Another episode, fresh out of the oven! This one is about the unknown, and it’s a rambly one. I have the transcript below, if you prefer to read. But I’d recommend to sit back, relax, listen and reflect. Let me know how you have been handling the unknown lately by leaving a comment.
Watch Psyche Design Season 2 Episode 3 on YouTube:
Transcript:
Hello. So today I'm going to be discussing the unknown. And one of the fun things about that topic is that I actually have no idea what I'm about to talk about. So, first of all, for those of you who follow the stars, Jupiter just went into Pisces this morning. So, I've been wanting to do this topic for a while, and I thought, why not right now? Because the energy of Pisces is a mutable water sign. So this energy now, in the collective is more focused on embracing the vastness in the chaoticness of every potential emotion that can ever be experienced is one way of putting it. When I think of Pisces, I often think about taking leaps of faith and marveling at the unknown, potentially.
So my personality type pattern (most of you know this, because that's what my channel has been about) is my type preferences are ENFJ. And with that, J, the stereotype goes that, you know, the preference for judging can be a challenge for embracing the unknown, I have had such a hard time with the unknown, for as long as I can remember. In fact, I've been having some more discussions with my parents lately about what I was like, as a child, as I have been. I think it's been a year and a half ago, now that I have been diagnosed with ADHD. And I've been exploring my neurodivergent traits, reading things about that, and trying to connect some dots. Part of the reason why I've wanted to do that is because, you know, I discovered personality type theory, whatever I was 17, I'm now 28. This model of Personality Typing has been with me for over a decade now. And I definitely wouldn't be as confident as an adult and okay with myself if I didn't have it. Because so much of me even recognizing that I was an intuitive at a young age, validated a lot of the ways in which I felt outside the norm.
And, anyway, I've been thinking about the ways in which I've always felt outside the norm in one of those ways. You guys are gonna just have to deal with me being rambly this time around, because I'm a little bit out of practice whenever it comes to talking to a camera. So um, for those of you who want to take the windy road with me, thank you so much. Anyway, um, what I was going to say with that is that I, my mom was, you know, sort of telling me how even as a young child, I would get into these outbursts. When things did not go according to plan. There was one time she told me about, that I was like five. And they, my mom, said that we had to leave the living room area, we were at my grandparents, because they were painting the walls and that it was going to be a different color, it was going to go from beige to peach. And apparently, whenever I got back, and I saw the colors, I freaked out and I was like, “They are not different colors! This is the same exact color as what it was before. You lied to me!” And I think that that is such a hilarious example of I think you could really see, like, the pitfalls of my psyche, even as a young child, it would be interesting to think about what things you used to have meltdowns about as a child in throw a fit about. And if you can notice any themes of how those things in a way, even if you aren't going to act out now, those things might still tell you something about your blind spots. Because in that as an example, not only was I not someone that was very aware of the differences between the colors, but I also had an idea in my mind of what I thought those colors would be. And whenever reality did not match up to what I had in my mind. It was very overwhelming for me and somy preference for Introverted Intuition as a function I think is sort of seen here. And that my default is to kind of envision an intuitive image or symbol or whatever, kind of envision something abstractly in my mind. That may or may not line up with reality.
And I'm realizing that a big reason why I will try and spend the time to think about the future and envision it is because of how physically overwhelming it is, for me to make a decision on the spot, or to adjust to things not going according to plan.
And I think that a lot of people who have a J in their type code, a lot of people who, who are that way, who are Js, you could say, we prefer to do that introverted perception ourselves beforehand — so that whenever life hits us in the face, it's not that much of a surprise. And I think that for the most part, doing that can save me some energy, but it also could be very draining. And so part of this has to do with having extroverted sensing as a valued but weaker function for me. Because it is very draining for me to use extroverted sensing, as much as I wish that I could use it.
For me, in my type code, extroverted sensing is associated with the Forever child, the inner child as the tertiary third position, it's related to that archetype of almost like a Peter Pan-like kid who never wants to grow up. And I can very naively believe that I can just handle anything or push through anything to some extent, but I also could naively and almost childishly buckle under the pressure of a moment changing and me having to meet that moment. It could go one of two extremes. And this is kind of how it goes for a lot of people with their Tertiary function is that there's a childlike quality, both in the optimism and in the fear that you have around that thing.
So for me, I can optimistically envision my life… if I want to make a video every single week, and I want to have a newsletter every single week. And I want to make an album this year, and I want to be in two improv classes. And I want to audition for this improv class and I want to be singing in this choir, and I want to work for myself. And I want to, you know, make new friends, move out, potentially move out of the state, and potentially start dating. So if you're overwhelmed listening to that, imagine I'm being inside my brain.
So I, anyway, um, let's get back to the topic of unknown…
…and I will get back, I will connect all of these dots. So, this podcast Psyche Design has gone through many different renditions. This YouTube channel has gone through many different phases,seen me in many phases of growth. And part of what can be difficult is that once I get once you get into a routine of what works, and you follow these social scripts, of, okay, this is how I make my videos. This is how I use Twitter. This is how I, whatever… like I had everything all set up to where and what I need to do to conserve my energy is have everything all set up to where the moment I have an inspiration, the tools are there instantly — so that I don't have to make a big decision about it. So that kind of connects to what I was saying earlier, as I think as an NJ in the way that I use my introverted intuition is that I try and save energy for the in-the-moment, physical things by mapping it all out in my head before. So
I try and save energy because for example, let's say I want I feel like making music. If my MIDI keyboard is all in a box, and I don't know where the chord is, and I don't know where the speakers are. It's going to take me a lot of energy to actually get it set up. But if I've arranged my room where I have that station over there for making music and then this station over here for journaling, and then all of this that if …
Another thing I did with this is that I now have this little wellness rack or I call it my wellness rack. It's just a rolling rack thing. But I, I was thinking like, whenever I'm triggered whenever I'm overstimulated or exhausted, what do I need?
Sometimes, you know, the body will instinctively do what it has done in the past that might have made it feel more regulated… that could be tweet about your experience, tweet about your emotions, call a friend. And those things can work. But it could be taking an edible, it could be have a cup of tea.
Anyway, I basically put together this little station in my room for everything that I know, for a fact, makes me feel more regulated whenever I'm overwhelmed.
And I have only one place to reduce the amount of energy that it would take for me to make a decision in that exact moment of, what do I need to do to calm myself down? And so anyway, that's just one example of me deciding to do that took me about six months to probably even come to that conclusion. But now that I've made that one decision, it's like one decision that's kind of a one-and-done that it's going to work for me throughout many, hopefully, years.
And a lot of the reason why NJ's are very slow whenever it comes to making decisions is because of how much energy it takes to engage with extroverted sensing Rome, of making a decision and responding to the moment in that moment. So anyway, I have been, I had my little systems for making YouTube and all of that to where my, my challenge in life has always been about figuring out how to channel my energy properly. Because I have a lot of it, I have a lot of inspiration. And there's nothing that makes me feel more frustrated than if I feel like doing something and then there's too much inertia or resistance between the idea and it actually being a reality. And so like I said, I try and set up systems to make it easy for me to enter that flow state because so much of my life is attempting to get into a flow state, and it taking longer than I thought and then I feel like I will just blow a fuse internally. And then I don't get anything done and there's no fruits of my labor and it's like I've literally just drained my energy. And I'm trying to avoid that so much.
And one of my favorite ways of draining my energy in the past has been through relationships and through other people through prioritizing relationships at a higher value than what they should be. And one of the things I'm learning with that is that even though I personally think that on my deathbed, the relationships I have are going to be the number one most important thing in my life I also am realizing that even if I'm correct that you know relationships should be number one or can be number one, how much of a number one is it compared to the other things in your life that you need to do for you, in order to actually be the sort of friend that you want to be so um, ENFJs are not known for being the best at self-care, even though we might be a type to want to preach the importance of it to others. I saw a tweet the other day that was like my toxic to my toxic trait is I tell people to take care and yet I don't take care of something like that. And that is kind of been the story of my life to where…
I guess um, what I was going okay, what I was gonna say earlier is that all of this process of figuring out so when am I going to make YouTube videos and how often and all of that like I've been dealing with a lot of creative blockages but I realized that the reason why that is is because I have changed and so the systems in my outlets need to change because I'm learning more about myself and I'm becoming more myself and I'm taking care of myself better. So the strategies I used in the past that worked for me then um.. it almost feels like a staircase.
I, you know, I've said this before that sometimes seems like with NJ's that we grow in these quantum leaps where it feels like the staircase level things We're like, you're trying and trying, and it feels like you're plateauing. And then you hit a realization, and then it's like you're on to the next checkpoint. Like if you're in a game or something.
And it's like “checkpoint reached, you've passed to the next level.” That's often how a lot of my growth feels. And whenever I'm in that Plateau State, it feels like nothing's happening. But the plateau is because what used to work doesn't work anymore. And so I'm kind of just waiting for the thing that is going to snap into place. And during that plateau, you have to be open for something new to come to you.
So. So that kind of brings me to my point with the unknown, is that I think that collectively, we're going we're facing a lot of feelings of the unknown, for so many reasons, like the pandemic, the war. And I don't need to go into that, because I feel like there's everybody is just vaguely hinting at that of these crazy times. And I'm participating in that right now, right now. But my point with that unknown is kind of a big topic right now. But I was thinking about how a lot of the things I think about with this channel, and just in general, my obsessions about shadow work and about the shadow functions, and accepting your unconscious and all of that. It inherently brings up the unknown.
And so I wanted to talk about how embracing your shadow is kind of the same thing as embracing the unknown.
And how ignoring the shadow might feel like the safe thing to do, because it feels safe, because there are not as many unknowns coming up. But the more you're clinging to what you think you know, the more difficult it's going to be whenever the unknown eventually hits. Because if you are clinging to an idea of what you think is going to happen, your comfort zone, and the things that feel stable for you.
It's like the more energy you put into clinging on to that, then the more of a surprise, and the darker the shadow, The Unknown is going to be whenever you eventually see it.
And I've used the analogy before of like a seesaw to where ideally, the conscious and the unconscious should be going back and forth. Like a little seesaw, where I guess the goal, I think, is that the, our consciousness and our ego should not be so stubborn and so rigid that it is refusing to listen to any of the information that the unconscious might be having, might have to say, we don't need to become superhumans and perceive everything and have no shadows and darkness. But I think it's more of a matter of the attitude that you have toward those things that come up. And just a small shift in your attitude can allow you to start to take that information seriously, when it comes up. So. And part of that really is embracing the unknown. And if you think about it, the shadow or the parts you can't see the shadow is the unknown.
