Look, because we* are completionist, we *have* to go back to past seasons and identify the guest star we'd most like to podcast with.  Of course then at the very end of this podcast, when we've watched our last episode but still keep churning out special episodes, we can have a proper tournament of season champions.

* I am obligated to say that "we" means "Teege"

This week, we'll discuss the season one guest stars to identify who we'd most like to join us in the podcasting studio.  Who would be your picks?

It's a traditional, single-elimination tournament, just like Wrestlemania IV, but with no one skipping to round two.

David / Donna / Steve
v.
Kelly Taylor

Terrance Haggard
v.
Paul Brubecker

Lucy Cabot
v.
Hal Barber

Kay Beacon
v.
Nancy Donner

Dr. Stanley Levin
v.
Palmer Woodward

The Campbells
v.
The Fieldings

Keith Gray
v.
Carrie Fellows

Charles Reynolds
v.
Sam Towler

Why are we calling him Dick, now? Is this some pop culture moment from way back that we don't understand? Or was it meant to be a bit racy?

Peter and Amanda are arguing over whether or not Peter killed his first wife. Amanda, mystically, thinks he could never do something like that even though he was on probation for attempting to murder her.

Michael is helping Kimberly along, hoping she'll regain her memory, but mostly being a dutiful husband. It's nice.

Matt continues to be on drugs, and is kind of a hottie little drug user.

The story of the week remains with Jane - who is admittedly not boring this week. Throw in the comedy of errors with Sam slowly realizing that something isn't quite right with Jane and Sydney, and you've got yourself an actually entertaining story line. Hopefully it goes on for a long time.

Alison and Jake continue to secretly date. Hopefully this does not.

Taylor continues to be an intriguing new character. Far more so than Kyle or Sam. She clearly has a thing for Peter, and Amanda is starting to figure it out.

Folgers Incest Ad: The Oral History of "Coming Home" for the Coffee Commercial's 10th Anniversary | GQ In 2009, Folgers released a nice, downhome, wholesome ad, where a brother and sister are clearly into each other.

Mary had never seen the ad.

Until now.

At long last, we got to the season finale of season three - the peak moment in Melrose Place folklore.  This was apparently Darren Star's last episode with the series, which explains the shift in characters and tone going forward.

Short takeaway: thank god for Sandy and Rhonda that they got out while they could, because literally everyone else could be dead or jailed for life.

Matt's been set up for murder by sexy doctor man.  Oopsie doopsie.  So he might be jailed for life.

Jess physically abused Jo, prompting Jake to go have a fight at a construction site, lunging at Jess so they both fall off of an unfinished building.  So Jake could be dead or jailed for life.

Kimberly managed to get everyone else back to Melrose Place, Jane, Richard, Mackenzie, Billy, Brooke, Alison, Sydney, Michael, Peter, Jo, Jake, and I think that's it right before she hit the button to blow up the building.  Which, of course, didn't air, because of the Oklahoma City bombing.

Peter's back, having bailed Michael out of jail in exchange for false testimony to get his medical license back.  Kimberly was pushed to the breaking point by fake swooning from Dr. Burns, Sydney is friendly with Michael again - all of it ... really, who cares?  The bombing will literally reset everything.

We'll be doing some special episodes for a few months before season four, so please, keep me in your thoughts as I have to continue to hear Mary refer to it as the "alleged bombing."

Well, we took a month off between recording, or frankly even watching the show, so come along with us for our confusion as we try to remember what was happening in this show from 30 years ago that only one of us watched and even that was 35 days ago.  As best as we can tell:

Olipop soda is terrible, but that is unrelated to the show.

Cynthia's stalker has made it to LA and is sending threatening messages using a black barbie doll.  Brian, boyfriend extraordinaire, decides not to tell Cynthia.  Then, he conspires with Hillary to continue not to tell Cynthia.  Eventually, though, the stalker leaves a threatening doll inside Cynthia's bedroom, and the jig is up. 

Sarah and Mark have sex immediately after Mark explains that he is in love with someone else.  It turns out that someone else is JESUS, and he is becoming a priest, so now what?

Linda and Eric are flirting with getting back together, but he's not the one who moves on.  She does by leaving the bar even though he is crooning a love song right into her eyes.

The tea this week is with Julie and Monique.  Julie's bet to steel Adam/Reed from Monique/Terri is moving along, causing both Julie and Monique to be on a fundraising committee for the Children's Hospital.  Craig is making it clear that he wants to date Julie, but she says he can't afford an admissions ticket.

Remember when Hillary was supposed to be the star of this show?

Well, we're now fully set up for the most epic episode of the entire series, the season three finale.

Except Mackenzie Freaking Hart has still not arrived.  This is an outrage, and I demand protests in the streets for the writing to be better.

But, here is what we get.

Michael is framed by Kimberly for stalking Amanda and beating Kimberly, so now he is in jail on bail for $200,000.  Somehow, he gets out to be at the apartments.

Matt and Paul continue their romance, with Paul promising Matt that he's leaving his wife, and can Matt just come help him move out.  he ends up making Matt look like a stalker, which will come in handy for what happens next...

Brooke gets Alison successfully to Hong Kong, gets engaged to Billy, and convinces both of them that the other wants to sever all ties.  Wow.  

