current relationship is and we discussed finally being in a place to make a good choice.

 

 

Today we spoke about being gender fluid, being bisexual, being non-binary in general, kink, BDSM, Master/slave relationships, non-Christian and non-monotheistic spirituality, sex magick and sexual trauma. If you were triggered or if this resonates with you, do email me. In addition to emailing me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com for more information, you can find resources on the podcast pages as part of the podcast notes.

 

Check out these podcasts and blogs for more information:

B is for Bisexual

BDSM dating

D/s Relationships

Consent

Communication

Gender Fluid

Risk Assessment in...

Welcome to my virtual therapy room.  My name is Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here.  This programme deals with adult topics so if you don’t have total privacy, you might wish to put on your headphones.   This week on Sex Spoken Here, my interview with Nikki Leigh on her Ready for Love Radio programme about Sexual Authenticity. We are talking about why authenticity is important and why sexual authenticity is essential for living a life of integrity and with freedom.   Sexual authenticity is when a person fully owns their desires, orientation, lifestyle, love style, relationship style and can express themselves comfortably.  When someone is authentic they are free to be fully present in all situations as they are not burdened by shame and embarrassment and self-conscious concerns.  They are confident and genuine and relate fully to their partners.   Thanks for joining me this week on Sex Spoken Here, for a free 30 minute discovery session to see how I can help you on your journey to sexual authenticity, head to my website at https://the-intimacy-coach.com and over to the contact page.   Click where it says ‘click here’ to schedule.   I look forward to seeing you next week. 

Reboot. Please enjoy: Sex Love Stories 4: A

 

Sex Spoken Here: Sex Love Stories 4:  A

 

 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. 

 

Today is the fourth instalment of the sex love series.  I asked A to tell me about his background and culture.   A is in his late 60’s and grew up in an orthodox Jewish community in apartheid South Africa.  He talked about it being illegal to show a woman’s breasts in a film and in fact nudity was ‘verboten’.  He said that having playboy magazine could get you arrested.  A told me that they had one day of education in school to talk about how babies were made and that girls were not expected to enjoy sex at all.  Girls were expected to have sex for procreation and men were to enjoy sex.  He told me that there was a lot of shame around anything to do with intimacy.

 

A spoke about his first sexual experience being when he discovered himself in the bath and found he could create pleasure.    I asked about where he learned more about sex and he told me he was a voracious reader.  He told me he found a book on sex in marriage at a bookstore and bought it.  This is where he learned the knowledge that has allowed him to create pleasure for his partners.  He described the book as having line drawings as if it had pictures it would have been banned. 

 

In an aside, A told me that the book Black Beauty was banned because these decisions were made by people who spoke Afrikans  and that they thought the book was about a beautiful black woman which was unacceptable.  They did not know it was about an horse!

 

I asked A about his first sexual experience and he told me he was 17 when he had sex for the first time with a girl he was in a relationship with.  He described the experience as fumbling but pleasureable.  He said he could not find where to put his penis because the drawings suggested the vagina was directly in front of the body rather than underneath. 

 

A told me that he enjoyed most of his intimate experiences.  He spoke of preferring to talk about intimacy rather than sex because for him, a relationship is required.  He said that this is the reason he never used the services of sex workers. 

 

I asked A about the worst sexual experiences he ever had.  He told me that one woman he was in a relationship with got up and walked out in the middle of sex a few times.  He said she never gave an explanation and he spent a year trying to figure out what was wrong, talking with her and trying to work things out.  She had no interest in talking about anything so he ended the relationship.  Years later, A learned about passive aggressive personality disorder and then understood that this had nothing to do with their sex life and everything to do with the relationship.

 

The second experience A described was when a woman he slept with wanted to ‘control everything’.  He said that he did not enjoy being dominated and did not wish to dominate anyone.  He prefers ‘togetherness’ so he ended that relationship. 

I asked about the best sexual experiences he has had and A told me that as long as his partner is satisfied he feels wonderful.    I asked him for three pieces of advice he would give people in order to have great sex.  A said he was addressing men first.  The first piece of advice he got from the book he red at 14 and that is foreplay is essential for women to be ready for intimacy.  He remembered that the book said 7 minutes at least so his advice is ‘Always spend at least 7 minutes, preferably more, at foreplay.’  The second piece of advice was ‘Find out what your partner wants and do that.  Focus on your partner’s pleasure’ and the third was ‘Be kind.’  He spoke of women being ‘fragile...

Reboot, so please enjoy:

 

Sex Spoken Here: Sex Love Stories 1 Intro and My Story

 

 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. 

 

Today I am starting a series that is different from the ones I usually do.  Since I started this podcast, I have covered different topics to do with sex, sexuality, gender and relationships over two or three weeks, looking at each topic in moderate depth.   In this new series, I am interviewing people from all walks of life about their journeys to sexual authenticity and integration.  Different people are in different places on their journeys.  Some are close to the beginning, others in the middle and still others have reached a place of authenticity and integration and their journeys are focused on more pleasure and more learning.    For each story, I’ll give a short summary and I will provide some advice or tips for further learning or help if you need it with any of the issues talked about during the story.     It is my hope that you will see yourself somewhere in these stories and you will gain support and inspiration from them.  Some of them are really hard in places and they also contain great joy.  Your sexual journey is as unique as your lip print (which is as unique as a fingerprint – as is your nose print, ear print and your eyes).

 

My journey is a long one, so grab a cup of tea, coffee or your favourite tipple, any nibbles you choose and get comfortable.  When you listen to these stories, try to listen without judgement.  Reflect on your own story and each unique piece that makes you authentically you.

 

Many people believe that all good stories begin ‘Once upon a time’ but that beginning is for a fairy tale and my story starts in the real world.   As a pre-teen, my fantasies were about having a master and living in a bottle like the show I Dream of Jeannie.  I created a decorated a bottle to live in.  I didn’t know why I wanted this, I just did.      

 

By the time I reached my teens, the fantasy was more detailed.  There were Masters and Mistresses, and other slave women (for that is how I saw the genie).   I was sexually precocious for a number of reasons that I will leave for another day.  At 13, I was desperate to lose my virginity but I was ashamed of my desire.  I got it in my head that doing so at 13 would be too young and therefore make me a slut so I decided to wait until after my 14th birthday.  I had a boyfriend at the time and I made him wait until 10 days after my 14th birthday.   Before my birthday, I discovered the joys of blow jobs.  I loved the feelings that giving a blow job gave me.  My boyfriend counted himself lucky.

 

My boyfriend’s parents were divorced.  He was 16 and lived with his mom.  She didn’t mind him bringing me to his bedroom.  As a result, I lost my virginity in a comfortable room, in a clean comfortable bed, with Pink Floyd’s Darkside of the Moon album playing on the stereo.  We used condoms and he was careful to work on arousing me before the first penetration.  There was nothing at all traumatic about the experience.  It hurt a little but within a few minutes it was feeling good.   It was a great entry to the world of fucking and I have been grateful for this ever since.  When I finally did experience traumatic sex, I knew that sex could be seriously good which meant I knew it could be again.

