This isn’t a typical podcast, but then, this hasn’t been a typical month for us.

I took an unplanned break from recording new episodes, and I want to take the time today to share a little bit about what’s been going on for us and why a break was necessary.

Going forward, I will publish occasional podcast episodes, but they definitely won’t be weekly. Make sure you are subscribed to the podcast and receiving notifications for new episodes so you don’t miss out when I do release one.

You can also stay connected by subscribing to the Lifeline, my weekly-ish email list. You can do that here.

I mentioned in the episode that we recently signed my daughter up for tapouts. Tapouts offers weekly group coaching sessions for kids at a very reasonable price. If you’re interested in exploring this option for your child, you can sign up for a free consult here AND get 50% off your first month. It is an affiliate link, so if you use it we both win - you get 50% off, and I get a referral bonus.

Finally, even though I won’t be podcasting as often, I will still be coaching. You can schedule your free consultation (and learn more about my tiered pricing options) right here. If you’re even remotely considering it, I’d encourage you to get the process started as soon as possible. With my renewed homeschooling commitments, I am very close to fully booked and needing to start a waitlist.

In the spirit of reflection, I want to offer you my own reflections, my own lessons learned over the past year of life with my almost nine year old daughter.

We’ve had a lot of ups and downs this year. Our biggest challenges, in retrospect, have been breaking through negativity bias and navigating evolving friendships. Both of these things have created a lot of stress in our lives and have led to a lot of resistance and a big attachment to personal time. So, without diving too deep into any of the details, here are some of my takeaways from this season of our life.

As I mentioned in the episode, my calendar is once again open for consultations. Here's the link to my website: https://juliamcgarey.com/#work

It's happened to all of us. We're right on track for bedtime, or the morning routine is lined up just right to get to school on time, and then... they get stuck. They're dancing in the bathroom and watching themselves in the mirror. They're picking at scabs instead of putting on shoes. They are pulling out the markers to start a drawing instead of grabbing their backpack. Or maybe you've agreed to lie down with them at bedtime but they just won't stop talking and go to sleep...

There are a number of reasons why this might be happening, but we're not going to go there today. Whether it's developmental or a stalling technique, I want to talk a little bit about how this is landing for us as parents, and what we can do about that.

This has been happening a lot around our house lately, so I'm speaking from my own experience, but it happens with my client's and their kids, too. And I know that for many of us, when our child is moving at a turtle's pace and we think they should be moving faster, it sparks frustration. We get irritated, and it becomes very difficult to stay calm.

I'm going to give you a few questions to ask yourself when you find yourself in this situation, but first, I want to posit that whatever your child is doing, whatever the reason, it's exactly what they should be doing at this particular moment in time. Take a moment to consider that and consider what it would mean if it were true. I can imagine there might be some resistance to allowing this as a possibility, especially if you already believe that your child knows what they should be doing, they just aren't. I want you to consider this and allow for the possibility that it might be true, and consider what that might mean for you. Could it be true, then, that this is a part of their progression towards independence? Could it be true that this behavior, while annoying, is communicating something other than defiance or resistance? Could it be true that this behavior is a sign post directing you towards skills that are still under construction, that they need more support with in order to be truly independent and efficient in this area?

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To get started with coaching, follow this link to schedule your consultation. The only "hidden" step is that there's a brief questionnaire to complete (which includes a breakdown of the pricing structure). This is to help you get clear about why you're reaching out, and to help me go into our time together with a sense of who you are and what's challenging at the moment.

Prospective Client Consultation - Partnered Path Portal (coachaccountable.com)

Sleep has never been easy for us. It's been one of my biggest challenges as a parent, and it's a challenge for so many of us parenting sensitive children.

This week, I'm sharing our sleep journey and the mindset that has helped us get to a place where we're sleeping well more often than not. To be clear, I'm not sharing answers here. Every child is different, and every family has different comfort zones for what they are willing to try. My path will look different from yours, and that's okay. The key is how I approached the problem, not how I solved it.

In today's episode, we're discussing rhythms, with particular attention to the way our family rhythms are influenced by the seasons, the

environment, and our own personal rhythms. Creating a predictable rhythm for your family gives your child the structure that they need to feel secure and prepared for what's coming next, without the rigidity of a traditional schedule. A rhythm allows for so much more flexibility, so you can give them space to keep going when they're absorbed in a book or a project, while still helping them makes sense of transitions.

We'll take a look at the way our environment and our hormones affect our personal rhythms so you can use that information to inform how you approach the daily rhythm you're establishing intentionally with your family. And when all of your rhythms are synced up, everything flows much more smoothly.

Do you ever find yourself avoiding hard conversations because you don't want to rock the boat? Or asking your kids to share their toys because you feel pressured and you just want to keep the peace?

In this episode, we're looking at what happens when you prioritize other people's emotions and work hard to keep the peace, particularly the reasons why we do this in the first place, how it impacts your kids, and steps you can take to start changing this pattern today.

This episode is part of a series on frequently coached topics that seem like they have nothing to do with parenting but make a world of impact. I hope you enjoy it.

Over the past few weeks, I've been sharing some of the topics I coach my clients on that seem like they have nothing to do with parenting (but actually impact the way we parent A TON). This week we're looking at time management.

Time management is another one of those things that sounds separate from parenting. But if it's not becoming clear through this series, the way we do one thing is the way we do everything, and if we can get to the root of these things that have often been long-term challenges, we see how that same root cause is contributing to challenges we face in other areas of life.

So if you are someone who has always struggled with time scarcity and time management, this episode is for you.

This episode is part of a series about topics I frequently coach my clients on that seem like they have nothing to do with parenting. In the last episode, we talked about people-pleasing. If that episode resonated with you, you definitely want to listen to this one, too, because boundaries can be quite challenging if you have any people-pleasing tendencies.

It's not uncommon to hear parents talk about boundaries. More often than not, though, they are talking about creating expectations or rules for their child's behavior. They're talking about defining the edges of what counts as acceptable behavior.

That's not what we're talking about here.

Today we are going to talk about boundaries as a means of ensuring that you are tending to your own needs.

Over the next few weeks, I'm doing a series on some of the challenges my clients face that seem like they have nothing to do with parenting, but actually have a huge impact on the relationship you have with your child and the parenting legacy you're creating. We're starting off this week with people-pleasing: what is it, and how does it affect the way you show up with and for your child?

Last week we talked about what it means to be parenting in the gap. We talked about signs you can look for to help you recognize when you're living in the gap between the way people parented when you were young, and the way you want to be parenting your child. We even talked a bit about what you can do to start closing that gap, to start stepping into the vision you hold for your family.

In this episode, we're focusing on what I consider to be the top skills to cultivate to bring you closer to that vision, and help you start establishing an intentional legacy for your family.

I'm focusing on skills because they translate from one stage to another. I'm NOT feeding you strategies or tips and tricks because A) those are easy to find - most parents don't lack strategies, they struggle with implementation, especially when it seems like the strategies they're following aren't working, and B) ultimately, the strategy that works for one family might not work for your family.

It is possible to love your child deeply and still feel disappointed from time to time. Parenting a highly sensitive child doesn't always look the way you imagined it would, and it's easy to fall back on old patterns. In this episode, we're talking about feeling stuck in the gap between the way you parented and the way you WANT to parent your child, three signs that you're living in this gap, and what you can do to move yourself out of it.

After three days of 115-degree (F) weather here in the Pacific Northwest, I found myself more tired than usual.

This week I'm talking about what you can do to get past the guilt that wells up when you slow down so you can actually get some rest.

No matter how much we may want to, we can't control our kids. We can't control their emotions, their development, their preferences, or their choices.

This week, I'm sharing my experience moving through the heat bubble that record high temperatures to the Pacific Northwest and the two questions that helped me reframe my mindset and actually enjoy the weekend.

Asking yourself these questions is a helpful practice any time you're facing circumstances that you can't control, whether it's a weather event, global pandemic, or a challenge you're facing with your child.

We're going to talk a little bit more today about brains: specifically what being gifted means about a child's actual, physical brain. I'm going to be talking about two concepts, neurobiology and neuroplasticity, and I want to define them for you here at the beginning so that it's clear what I'm referring to when I use them. Neurobiology, at its most basic, is the biology of the nervous system, and that is essentially what I'm referring to. I'm not talking about Neurobiology with a capital N, the branch of science that studies the biology of the nervous system. I am clearly not a Neurobiologist. But I do want to explore the neurobiology of gifted kids brains: the way they are structured and the way that they function.

Neuroplasticity, on the other hand, is the ability of the brain to respond to and change because of the experiences of an individual. Neuroplasticity is what allows us to change our thinking, to develop a growth mindset, to build skills and grow as humans.Both neuroplasticity and neurobiology are relevant and important to any discussion about giftedness and what it means. Neuroplasticity is important because this is what allows gifted kids to get through the particular challenges they face. It is very common for gifted kids to breeze through elementary school, but then struggle to complete assignments in middle school when they have to keep track of their own work, manage their own time, and complete more complex assignments, for example. Because their brains are neuroplastic, though, they can develop the study skills and time management skills to be successful beyond elementary school. They can learn to persist through challenges instead of throwing their hands up and saying they can't as soon as they hit something they aren't instantly good at.

Neurobiology is equally important to this conversation, especially since there is a lot of pushback against the whole idea of giftedness. And I will admit, it's not the best term. BUT it does exist, these kids have specific needs and specific challenges that are rooted in the neurobiology, the wiring of their brain. It is simply not true that every child is gifted and their gifts just need to be talented. It is not the case that since everyone can cultivate a growth mindset, gifted kids do not exist. They absolutely do. The proof is in their neurobiology.

In this episode, we are diving deeper into what makes a gifted brain, and how you can support them in developing skills that will help them through the challenges they might face.

Some relevant articles you might find interesting:

How Gifted Brains Function and Learn - Oak Crest Academy


Neuroscience of Giftedness: Physiology of the Brain – Gro-Gifted

Relevant podcast episodes:

Episode 93: Overexcitabilities and Gifted Children

Episode 49: Understanding Gifted Kids

Ready to book your consult? Do that here.

It's normal to feel disconnected from your children at times.

With that said, it's also very possible to build stronger connections with your children. This episode focuses on how you can create more consistent connection, and what misconceptions may be standing in your way.

All in less than ten minutes, so you can listen while you drink your coffee and then get on with your day.

I've got a bit of a different spin on power struggles than we tend to hear.

Most advice out there focuses on how to handle power struggles: give them warnings, give them choices, offer incentives or consequences to get them to comply.

Did you catch that?

Most advice about handling or avoiding power struggles is built on the assumption that the goal is compliance.

We want to get them doing what they're "supposed" to do without all the resistance.

It's not bad advice. It just glosses over the root cause of the power struggle: You and your child have different thoughts about what they should be doing. And it's compounded by your expectations that they defer to you. That they comply.

