Explore every episode of the podcast Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction
| Title | Pub. Date | Duration | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Is It My Fault He Cheated On Me? | 01 Aug 2024 | 01:01:04 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami answer some of their community’s questions about addiction, betrayal, and more. In this episode, Dr. Rob explains the difference between intimacy and sex, why certain types of men/addicts cheat, and why the partners’ of addicts often self-blame; but it is completely not their fault. If you’re looking for additional support, Seeking Integrity has a number of free resources for both people with sex/porn addiction as well as their betrayed partners on the Seeking Integrity website.
TAKEAWAYS: [0:45] You can’t control what your addict/betrayer is doing, so you need to protect and take care of you. [5:00] If I have sex with him/her, will they stop their affairs? [7:30] You deserve to be treated like a person. You deserve to be treated in a respectful manner. [11:15] What happens to someone with a porn addiction? [15:55] When you detox from porn, don’t switch to other compulsive behaviors. [20:35] As someone with addictions, you are allowed to ask for a time out with your partner to calm down. [22:35] Unfortunately, after you’ve hurt your partner, you can’t depend on them to boost your self-esteem. [30:25] Dr. Rob, can you talk more about why it’s ‘not about sex’ when someone acts out sexually? [39:50] How long should I go without physical intimacy after a betrayal? [44:15] Please, please, please if you’re a betrayed partner, go to the doctor and get a full screening. Addicts lie and you need to take your health into your own hands. [50:10] Why do betrayed partners stay with their addicts? [55:00] Tami shares a few group resources for betrayed partners looking for support.
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
QUOTES
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| When Do I Need Help for My Addiction? | 27 Jun 2024 | 01:00:16 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami share what a couple can expect when they sit down and talk with Dr. Rob in person or over Zoom when they are ready to address their infidelity and addiction issues. How do you know if a residential treatment is right for you? What do you do when your spouse still continues to lie to you after formal disclosure? All these questions answered, and more!
TAKEAWAYS: [0:45] How long does it take to rewire a porn-addicted mind? [4:50] Addicts think, ‘they can’t live without this’ but when they take a pause they realize that they didn’t die. That they can push through. [6:45] My husband said he’d be honest about the affairs going forward. This has been a complete lie. Where do I go from here? [8:45] Whatever you do, don’t give up on you. [14:15] Unfortunately, you may never get what you want from that person. [20:25] I fluctuate between me being a horrible person vs. me being a good person that just did a horrible thing. How can I differentiate? [25:55] I struggle to take ownership. Not sure what I should do? [34:25] If you have a question about your spouse’s addiction, write it down. Collect them, and then sit down at a scheduled time and talk about them. [37:45] How do you know if residential treatment makes sense for you? [45:00] What does it mean to do a consultation with Dr. Rob?
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
QUOTES
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| Am I Just Having Fun, or Is This a Full-Blown Addiction? | 08 Nov 2023 | 00:31:48 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami break down the gray area between just having fun, being “at-risk” for an addiction, and being a full-blown addict. It can be difficult to define the line fully when you’re in the middle of a “good time.” Dr. Rob offers various considerations for you to think about to determine whether you’re barely teetering the line or if you’re in a bad and unsustainable place.
TAKEAWAYS: [:35] I believe my partner is a narcissist and a sex addict. He’s hurting me but I can’t seem to walk away. How can I just leave him? [8:40] Have a three-circle plan! You need a healthy plan that will value you. [10:50] Can you become addicted to friendships? [15:50] My betrayed partner doesn’t believe me anymore, even when I’m telling her the truth. Do I just agree with her? [22:30] Is there an in-between stage where someone can be between “at-risk” for an addiction vs. being a complete addict? [26:55] Do I need to do yet another formal disclosure with my addict? We just don’t have the money for another therapist right now.
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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| My Wife Has a Pattern of Infidelity, but I Love Her | 03 Nov 2023 | 00:26:50 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a betrayed partner about his wife’s recurring infidelity. What first begins as innocent text messages with a stranger quickly turn sexual for her. It’s a pattern that has repeated over and over. As he is trying to save the relationship, he wonders if this is all due to her traumatic and awful past where she was a victim of sexual abuse as a child. Dr. Rob clarifies on what might be going on with a female sex addict.
TAKEAWAYS: [:35] My wife goes through the same sexual infidelity patterns. Is this due to unresolved childhood sexual trauma? [8:45] When your wife acts out, what are some of the consequences that happen? [14:40] There is a men’s betrayed partner group that you can attend to get the support you need! [16:00] I told my children about my addiction. One of them is extremely Christian and disapproves. How do I heal the relationship with my children? [22:05] Focus on the work and let go of the outcome. It might not be possible to repair the relationship so soon after recovery. [22:55] Now that I am in recovery, I am finishing within minutes. This has never happened before. What’s going on?
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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| She Cheated on Me! And Yet, I’m the One in Recovery? | 26 Oct 2023 | 00:32:30 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from an addict who has also been betrayed by his spouse. They have both hurt each other with their addictions/infidelities, however, it seems unfair that he’s in treatment for his demons and she is running around scot-free. Dr. Rob and Tami explain how you can move forward and focus on your own recovery despite experiencing a betrayal from your partner.
TAKEAWAYS: [:45] I’m absolutely DONE with my addict. I can’t move out yet, so what can I do for my own safety? [5:00] I feel like I’m repressing my sexuality when I’m sober. Because of this, I can’t seem to be sober for long periods. How do I become healthy? [8:50] Recovery is all about doing things; positive and good things for you. [9:45] How can I communicate to my separated spouse that I’m on a good recovery path now? [12:25] My SA is just not taking recovery seriously. How long does it take to stop messing up and get serious about this? [18:20] My wife has had a sexual affair. I'm not innocent either, but I feel like I’m the punching bag in this whole situation. Why am I the bad guy here? [21:50] My addict is just a mess. How can I safely disengage from all this pain? [25:15] When does it make sense for me to go back to dating as an addict? [27:20] Is it common for terrible people to try and get “honorable” jobs to look good/better on the outside?
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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| Why Should I Write Down All My Anger and Hurt? | 20 Oct 2023 | 00:31:34 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami talk about the healing properties a journal practice can have. A listener wrote that her therapist wants her to journal out the resentment and anger that her SA has caused her, but the mere thought of doing this gets her re-triggered and angry all over again. Is there really a point to all of this aside from re-remembering the betrayal?
