Explore every episode of the podcast Says Who?

It’s a new week in these new times, and you know what that means: MORE BULLSHIT! 

But in the middle of the chaos, there is a light! People are striking back! It’s time for some delicious sabotage. Everyone is welcome to participate! Or perhaps you, dear SaysWhovian, would like to run DOGE? Opportunities abound.

Yes, it is bad, but people are doing the work. Take heart. Play bingo. Break their stuff.

Come on, SaysWhovia. Let’s go find some Teslas.

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Somehow, SaysWhovia, we are still in the first month of this thing. Everything happens so much all the time now. 

But hark! 

Does Dan here clown goings-on in New York City? He does. Which means that it’s time to talk to Maureen about her home, the Greatest City In The World, the one with the clown crime mayor, the magic rocks, the rats, the endless construction, and the newest invention—the trash can. Because if Dan can’t clown on New York, then what CAN he do?

Chicago has news too. Chicago has better news, Dan wants Maureen to know.

Meanwhile…everything. But, this is about coping! Let’s get together and get a big green tower! Join us! Come in from the cold!

Hold hands and stay together at all times, SaysWhovia. There be dragons.

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Have you ever made a list, SaysWhovia? Stuff you need from the store. Ingredients for dinner. Things you need to do. Things to pack. Ways to undo all American institutions by basically letting a bunch of fascist raccoons into the attic? Well, Dan has made a list of all the things that happened this week. No. He made a list of SOME of them, because no one has the whole list. And he has decided to read this list to Maureen. Only he knows why. IT IS A VERY BAD LIST.

On the plus side—bingo! And a visit from a shoe. And apparently Dan was wiretapped once?

Let’s take Dan’s phone away, SaysWhovia. Just for a little while.
 

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OK, so yeah, things could be better. 

Elon's little fash dipshits are running around, and it sure does seem like America is coming to an end, but Maureen has a new boyfriend!

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Apparently it’s been a week?
 

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Sayswhovians! Yes, Trump was inaugurated again this week. Yes, Elon Musk threw up a nazi salute. Yes, everything has gone to full shitshow very quickly. And yes, Maureen is sick.

But, she's hopped up on just enough of the good drugs to record an impromptu episode with Dan this afternoon after they had to cancel their regularly schedule one due to illness.

So, hello, it is a new era. It sucks. We are glad you are with us.

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There’s a lot going on, SaysWhovia. While Dan and Maureen will get into some of it (with appropriate content markers around one subject so you can listen safety!)—they spend a lot of time in the land of dissociation, where the main subjects are radio jingles, cigarettes, and weird birds. On this ground, we will build our city.

We got this, SaysWhovia. We’ll stick together. Don’t get frannick.

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Gather close, SaysWhovia. Dan and Maureen have built a shelter. It’s made of blankets and pillows. Come in and hide with us. Oh, except Dan is back reading the news again. A lot of it is bad! But also, Rudy is in a lot of trouble, so that is nice. We can enjoy that. Also, let’s play “which former Trump flunkies are the most nervous right now?"

But also, let’s get serious about the compound. WHO WANTS TO LIVE IN A TRAIN STATION?

Choo choo!

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*party blower* Welcome to 2025, SaysWhovia! Let’s go into this together, the third Trump era, full of LOVE and TOGETHERNESS and BINGO.

Yes. It’s time to play bingo. And make space.

Get your cards ready. Let’s do this one together.

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2024 is coming to an end. What a year! It started with…

Um…

Maureen remembers something about a scorpion. Dan was in his car. Trump got shot when it was hot out? Something, something, something. And now we’re here? Why can’t we remember? Let’s take a look back at the year our brains made us forget!

Don’t look back, SaysWhovia. The Doom Buggy doesn’t go in reverse.

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There’s a chill in the air, SaysWhovia! We’ve entered the holiday season! Everyone is out on the streets, bustling about in their coats and hats, carrying their bags—their holiday shopping! Their groceries for holiday meals! Their manifestos!