So, and you could see it in society is if you pretend like those shadows, Aren't there some of those shadows being racism and sexism, and the negative effects of capitalism and consumerism. A lot of these things are shadows of the American Dream that we don't want to think about. Because it undermines the positive parts of thinking about things like we're the melting pot. We're all about freedom. We're all about innovation. All of these things are perhaps the ego or the consciousness of America. And if you're only looking at those things, and you're looking at those things so much to where you aren't able to acknowledge these shadowy parts, then it's going to create this effect where the shadow bounces back, where as opposed to being able to just have a call Um, conversation about our racist past and trying to turn a new leaf and trying to heal those things. What is often happening is white supremacy culture is being more and more in denial of these things that he doesn't want to see. And if you have that mindset, where, and you know, people who have this mindset, a lot of times don't even realize that they have the mindset, that's the… that's the thing about the shadow. And that's why a lot of people talk about the importance of critically analyzing your assumptions and your stereotypes. And because you're not a bad person for having the stereotype, but you might be a bad person, if you are so in denial of these prejudices that you might have, that you're afraid to even look at them and deal with them and sort them out and make sure that you are not going to be causing any harm.
So anyway, um, the thing with that is that if you are not conflict occurs when you are dismissing any information from the shadow that your ego in the idea of yourself doesn't want to see. And it's happening on a collective scale. And it happens on a personal scale. And, you know, I have been talking about personality type theory, on this channel since 2015, I think was my first video and my ideas about personality have changed and evolved a lot. And also my self-concept has changed and evolved a lot. Because simply knowing that, I prefer that my best fit type is ENFJ.
I don't even like to call myself “an ENFJ” anymore, because it's just a pattern. It's just a pattern of how the psyche orient itself, and the 16 types are all patterns. But nobody is chained to that pattern. And in fact, we can use that pattern as a way in which to reflect on the true self that's underneath, and our true individuality or individuality that nobody can take away from us.
Knowing your type is like a stepping stone to being able to perceive all of the patterns in our life that we take on, unconsciously and socially, that are like these collective patterns that aren't bad. It's just that. So Carl Jung talked a lot about individuation, which is all about the path to the self with a capital S, the higher self, and the self is who you really are. And then, I mean, this idea has been around for so long that there's nothing really I could say about it. I just felt the need to sit on that as, who really am I who really are you? And that's a hard question to answer.
But for whatever reason, a lot of us, as humans have this pull to figure out who we really are. And knowing your personality type can give you some information. And so that's why I think it has become so popular, especially online, especially during a time in which there is so much unknown. People want to know who they are. And sometimes if you're dealing with the unknown, knowing who you are, is at the very least a constant when you are dealing with an unpredictable world and people who you don't understand.
So um I think that what can happen is that when people are wanting to understand their type, it's this fear of the unknown that can lead you to want to put a label on who you are, and figure yourself out I don't think I'm ever going to be done figuring myself out and getting to know myself. Because just as relationships are super important to life, as I mentioned before, that relationship you have with yourself is constant, constantly getting to know yourself just as you want probably to fall in love with a partner in which you are constantly unraveling and learning new things about them every day. You probably want it to feel fresh, even when you are retired, fresh and exciting no matter what it's like that relationship you have with yourself. Also should feel fresh and exciting.
Because as much as we want to figure out who we really are, so that we can maybe have something stable in this chaotic world… we are mirrors of the world, the world mirrors us, we have just as much of an unknown contained within us.
So the whole idea of embracing our personal shadows, um is inherently an act of embracing the unknown. And when that happens, things change. Now, all of this is very obvious. But to be literal, for me, my routines change, where I want to live, thinking about who I want to talk to. Because if you're in this cycle of thinking about your daily routines, what are your biggest fears? What are your goals, you're probably going to be talking to people either with similar goals, or who are doing similar things that you're doing. If you have certain hang-ups or fears, you might be having certain coping mechanisms for dealing with those. And so you get into these routines based on how you are responding to your fears, what coping mechanism mechanisms you're using, and what goals you're working toward. And so the entire fabric of your life is based on that.
So what happens when you recognize or learn something new about yourself, is that that invites the very fabric of your life to change.
One thing, as an example of this with me, is that talking to friends, is a major coping mechanism for me. And I'm not saying that it's bad to talk to friends. And I'm not saying a coping mechanism doesn't mean it's healthy. But for me, every single time, I did not feel 100%, I would reach to a friend to either distract me from the feeling to have to refocus my attention on something that is good that I am grateful for. So it's not like, it's not always like, “Oh, I'm just so like, running away from these dark feelings, and trying to ignore it so that I can talk to, you know, someone else to distract me.” That's not not true. But the experience of me doing it didn't feel like that.. it didn't feel like I was running away. It just felt like when I acknowledged that, when I acknowledged certain things, what were the responses I had, how did I respond to myself, whenever I wasn't in the place I wanted to be, and often that would be re-orienting my perspective, to be grateful for the things that I ought to be grateful for. And so I would try and, you know, enjoy life more fully. So as opposed to trying to solve a pattern. I would, you know, listen to music, and that's a perfectly fine response. Because the thing is, is that a lot of times, life is just hard, and there's nothing to solve. And there's nothing wrong with you.
But people generally have a hard time soaking up all of the joy that life has to offer. And it is a challenge to soak up joy. And so sometimes it's a perfectly fine response to if you're not feeling well just turn up the volume of the in just start soaking up more joy. I mean, that's literally what I've done in order to cope. art, music, what have you. And a lot of that a lot of my way of turning up the joy has been through other people because I just think that connection is so magical and so beautiful. And I always find myself so moved deeply whenever I am having a genuine conversation. And so anyway, but here's the thing with that is that I was finding myself reaching for my phone for connection so often throughout the day that it didn't leave enough time For me to do other things, so if I was, if I had a realization, it didn't feel good enough to just have the realization on my own, I wanted to share it in case somebody else had also had that realization or to hear if there was a different perspective that challenged mine. I didn't care if everyone agreed with me 100%. But I would compulsively reach for that connection. By throwing it out there. Sometimes I would throw it out there on Twitter, I would do it on YouTube, I would think, you know, I don't have anyone to talk to about this. And so I'm going to put it out there and have that feeling of knowing that I'm not alone in having this thought. And there's somebody else who's now you know, sharing this with me, and I get to share with them.
