Parenting teenagers untangled. 🏆 The audio hug for parents of teens and tweens. – Details, episodes & analysis

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What is school for, and are exam grades a good measure of a human? Does someone's grades tell us what we should know, or are we being misled? Do grades help children grow and engage with learning, or do they simply destroy interest and entrench social divisions? These are the sort of questions that perplex many of us who are parenting teenagers.

It’s coming to the end of summer in the UK which means there’s been a wave of exam results and the beautifully timed release of a terrific book called Exam Nation; why our obsession with grades fails everyone. 

Written by Sammy Wright, Headteacher of a secondary school in the North of England and part of the UK government’s Social Mobility Commission for several years it was chosen by the BBC as book of the week, and applauded by reviewers across the serious newspapers in the UK, and I even found it laugh out loud funny at times. 

In this interview we talk about what school is for, the difficult transition from junior to secondary education, the need for tests and the way in which we view grades. Sammy offers up thought about other ways of looking at schooling which he thinks has become too transactional and would serve us better if it were more focused on the whole person.

https://twitter.com/SamuelWright78
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Exam-Nation-Obsession-Grades-Everyone/dp/1847927521/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

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Thank you so much for your support.

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.

My email is [email protected]
And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

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Whether your teen is currently learning to drive, or those days are in the future, it helps to prepare ahead.

Both Rachel and Susie have teens learning, so it's a great time for Rachel to go through all of the tips and data to help us all think ahead about what is involved and how to make their life behind the wheel as safe and smooth as possible.

The free RISK ANTICIPATION driving course:
https://www.teendrive365inschool.com/safe-driving-resources/teens

NEW DRIVER AGREEMENT CATEGORIES:

• What are you responsible for in terms of cost?
• Enforcing zero tolerance for driving under the influence. Discuss situations.
• Use of a mobile phone. Switch off notifications.
• Remind them of the consequences if they break the law.
• Be a good role model.

RESOURCES USED:
https://www.wvpersonalinjury.com/teenage-driving-risks/
https://www.brake.org.uk/get-involved/take-action/mybrake/knowledge-centre/young-drivers
https://www.rac.co.uk/drive/news/driving-law/graduated-driving-licences-launched-to-tackle-overconfident-young-drivers/
https://www.gohenry.com/uk/blog/bread/why-gen-z-isnt-driving

Support the show

Thank you so much for your support.

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.

My email is [email protected]
And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

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The amount of holiday teens get varies enormously around the world. For some, it's a much needed break from routine, for others it's a real chance to flip the script of their life and focus their attention on things that aren't part of the rigid educational agenda.

In this episode we talk about ways in which we can help our teens use their summer to grow in ways that genuinely interest them. Lots of skills get little time for development whilst they're at school, so it's a great chance for them to explore their passions in an unstructured environment, or get some experience in the workplace.

There's no right way to do summer, but hopefully some of these suggestions can give you ideas for things you can do; including simply working on your connection if you think that things haven't been going too well. 

Resource used:
https://www.daniel-wong.com/2015/11/09/productive-things-to-do-during-school-holidays/

The blog detailing my method for change:
https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/blog/Be-the-person-you-want-to-be-not-the-person-others-think-you-should-be/

Support the show

Thank you so much for your support.

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.

My email is [email protected]
And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

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A healthy body image: Feeling happy and satisfied with your body and what it can do. 

An unhealthy body image: Highly self-critical, comparing their body to others and obsessing about some aspect of it. 

Beauty and body image are universal triggers for shame. Shame is a deeply painful sensation from the belief that we’re not good enough and will not be accepted by a group.

Influences:

• Family environment,
• Ability/disability
• Attitudes of peers
• Social media
• Cultural background  

Only 5% of American women have the body type that advertising depicts as ideal. People magazine poll found that 80% of women respondents felt insecure when they viewed images of women in TV and films. There’s an entire industry fueling our negative feelings regarding body image.

How to prevent body image issues as a parent:

Psychologists Jean Baker Miller and Irene Stiver 1997 study said that what gives us self-esteem (the opposite of shame) isn’t a terrific outfit or success, it’s forming and maintaining relationships which makes people feel sure of their value. 

• Talk to your teenager about images in social media. Help them to see how fake they are and how digital manipulation is rife, also how everyone doesn’t look like that. 
• Praise your teenager for what they can do, not what they look like. 
• Sharing the knowledge that shame is a normal experience helps the teenager feel that they aren’t alone. 
• Be kind to yourself. Expecting perfection from ourselves makes us expect it from others. 
• Be proud of things about yourself that aren’t about your appearance.
• Avoid negative talk about your diet/crash diets.
• As a parent, be proud of what your body can do.

What to look out for:

• The teenager belongs to a group that insists on a certain body type.
• Perfectionism.
• Continually comparing their body to someone else.
• Not wanting to leave the house, or try new things, because of the way they look.
• Obsessing about weight, or a part of their body.
• Spending a lot of time looking in the mirror for imperfections.
• Linking food with feelings of guilt or shame.
• Strange eating habits.

What to do

• Talk with your child about what you’ve noticed. Don’t dismiss it.
• There are some excellent self-help books. 
• Seek professional help early. 

Resources:

https://raisingchildren.net.au/pre-teens/healthy-lifestyle/body-image/body-image-teens
The Body is Not an Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor 
I Thought it was just me by Brené Brown

Chores: 

Household duties develop a sense of purpose. Lack of purpose is one of t

Support the show

Thank you so much for your support.

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.

My email is [email protected]
And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

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We'd all love our children to breeze through school, enjoying a satisfying academic life, having lots of friends, and coming out at the end feeling a success. But what if you have a child that doesn't thrive in an academic environment? What if they can't or won't do the work? How do you deal with it and what techniques can you use to motivate them?

And our listener’s question comes from Emma:
'‘My fourteen year old is very musical, but wants to stop playing the piano now she’s grade four. I’m so upset about it, because whenever she seems to be good at something she goes so far then just gives up and wants to hang out with her friends. What should I do?"

TED Talks: Sir Ken Robinson Do schools kill creativity?
https://www.ted.com/talks/sir_ken_robinson_do_schools_kill_creativity?language=en

Books referenced:
The Self-Driven Child by William Stixrud and Ned Johnson
The Gift of Failure by Jessica Lahey
Thrivers by Michele Borba

Support the show

Thank you so much for your support.

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.

My email is [email protected]
And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

What do you think of this episode? Do you have any topics you'd like me to cover?

Our teens are growing up in a world of TikTok, You Tube and Instagram, places full of barely dressed people talking freely about body positivity and sex. It’s hardly surprising that they might have a different view of what’s acceptable from that of their parents.

In the UK, sex is legal at age 16, but any sexual images of a person under 18 are deemed child pornography, even when the person sending them is the creator. 

Research compiled in the UK for Cultureframed.org: 

1 in 7 under 18’s sends sext messages; 1 in 4 receives them. 1 in 8 who received a message has sent it to others without the sender’s consent. 

Internet Watch Foundation, confirmed 68k cases of self-generated imagery that needed to be removed in 2020 – up 77% on the previous year.

In 80% of these cases, the victims were 11 to 13-year-old girls. Fewer than 8% of young women send nude pics because they genuinely want to.

Book: When You Lose It, Roxy and Gay Longworth. 

Why do they sext?

• Seeking someone’s approval
• Long distance/online relationships, where there is a desire to have a sexual relationship
• Feeling confident in their looks and they want to share with other people
• Peer pressure
• Fun
• As a result of harassment, threats or blackmail

What to do?
Having regular talks about relationships, sex and consent. Use open questions, actively listen, and never be shocked. 

• What do they post about themselves?
• What sites do they use and what draws them there? 
• What types of attention are they looking for online and from whom? 
• How do they decide what information to share? 

Set clear guidelines and firewalls.

Boys?
Adolescent boys are under enormous pressure to impress their peers.

• Ask boys why they would feel entitled to ask for these photos, knowing the pitfalls. 
• Ask them what pressures they feel from their friends and porn culture. 
• Do they know that it’s illegal to disseminate or ask for nude images of under age people?

If something's happened:

• Speak to the school and parents of the other teenager to the get the material removed.
• The IWF can search for explicit images or videos of your child and remove them.
• Tell your girls about the #gurlsoutloud support hashtag.
• A free service to remove pictures of under 18’s online. https://takeitdown.ncmec.org/

Support the show

Thank you so much for your support.

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.

My email is [email protected]
And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

What do you think of this episode? Do you have any topics you'd like me to cover?

Remember those years when your child followed you everywhere, and gazed at you with adoring eyes because you knew everything? Have they now turned into a teenager who simply grunts, or screams at you, when they occasionally emerge from their bedroom?

Changes in a teenage brain help them to develop abstract thinking and self-reflection but they also make them hyper-critical and keen to develop emotional distance so they can practice life without you around.

What to do: Daniel Siegel says we need to teach them to have reflective conversations:

• Numerous brain studies show that when we do this (either with someone else or in our own heads) it stimulates the integration of the prefrontal cortex where planning and problem solving takes place, and allows us to tune into others ie empathy. 

How to do it: JoAnn Deak - Girls will be girls.

• Don’t assume or jump in straight away.
• Don’t move straight to the fix-it mode.
• Help them to explore what they’re saying. 
• Leave some grey areas.
• Discuss strategies for action. Don't overreact. Once you’re in the strategy phase that’s when your knowledge can help inform the teenager’s decisions. 
• Don’t be afraid to provide your moral/philosophical bottom line. There are so many grey areas it can be a relief to know there are some black and white’s.

Techniques: Parent Gym based on how to talk so your kids will listen.

• Super silence and active listening.

When to do it?

• Try to develop regular non-crisis moments where conversations can happen. Saying goodnight, car journeys, meal-times, fixing their bike. 
• Listen to the news together to start a discussion. Get them to entertain you. What’s the gossip? What are you reading? What have you been watching? What’s your favourite music at the moment? Take a genuine interest in their answers. 

Books, and materials, we've referenced: 

• Brainstorm by Daniel Siegel
• How to talk so your Kids will listen; How to listen so your kids will talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
• Girls will be girls: Raising Confident and Courageous Daughters by JoAnn Deak 
• Parent Gym coaching materials

Tangling with your teenager
Helen wrote 'My sixteen year old is dating and says he’s in love. What do I do if he brings her home and wants her to stay the night? Do I put them in the same room, or separate them?' 

ISSUES:

• Explore your own  feelings about it, and why? Convey them to your child. 
• Talk to the other parents to find out how they feel about it. If they aren’t happy, talk to the son about what his alternatives are. 
• At age 16 your child’s medical records

Support the show

Thank you so much for your support.

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.

My email is [email protected]
And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

What do you think of this episode? Do you have any topics you'd like me to cover?

You only have to scan the jokes on birthday cards in the shops to see how much drinking alcohol is ingrained in our culture as both fun and an escape from drudgery.  So there's little wonder that teenagers can be eager to join the club. But when should we let them start, and how do we keep them safe?

And in tangling with our teenagers Alex asks "How do I stay connected with my teenager when they argue, and don’t seem to want me anymore?"

Join Susie and Rachel as we combine the advice of experts, and our own experience, to tackle these problems.

Interesting articles:

The effect of peer pressure on drinking in Denmark: https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/16066350600691683

Books: 

• Alcohol Nation by Dr Aric Sigman
• Love Bombing by Oliver James
• How to talk so your kids will listen, how to listen so your kids will talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

Definition of Binge Drinking:   The Royal College of Psychiatrists clearly defines binge drinking as drinking over 2.5 standard 175ml glasses of wine (6 units) for a fully-grown adult woman or 3.5 glasses for a man (8 units), in a short space of time. 

Support the show

Thank you so much for your support.

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.

My email is [email protected]
And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

What do you think of this episode? Do you have any topics you'd like me to cover?

Just when you thought that you’d got the hang of parenting, your child changes again... and now they're a teenager.

In this episode, we have a rummage in your parenting toolbox to work out what’s in there, and how useful it actually is.

And in Tangling with your Teenager, we gather all of your suggestions to answer Natalie’s question. ‘How do I get my son to do what I say, and tidy his room?’

Answers range from taking the door off to pretending there are mice in the room.

Do you have any tips, or any great stories that will teach us what not to do?

We'd love to hear from you, including any questions you'd like answered?

Email us now: [email protected]
Or find us on
www.teenagersuntangled.com
https://instagram.com/teenagersuntangled

Experts mentioned in the podcast:
👉🏻Www.aricsigman.com
👉🏻Jesper Juul: Your Competent Child

Support the show

Thank you so much for your support.

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.

My email is [email protected]
And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

What do you think of this episode? Do you have any topics you'd like me to cover?

It's incredibly frustrating to parent a teen who seems smart but is constantly late, can't set effective goals, can't keep going after their initial burst of enthusiasm, who's messy, doesn't start projects on time, or can't seem to control their impulses. 

Are they being lazy or is it that they lack a key skill which is holding them back? The latest book I read makes it clear that problems with any of these tasks isn't necessarily lack of interest or laziness, but can be a lack of skill in an area called executive function. 

In this episode I talk through the types of executive function deficits, and how we can spot them. What's exciting is that the book implies that with the right training our teens can learn how to overcome the sorts of things that drive us nuts and are holding them back from achieving their goals. 

It's an exciting prospect, because it puts the emphasis on the need to learn skills rather than on personal failing, and gives us parents hope that by being supportive in slowly acquiring the skills our kids can lead lives free of the enormous frustrations that these deficits can cause.

BOOK:
Smart but Scattered Teens, by Richard Guare PhD, Peg Dawson, EdD, and Colin Guare

Support the show

Thank you so much for your support.

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.

My email is [email protected]
And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk