In Part 2 of Libby's conversation with Emily Nagoski, there's a deeper conversation about the concept of "maintenance s*x" and how you may be doing it to safe your relationship, but it may actually be destroying it.

Emily Nagoski's website: https://www.emilynagoski.com/ Emily Nagoski on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/enagoski/

Emily Nagoski's books (highly recommended!): https://bookshop.org/contributors/emily-nagoski-4318b5e2-0f22-4415-963b-ce5a1f467607

The amazing Emily Nagoski joins Libby on Making Polyamory Work to drop truth bomb after truth bomb about sex in long-term relationships.

Emily Nagoski's website: https://www.emilynagoski.com/ Emily Nagoski on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/enagoski/

Emily Nagoski's books (highly recommended!): https://bookshop.org/contributors/emily-nagoski-4318b5e2-0f22-4415-963b-ce5a1f467607

Libby talks with AASECT-certified sexuality educator Aubri Lancaster about asexuality and aromanticism.

Aubri's website: https://acesexeducation.com/

Aubri's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/acesexeducation/

Taking a time out is so important when things get heated or uncomfortable. However, there are more useful and less useful ways to take a time out. In this episode, Libby lays out how to take a time out in a way that enhances, rather than disrupts, connection.

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Black Poly Pride: June 4-7, 2020 in Washington, DC

Terry Real's 10 Commandments of a Time Out

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EVENTS WHERE LIBBY IS PRESENTING

Atlanta Poly in Atlanta, February 29, 2020

Southwest Love Fest in Tucson, April 3-5, 2020

RelateCon in Boise, April 24-26, 2020

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Find Libby on the Web: https://libbysinback.com

Sign up for coaching at http://talktolibby.com

The most essential skill to having healthier relationships.

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EVENTS WHERE LIBBY IS PRESENTING

Atlanta Poly in Atlanta, February 29, 2020

Southwest Love Fest in Tucson, April 3-5, 2020

RelateCon in Boise, April 24-26, 2020

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Find Libby on the Web: https://libbysinback.com

Sign up for coaching at http://talktolibby.com

In this episode, Libby offers an idea on making upcoming difficult situations smoother, easier and more connecting.

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EVENTS WHERE LIBBY IS PRESENTING

Winter Poly Wonderland in West Virginia, February 13-16, 2020

Atlanta Poly in Atlanta, February 29, 2020

Southwest Love Fest in Tucson, April 3-5, 2020

RelateCon in Boise, April 24-26, 2020

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Find Libby on the Web: https://libbysinback.com

Sign up for coaching at http://talktolibby.com

Libby answers a listener question about navigating sharing a home and sharing that home with other partners.

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SHOW LINKS

Couple Privilege: having it doesn't necessarily make you an asshole (but it might) by Amy Gahran

5 Reasons Couple Privilege Doesn't Exist by Lola Phoenix

'why do couples stop having sex?' is the wrong question by Emily Nagoski

Navigating Difficult Conversations

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EVENTS WHERE LIBBY IS PRESENTING

PolyLiving in Philadelphia, February 7-9, 2020

Winter Poly Wonderland in West Virginia, February 13-16, 2020

Atlanta Poly in Atlanta, February 29, 2020

Southwest Love Fest in Tucson, April 3-5, 2020

RelateCon in Boise, April 24-26, 2020

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Find Libby on the Web: https://libbysinback.com

Sign up for coaching at http://talktolibby.com

Libby explains the theory of attachment styles and what they might mean for your relationships.  (All of this stuff is Googleable, y'all, if you want to know more. ) ------------------------------------------------ Find Libby on the Web: https://libbysinback.com Apply for your free intro session at http://talktolibby.com

Libby talks about what to do when we don't feel seen by the people we love.

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SHOW LINKS

Feeling Understood — Even More Important Than Feeling Loved? https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/201706/feeling-understood-even-more-important-feeling-loved

Neural Bases of Being Understood and not Understood: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4249470/

On Feeling Understood and Feeling Well: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2652476/

Loneliness: a disease? https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3890922/

Brené Brown and True Belonging: https://ideas.ted.com/finding-our-way-to-true-belonging/

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Find Libby on the Web: https://libbysinback.com

Apply for your free intro session at http://talktolibby.com

Libby answers her first listener question on the show, where a listener asks, does it always make sense to disclose potential dealbreakers before the first date?  ------------------------------- SHOW LINKS Page Turner on Ambiamory: https://www.kinkly.com/youve-heard-of-polyamory-but-what-about-ambiamory/2/17832 Dating with HIV: https://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/a48131/dating-with-hiv/ I'm a Sex Worker and Dating is Awkward: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/im-a-sex-worker-and-dating-is-awkward_b_6770650 So You're Dating a Sex Worker: https://rewire.news/article/2017/11/27/youre-dating-sex-worker-heres-not/ What It's Like to Date Online as a Trans Person: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/what-its-really-like-to-online-date-as-a-trans-person_n_5b848aace4b0cf7b002e467b -------------------------------- Find Libby on the Web: https://libbysinback.com Sign up for coaching at http://talktolibby.com

Libby talks about when you should tell potential partners that you're polyamorous or nonmonogamous.

