Explore every episode of the podcast Playing With Fire
| Title | Pub. Date | Duration | |
|---|---|---|---|
| 171 Why Self-Agreements Will Make or Break Your Relationships | 28 Sep 2024 | 00:53:07 | |
If you have a hard time keeping relationship agreements, you probably also have a hard time keeping the agreements you make with yourself. If that’s you, or if you’ve never even tried to make self-agreements, you have to listen to this episode. This process shouldn’t feel like a punishment—I want you to make agreements with yourself that you actually want to uphold. And that’s not always a straightforward process. If you’re struggling, you’re so not alone. This isn’t entry-level work—it requires real skill-building, and we’re breaking down that learning process so you can start fostering integrity and consent with yourself. In this episode, we talk about: — Why some people struggle to stick to the agreements they've made — How past relationship experiences and attachment styles influence our approaches to agreements — The role of unconscious factors in undermining our commitments — Why self-agreement keeping is the first step to keeping agreements with other people — The benefits that come with not naturally being good at upholding agreements — Balancing flexibility with reliability in relationships — How to create effective response plans for when agreements aren't met — The importance of written agreements and reminders — Why punitive consequences often backfire, and how to use educative repercussions instead — Practical tools for improving agreement-making and follow-through Resources mentioned in this episode: — Gretchen Rubin’s 4 Tendencies Quiz — PWF Episode 149 Relationship Agreements 101 — PWF Episode 150 Asymmetric Agreements JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions | |||
| 170 Jealousy & Attachment Panic | 21 Sep 2024 | 00:44:46 | |
“Jealousy is just insecurity, so if you become more secure in yourself, you won't feel jealous anymore.” Ever heard that one before? We have, and we don’t agree. One of the reasons I love thinking about, talking about, and doing academic research on jealousy is that jealousy contains multitudes. Insecurity and attachment issues are just one of its many facets. People tend to over-simplify jealousy because it can feel like a loaded word. Jealousy can get all mixed up with fear, shame, guilt, attachment challenges, and a bunch of other tricky, tender stuff. We made this episode to help you untangle those feelings and frameworks without pathologizing or boxing in your emotions and experiences. On this episode, we’re talking about: — The complex and multiple nature of jealousy — How attachment and jealousy are related — Why jealousy is not a bad word, and why it’s actually one of our favorite things to talk about — Strategies for dealing with jealousy — Using nervous system regulation tools to help you move through experiences of jealousy — The importance of giving yourself permission to try new strategies, even if they might not work perfectly — How to disrupt habitual patterns and reactions to jealousy to achieve different outcomes in your life and your relationships — The power of patience and self-compassion when you are struggling with jealousy — How to create a jealousy rescue plan Resources mentioned in this episode: — The Jealousy Roadmap & The Jealousy Resource Center JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions | |||
| 161 Adopting a Polyamorous Lens with Alex Alberto, Author of Entwined | 20 Jul 2024 | 00:53:58 | |
When we read Entwined, Alex Alberto’s genre-blending memoir, we felt seen, understood, and represented on a whole new level. We knew right away that we wanted Alex to join us on Playing With Fire—and this week’s episode is even better than we could have imagined!! Alex’s ground-breaking collection of essays covers beautiful and difficult parts of polyamory that are rarely discussed in story-telling formats. They show us how intense and transformative metamour relationships can be, and they bring us stories of sex and love that go beyond the romp-in-the-hay format. Whether you're polyamorous, monogamous, or somewhere in between, this conversation will expand your understanding of what's possible in relationships. In this episode, we discuss: — Alex’s journey to non-monogamy — How polyamory can be a path to self-discovery and personal growth — The value of intentionality in relationships, regardless of structure — How non-monogamy can expand our capacity for joy and connection — Appreciating the day-to-day realities of non-monogamous relationships, even the challenging parts — The beauty and importance of metamour relationships in polyamorous dynamics — The power of storytelling in normalizing and validating non-traditional relationships — The need for diverse representation in polyamory media — Parenting, co-parenting, and navigating the societal pressures of raising a child in a non-monogamous family dynamic — Embracing change and transitions in long-term partnerships Resources mentioned in this episode: — Alex's book, Entwined: Essays on Polyamory and Creating Home — Alex's Instagram and TikTok: @thatalexalberto — The upcoming magazine Entwined Mag Join the global Week of Visibility for Non-monogamy – July 15-21. Visit www.weekofvisibility.com to learn more and get involved! Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Read the transcript of this episode here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions | |||