 

Shortly after this, I had my first proper girlfriend.  I had fooled around with some of my female friends earlier – kissing here and there, an occasional fondle.  S was my first real girlfriend.  With her, I discovered the joys of eating pussy.  At that time, I preferred to be the one giving not receiving.   

 

My desires to be forced, to be a slave, to...

Sex Spoken Here:  Strong Women and BDSM

 

 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   This week I am talking about strong women, BDSM and rough sex. 

 

I am often asked how and why strong women can desire rough sex and if strong women who enter submissive relationships are really just play acting. 

Submissive women are seen as easy to mold and passive in relationships.  While some submissive women are passive, many are strong, active women who find joy in surrendering and transferring authority to a dominant partner.  They enjoy service to someone who is stronger (or as strong) as they are. 

 

I have talked about the basics of power exchange in the past.  But to recap

In all relationships, there exists power exchange.  One person is in charge of X and the other in charge of Y.  In some relationships, there is a balance of power most of the time, an equal division of labour, responsibilities and decision making.  In other relationships, most of the power lies with one person who has overall responsibility, and control of decision making.   

 

Many so called ordinary relationships contain similar types of power exchange.  In religious households, there are often strict division of roles and the man is often the one who is in charge as head of household with the woman deferring to him in all decisions.    

 

Current thinking is that it is authority that is exchanged or transferred rather than power.  This concepts works better when looking at strong powerful submissives who continue to run many aspects of their lives.  The idea of taking power from a submissive rubs many dominants the wrong way.  They enjoy the power and the fact that they are given the authority to weald the power as they see fit.

Why would a woman want to be submissive if not for religious conviction? For some of us, surrender is tantalising, exciting and ultimately a relief. As a strong woman, I am often in charge and in control whether it is to do with running my business or managing what needs to be done at home, social planning, financial planning, or parenting my teenage son.   When I was a teenager, I was often in charge of projects with friends and I learned early how to take responsibility and plan well so that my goals were reached.  I learned quickly that relying on other people often meant that things were not done the way I wanted them done or that they were not done at all.  I began to take more responsibility and more control in my life and became known as someone who could and would get things done.

 

Control felt good.  It felt safe.    I had difficulty with trust as a result of some early life experiences.  This made it even harder for me to give up control in any area of my life.  But more control can equal less pleasure as orgasm requires that you relinquish control.   At an early age, I found myself craving a dominant partner, someone who could take control from me, who could force me to surrender. 

 

First I discovered romance novels, the type where the man carried the woman off and ravaged her.   I quickly discovered BDSM erotica and immersed myself in Story of O, Beauty’s tales amongst others.    My desire to submit grew.  When I began to have relationships that included BDSM, I discovered that submission and surrender were not easy for a girl who was so used to being in control.  I learned that in order to submit to someone, they had to be very intelligent, and someone I could respect and admire in the world.   In short, the person had to be stronger than I.  That is true to this day.  To some this sounds arrogant but I make no apologies.  I am a strong, highly intelligent, highly accomplished woman.   

 

I am into BDSM and...

Sex Spoken Here: Sex Love Stories 3:  TJ

 

 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. 

 

Today is the third instalment of the sex love series.  I have invited my husband, TJ Scott is retired teamster who worked for 26 years at Omega Cinema Props, the largest privately owned prop house in the US. He is a part time percussionist and artist.  He currently works at Otford Boarding Kennels in Kent, UK.

 

I asked TJ to tell me about his background and culture.  TJ describes himself as an African American military brat and a southerner.

 

TJ spoke about his first sexual awakening at age 5 and his first experience at age 7 playing more than just doctor with a 9 year old friend of his sister’s.  He spoke about losing his virginity – twice. 

 

TJ spoke about being a bisexual man, being polyamorous and being kinky.  He spoke about a first marriage where sex was only happening if he was role playing one of his many Dungeons and Dragons characters.  When his first wife refused to have sex with him without the role play, the sex in the marriage ended.  He spoke about his second marriage where sex never really happened. 

 

TJ spoke about being in our marriage – being able to express all of his sexual sides and that he looks forward to exploring more together in the future until we are two old and wrinkly raisins in the bed telling folks to go away because we ain’t dead yet.

 

Today we spoke about masturbation, bisexuality, virginity, Baptist culture and the impact on relationships, BDSM, sexless marriages and non-monogamy.  If you were triggered or if this resonates with you, do email me. In addition to emailing me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com for more information, you can find resources on the podcast pages as part of the podcast notes.

 

Check out these podcasts and blogs for more information:

B is for Bisexual

Sexless Relationships 1

BDSM dating

Virginity

D/s Relationships

Polyamorous D/s Relationships

 

You can find TJ’s art at:

https://urceleb.deviantart.com/

Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. I have a TV channel on the BonBonNetwork For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/and click the button that says Schedule Now! on the contact page.

Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher.

 

 

Sex Spoken Here:  Non-Monogamy – Friends with Benefits

 

 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   This week we are talking about friends with benefits and other forms of non-monogamy.

 

Donna Davidge of Sewall House Yoga retreat is joining me today.  She has worked in the self-growth field for over 30 years, has a masters in nutrition, meditation, and yoga.  Donna spoke about writing an article for Yourtango.com on friends with benefits some years ago which was the impetus for this conversation. 

 

We talked about the fact that there are many different reasons to enter a friends with benefits relationship.  Some of these are casual relationships and others are relationships that are long standing .  She spoke about feeling that many times women aren’t aware of their motivation entering relationships of this type and that they might want a monogamous relationship but not be willing to admit that to themselves.

 

I clarified the differences between polygamy, polyandry, polyamory and other types of non-monogamy.  We spoke about the different challenges in relationships that are non-monogamous.

 

We talked about people over 50 entering relationships of this type because they do not want to give up their independence and don’t wish to have to compromise too many areas of their lives.  We spoke about how when someone is older, they may well have built a very full life around them and that the desire for a sexual partner and companion can be met through friends with benefits type relationships or other non-traditional relationship structures. 

 

Donna talked about how often people find relationship issues very difficult and that she believes it is particularly important for women to be really clear about their own wants and needs before entering into any relationship. 

                

Today we spoke about friends with benefits, non-monogamy, and sexual relationships when you are over 50.  If you were triggered or if this resonates with you, do email me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com .

 

Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/and click the button that says Schedule Now! on the contact page.

Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher if you enjoy the show.

I look forward to seeing you next week.

 

 

Dr Bisbey has called in sick, so please enjoy again Risk Assesment Part 3.

Sex Spoken Here: Risk Assessment Part 3

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

Today I am finishing my series about risk assessment in relationships.

We assess risks all the time.  Once we reach adulthood, we do most of our risk assessment without thinking.  When you are driving, you assess the risk of driving at a particular speed, of changing lanes, or driving in certain weather or traffic conditions.  We assess risk according to what we have learned about the risks inherent in any given situation.    We assess based on what we have learned from others, from books and other media, and from our own life experience.

All of us travel with baggage.  Some with just a carry on and others with whole steamer trunks.  The problem isn’t the baggage itself but rather the uninspected contents.  If you are unaware of your own patterns, your risk assessment will be faulty so you will make poorer choices.  For some this means choosing relationships that turn out to be abusive ones for others this means choosing partners who cheat and for some this means choosing relationship after relationship with people who abuse or are dependent upon substances.  We tend to choose what feels familiar to us.

