Relief from Grief – Details, episodes & analysis

Chumi Friedman
Director of HUG, a division of A Time for those who have experienced perinatal or infant loss

·       My sister-in-law had a stillborn. The one-year mark is coming up. Should I say something to her?

·       My brother lost an eleven-year-old son. But he was very special-needs. His bar mitzvah is coming up; they wouldn’t have made a real celebration anyway. Should I say something?

·       Does it make sense that my sister-in-law doesn’t want to talk about her loss while my brother-in-law wants to talk nonstop? I thought men are more reticent.

·       Is it better to say something cliché or just to say nothing?

These questions and more are posed to Mrs. Chumi Friedman all the time. There is no “one-answer-fits-all” here. She doesn’t know the person you are wondering about. But you do. Come listen and hopefully gain some valuable insights. 

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Mrs. Esther Gendelman, MS, LPC, ACS
Mrs. Esther Gendelman’s passion is to help people foster meaningful relationships. There is no such thing as a perfect person, which means there’s also no such thing as a perfect relationship, although some relationships feel rock solid. Yet loss can impact even the strongest relationships with ripples of uncertainty.

A mother can feel so confused as she watches her daughter navigate the pain of losing a child.Where is her place in all this? And does her pain as a grandmother count at all? Similarly, after a wife loses a parent, her husband may be confused by her changes in behavior and mood swings. Loss affects not only immediate family members but also extends its reach to siblings,neighbors, and friends.

In the wake of profound loss, individuals may find themselves navigating uncharted territory in their relationships. Moreover, if relationships were already strained before the loss, the added burden can exacerbate existing struggles.

Listen to Mrs. Gendelman as she speaks with much wisdom and understanding. Relationships can be complicated. But that doesn’t mean they can’t be wonderful.

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Mrs. Devorah Schendler, author of Compatible with Life

Giving birth to a stillborn baby was so painful. Yet looking back, Mrs. Devorah Schendler saw how that experience strengthened her emunah muscle for the next great challenge – giving birth to a baby diagnosed with Trisomy-13, a syndrome that is incompatible with life. For seven-and-a-half weeks, the Schendlers threw themselves into taking care of their sick baby. At the same time, they had children at home who also needed their mommy; Mrs. Schendler found herself engaged in a balancing act that was confusing and sometimes very difficult. Even when the baby was home, he always came first, yet the children loved him. His petirah was hard on the entire family.

Not too long ago, the Schendlers welcomed a beautiful baby girl into their family. She is a cherished treasure that no one in the family takes for granted. And her name? Well, it is a beautiful name that describes exactly what the family went through.  But to hear what it is, you need to first listen to Devorah share her story.

Link to the book; https://www.israelbookshoppublications.com/store/pc/Compatible-with-Life-p7958.htm

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Mrs. Rachel Stein

Prolific author, most recently of the book Uplift

She was a young mother with a houseful of children, and at this difficult time in her life, she felt torn in too many directions. Should she stay with her sick and dying mother or go home to her sick children who need a mommy to care for them? It seemed as if her mother was holding her own, so she left the hospital to be with her children for a bit. 

While still in the car on the way home, she got the call. Her mother had died. Alone in the hospital without her only child at her side. 

Rachel was very hard on herself. How could she have left her mother? What had she been thinking?

It took some time until eventually she realized that what had happened hadn’t been in her control. Nothing is. Hashem orchestrates each event so that they happen just the way they are supposed to. And Rachel believes her mother was somehow waiting for her daughter to leave before she died. She was protecting her little girl until the last moment.

She did take the lessons of her experience with her. Many years later when her elderly father-in-law was dying, she went to great lengths so that her husband wouldn’t miss the petirah.  With a flurry of last-minute arrangements, she and her husband were present when her father-in-law passed away. 

She obviously didn’t sit shivah for her father-in-law. But she “stood” shivah. Because we can lose people we love but don’t have the halachos of an aveil. It was a different journey than when she lost her mother. But it was a journey of loss nonetheless.

In her calm way, Mrs. Rachel Stein offers clarity and understanding about different kinds of loss and grief. 

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 Mrs. Feige Steinmetz   
Mother of Dovi Steinmetz, who perished in the Meron tragedy

Lag Ba’Omer taf shin peh aleph (2021) is seared into our collective Jewish memory. It was on that day that a stampede took place in Meron, resulting in death and injury for many people.

At first it seemed that Dovi was safe. Then his parents were unsure. And then it was confirmed: Dovi had been killed in Meron. 