Jake and Jess have a sibling rivalry for the ages.  Jake is convinced that Jess tried to have him killed, although his theory for the motivation makes zero to negative sense.  But, it's what we have.

And Kimberly's evil inner voice has arrived, looking oddly like the goons that Jess hired to kill his brother.  Huh.

Let's go season three!

Out of the darkness: light. Out of the depth: shallow. Out of the trees: caterpillars. Indeed, there's just one conclusion from Teege in this episode: it appears Mary has found the real Puddle!   At long last, our national nightmare is over. Or is it? If you think Puddle is still out there, send us your tips at melroseplacecast@gmail.com, or use #justiceforpuddle on any and all social medias except Truth Social.

What a stupid episode title.  

But that's okay, because it was actually a good episode.

Jake fires Jess and kicks him out, so Jess have Jake killed by hiring goons to rob the bar.

Sydney's drama with pantyhose cocaine comes to an end as it is revealed that it was all a set up by Jane to get Syndey to sign over her Presidency of Mancini Designs.  Sisters are doin' it for themselves, I guess.

Matt's most interesting storyline to date is heating up, but right now it just seems like tired stereotypical trash.  But it's going to get good as this season comes to it's explosive crescendo.  Right now, Matt is confronted by Paul's wife for seducing the good doctor.  Huh.

Finally, Amanda is in the fourth most interesting plot, but it's the one where Brooke is conspiring to move Alison to Hong Freaking Kong so that she can have Billy to herself.  Billy, quite the catch.

Well, we've reached that soap opera stage where all of the characters are operating disconnected from each other.  So we have distinct, non-overlapping story lines.

Cynthia regains a stalker from New Jersey.  He is on his way to LA, but she can't be distracted because she is getting sexy chili dogs with Brian.

Sarah continues her romance with mysterious Mark, kissing him at a retirement home they're doing community service at, but he pulls back and runs away.

Linda is torn between two men: Chris and Eric.  Chris proposes, she can't decide, so she says no.  He fires her because of the porno flick, so she'll either run back to Eric, or set out about life as an independent woman.

Carrie is posing as Hillary Michaels, bringing a gentleman caller to Hillary's home, to have sex in Hillary's bed, leaving someone out there walking through the streets of LA thinking he slept with Amanda Woodward's mommy.

Julie turns down love from an Owen Wilson on protein shakes look a like because he's broke, and bets that he can steel Adam/Reed from Monique.  Of course Monique is deepening her romance with Adam/Reed, sleeping with him on a deserted island, and threatens Julie.

If you're not watching Models, Inc. at this point, then what are you even really doing with your winter?

It's a rare, but not unheard of, doubled-up sponsor week where Mary and I both latched on to the same, relatively obscure moment of the show.

Also, Jo / Jake / Jess continue their love triangle, which could have a hotter conclusion if Jake and Jess weren't brothers.  Unless, maybe that's why they keep stressing that they're half brothers?  Jo and Jess try to keep it on the DL, but they end up doing it on the wall next to Sydney and she tells Jake.

Sydney makes a dangerous business deal with some drug dealers, so clearly Josie Bissett's constant complaints about having boring story lines was at least being heard, but not rectified.

Matt meets a new boyfriend!  This one is straight and a plastic surgeon who only works on burn victims.  MATT!  RUN!  When the writers of Melrose Place give you a sexy guy, things are not going to go well for you.  They did have a rather "explicist" scene where Matt and boyfriend are both topless in the same apartment, but not in the same room of course, that would be too much.

Kimberly breaks the Drill Sargeant's arm and is told she can leave camp today.  This morning.  Now.  Later, she is stealing a scene from one of those 90s witchcraft mean girls type movies by cutting the eyes out of Thomas Callabro's promo pictures surrounded by candles.  FIRE HAZARD ALERT!

Amanda gave Michael a restraining order which he said he did not need to follow because "Mancini Mathematics says half of nothing is nothing."

But, the gig is up for Alison,  Amanda successfully sets Alison up for a fall with the board, and her and Brooke pop champaign, loudly celebrating in the office that we've already established IS NOT SOUND PROOF.  Remember Brooke hearing Alison yelling at Billy from inside?  Surely Billy could tell what's happening as CHAMPAIGN POURS OUT FROM UNDER THE DOOR!

The queen is dead.  Long live the queen.

It's a very Merry Christmas Miracle - we have found puddle!  After all this time, over a year of searching, thirteen misfires, we are pretty sure that we've found the stuffed dog that won America's heart.  Please, let this be the case.  We follow a tip, an elaborate tale told in one tweet, of magic, mystery, and pages being "restorn" right there in the library.  A melted stuffed dog caps our tale of joy, delight, breaking curfew, and some January 6th nonsense.  

If you or anyone you know has information on the whereabouts of Puddle, please post to social media using #justiceforpuddle or email your hot tip to melroseplacecast@gmail.com Together, we will #findpuddle

This is our longest episode yet, and easily our most controversial.  

Melrose Place is setting the stage for the season three finale, and you can almost see the hand of the producers moving the chess pieces.  Either way, here we are.

Sydney Andrews is now PRESIDENT OF MANCINI DESIGNS and she confronts Amanda Woodward over the quality of the Mancini Designs Campaigns.

Jess and Jo continue their flirtation, and hook up by the dumpster where Jake was jumped by Jane's Boyfriend's Mob.