I know my own patterns very well now as I have had lots of therapy, coaching and done other types of personal work.  It used to be that if I walked into a room of 300 people with only one alcoholic in the room, that would be the only person I was attracted to.  They would be the person that felt exciting, who smelled right to me.  Nowadays, I would be attracted to the people who have been clean and sober for more than 10 years, people who are adrenalin junkies and those who come from backgrounds where there was substance abuse but who have done their personal work.  I still like the edge but my pattern has changed because of the personal work I have done.  I recognise different qualities, different scents as attractive now.   The hardest thing for most of us is to admit we have made a mistake and this can get you injured or killed.

Gavin de Becker is an expert on security, threat assessment, and personal protection.  He wrote a book called The Gift of Fear that I highly recommend everyone read.  In this book, he talks about how far we as human beings have moved from our primal senses.  Fear is the body’s way of alerting us to danger.  Many people no longer pay attention to fear or to gut instincts in which they feel uncomfortable.   De Becker talks about how essential it is that we learn to reintegrate our primal senses as they will keep us safer and ignoring them may get us injured or killed.

Often people have an intense gut feeling and then talk themselves out of it.  You meet someone and you feel uncomfortable but you say to yourself ‘I’m being unfair’  or ‘I should give him a chance’.  It is amazing how often the gut instinct is correct.  I have interviewed many victims of sexual assault and rape over the years – some in therapy and others during my research on Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.  A full 60% of them have admitted to having a feeling that someone was ‘not right’ or a situation was ‘not safe’ and ignoring the feeling.  This lead them to blame themselves for their own assaults or rapes.  Self-blame is not useful in this situation.  What is though is to learn how important it is to pay attention to your hunches and gut instincts.  They are often correct because they are based on a whole host of perceptions that happen on a less than conscious level.

Many of the people I have seen over the years have ignored countless warning signs in relationships.  Last week I spoke with Dr Sue Mandel about the red flags she talks about with

Sex Spoken Here:  Sex and Being Trans – E’s Story

 

 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   This week I’m talking with E about being a pre-operative transsexual person and how this impacts sexual relationships.

 

E is at 20 year old trans male who lives in Texas who says he is a ‘huge nerd and adore Harry Potter.  I love to laugh and people tell me I am very deep.’

 

Welcome to the show. 

Erik spoke about being at the stage of saving for hormone treatment and feeling that it was a bit late at 20 years old.  He spoke about how awkward it can be having a female body and identifying as a male when trying to make sexual connections.  He spoke about the importance of people using the pronouns that the person identifies as the ones they prefer and how important talking about sex and gender is when meeting a prospective partner.  He said that he always looks to make sure that things are clear when he first meets someone and that though it is often awkward at the beginning it is less awkward than when this is left until just before something sexual happens.

 

Erik emphasised respect as one of the most important things when dealing with someone from a different gender identification.

 

Today we spoke about being a pre-operative transsexual, negotiating sexual relationships, If you were triggered or if this resonates with you, do email me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com .

 

Check out the KinkD app (@kinkDApp on Twitter) for all your kink connection needs.

 

Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/and click the button that says Schedule Now! on the contact page.

Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher if you enjoy the show.

I look forward to seeing you next week.

 

 

Susan Wright founded the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom in 1997, and currently serves as Chairperson and Director of Incident Reporting & Response. Susan also serves on the advocacy committees for AASECT, the Kink Clinician Guidelines, the Kink Knowledgeable Program, and the Diverse Sexualities Research Education Institute. Susan has conducted six surveys on discrimination and violence against BDSM practitioners; consent practices and attitudes; and the mental and physical health of BDSM and non-monogamy practitioners that have been published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, Journal of Sexual Medicine, Journal of Behavioral Health Services & Research, International Journal of Social Psychiatry, Journal of Trauma and Dissociation and Journal of Homosexuality.

 

In this two part talk, we started by speaking about the reasons for founding the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom and the projects they have been involved in.  Susan talked about the research that NCSF has done on BDSM, relationship styles, polyamory and consent and that these have been the largest surveys done so far.  The research has demonstrated the psychological health of people involved in these alternative relationships and alternative sexual practices and was part of the evidence that caused the APA to modify the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders –V so that the vast majority of people practicing BDSM and/or polyamory no longer qualify for a diagnosis of paraphilia in relationship to their sexual and relationship choices. 

 

We spent a lot of time talking about consent incidents and how we as a community identify these, manage these and apply sanctions.  Susan spoke about the groups that they work with.  The NCSF has developed a framework and a lot of resources for community groups and businesses around defining and dealing with consent incidents. 

 

We spoke about the NCSF’s role in educating law enforcement, psychologists and other mental health professionals.  NCSF hosts the Kink Aware Professionals list which is an international list of  mental health professionals, medical doctors, lawyers and other professionals who are kink aware.  The NCSF regularly educates professionals about BDSM and other alternative lifestyles and sexual practices.

 

We spoke about how important it is for individuals to be educated about consent and that some of the research that NCSF has done has found that 75% of consent violations happen with people who are in their first 3 years of being involved with BDSM. 

 

We spoke about how individuals and groups handle consent incidents and the differences between someone making an error and someone being a repeat offender.  We spoke about needing to get information first hand if you are to make a judgement on a situation and that one of the problems is that often people don’t have first hand information and are being asked to make a judgement.  We spoke about liability for people organising events and conferences and how important education is to limit liability and that decisions around excluding someone from an event are often taken because of liability issues.

 

NCSF has also educated people in the hospitality industry and made it possible for events and conferences to be held at these venues. 

 

We finished up recognising that we had not managed to cover all the topics we set out to cover and will be doing another show on custody and divorce soon.

 

Susan Wright can be found at www.ncsfreedom.org

Twitter @ncsf

Facebook: http:www.facebook.com/NCSFreedom

 

This week we talked about:  Consent violations,   consent definitions, education and the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF).  If any topics that we brought up caused you concern or triggered you, please write to me at

From the archives, have another listen to: Sexless Relationships Part 1

 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

 

Today I am starting my series on sexless relationships.  There are far more sexless long term relationships than you might imagine.  Here I am not referring to relationships that are sexless by choice.  These relationships become sexless for a wide variety of reasons and the impact on the overall relationship and the mental health of the people involved in the relationship is often intense.  Joining me today is Dr Zoe Shaw.  Dr. Zoe shaw is a licensed psychotherapist, relationship and Life coach, writer, speaker and radio talk show host. She helps struggling Superwoman ditch their stress, love their life And thrive in beautiful chaos by giving encouragement, tips, insight and skills to apply in all areas of their lives.

 

We started by talking about the fact that there are many more sexless relationships than people talked about.  Zoe talked about the fact that often the reasons for the lack of sex have nothing to do with sex per se.  She spoke about the fact that often clients won’t mention sex unless the therapist or coach asks about sex directly.  We spoke about the fact that the biggest problem is that couples don’t talk about sex and don’t talk about the problems when there are problems.

 

We spoke about desire being an issue that is sometimes physically based and that it can be important to see a doctor to find out.  We spoke about deciding to go ahead and try sex even when desire isn’t there – skipping desire and moving straight to the arousal stage – and that often people will find that they really enjoy sex when they do this.  Zoe highlighted the fact that this still takes a conversation.

 

Zoe mentioned that the person who says no often holds the power and that this can be abused.  We spoke about partners being afraid to reach out an initiate sex because they are concerned that they will be rejected.  We spoke about people sometimes feeling more comfortable talking to strangers where they feel they have nothing to lose.  Zoe also mentioned that if you are too emotionally intimate, feel like your partner is your best friend/brother/sister, the incest taboo can kick in and make desire for your partner difficult.  We spoke about how difficult conversations about vaginal pain and erectile dysfunction can be but that if you don’t talk about these things, the outcome for your relationship will be worse.  We spoke about how many couples never share their sexual desires and fantasies and how agreeing to do this can bring a new stage of excitement and discovery to your sexual relationship.

You can find Dr Zoe Shaw at

Website: www.drzoeshaw.com

Facebook: www.facebook.com/drzoeshaw

Twitter: @drzoeshaw

Instagram @drzoeshaw

Or check out the Dr Zoe Show on iTunes or Sticher.

 

Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  Why not join me for my upcoming free webinar 4 Secrets for Arousing and Igniting Your Authentic Sexual Self.

Click the link in the podcast notes to sign up or head to

Sex Spoken Here:  Relationship Resolutions

 

 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.  Happy New Year!  This week most people are making their New Year’s resolutions to try to get the year off to a great start.  Each year at this time, I like to make relationship resolutions.

 

When I work with couples, I spend time helping them to create a solid foundation to their relationship that includes clear routines and rituals.  Both routines and rituals help to create a solid rhythm for the relationship.  Rituals mark occasions in our relationships.  We use ritual to help create a safe and sacred space in which to celebrate or grieve.  Ritual provides us with ways to connect and reconnect.    Routines are equally helpful.  They provide a framework that keeps a relationship stable, helps people to be clear about roles and responsibilities and makes it easier for us to re-connect after conflict.

 

Traditional new year’s resolutions set out our intentions for the coming year.  Often they are focused around health and well-being.   The most common ones are losing x amount of weight, going to the gym (in order to lose x amount of weight and/or tone or build muscle), and quitting smoking and/or drinking.  

 

People are more likely to follow through on their resolutions and keep them up if they frame them as goals and create action steps that lead to the goal instead of just intentions.

In long term relationships, reviewing agreements and commitments and talking about desires, wants and needs is important if your relationship is to stay successful and to grow with you.   Reviewing this annually means that you are much more likely to catch issues early and be able to resolve them than if you only review when a problem arises. 

 

To make this easier, I created this framework for relationship resolutions.

Step 1:  Review your expectations

All relationships contain expectations.  Many times, these are unspoken and this is the source of many upsets and chronic conflicts.    In my work with people, I recommend examining expectations and making them clear and explicit.    Initially, this means that you have to look at your own expectations of your partner (or a potential partner).  To do this thoroughly, you have to look at expectations in relation to all areas of your life together.   For example: Expectations in relation to how your partner looks, takes care of themselves, looks after their health (including mental health), drug and alcohol use, diet (vegan? Meat eater?), time spent with you, time spent with family (yours, theirs), time spent with friends (yours, theirs), employment and finance, sex and intimacy, cooking, house cleaning and repairing, religion and spiritual, activities, holidays, children, future goals.   This is not my full list but should give you an idea of how detailed this activity can be.   For anyone interested in the full workbook, email me at mailto:drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com.

 

Step 2: Review your agreements

Review any agreements you have made.  Make sure highlight the ones you have kept and celebrate these.  The ones that have been broken should be examined and re-negotiated.  For anyone interested in the full workbook, email me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com .

 

Step 3:  Set your goals for your relationship for the year

Set goals for the mundane through to the extraordinary.

Examples of mundane goals:

Mary will do the ironing every week.

John will rinse dinner dishes and put them the dishwasher and wash all pots/pans each evening before bed.

Mary will walk the...

In time for New Year's Eve parties, just a reminder about consent.

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

Today I am starting my series on risk assessment in relationships with the topic of consent.  Consent is the foundation for all sexual agreements and relationships.   Some feel the current emphasis on consent is too intense and make fun of the idea of having to ask for permission each step of the way in a sexual encounter.  Others feel that we don’t take consent seriously and we make too many assumptions.

Joining me today to discuss this is Kitty Stryker.  Kitty Stryker is a Degenderette, writer, queer activist, and authority on developing a consent culture in alternative communities. She was the founder of ConsentCulture.com, a website that ran for 4 years as a hub for LGBT/kinky/poly folks looking for a sex critical approach to relationships, which will be relaunched on 2017. Kitty also cofounded the artsy sexy party Kinky Salon London, as well as being head of cosplay for queer gaming convention GaymerX. Having finished "Ask: Building Consent Culture", an anthology through Thorntree Press coming out in October, Kitty tours internationally speaking at universities and conferences about feminism, sex work, body positivity, queer politics, and more. She lives in Oakland, California with her wife, boyfriend, and two cats, Foucault and Nietzsche.

We started by talking about issues around consent and the reasons for Kitty starting ConsentCulture.com.    Kitty spoke about how hard it is for people to take responsibility and then look at changing behaviour.  She spoke about the problems in the alternative sexuality communities when consent violations occur.  Often calling the police makes things worse as the police are not necessarily friendly to kinky, LGBT or people of colour.  She spoke about the need for communities to come up with a clear plan to resolve these situations that don’t simply involve calling someone out and then isolating that person from the community.

We spoke about how hard it can be to give proper consent when alcohol or drugs are involved.  Kitty advises people to consider if they are willing to go to jail for the person and the activity they are about to undertake.  She highlights the fact that we all make mistakes in this area and violate consent.  It may be as simple as hugging an acquaintance who didn’t want to be hugged or as serious as rape.  We spoke about how it can be hard to draw your own boundaries and how this can be especially difficult if you are involved in power exchange. 

Kitty spoke about the reasons that people don’t use a safe word even when they should and said that she had done some research that found that often women refuse to do so because they want to please a partner and men are more likely to just want to be seen as tough.  She spoke about sitting down and actually looking at how her boundaries had been violated over the years and how she had just brushed this off rather than dealing with the issues.  We spoke about things like playing in a public situation and how difficult it is for people to find a way to protect themselves without feeling like they are causing drama in public.

We spoke about the trauma that perpetrators experience and the fact that they too need help to resolve any shame and guilt.  Kitty highlighted that when we talk about consent in sexual relationships it is only an opening conversation to discussing all the places in which we need to think about boundaries and consent in society.  She highlighted things like consent in medical situations, and where information is shared, and education.

Kitty’s book will come out in October.  If you want to pre-order, here is the link:

Sex Spoken Here: Sex Love Stories:  Isabelle Lauren

 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. 

 

Today I have another sex love story for you.  We will be talking about female sexuality, problems with libido and the joy of regaining it. 

 

Joining me is Isabelle Lauren.  She is a 40 year old married mother of two who loves blogging about sex.  She struggled with endometriosis for most of her adult life and has now experienced a sexual reawakening after a hysterectomy 18 months ago and is enjoying her newfound libido.  She is passionate about female sexuality.