Claim your self-coaching guide: https://partnered-path-parenting.ck.page/2dcf2e7426

We place so much pressure on ourselves as parents to live up to a certain standard.

We also want to do right by our kids.

and we certainly don't want to be that family - you know the one - their kids are running all over the restaurant, screaming and throwing things, and losing it when it's time to leave the park. Their kids never get along and aren't speaking to each other by the time they're adults.

We don't want to be that family, but we secretly worry that we are. Especially if our children are highly sensitive and emotions run high.

Life sometimes feels like a s#&! show, and when it does, most parents either beat themselves up for letting it get this bad or not having it figured out by now, or they throw in the towel because they feel like there's nothing they can do.

But neither of these approaches really serves you.

This episode is about finding a better approach to those weeks or months that life feels like it's spinning out of control.

Dr. Elaine Aron defines four core traits of highly sensitive people: Depth of Processing, Overstimulation, Emotional Reactivity, and Sensing the Subtle.

Over the next two episodes, we're going to dig into each one of these, look at what it means, and talk about the challenges it can create for you and your HSC.

For this episode, we're going to focus on the first and last traits: depth of processing and sensing the subtle. I like to talk about these two together because they both contribute to how easily your child gets overstimulated and how often those big emotions show up.

So far we've been talking about what it means to be highly sensitive, and what your child's sensitivity might require from you as a parent.

This episode is a big one because we're going to dive into overstimulation and big emotions.

Many of my clients come to me because they are dealing with one of these two challenges, and they're feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. Understanding what to do when your child is experiencing big emotions, and how to bypass overstimulation can provide so much relief, and that's exactly where we're going in this episode.

Welcome to the Partnered Path Podcast! My name is Julia McGarey, and I'm a life coach for parents of highly sensitive children. It took me several years after I first heard the term "highly sensitive" to realize that I am a highly sensitive person, and while it's a term that is becoming more mainstream, there are still a lot of misunderstandings and misconceptions when it comes to sensitivity.

In this episode, I give you an overview of what it means to be highly sensitive, and what this trait can look like in children.

If you have any suspicion that your child might be highly sensitive, this episode is your starting point. And if you don't? It's worth listening anyway. Highly Sensitive Children (HSCs) are the canaries in the coal mines. They show us exactly where old-school parenting strategies fail children, and they help us see how we can adjust to better serve the social and emotional needs of all children in our lives.

School is back in session for our family, and that means it's podcast season again. I hope you've had a restful, restorative summer (or winter, as the case may be). We had a lot of family time and some great adventures, and I had the space to do some more personal writing, which has been wonderful. I'm sharing it on my Substack, The Blackbird Chronicles. And actually, I've set a little goal for myself to create five new paid subscribers by my birthday this weekend. If you'd like to be one of them, here's the link:

The Blackbird Chronicles | Julia McGarey | Substack

There is, of course, a free subscription option, too. I'm all about the tiered pricing and creating ways for everyone to work and learn with me.

If you're new here, my name is Julia McGarey. I am a life coach for parents of highly sensitive and gifted children. I help parents work with their child's intensity, change their own reactive patterns, reduce power struggles and meltdowns, and create a more connected relationship with their kids. I'm also often that one person that my clients know who gets what they are going through and understands their kids. If that is something you've been looking for, schedule a consult and lets talk.

You can schedule here:

Prospective Client Consultation - Partnered Path Portal (coachaccountable.com)

Seriously, all you have to do is fill out a quick questionnaire with as little or as much info as you've got the capacity for and pick a time. I'm planning to take on five new clients this fall, so if you'd like to be one of them, let's get that process started.

Alright? On to the content. This week, we're talking a little bit about filling our kids' buckets.

I shared an Instagram post about this recently, and I have a Substack post about it, too, so this might feel a little familiar if you're following me on those channels. But I want to really give a lot of room to this idea because it's important. Now, I had a particular client in mind when I started writing this, but it's relevant to anyone who spends time with kids.

It's a little bit about self-esteem building and a little bit about self-esteem retention. Y'all ready?

Listen on for more.

My daughter is at Girl Scout Camp this week, and it's been a challenge for both of us. She's on day two, and it feels very timely to talk about helping our kids do things that are hard for them, and knowing when to give them a little nudge and when to pull back.

I'm sharing a reflection of our journey this week, including the clues that I picked up on along the way that led me to encourage her to keep trying. I'm also talking about signs that you might see that could help you decide not to force the issue. At the end, I connect this all to school refusal because it's a lot harder to just accept that they are struggling to go when it comes to school. All of the messages we receive say they should be there. But it's not what's best for every kid, so how do you know if sticking with it is the right move?

Episode Links

Follow me on Instagram: Julia McGarey (@partneredpathparenting) | Instagram

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Julia McGarey (@partneredpathparenting) on Threads

Join the community on substack: https://substack.com/profile/156200574-julia-mcgarey?utm_source=profile-page

Sign up for my email list, The Lifeline: https://partnered-path-parenting.ck.page/bb90846762

Eliza Fricker (@elizafricker_missingthemark) • Instagram photos and videos


Can't Not Won't: Fricker, Eliza: 9781839975202: Amazon.com: Books


Ready to get started with coaching? Schedule your free consultation here: https://www.coachaccountable.com/offering/PZOdY62eCVPeDpmzm3hqRO3hTOBXwRr

I'm tired of hearing well-intentioned people telling parents that the reason their children do so well at school and are so challenging at home is because they feel safe. Their parents are their safe space.

Sure, there's truth in that.

But is it actually helpful?