Kimberly has gone off to No More Victims (TM) and has found her mission in life.  (She is going to kill everyone and stand on the corpses of her enemies)

But the real story is at D&D.  Billy and Brooke hook up after Billy turns down Alison.  The palace intrigue is high, as Amanda successfully pitches a campaign for Mrs. Molly's Cookies that involves a high powered female executive leaping out a fifteenth story window, only to find out that the person she was making the pitch to ... well that's how his mother took her life.  So, Alison turns to Brooke and asks her to spy on Amanda.  Bad news, Alison...

Then, we have our most tasteless ad to date...

Well, was this episode all about Brooke, as the title implies?  Nope.

As much as we wanted a Brooke-centric episode, we did not get it.  But we DID land a HUGE special guest ... Jo's Baby Austin, all grown up!  Or, at least that's the best explanation we can come up with for why someone about Austin's age is the Melrose Place Facebook Group Internet Sensation with an encyclopedic knowledge of Melrose Place despite being nowhere near the demographic of the audience.  Also, you can see his etsy shop here: TheCuckooBin - Etsy and perhaps reach out to him and encourage him to create some Melrose Place themed dolls.  Perhaps Kimberly with a removable wig?  Alison with the dark glasses?  The possibilities are endless.

Unlike the relationship potential between Amanda and Michael.  Michael has proposed to Amanda, meaning he has proposed to and married Jane, proposed to and killed Kimberly, been force-proposed to and married Sydney, been proposed to and married back from the dead Kimberly, and no proposed to and got laughed at by Amanda Woodward.  So that's done.

What's not done is that Sydney is blackmailing Michael and Kimberly out of their $100,000 insurance settlement for reasons that were not clear to us, although the other podcasts seemed to correctly identify that it is to help Jane's business.  

Jake and Jess are comically fighting over Jo, while Jess steals credit cards to take Jo and Jake out to dinner while Jo is wearing an objectively beautiful shirt that Mary thinks just came from TJ Maxx.

Meanwhile, Brooke is putting the moves on Billy, and finds a lot of tension can be released from a table pounding game of air hockey at the Santa Monica Pier.

All this, plus two fantastic sponsors!

With Richard literally crawling out of the ground after being buried, we ask robot to help us imagine a scenario where Melrose Place and The Walking Dead cross over.

Who will win in a leadership battle between Amanda Woodward and Rick Grimes?

Is Daryl Dixon or Alison Parker the better sidekick?

Which Melrose Place characters will take advantage of the zombie horde to begin an illicit affair?

Also, who was the Scud Stud?

Under no circumstances does this title make sense.  Zero sense.  It is illogical.  But, whatever.

We learn that Reed Carter reborn as Adam or Matt or whatever is now dating Teri Spencer reborn as Monique Heart or Clare or whatever.  But it's in answer to a dare, and Reed Carter's Second Life is looking for his long lost wife.  And because she is named fully, we can expect to see her.  Probably when Monique Spencer/Heart/Clare/Whatever's Ghost is marrying Jo's ex-boyfriend/victim/baby daddy.

Julie and Monique are fighting but we don't remember why.

Carrie, the sister of the most beautiful ghost in America is filling in as the Vice President of Modeling as David is in Europe hoping Sarah rescues him.

But Sarah is rescued from a drunk driving crash by a mystery man who drives her home, lays her on her couch, and returns her car in the garage under the cover of darkness.

However the biggest twist of the season: Linda has a skinnamarinkeedinkeedoo with Chris at the top of the stairs and she accidentally gives him a little tumble.  Eric, who is seranading Linda back from Chris' pool deck, concocts a lie that ends up with him being framed for attempted murder of Chris the Soap Millionaire.

Y'all, I know about the audio I'm sorry.

melroseplacecast@gmail.com

Look, the writers no longer felt it was necessary to expend energy in writing episode titles.  So what, who cares?

This week, Jess moves in to Shooters, starts working at Shooters, then moves in with Jake while poking around his little half-brother's files as though they were full brothers.  Sydney is onto him and Jess maybe threatens to kill her.  It's a welcome, for sure.

Michael and Amanda continue to progress, with Michael cruelly divorcing Kimberly to be with Amanda.  Amanda sends Brooke $700 of flowers to see if she'll be a D&D Spy.  She will.

Alison meanwhile is flailing in her job trying to fill Amanda's shoes.  In an unpopular opinion, Teege thinks Alison's outfit is phenomenal in its key lime greenness.

And we are joined by Christopher from Melrose Sheltering In Place.

The curious case of how on earth we have more listeners from Finland than anywhere else.

Also, 7 of you have our podcast as YOUR NUMBER ONE PODCAST!  We're so happy.

This is a self-indulgent special episode about a new Melrose Place podcast, our Spotify Wrapped summary, suburbanites in their natural environment, and AI assessments of the debate for generations: is Melrose Place high art for the generations, worthy of literary praise, or just a trashy soap opera from the '90's.

Well, things get a little intense.  In the search for Puddle, we accidentally untomb one of the biggest, earth shattering secrets in world history.  Something that will rock us all to our very core.  Do we quickly gloss over that as we try to find our lost fake-pound puppy?  Yeah.  Should that maybe have been a clue?  Perhaps.  But the debate rages longer than normal, indeed longer than it should have, about whether this is in fact the real Puddle.  Maybe we didn't get him this time (or maybe we did, I suppose I should save the suspense) ... but we're continuing the search.  