TAKEAWAYS: [:25] My SA husband’s entire family has suffered from some sort of sexual addiction or abuse. Is all of this hereditary? [8:30] How can intermittent reward cause or enhance relationship addiction? [16:15] What’s the point of writing my betrayal down? I feel so angry just thinking about it. [18:50] If you have a lot of anger inside you, a journal practice can be very healing. [19:45] My addict is weaseling out of our initial agreement. What should I do? [26:05] If you’re not doing the work, then it doesn’t matter what you say or do. [26:15] He’s sober but still can’t be intimate with me. He says he feels shame. Is this just an excuse?
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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| Can Harm Reduction Be Considered Sober? | 11 Oct 2023 | 00:28:48 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami talk about whether it makes sense for an addict to be put on a harm reduction treatment for sex addiction. A listener writes in wondering if he should completely stop or if reducing the impact and damage through harm reduction is a good starting point. Dr. Rob sets the record straight on what he thinks about harm reduction and honesty.
TAKEAWAYS: [:45] My partner admitted he’s a liar and a cheater, but will not admit he’s an addict. He doesn’t “relate” to it. Will he ever be sober? [5:20] How can someone not be co-dependent if they have no sense of self? [12:30] I’m not ready to tell my family about his addiction, but I also feel like I’m hiding a big part of myself from them. How do I manage both worlds? [15:50] How do I let go of old PTSD? I keep retraumatizing myself. [20:05] My husband says all the right things but there’s no real empathy. [25:20] I have been sober for a year, but I still use harm reduction techniques. Does this still count as sober?
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss | |||
| I Really Want to Change but My Empathy is Broken | 10 Oct 2023 | 00:33:02 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a listener who is struggling to be a more empathetic person to their partner. Despite his best efforts, he can’t seem to be present and emotionally available for her. Is this because he has ADHD? Is he just broken? How can he fix this? Dr. Rob and Tami offer a more detailed insight into what might actually be going on.
TAKEAWAYS: [:25] How do I build trust with myself again to pick better after dating a sex addict? [2:35] Date them long enough to see if they have the ability to self-reflect. [7:15] My empathy is broken. How do I change? [18:25] I think I’m addicted to him, but I’ve read that you can’t be addicted to a person. How do you explain this? [20:15] What are sex addicts actually addicted to? [28:15] Is there a rough draft of what healthy boundaries look like? [30:15] Dr. Rob offers some examples of what a boundary would look like with an addict.
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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| He Is Super Jealous Despite Being the One Who Cheated on Me! | 28 Sep 2023 | 00:27:49 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami talk about what to do when your addict is incredibly jealous when you have friends of the opposite sex. It seems very hypocritical when they’re the ones who caused harm and cheated in the first place. Dr. Rob and Tami talk about how to set healthy boundaries with someone who is out-of-their-mind jealous.
TAKEAWAYS: [:35] How do I believe my addict is being honest without a polygraph? [6:25] My boyfriend is obsessed with his niece. Very touchy with her. This seems very strange. [11:30] He accuses me of being close to other men despite him being the one who cheated. How can I be calm when addressing this behavior? [15:55] He’s never been honest about him acting out. I have to catch him in the act. What should I do? [20:00] You’re incredibly focused on him and his needs, but what about you? What are your needs? [21:05] My husband dropped two big bombs on me. Is this marriage just over?
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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| The 12-Steps Just Don’t Work For Me. I Just Don’t Fit In | 22 Sep 2023 | 00:31:45 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami discuss what an addict can do if the 12-step program just isn’t for them. Should they stop going? Should they keep white-knuckling it? Tami offers resources for those who feel very out of place at these particular meetings. When it comes to recovery, getting the help you need and doing so correctly is the most important step in the process.
TAKEAWAYS: [:35] I noticed my SA and other SA men do not have healthy male friendships. Is this normal? [4:15] If these unhealthy female relationships make you uncomfortable, you need to voice your concerns. [6:45] My SA wants guarantees from me that I’ll still be with him once he enters into a program. How do I handle this? [11:00] Every therapist says addiction isn’t about the sex, however, my addict says otherwise. What do you think, Dr. Rob? [14:30] Why do addicts have intimate avoidant attachment issues? [18:05] I don’t seem to fit into the 12-Step program but I still go anyway. Is there any chance I can find integrity without attending these particular meetings? [24:55] What does a healthy sexual relationship look like in a married couple? [27:40] If you’re a betrayed spouse, please read Dr. Rob’s book Prodependence. It will help clarify any questions you might have.
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss “What is the Concept of ‘Home,’ Really?”
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| What Are the Triggers of a Midlife Addiction? | 14 Sep 2023 | 00:29:24 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami discuss why someone would “suddenly” become an addict in their mid-40s. Sometimes, there were no inklings that this person was even an addict in the first place, but how true is that? Dr. Rob breaks down why someone might become an addict out of the blue in this week’s episode.
TAKEAWAYS: [:35] My husband has nocturnal emissions. Is this normal or is he just lying? [8:05] My husband left some things out in formal disclosure. His therapist doesn’t think these details were important. Is there any hope that he’ll change? [13:05] Dr. Rob is concerned for people who lie in their recovery groups and to their therapists. [17:35] Is it ever possible that an addiction starts after a mid-life crisis? [20:45] How do I focus on my recovery when my partner isn’t sure if she wants to be with me? [23:25] What is the difference between prodependency and codependency? [27:15] How can I retrain my mind and be a better man?
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss What is the Concept of “Home,” Really?
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| Am I Ready to Date Again as a Sex Addict? | 07 Sep 2023 | 00:29:13 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami dive into when it makes sense for someone to date again after being sober and in recovery from sex, love, or porn addiction. This can be tricky for some professionals to determine, but Dr. Rob and Tami walk through some of the questions you need to ask yourself before you take that next step in the relationship. Remember, the goal isn’t to have sex in the dating process, it’s to get to know that person.
TAKEAWAYS: [:35] How do I know if someone in recovery is ready to date again? [5:15] The goal isn’t to have sex. The goal is to get to know the person. [6:25] Dr. Rob, can you explain what is a home? [15:15] I am having a hard time coping with my addictions. What can I do? [20:45] It takes work to become a better person. [25:00] Do people with OCD also have a higher chance to suffer from addiction?
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss “What is the Concept of ‘Home,’ Really?”