And you know, I've met a lot of friends online. And a lot of my closest friendships that I've had have been friends that wanted to discuss deeper topics, and wanted to have that back and forth of sharing our realizations in real-time. When the pandemic hit two, I started sending voice memos a lot. So anyway, my point with this is that I reached a point the past few months, where I've been realizing that I was throwing too much of myself in connections and not enough in creating art, or in decompressing. I barely ever watched TV. For one. I don't go to bed at a good enough time. One thing that I've been implementing in my life lately is trying to drink tea before bed, I also have an aromatherapy diffuser thing that I will turn on at about like 830 or nine, I will make myself some tea. And I will turn on the diffuser with like some lavender, and cedarwood or whatever essential oils in it. And I turn the overhead lights off and put on like a lava lamp or some crazy light or whatever. I will just whatever I feel like. And I intentionally set a mood.
Setting moods has been so so impactful for me, and I think that part of it has to do with what I was saying earlier, whenever it comes to setting up stations of like, “this is my station for music. This is my station for journaling.” For my tertiary Se. I think that like I said, it's kind of childish, it's kind of… it doesn't have as much energy to exert. So I can't just create a new moment at a moment's notice, the way that perhaps an SP type could, where from my perspective, for the sensing preference people, it feels like you're moving mountains all the time, because in order to move material is very exhausting. And I would prefer to spend more time in the intuitive realm, thinking about the possibilities of what could or couldn't happen by moving material so that whenever I do move the material, my goal is to do it right the first time doesn't always happen. Because you need that trial and error need to get familiar with what you're doing, in order for it to be less energetically taxing.
That's one thing I've realized from observing SJs I live right now with my parents, I'm saving up some money. My mom is an ESFJ and we both work from home and so kind of feels like we're little co-working buddies were I mean, just watching her routine. And talking to my ESF sister about her routine, it seems like for the SJs, they become these creatures of habits that become these creatures of habit because they're so good at listening to their bodies. It happens automatically. Like one time I asked my sister, how did you come up with your routine? Or she was talking about how every day when she wakes up, she First Things First she goes up and fills up her water bottle. And it's a reminder for her roommate, who is always snoozing to wake up because she hears her in the kitchen.
And I was like “how did you come up with that?” And she was like, “What do you mean come up with it? When I wake up, I'm thirsty because I hadn't drank any water in eight hours.”
And that right there is such a hilarious example of introverted intuition versus Introverted Sensing, in my opinion, because I'm over here thinking that in order to do anything physical, it first must start as is an idea that I came up with. But that's what's okay. That's what's so funny about it is that it doesn't have to. And I'm realizing that those routines kind of only come into play when you are listening to your body when you're relaxing, and when you're figuring out what you need, and when, and you're figuring out who you are.
So I guess to be more explicit here. Shadow Work is embracing the unknown. And for me as an ENFJ, shadow work involves becoming more conscious of the sensing and the thinking sides to me. And so to improve my sensing and my thinking, I must embrace the unknown.
Now, that is kind of a lightbulb, because I think that a lot of the time we think about intuition as the unknown. But I think that that's just semantics thing. Where it just depends on what you mean by unknown. And like, I get, I get why intuition is associated with unknown. But if you're thinking about it, in this context of someone who prefers intuition, over sensing, the ideas are what you know, what happens is not what you know. So in order to feel more stable, to feel more logical and sound, and more true to myself, it involves exploring, and there's a lot of trial and error associated here. And it throws you for a loop. So anyway, um, I'm kind of reaching a dead end here, I think. And I feel like I need to eat something. That's another thing is that I feel like I'm so used to ignoring my body signals that I'm trying to get back into it.
Okay. Yeah, this is one thing I'll point out is that um, I was thinking about for the Inferior function, for me, that would be Introverted Thinking. I was thinking about how the problem isn't that I'm illogical. The problem isn't that I don't think the problem is I can't keep track of my thinking. The problem is, I'm not conscious of my thinking. And so to improve Introverted Thinking isn't be smarter, be more concise, or be more consistent. It is, remember what you think. And so hopefully, that makes sense.
But what I was realizing with this is that the reason why it is so exhausting for me to access these lower functions, is inherently because I'm not conscious of them. So think back to what I was saying before. Why is it not exhausting for my ESFJ sister to have a routine in the morning and get all those things done? It's because she's conscious of the sensing, because her consciousness prefers sensing, she knows when she wakes up, she's thirsty. It's easier to get into an autopilot there. And know who you are in that area and have a stronger self-awareness in that area, if you're conscious of it.
So for people who prefer feeling, it's easier to go through the motions with our emotions or feelings, because we know what we're feeling. So it becomes easier to make decisions based on that, because we know what we're feeling. And if you were a thinker, you would be aware of what you're thinking, therefore, it's easier and quicker to make a decision. That's logical. And based on your thoughts. It might be harder for a thinker to make a decision based on what they want, or based on their emotions, not because they don't feel not because they're not there, but because it is going to take time to uncover what those things are. And so the act of developing your lower functions is an act of uncovering what is already there. And unraveling the truth of it.
And it reminds me of like, if something is already on the surface, you get to just enjoy it. But if you have to dig all the way down to something that is, like I'm thinking of like the roots of a plant, for some reason is the vision that came to me, if you have to dig all the way down, and you're like in the dark, it is a lot harder to complete the task or to make use of whatever tools are there. Because you can't, you can't see them.
And so anyway, my process of developing sensing and thinking has been a process of just starting to notate what those things are. A couple examples I'll share is that... For one, I went down a rabbit hole a few months ago about smart thinking, and systems thinking and note-taking systems and I watched a few YouTube videos from people that were sharing how they do their own sort of personal project management systems, and how they collect their notes. Like with tools, like notion, and obsidian, and things like that. And one of the YouTubers that I found, actually had a couple of videos about MBTI, and said that they were an INTP. And I thought it made sense for them to be an INTP, even from just watching how they were talking. Because basically, they were explaining that it's easier to come up with really sharp new ideas, if you are collecting the thoughts you have and insights you have along the way. And she did a lot of stuff where she would allow the computer to help her by putting insights she had organizing them intentionally, so that she can kind of see her insights reflected back to her with like a visual. Like a visual interpretation of the data.
So anyway, um, from watching that I realized, like, I was thinking, I have insights like this all the time. But what happens with me with my thoughts with my inferior Ti is I think it and then I forget it, which means that I don't get to use those thoughts as much. So that's where the inefficiency comes for feeling types is that it's not it's not that we aren't thinking correctly or that we're wrong or that we're dumb, it's that we don't always get to invest, and get the real value for the thoughts that we do have. Because we aren't focused on them, we are unconscious of them.
And so I was I've been trying to figure out how can I rely on technological tools to give my thinking and sensing function some support, so that my consciousness doesn't have to be manually as aware of them because that's kind of how it is, is that we're kind of disabled in our lower functions to where we can do them, it's just more energetically consuming and so relying on something like a computer could potentially help (I'm not sure how it worked for feeling I'm not sure how it work in a lot of different cases..) But relying on some sort of technology even if the technology is a cup which is technically still a technology. I'm relying on anything to help support you in your ability to use your lower functions without shaming yourself without judging yourself and instead just being very curious about, “how can I be more conscious of these things that are already are happening already are going on?”
So that's kind of an example with the thinking is that I'm… what I'm going to try and do is start I'm trying to archive like all of the videos I've done in the past all my tweets and like try and mine some mine them for key points so that I can put it into a book or something. So it's like I'm trying to actually get the getting more value out of the thoughts that I have, rather than just blasting them out and draining myself without ever getting anything back into return. And so right now I'm just very confused and in an unknown state because I'm I don't know what my routines look like that are going to exactly support me because I also don't actually know 100% what my goals are.
And with the sensing side of things, I was listening to this audiobook called The Compound Effect. And I've heard people talk about the compound effect before where it's essentially. Um, it's essentially this idea that if you do some little thing every single day that you eventually can, the results of that could compound over time. And that's something that I'm really bad at to where I'm not very consistent, especially with my sensory behaviors. Um, and this guy was basically saying that if you work in bursts, every single time you start something after having stopped doing it for a long time, that takes a lot of energy. And I think that that's something that I've struggled with.
But I still like working in bursts. So I'm not fully sure how that's gonna work out. But he was saying that, if you want to change anything in your life, whether that be how you eat your workout skills, or your.. you want to read more, or whatever it is, if you want to change anything, it starts with being aware of it. And now that's also a very obvious thing. But he was suggesting that you need to start tracking everything that you're doing. And I have resisted the idea of tracking, I hate I hate tracking. You know, some people do mood trackers, some people do sleep trackers. And it's so hard for me to get into the routine of doing those things. And anyway.
But the past two weeks, I have been attempting to track my time, for whatever reasons like I couldn't pick… I couldn't figure out what thing I wanted to track. But then I realized that really what is frustrating to me is that I'm not quite sure if I'm making the best use of my time, because all year I felt like I've had these vague goals that I'm trying to figure out. And I think I might be getting closer. But I haven't really been seeing the effects of it yet. Not even realizing now as I've been talking this whole time that I think that I'm quicker at talking than I used to be in my previous videos, and that I think that my Introverted Thinking has come a long way because I read every day now.
And I also don't, my instinct… Okay, so this is something I was gonna say earlier that I realized I didn't finish this point is that a coping mechanism for me was reaching out to people. That was like my number one thing, and I realized that I was doing it more than I actually had the time to. And so I wasn't doing things that would benefit me and my goals, a lot of that having to do with the inferior Ti. So for example, just sharing thoughts over text in a passing way, every single day versus what if I wrote a book, you know what I mean? Like, I want to create value. I don't want to be flippantly wasting my energy.'
And I'm not even saying that friends are a waste. But what I started to realize was that the amount of time I was spending texting was stressing me out and causing overstimulation because it's exhausting to rehash everything..like you lived at once, and then now you're rehashing it to five people? Just because you want them to understand you. And I… Anyway, I feel very lonely right now. Because I feel like I have not been able to keep up with message messaging people back and the way that I used to, and I feel like people are taking it personally because it's such a change from how I've acted in the past. And I feel like people probably think that I have just completely moved on to other friends or something. And that's been really hard. But part of it is that I'm finding that I'm enjoying it. reading philosophy or reading Jung more than I am talking about it these days. And I think that I'm eventually going to find a balance. But right now, it felt like a huge shadow pull.