If you or anyone you know has information on the whereabouts of Puddle, please post to social media using #justiceforpuddle or email your hot tip to melroseplacecast@gmail.com Together, we will #findpuddle

A case file has been prepared and delivered.  Now Mary stands in judgment in the curious case of Teege, Panera, and Late Stage Capitalism.

Merry Early Christmas!

Jake and Jo hook up since Jake's mom died and Jo's future boyfriend Jess is introduced to the show by standing underneath a car.

Michael hides Kimberly in Rochester with what appears to be an actual job interview, so he can have some alone time with Amanda in the beachhouse.  Of course, this backfires as you would expect since Kimberly comes home early and finds Amanda's things in her house.

Meanwhile in D&D, two and a half years after being fired as the receptionist (that happened, right?) Alison is now the PRESIDENT of D&D Advertising.  Did they tell Amanda?  Nope, not at all.

Also - it should be noted - do not forget that Amanda saw Brooke in her office once Amanda did show up and Alison had to tell her that she had been replaced.

Also, we get to learn more about Midwestern Stuff and Jo-Mantic.

I don't know what's bigger news - the storylines in Models Inc. or that Hardee's used to sell cinnamon raisin breakfast sandwiches for 99 cents.  Also, that last claim was quickly debunked.

Chris and Linda continue in their odd relationship, now with a new daddy!  Carrie, the sister of the original most beautiful woman in America, feels old and ugly.  Monique, the new most beautiful woman in America turns down Brian only to be dejected by Reed Carter playing a character names Adam.  Sarah is drunk as hell as though she never left Iowa and David and Julie break up, get back together, start a business, dissolve the business, and break up again.  

Oh, and as will always be the case, Hillary wins.

melroseplacecast@gmail.com

Brooke has arrived!  In episode 22.  Remember, Alison is drinking again by the season finale (episode 30) because of Billy's WEDDING.  So this show is moving fast.

Amanda's illness continues to drive her to Michael.  Not good.

Alison submits her campaign for the award Amanda is trying to win, and of course, Alison wins.

Is Alison at least dressed well?  Nope. Not at all.

Meanwhile Sydney wriggles her way in between Jake and Jane but not in the sexy way.

Matt and Kimberly bicker with each other brilliantly.

This was a good week.  You should listen to this episode.

Well, APPARENTLY we won't look for Puddle everywhere.  I guess there are some limits and there are some lines that we don't cross.  So, sorry Puddle, maybe we'll find you some other day.

If you or anyone you know has information on the whereabouts of Puddle, please post to social media using #justiceforpuddle or email your hot tip to melroseplacecast@gmail.com Together, we will #findpuddle

Well, this was a doozy.  During this episode, we discuss the pacing of Melrose Place.  Spoilers to the season three finale to come in this description.  Although the show is old enough to be beyond the "spoiler" zone.

We only have 8 episodes left until the season finale where Kimberly blows the place up after going through her No More Victims cult training.  Alison is back on the booze because Billy is getting married.  TO WHO?!?  The one death in the explosion hasn't even arrived, much less found herself in the love triangle that put her at Melrose Place to begin with.  And are we crazy, or does Alison become President of D&D and taunt a client about his mother's suicide before we get to the finale?  HOW DOES ALL OF THIS HAPPEN?!?

Anyway, here and now, Michael and Amanda are exploring New York, and Michael is smitten with Miss Woodward, a fact that does not land well with Kimberly.  Ultimately, Amanda is going to get her treatment but we got these two characters mashed together so she can recover but still be romanced.

Sydney is jealous of Jane for stealing her boyfriend, which is quite hollow ground for Sydney to be stamping her feet on.

But the dramatic tension comes from Officer Gay Face getting busted, only to break in to dinner with Matt and Jo (when did this start happening?) with a gun saying if he's going to jail for one accidental death, it might as well be three.  Matt pretends to want to date Gay Face, just long enough for Jo to wrestle the gun away from him and say she is sick of being the victim.  Jo.  The woman who harpooned her boyfriend while pregnant.  Sorry, this doesn't check out.

Plus, two great sponsors. 

As is custom, we wrap up the season with an overarching view of this entire season as one contribution to the culture.

But is it art or is it trash?

We both take our best shot at winning this argument before, mercilessly, burying the season right alongside Richard, where I'm sure it will never be heard from again. Certainly it won't be literally crawling out of the ground in a few months.

Monique is standing up for herself, and she wants you to know that while she is the Most Beautiful Woman in America, she is NOT Teri Spencer.  Depsite, actually, being Teri Spencer.  She won't date Brian, but the woman who is played by the Most Beautiful Ghost in America seems to have taken a shine to Reed Carter (called "Adam") - who can only be described as the Most Mansexy Ghost in America.  Two murdered characters hooking up?  This is the Melrose Place spin off we needed.

Paul is back, and Carrie suddenly doesn't want to see her son.  So she sends him away.

We are joined by Ursula the Sea Witch, who gives a job promised to Sarah to Monique.  Julie gets the job of a lifetime, a six week tour of Europe, and Hillary makes it clear to David that the relationship is over.  So David quits, loudly, in front of everyone.

