Today I talk about the blockages that commonly get in the way of reconnection after a conflict, disagreement, or misunderstanding.
*I’m talking about this subject because recently, I’ve failed to do a good job at reconnecting.
I’ll be honest, I’ve been insanely busy lately, and I’ve put other aspects as a higher priority than reconnecting with Jess… And I’ve seen the impact.
*The importance of reconnecting:
If it doesn't happen occasionally there won't be a drastic impact. However, if you consistently fail to reconnect it will have a compounded effect and you will start to feel more and more disconnected from your partner each day.
For me, I feel:
Distant/removed from my partner,
I get more frustrated with her (as I’m sure they are frustrated with me)
Have a lack of emotional and physical intimacy
Lack of joy, or fun
Feelings of guilt
Feel cold and closed off
Self-righteous
All of my old patterns start to creep in…
Not to mention how my partner is feeling on the other end of it.
That’s why it’s so important to reconnect, otherwise, it can spiral quickly.
*I’d like to highlight some roadblocks (meaning things we often do to try to reconnect that don’t work well)
After or during conflict when trying to reconnect try to avoid the following (I got most of these concepts from a relationship expert named Jason Gaddis). These are the ones that ring true for me:
1)-Avoid blaming. ( A trick to know when you are blaming is when you use the words (you always). Get specific and work through the current conflict first.
2)-Don’t rush an apology simply to move on.
3)- Rely on time. (Don’t rely on time, although time can allow someone to forget about something, that doesn’t mean it will be resolved). Try to reconnect within 24 hrs of conflict.
4)-Compartmentalize:
Don’t put it off to the side and pretend everything is okay. You shouldn’t just suck it up forever.
5)-Avoid trying to fix or give advice… LISTEN. Seek to understand before being understood.
6)-Hope/pray things will get better
7)-Defensiveness- rigid, stonewalling, providing excuses
8)-Gaslighting- lying, denying reality, turning conflict onto the other person.
Creating a false narrative and making them question their judgments and reality. (If you do this enough, you might believe a false narrative because your emotions can override the truth. It’s so important to reflect and seek the truth. Rather than satisfy your selfish desires.
I’m positive we can all do a better job at reconnecting. This might need to be a skill that is practiced over and over again. We aren’t taught this stuff in school, but it is your responsibility to master it if you are wanting to shorten your conflicts and move towards the relationship you desire.
Put your ego down, and seek the truth after conflict, and you will begin to drastically improve your relationship.
Enjoy the episode!
If you have any questions, want to connect, or want to work with me, I'd love to hear from you. Send me an email to,
coaching@joelmahe.ca
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Joel