| 70 Guest Expert Megan Bhatia: Choosing Polyamory While Raising a Family | 19 Jun 2022 | 01:03:31 | |
We talk with Megan Bhatia from the Amory podcast about our different polyamory journeys, our experiences with family as polyamorous people, and parenting outside the monogamous paradigm. You can view the transcript here Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list | |||
| 69 The Year Of Opening | 12 Jun 2022 | 00:31:38 | |
Ready to take your relationships to new levels of growth and satisfaction? In a community of like-minded, growth oriented people with similar goals? Led by a highly trained expert and her experienced partner? Listen to Episode 69 where we share some of our thoughts and experiences about opening relationships, and offer an exciting new opportunity to join a group coaching program designed to help you open your relationship the smart way. Start by taking the quiz to find out how ready you are to open your relationship happily If you're ready to start opening your relationship the smart way, go directly to the application! | |||
| 68 Train Your Nervous System to Transform Your Relationships with Elisabeth Kristof | 05 Jun 2022 | 01:12:44 | |
Join us for the first episode of Season 6! We talk with Elisabeth Kristof of Brain Based Wellness about training your nervous system, and how you can use those skills to improve your relationships. Elisabeth is not only a certified applied neurology coach but also one of Joli's most treasured trauma-informed colleagues. Click here for a free video series to relieve stress, resolve anxiety and eliminate unwanted behavior! BONUS: Elisabeth and Joli created a one-of-a-kind workshop called Jealousy Rewired! Get access to this groundbreaking combination of somatic and cognitive tools to transform your jealousy struggles into opportunities. | |||
| 67 Exploring **Potential** Kinks | 24 Apr 2022 | 00:32:59 | |
Are you kinky? Nobody but you can answer that question, and nobody but you can decide what it means. There's no board of kink that issues certificates, no licensing board that decides what you can and can't do based on your "kink" status. In this episode we talk about ways you can explore this question for yourself. And some of the things to think about along the way - practical, psychological, and relational. Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list | |||
| 66 Who Started It? The Decision to Open Up | 17 Apr 2022 | 00:35:16 | |
How did we get where we are? What stories do we tell each other (and ourselves) about the decisions that got us here? In this episode we dig into how the way we remember and tell our stories affects the way we view our relationships, and our partners. Here's the graphic on cognitive bias I mentioned. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list | |||
| 65 Relationship Agreement Skills - Shared Values & Relationship Purpose | 10 Apr 2022 | 00:39:45 | |
How satisfied are we in our relationships? How satisfied can we be? How do we decide? When we make explicit agreements with our partners, we can start to see clearly how well our relationships serve us. The more we know about our values and our partners' values, the easier it is to make effective explicit agreements, which is what this episode is about. We share experiences with our relationship agreements, and talk about some of the tools we use to help us craft them. Here is the exercise and list of values Joli mentioned. Also here is a quick link to available values lists on Google. Strugging with what your relationship is for? Check out "Getting What You Need", Chapter 7 of the book Project Relationship, which has exercises to help you. It's part of my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com. It also includes easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list | |||
| 64 Trust: Building and Rebuilding | 03 Apr 2022 | 00:45:36 | |
How do we navigate those times in our relationships when trust has been violated? How can we respond in ways that increase the chance of reconnection? Are there ways to avoid situations that cause trust troubles? In this episode we talk about some of our experiences building and rebuilding trust, and share some strategies for navigating trust issues. Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list | |||
| 63 Relationship Sabotage | 27 Mar 2022 | 00:28:24 | |
Have you noticed any patterns in your relationship that play out over and over again? Are there things you do, ways you behave, that leave you in the same ouchy situation every time, but you still keep doing them? Well, that happens to us, and in this episode we talk about how those patterns show up and play out for us, and we share some strategies for interrupting those patterns. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list | |||
| 62 Wounds & Apologies | 20 Mar 2022 | 00:33:27 | |
How do you feel when you get an apology? How about when you offer one? When we hurt each other, how we handle it can strengthen or weaken our relationship, with each other and with ourselves. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list | |||
| 61 Relational Individuation: On becoming your Self | 13 Mar 2022 | 00:27:06 | |
Have you ever had life throw something spectacular at you that inspired (or required) you to grow and change? That can happen, surprising us out of the blue. It can also be something we plan into our lives. In this episode we talk about how we can do that, choosing to use our relationship as the workshop for becoming more ourselves. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list | |||