But the story of the episode is that Linda, who wears hats, is dating Chris, who was arrested for killing his maid as a child.  Eric finds this out, attempts blackmail, fails, and ends up pushing Linda further away.

We are ten episodes in, and zero percent closer to convincing Mary to watch the series.

So we accidentally find out pretty early that our special guest, Gail, watched the wrong episode of the show because she is using a legally questionable bootleg "streaming service" from the same server Hillary Clinton kept her old emails.  But, we persevere because scheduling has been difficult.

In this week's episode, Sydney gets let out of the booby hatch where there was a spider and no running water or plumbing.  We learn that it was really her fault that she was down there since she refused to write the letter.  Jake and Jane come to rescue her, successfully getting her out on the second try after Sydney, a verifiable sharp shooter, shoots out the wheels on the bus so they can no longer go round and ournd.

Then, Jake and Jane start dating which could spiral Sydney right back to the dangerous cult.

Alison is nice to Amanda, which means Amanda knows that Billy spilled the rice about Amanda's health issue.  Michael is clearly using Amanda as a pawn to make a name for himself, and they decide to go off to New York together to camp out on the steps of the medical test place to get her in.  Kimberly is growing suspicious.

And Jo is in trouble with the cops, but she is a white, thin, well dressed woman, so they give her plenty of space and deference.  However she has the photos to prove police brutality and that Officer Gay Face isn't Officer Friendly.

Would you believe Puddle has become a Wisconsin sensation by ... get this ... being convicted of first degree MURDER!  Then, when Puddle escapes from prison, 75% of residents of Milwaukee reported that if they knew where this convicted murderer was, they would not tell anyone.  Why?  Because Puddle was ... FRAMED!  Join us on a murder mystery, and perhaps, the discovery of Puddle's whereabouts.  We've been searching for a year.  At long lost, have we found Puddle?

If you or anyone you know has information on the whereabouts of Puddle, please post to social media using #justiceforpuddle or email your hot tip to melroseplacecast@gmail.com Together, we will #findpuddle

Well, Sydney is fully in the cult.  And by that we mean, she is locked under ground in the cult's desert compound.  Why did they take her?  What do they have to gain?  Do they think they'll turn her to their side and thus never be charged with this kidnapping?  Who knows.  But of course this happened because Sydney had Tea Time, where she needed to stay up all night serving tea and crumpets to Martin because he never sleeps.  Turns out, he's married to all of the women and sleeping with them in groups.  Sydney is asked by Martin why he should just marry one woman, who made that rule, to which Sydney meekly replied, "God."  She further explains that it's in the ten commandments, which, we call shade.  So we looked up the ten commandments live on this podcast.  It's a religious awakening that you're in for.

Kimberly and Matt are sparring, and Kimberly seems impressed by Matt's deviousness.  They call a truce as Matt's beefcake boyfriend isn't satisfied writing parking tickets.  Beefcake boyfriend, a line for the ages.

Of course we are also advancing the Michael - Amanda mix up.  Amanda is accepting that she has cancer and needs to address it.  She is showing moments of weakness and vulnerability, and needing to rely on Michael for help and support.  Michael says he can't let their friendship get in the way of her treatment.  Umm, again, we call shade.  There is no friendship between these two but whatever.  Let's put them in a hot tub together soon.  You know, for treatment.

Now, don't think Jo and Jake are gone.  They have a scene where they are taking photos of Jo with the motorcycle by the pool, so Austin will see what she looks like right now.  I don't get it, but Amanda comes in, snaps, and unleashes on Jake for having the bike by the pool.

We recorded live and in person, and the looseness of this episode really shows it.

It is very important that you pick up the point that Melrose Place is *subtly* putting down - Kimberly is suffering a mental health crisis.  She didn't test very ... positively and Matt had to tell her that she has poor anger management, doesn't handle stress well, has sociopathic tendencies and dissociative identity.  You know, nothing that some counseling can't fix.  Counseling. Also, it is newly established that Matt Fielding has managed to earn not one but two intense master's degrees yet it was Billy who got the student loan story line from season one.  Okay Melrose Place. Meanwhile, Rikki is causing problems for Sydney, who is becoming a true believer as she becomes more and more isolated from her friends and family.  It's not looking good, sis. A quick check in with Jake and Jo - they're not getting back together as Jo is grieving Austin's adoption. Meanwhile, Amanda and Michael are now in a story line together, as Amanda is confirmed to have Hodkin's Lymphoma, and Michael is going to become an oncologist.   Finally, Meredith is back in town, and kid sister Alison tells her that the solution to suffering from abuse at the hands of their father and thus never having a real relationship or any kind of sexual relationship with a man, is to wear some sexy clothes DESIGNED BY JANE MANCINI.  Ma'am, this is not going to work.  Also, Meredith is a single woman, working as a librarian, who owns an enormous house in downtown San Francisco and uses the word conference as a verb. So here we are - barrelling through the second half of season three of Melrose Place.  This place about to blow!

The most beautiful woman in America is back, but not really, the most beautiful woman in America is still the most beautiful ghost in America, but Monique Duran is here and ready to insert herself into Teri Spencer's life.  Brian is into Monique because she's actually Teri, Carrie is leaning on Monique because she's actually Teri, and Hillary is ready to build the agency around Monique because she's actually Teri.  The most beautiful woman in America, ladies and gentlemen.