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| I Just Love My Addict Spouse, But Yet They Always Hurt Me | 30 May 2024 | 00:59:48 | |
Erin Snow, Clinical Director for Seeking Integrity, joins Tami on this episode to help talk about the importance of internal and regulation work, while also healing your hurt inner child. She speaks to betrayed spouses who are in love or have grief from loving their addict spouse, and more in today’s episode.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] He claims to be sober, but he’s doing nothing to be sober? [4:00] Men struggle to create intimate bonds with other men. [15:50] It takes work to counteract what the brain wants to do. [18:15] Most people who struggle with addiction don’t even know what they want at the moment. [20:55] Losing a friend is painful. Losing a partner? Even more so. It takes a lot of work to be comfortable in your own skin. [22:45] Erin talks about a woman’s retreat and how empowering it can be for women who have addicts in their lives. [24:50] These women all share the same pain; loving their addict. [28:55] Life isn’t fair, but you can always choose to focus on yourself! [29:20] We are separated and in couple’s therapy. I’m in grief. How do I practice self-care on a daily basis? [38:20] Sometimes addicts just don’t want to make the decision to leave, so the partner has to do it for them. [45:20] A porn addiction has damaged our relationship. How can we reconnect sexually again? [53:10] He is addicted to prostitutes. I depend on him and he resents me. How do I heal?
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
QUOTES
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| He Blames Me for All of His Affairs. What?! | 31 Aug 2023 | 00:29:27 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a betrayed spouse whose sex addict husband isn’t doing the work. He says that he won’t act out anymore because she’s “fixed” after all the therapy she’s doing. What kind of logic is this? Dr. Rob calls out this deflection behavior and wants every betrayed spouse to remember three important and critical things about themselves.
TAKEAWAYS: [:35] My husband says he’ll kill himself before he’ll act out again. Not sure what to make out of this? Should I be concerned? [6:05] My SA is so mean that when he does something nice, I think it’s malicious. How do I view him in a better light? [9:35] Is masturbation considered a betrayal? [13:35] Addicts are very good at compartmentalizing. We have an intimacy disorder. [16:40] My husband is no longer in a program. He believes he won’t be acting out anymore because I’m all “fixed.” Can I trust this? [21:05] Spouses! Dr. Rob wants you to write these three things down on pen and paper. [23:20] You can contribute to the problems in your marriage, but you cannot contribute to someone else making a decision toward what they want to do with their life. [25:15] Addicts have a million ways of telling you it’s your fault.
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss | |||
| My 9-Year-Old Daughter Found Out About His Affairs and Now She’s Self-Harming | 28 Aug 2023 | 00:25:38 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a distraught mother who has no idea how to work through her daughter’s feelings and emotions about her father’s sexual betrayal. Despite the young daughter going to a therapist, the mother is receiving news from him that she should be 100% honest with her daughter about what’s happening in the household. Dr. Rob weighs in on how this isn’t healthy or good advice, and how to best approach this instead.
TAKEAWAYS: [:45] My 9-year-old daughter found out about his affairs and is now self-harming. What can I do to help her through this? [7:00] My wife stopped mid-way through formal disclosure. I revealed more info to her a few months later, and now she wants a divorce. How can I best show up for her now? [14:25] My husband has been in and out of sobriety. Am I crazy that this man just isn’t doing the work? [19:25] Your spouse just isn’t in recovery. He's checking the minimal boxes. What can you do to show up for you? [20:55] I don’t think I will ever be able to have sex with this man ever again. Should I just leave this relationship?
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss | |||
| No! You Ruined My Life and I Hate You! | 10 Aug 2023 | 00:32:15 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami talk about how a betrayed spouse can work towards forgiving their partner who is suffering from sex addiction or other related issues. Many addicts fail to understand why it takes their spouse so long to recover from their betrayal. Dr. Rob explains from a betrayed spouse’s point of view how, and when, to move forward.
TAKEAWAYS: [:35] What’s the difference between chronic cheating vs. being a sex addict? [3:55] It’s easy for SA to justify their poor behaviors. [4:45] If you can’t stop the cheating, get help. [8:35] Assessments are a vital tool to really dive deep into why someone is acting out the way they are. [10:55] You have to address the mental health issues that surround whatever the addict is going through that is causing them to act out. [11:55] How do I know if someone is a love addict? [15:45] As a betrayed partner, I keep waiting for the next shoe to drop. What should I do? [25:40] My spouse is completely done with me. How can I still stay motivated on my recovery journey?
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss | |||
| I’m Sober But I Still Get Turned On by My Own Body | 03 Aug 2023 | 00:34:46 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami discuss whether a listener is truly living a sober life. The listener asked if it’s okay to masturbate to pictures of their own body now that they’re sober from porn. Dr. Rob weighs in on his interesting thoughts on the matter. Dr. Rob also answers questions about when is a good time to initiate intimacy with a SA, and much more.
TAKEAWAYS: [:45] My addict is doing “borderline” sketchy behavior but hasn’t actually done anything or crossed a line. Should I be mad? [7:10] I’m a female SA in recovery and now I get off to pictures of my own body. Is this normal? [12:40] My SA is new to recovery. Is now a good time to challenge him on different ways we can create intimacy without sex? [21:50] I’m not ready to tell our immediate family about his addiction. Should we ever tell them? [26:45] I started watching porn when I was 8. I think I am a heterosexual, but I am not sure. How do I know for sure? [30:00] How long will it take my addict to “figure himself” out?
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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| She Hates My Past. How Can I Support Her? | 28 Jul 2023 | 00:30:56 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami offer advice from a husband who has betrayed his spouse. Although he’s been sober for 22 months now, his wife still feels so hurt by his past actions. He automatically wants to be on the defensive when she’s upset, but can’t. What are some of the best ways he can comfort his wife? Dr. Rob and Tami share different approaches to help this couple move forward and toward healing.
TAKEAWAYS: [:25] My spouse and I each have our own therapists. Does it ever make sense for us to meet with the same therapist? [8:35] My former sex addict also babysits little children, should I be concerned for those little girls’ safety? [15:25] My wife is still upset about my past. How can I comfort her during this time? [19:45] Tami offers some different ways/words you can communicate to your betrayed spouse. [21:10] Dr. Rob talks about why we might act out “randomly.” [26:45] There’s nothing wrong with having an escape plan to get out of a very triggering moment for you.