Yes. Dan and Maureen are going to talk about our strange National Catharsis, the surreal week in which an assassin named Luigi left clues all over NYC and the NYPD took a walk in the park. And somehow, it always comes back to McDonalds.

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It’s the week after Thanksgiving and the start of the holiday season. Maureen is still in Philadelphia and she is…That’s the whole sentence. She is. Dan is concerned. But Maureen has a plan. She’s found a great organization to join and she’d like to tell everyone about it. Dan is unconvinced.

Dan wants to talk about the news, which is also not a good idea. But it’s time, perhaps, to wade into these dark and fetid waters. At least we can begin with something nice—Rudy is on trial and he’s having a terrible time. He’s been under the bus for a while now, and he may never come out. Dan walks us through the rogues gallery of weirdo and sycophants that will make up our new government, but time and time again we must return to the question: why didn’t Rudy make the cut? Have you *seen* these people? Come. We will meet them together. And we will watch the wheels on the bus go round and round over Rudy.

We’ve put out warm blankets, SaysWhovia, and there is hot chocolate to go around. Come cope with us. And maybe you’d like to try these new supplements. And this raw milk.

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Pull up a chair, SaysWhovia! The Thanksgiving feast is about to begin! It’s all going well. Well, maybe Dan has too many jobs. And maybe Maureen is a bit fried. And maybe things aren’t as great as they could be. But we have each other. We have Stanley tumblers. And we have the Great American Fridgescape.

Gobble, gobble.

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Welcome SaysWhovia. Sit down with us on the porch here. Grab a cushion or a blanket. Settle in. We’re going to PROCESS.

Let’s do it together!

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Ummmmmm. 

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SaysWhovians, it's a different kind of Says Who episode for a different kind of day. Join Dan and Maureen for election day at Disneyland. Told in chronological order from the sunny start of the day to an end seemingly spinning into oblivion. Ride rides, go on walks, spend some time with Maureen and Dan. Nothing can stop us now. 

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SaysWhovians! It's the THIRD Trump election we've spent together. 

Buckle up buttercup.

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It’s here, SaysWhovia. Please drive through.
 

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The musical episode you’ve been waiting for (???) is finally here. Let’s break down the playlist of DJ T.

Get ready to dance, SaysWhovia. Very slowly. Very, very slowly.

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Maureen’s coming in from the Big Apple. The big, extremely wormy apple. The one where everyone who runs it has been arrested for criming. Dan is showing remarkable restraint. Also, before getting to the news, Maureen discusses the Big Grift of late stage capitalism: the subscription.

But then, on to more news. Like politicians doing more criming! Donald Trump gets in with some crypto bros and enters the Bible business, which is the most sense 2024 has ever made.

This devolves into WHO WILL WIN, as we are now LESS THAN A MONTH AWAY from our great national nightmare, the 2024 election. And it’s a squeaker. So it’s back to talking Disney and Stanley Cup accessories.

Keep your hand on your wallet, SaysWhovia. It’s Stanktown.

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It was a long night. It is over. Maureen and Dan try and sort it out.

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Sayswhovians!

Longtime listeners might remember waaaaay back to 2016, back when Maureen and Dan were little babies trying to put out a podcast about an election. And they got smart people to help them understand what was going on. Reporters! People who Knew Stuff!

Yeah, they don't do that anymore for waves hands in all directions reasons. 

But what if one of those old guests became news instead of reporting the news. What then?

Also, the gubenatorial candidate for North Carolina turns out to be a grade-A creep. Who'd have guest.

Hang onto your sacks. 

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We’re nine years old! We did it! Dan cannot believe it. He really, really can’t. 

He also can’t believe that someone ELSE tried to kill Trump. They were gonna kill that guy! But he didn’t. He was just your average weirdo with an AR-15 in a bush at a Florida golf course. And no one seems to care very much? Even Trump? It’s another normal day in America! Speaking of normal things and Trump, he’s also gotten into crypto! Neither Dan or Maureen can believe he’s taken this long to get involved. We are very close to the 2024 election and this is where we’re at.