 

Isabelle Lauren is a sex blogger who is passionate about promoting female sexuality.  She is a 40 year old married mother of tw who has experienced a sexual reawakening after having had a hysterectomy a year and a half ago.  She writes openly about sex on her blog, reviews the odd sex toy and writes some erotica.

 

I asked Isabelle to tell me about her background and culture.   She told me she is Dutch and was brought up in a conservative Christian home. 

 

I asked about her first sexual awareness and she said that she had no real sexual awareness before her first boyfriend at 19 years old as her family did not talk about sex.  She said that she was brought up that sex is for procreation only and that she was given the biological facts with very little else and no knowledge about pleasure at all. 

 

She described her first sexual experience as very pleasurable though looking back she was dismayed that the man had to teach her about her own body because she had no idea what orgasm was or what the feelings she was having were.  She said that after this relationship ended she met her husband who had a lot of sexual experience.  She described this as good for her at the time but again that she felt dismayed that she did not know about her own body.  She said they had an active sex life and high libidos.

 

Isabelle said that her endometriosis began when she was 12 and that she had considerable pain around her period.  She said that she had problems on and off and after the birth of her first child, she had treatment.  This helped but the growths came back following the birth of her second child and that becoming aroused would cause pain.  She later found out that this is because she also had growths in the uterine wall so anytime her uterus contracted (like with arousal) she experienced pain.  This led to a complete loss of libido and so her marriage became sexless for a number of years until she had a hysterectomy 18 months ago.  She spoke about how hard this was on their relationship and that she would give him oral sex yet she could not enter into it and allow herself to get turned on or she would experience pain.

 

Isabelle said that her libido returned as soon as she had the hysterectomy and she has been enjoying her renewed sex life with her husband.  She says that her libido is now higher than her husband’s libido and that she has discovered sex toys that are amazing.  She said she began to blog about sex and found a community of people who had similar experiences and how important it was to be able to talk with people about all aspects of sex and sexuality.  She talked about joining Scarlet Ladies and how much she enjoys the community.    She said that she and her husband are much closer now that they have been able to resume their sex life and spoke of being grateful that he stuck with her throughout this long ordeal.

 

You can find Isabelle at:

https://isabellelauren.com

https://twitter.com/romanticisa

 

Today we spoke about lack of libido, reawakening libido, endometriosis, and...

Sex Spoken Here: Sex Love Stories:  R

 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. 

Today we will be talking about bisexuality and BDSM.

Joining me is Rudo Mashongomende.  She is 33 years old, bisexual and she works in fashion. She has always been drawn to the world of BDSM but always felt, or was made to feel that it was a sordid world, so clearly she was perverted. She realises now that even as a teen she didn’t mind that, but finding like minded people, just to discuss it was the problem. She found Scarlet Ladies this year, and she was proudly part of their #italksex campaign. Turning 30 was very positive for her because she finally felt like she was in her prime, so she is allowing herself to do things she’s always been curious about. She went to her first Torture Garden last month, and she will now go to fetish events regularly, say once a every month or two. She has two subs whom she has just acquired, so she’s enjoying building dynamics with each of them. Being dominant feels so wonderfully natural, and is an effective outlet for the stresses of everyday life!

 

I asked Rudo to tell me about her background and culture.   Rudo is Black British and is proud of this identification.   She was raised Catholic and by choice attended church until she was 18.

 

I asked about her first sexual awareness and she told me that she first found she had an interest in some of the catalogue models in the men’s underwear section when she was about 11.  She spoke of noticing ‘the bulges’ and having a physical response and even cutting out one picture to keep.  She spoke about losing her virginity at 17 to a boyfriend and that this was a really positive experience.  We spoke about how lucky she was to have a positive first sexual experience and she says that she still remembers it well. 

 

Rudo talked about being heterosexual through university.   She told me she went to school in Brighton and that she went to a few gay bars and was aware of an attraction to women but didn’t want to act on it or even fully acknowledge this.  She spoke about moving back to London and living with a partner for 5 years and during that relationship telling him that she realised she was attracted to women and wanted to have a threesome to explore this attraction.   In the end, this didn’t happen and it wasn’t until after the relationship ended that she began to explore.

 

Rudo talked about finding a group through Meetup and making friends with bisexual women and that meeting people to experiment with flowed from here. 

 

From there, we spoke about her interest in BDSM.  She spoke about enjoying power exchange and enjoying being dominant.  She spoke about finding partners through the Whiplr app and we talked a bit about the use of apps to find partners.

 

Finally we talked about Scarlet Ladies and the #italksex campaign and 23 Paul Street.  Rudo spoke of her belief in gender equality especially when it comes to sex and desire.  She spoke of the importance of speaking out in public so that change happens.  We spoke about the joys of Scarlet Ladies and the wonders of 23 Paul Street.

 

You can find Rudo at:

https://www.scarletladiestalk.com/italksex-because-they-cant-we-can-and-we-should/

https://twitter.com/stylist_face

https://instagram.com/stylist_face

 

23 Paul Street is the Gentleman’s Club we discussed.

You can find out more about Scarlet Ladies

Sex Spoken Here: Sex Love Stories:  L

 

 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. 

 

In today’s story, we will cover bisexuality and non-monogamy.  Joining me is L who is a bisexual woman in a long term relationship with a man.  She has recently moved into a polyamorous way of living.

 

I asked L to tell me about her background and culture.  She described herself as a CIS gendered white woman who was Welsh and had Welsh as a first language.  She crossed the border to England at 16.  

 

I asked about her first sexual awareness and she said that she didn’t really have much of one as a child apart from the playing doctor type interactions.  She said that her first sexual experience was not pleasant and that looking back it was really non-consensual as she didn’t feel she could say no and she didn’t fully understand what was happening.   One theme of our conversation was the importance of education about pleasure and learning your own body so that you can communicate your needs to a partner.

 

L met her husband at 16 and they have been together since.  She spoke of always having an attraction to girls but not fully recognising this as a part of her until a few years ago.  She spoke of sharing this with her husband and then them talking about the possibility of opening the relationship.

 

L said at first that she simply wanted to share this part of herself with her husband and didn’t feel a need to act on anything.  Her husband didn’t want to be the reason that she did not explore this side of herself so they started the journey into non-monogamy.

 

L spoke of the changes they have experienced in the way they view non-monogamy and the ups and downs of making this transition.  She said that they both have on going relationships with others and that their relationship still remains central.  She spoke about the joy in sharing their experiences with each other and that they are closer now than before they chose to change their path.

 

We spoke about some of the issues around having a ‘primary’ relationship and the different responsibilities that come with being married to someone or cohabiting with someone.  L spoke about how much she enjoys the different experiences and that they have now had some experiences together which has also been a lot of fun.

 

 

Today we spoke about bisexuality, the transition to non-monogamy, and the importance of self-knowledge and self-love .  If you were triggered or if this resonates with you, do email me. In addition to emailing me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com for more information, you can find resources on the podcast pages as part of the podcast notes.

 

Check out these podcasts and blogs for more information:

Non-Monogamy with Cooper S Beckett

Non-monogamy with Dr Meg-John Barker Part 2

Non-monogamy with Dr Meg-John Barker Part 1

Freaked Out Your Partner Might Be Poly?