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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| I’m Not Ready to Tell My Spouse I’m an Addict | 21 Jul 2023 | 00:33:10 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from someone who is “white knuckling” their recovery. They’re not leveraging their resources to the fullest because their recovery and journey to sobriety are still in secret. Dr. Rob and Tami explain why this isn’t considered a healthy path to long-term recovery, despite being sober.
TAKEAWAYS: [:50] I really feel like his recovery journey is too good to be true. Is he really progressing, or is it all still a lie? [9:45] I am 100 days sober, but my wife doesn’t know about my addictions. What should I do? [17:30] Is he no longer acting out, or is he just really good at hiding it? [23:55] Can voyeurism and exhibitionism be “cured”? [25:55] He backpedals when he makes a mistake. How do I cope when he makes these slips?
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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| My Husband Publicly Exposes Himself for Fun | 13 Jul 2023 | 00:29:57 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami talk about sex offenders in this week’s episode and how to work with someone who exposes themselves to people non-consensually. The listener admits that her husband has been exposing himself in public parks for a number of years and is concerned that there is no hope for this person in recovery. Dr. Rob and Tami talk about how you begin to work a recovery program as a sex offender.
TAKEAWAYS: [:50] Will my spouse unlearn his toxic masculinity while in recovery? [4:00] Can you explain a little bit more about behavioral process addictions? [9:20] How can I practice prodependence? [13:45] Is recovery/treatment time based on how long someone has been acting out? [18:15] My SA husband has been exposing himself in public parks. Can this be treated? [25:40] Is it possible to work 12-step for substance and sex at the same time?
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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| Why Is My Addict Such a Liar?! | 06 Jul 2023 | 00:27:10 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami talk about compulsive liars in this week’s episode and the reasoning behind someone who can’t seem to tell the truth. If you are a betrayed spouse to someone who regularly lies and deceives, it can be hard to understand why lying can be the go-to safety mechanism for protection. Dr. Rob explains further in this episode why some addicts just can’t stop lying.
TAKEAWAYS: [:30] Why is sex addiction not about sex? [3:35] I had a relapse and my partner is fed up. I want to build trust again, but she just doesn’t believe me. What can I do? [9:20] You have to want recovery because you’ll be doing it for a long time. [12:10] Does it make sense to have a marital absence if my partner has a porn addiction? [15:30] If you don’t feel safe with someone and if you don’t trust them, don’t have sex with them! [17:10] My husband lies about his recovery. He’s not doing the work! [22:45] Is your partner a lost cause? Dr. Rob can help. [23:00] I think he’s a compulsive liar. Is this connected to his addiction?
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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| He Just Doesn’t Care About Sobriety. Can An Addict Ever Recover? | 29 Jun 2023 | 00:29:14 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami discuss if it’s possible for an addict to get better when he/she shows all the signs of not putting in the work. Will this person ever wake up to the reality of the pain that they’re causing friends and family? And if not, what can the partner do to protect themself from this situation? Dr. Rob and Tami answer all of this and more.
TAKEAWAYS: [:30] I’m on my last hope with my partner. Will he ever get sober? [5:35] The path to recovery is bumpy, but so worth it. [8:20] If your partner isn’t doing the work, then it might be best to grieve him and then move on. [9:10] My addict was the worst thing to happen in my life. How do I stop stressing out about my past? [14:20] When you don’t like where you are, that’s when you’re more likely to turn on yourself. [15:45] My addict is NOT willing to do the work. What can I do? [16:55] You can’t make anybody change. [22:25] Most times addicts don’t come into treatment centers for themselves. [27:30] Do you want to punish your addict or do you want to feel better about yourself?
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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| Can My Children Inherit This Addiction Disease? | 22 Jun 2023 | 00:29:26 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami talk about whether your children can become addicts if there’s been generational evidence that addiction and disorders run in the family lineage. The listener also asks if it makes sense to Dr. Rob and Tami to disclose their spouse’s addiction to their grown children to warn them about this disease being hereditary. This can be a bit of a complicated question to answer, but Dr. Rob and Tami do a deep dive into ways to approach this subject.
TAKEAWAYS: [:30] I want to help him heal, but I can’t help him take the next steps. What should I do? [3:40] You need to set boundaries between yourself and your loved one. [7:40] My addict had a slip and I’m super angry, but are these slips a good thing? [10:40] It’s your job to be hurt and angry! However, there is a silver lining. [13:20] It’s up to them to stay sober. You did nothing wrong. [14:45] He keeps disclosing things I don’t want to know about. How do I make him stop? [19:45] Will my children inherit this disease? Should I tell them? [25:10] Dr. Rob wished one of his parents owned up to their screwed-up mistakes when he was younger.
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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| FAQ for 12-Step Programs for Sex Addicts Answered in this Podcast! | 06 May 2024 | 01:05:45 | |
Tami and Scott, the Director of Content Development at Seeking Integrity, answer some common questions people new to recovery might have. They cover everything from the difference in SA 12-step programs, what to look for, and what types of resources are available for SA-specific individuals and their betrayed spouses.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] Today’s episode covers common questions around the 12-step program. [3:25] A 12-step program teaches us how to be honest with ourselves and others. [3:45] Why are 12-step programs different for sex addicts? [5:00] SA and eating disorder programs are different because we have to define our own sobriety. [5:55] Scott breaks down the different SA groups you can join. [11:40] How do I find the right resources for my specific needs? [17:35] What should a betrayed spouse look for/do? [18:15] What about programs that aren’t 12-step focused? [20:20] Remember, 90 meetings in 90 days doesn’t mean you’re magically cured by day 91. [29:15] What does it mean to have a ‘higher power’ in a s12-step program? I’m not religious. [34:15] I’m a betrayed partner but my husband won’t admit any wrongdoing. What should I do? [40:35] Who should my accountability partner be? [47:50] When does it make sense to ask my partner about his recovery? I don’t want to know the details, but I do want to know the progress. [52:55] His friends are backing him up and I feel manipulated by him. What should I do? [56:55] What should you look for in a sponsor? [1:00:30] Can betrayed partners also attend a SA meeting?
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
QUOTES
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| If They Really Knew Who I Am, They Would Leave Me | 15 Jun 2023 | 00:34:01 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question on whether you can become “cured” of narcissism. Narcissism is very common among addicts, especially early in recovery. It’s important to note that there is a path forward to becoming a more empathic person, but there is a specific process to work through to achieve it. In this week’s episode, Dr. Rob and Tami explain that narcissism is often born from deep insecurity and offer important reasons why you should stay sober.