How does a mother handle such news? Mrs. Steinmetz was in shock. It made no sense. How could it be?  The Steinmetzes rushed to get to Eretz Yisrael. But in Ben Gurion airport the security personnel gave them a hard time, still particular about Covid restrictions.

Come listen to this strong woman. Hear her pain and her chizzuk. Hear the realness in her words and about her decision to be okay despite not being okay.

Because after losing a child, a mother will never be the same.

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Rabbi Chaim Ellis, LCSW

He was only four years old when his mother died. His memories of her are vague, and most of them are built from the pictures he has seen and the stories people have shared.  

A year-and-a-half after his mother’s passing his father remarried. Rabbi Ellis shares that his stepmother is a wonderful person, and he has always had a good relationship with her. But while he grew up with two parents and a beautiful model of shalom bayis, he did not grow up with a mother. Because there is no replacement for a mother.

When Rabbi Ellis was growing up, he was sure that he was the only yasom in the world. When he did find a peer who also lost a parent, he was quick to connect with him. He was always a good listener and people opened up to him. He feels that this led him to his career as a therapist. Today he is a successful therapist in Passaic, NJ, and he is very involved in Shloimy’s Club, the boys’ division of LINKS.

He is also an author and has written about the silver linings he has found in different unique situations. Come learn from the boy who grew up without a mother.

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Mrs. Zissy Muller

She woke up one night and heard heavy rain outside her window. In a state of panic, she called her father and asked, “Where are the shovels?  It’s raining. My child is cold. We must go dig him out of his grave.”

Meet Zissy Muller. No, she isn’t crazy. She is a mother who lost her child.  When her beloved son died completely unexpectedly, she was thrust into a brand-new world of pain that was so intense, it felt as if she was being burned by a blazing flame.  Continuing with life seemed so impossible – and also, so wrong. How could she go on when her child would never grow up?

Although she couldn’t dig her son out of his grave, she dug and dug internally to get to a place of acceptance and serenity. She wanted to be a happy person despite her pain.

Zissy says it as it is. She offers a wealth of guidance in how to grow from pain. And yes, her heart still feels the burning pain at times; never is there a day that she doesn’t think about her son. But the fire has died down to flickering sparks, which flare up on occasion.

This podcast offers chizzuk to those that lost a child and deep insight into what parents might experience after losing a child. Even many years after the loss.
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Don’t Explain Because There is No Explanation 

Rabbi Sruli Fried, MSW

Director of Chai Lifeline NJ/PA

When a young child (in the NJ/PA) region has just been diagnosed, is on his deathbed or has just been niftar, Rabbi Fried is there. He sits with the family, and he cries with the family. His sensitivity hasn’t waned over time. Likely it has deepened. 

Over the years, parents have shared with Rabbi Fried various things that can be helpful after losing a child and other things that can be hurtful. With true compassion and understanding he relays what he has learned.

I could have easily spoken to Rabbi Fried for a few more hours, but I told him I wouldn’t take more than an hour of his time. I had to keep my word – to him and to my listeners.  I wonder if the listeners would have stayed on for the three hours I wished we could have spoken for.

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Lessons from the Past   

Mrs. Chaya Ginzberg

BYA Teacher

Rivky, Mrs. Ginzberg’s daughter, was a young mother of four children when she was niftar.  On this podcast, Mrs. Ginzberg shares how although each family member struggled with their pain in their own way, the family held onto each other for dear life.

With acceptance and faith there were no family politics. The relationship with her son-in-law, grandchildren and her son-in-law’s new wife remained peaceful and respectful. 

And then tragedy struck again when her husband was niftar. But Mrs. Ginzberg shares that she has role models and chinuch from her past to guide her through her challenges. She says, “Aleph is for emunah and beis is for bitachon. My ancestors lost their entire families in the war, but they passed down a legacy of positivity.”

This podcast is shorter than most, but it is packed with inspiration. I think you’ll enjoy listening and gain a lot!

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Mrs. Deenie Yurkansky

If you listen to Mrs. Yurkansky, you may be blown away. I know I was. Her son Shaul was a most beloved son and friend. He was gentle and kind, and his mother misses him. It doesn’t matter how many years have gone by. A mother’s heart will never stop aching for her child.

But her connection to him is still strong, and she looks for signals from him. 

Before he died, he said, “Ma, don’t forget about me 24/7.” When I asked her to come onto the podcast, she said, “Of course! It will be me giving over Shaul’s legacy, and Shaul helping me give it over.”

Listen as she keeps his legacy alive with her beautiful, heartfelt words. They give her chizzuk while she gives chizzuk to others.

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