Sarah from Iowa talks about field parties in Iowa, and starts tipping back on the bottle when Brian breaks up with her so that he can go back to the most beautiful woman in America who sprays herself with water to seduce, the camera.  Yeah, that's right, the camera.

We are back with GREAT 90s commercials.  You'll never believe how much a sausage pizza at Little Ceasar's cost in 1994.

melroseplacecast@gmail.com

PLEASE HELP US THEY HAVE TAKEN AWAY ALL MODELS, INC. VIDEOS OFF OF THE INTERNET.

This is an urgent plea. 

Please help us CRACK THE CASE and release the tapes.

What on earth was with this title choice?  I mean seriously, at least title it: "SPOILER ALERT: They Shoot Mothers, Don't They?"  Is this a reference that we don't get?  What is happening?  Have they run out of ideas?  

Join us this week as we dissect a DOUBLE episode that has QUADRUPLE the Matt that you're used to and only a QUARTER of the Jane!  Win/win/win.

Amanda survives a drugging and another drugging and attempted murder before reclaiming her job from Whitley, Michael grows a conscience and Matt shows a devious side.

Sydney takes on a roommate after being forced to CONGRATULATE AMANDA on winning her battle with the rent control board allowing for a 33% increase on Sydney's rent.  Yikes.  Sydney's new roommate is, of course, her new spiritual spouse.  RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG all three are ignored.

Alison gets engaged again only to undo it when she sees her fiance sleeping with another woman.  "But babe, she's just some bimbo!" doesn't win over Midwestern Alison and she throws the ring back and tells him to GIVE IT TO THE BIMBO.  Now that she doesn't have another boyfriend, that means she can't possibly be dating Billy.

And the main event.  Jo goes to the lake to retrieve baby Austin/Michael Jr, only to be SHOT IN THE BACK WITH A SHOTGUN by the baby's grandpa/daddy and then decides to give Austin up for adoption so that the writers can get back to what they do best - which is not figuring out how to script a baby.

This week y'all - it was a week.

Well the Internet tips are taking us all over creation - including right up to Heaven proper!  This week, we investigate the possibility that Puddle's run on Melrose Place was actually a fall from grace.  His grace, to be exact.  Was Puddle a nationally known, recognized, and loved televangelist who married a gay rights icon and went down in scandal before selling Werewolf cures on the Internet to combat covid?  Or will there be an uncracked egg on Mary's face as she stands very still?  Let's find out together.

If you or anyone you know has information on the whereabouts of Puddle, please post to social media using #justiceforpuddle or email your hot tip to melroseplacecast@gmail.com Together, we will #findpuddle

Well we had taken a month off so we're a bit rusty.  But we also upgraded our recorded experience from the out of the box functionality of anchor by phone to an actual zoom conversation with filters.  Can you see them?  Nope.  But Mary insists on talking about them anyway.

This week, Peter Burns brings in an efficiency expert to get Amanda out of his bed and out of his company.  Apparently he was serious about Amanda until this efficiency expert showed back up.  Is her name Katelyn Mills?  Caitlin Mills?  Perhaps, but we may just call her Whitley.

Alison is back out of Pity Me Pines, and getting back together with Billy.  You know what that means - she also has a new boyfriend.  This boyfriend is the very beefy Terry from rehab and she is back to her old tricks - leaving Billy hanging while she sexes up some other guy.

But the fun part of the episode is Nanny Poppins!  Like out of a dream, a nanny that Jo can apparently afford now shows up just in time to take baby Austin (who now has a name) and drive off into the moonlight.

How many times has Jo lost this baby?

We're nearing the end of our legally-required human resources intervention.

At least as it relates to Melrose Place.

Let's round out this mini-series with a thorough analysis of what an HR professional thinks might be uniquely problematic in the Melrose (work) Places during season four.

We are fortunate this week to be joined by a surprise drop in special guest - Christopher from Melrose Sheltering In Place!  Having seen the entire series, but somehow only a third of this episode, he brings us perspective on the long view.  And he comes down on side Teege: Mary should watch this show.

In what can only be described as a mid-season finale, all of the story lines wrap up.  Eric and Linda are over, and Eric is leaving town.  The porno blackmail has been dealt with.  Sarah and David are done, and David is with Julie, where he belongs.  Carrie comes clean about her son and Paul leaves her to go back to his wife.  The murderer is revealed, jailed, and taken off of the show.  

But two new models are on the scene: Cynthia, who has a five year plan, and Monique Duran, who, I swear to god, is the most beautiful woman in America.

Join us on our monthly check up on Models, Inc.!

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While we have been looking everywhere for Puddle, it never occurred to us to call in a new investigator.  We are joined by our Expert Millenial to look through the wreckage of American Society and tell us just where Puddle is.  Good news - she's got some hot leads.  Bad news - it looks like the real Puddle shook her off his trail.  There's always next month.  We will continue the search.  #justiceforpuddle

It's Ebenezer Woodward!  Or Amanda McScrooge!  Get it, as in Scrooge McDuck.  Look. Melrose Place took us on a Dickens thrill ride, now with the added enhancement of "feel the rope burn on my neck.  Touch it!"  She turns over a new leaf, but not before telling Alison how she feels about "Pity Me Pines" and telling Donatelo Versace, the fashionable Ninja Turtle, that her nephews can't go to college.