| 160 Getting Your Needs Met | 13 Jul 2024 | 00:52:13 | |
Opening up your relationship does not automatically lead to you getting more of your needs met. Monogamy or not, identifying and communicating your needs, wants, and likes can be really challenging!! It’s also crucial to building fulfilling relationships, which is exactly why we created this episode. Like most aspects of relating, individuating, differentiating, and all the wonderful things we like to talk about on Playing With Fire, identifying and communicating your needs is a skill that you can practice and build. Listen on to learn about: — The difference between needs, wants, and likes in relationships — Why identifying and communicating your needs can be so challenging — The importance of developing a rich vocabulary to describe your experiences and desires — How shame and trauma can impact our ability to express ourselves in relationships — The role of negotiation and consent in getting needs met — Who is responsible for meeting whose needs — Why writing things down can be a powerful tool for self-reflection and communication — The challenges of balancing individual needs with relationship dynamics, especially in non-monogamous contexts — How to identify your own manipulative and people-pleasing tendencies, and why those strategies can be harmful for everyone in the long run Resources mentioned in this episode: — David Cooley's writing and coaching — Dan Shipper's article on developing sensory vocabulary — The "Yes, No, Maybe" list for exploring sexual preferences (kinkier version here) Join the global Week of Visibility for Non-monogamy – July 15-21. Visit www.weekofvisibility.com to learn more and get involved! Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions | |||
| 60 Making FUN happen in long term relationships | 06 Mar 2022 | 00:42:53 | |
Long term fun? Sign me up! In this episode we talk about generating fun in the context of a relationship. We share some ideas about what could be fun, some thoughts about things that get in the way, and how we can learn from that and bring ourselves more satisfaction. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list | |||
| 59 What do I do with unrequited hots? | 01 Mar 2022 | 00:31:03 | |
What do you do when you have the hots for someone unavailable? In this episode we talk about ways to approach the feelings that come up with unrequited attraction. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list | |||
| 58 Anxiety when you are consensually non-monogamous | 20 Feb 2022 | 00:41:35 | |
Can anxiety can be an opportunity? Consensual non-monogamy is not simple, and it can lead to anxiety. In this episode we talk about how that anxiety can be an opportunity and a guide to learn more about ourselves and our relationships. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list | |||
| 57 Affection and Non-sexual Intimacy | 13 Feb 2022 | 00:24:13 | |
What if we want to show affection without being sexual? In this episode we talk about some of our experiences with difficulties that can come up around expressing and engaging in intimacy outside sexual relationships. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list | |||
| 56 Creative Monogamy | 06 Feb 2022 | 00:36:16 | |
It sounds kind of weird, but monogamy isn’t necessarily the opposite of non-monogamy. In this episode we talk about how we decide what the boundaries of our relationships are, and share some ideas about how we can stretch our imaginations to bring more of what we want into those relationships. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list | |||
| 55 Parenting While Polyamorous | 30 Jan 2022 | 00:45:28 | |
Talking with your kids about your relationships as a parent can be really beneficial for all of you, but it does take some care and attention. In this episode we talk about our experiences talking with our kids over the years about our consensual non-monogamy, sharing the problems and the benefits of those conversations. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list | |||
| 54 Where do we learn the skills of adult friendships? | 02 Jan 2022 | 00:34:08 | |
Are you married to your best friend? Do you have several best friends? Do you have friends that aren't best? In this episode we're talking about the nature of adult friendships, about the skills of friendship, and we're asking a lot of questions. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list | |||
| 53 How to be happier when big changes threaten your marriage | 26 Dec 2021 | 00:34:07 | |
The many marriages model has helped us manage to stay both committed and independent over the long term. In this episode we are talking about what happens when a marriage goes through inevitable change, because change is the only guarantee we get in life. So, when change shows up, what do you do? Do you resist and try to keep your marriage as it always has been or do you transition with grace? Once again, rituals can facilitate strong, growth-oriented transitions. Check out chapter 12 in Project Relationship for an easy template to create a ritual that will help you make the most of change in your love life: Get the book Project Relationship. One of the tools we suggest is learning to tolerate ambiguity because there are big gains to be made when we can do that. Here's an article from Ness Labs that explains the theory https://nesslabs.com/ambiguity-effect Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list | |||
| 52 Sex parties? Yes, sex parties. | 19 Dec 2021 | 00:41:47 | |
What makes for well-done casual play? In this episode we're talking about practical considerations for hosting or attending a sex party. How do we set up a safe place for people to share erotic play? How do we make sure consent is part of everything all the time? What should we do to normalize sharing STI information? What about exit strategies, safe words, logistics, ground rules? If everyone can safely pursue pleasure and we all take care of each other, we have the best chance of connecting to people and making happy, sexy memories. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list | |||
| 51 Let's optimize our sex lives! | 12 Dec 2021 | 00:34:07 | |
No matter how good your sex life is, we're all growing, changing critters in a dynamic world. So something will change and we'll want to adapt so we can have the best sex we can. In this episode we're talking about how to make sex better by sharing feedback about our sexual experiences. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list | |||
| 159 Q&A Quickie: How can I handle my resentment that my partner isn’t into what I want? | 06 Jul 2024 | 00:23:25 | |
Resentment is one of those emotions that can be truly destructive in relationships. It can turn into contempt, and even acrimony… which is why we want to help you address these feelings early and thoroughly. Whether you're in the middle of a big, longstanding resentment issue, or if you’re just starting to feel a little bit bubble up in your relationship, this mini-episode is a must-listen. This week, we’re breaking down: — The difference between incompatible wants vs. incompatible relationship structures — How entitlement and sexual shame can fuel resentment — The importance of clearly communicating needs and desires to your partner — Why regular relationship check-ins are crucial for preventing resentment buildup — How to create a relationship culture that welcomes difficult conversations — The role of gratitude in counterbalancing resentment — When and how to find a qualified therapist or coach who is a good match for your relationship goals and values — Why compromise doesn't mean compromising your core self Resources mentioned in this episode: —AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists): www.aasect.org Join the global Week of Visibility for Non-monogamy – July 15-21. Visit www.weekofvisibility.com to learn more and get involved! Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Read the transcript of this episode here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions | |||
| 50 Where is envy secretly kicking your ass? | 05 Dec 2021 | 00:34:21 | |
Envy is kind of like a feeling of want, except that it totally bites. In this episode we are digging into envy: how it can get in the way of our relationships and leave us feeling totally worthless at times. But we can use some of the same tools we use for jealousy to notice it's there and help us through it to a better understanding of ourselves. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list | |||
| 49 Using love languages to make the gift-giving season more pleasurable | 28 Nov 2021 | 00:33:31 | |
Do you want to give gifts that inspire feelings of love and pleasure? In this episode we're talking about focusing on the feelings we create and understanding our people, so we know what and how they like to receive gifts. Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages can be a useful model for helping us understand ourselves and each other, and the more we talk to each other and collaborate on designing the celebrations we want, the more likely we are to get them. Take the free, quick love languages quiz on Gary Chapman's site Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list | |||
| 48 Keeping sex hot over the long term | 21 Nov 2021 | 00:34:20 | |
There are lots of disruptors to sex - kids, grief, burnout, pandemics... In this episode we're talking about ways to get the hotness back, or keep things hot, or make them even hotter. And how to decide when it's time to ask for help - from books, podcasts, and best of all humans. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list | |||
| 47 Nuanced Conversations in Polyamory: Secondaries, Solos, and Couple's Privilege | 14 Nov 2021 | 00:46:08 | |
Poly is not mono! Which might sound silly, but in this case we mean that polyamory is not monolithic. There are as many ways to have polyamorous relationships as there are people having them, and the differences between them are a lot of nuance. In this episode we talk with our guest, Leah Marshall, about the way she experiences her relationships, and how that's different from us. Leah is the founder and leader of the Esther Perel Discussion Group on Facebook, a community of over 13K members from across the globe who regularly discuss relationships, intimacy, sex, desire, and infidelity. You can connect with Leah on YouTube, on her blog, and in the Esther Perel Discussion Group. | |||
| 46 How, when, and why to CELEBRATE! | 07 Nov 2021 | 00:29:33 | |
How do you celebrate? Do you wait for a holiday or for someone to tell you it's time to mark an occasion? Celebrations help us see and acknowledge the things that have meaning for us- in other words, they are kindling for the fire of your relationships (romantic and otherwise). Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Cited in this episode: Fiese, B.H. (2002) Family Routines and Rituals May Improve Family Relationships and Health, According to 50-Year Research Review. APA special edition Dec. 2002.
Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list | |||
| 45 Silent agreement - One person's perspective on a sexless marriage | 31 Oct 2021 | 00:31:26 | |
Every marriage, every relationship is different. In this episode we talk about Ken's first marriage, his experience of infertility, and what he wishes he'd done differently, and why. As we mentioned in the episode, follow Katy DeJong on Instagram @thepleasureanarchist if you're interested in the best info on infertility, sex, and childlessness. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list | |||
| 44 Three ways porn has brought us closer together | 24 Oct 2021 | 00:42:19 | |
Have you ever wondered how other people use porn? In this episode we talk about our own personal answers to that question, including de-stigmatizing porn, sharing it with each other, and ensuring that we are using ethical sources. We've included some links in these show notes to ethical porn sources as well as social media links for some great sex workers and sex educators who advocate for erotic freedom and provide high-quality education about sex and sex work. A very porn-knowledgable sex educator to follow @stripperwriter Some ethical porn sources: https://www.bellesa.co/ https://xconfessions.com/ https://www.kink.com/ oooo... and if you like audible erotic stories absolutely check out https://www.dipseastories.com/ Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list | |||
| 43 The missing ingredient in boundary work with guest Melissa Hite | 17 Oct 2021 | 00:33:20 | |
"Our relationships with others can only be as strong as our relationship with ourselves." That's just one insight we hear about in this episode during our talk with Melissa. We talk about how to tell the difference between internal and external boundaries, being in integrity, and grounding deeply in our body to help us know what our boundaries need to be. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Melissa is a very experienced guide for people interested in a lifelong journey of growth. If that's you, you should check out her website at www.highersexeducation.com. If you are as excited as we are about applying for Melissa's boundaries course you can go directly to the application: www.HigherSexEducation.com/boundless-living | |||
| 42 It's normal to be a messy human in messy relationships. Really, it is. | 10 Oct 2021 | 00:37:08 | |
Have you ever done something and looked back and said "That's not like me!" How does that happen? What do we do then? How can we use this information to manage ourselves and our relationships better? In this episode we talk about the Jungian concept of complexes, and how they can come up and run the show for a while. For reference, here are couple of powerful quotes from Jung on his model of psychological complexes: "Complexes interfere with the intentions of the will and disturb the conscious performance; they produce disturbances of memory and blockages in the flow of associations; they appear and disappear according to their own laws; they can temporarily obsess consciousness, or influence speech and action in an unconscious way. In a word, complexes behave like independent beings. from Jung, C. G., Psychological Factors in Human Behaviour, Collected Works vol 8, par. 253. "Complexes are focal or nodal points of psychic life which we would not wish to do without; indeed, they should not be missing, for otherwise psychic activity would come to a fatal standstill."Jung, C.G., A Psychological Theory of Types, Collected Works. vol. 6, par. 925. You may also enjoy reading Complex, Archetype, Symbol by Jolande Jacobi The Individuation Principle by Murray Stein Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list | |||
| 41 Emotional regulation and co-regulation | 03 Oct 2021 | 00:31:42 | |
It's really helpful to have specific tools to use when we find ourselves managing stress, or sadness, or grief, or any of the other feelings that come with being alive. In this episode we talk about developing methods of self-regulation that help us feel stable and self with ourselves, and then follow that up with looking at co-regulation and how we can help each other. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Cited in this episode: Butler, E. & Randall, A. (2013) Emotional Coregulation in Close Relationships. Emotion Review, vol. 5 no. 2 pp. 202-210. "We propose an operational definition for coregulation as a bidirectional linkage of oscillating emotional channels between partners, which contributes to emotional stability for both partners."
Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list | |||
| 158 Desire Discrepancy: What to Do When Your Wants Don’t Align | 29 Jun 2024 | 00:49:41 | |
Ever been in a relationship where one of you wanted a lot more sex than the other? Us too! It can be challenging to navigate, especially when you throw in stigma, trauma, sexual shame, and all the other obstacles that can make conversations about sex and desire tricky and painful. We have good news: There’s a lot you can do to address these issues! In fact, we find that when we do a little digging with our clients, many of those who struggle with desire discrepancy have barely talked about the issue… at all. This week, we’re unpacking why that is and what you can do about it, and we’re sharing some powerful resources to help you along the way. In this episode, we talk about: — Why conversations about desire discrepancies can be so challenging — Destigmatizing the topic of desire mismatches through open conversation — Why there is no such thing as the “normal” amount or type of sex — The importance of understanding your own desires first — Why even small differences in desire can start to feel like a problem — Why getting really clear and specific about desires and past patterns is the key to improving these conversations — The importance of consent in relationships with desire mismatches — How we often project inner conflicts about sex and pleasure onto our partners — Reimagining relationship norms and structures rather than assuming fixed rules — The complexity and ongoing nature of unpacking unconscious assumptions around sexuality within relationships Resources mentioned in this episode: — Emily Nagoski's books "Come As You Are" and "Come Together" — Emily Nagoski's TED talks and podcast episodes Join the global Week of Visibility for Non-monogamy – July 15-21. Visit www.weekofvisibility.com to learn more and get involved! Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Read the transcript of this episode here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions | |||
| 40 How to have a productive consensual non-monogamy conversation | 26 Sep 2021 | 00:31:27 | |
Last episode we talked about setting up for success starting the first conversation on non-monogamy with your partner. In this episode, we talk about some of the practical details that you'll want to include in the conversation. Your relationships can be whatever you and your partner(s) design together, so let's get into some of the important components of a caring transitional conversation. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list | |||
| 39 I want to be consensually non-monogamous: how do I talk to my partner? | 19 Sep 2021 | 00:38:34 | |
We've had so many questions about this! How do I bring up the idea of non-monogamy with my partner? What can I do to make it go well? Spend a little time with us talking about what we've learned through our experiences and Joli's years of research. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list | |||
| 38 How jealousy was the best thing that ever happened to me | 12 Sep 2021 | 00:45:33 | |
Jealousy shows up differently for each of us, but it is a typical human experience. In this episode we talk about defining it, dancing with it, and five things we can do to use jealousy to strengthen and deepen our relationships. Joli shares exactly how she found herself studying jealousy every day for the past twelve years and the five-step process she uses to transform jealousy. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list | |||
| 37 Summer's over... negotiating how we handle getting back to the grind | 05 Sep 2021 | 00:21:31 | |
The shift from summer to fall is an easy time to let unexpressed expectations quickly escalate to resentment. Having an intentional conversation about how we share the work of a household is a critical step for keeping your expectations out in the open. Prioritizing love is easier when we regularly revisit how we do this LIFE thing together. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube. Mentioned in this episode: Four Thousand Weeks is a great read for rethinking how we can make the most of our time. You can read about having intimate conversations in Joli's book Project Relationship. And you can find information on working with Joli at www.jolihamilton.com. | |||
| 36 Vacation sex at home | 29 Aug 2021 | 00:28:08 | |
Want to feel like you're on vacation at home? In this episode we talk about some things you can do to bring that vacation feeling home, and specifically into the bedroom, anytime. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube You can read about designing your own rituals in Joli's book Project Relationship. And you can find information on working with Joli at www.jolihamilton.com. | |||
| 35 How not to let your relationship agreement screw up your relationship | 22 Aug 2021 | 00:37:15 | |
Having a relationship agreement is important, but it can be used to hurt as well as help our relationships. In this episode we talk about what the relationship agreement really is and what it's for, and list some ways to use it to get everybody more security and connection. | |||
| 34 Three ways masturbation improves your relationship | 15 Aug 2021 | 00:38:25 | |
Masturbation has gotten all kinds of press over the years - some good, some bad, some clinical. We are fans of masturbation. Let's talk about what it's good for, how you can explore and learn about yourself, and some ways you can use it to enhance your connection to your partners. Bonus, Joli's going in deep with the depth psychology of masturbation on this one too! | |||
| 33 Individuation Accelerator: What if we don't keep the same beat in our relationship? | 08 Aug 2021 | 00:40:52 | |
Joli calls relationships an individuation accelerator- is your love built for it? Navigating individual differences between partners is not easy (and individuation requires difference!) In this episode, we share some of the ways we manage being vastly different people with divergent interests and goals. We share two key moves you can make to create an individuation relationship of your own. You get to write the script for your relationship yourselves, you don't have to use anybody else's. | |||
| 32 What do I do when my partner's family is driving me crazy? | 01 Aug 2021 | 00:30:04 | |
Our partner's family can add some challenges to our relationship. In this episode we talk about our own experiences, our mistakes, our successes, and how our relationship deepens because of all of that. Boundary setting plays an important role in all of this, so we refer to the fantastic book Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab, and recommend it as a resource for anyone wanting to improve those skills. | |||
| 31 Threesomes... what to consider before the fun | 25 Jul 2021 | 00:42:13 | |
Monogamy works really well for a lot of people and yet a recent study showed that group sexual encounters are the number one fantasy in the US. Maybe as a pair, you've started talking about including other people in your sex life. That can be really fun to think about and to talk about. And there is so much to talk about before taking action! In this episode, we share some things to talk about that can help you all get what you want out of the experience, whether it's a one-time thing or something you're interested in long-term, or something that you decide is more fun to fantasize about than act on. | |||
| 157 What Is Compersion? with Author Marie Thouin | 22 Jun 2024 | 00:55:12 | |
We talk about compersion a lot (duh, it’s awesome!!). But compersion is more than an emotion, and it’s more than the opposite of jealousy. Luckily, Marie Thouin (one of our podcast BFFs) returns to PWF to discuss her new book, What Is Compersion?, which dives into the complexities of compersion as a value system that does not have to be restricted to romantic relationships. In fact, we all have benefitted greatly from expanding the way that we understand and practice compersion to our platonic and professional relationships! If compersion hasn’t clicked for you in the past, if you struggle with feelings of jealousy in your platonic, romantic, or professional relationships, or if you just want to nerd out with us about compersion, you don’t wanna skip this one! We draw on our personal experiences, academic research, and insights from coaching hundreds of people in the non-monogamy community. In this episode, we talk about: — Why compersion is more than just an emotion — Compersion as a value vs. compersion as an escape — Compersion myths, including the misconception that it can eliminate jealousy entirely — The power of applying the concept of compersion to non-romantic relationships, and how that can be a huge opportunity for personal growth — Compersion vs. jealousy vs. envy — Addressing personal challenges in feeling compersion, particularly in friendships, and overcoming envy and competitiveness — Discussing practical ways to cultivate compersion in daily life and relationships — Why compersion doesn’t mean the absence of jealousy, as emotions are fluid and contextual — Integrating academic research, coaching, and personal experience to better understand and teach compersion Resources mentioned in this episode: — Marie Thouin's new book "What is Compersion" is available for pre-order! — Check out Marie’s website whatiscompersion.com for information about her research, blogs, and a list of resources on compersion — Follow Marie’s Instagram account @loveinsightdating — Book a FREE 30-minute introductory coaching call with Marie Join the global Week of Visibility for Non-monogamy – July 15-21. Visit www.weekofvisibility.com to learn more and get involved! Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Read the transcript of this episode here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions | |||
| 30 How to go from off-the-rack to custom-designed relationship | 18 Jul 2021 | 00:41:02 | |
You've heard us talk about making a relationship agreement that really works for your particular love... but what if you have been married and now things have changed? Maybe you still deeply care about each other but you don't want the standard-issue marriage anymore. Is divorce the only option? Divorce or not, there are actually bigger issues to consider if you want to really go from that one-size-fits-all (who are we kidding, one size is not sufficient!) kind of marriage to an exquisitely customized love. | |||
| 29 Letting your partner grow at their own pace | 04 Jul 2021 | 00:31:41 | |
Last time we talked about managing hard times. What about the good times? Sometimes our partner will be having wins, and maybe we're not, and those times can be challenging too. What can we do to help our partner grow into themselves more? How can we help each other grow? How can we maintain and develop our connection when it looks like things might be changing? In this episode we talk about our experiences with this situation, and offer some things we do that help those times develop our relationship. | |||
| 28 Showing up for your partner during heartbreak & grief | 20 Jun 2021 | 00:29:24 | |
Heartbreak and sadness show up in all of our lives. How we show up for each other during those times can have a big impact on our relationships. In this episode we talk about some of the ways we support each other through those times, and how both our similarities and differences help us do that. | |||