Republished from The Melrose Place 'Cast, available at:
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Listen, there are just four storylines of significance now that Sarah is cast to the side. She just roves through a few other storylines saying things like, "at least you didn't sleep with a priest!"
Carrie is sleeping with her secret psychologist, but so is Hillary! Carrie confronts them, and the doctor says she is crazy and since Hillary is Carrie's power of attorney (I'm sorry, what?) - she is going to be committed to Faircrest, which could also be thought of as Pity Me Pines. Is she going to be involuntarily locked up for sleeping with her psychologist who was manipulating her and she didn't know was a psychologist? Sure, but at least she didn't sleep with a priest.
Linda turns down a great ad campaign so that she can try out for a movie, causing Hillary to break character and plainly say, "you don't know how to act." But, she gets the part and has to rehearse lines about being in an abusive relationship with Eric, formerly her abusive relationship partner. It's awkward and uncomfortable, but at least she didn't sleep with a priest.
Julie and Craig get together, after he literally takes her against her will out of the model house into his apartment down the beach. But he leaves the door open and says she can leave, but that he won't be coming after her. She sleeps with her kidnapper, giving in to her desire, literally rewarding the worst behavior imaginable. But hey, at least she didn't sleep with a priest.
Monique and Adam are broken up because he found Grayson, his ex-wife. He breaks into her hotel room when he finds out she is in there with another man. Holds him at gun point, only to find out it wasn't Grayson, causing him to deliver the line, "It's not Grayson you stupid bastard!" He goes to Monique and says he wants to be with her since his wife is gone, and she cancels her plans to move to New York to be with her boyfriend now that his first choice is gone. Is it settling? Sure, but at least she didn't sleep with a priest.
Finally, Cynthia. Oh, sweet Cynthia. The stalker issues are pretty intense. Police can't arrest him because he didn't break any laws. Hilarity ensues as the stalker keeps coming up in their space, causing Brian to beat on him like he's a rug and it's Sunday in Germany. As in, beating on him outside with a stick. But the stick is his hand. Look, I can't explain it. Because Brian attacked the stalker, the judge says, "Mr. Thompson had not violated my restraining order when you violated him." That line lands differently in 2022 than 1995 but whatev. So fine, Cynthia and Brian decide to intentionally drive the stalker crazy, so they have romantic passionate sex in front of the open windows. Did they infuriate a dangerous stalker? Yes, but hey, at least she didn't sleep with a priest.
Y'all really should be watching this show.