Billy and Alison are clearly rekindling, even though there's no evidence that Alison knows Susan is out of the picture.  Of course, because Alison is again into Billy, she's now ready to take on a new boyfriend.

Sydney and Jane decide to go back to Illinois for Christmas and are not in the show.  Also no evidence that Jane has lost $500,000.

Matt and Jeffrey break up so we can gear the show towards the second half of the season and we get some real tea on how gay men were dealing with AIDS in 1994.

But the big news - Michael tricks Kimberly into going to work so she can deliver Michael Junior to Jo, throwing in some shade about how Jo caused them so much strife just because they stole her baby.  Kimberly gets revenge by calling the Carters and letting them know that the baby IS AAAAALLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVEEEEEE!

Also, we are fortunate to have an expert millenial guest, Kailagh, who takes a strong stance on potluck etiquette, becomes a fan of Melrose Place, and gets the quick rundown of every characters' backstory from two of the foremost experts on Melrose Place, Teege and Mary!

Y'all, the podcast for this episode may have been more fun than the episode was.

Oh and Peter's not bad again.  Cool cool.

If you are our age, and since you're listening to this podcast we assume you are, then you likely had a friend in Puddle, even if you didn't know it.  Teege chases down a lead that suggest Puddle was a friend to millions, trained a generation on entry level website editing skills, and made a gajillion dollars without involving Russian troll farms.  

Is this the break we've needed to end this mini-series?

If you or anyone you know has information on the whereabouts of Puddle, please post to social media using #justiceforpuddle or email your hot tip to melroseplacecast@gmail.com Together, we will #findpuddle

"The needy people always get the attention."  Teege thought this was a fact so plainly obvious, no argument would be necessary.  Mary disagreed, leading to some awkward infighting.  We pushed through it, though.

Chris from the JC Penny's Bow Tie Section is gone, Susan is on her way out, and we appear to be rearranging the direction of the characters to push towards an explosive season three.

Peter's takeover of D&D is complete and Amanda is now the President.  Only after the coup is complete does Peter reveal his true colors - he is creepy and jealous and over protective and needs to be dealt with.

We get the classic Americana line of, "Your bitch wife stole my baby!" and we learn that Michael knowing the truth is going to defend his sweet wife and keep Michael Junior in the beach house.

Jo continues to play nice trying to get her baby back, Jo and Sydney break up, and Alison is going all Alison in rehab.

Join us as this long journey continues.

melroseplacecast@gmail.com

Think what you want, but the Nancy Reagan tea at the start of the episode is worth the cost of this podcast.

The characters of Melrose Place are converging, so there are just three main story lines.

Hostile Take Over! Amanda is now the President of D&D, and she promotes Billy in his acid wash jeans to Vice President of Accounts.  Billy, who two years ago, was dating comedians in his taxi.  I wonder if his step son Martin would be proud of him now.  Bruce hangs himself in Amanda's office, leaving a handwritten note behind.  And Alison is in trouble, because when it looked like Amanda was out, Alison let her have it.  Now, Amanda ordered Billy to fire her, but he instead takes Matt's advice and gets Alison into treatment for alcoholism so she can't be fired.  #sneaky

Hostile Taking!  Chris had previously nabbed Sydney off the streets of LA, and now she is the most comfortable kidnapping victim you ever did see.  She is getting massages, drinks with umbrellas, ordering room service, and much to Mary's delight: booking hot air balloon breakfasts.  She calls Jake for help, who remarks that she is the best looking hostage victim he's ever seen.  Coming with Jake for the rescue is Jane and Michael, who have sex in the room since they already paid for it.

Hostile Baby Napping!  Jo is going nuts.  She is yelling down the hallways of a hospital that her baby is alive and it's the doctors who are crazy.  She breaks into Kimberly's house and steals her own baby back, only to be confronted by the police who take Jo's baby away and give it to Kimberly again.  Of course, this baby still has no documents, Kimberly cannot prove to be a parent, and even Michael said, "explain to me again where the little monster came from."

What is even happening?

"Ladies and Gentleman, We Got 'Em!" is what you might imagine the LAPD saying as they have MADE AN ARREST in the murder of Teri Spencer.  Hillary triumphantly announces this, saying "It's all over" even though she was also arrested for the murder of Teri Spencer and it did not turn out to be all over at that point.  Something suggests there may be some twists and turns coming our way.

Eric and Linda have a feud, as Linda refuses to bail Eric out of jail and says goodbye.  Eric reveals that he still has the blackmail tape of Linda, and Chris rescues her as a prince charming yelling, "Stay away from her, she's mine!"  Awww, sweet romance.

Sweet Sarah from Iowa is not sleeping with Brian, sees that he has a shrine to her looking just like Teri Spencer, FEELS THE NEED TO SPEAK INTO THE CAMERA "he's making us look the same" and then goes back to David for comfort.  Meanwhile, Julie is just going to move in with David.  After all, keeping an eye on David is her favorite thing to do.  But just an eye.

But we start with some hot news from the Melrose Place facebook group where Teege's post about Models, Inc. generated more engagement than ANYTHING about Melrose Place in the last few months, including actual content from actual Jack Wagner who was the actual Dr. Peter Burns.  Perhaps there is some Models, Inc. nostalgia out there waiting to be tapped like a sycamore in a Vermont forest ready to release some maple syrup.