How do I Know if Polyamory is for Me?

 

Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

Write to me with suggestions for the show,...

By popular demand, here is a re-issue of my April 2017 interview with Cooper S Becket about non-monogamy and bisexual men.  

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here.  Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. Joining me today is Cooper Beckett.

Cooper S. Beckett is the co-founder and host of Life on the Swingset: The Podcast since 2010, author of swinging & polyamory novels A Life Less Monogamous and Approaching The Swingularity, and memoir My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory. He teaches and speaks on swinging, polyamory, pegging, play parties, and coloring outside the boundaries of your sexuality. He is a graphic & web designer, photographer, and voice over artist, has been a guest expert on Dan Savage’s Savage Lovecast, & is the announcer of Tristan Taormino’s radio show Sex Out Loud. He is currently working on two instructional non-fiction books, one about beginning non-monogamy, and another about pegging.

We started by talking about swinging and spoke about the swinging culture in the late 70’s early 80’s and how that went underground after the AIDS crisis began.  Cooper talked about the new renaissance that has existed since the internet has boomed and how much easier it is for people to find each other.  We spoke about the normative swingers – heterosexual male and a bisexual or bicurious female.  Cooper talked about how much more he has enjoyed having parties that are sex parties instead of swinging parties where there is a larger cross section of the non-monogamous community.  We spoke about the invisibility of the bisexual male and Cooper talked about the fear that heterosexual males demonstrate when confronted with male bisexuality but also about the attitude from some of the gay community that there is no such thing as bisexuality.  I agreed that this was also my experience and both of us spoke about the importance of identifying loudly as bisexual to educate others about bi-invisibility.  Cooper spoke about the prevalence of people who are ‘broken’ in some way in alternative communities and made it clear that he wasn’t talking damaged.  The example he used was the larger number of people with chronic illness who are seen in these communities and he suggested that people who have chronic illness look for things to make them feel less miserable and so explore more.  We spoke about how research in this area would be fascinating and he spoke about the need for research on prostate orgasm (as there is a suggestion of a correlation between regular prostate stimulation and lower levels of prostate cancer) but that there is no research money for any research on sexuality. 

Cooper’s book, Approaching the Swingularity has just been released.  Click the link to purchase from his site www.coopersbeckett.com.  (Though it can also be purchased on Amazon.  As he is an independent publisher, purchases from his site give him more of the price so please consider purchasing directly).  You can also find him on twitter @coopersbeckett. 

Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey.  Are you ready to find out what turns you on?  If so, take the test! https://the-intimacy-coach.com and press the button that says 'Take the Test'.  I look forward to seeing you next week with a new sex love story about polyamory and marriage.

Sex Spoken Here: Sex Love Stories 6:  Anita Cassidy

 

 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. 

 

Today is the sixth instalment of the sex love series.  Joining me today is author Anita Cassidy.  Anita describes herself as a white British woman, age 41 who grew up moving around a lot because her father was in the Royal Air Force. 

 

We started with her first awareness of herself as a sexual being and she said that this wasn’t until she was 14 or 15.  She said she didn’t touch herself and that sex wasn’t talked about in her home.  She described her first awareness as noticing her body’s response to movies (and being uncomfortable watching them with her parents), enjoying the Sunday Sport images of naked women and stories about sex and described saving enough pennies to try to listen to the women talk on the phone sex lines. 

 

Anita said her first proper sexual experience was when she was 17 and with a boyfriend.  She spoke about being ready to have sex and being excited to explore this new chapter of her life.  She talked about the next number of boyfriends she had where the relationships were good and the sex was pleasant if not exciting.   She spoke about stable relationships through university and then moving to London and moving in with her boyfriend.

 

Anita spoke about her first job in advertising sales for the Independent and that the atmosphere at work was very sexually charged and she enjoyed this.  She commented that this is interesting given current focus on sexual harassment and whether there is any place for sex and relationships in the workplace.   She talked about a period of time spent exploring and how much she enjoyed this and being the centre of attention.

 

Anita talked about reaching 26 and deciding it was time to be serious so that she was taken seriously.  She identifies this time as when she truly split her mind from her body and that she didn’t believe she could have both and exciting sexual life and a serious career.  Anita spoke of marrying and that the sex was ‘good enough’ but not really exciting.  She said that she was pregnant within 6 months of marriage and the focus became on having a family.  She said that they were not a couple who had no sex for many months and that they talked about making sure they were still having sex but said that they never talked about sexual desires, wants or needs.  Anita highlighted this as a theme throughout her life up to that point.

 

Anita spoke of realising she was bored and unhappy once her children were both in school and child care.  She said she ended up in a conversation with a man she met through her writing and that this was when she discovered kink and BDSM.  She described this as though someone had ‘walked through (my) mind and turned all the lights on’.  She spoke of reading Dr Meg-John Barker’s ‘Rewriting the Rules’ and asking her husband to read the book as well.  She talked about the painful conversation that led to them opening up their marriage.

 

Anita talked about finally integrating her sexual needs and desires and how amazing this is.  She spoke of this transforming the rest of her life.

Anita’s book is available to pre-order now on Amazon.  Here is the link:

Appetite

 

Today we spoke about being kinky, BDSM, Master/slave relationships, non-monogamy, the importance of congruence and communication, the wonders of being raised without shame around sexuality. If you were triggered or if this resonates with you, do email me. In addition to emailing me at

Sex Spoken Here:  Sexual Harassment, #metoo and the impact on current society from flirting to parenting

 

 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. 

 

When the headlines broke about Harvey Weinstein, my first response was an internal sigh that in the 21st century men still feel free to oppress women.   As more and more women stood up to say #metoo, I found myself filling with rage as it became clear that this was the status quo rather than an anomaly. 

Then as the allegations spread to other prominent men in Hollywood, in politics my rage turned to despair at how pervasive the harassment and intimidation is.

 

Initially, this played out over gender lines.  Prominent men sexually harassed women.  The focus was on entertainment and the arts and then it moved to politics.    Everyone agreed that this happened in companies and corporations too.    Then the allegations from men began.  Thus far these allegations have been against other men.  However, I have worked with many men who have been sexually harassed and assaulted by women over the years and women as well. 

 

This is because sexual harassment is not about sex.  It is about power.  Sir John Emerich Edward Dalberg-Acton’s best known remark was ‘Power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely.  Great men are almost always bad men’.    Is this so or does power just tend to bring out a person’s pre-existing ethical standards?   Research suggests that power allows the true self to emerge.   Other research highlights the paradox of power which is that the personality traits that allow the person to gain power seem to disappear as soon as control is gained.  To gain power, you have to court the favour of the people who can put you in power.  However, people in power have more choices.  They are less likely to consider the position or situation of others as they did when they were trying to gain power.  This is, in part, because they are not expected to consider others.      When someone gains power, other people are often seen in terms of what they can do for the one in power and if the battle for power was a harsh one, they can be seen as the spoils of war. 

 

Why else does power corrupt?  It inflates the ego and encourages us to act from unconscious or subconscious desire.  It grants license to act decisively seemingly without a concern about the consequences because people in power can feel they are insulated from responsibility.   People become hypocrites.  They may know the right thing to do but power allows them the ability to more easily rationalise unethical behaviour. 