So the compound effect, what I was saying earlier, this kind of reminded me of being more aware of my sensing is that I realized that overall, I just don't think my energy management is that great. My dad pointed this out to me, whenever I was applying for jobs at 7:30pm, on a Friday night, and I was stressing myself out. He was like, why are you applying for jobs at 7:30 on a Friday? And I'm like, well, because I want another job. And I don't often think about how the time and place is going to affect my mental state. And that I really, like I was saying earlier, I don't watch much TV, I don't really decompress. I haven't really decompressed. And so I am so one-track-minded with my goals that it's like I'm… if I'm not where I want to be, I don't give myself time to rest. And it's been a really hard pill to swallow that… in order for me to actually get where I want to be, I'm going to have to, like, just stop.
And that goes back in with the title of embracing the unknown,is I have to accept the unknown. In order to go where I haven't gone before. So I have been tracking how I'm using my time because I'm, I guess I'm trying to look at it and be like, am I texting too much? Have I gone to the other stream to where I'm not reaching out to friends enough? Am I… one thing I realized from this is that I've been wasting too much time on dating apps, when I'm not even interested.
And so that's one thing where I think sometimes we can do things automatically. Or even like our body, somehow we have learned a lesson in the past that reaching for something instinctually might be a good coping mechanism for whatever it is that we're craving in that moment. And then sometimes when our body will essentially do that, it doesn't actually give us the benefit that we are expecting or that we want. And so anyway, I'm trying to observe, you know, what are the things that are getting me caught up? Either in anxiety or in staring at the wall not sure what to do next, which is what happens to me all the time.
So anyway, I'm just trying to start by surveying, how am I spending my time? What are the uses of time that make me feel more energy energized?
And what are the uses of time that are exhausting for me? And maybe it's exhausting that I am this particular of a person that I feel such a need to scrutinize my every move? I don't, I don't f*****g know. Like, I feel like every time I've ever made a positive change in my life, it's come in an intense way. And I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing, or why that is. But like when I started this YouTube channel, for example, what really got me going was that I had to force myself into doing a 30-day challenge. Now, a lot of people especially using those earlier videos, whenever I was on this high, almost like an extroverted sensing high of I'm just going to make a video every day and I'm not going to care what it looks like. And a lot of those earlier videos, a lot of people were typing me as ESTP or ESFP, which I think is kind of funny, because it took me three to four years of thinking about making a YouTube channel and trying to think about exactly how it would look and how it would go. Before I eventually got so frustrated with myself that I was like, just do it you f*****g idiot. And so that's kind of the games that I play with myself a lot of the time. And I'm kind of getting there right now with this channel where I sometimes I need some new energy here and I need to figure out something maybe I'll do YouTube shorts. Maybe I'll get into Tik Tok. I have never really used Tik Tok. I think when it first got big, I felt like oh, this might not be good for my mental health. I was already addicted to Twitter. I don't know if I need more Are things to make me feel overstimulated. But I have been developing a lot more self-discipline. And so we'll see, maybe I'll be able to have a positive relationship with TikTok one day.
But embracing the shadow is embracing the unknown. And part of Shadow Work is putting the unknown under a magnifying glass, even if it's uncomfortable, and part of that as examples could be, you know, tracking your time, or jotting down your thoughts.
Make it easier for your future self.
So it's like right now, for example, I don't know if I'm going to write a book, if I'm going to do a workshop. I don't know what I'm working on. But I'm basically treating it as though I have some sort of thesis I'm working on. And I'm just trying to gather the information now. So that eventually, what I know, if I want to write a book, or if I want to make a course, or whatever it is, I have that information there. Were as my patterns in the past with this YouTube channel, I have been sporadic, with my Introverted Thinking, not conscious of my Introverted Thinking to where I will have an introverted thinking thought that I want to share, make a video, never watch the video back again, forget what I said. Until next time, whenever it comes up, then I remember it again.
But whenever it comes to having to sit down and write a thorough argument, I'm going to forget, like, I'm not going to be able to craft an argument that easily if I've forgotten what my supporting details are, for that persuasive argument. Whereas if someone preferred Introverted Thinking, it's going to be a lot easier to just sit down and craft the argument because, you know, you're already thinking about and conscious of what those pieces are, that will help you with your logic. Whereas for me, it often feels very sporadic, where that is kind of how the introverted or that is how the Inferior function works, is that it hold on, I hope you guys can't hear my mom talking. But um, um, we'll wrap this up soon.
Um, so the Inferior function is almost always going to be tethered to, or it's always tethered to the unconscious. And so there's something primal about it, no matter how good you get at observing it, there's still this very uncontrollable nature to it. And so for me, it often comes in the form of Yes, I have a thought. I have a moment of clarity that, you know, hits me on the head. It wasn't because I was sitting around putting the boxes together, figuring it out, clarity, like, will arrive, like, just like, reminds me of some quote, I saw. More, it was like talking about happiness is like a butterfly. You can't like, trap it, but it will. If you are sitting softly, it can just land upon your shoulder. Truth often feels like it lands upon my shoulder. Even with this whole video, it's like I have no clue what I'm saying until I say it a lot of the time.
I feel like, I feel when something makes sense. I feel it clicking. And it's a very, very strong emotional sensation of like, click, click, click, click click anyway, it just like, it's all like just clicking. And so whenever it clicks, I get so excited that I want to share it.
And but then what what often can happen is that the clicking happened to where I might be still operating on that premise. The truth did its job, the click, the clicking has been clacked already, if you know what I mean.