But this week is about new starts as well. Will Maureen start a new planner? Will she learn to balance her life? Will she stop talking about Stanley cups? What is social media in 2024? And what happened that one time Dan tried to buy a car? YOU ARE NOT EXPECTING WHAT COMES NEXT.

Blow out the candles, Says Who! Here’s to nine more years!

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SaysWhovia,

Dan and Maureen stayed up late to debate the debate. Then Dan stayed up later to edit it. For stupid reasons, his mic sounds like shit. Sorry.

ZZZZzzzzZZzzzzZZZzzzzzzz

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It’s September! Dan and Maureen are back! SCHOOL IS IN SESSION.

What did they do on their summer vacation? They certainly went many places. Mostly, though, they miss dangerous playgrounds. Ones with tall, metal slides and things that spin and vats of broken glass. Yay! What happened while they were traveling the world? Weird stuff! Really, really weird stuff! Trump brought NFTs back, RFK got a whale head, JD Vance tried to shake a human fist. Stuff like that!

Now that it’s fall, it’s time to prepare for next week’s debate, the last eight weeks of this weird, weird election, and a trip to Disney!

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It’s the height of summer! Dan’s on the road, coming in from a Colorado hotel room. Maureen is about to head out on the road on her (somewhat delayed) US tour and then a UK tour! It’s travel season! And it’s been three weeks since the 2024 Presidential race turned upside-down. And Trump is taking it maturely and well, and by that we mean that he has gone back to Twitter because no one is looking at him with the same googly-eyed stare that he used to get. And his crowd size is FINE. It’s GREAT. It’s the MOST THAT HAS EVER CROWDED. It’s not all he cares about, but it is about 99.9% of what he cares about.

He needs a coping strategy. We know of one.

Meanwhile, Biden is coasting in his last semester, so Maureen and Dan have ideas about what he could be doing to have a RAD SUMMER. Speaking of RAD SUMMERS, Says Who will be off for the next two weeks while Maureen and Dan go about their travels. But don’t worry. Nothing ever happens when they’re gone.

Nothing can go wrong now, SaysWhovia.

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Look, we’re going to talk about Tim Walz, but Maureen has a book out and has COVID and is writing this notes.
 

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Maureen is sick, Dan is tired, but there's no stopping the vibe shift that has swept the nation with Biden dropping out and Kamala Harris speed-running her new candidacy. But most importantly, Democrats are finally saying the thing that Maureen and Dan have been saying all along: Trump and his goons are all deeply, deeply weird people.

Also, JD Vance f*cks a couch.

Welcome to the new presidential race, jump on in the water's warm.

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It's been one week.

One.

Week.

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Maureen is overloaded with energy. She is crackling. She just set the rug on fire. Dan Dan bring her down to earth? Yes, yes he can. With his tales of self-care, being a dad, and…uh oh! Maureen touched a piece of paper and it also caught on fire. She cannot feel her hand. Help.

Luckily, it’s just a week of seismic electoral shifts. The UK unsticks the right-wing underbelly. France flushes the fascists. And the US…

What IS going on in the US? Is Biden running? Does anyone know?

Maureen has calmed down. She is sitting on a spiky mat. Come and try it, SaysWhova. It is very sharp. It will calm you.

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This week, Dan and Maureen…

…are trying. Look, you guys, they’re trying. 

Have you *seen* this week? That’s what they’re talking about.

SaysWhovia 2024: help us carry the body!

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Hello SaysWhovia, 

Do you like a train wreck? Do you like your life flashing before your eyes? Do you like two octogenarians arguing about golf? Do you like to hear Maureen and Dan at the end of their ropes?

You're in luck. 

Everyone else, sorry.

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This week’s episode is a little shorter, because Dan and Maureen have agreed to watch and record their reactions to Thursday’s debate. 

Dan is falling to pieces and Maureen is getting fancy for a secret party.  

It’s all kicking off, SaysWhoavia. So give a listen to today's 30 minute SEE YOU TOMORROW, and come back Friday more ALSO MORE SEE YOU TOMORROW.

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Dan’s coming in hot today. He’s got a lot of jobs. Dad. Podcast producer. Guy who collects dog pee. Teacher. And number one pal to Maureen, whose clothes are inside out. Somehow, this ends up in a reasonably coherent conversation about how racism can be found in the darnedest places in American history! That stuff is everywhere! Maureen gives a short history on eugenics at state fairs. We learn about concerts Dan and Maureen have worked for various causes. And we talk about the saggy ball contest that is the upcoming debate.

But seriously, SaysWhovia. Dan has got to GO.

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Well, well, well. Dan and Maureen are running a tight ship today! Maureen knows where she’s going. Dan knows what’s going on. And once they get Maureen’s unused planner into the act, nothing can go wrong!

Dan guides Maureen on a deep dive into Rudy Giuliani's head, much like that billionaire sub guy took that cursed group of fellow billionaires into the depths to look a doomed wreck. Maureen learns way too much about the Hunter Biden trial and the contents of one man’s sock drawer. And finally, flags. It’s all about the flags.

Plus, find out why Maureen’s pilates teacher is going to hang out with a tiger!
 

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This week, Maureen tells a barely disguised tale of recent events, and then talks about her blood test results in a lot of detail. The conclusion? Oats. Meanwhile, Dan has been avoiding reality, but reality has been taking him on a map and finally caught up. This leads nicely to the Trump conviction afterparty and the strangely torrid tale of Hunter Binder’s trial.

But this is actually the musical episode. It cannot be explained any other way.

Five minutes, SaysWhovia! Places!

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Hey main feed, surprise! This week's Town Watch episode, usually JUST for our Patreon supporters (which you should totally become!) is coming out on the main feed too!

Why? Because Trump is guity and that's just too much fun to not go worldwide.

So enjoy!!

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Oh dear. Maureen is having a moment. She had a challenging week and is coming to pieces. Luckily, Dan is here! With news! Dan always brings news. It never helps. This has been going on for eight years and is unlikely to change.

The UK has done the most UK thing ever by announcing an election no one is excited about. The Prime Minster stood in the pouring rain with no umbrella to give the news. Why didn’t he go inside? Because 2024. Stand in the rain. Meanwhile, Rudy makes it rain in a different way. It’s gross! Dan and Maureen discuss the best ways of surveilling America’s Mayor.

Also, Justice Alito loves insurrection. Are you surprised? And Trump trial one grinds to a close. Grind, grind, grind. 2024: year of the grind.

Let’s sit down with a cool cloth on our forehead, SaysWhovia. It’s all a bit of a lot.

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Rudy got served at his birthday party and Dan and Maureen are excited about it. That’s nice, because Maureen is having a bad week. But then Dan tells her all about his favorite insect: the cicada. It’s a hot cicada summer. Meanwhile, Trump’s first trial begins to wrap up. And there are going to be debates? Next month? In THIS economy?

Summer is in the wings, clearing her throat and getting ready to take the stage. It’s going to be hot, buggy, and stupid.

But probably no one will serve a warrant at our birthday party.

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Maureen is still in France! Surprise! She could not leave when there was still cheese to eat. Plus, she made a little friend.

Back in her home city, much is happening. Dan needs to tell her all about it. Stormy Daniels was on the stand, talking about shampoo. Michael Cohen apologies. Plus, a book with a terrible dog story and a Richard Scary worm lives in RFK’s brain. 2024! It’s deranged!

Grab your baguette, SaysWhovia, while we tell you a story.
 

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This week, it’s time to talk emcampments and trials. 

But first, we need to help Dan get through some avoidance issues. We need to help him get to the basement of his mind palace. 

Come. 

Take our hand, SaysWhovia. Let’s go down the steps together.
 

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This week, we find out that Maureen’s been right about New York all along: It’s the place to be. 

Everything happens there! Broadway! Great food! Amazing music! Cutting-edge dance and fashion! Large-scale arrests! Weird trials! Trash in bins! You name it, New York has it.

It’s all NYC, all the time this week. Chicago can absolutely eat it.

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Oh hello, SaysWhovia. Maureen was just getting her mail. What’s this? A jury summons?

LOL, that’s a joke, of course. She would never be so lucky. It’s the ticket of the season! Which lucky New Yorkers will get to hang out in a waiting room with hundreds of other hopefuls, all trying out for one of the big roles as a Trump juror. Everyone is excited! Except, perhaps, except Donal Trump, who keeps taking court naps. He does not want to be there. He is bored and itchy and needs a snack.

Meanwhile, the Republicans have launched a clever attack on themselves, while Rudy Guiillani would like to borrow a dollar from you.

2024 has arrived, SaysWhovia. Don’t look it in the eyes.

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Oh hello, SaysWhovia. We were just examining this ancient book of spells and portents. Let’s see…an earthquake, an eclipse, lightning hitting the Empire State Building…oh. Just a typical week in New York City. Nothing weird going on at all. Oh wait. The Trump trial is about to start in Maureen’s hometown! That must be it. 2024 is finally turning on the gas and showing us what’s made of.

Or IS it? Is it still making us wait? Why is Dan just listing the names of cities? Why is Maureen coughing? Are they trying to stall for time? Is it because they know what 2024 wants?

A little bit. Maybe a little bit. But! Dan does know a lot of city names, and Maureen likes lots of stuff. Because after the lists and the quakes comes the woodchipper. And a trip to Disney.

Get behind us, SaysWhovia. We’ll go first.

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SaysWhovia, Maureen has had a rough week. But it's OK because she's TOTALLY FINE. Yes, that's what she is. She is also the lentil princess, so she has that going for her. 

Meanwhile the world is going to complete and utter shi... 

Happy days for she's the lentil princess!

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Says Whovians! 2024 is starting to show its whole ass now as the former president Goes Through Some Things in the last 24 hours and somehow has emerged... better off? Great.

Also, Dan is in Colorado and Maureen is at her folks and, well, she's coming in hot. And then, suddenly, she's reading from the elaborate guide for getting on the internet she made for her parents back in the 90s. As one does.

Ride the weird wind.

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Sometimes, SayWhovia, it’s important to think about balance. Work and life balance. Physical balance. Bank balance. The balance of an overladen van teetering on the edge of a cliff. This is the balance episode, where all of these things will come up. Dan’s work and life balance is a little off again. Maureen is learning physical balance! Trump has a low bank balance. And off of us are living out the end sequence of the 1967 classic film, the Italian Job.

This episode makes more sense than most, which is saying a lot considering it’s 2024.

Nobody move, SayWhovia. This whole thing could go over.

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It’s Super Tuesday, SaysWhovia! How are YOU celebrating? A party? A casual gathering? A quiet cry in the closet? All of these are valid! And who will win? No one knows! Except, everyone!

Meanwhile, Maureen reveals the joys of living in New York City once again, Dan gets a new fencepost, and COVID is over! More importantly, plans for Disney on Election Day are being finalized. It’s really happening. Dan and Maureen are going to ride the Haunted Mansion as the results come in, and then Says Whovia will…go on forever. And ever. And ever.

Get in the Doom Buggy, SaysWhovia! It’s all really happening!

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This week, Maureen spends a lot of time convincing Dan it’s time to get serious about making Disney plans for the election while Dan falls gently to pieces. 

It’s that time. Get in line with us, SaysWhovia.

Note: this episode contains a brief discussion of the death of Aaron Bushnell. There is no detailed discussion of physical events, but the significance is discussed for a short time.
 

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Brrrr. Shut the door! There’s a cold winter wind blowing. All is snug and safe here in the Says Who fort. 

Dan’s son is recovering from COVID and has had adventures in a hotel room. Mauren wants to get right to the news! 2024 is ramping up! Trump is making shiny shoes because he owes SO MUCH MONEY. So much money! Surely these shiny sneakers will fix everything. Seriously, though—he owes all the money. Does he have it? How will he get it? How many shiny shoes will be sell? And what’s with the perfume?

Somehow this becomes Dan and Maureen’s Composition 101 workshop, which should probably be a thing.

Pencils down, SayWhovia, and hand your papers to the front.

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