 

French philosopher Paul-Michel Foucault addressed the relationship between power and knowledge by looking at power dynamics and how they are used as a form of social control.  He emphasised that power changes our thinking drastically and that this in turn changes our behaviour.   If we are to address the pattern of sexual harassment in our society, we must address the changes in thinking that power creates.  In order to make any substantive changes, we have to deconstruct our long term ways of thinking about men and women, about the benefits of power, the permissions that power grants in any industry.  We need to look at the perceived rewards of reaching a place of power.  

 

We also need to look at our definitions of personal boundaries.  These are the limits and rules that people create to identify acceptable and safe ways for others to interact with them and behave towards them and how they will react when other people violate those boundaries.  Boundaries are made up from our beliefs, attitudes, past experiences and societal norms.  Jacques Lacan saw these boundaries as layered in hierarchies from the

Sex Spoken Here: Sex Love Stories 5:  Dr Sam Webster

 

 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. 

 

Today is the fifth instalment of the sex love series.  Joining me today is Dr Sam Webster, Master of Divinity and Mage, my oldest friend. I started by asking Sam when he first became aware of his sexual self.  Sam told met this had two answers.  The first was at 5 or 6 when he became aware of his body and how good he could feel and the second was when he assigned the idea of sex to that and realised that other sex was interesting which was as a teen.  I asked Sam  to tell me about his background and culture.  He told me that he was born in New York and lived in the Bronx and when the neighbourhood changed his parents moved them to Long Island.  Sam grew up in a neighbourhood that was Italian Catholic, Irish Catholic and Jewish. He spoke of loving the ritual but not liking the hypocrisy.

 

We spoke about meeting at the beginning of university and of exploring together.  Sam talked about only recently understanding that he is gender fluid and how powerful this has been.  He said that I was his first consensual polyamorous relationship and I agreed.  We spoke about some of the difficulties of polyamory and some of the joys. 

 

I asked Sam about his bisexuality and he told me that growing up it was made clear that sex between men was not acceptable, was sinful.  Sam said he was bullied for a number of other reasons so he chose not to add same sex relationships to the mix at that time.  He spoke about how hard it was first to allow himself to fully feel these sexual feelings and then to find partners.  We spoke about a couple of the experiences he has had.

 

Sam spoke about how his spiritual development in Thelemic magick was very much tied in with his sexuality and what it was like when this was the case – the power of the mix but also the issues it creates.  We spoke about coming full circle or rather around the spiral helix again.  

 

We spoke of the importance of communication and of work on oneself and frequently people are afraid to do that work.  I asked about when he realised he was kinky and he laughed and we talked of starting to explore that together and how when you look at all these pieces it can be really hard to find partners to meet these needs and also that we both had a line of pretty bad choices.

 

Sam talked about how supportive and nourishing his current relationship is and we discussed finally being in a place to make a good choice.

 

 

Today we spoke about being gender fluid, being bisexual, being non-binary in general, kink, BDSM, Master/slave relationships, non-Christian and non-monotheistic spirituality, sex magick and sexual trauma. If you were triggered or if this resonates with you, do email me. In addition to emailing me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com for more information, you can find resources on the podcast pages as part of the podcast notes.

 

Check out these podcasts and blogs for more information:

B is for Bisexual

BDSM dating

D/s Relationships

Consent

Communication

Gender Fluid

Risk Assessment in Relationships

Thanks...

 

 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   

 

This week I am interviewing Mason deRou.  Master Mason deRou is a primal Master who began his walk into the public kink scene in 2009.  He has dominion over Miss Kimi deRou and together they form La Maison deRou.  Mason is also the commander of La Meute de Rougaroux (the Rougarou Pack).  He is a uniform fetishist, pony trainer, erotic photographer and also loves the littles.  Mason leverages his relative y9outh to build bridges among several kinky tribes and subcultures, allowing the voices of both past and current generations of kinksters to be heard.  Mason has presented at BESS, Black Rose, CLUE, Weekend Reunion and several MaST chapters.  Mason is the president of the Master-Dominant Consortium and is one of the founding members of the Leather Houses of Color Coalition.  He is a member of MAsT DC Pan and MAsT Washington and is also an alumnus of the MTTA Academy (Master Training XX).  Mason resides in southern Maryland.

 

 

 

Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/and click the button that says click here! on the contact page.

Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher if you enjoy the show.

I look forward to seeing you next week.

Sex Spoken Here: Sex Love Stories 4:  A

 

 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. 

 

Today is the fourth instalment of the sex love series.  I asked A to tell me about his background and culture.   A is in his late 60’s and grew up in an orthodox Jewish community in apartheid South Africa.  He talked about it being illegal to show a woman’s breasts in a film and in fact nudity was ‘verboten’.  He said that having playboy magazine could get you arrested.  A told me that they had one day of education in school to talk about how babies were made and that girls were not expected to enjoy sex at all.  Girls were expected to have sex for procreation and men were to enjoy sex.  He told me that there was a lot of shame around anything to do with intimacy.

 

A spoke about his first sexual experience being when he discovered himself in the bath and found he could create pleasure.    I asked about where he learned more about sex and he told me he was a voracious reader.  He told me he found a book on sex in marriage at a bookstore and bought it.  This is where he learned the knowledge that has allowed him to create pleasure for his partners.  He described the book as having line drawings as if it had pictures it would have been banned. 

 

In an aside, A told me that the book Black Beauty was banned because these decisions were made by people who spoke Afrikans  and that they thought the book was about a beautiful black woman which was unacceptable.  They did not know it was about an horse!

 

I asked A about his first sexual experience and he told me he was 17 when he had sex for the first time with a girl he was in a relationship with.  He described the experience as fumbling but pleasureable.  He said he could not find where to put his penis because the drawings suggested the vagina was directly in front of the body rather than underneath. 

 

A told me that he enjoyed most of his intimate experiences.  He spoke of preferring to talk about intimacy rather than sex because for him, a relationship is required.  He said that this is the reason he never used the services of sex workers. 

 

I asked A about the worst sexual experiences he ever had.  He told me that one woman he was in a relationship with got up and walked out in the middle of sex a few times.  He said she never gave an explanation and he spent a year trying to figure out what was wrong, talking with her and trying to work things out.  She had no interest in talking about anything so he ended the relationship.  Years later, A learned about passive aggressive personality disorder and then understood that this had nothing to do with their sex life and everything to do with the relationship.

 

The second experience A described was when a woman he slept with wanted to ‘control everything’.  He said that he did not enjoy being dominated and did not wish to dominate anyone.  He prefers ‘togetherness’ so he ended that relationship. 

I asked about the best sexual experiences he has had and A told me that as long as his partner is satisfied he feels wonderful.    I asked him for three pieces of advice he would give people in order to have great sex.  A said he was addressing men first.  The first piece of advice he got from the book he red at 14 and that is foreplay is essential for women to be ready for intimacy.  He remembered that the book said 7 minutes at least so his advice is ‘Always spend at least 7 minutes, preferably more, at foreplay.’  The second piece of advice was ‘Find out what your partner wants and do that.  Focus on your partner’s pleasure’ and the third was ‘Be kind.’  He spoke of women being ‘fragile underneath the armour’ that they show to the world.  His advice to

Sex Spoken Here: Sex Love Stories 3:  TJ

 

 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. 