So then all of a sudden, I'm going around the world operating on that new premise. But if someone were to ask me what that was, I would not be able to conjure it up on the spot, which is why feelers can seem very illogical. Because then if you're like asking me on the spot to be in a debate or to explain why I think something, not going to know why, but the clicking has already been clacked, if that makes sense.
“The clicking has been clacked already, if you know what I mean.”
So anyway, um, I am trying to, when that happens, collect those moments collected. So I think that no matter what your Inferior function is, no matter what your shadow is that you're working on, how can you get so curious about those things? And can you try and make them physical in any way. Because if you can make it physical, it's then easier for you to never forget. And it's easier for you to be conscious of it. And it just causes less stress on you, if you ever come across a moment where you have to conjure that up, and so. But then when you start doing that, that's when I think the unknown possibilities from that can be very scary, you don't know what's going to emerge, you might find out things about yourself that you didn't realize. And you could have an identity crisis.
Like for me, I am feeling more introverted than I've ever felt in my entire life, to where the more I reflect on a lot of these things, I'm seeing how having a quiet Friday night on my own reading something that I've been meaning to read, but I haven't been able to because I've been distracted from work, it feels so satisfying, and so fulfilling, to give to myself the things that I wanted to. And so but then that also that exert that takes a lot of energy, that makes it harder to then give energy somewhere else.
So the more you start putting these things under a magnifying glass, you might find that there are things about you that you didn't know.
And you might find that your vision of where you think you're going or what the future might be, could completely change. Because you're going to be noticing these components of you that have always been there. But now that you're taking them seriously, you get to plan for them. So part of that has been my self-care is that I kind of don't trust myself, to make any promises about how often I'm going to be uploading content, until I get better at understanding what I actually need to be at a physical baseline. Because I don't know how often I can exert myself until I know how much care I need in order to stay afloat. And I feel like I've reached this point where I'm sick of withholding, like peace and relaxation from myself.
And I'm, like, slowly realizing how short a day is.
And it's kind of freaking me out by how short a day is, if that makes sense, like, like, I'm finding that I love waking up at 545 Because I love when nobody's bothering me. And I get to just journal and read and play music, or watch YouTube videos, or just do whatever the f**k I want. Like before anyone has any demands on me and just like slowly sip my coffee. I love that more than anything. But in order to do that, I need to go to bed early. Which means maybe going to less concerts, which doesn't sound fun, then I have to then I start to then I have to start asking myself, How many concerts do I want to go to? When is a concert more important than waking up early. Or another thing is that if I don't bookend my days by saying at 530 “Okay, I'm done with work.” What I've been doing is, like, really make it easy for yourself. Treat yourself like an idiot in the area, but not like an idiot. But there are areas in life that are harder for you. And so give yourself the resources that you need.
Um, for me, sensing and thinking are those things that they're hard for me. So make it easy on yourself. Don't make it hard, and then shame yourself for not getting it right the first time. So I am you know, kind of babying myself in those areas to where I make so many to-do lists. I'm starting to do this thing where at 530 I'm like Okay, tomorrow first thing in the morning these are the tasks that I have to do. Because if I don't do that and have it written down for myself, then it causes so much energy because I'm constantly forgetting what I need to do.
Um and so I'm why It's like I keep at why, why would I have to keep conjuring up over and over and over again, the same task of, oh, I need to return these shoes, oh, I need to return these shoes. Oh, I'm out of milk, oh, I'm out of out of milk, oh, I'm out of milk. Like, that's how my brain feels a lot of the time is I'm just trying to relax. And then I remember, oh, there's this thing you have to do. But then it's like, oh, I don't have to do it for maybe two weeks, or I can wait or whatever. But like, um, it's not enough just have to-do lists, I'm also realizing that in order for me to actually relax after 530, I have to say, “these are all the things that have to get done tomorrow.” Or else, I won’t be relaxing, because in the back of my mind, I'll be thinking about what I forgot. And I also won't be able to go to sleep, because I'll be thinking about it, I won't be feeling satisfied or fulfilled by my day, I'll still have this itch, that there's something else that I haven't done.
And so and it's all because not conscious of the sensing, not conscious of the thinking. And so if you need a piece of paper, or a computer, to be your second brain, for your lower functions, then do it like make it easy on yourself. So anyway, I think that I'm going to end it here. But I guess my last point I wanted to make is that I'm trying to figure out this podcast, to be honest, because I think I've changed a lot. In the past two to three years, my values have changed a lot. And I'm just I'm trying to figure out what resonates with me.
I'm trying to figure out how to make things feel professional, but also casual and real. Without it seeming so daunting that I then never pick up the tools I need to communicate. And you know, I am slowly working on trying to figure out some sort of thesis statement I want to like, make more educational sort of content in general. Whether that be like, because I recognize that I'm not very great at explaining the basics of, what is personality type theory? What is the shadow work? What is all these things, but it's like, what I want to talk about is my process with it, things that I've learned, I want to add to the philosophical conversation.
And I want to start bringing in people that aren't just Jung I want to start talking about Plato and Nietzsche and like I want to just start having these conversations. But I feel like my I'm still working it out. And it's.. I'm not moving as quickly as I wish I was. But that's because I'm embracing the unknown. I'm trying to include my thinking and sensing. And because of that, there are these factors that I didn't realize were factors that are starting to come up. Because if you think about it, like with me waking up early, when would be a good time for me to work on a book, or a blog post, perhaps 545. In the morning when no one's bothering me, I've learned that it's really, really fun and easy to write, then it's not very easy to write at 2pm. So it's like, okay, if I want to write a book, is it working for me to wake up late and go to like, two concerts a week and be constantly catching up on sleep, and frustrated that I don't have enough me time. So I end up staying up until midnight. Because if I wake up and I roll out of bed and I go straight to work, and then I'm not done till 530 By the time it's 530, I'm angry, because I didn't have my day. So anyway, it's like, I'm having to be real with myself where it's like, okay, you want to do these things, but when are you going to do them? And when is the time in your schedule that makes sense for you? And are you even creating space for you to do the things that you claim to want to do?
So um, and also, I set myself up for failure all the time, by putting unrealistic expectations on myself, there was a period when I did a Patreon group where it was like, I'm going to do a workshop once a month. That was really fun for three months, and then one month came up where I had a lot going on and it was a lot harder to do. And so I am trying to figure out how to make things more sustainable. And because I'm trying to figure that out. I don't know what to tell you guys. I don't know what to tell myself. I don't know what's going to happen because there are factors that are uncovered. I'm uncovering such as you know what sleep schedule I like, these factors that I'm uncovering are all pieces of the puzzle of what the answer would be.
So that's another reason why, you know, Shadow Work is inherently embracing the unknown, because not only is it I don't know these things about me, but it's also, when you take it seriously, it ends up bleeding into your real life, your decisions end up changing because you have information at hand that you didn't have before.
So anyway, this video, thank you, if you guys made it this far, you are a real one. And I love you.
And I would love to hear. Or basically, this goes out to everyone who is dealing with the chaotic mess of the unknown right now, I'd love to hear if you have any thoughts on how it's been for you. Because it's, it's hard, it's messy, and it's very, very isolating.
I think that's another aspect of the whole Shadow Work thing. It's very isolating to do because you end up I think, exerting a lot of energy, doing things that are harder for you, it might make you feel like you have less to give others… that's how I feel right now. And I have a lot of shame about that.
Because I feel like the more I'm trying to get myself stable than the less, I feel like I can consistently be there for others, but clinging to my ego. And what I think is known over and over and over again, and might make me feel in the short term, like I'm able to be there for others consistently. But eventually, that runs dry. Because like I said before, if you're clinging to something like.. it's the act of clinging, and the act of control, that ends up causing this tsunami on the other side.
But if you get comfortable in the unknown, and you stop feeling like you have to be super consistent with your ego and your persona, like, I'm no longer the “ENFJ reliable persona”, even though I still am an ENFJ, and that's my best fit type. I'm no longer performing that persona, in the same way. And it's very, very scary.
And it's very shameful for me to be like, “Oh, my goodness, I can't believe that, you know, my sleep schedule is taking priority over, you know, me remembering to pick up the phone and call someone.” And you know, I'm very hard on myself because extroverted feeling is my Dominant function. Like, there's a good friend of mine who we've been trying to call each other for about three weeks, and they're not mad at me about it. And they also have been back and forth with me. But for whatever reason, I take those things personally, and I feel shame about them. And I'm hard on myself about them. Because I think that I should be performing this character, basically. Which any personality type is basically a caricature. It's a pattern, it's a social pattern, and it has a social value.
Aand it has an evolutionary value for our psyche to adapt, and evolve to learn in this way to where we, you know, have our preferences and then we opened the door up for more and more, but anyway, um, I was going to have a point here but I can't remember. Um, anyway, yeah, I feel I feel shamed for not doing those things. It feels like I have, oh, that's supposed to say it feels like I have less to give. But over time, I'm going to end up having more to give because I'm going to be including all of myself and not just half of myself, not just part of myself.
And I'm going to be not wasting my energy trying to hide my weaknesses and compensate for them. And I'm instead going to try and include the wealth of resources and the richness that the unconscious has…
…which I can make a whole other video on this. I can tell you so many different myths and stories behind the idea that the unconscious holds your hidden gem. And that, like what makes you special what makes you valuable, you know, um, I'm like, waiting in this unknown. And even if it like, like I said, it feels isolating for one, it feels like oh, I don't have as much to give as I used to, because I'm wasting, I'm using more energy on these things that are harder for me and take more of my energy. I could be thinking, I'm so mad at myself for not being able to keep up with the extroverted feeling that I used to, because Introverted Thinking is taking up so much time. And I feel like I can't even see if I'm getting anywhere because just doing one little thing with it can be so draining and exhausting. But the reaction, the chemical reaction that happens between both of the poles of your conscious and unconscious is creative in nature. And doing that ends up giving you a wealth of resources that you never would have had access to, to begin with. But it just takes some time getting comfortable there.
And I'm trying to get comfortable. And I feel like I'm in a weird place where every single aspect of my life is not good, not where I want to be. I'm not happy at all, really. But I also feel more mentally stable than I've ever felt in my life and also happier than I've ever felt, even though I also am not, because it feels like I don't know, just like clearing a lot of gunk and like, I'm just so f*****g proud of myself. And I know that's like weird to say, but it's like, there's a sense of fulfillment that you can get when you are working on those parts of yourself that can't possibly be described because it's an internal experience. It's like you're feeling the chemistry between your conscious and your unconscious. And any observer can't really see that necessarily. And so sometimes it takes time to be able to see the fruits of that labor. It's almost like you're becoming a lightning rod yourself internally and that eventually being able to contain that you will be able to see the effects and your actions. But anyway, yeah, it takes a while. And it's the unknown. And I'm just going to listen to my body and realize that I need a snack. So thank you so much for watching, Psyche Design and are listening if you are listening, um, have a wonderful rest of your day.
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