TAKEAWAYS: [:30] I think I’m working with a narcissist. Is there a cure? [4:00] You have to pose questions to them and be curious instead of directly challenging them. [8:20] Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? [11:10] Under every narcissist there is a very insecure person who is afraid of being abandoned. [13:10] Are same-sex betrayals different from heterosexual betrayals? [18:20] Empathy takes a lot of practice for addicts. [24:45] My SA is stuck on step three and he doesn’t understand why I’m still upset. Can you please explain to him my anger? [30:35] Dr. Rob doesn’t believe your partner is truly sober.
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss | |||
| How to Set Healthy Boundaries with Your Addict | 08 Jun 2023 | 00:29:29 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami answer questions from listeners about setting healthy boundaries and what that might look like. You should never feel compelled to do something just to appease the other person, especially if they’re on a path to recovery. When you set a boundary, it’s not for them, it’s a way to take care and protect yourself. Dr. Rob and Tmai explain more in this week’s episode.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:00] I want to help my addict hear, but I don’t know how. What can I do to support him? [3:35] Tami shares some examples of what healthy boundaries look like. [7:40] My SA husband had a slip. I’m so angry, but how can I move forward? [9:55] You can’t learn if you aren’t able to make mistakes. [14:10] The only thing you have control of is your actions and reactions. [15:00] I honestly just don’t want to know about his slips and recovery. Is this a healthy boundary? [19:50] Is it possible that my son has inherited my husband’s sex addiction disease? [25:35] It’s okay to acknowledge to your children that you weren’t perfect parents.
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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| Can You Cure Narcissism? | 01 Jun 2023 | 00:34:13 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from an addict that is struggling with their own narcissism. Can this condition truly be cured? In this episode, Dr. Rob and Tami explain what a narcissist is and why so many people in recovery have narcissistic traits and qualities.
TAKEAWAYS: [:45] How do you work with narcissists? [3:35] Dr. Rob explains how you can work on breaking out of your narcissistic mold. [5:30] Part of recovery is being 100% honest. If you’re honest, your narcissism will get better. [7:55] During the early stage of recovery, many addicts focus on their own pain and not on the pain they’ve caused others. [11:50] There is a very insecure and hurt person under every narcissist. [13:15] Dr. Rob, what is your take on same-sex couples going through a betrayal? How does “Out of the Doghouse” apply in this case? [23:00] Entitlement is an indicator of a narcissistic trait. [23:55] A lot of narcissists are stunted emotionally. [24:25] Addiction is your friend. Your addiction makes you a better person. Dr. Rob explains how. [25:20] I’m furious with my addict and he doesn’t understand why. How can we move forward?
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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| Why Can’t I Get Past the 9th Step? | 25 May 2023 | 00:30:05 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami help someone going through the 9th step process and are currently struggling to reconcile with their wife during this process. His partner still feels incredibly hurt and he is wondering how he can make amends while also soothing her. Dr. Rob and Tami give insight on what living amends really means.
TAKEAWAYS: [:35] Do addicts also suffer from fertility issues? [6:00] Whatever you’re ashamed of, tell your doctor. You won’t get the help you need unless you’re honest with them. [6:10] He needs to be sober for 90 days to do formal disclosure but keeps having slips. What can I do? [15:05] I am trying to do the 9th step and make amends, but my wife is not having any of it. What can I do to comfort her? [19:20] What does living amends really mean? [22:15] My husband is experiencing medical issues and is letting his recovery slip. What should I do?
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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| When Do I Know It’s Time to Completely Separate from My Addict? | 19 May 2023 | 00:30:49 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami walk through someone who is struggling to figure out whether they should pour more energy into their loved one or if they should finally make the tough decision to separate. Dr. Rob understands that the listener wants to make sure they’ve exhausted all their options so that they can leave the relationship ‘with no regret’, but he explains why that’s not always the best approach.
TAKEAWAYS: [:30] Should I stay or should I go? [2:45] I want to make sure I’ve exhausted all possible options before I leave my addict. Is there a strategic plan for this? [7:10] Wanting things to work out is a feeling, but they’re not facts. What are the facts when it comes to your addict’s actions? [10:25] Should I do a formal disclosure even though we are no longer living together? [13:15] When I first found out, I was SO MAD. Despite it being four years ago, I still feel the need to rage every few months. How can I better control this? [19:35] Anger is a healthy emotion, but uncontrollable rage isn’t. [20:25] My addict is resistant and I just want to leave. I need some confirmation. [27:50] Don’t do the disclosure UNLESS you plan to be 100% truthful. Because the ‘white lies’ will come out later on.
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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| My Addict’s Family Blames Me for His Addiction | 15 May 2023 | 00:25:42 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami talk about why a family might put all the focus and blame on the betrayed spouse and not look at the actual family member (their son or daughter who is the one struggling with the addiction) to put their anger and disappointment on. Dr. Rob shares a bit of a reminder that you’re working with a broken family unit and they will lash out in unhealthy ways to cope.
TAKEAWAYS: [:25] How do I concentrate and retain information better? [7:15] It might be beneficial to see if you’re diagnosed with ADHD. [7:30] How do I deal with my addict’s family? They blame me! [16:40] Why do these parents know so much about your personal sex life? Find a therapist! [18:00] What does a one-on-one look like with Dr. Rob? [21:20] Thank you so much for sending in your answers!
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
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| Can I Learn How to Be Intimate Again? | 05 May 2023 | 00:33:34 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from someone who is struggling to be intimate with their life-long partner. As an addict, it is so much easier to act out and live in a fantasy than live in reality. The reality is, we often do not know how to connect and build real relationships when we’re in active addiction. Dr. Rob and Tami share how you can break this toxic cycle and build true and meaningful relationships now that you’re sober.
TAKEAWAYS: [0:25] How do I get over cravings as a chemsex addict? [5:20] Schedule and accountability are key in this situation. [6:25] How long will these restrictions from my betrayed spouse last? [13:35] I have such a hard time being intimate with my partner of 8 years. It was easier to act out. Why is that? [16:40] Sex addicts seek intensity when what they truly want is intimacy. [19:25] Intimacy is about being open and vulnerable, not about having the best body or biggest private part. [22:00] What’s the difference between a relapse vs. a slip? [28:55] What does it look like to be on a journey of recovery?