For many parents, knowing that they are their child's safe space quickly gets translated to "They're saving it all up for me."

In this episode, I'm offering a reframe through the lens of "spoon theory." Sure, your child feels safe with you, but that's probably not all that's going on. They might be out of spoons. They might have zero energy left for self-regulation, and you're the one who witnesses it.

When we start to see it less as them letting loose because they feel safe, and more as an absolute exhaustion of inner resources, our narrative can shift from "Why me?" to "They are so done, and they need some help."

This week we're talking about PDA profile autism.

I hope this episode serves as a doorway or a starting point. I'm sharing my understanding of PDA profile and encouraging you - if it sounds at all like your child - to dive deeper and pay particular attention to autistic adults who are speaking up about their experience with PDA. You might check out PDA Our Way FB), Unschooling Stanley (IG), Steph's Two Girls (blog), and Paige Layle (youtube).

PDA Profile Autism is an anxiety-based form of autism. Basically, the PDA brain interprets any sort of "demand" as a threat, and responds with a no. Kids with PDA profile might be viewed as defiant, but it is actually their fight or flight response kicking in. It is not a recognized form of autism in the United States (yet...) and it's not in the DSM, but it is recognized in the UK, so I share the PDA Society of the UK's guide to identifying and assessing PDA.

Another resource I mention in the episode is The Declarative Language Handbook. The way we talk to our kids matters, and this is especially true for PDA profile kids.

Listen to the full episode for a more detailed description and signs to look for.

Click here to schedule your free consultation and explore what coaching together would look like for you.

I value transparency.
I created this episode to share some of the things that I often assume people know about me that are actually really important aspects of who I am and how I show up as a coach. If you've been following the podcast for a while, these things probably won't be new to you, but I wanted to create an episode where they all could "live," so to speak.
I wanted to create an episode that would let anyone who is new to the podcast or my work can get a sense of who I am and where I'm coming from from the very beginning.

Please know that I am here for questions.
Your messages are welcome.

I want to share a metaphor with you today that is helpful for adults and school-aged kids alike.

To be clear, I didn't come up with this metaphor. You may have heard it before. But it can be such a helpful tool, I just had to give it an episode, a place to live on this podcast.

This one is all about allowing your emotions, and honoring your emotions, but not being dominated by them.

So if your child - or you for that matter - tends to blow up when they get angry or tries to be tough and hold it together when they're sad or hurt, this one's for you.

I'm sure most of you know what it means to be an introvert or an extrovert, right? Introverts are often more quiet and reserved and they recharge by turning inward, while extroverts are more social and recharge their batteries through social interactions.

Super brief summary, but it's a stepping stone to what I really want you to know, and that's that being an introvert and being highly sensitive are two separate traits. Highly sensitive is not just another word for being introverted.

It is possible to be extroverted and highly sensitive, but it's much less common.

The breakdown is 30/70. Thirty percent of highly sensitive people are extroverts, seventy percent are introverts. Keep in mind that these stats are within a group that makes up roughly 20% of the population in general. So when you think about the odds of encountering highly sensitive people in a public school classroom, for example, roughly 14 out of 100 kids are going to be introverted and highly sensitive, while only 6 out of 100 are going to be extroverted and highly sensitive.

In this episode, we look at what it means to be extroverted and highly sensitive, and how this information can help you as a parent to better meet your child's needs.

I want to share a couple of questions with you today that are going to help you reframe your thinking when your child is being aggressive, rude, disrespectful, destructive, or willfully defiant.

Because the minute you peg their behavior as negative, you start looking for ways to shut it down and two things can happen: they either escalate and the situation gets worse before it gets better, or they shut down and close off a part of themselves. Either way, it is actively disconnecting you from your child.

But sometimes these moments are so triggering, right?

The first step, always, is to start to notice when you're getting triggered and take a step back to regulate yourself. If you're skipping this part, this is your work.

But when you're able to do this and you can recognize that you're getting triggered because it seems like they're doing it ON PURPOSE, these questions are going to help guide you to your next right step.

I want to close out 2023 with a question for you to think about.

This is especially pertinent if you were sent to your room a lot as a child or you’ve been immersed in time-out culture as a parent.

The question is this: When your child is upset and pushing you away, or attacking you, or running away from you, what if what they (and probably you) think they need isn’t what they actually need?

In other words, many parents believe that their kids need space to calm down.

Many kids “show us” that they need space to calm down - or that they think they do - by removing themselves from the rest of the group.

What if this is a pattern built on a false belief system?

What if what they actually need is for us to follow them and engage in our own self-regulating practice nearby?

What if we are mis-interpreting the need for a pause as the need for space, for alone time?

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Ready to explore coaching together in 2024? Get on the waitlist here: https://www.waitlistr.com/lists/586ee643/january-consultations

You may have noticed that I didn't share a podcast last week.

I was all set to create an episode about identifying your forced yeses - the situations where you are saying yes, adding things to your to-do list, holding yourself to your word because you feel like you're supposed to, when it actually isn't an ESSENTIAL TASK, you've just built it up to be, and practicing saying no instead, and my body sent me a loud and clear message to listen to my own advice.

I literally had my computer open and my notes started, and I had to walk away and lie down because I was so dizzy I felt nauseated. I walked away that morning, and I was out with a migraine for three days.

I needed that message as much or more than I needed to share it, so I'm circling back to be sure I articulate it for you as well.

This is particularly relevant if you are feeling overwhelmed, but worth listening to even if you're not at the moment because we all feel overwhelmed at some point.