Join us for this monthly update of Models, Inc. 'Cast!

It was sweeps week, right?  Can anyone confirm that it was sweeps week?  Because they wrote Matt out and every story line was slamming.

Chris from JC Penny steals $500,000 from Jane but really from JC Penny and he buys Sydney earrings while she's alone but then chooses to kidnap her into his limousine from a crowded city street later in the day.  Oh, brothers-in-law, ammiright?

Bruce finds out that Amanda is devious and fires her, treating her like the rest of the nation treated January 6th Insurrectionists, shouting that he hopes he never has to see her traitorous face again.  In a small detail from earlier in the episode, this occurs only after Amanda links Billy's success at D&D to her rise to take over.  Alison, on the other hand, is on the outs with Amanda.  Now that Amanda's gone, it's Alison's good fortune.

Speaking of Alison, she is arrested for drunk driving, hitting an enormous, shape shifting child on a bike, and needs Billy to rescue her.  She asks him to stay the night, leaving his girlfriend and her best friend alone in his apartment.  She makes another play to get Billy to dump Susan, Queen of the Boyfriend Snatchers, but is rebuffed and accused (correctly) of drinking alcohol.

And wow, in a storyline for the ages, Kimberly fakes the death of Jo's baby, steals the baby, and breast feeds it.  Of course, Kimberly is barren and thus not lactating so this is really an unfortunate turn for sweet, unnamed baby.  I bet they name him Reed.

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Well, Mary comes down from the Great White North with a hot pot of scalding tea: we've all been singing along to Puddle's music for years, and girl we just didn't know it was true!  Was Puddle's run on Melrose Place a rouse for his career flop?  Was Sydney's mattress meant to be a launching pad?  And where exactly does Ashlee Simpson fit into all of this?  Look, if we were wrong about Lisa Loeb, then maybe we're onto something with this week's musical tip.  

Sadly, not this time.

If you or anyone you know has information on the whereabouts of Puddle, please post to social media using #justiceforpuddle or email your hot tip to melroseplacecast@gmail.com Together, we will #findpuddle

Okay, so we need to understand that Alison is FULLY an alcoholic and she is now running down strange kids biking through Los Angeles at night.  But do not even think about questioning the parenting involved - the kid had a helmet!  Also Alison has a bad influence, Zach, who is enabling, justifying, and otherwise supporting her downward spiral.

Billy and Susan invite Alison to Thanksgiving dinner, and opt for an intervention instead.  It goes as well as you'd expect, especially if you were part of the Moral Majority of Two.

Amanda and Peter continue their scheme to replace Bruce at D & D Advertising for reasons that are not fully explained.  

Matt's parents tell him Jeffrey can come to Thanksgiving, but only if Jeffrey is introduced as a good friend.  Alert to parents of gays everywhere: no one has ever been tricked by the "my good friend is coming to a major family holiday" line.

But, perhaps most importantly for the next few episodes: Jo agrees to let Kimberly deliver and declare her baby dead.  Over a cranberry juice cocktail, no less!  Somehow, I think Kimberly is going to get her stupid baby.

In a recent special episode, expert guest Christopher (of Melrose Sheltering In Place infamy) told us that Sam was the worst character on Melrose Place - and her actions led directly to the worst thing that happened in the entire series.

Of course, Mary and Teege have no idea what he's referring to.

Of course, that won't stop us from throwing out haphazard guesses anyway.

Join us in trying to guess, "What did Sam do?!?"

It's another special episode - just preserving some of the great banter that wouldn't otherwise make it.  This tells the sad, sad, tale of shoes left behind, shoes yet to be found, and shoes needing to be sized properly.  Throw in an anti-corporation rant just for fun.

Julie is in charge.

Julie is in charge.

Julie is in charge.

There, we've said it enough to make sure that it's clear that for about 20 minutes, Julie is in charge of Models, Inc.

Stephanie takes advantage of Eric, who turns to drug dealing to make money.  Linda starts a new relationship, and turns Eric in for drug dealing after he hits her.

David still loves Sad Eyed Sarah (you have to listen to understand) but Brian is spending 12 hours with her in one day!  Hillary comes to see David after she is released from jail with her striking blue jumpsuit, only to find that he has left.  SCANDAL!

Stephanie is oddly obsessed with the models on the wall and demands Eric tell her how he likes her body.

If this seems scattered, welcome to Models, Inc.

Also - not one single person seems to care who shot David.

Joined again by our expert millenialister, Gail, we are ready to dive all the way in to Melrose Place 3.10.  Billy, Alison, and Susan work together to create a kitchenware concerto, which is really just concert with an o.  Alison takes drugs for the first time and makes Jo lose Kimberly's baby to her dead boyfriend's parents.  Amanda and Peter continue to plot to take over D&D even though Bruce has a heart attack, from get this, intense dancing at, get this, a client party at, get this, D&D advertising?  It's a no for me.

Also, Melrose Place resisted long enough, but partway through the third season and we land where we were destined to from day one: Matt has an AIDS storyline.

Oh, and we forgot to mention it on the show, but Chris gets himself signed on to Jane's bank account as a signatory.

melroseplacecast@gmail.com