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Happy NFL Draft Week to those who Celebrate! It truly is the most wonderful time of the year! On this episode, the Snake and I walk through all 32 picks of the first round and tell you who should get drafted, what teams will trade and who gets stuck with Ty Simpson. ENJOY!!!

Bliss said he wanted to hang out so I rolled in with a doozy of a downer BUT we also unveil the Seahawks secret weapon for next season. 

Curious at all why the Seahawks are in no hurry to lock-in a replacement for K9? Are you also unsure of how the NFL Compensatory Pick system works? Perfect. Here's a preschooler to explain it to you. 

Imagine coming home from school and learning that your favorite running back on your favorite team just left for the Chiefs. NOW IMAGINE DO IT ON YOUR DAD'S PODCAST!

Enjoy!

A pod so large and glorious we have chapters.

6MINS - Who are the non-Mendoza QBs and which one is a freak athlete? 20MINS - Seahawks Cap Space and K9 vs Rookie RBs 30MINS - JSN Money, Small School WRs and the Most Schneider Pick Possible 39MINS - John Schneider's History with the 32nd Pick + Defensive Ends 44MINS - The Greatest Combine Performance Ever and Why He's Likely a Bust 49MINS - The Best Free Agent Signing Possible 58MINS - The Future of Riq Woolen and the Seahawks Secondary 68MINS - Do We Trust Schneider? 75MINS - Who is the Next Sam Darnold? 82MINS - BIGGEST SHOCKER IN FREE AGENCY WILL BE...

Our resident NBA expert confirms that all our NBA heroes are all dying a slow professional death and thus our millennial basketball era is coming to an end. What is our legacy? Well, maybe it's breaking all the records and redefining basketball OR maybe it's murdering All Star Weekend. Only time will tell. Also, World Cup, Olympics and WTF can the Seahawks do to repeat Super Bowls FOR REAL THIS TIME? 

Snake is already fortunate enough to have his bday on the Super Bowl, will he be lucky enough to watch the Seahawks win one on his special day?!

Dr. Nasty is here to let us know who deserves credit for the Seahawks win over the Rams and what to expect in the SUPERBOWL!

It's been a wild night and while Snake and the Commish celebrate the Hawks beating the Rams, Captain Cal is here to break it all down. 

With 90 days until the draft and two days until the NFC CHAMPIONSHIP we have:

• Emcal, Bottom and Bliss breaking down the latest in the Bills fucking up absolutely EVERYTHING (or are they?)
• Cig-Natty's next job + is Mendoza #1 material?
• the Phinnecky podcast was two years early on Stidham
• Bliss's Big Secret Project
• WHO WINS THE NFC CHAMPIONSHIP?!

36 HOURS TO SEAHAWKS V NINERS FOR ALL THE MARBLES.

HOW DO WE FEEL? ARE WE OK? WHAT IS AN OBLIQUE? 

Also playoff predictions, Harbaugh in NYC and Dante Moore NOT in NYC. 

Some legends are told, some turn to dust or to gold. 

But you will remember Zak Remember Zak for centuries And just one mistake is all it will take He'll go down in history Remember Zak for centuries

An old school deep dive into each matchup and team to determine what players were smart picks and which murdered your championship hopes without any remorse. (Then they wore your season's face as a mask and danced naked in the mirror with their wiener tucked in between their legs asking if you wanted to f....)

Daniel Jones is DEAD, Rivers is BACK, Hurts is useless and Lamar/Mahomes era is OVER. This episode is LOADED and I havent even mentioned D. Nasty will tell us how to fix the Cougs (and how the #1 QB prospect in 2017 can save the Vikings). 

I don't know what's more exhausting, a slumber party full of 9yr old boys or watching JJ McCarthy play football. Snake joins the pod to help me find the answer. 

4pts?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! 4PTS!!!? I'll let Cal take this one. 

This pod provides basically zero fantasy football value. 

Welcome to the Phinnecky GAMBLING Podcast where Ben Derige tells us all how to hit $22k parlays. Then he uses his big genius brain to pick the Phinnecky winners for this week which, to the shock of nobody, do not align with the beliefs of the Commish at all. 

Why talk just football when you could also talk about how the Mariners are now 2-2 in the series vs the dirty Canadian birds?

Dr. Nasty joins the pod to watch Trevor Lawrence trip himself into a victory before recapping a WILD week 5 and the Commish breaks down what he saw in-person with Seattle losing at the last second vs the Buccs.

Since the Commish and Zak were wrong on just about every take possible last week, might as well leave the pod in the hands of an 8yr old. What could possibly go wrong?

WINNER'S ONLY POD! This 3-0 Zak and Julian convo handles all of the biggest news such as: - Is the Cowboys D the worst ever?

- Is Bottom Trying to Lose?

- Is Najee Harris a "best that never was" candidate?

Just a week ago we KNEW Jamar Chase was gonna win the triple-crown and Bo Nix was a Top 5 QB. OH HOW EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED! Snake and the commish discuss which players were steals in the draft and which jackasses have us sick with regret.

Zero prep for the Draft?! No problem, this pod has it all! Nasty Lyle Wedding Info, Gut Dick Balls Top 10 and all the latest player updates that today's "media" won't tell you! Plus, the greatest Seahawks Quarterback you've never heard of!?!

Oh man, Zak and I have really done it now. We've UNLOCKED the vault that holds ESPN's SUPER SECRET PHINNECKY RANKINGS and are just reading them for everyone to hear! And we don't stop there! We also dive into secret documents that include which laws were voted into Phinnecky, which laws were drunkenly changed in Phinnecky on a whim, why is Zak in the car, what does the latest Madden'26 algorithm think happens to Lamar Jackson and, most importantly, WHAT IS THE SECRET OF ALEX SINGLETON?!

We don't trust rookies (Is Jeanty a bust?!), men with long hair are vampires and the #1 Fantasy Pick can't be a WR. Two Grumpy Old Men are kicking off the new season of Phinnecky and we're so old and tired we don't even know which season it is. 

Who nailed the NFL draft? Are the Thunder destined to win it all? What rookie QB is Bottom taking in the first round? Can the Blazers still snag Cooper Flagg?! This pod is all over the place and Bottom is the navigator. GOOD LUCK!

It's all projections vs production on this year's final mock draft. Maybe Zak outsmarts Cal on his own... maybe he needs ChatGPT. Click to find out!

Time to answer the age-old of question of whether an 8yr old can translate the infinite complexity of 2014's immaculate blockbuster DRAFT DAY into the modern era of draft analysis? Also, we talk "My Guys" and, maybe he did more research than me? I DONT KNOW HOW TO FEEL STOP PRESSURING ME. Jeeze, they grow up fast.

Will the Blazer's new Israeli Superstar, Deni Avdija, take the Blazers on a playoff run or straight to the mediocre middle where they've been since Dametime left? Also who is running the Fancy Gentleman's Club and which team is actually Bottom's?

Last minute chance to get bad advice on your brackets!

Not late but never early, Doctor Nasty and I dive into the history of the RW3 trade and how it brought us to Sam Darnold and Cooper Kupp just 3 years later. Also, we got drunk in Manhattan.

Hollywood Zak tells us why boobs beat out bishops and bumrape at the Oscars while the Commish breaks down which potential-NFL-dudes earned his "MY GUY" status at the NFL Combine. Also we may touch on latest with the Seahawks and whether DK really wants a trade or simply wants that #1 WR $$$. 

Our offseason expert, Jake The Snake, comes aboard the pod to tell us what to expect in the next few weeks. We also maybe dive into some three-week-old Superbowl narratives BUT WHO IS JUDGING?! YOU THINK YOU ARE BETTER THAN ME?! Oh yeah, Lyle I'll be in your hood in a few weeks: PARTY?!

All of Phinnecky comes together to shower JP in appreciation for winning the 2024 season. Nobody is upset nor  spiteful enough to predict that JP loses all of his winnings on the Eagles to win the Super Bowl. 

Bliss comes aboard to brag about winning his side league while I try to find the extra 100pts it's going to take to upset JP in the final week of Phinnecky. We also discuss the death of College Football and bright future for the Seahawks, Bo Nix and RW3. 

After one evening of rooting for Kyler Murray, Zak and the Commish crack open a beer and Pinot Grigio to try and understand the Seahawks Clenching Scenarios for Week 17. Additionally, Zak's Phinnecky season died of dysentery last week and the Commish isn't off to a hot start for the Championship. Can greatness be found when these two put their heads together to try and beat JP? Maybe Zak will offer up some wisdom and mentorship that helps the Commish rise above all the challenges... or maybe he'll complain about Josh Allen getting him 9pts vs the Patriots. Tune in to find out! 

Phinnecky Playoffs are HERE and we are bringing in top tier analysis from Bottom fresh off a three-win season. We also talk a rough week for the Cougs + Seahawks and, of course, Dexter Season 1. A+ Content all around. 

For the first (but not last) time ever, the Phinnecky Podcast comes to you from a closed bar in NYC! Dr. Nasty brings breaks open the archives for a deep dive of Phinnecky Playoff History and I break down the ONE DECISION that each owner made that landed them either in the Playoffs or in the Losers Shit Show.

These are the weeks we dream about. ACTUAL STAKES. Wins and Losses define opportunities at the championship game and, yet, Lyle maybe slept in? I dunno. Cal fills in for his third week in a row and asks the great question... why do you think you can win when your team is such crap?

For his Bday, Cal only wanted two things: a Madden football video game and a Phinnecky pod where he gets to pick the topics. After finding Madden '94 on the OG Sega Genesis, this was the last box to check. 

Do you like perfect football analysis from NFL veterans? Welp. We got a soon to be 8yr old telling us what fantasy moves we should make... and then farting. A lot. Click now for more!

Of course, Chase and Burrow go for 40 but the Ravens win anyway. Snake drops in to recap TNF, break down the Seahawks latest loss and participate in the first ever "New Head Coach Mock Draft." 

In this SPOOOOKY completely non-Halloween themed episode of the Phinnecky podcast, Bliss complains about his season while Los Angeles explodes behind him to celebrate the Dodgers World Series. 

East meets West as JP joins the pod during MNF to discuss which NFL teams are due to bounce back, what players are worth dropping all the FAAB and can Stef hang on to her dwindling lead on the West Conference of Phinnecky?

We're back and it's all about Russ vs Fields, Rodgers vs Father Time and how much did Zak pay a witch to tell him the future so he could secure the Josh Allen / Amari Cooper Stack!?! That and more (including wtf is Mrs. Dongles?)

Week 5 Preview coming in HOT with the best analysis available... my 7yr old son. 

Week Two confirmed many of our fears. QBs passing numbers are down, Tush Push is BACK, #1 Draft Pick QBs are overrated, Alvin Kamara is still the best and the Saints/Stef+Kips CANNOT BE STOPPED?! Also Nasty predicts the Cougs to go UNDEFEATED? Are all Phinnecky Owners too stubborn to pick a new kicker? SHOULD BLISS JUST START OVER?! All that and too many cursewords on this Phinnecky Pod fresh off of MNF.

Derige jumps in to tell us kickers are gods, QBs are losers, the #1 pick is dead and all is normal in the world of Phinnecky heading into Week 2. 

And just like that, the sixth season of Phinnecky Football is underway! Half the league hangs around post draft to mock Bliss for autodrafting the #1 pick and wonder how Stephanie forgot about draft day completely.