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss | |||
| I’m an Addict and I’m Attracted to My Female Coworker | 27 Apr 2023 | 00:29:41 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami dive into what should an addict do if they’re working around the opposite sex. Obviously, quitting is not always an option nor does it solve the core problem. Dr. Rob offers advice on how to set healthy boundaries with female coworkers and how to ensure you’re still respecting your spouse in this entire process.
TAKEAWAYS: [:35] Should my husband remain abstinent for 90 days? [6:00] What is a love addict? [8:55] It can take two years to really have a good and intimate connection with someone. [12:10] How can I have healthy boundaries with women at work? [18:05] What kind of coursework should I focus on as someone who is six months sober? [25:00] What’s the best way to write an impact letter?
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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| I’m in Recovery, but My Partner Is in Active Addiction | 19 Apr 2023 | 00:27:43 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from someone who is in recovery, but their partner is not. Is there hope for this relationship? Dr. Rob breaks down why you have to focus on your own journey if you want to get the most out of your sobriety. Maybe your partner will come around, maybe not. Dr. Rob and Tami explain what this means for you.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:05] How can I get over the betrayal and his relapse? [7:00] One session once a week is just not going to cut it. [10:30] Most addicts will say they’re a good father. Dr. Rob calls them out on that. [14:30] I’m on the path to recovery but my partner is still in active addiction. What can I do? [20:55] Dr. Rob shares resources you can use to help you on your recovery journey. [25:10] Get yourself help and put yourself on the right path with an expert that knows what they’re doing.
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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| I’m in Recovery and I Still Have No Empathy | 18 Apr 2023 | 00:28:55 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a man who is struggling to find honesty and empathy during his journey through recovery. His therapist believes he should dive into his childhood traumas, but he’s unsure of the reasoning behind it. Dr. Rob explains that the way we feel as a child is how we treat our spouses when we grow up. So, if we felt unworthy of love, unseen, or completely ignored, we will do the same to those that are closest to us.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:05] I’m trying to meet a long-term partner on an online dating app and they’re more interested in hookup culture. What can I do as a bisexual man? [6:20] My addict wants ME to find him a therapist. What’s up with that? [9:50] I am so kind to him and help him out when he needs it, and he keeps lying to me. What are my next steps? [18:00] I am sober but I fail with empathy and honesty. Is this part of my childhood trauma? [23:20] People who get what they needed when they’re kids don’t struggle with the types of problems we, as addicts, struggle with. [25:10] People cycle through the same patterns they learned as a child.
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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| My Sex Addict Says It’s All My Fault; Is This True? | 25 Apr 2024 | 00:52:21 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami answer questions from sex addicts as well as betrayed spouses to help them through some of their biggest struggles this week. One question in particular stands out. A betrayed partner has been beaten down verbally by her sex addict. She has been internalizing messaging that his actions are her fault, along with her not being physically attractive or ‘good enough’. Dr. Rob and Tami offer advice for this woman and how she can seek resources to heal from the actions of her addict.
TAKEAWAYS: [:45] My entire family is dysfunctional. I’m working on it, but as a result my daughter is an anxious mess. What can I do? [3:50] You have to take care of yourself and set an example for your family. [6:25] Does someone need to be in solid recovery for Dr. Eddie’s recovery group? [8:05] My addict started accusing me. Sure enough, he’s acting out again with underage girls. What do I do? [11:20] Most sex addicts aren’t looking at 12 year olds! This addiction goes deeper into offending behavior. [14:30] What resources can I use to help build trust and safety with my partner? [18:05] What type of questions should I ask when going to a therapist for sex addiction? [21:00] Do the feelings of shame and anxiety ever go away? [29:20] My SA still has an enmeshment with his mother. She still treats him like a child. Is this normal? [33:15] I’m struggling to not take his behaviors personally, despite him blaming me for his actions. How can I heal? [39:40] Should the addict be enrolled in two different 12 step programs? [44:20] Dr. Rob highly encourages betrayed spouses to get an STD test! [45:15] How can I get out of my own narcissism? I lie so much to myself that I believe it.
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
QUOTES
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| I’m So Hurt. How Do I Even Begin to Process the Betrayal? | 18 Apr 2023 | 00:35:35 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a betrayed partner on how to process through everything that has happened to her. She has found out about her addict’s affairs and isn’t sure how to process or begin the journey of healing. Dr. Rob and Tami share some tips to get the process jumpstarted.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:05] I’ve been betrayed and my therapist tells me I need to process through the betrayal. What does that even mean? [7:00] Dr. Rob was getting a massage and he started crying. Sometimes “processing” means just that. [10:20] My addict acts out when things are going well, not when things are stressful. Why? [16:10] Can you explain what eroticized rage is? [21:45] Is my addict trying to gaslight me or is his brain just stuck? [27:30] You get out of recovery what you put into it. [29:45] In Dr. Rob’s family, you had to shame people to take action. Dr. Rob didn’t know of a better way to get people to improve themselves.
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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| My Brother-In-Law Intentionally Triggered My PTSD. Do I Disown the Family? | 31 Mar 2023 | 00:27:53 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a betrayed spouse that experienced sexual assault when she was younger. Her SA partner’s brother was being very disrespectful and chose not to listen to her wishes/boundaries and intentionally triggered her PTSD. When you’re in a situation where you’re with mean or rude family members, what should you do or focus on? Dr. Rob and Tami share their thoughts and advice.
TAKEAWAYS: [:25] I have performance anxiety and ED issues due to chemsex. How should I communicate this to my urologist? [4:20] My husband says he has different ‘desires’ for a woman in a magazine vs. on a tv screen. I don’t understand this. Isn’t it the same ‘lust’? [9:35] My husband said he had sexual relations with other boys in his teen years, but he’s not attracted to men. Is this common among sex addicts? [12:10] My SA’s brother triggered my PTSD intentionally. How do I navigate this family dynamic when there’s no respect? [17:55] It’s very hard to stand up for ourselves. Good for you for standing up and setting boundaries! [20:00] Step-Daughter and Step-Father porn. Should I be concerned? [26:10] Thank you for showing up and listening to these podcasts. Dr. Rob and Tami are here to help serve you!
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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| He Watches Incest Porn. Are My Children Safe? | 27 Mar 2023 | 00:34:56 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami answer a heavy question from a listener about whether she should be concerned that her husband is around their children after he revealed some of his porn preferences. Dr. Rob weighs in on his thoughts and what you should do when you find out your addict has been watching very disturbing and “not normal” porn.