And while this is, at some level, about giving yourself permission to say no to things and giving yourself permission to rest, I want to take the conversation a step further in this episode and look at what might be going on for you that might make it difficult to take a step back. I want to take a look at three specific internal scenarios that can contribute to feeling overwhelmed AND make it hard to let go of things that aren't necessary so that you can take care of yourself. I'm going to share them with you in no particular order, and then take a few minutes to explore each one a bit more deeply.

I recently saw a NeuroWild comic about screen time as a regulation tool. It shows a cat skimming across a body of water in a rowboat, and a mouse treading water and being surrounded by jellyfish. I'll put a link in the show notes, but the gist of it was this: everyone experiences the world differently. For some people, the outside world is overwhelming and exhausting, and screens offer an opportunity to stop treading water and disengage from the jellyfish.

They also offer some examples of how to rewrite or rescript common thoughts parents have about screen time, which y'all know I love.

I wanted to give you an overview of the comic and give credit to its creator because it's a powerful message on its own. You can view the original here: https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=pfbid0ABkvmptHQY1ReA4o6gJ4fLHoo7Kphq5PhKK2op3eEj8u865LSdZc8is8nzh2P6krl&id=100087870753308

For me, though, it was a jumping-off point. I want to set the screentime component aside and talk to you today about this idea of keeping your head above water while being stung by jellyfish.

This episode focuses on some of the long-term lessons I've taken from my yoga practice and been able to apply to my life as a parent and just life in general.I'm going to focus on four key take-aways, and just know that these are the ones that came to me quickly and easily. Yoga has had a huge impact on my life, it definitely extends beyond these four points. But these really are life lessons, not just yoga lessons, and you don't need to have a yoga practice to benefit from hearing them.

If you've been listening to the podcast for a while, you might have heard me talk a little bit about gifted kids and the relationship between being gifted and being highly sensitive.

I like to acknowledge as I enter into any conversation about giftedness that, yes, the term can be off-putting. But I stick with it because most people understand what it means, and because I believe it's important to recognize giftedness as a form of neurodiversity. Despite the fact that historically many gifted programs have been filled with a mix of high-achieving and gifted kids - which are actually two different things - and despite the fact that there has been a whole lot of inequity in the identification process for gifted programs, gifted children do exist, and they have distinct characteristics and educational needs.

One of the characteristics I've talked about on the podcast before is asynchronous development. Many gifted specialists now recognize the presence of asynchronous development as the critical marker of a gifted child, not IQ. Interestingly, IQ tests are not always accurate. If a child is unwilling to answer unless they know for sure the answer is correct, for instance, the score will skew lower. If the child offers an answer that is technically correct but not the prescribed answer, the score will skew lower - unless you have an evaluator who understands how highly gifted children operate. The example I've heard given of this is say the evaluator holds up one finger and asks what is this? The "correct" answer is a finger. A highly gifted child might answer "a phalange" "a digit" or "the number one." All of which are technically correct, but aren't the answer the evaluator is looking for. They are not allowed to score incorrect answers or prompt the child to give a different answer, but they don't have to score the first answer, so a skilled evaluator will just wait. If a child is actually gifted, they will likely cycle through a variety of answers if the evaluator doesn't move on, so it's just a matter of waiting for them to get to "a finger."So IQ is often unreliable. Asynchronous development, on the other hand, is much more reliable. Asynchronous development occurs when a child is advanced in one area but behind in another. It might mean they are advanced academically, but behind their peers socially or physically. If your child can carry on deep conversations and seems wise beyond their years in many ways, but then pulls a Jekyll and Hyde meltdown over something that seems insignificant, that's a pretty good indicator of asynchronous development.

And Asynchronous development is a strong marker of giftedness.

So are Overexcitabilities. And that's what I want to talk about today. I think I have talked about these before too, but I want to take the time to dive in a little deeper today. because understanding overexcitabilities is especially relevant to this podcast because being highly sensitive falls into the realm of these overexcitabilities, and while I believe it's possible to be highly sensitive without being gifted, there is a much higher rate of high sensitivity in the gifted population. It makes sense when you start to see these overexcitabilitities as traits of giftedness and start to understand that they are often more pronounced the more gifted a child is.

Listen on for a more in depth explanation of each of the five overexcitabilities, what they look like in children, and what you can do to support your own child.

In this episode we're talking about one of the things that can happen when you start to invite your child into the decision-making process, when you start to build a more collaborative relationship with them.

There is so much potential for connection when you make this leap to collaborating with your child. There's also huge potential for things to get way, way easier for your family.

It's possible.

But even when you can see that possibility, it's not always easy.

We are so conditioned by society to believe that parenting means being a strong leader for our children, and that being a strong leader means being the decision-maker. Forging the path forward. And if you identify as the leader and the decision-maker in your family, working collaboratively with your child doesn't just require a change in what you're doing and saying, it requires a shift in identity and a willingness to let go of your own agenda.

This is actually one of the most common obstacles I see for parents when it comes to successfully teaming up with their children. They try to invite their child into a conversation, they ask for their child's input on a decision, but they already have an answer in the back of their mind.

It's very subtle.

Let's say the child loves video games and always has a hard time when it's time to stop playing. The parent tries to engage the child in a conversation by saying, "Hey, I've noticed that you've been having a hard time when I ask you to stop playing video games lately. What's going on? Why do you think that is?"This all sounds good on the surface. But when the parent is coming to the conversation having already thought through it and decided what the problem is and what the solution should be, they are not approaching their child with genuine curiosity. They are approaching their child with an agenda, a desire to use the conversation as a funnel to direct them to the right decision. They may even be thinking, well, if I can present it in the right way, they will see what the answer is.

They have already made the decision for their child. They are just having the conversation to let their child feel involved.

But it's not genuine.

They are not actually inviting their child to be a part of the conversation. They are not looking to make a decision with their child. They've already made a decision for their child. They are leading the conversation, trying to direct their child to the conclusion that they've already come to.

And sometimes it works - at least in the sense that the child follows along and comes to the conclusion the parent is hoping for.

But I want you to be onto yourself if you're doing this because even when it seems like it's working, you are missing out on something that is available to you in each of these conversations, and that's the connection that comes from being genuinely curious about your child. Wanting to know their plan. Wanting to understand their experience. Wanting to hear them out.

In this episode, we're exploring what that looks like and what needs to change internally to set down your agenda and engage with your child from a position of genuine curiosity.

I have a simple but powerful metaphor I want to share with you this week. It's particularly relevant if you've ever felt like your child was manipulating you, picking on you, or even bullying you. In other words, if your child knows how to push your most painful buttons and it seems like they use that to try to get their own way.

How we view triggering behavior in children, especially when it seems like they are being deliberately hurtful, makes a huge difference in how we react to that behavior. This episode will help you shift from seeing their behavior as an attack to seeing it as a defensive move.

***

In this episdoe, I also mention my monthly coffee chats. The next one is coming up in two weeks: April 12th, 2023, at 10 AM Pacific Time. You can register to join us here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/parents-of-highly-sensitive-children-coffee-chat-tickets-601665958077

We had quite a weekend of cookie booths and birthday parties, and I want to share a little bit about our experience in this episode and lead into the question in the episode title, and that's what does a maxed-out nervous system look like for your child?

What are your child's tell-tale signs? How do you know if they are feeling something big under the surface? How do you know if their nervous system is maxed-out? I've found it to be so helpful to know what it looks like from the outside when she is experiencing turmoil on the inside. And I'm always adding to my mental catalog. I'm always reminding myself that when I see these things, there's something else I'm not seeing.

In this episode, I'm sharing my story and walking you through a few examples of things that kids might do when they are experiencing something big under the surface and have simply hit their limit that are often labeled as problematic behaviors. These are clues. You get to be the detective and start to unravel the backstory when your child is giving you this kind of a clue.

It is so easy, as parents, to rush our kids. And when they're resistant? Most often, our first impulse is to stand firm. Push them along.

They're fighting you on leaving the house? You've got to insist. You've got to make them.

Right?

This episode offers an alternate take on how we can handle our children's resistance when it seems like they're making a big deal out of nothing. It's powerful because when you adopt this approach, it validates your child's reality. Even if it seems like it's not a big deal to you, it IS a big deal to them. And when they understand that you get it? There's nothing to struggle about.

This is a story about an emotional weekend, some silly putty, and what personal growth as a parent can look like.

This is a story about staying present, grounded, and calm, even when they are overwhelmed by emotion.

This is the result I hope to create in my life, over and over again, and it is the result I help my clients create, too.

I am a better parent because of this work, 100%.

And if you feel overwhelmed by their emotions or like you're always walking on eggshells... if your initial reaction is to wish the emotions away or try to get them to stop (by asking them to take some time by themselves to calm down, revoking privileges, yelling, minimizing)... or if you're spending tons of energy trying to PREVENT the emotions from coming up in the first place...

I can help you. Schedule your consultation on my website, partneredpath.com/coaching, right now.

You don't need to wait for them to get a little older. You can stop wondering whether or when they'll outgrow this. You can take responsibility for your experience of their emotions right now, without anything changing on their end.

This is my magic and I can't wait to share it with you.

This week we're going to talk about riding the waves instead of fighting them.

Life is wavy. It's part of the human experience. We all have highs and lows, good days and bad days, positive and negative emotions.

This is normal and we don't need to change it.

But I want to share something that I observe over and over again - in myself, my clients, the people around me - and that's that when we feel challenged, when life feels hard, or we feel anxious a lot of the time, those feelings can become habitual.

Let's say you've had an intense week. Your kid was sick, so you lost a lot of sleep and were stuck at home, then you got sick, then school was canceled because of the snow...

When your circumstances stack up like this, you might start thinking about all of the things you could be doing, all of the work you're going to have to catch up on, all of the screen time that's slipped in over the week and how hard it's going to be to rebalance. From there, you hit your emotional lows. You might feel anxious, edgy, defeated, depressed... and those emotions make you more reactive and less emotionally available or connected to your family.

Your lows dip lower, and you can't wait for things to get back to normal, to have more space.

Then Monday rolls around, and everyone is back to their routine, but you can't stop thinking about all the makeup work you have to do. Even though it's what you wanted, it still doesn't feel good. And while you may have felt excited or optimistic at first, you find yourself dragged down quickly as your focus shifts to your to-do list. And at the same time, you can't stop thinking about how much of a fight your child put up about going to school. The time you were looking forward to, the space, the freedom, doesn't ACTUALLY feel free or spacious. You end the day overwhelmed and drained.

It's familiar. It doesn't feel bad, necessarily. Just like you're always fighting. Fighting to make it through the hard times, fighting to catch up. You're always on, somehow, always thinking ahead and anticipating and feeling like there's something you SHOULD be doing. And you never take a moment to celebrate the fact that you've made it this far. Your brain is so busy, actually, that you never really get to rest, even.

This is just one example - a fairly mild, run-of-the-mill example - of how this can show up.

What I want to offer you, though, is that this pattern is a habit, and it's one that keeps you feeling on edge and anxious regardless of what your circumstances are. You might even tell yourself that things aren't really that bad, and yet you still find yourself lying awake at night thinking about how you're going to make it through the next day.

You never really turn off.

When your circumstances feel bad, you're fighting to survive. And when your circumstances ease up, you're fighting to catch up or make good use of the time.

You're always fighting.

And it feels normal.

And if you try to let go of that, if you try to just be present to the good and the bad? It feels... uncomfortable.

So you stay with what you know, you keep fighting, and you go through life exhausted and edgy.

I want to offer that this is very, very common, AND that there are steps you can take to address it today.

I'm publishing this episode a little bit later than I usually do because LIFE, but it's a fun one so here we are. I shared this as an Instagram post a few days ago, but as I'm sure you know, posts fade away much more quickly than podcasts, and I want these reflections to live on in a semi-permanent way.

I don't know if you know this, but I used to teach kids yoga. I taught for several years before my daughter was born, and it's something that I think had a bigger impact on my own journey and how I parent than almost anything else that I've done. So, here are four surprise lessons I learned from teaching kids yoga.

***

I’m going to be very direct this week and invite you to schedule a free consultation with me within the next week.

I'm going to block my schedule for the whole of our winter break because that's what's working best for my family right now, so even if you're thinking out into January, I want to encourage you to get started now.

There's no risk, no pressure, just an hour together to talk about you, what you're needing support with, and see if coaching together would be a good fit. I love working one on one with parents because together we create such a personalized path forward.

So, come see what it's all about. Head over to juliamcgarey.com and click on coaching to get started. I can't wait to meet you.

This week on the podcast, I want to recognize there are certain situations in which it is absolutely normal to have an elevated reaction to what you're child is doing. If they are running towards a busy street, for example, or riding their bike and seem oblivious to the stop sign that's right in front of them. Their bodily safety is at risk, and as a parent, that's scary. It is totally normal to "overreact" in those situations. The key is in how you recover and how you repair with your child, and that's what we're looking at today.

***

I also am excited to announce that I'm now offering tiered pricing for my one-on-one coaching. It's an honor system; you get to self-identify (based on my descriptions) which bracket you land in. Everything is listed on my website, http://partneredpath.com/coaching

I hope this makes coaching more accessible to you when you need it, and I hope it makes reaching out for a consultation feel inviting and like the right move to solidify your decision, your next steps.

Asking for help is a skill that, for many of us, has to be developed. Especially if you are someone who did well in school, was able to fly under the radar and complete the assignments adequately without needing to ask questions or get help from the teacher. For many of us, there is an internalized belief that we should be able to figure it out on our own, especially when it's something as seemingly natural as being a parent. At the same time, there's a pervasive cultural belief that parenting is hard. So that leaves us stuck, struggling, trying to figure out something that we know is going to be hard, is supposed to be hard, right, without ever asking for help because we should be able to figure it out on our own.

It leads to a lot of struggle. A lot of frustration. And it just keeps going because of a reluctance to ask for help.

In this episode, we're going to explore some of the different reasons people avoid seeking help when they're struggling, and hopefully make the process of finding the support you need feel a little more accessible.

There's something so alluring about having rules to guide you. If you know the rules, all you have to do is follow them. So when things feel chaotic, it might seem like you just haven't found the right rules yet.

This might be true.

BUT

The rules are much simpler than we've been led to believe, and they probably aren't what you think they are.

They aren't actually about screen time or rewards or finding the right system.

They aren't locked up behind a fancy course.

In this episode, we take a look at a different sort of rules for parenting. Rules I can stand behind as relevant and applicable for all.

This week I'm sharing an interview I did with Hannah Brooks for her podcast, Highly Sensitive, Happily Married. Hannah interviewed me two years ago, and we were both excited to circle back to it and share it with you here!

In this episode, we talk about how we sensitive parents can raise healthy happy kids AND have great marriages at the same time. Although it can often feel like a great marriage and happy children are mutually exclusive, they actually can go hand in hand. Tune in to learn how to make that the case for you and your family.

We cover: How to create more well-being in our marriages while raising kids -- even sensitive kids --well. How the well-being of your marriage affects the kids, both in a positive and negative sense. How come your emotional well-being is so important for sensitive kids. Tips to stay centered and make life easier as an HSP, while raising a family. How to tell if your child is sensitive, and why it matters. Dealing with the big feelings of a Highly Sensitive Child and navigating the times when children are going through harder phases. How to stop getting caught in the trap of “there’s no time for each other because of the kids” and create time for yourself and your marriage while providing the kiddos with what they need to thrive. Creating more connection with your kids and your partnership. Helping kids be helpful team players in the family and grow into great humans! And more. Come hear it all from the mouths of two Highly Sensitive moms and experts in thriving as a family when one, some, or all of you are sensitive.

You can find Hannah's podcast on your favorite podcast platform or on her website (https://www.lifeisworthloving.com). She's also on instagram @hannahbrookslovecoach.

It is not uncommon for parents that I work with to realize that their child might be highly sensitive, look into it a little bit more, and then realize that they might be highly sensitive, too.

This might mean that you are easily overwhelmed by the amount of activity and noise in your house, especially when you are trying to do something like cook dinner.

It might mean that when your child has a hard day or is experiencing big emotions, you feel it deeply, too.

It might mean that you find yourself "overthinking" things that have happened.

It might mean that you'd rather have a nice weekend at home than hustling from one activity to the next.

And it might mean that you need time to process and regroup.

All the things that are challenging and amazing about our kids apply to us to some degree, too.

So, what do you do with that? When you think about situations in which you've felt overwhelmed, it's easy to see how it can be a liability. But it can also be a great asset.

Here are a few things you can do to support yourself as a highly sensitive parent, and shift the needle toward seeing your sensitivity as an asset in the relationship you have with your child.

***

This Friday, January 27th, at 10:30 AM Pacific Time (I believe I said 10 AM in the episode. The correct time is 10:30), I will be hosting a roundtable for parents of highly sensitive children. Register at the link below to get to know me a bit better, connect with other parents, share experiences, and just know that you're not alone.

https://alltakes.com/marketplace/partneredpathparenting-community

I want to talk to you today about the value of a safe space. Now, it may seem obvious - of course children need a safe space that they can go to! But I've had a few conversations lately and some experiences of my own that have reminded me of the importance o fcreating safe spaces for your child to turn to. I'm going to start by sharing my own story, then talk a little about what constitutes a safe space and why they are important, and then we'll look at a few examples where safe spaces might get overlooked and the sorts of problems that can arise from that.

So, I was inspired to share this with you today because I'm a Girl Scout leader, and I realized last night that I hadn't explicitly defined a safe space for my girl scouts to retreat to should they need to remove themselves from the group dynamic. Why would they need to do that? Well, our troop can get pretty loud. The girls can get silly. And it can get a little bit overwhelming. And sometimes there are games with a clearly defined winner, and, as we all know, there can be a lot of emotions wrapped up in winning and losing. I always allow the girls to opt out of activities or games that make them feel uncomfortable, but I haven't ever said "If you feel like you need a moment away from the troop, I understand that, here's where you can go."

And yet, I know that this is something that is so valuable to offer.

This kind of safe space might take the form of a cozy corner in a preschool or elementary school classroom, but they aren't as common as kids get older.

As they get older, adults tend to expect that they will just be regulated. That they'll be able to handle disappointment, that they'll be able to participate attentively, and that they won't need any extra support doing this.

Now, if you're parenting a highly sensitive elementary schooler or middle schooler, you probably know that these assumptions do not hold true for all kids. Big emotions in big kids are no joke, and if they don't have a safe space or permission to process them, they tend to internalize them until they have the safety they need to release and process, or they become disruptive.

Offering a space where kids can process what they're feeling, or just have space away from everyone else is a kindness to all kids.

I mentioned last week that I wanted to share a story with you about bedtime and problem-solving.

One of the biggest things I work on with my clients is including their children in the problem-solving process. We talk about having conversations outside of the moment, when everyone has calmed down. One of the challenges that often arises, though, is time. If you are a working parent, it can feel like there's no time to have these conversations. And then you just feel stuck. The pattern persists, and you're scrambling for ways to solve it in the moment that may or may not work, and you're never actually getting to the true root of the problem.

I want this story to be an example of what's possible, and evidence for you that these conversations don't have to be hard.

Reflection is something that's strongly encouraged this time of year. We are encouraged to look back on all that we did or didn't do and decide what we'd like to do next.

It can stir up a lot of emotions: pride, joy, regret, determination...

And it's usually from those emotions that we set our intentions for the next year.

I want to offer you a slightly different approach, one that you can carry with you throughout the year. I want to encourage you to go from reflection to evaluation.

They sound pretty similar, right? If anything, I think evaluation has more of a negative connotation. Many people hear evaluation and think of formal testing, or school.

The distinction I want to draw, though, is this.

Reflection is the first step in the evaluation process, but evaluation goes above and beyond reflection, allowing you to look objectively at what is working for you, what is working for your family, what isn't, and what you're going to change. Evaluation occurs after you have reflected on a situation AND processed the emotions that went with it.

Since last week did not go as I had planned, it got me thinking about how much power we give to our circumstances. For example, we tend to attribute our emotions to our circumstances. Whether you are feeling down because you're sick, or feeling on edge because your child has been having more meltdowns lately, there is a very common tendency to link how you're feeling to what's happening in the world around you.

When you do this, you place yourself at the mercy of your circumstances, and it's very difficult to see how you can do anything to change your experience (besides changing your circumstances). When you attribute your emotions to your circumstances, you create a trap for yourself. You give yourself no other option but to wait for your circumstances to change, or to go out and change them.

You may not even realize that you're doing this. You might think you're simply feeling stuck. Hopeless. Defeated.

And it's normal to feel bad when you perceive your circumstances as bad. This is a connection that nearly all of us make. The problem is that we assume causation. We assume that our circumstances are CAUSING our emotions, and we completely overlook an essential factor at play: the way we think about our circumstances.

I want to spend our time together today talking about a pattern that emerges when we start doing the deeper work of creating change within ourselves and our families.

It's a pattern that shows up when we are making changes within ourselves in all areas of our life, when we start to change our thinking and how we feel in certain contexts. And generally speaking, this pattern shows up as a form of confusion or denial.

We see that things outside of ourselves are beginning to change, and we question the changes we see. We wonder, did I really do this? Maybe it was just luck. Maybe it was a fluke. Maybe my child was in a difficult phase and they've outgrown it. Maybe it has nothing to do with me.

Or, we see the impact of the work we've been doing, and instead of embracing a newly cleared path forward, we worry about whether we will be able to maintain the change. What if we fall back into old habits?

The key lies in integrating the changes you're making, so they're not just something you're trying on - they actually become a part of who you are in the future.