 

Today is the third instalment of the sex love series.  I have invited my husband, TJ Scott is retired teamster who worked for 26 years at Omega Cinema Props, the largest privately owned prop house in the US. He is a part time percussionist and artist.  He currently works at Otford Boarding Kennels in Kent, UK.

 

I asked TJ to tell me about his background and culture.  TJ describes himself as an African American military brat and a southerner.

 

TJ spoke about his first sexual awakening at age 5 and his first experience at age 7 playing more than just doctor with a 9 year old friend of his sister’s.  He spoke about losing his virginity – twice. 

 

TJ spoke about being a bisexual man, being polyamorous and being kinky.  He spoke about a first marriage where sex was only happening if he was role playing one of his many Dungeons and Dragons characters.  When his first wife refused to have sex with him without the role play, the sex in the marriage ended.  He spoke about his second marriage where sex never really happened. 

 

TJ spoke about being in our marriage – being able to express all of his sexual sides and that he looks forward to exploring more together in the future until we are two old and wrinkly raisins in the bed telling folks to go away because we ain’t dead yet.

 

Today we spoke about masturbation, bisexuality, virginity, Baptist culture and the impact on relationships, BDSM, sexless marriages and non-monogamy.  If you were triggered or if this resonates with you, do email me. In addition to emailing me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com for more information, you can find resources on the podcast pages as part of the podcast notes.

 

Check out these podcasts and blogs for more information:

B is for Bisexual

Sexless Relationships 1

BDSM dating

Virginity

D/s Relationships

Polyamorous D/s Relationships

 

You can find TJ’s art at:

https://urceleb.deviantart.com/

Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. I have a TV channel on the BonBonNetwork For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/and click the button that says Schedule Now! on the contact page.

Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher.

The next five people who leave a review on iTunes or Stitcher will receive a 10% discount on any of my services.

I look forward to next week’s sex love story.

 

 

Sex Spoken Here: Littles and Bigs and Age Play  TRIGGER WARNING

 

 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

 

Today I am starting my series on littles, bigs and age play.  This area of kink often really upsets people.  Many people see it as related to paedophilia which it is not or related to sexual abuse.    There are many layers to this area so I will spend a few weeks examining them in as much detail as I can.

 

Joining me to start the discussion is Kathleen Melch. 

Kathleen Melch is a leatherwoman within the BDSM community. She has been publicly involved with the community for the last 15 years as an educator and a title holder. She considers the subject of Littles as her primary specialty. Uncovering her own little in her early twenties, it is her mission and joy to guide people who are littles, Bigs and the larger community.

   

Kathleen started by making the distinction between age play which is adults choosing to take on the persona of a child – more like a role play – and littles where people are actually psychologically and emotionally regressing to a particular age.  She made the point that in age play, consent is possible but that in her opinion with littles it is not.  She highlighted that this is because of the complete regression.  Kathleen said that littles are usually between age 3 and 8 and that middles are 8 to the tweens and that bigs are the people who look after/care for the little.

 

Flowing from her point about consent, Kathleen made clear that in her view there should be nothing sexual between a big and a little as that is incest and could be traumatising or re-traumatising.  She was clear that she does not see littles and bigs as a kink as a result.   She spoke about the explosion of littles on the BDSM kink scene in the last 10 years and that this has led to difficult situations where the space for littles is placed in the dungeon or in a sexual play space.  Kathleen was clear that she doesn’t think this is appropriate as you wouldn’t expose your 6 year old to an adult sexual space and it is essentially the same as the little, who is psychologically regressed, is in the mind space and emotional space of the child.

 

We spoke about the grey areas that fall between littles/bigs and age play.  For example, two littles playing doctor is age appropriate sexual play.   Spanking can be a grey area as the sexual pleasure encoding may have happened during a childhood incident in which there was no sexual content intended (e.g The adult was not sexually aroused.  They were administering punishment).  And spoke about the fact that some people choose to re-enact a scene from their own sexual abuse background in order to try to heal.  

 

We spoke in great detail about the discomfort of people who are not interested in little/big relationships sharing adult space and the problems sex educators have when dealing with these relationships.  Kathleen was clear that she is very protective of littles and seeks to keep them safe in adult spaces. 

 

Kathleen spoke about the need for bigs and adults who are engaging in age play to have education around the age regression and how to bring someone back to the adult age as well as around symptoms of trauma and dissociation. She spoke about the fact that after care is usually much more extensive in these situations.

We spoke about the enjoyment people get out of age play and how some people find it extremely exciting...

Sex Spoken Here: Sexless Relationships Part 2

 

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.

 

Today I am continuing my series on sexless relationships.  Last week I was joined by Dr Zoe Shaw.  If you didn’t hear that one, go check it out.  This week I am joined by Dr Jane Guyn is a best selling author of "Too Busy to Get Busy - How to Fix Your (Almost) Sexless Relationship" - a practical book for couples who want to go deeper in their relationship, even if it's been a rocky road. She is the creator of the research based BEDROOM™ approach to increasing pleasure and satisfaction using 7 simple steps.

 

Jane Guyn is a Doctor of Human Sexuality, Professional Sex Coach, Core Energy Coach and registered nurse. She is also trained as a family planning nurse practitioner. She coaches individuals and couples who are ready to have the loving, passionate relationship they’ve always imagined. Jane has been passionately married for over 30 years. She lives in the beautiful mountain town of Bend, Oregon.

 

We started by talking about the numbers of sexless relationships.  Jane told us that a sexless relationship is defined as having sex 6 or less times per year and that 40% of cohabiting and 30% of married couples live in sexless relationships.  We talked about the lack of education that adds to creating this situation and the fact that people don’t learn to communicate about desire and their expectations are often so low that these issues are swept under the carpet.

 

We spoke of the taboo of talking about lack of libido and other sexual problems and the fact that people have no idea where to go for help.  We agreed that intensive work (Jane offers a VIP day for couples like I do) is often better because you make more progress quickly.  Jane highlighted the fact that there is a small window of hope and that if a couple doesn’t make progress quickly enough that window can close.

 

Jane spoke briefly about her BEDROOMÔ model briefly as a model that starts with the head to help people make sense of the issues they are encountering and then move from the head to the feelings and the body to solve the issues.   B is for barriers and she says that this is the place to start – looking at various barriers people have to having the sex life they desire.

 

We spoke about the fact that desire has no age limit and that there are no limits on sexual activity either.  She told the story of a couple in their 80’s where the woman got a broken hip during intercourse.  We spoke about the false ideas people have about sex after the age of 50.  We spoke about the communication and negotiation problems even people in the beginning of their sexual lives have because of not learning how to talk about emotions and to communicate with connection.

 

Jane has a 5 module course for women to help them create the sexual lives they desire that is starting now.  The course includes private group coaching and videos and can be found here.

 

 

 

You can find Dr Jane Guyn at

Website: www.jayneguyn.com

Facebook: www.facebook.com/drjayneguyn

Twitter: @pleasure_plan

 

Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook..  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the