TAKEAWAYS: [:25] My husband suffers from depression and it’s starting to drag me down. How can I better support myself and him? [3:30] Dr. Rob shares a self-assessment to confirm whether your husband has depression. [8:30] How concerned should I be that my husband used to watch incest porn? [11:15] Dr. Rob is concerned about this type of porn. He explains why. [16:15] My SA still has denial and non-acceptance about his actions even after 30-plus months. Will it ever get better? [18:20] It sounds to Tami that he’s a bit of a “dry drunk.” He’s quit the bad actions but is still an addict. [23:20] Betrayed partners have such a hard time really understanding why an addict would do what they do because they themselves could never do what they’ve done. [26:20] My wife and I are exhausted from this recovery process. Why is being honest and transparent so difficult? [31:35] It’s important to have a better conflict management plan together. Tami offers some resources to help get back on track.
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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| His Sexual Fantasies are Out of Control and It’s Turning into Sexual Abuse | 15 Mar 2023 | 00:30:36 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami answer a listener's question who feels very stuck and hopeless. She feels trapped because it seems the aggression in sex with her addict is getting worse and worse. He has intense sexual fantasies throughout the day and wants to keep acting out with them. Is there hope for someone like this?
TAKEAWAYS: [:35] I have performance anxiety. I can’t seem to perform now that I’m sober. [2:20] Intimacy is scary. How do you talk about your performance anxiety? [4:45] My SA husband has relapsed and then slipped. He doesn’t want to share with me going forward because he doesn’t want me to get angry. Are my requests legit? [8:00] Early in recovery, it’s going to be hard. Your addict will make mistakes. [14:10] What resources are available to me? I’m super overwhelmed. [26:15] He manipulates me with sex. I hate it. And he doesn’t have a CSAT. What should I do? [28:55] How do you say no to this person? If you can’t, then you need to get support.
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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| My Addict Doesn’t Trust Me! The Audacity. He Thinks I’ll Cheat Back. | 15 Mar 2023 | 00:31:43 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a very upset listener. Her partner is accusing her of being unfaithful after the discovery because he feels she will just want to cheat back after finding out about everything this man has done. She is furious that this man is projecting his insecurities onto her. Dr. Rob and Tami share how this woman can protect herself, heal herself, and move forward from this projection.
TAKEAWAYS: [:50] Should my SA husband be treated for OCD? [4:45] I keep thinking I don’t actually want to be with my partner. How do I know if this is true or do I just want to freely act out? [12:00] Men often get discouraged because they do not fully understand their betrayed partner’s feelings. [12:55] Is it common that my SA partner doesn’t trust ME? [15:50] Betrayed spouses! Trust your gut. [16:15] I reached out to my sister for support and now it feels like I have to choose between my friend and my partner. [23:15] I’m not acting out but I do feel hopeless. What should I do?
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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| She Had a Ring On, and He Respected It. Yet He Still Cheated in Our Marriage. | 07 Mar 2023 | 00:33:55 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a very hurt spouse. Her husband has found himself sexually attracted to amarried woman, and although he was honest with her, she can’t understand why he’ll respect the marriage of a stranger but not his own marriage. What’s going on with this person? Does he have so little care about their own marriage? Dr. Rob and Tami share some insights.
TAKEAWAYS: [:25] My SA has no empathy. Is this fixable? [4:40] How do I know if my addict truly wants to change? [10:45] My addict is sexually attracted to our son’s new teacher. He stopped himself because ‘she was married’. This angers me. [18:25] Do you think the Green book or the Big Book is better for a porn addict? [22:00] How do I get over toxic shame? [25:35] You never truly get over your trauma. [30:00] My addict won’t seek help and we’re divorcing. How should I approach co-parenting with this person?
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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| He Cheated. Was My Entire Marriage a Lie? | 07 Mar 2023 | 00:28:41 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami share some light into why an addict might betray their spouse’s trust. Was the last 40-plus years of marriage all a lie? The answer is no. Addicts are deeply broken people and, although this is not an excuse, they show love in very puzzling and misguided ways. Dr. Rob and Tami offer some understanding and insight into why an addict might think, and do, the things that they do.
TAKEAWAYS: [:25] How do I respond to my addict when he says I don’t appreciate him enough? [9:00] My SA husband still has sexual fantasies about friends of mine. What’s going on? [15:15] I can’t heal from the betrayal. I just can’t. What can I do to move forward? [23:40] My wife is asking me to stop hanging out with certain people, but she is still hanging out with a toxic friend. What do I do? [26:00] What does a healthy relationship look like? [27:35] You need to focus on your own healing. Are you interested in healing the relationship?
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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| My Betrayed Spouse Thinks I’m Disgusting. Can We Reconcile? | 16 Feb 2023 | 00:30:14 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami get a question from a SA who is experiencing a lot of shame and distress in his current relationship. After disclosing to his wife all the betrayals and hurts he has caused her, she is having a hard time adjusting to this new-found information. She has expressed that she thinks he’s disgusting for having certain sexual preferences. Is there any hope for him to reconcile and have a loving relationship again with his wife? Dr. Rob and Tami offer some insight into what’s really going on.
TAKEAWAYS: [:25] How do I not put my entire identity into a job? [3:15] Although you may have lost your job, there are a lot of opportunities open for you right now. [7:40] My wife can’t imagine being with someone who’s done such disgusting things. Is there any hope to repair? [14:10] What turns you on, turns you on. [17:00] It’s normal for your spouse to be distant at first, but it’s important to have a conversation, also. Don’t let it “slide.” [21:50] Every spouse wants more answers, but that doesn’t provide them with the healing that they really need. [25:00] Why do addicts find it so hard to be consistently honest?
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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| The Opposite of Addiction Is Healthy Attachment | 15 Feb 2023 | 00:36:17 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from someone who is struggling with their ambivalent emotions against their addict. Dr. Rob senses this betrayed spouse has too much investment in the addict and not enough care or compassion for themselves. It’s important as a betrayed partner to practice self-care and to get a support group for your journey also!
TAKEAWAYS: [:25] My SA has had a couple of slips since his recovery. Is this normal? [6:25] You don’t have to be nice when he is hurting you! [9:25] Here are some proactive ways/conversations to talk to your partner about his slips. [11:30] How do you work through the pain of rejection of a potential sponsor? [14:20] Addicts are often passive. They get angry at someone and then go act out instead of talking to them. [17:45] I’ve been listening to this therapist. What are your thoughts on his approach to addicts? [18:35] My children don’t know about my addiction. How can I lessen the damage to them? [25:15] I feel so ambivalent and he gets annoyed that I still don’t trust him yet. What can I do? [27:00] Addiction is a chronic condition and needs to be worked on daily. [30:15] Dr. Rob smells some lies in the mix around this particular addict. [33:15] It’s not your job to cheer for his success!
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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| Help! I Want to Relapse! | 02 Feb 2023 | 00:30:00 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami understand that when you’re going through recovery and begin hitting milestones, you start to question why you’re really doing all of this. The journey to recovery is often hard and challenging, but it is worth it. If you’re starting to get that itch to relapse, you need to connect with your community. There is so much healing in your community!
TAKEAWAYS: [:35] I’m relapsing on porn due to work stress and anxiety. How do I fight back? [5:50] What are you currently doing to enjoy more of your life? [7:00] What do you do when you’re about to relapse? [10:00] When we feel alone, that’s when it’s essential to connect with other people. [11:20] I feel like I have all the symptoms that lead to addiction. Am I just doomed? [15:35] Addicts don’t like to have feelings and will do anything to avoid them. [16:45] He says God healed him, but he’s still acting out and is also demanding I accept it. What can I do? [19:45] Get yourself a lawyer to understand what your rights are. [25:15] When should I just end the relationship with an SA?
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss | |||
| I Am Married to an Addict and I Don’t Want to Break Up My Family | 14 Dec 2023 | 00:35:25 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami talk about a young mother of two who is struggling to deal with her acting out and abusive husband. She doesn’t want to break up the family and she’s scared for her future, but Dr. Rob and Tami offer a beacon of hope in what should be some of her next steps.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:05] After a betrayal, when does it make sense to have sexual intimacy again? [9:35] He’s blaming me for his addiction and he’s relapsed. I don’t want to break up the family, so what should I do? [15:40] Remember, none of this is your fault! [20:15] Dr. Rob hates that there’s abuse going on in the home. [24:35] So many addicts don’t realize that they’ll never find what they’re looking for. [25:15] He says he’s in recovery. I don’t think he is. I want to secure our financial future. What should I do?
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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| One Month Sober and I Want to Flip Tables and End It All | 31 Jan 2023 | 00:31:21 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami understand that when you're going through recovery and begin hitting milestones, you start to question why you’re really doing all of this for. The journey to recovery is often hard and challenging, but it is worth it. If you’re starting to get that itch to relapse, you need to connect with your community. There is so much healing in your community!
TAKEAWAYS: [:35] I’m relapsing on porn due to work stress and anxiety. How do I fight back? [5:50] What are you currently doing to enjoy more of your life? [7:00] What do you do when you’re about relapse? [10:00] When we feel alone, that’s when it’s essential to connect with other people. [11:20] I feel like I have all the symptoms that lead to addiction. Am I just doomed? [15:35] Addicts don’t like to have feelings and will do anything to avoid it. [16:45] He says God healed him, but he’s still acting out and is also demanding I accept it. What can I do? [19:45] Get yourself a lawyer to understand what your rights are. [25:15] When should I just end the relationship with an SA?
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss | |||
| My Boundaries Keep Getting Violated. Do I Need to Just Accept It? | 26 Jan 2023 | 00:32:21 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a listener who seems to have their boundaries constantly pushed and violated. If you feel like you have to accept something unacceptable, take a step back and remind yourself that you don’t! Dr. Rob and Tami offer some perspective on this situation.
TAKEAWAYS: [:40] What’s the difference between a trauma therapist vs. a trauma coach? [4:35] You should always get the most qualified person to help you through your issue or problem. [6:20] My partner keeps worrying that I will relapse. What can I do to reassure her? [10:15] Acknowledgement for your wrongs goes a long way. [13:10] How do you know when you’ve reached a breaking point? [16:45] Is my addiction due to finding my father’s porn stash as a child? [19:40] I have PTSD from living with my addict. What are my resources? [23:30] It seems I constantly have to accept something unacceptable. How do I protect myself? [28:00] What’s the right way to disclose attraction or a slip or a messy thought to your partner?
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss | |||
| He Emotionally Abuses Me, Is He a Sociopath? | 19 Jan 2023 | 00:28:00 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami talk about whether someone can be a sociopath as well as a sex addict. This betrayed partner is being verbally abused and is wondering if the addict is suffering from some sort of disorder. Dr. Rob and Tami get real and share why someone might just be plain abusive and not have sociopathic tendencies.
TAKEAWAYS: [:40] My partner gets triggered and I never know what to do. How can I help her? [4:30] Can I get my betrayed partner to also help him/her manage my triggers? [7:40] I hear the same lies and it makes me so mad. I want to save this marriage. How do I do this? [14:55] Is my husband a sociopath? [18:45] What happens if your addict lies and hides it? [23:10] If you’re a betrayed partner, you need extra support! [23:55] I’ve chosen to stay because I need the financial support. Where do I go from here?
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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| My Addict Keeps Accusing Me of Cheating. I'm Not! What?! | 09 Jan 2023 | 00:23:47 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami answer a troubling question from a listener. Her husband is accusing her of cheating and he even called her a nasty name because he found out someone had a high school crush on her over 40 years ago. What is going on with this person? He’s the one with the addiction, not her, so why is she getting so much heat? Dr. Rob and Tami dive into what might be causing such a phenomenon.
TAKEAWAYS: [:30] I need to get organized. I need some sort of structure. How can I do this? [5:20] They say couples can recover. Is that really true? Or are they just together and sexless forever? [9:10] Sex changes as you get older, but intimacy gets better when you learn how to experience it. [10:10] There is hope in healing. [10:15] My SA husband keeps accusing me of cheating despite no evidence. What is going on? [13:00] When you get this type of husband, they can convince you that you are crazy, even when you’ve done nothing wrong. [14:50] I see a therapist that I trust but they're not a CSAT, should I still go see a CSAT? [18:10] By the way, Dr. Rob is on TV! Tune in and watch Dr. Rob on the show Digital Addiction. [19:30] I just found out my husband is a sex addict. I don’t want him around our daughter. What should I do?
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss | |||