Sex Ed Before Bed – Details, episodes & analysis

1 in 5 university-enrolled women will experience attempted or completed rape. Rape is one of the most underreported crimes - 10% are reported. 

A world without rape. A world where sexual violence is rare. This is the goal of Sara's work on Flip the Script, a new Canadian sexual assault prevention program for young cis and trans women to assess, acknowledge and act. This episode is a must-listen for every parent and every young woman. 

We talked about how the program works and the positive impact it has had so far. We talked about how young women want to have these conversations about setting boundaries, understanding coercion and pondering what pleasure looks like for them. 

We also talked about radical self-love and for women, trusting our gut! 

Resources We Chatted About 

Globe and Mail Article 

Draw The Line 

Loveisrespect.org

Sexual Assault Centres Near You 

Follow Sara's Work

Insta @girls.resist

Twitter @girls_resist

About Flip the Script

Sexual Assault Resistance Education (SARE) Centre

With great attraction comes great sex, forever, right? Not so much. 

Jessica Maxwell studies relationships and sex for a living. With Canadian roots, she's now an assistant professor at the University of Auckland. I learned things from her that I started applying to my own life as soon as the conversation ended.

Topics of discussion

• Sexual fixed mindset vs. growth mindset
• What factors play into long-term relationship satisfaction? 
• How often are people having sex?
• Who else is thinking about how often people are having sex?
• A neat quiz to tell your partner what you want in bed (or out of it)
• The Orgasm Gap 
• What's the best way to meet someone we're compatible with? 
• How scientific are dating apps? 
• Double standards & myths 

Fun Stuff

Sex preferences quiz | Mojo Upgrade 

Learn More 

• Jessica's website

List of researchers Jessica mentioned along with media coverage of their work: 

• Terri Fisher | LA Times | Who lies more about sex, men or women? 
• Sam Joel | The Cut | It's All Too Easy to Ignore Relationship Dealbreakers
• Amy Muise | Science Daily | Couples who have sex weekly are happiest 
• Lindsey Hick | Global News | Are you lying to yourself about how much sex you need in your relationship? 

Wes Heney was born female. That is, he had the anatomic composition or body of a person most people would see as female. As Wes reached puberty, he grew breasts that he detested. He dressed like a guy and wanted to be treated as such. He sensed a profound disconnect between his body (anatomic sex) and who he felt he was - his gender identity.

In episode 4, Wes tells the unforgettable full story. I ask some basic questions about:

What's it like taking testosterone?  What kind of stigma did you encounter?  What was your transition process?

The theme song is Little Lily Swing by Tri-Tachyon. 

Veronica is a social psychologist, and the owner of The Nookie, a downtown Toronto sensuality shop. V describes her escape from corporate life into value-based entrepreneurship, manifested in a sex shop that urges all genders to seek more pleasurable experiences. 

The theme song is Little Lily Swing by Tri-Tachyon. Edited for time and volume. http://freemusicarchive.org/music/Tri-Tachyon/Little_Lily_Swing/Tri-Tachyon_-_01_-_Little_Lily_Swing

So what does a sex therapist do?

Matthew Ridley is a Pre-Clinical Fellow with the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy and holds an M.Sc. from the University of Guelph in Couple and Family Therapy.

In episode 3, Matthew and I talk about how he provides queer and sex-positive sex therapy for couples and singles and address these questions and way, way more:

Is there a "normal" when it comes to sex? How can refuting ideas about how we think sex is supposed to be ignite our private lives? Is porn bad for you/your relationship?

Who knows? You might get some complimentary therapy along the way ;)

The theme song is Little Lily Swing by Tri-Tachyon. Edited for time and volume. http://freemusicarchive.org/music/Tri-Tachyon/Little_Lily_Swing/Tri-Tachyon_-_01_-_Little_Lily_Swing

Carly is a sex educator, she visits schools to teach Ontario’s relatively new sex education curriculum, launched in September 2015. Carly also remembers the old sex ed curriculum, you know, the one that hasn’t changed since 1998. That one. Carly talks about how the new curriculum is lightyears ahead of the old, the challenges she has with it, and what she enjoys about the work she does.

The theme song is Hungaria by Latché Swing. Edited for time and volume. http://freemusicarchive.org/music/Latch_Swing/demo_2008/Hungaria

Whitney Wilson manages the Domestic Violence Court Referral Program at The John Howard Society. When a person is charged with domestic violence, they might attend a program run by her to help them challenge their attitudes and behaviours.

So what causes domestic violence? As Whitney explains, it has to do with upbringing but also the way society strictly defines masculinity. Most domestic violence offenders are male and, as she explains with eloquence, men don’t think they’re allowed to express negative emotions, aside from anger. As Whitney reveals, anger is a secondary emotion, it’s driven by something else. This is a fascinating analysis of how social constructs can factor into violence.

It’s not all heavy. Hear the rehabilitative tactics Whitney uses to help clients amp up their empathy and unearth a deeper sense of what it means to “be a man”.

The theme song is Take Me Now by Nick Chapman. 

In 2019, I traveled to South Africa and Namibia. While visiting Cape Town, I went on a Township Tour with Lele Mbinda and visited his hometown of Langa just outside Cape Town. Lele opened my eyes to not only how people live day to day in Langa, but also how sex is viewed by adults and youth. Heads up that this episode includes a discussion about rape. 

We talked about the following topics as they pertain to Langa Township: 

• the intersection of poverty, class, race, intergenerational differences and culture in how residents talk or rather, do not talk about sex
• the many obstacles to speaking openly about sex and asking questions
• dating for young people 
• the impact of menstruation on young women
• lack of awareness regarding harassment and rape
• suggestions for how to move forward and create more open dialogue 
• local perspectives on LGBTQ folk 
• STEM programming for youth
• The iThuba Project

Learn More 

Episode Sources

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Langa,_Cape_Town

https://www.westerncape.gov.za/general-publication/teenage-pregnancy

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-africa-45889366

https://hivhealthclearinghouse.unesco.org/library/documents/sexuality-education-south-africa-three-essential-questions

Jessica Ruano is the director of The Ghomeshi Effect, a dance-theatre performance about sexual violence and the legal system in Canada. 

This interview stayed with me long after I stopped recording. With the proliferation of #metoo narratives in the media, this conversation is a much-needed dissection of sexual violence from several vantage points. Jessica doesn't give quick and easy answers, instead, she approaches this murky issue meticulously, using stories and research to punctuate her points. 

Together, we grappled with these questions and more: 

• What kinds of people commit sexual violence?
• Are there good people and bad people? 
• Is it possible to reconcile our perception of a "good" person with something horrible they've done?
• Is it possible for someone who has raped someone else to atone for it and/or be forgiven? 
• How much do we want to exclude people who have committed such acts and with what goal in mind?
• Can or should a guilty person be brought back into a community? 
• Does ostracizing the guilty help the problem? 
• How common are false rape accusations, really?
• How can art heal survivors? 

Links

The Ghomeshi Effect

Hannah Gadsby's Nanette Trailer

Ottawa Coalition to End Violence Against Women

Intro & Outro Music

The theme song is Rise and Shine by Audiobinger. Edited for time and volume. 

A fascinating discussion with Rick Goodwin. Rick is at the forefront of Canadian programming for men who have experienced sexual and/or physical childhood abuse. The statistics and the impact are alarming to say the least. Rick relays two decades of experience in a concise way and we still found time to talk about #metoo, Netflix, the US military and more. 

Here's a snap of what you'll learn:

• When men experience trauma, how long do they tend to keep it secret?
• What is emotional integrity and why are more men interested in it now?
• How is #metoo impacting male survivors of sexual violence?
• How do ideas about Western masculinity foster a sense of shame for men?
• How does trauma impact the lives of men and the people around them and what can survivors do to start healing?

Links

Men and Healing

1in6

The Bristlecone Project