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EVENTS WHERE LIBBY IS PRESENTING

PolyLiving in Philadelphia, February 7-9, 2020

Winter Poly Wonderland in West Virginia, February 13-16, 2020

Atlanta Poly in Atlanta, February 29, 2020

Southwest Love Fest in Tucson, April 3-5, 2020

RelateCon in Boise, April 24-26, 2020

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Find Libby on the Web: https://libbysinback.com

Sign up for coaching at http://talktolibby.com

In this episode, Libby talks about ghosting, what it is, why it sucks, when it's justified, and how to cope. Libby also offers a kinder alternative to ghosting.

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SHOW LINKS

Comic on Ghosting by Hell is Other Women: https://www.facebook.com/hellisotherwomen/posts/557199481702112

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EVENTS WHERE LIBBY IS PRESENTING

PolyLiving in Philadelphia, February 7-9, 2020

Winter Poly Wonderland in West Virginia, February 13-16, 2020

Atlanta Poly in Atlanta, February 29, 2020

Southwest Love Fest in Tucson, April 3-5, 2020

RelateCon in Boise, April 24-26, 2020

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Find Libby on the Web: https://libbysinback.com

Sign up for coaching at http://talktolibby.com

Using a real, raw story from her own life, Libby talks about the day-to-day, minute-to-minute practice of gentleness in relationships.

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Show Links

Harvey: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0042546/

My favorite article about Fred Rogers: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/11/19/magazine/mr-rogers.html

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Find Libby on the Web: https://libbysinback.com

Sign up for coaching at http://talktolibby.com

Libby shares her thoughts about debate about whether hierarchy is bad or wrong in polyamory.

Additional reading: Lola Phoenix - the Hierarchy Polyamorous People Don't Talk Enough About: https://www.nonmonogamyhelp.com/the-hierarchy-polyamorous-people-dont-talk-enough-about/

Ready for Polyamory - Is there a Problem with Hierarchy https://www.readyforpolyamory.com/post/guest-post-is-there-a-problem-with-hierarchy

Poly.Land - Sneakiarchy: https://poly.land/2018/11/01/sneakiarchy-secret-hierarchy-dishonest-egalitarianism/

Joreth Retracts Descriptive vs Prescriptive Hierarchy: https://joreth.dreamwidth.org/408917.html

Podcast episodes referenced in the episode: Veto Happens: https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/veto-happens

Where is this Going?: https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/where-is-this-going

Libby talks about the two magic relationship ratios uncovered by scientific research conducted by the Gottman Institute and some implications for polyamorous relationships.

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The Magic Conflict Ratio: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/

About the 20:1 Ratio: https://psyedges.wordpress.com/2014/06/22/51-2/

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Find Libby on the Web: https://libbysinback.com

Sign up for coaching at http://talktolibby.com

Holiday bullsh*t getting you down? Libby makes the case for how a little self-compassion can go a long way. ------------------------------- Show Links Mapping Your Love Workshop in DC: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/mapping-your-love-tickets-77746210007 Winter Poly Wonderland: https://cfnc.us/winterpoly/ Poly Living: https://www.lovingmorenonprofit.org/conferences/polyliving/philadelphia/ The Gottman Institute on Contempt: https://www.gottman.com/blog/this-one-thing-is-the-biggest-predictor-of-divorce/ The Harvard Business Review on Self-Compassion: https://hbr.org/2018/09/give-yourself-a-break-the-power-of-self-compassion About the Carleton University Study on Self-Compassion and Procrastination: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/dont-delay/200903/self-forgiveness-reduces-procrastination Kristin Neff's Website on Self-Compassion: https://self-compassion.org/ ---------------------------- Find Libby on the Web: https://libbysinback.com Sign up for coaching at http://talktolibby.com

In this episode, Libby talks about love languages and how understanding your love language and the love languages of those that you love can transform your relationships for the better and help everyone love and appreciate each other more fully.

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Mapping Your Love Workshop in DC: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/mapping-your-love-tickets-77746210007

Winter Poly Wonderland: https://cfnc.us/winterpoly/

Poly Living: https://www.lovingmorenonprofit.org/conferences/polyliving/philadelphia/

Love Languages Graphic: https://theladiescoach.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/How-to-speak-your-partners-Love-Language.png

Love Languages Quiz: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/

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Find Libby on the Web: https://libbysinback.com

Sign up for coaching at http://talktolibby.com

In this episode, Libby talks about compersion, what it is, where it comes from, and makes the case that we don't have to feel it to be good polyamorous people, and what to do when we don't.

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Mapping Your Love Workshop in DC: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/mapping-your-love-tickets-77746210007

Winter Poly Wonderland: https://cfnc.us/winterpoly/

Poly Living: https://www.lovingmorenonprofit.org/conferences/polyliving/philadelphia/

More about the Karista Commune: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kerista

Mudita: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mudita

Probably Poly Episode on Jealousy: https://soundcloud.com/probably-poly/jealousy-live-at-apw

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Libby's new website: https://libbysinback.com

Sign up for coaching at http://talktolibby.com

Sometimes you just need to complain and get something off your chest. Here's a tip on how to do that in a way that might be easier for others to hear and help make things better. -------------------------------------- Show Links Feedback Wheel Handout: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1W0rbu1nWTYOdQNl4gvdgPWTuLBWKCjcOol_8AUoTZi0/edit "The Story I'm Making Up": https://www.businessinsider.com/brene-browns-biggest-life-hack-is-a-simple-phrase-2015-8 Schedule a Free Coaching Session: http://talktolibby.com/

Let's talk about why it's so important to be willing to put things on the line in your relationships, to stand up for what you want, and confront issues - before they get too big to deal with.

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Show Links:

Brené Brown's TED Talk on Vulnerability: https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability

Daring Greatly: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1592408419

Domestic Violence Hotline and Website: https://www.thehotline.org/help/

Solvable vs. Perpetual Problems: https://www.gottman.com/blog/managing-conflict-solvable-vs-perpetual-problems/

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If you'd like to ask a question for the show, feel free to e-mail at libby@libbysinback.com or leave a voicemail at the link below.

To book a free introductory coaching session, visit http://www.talktolibby.com

Learning how to listen better is so important to being a great partner, friend, parent, child, coworker, etc. In this episode, Libby offers some advanced tips on how to be an awesome listener. Show notes: How Curiosity Makes You a Better Partner: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_curious_people_have_better_relationships ------------------------------------ To contact Libby, email her at libby@libbysinback.com or find her on Facebook at https://facebook.com/libbysinback. If you'd like to set up a free coaching call, visit http://www.talktolibby.com

When you're trying to make a change, do something different, learn a new skill, what can help set you up for success? My answer? The right mindset can help a lot.

Malcolm Gladwell's book Outliers: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/3228917-outliers

On Deliberate Practice: https://lifehacker.com/what-mozart-and-kobe-bryant-can-teach-us-about-delibera-1442488267

To sign up for a free coaching session in December: https://calendly.com/libbysinback/one-conversation

In this episode, Libby shares concrete steps for creating a healthy emotional boundary between you and your partner, so that you don't react to, take on, or take responsibility for your partner's difficult feelings.

Why is it that some monogamous couples who open upend up blowing up their existing relationship while others don’t? Libby offers one idea that you might not have heard. 

Show links:

The Most Skipped Step when Opening Up a Relationship [https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49]

John Bowlby and Attachment Theory [https://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment.html]

The Gottman Institute on "Turning Towards" [https://www.gottman.com/blog/want-to-improve-your-relationship-start-paying-more-attention-to-bids/]

The Science of Conflict Resolution [https://www.gottman.com/blog/repair-secret-weapon-emotionally-connected-couples/]

To schedule a free introductory coaching session with me to talk about this and more, click here: [https://calendly.com/libbysinback/one-conversation]

Most folks practicing nonmonogamy accept that no one person can meet all their needs. And yet, sometimes it can be challenging when a new partner starts meeting needs that haven't been met by an established relationship. In this episode Libby explores the trickiness when new relationships fulfill desires that established ones don't some ideas to help you navigate this situation well.

There’s Nothing to Fear: https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/theres-nothing-to-fear
9 Relationships of a Modern Marriage: https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/9-relationships-of-a-modern-marriage
Where is this going? https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/where-is-this-going
This may be a bitter pill https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/this-may-be-a-bitter-pill

Do you know about sh*tty first drafts? It can be a helpful concept in your relationships.

This week Libby shares a re-release from December 2019 about the science of compassion, and why it's key to loving relationships, including the one with yourself.

The Gottman Institute on Contempt: https://www.gottman.com/blog/this-one-thing-is-the-biggest-predictor-of-divorce/ The Harvard Business Review on Self-Compassion: https://hbr.org/2018/09/give-yourself-a-break-the-power-of-self-compassion About the Carleton University Study on Self-Compassion and Procrastination:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/dont-delay/200903/self-forgiveness-reduces-procrastination Kristin Neff's Website on Self-Compassion:

https://self-compassion.org/

Part two of Libby's conversation with Dr. Joli Hamilton where they discuss how navigating differences can open a relationship and the people in it into transformation.

Joli's website: https://www.jolihamilton.com/

The Year of Opening: https://www.jolihamilton.com/TYO

What happens when exploring different relationship styles reveals uncomfortable differences between you and a partner? In this episode, Libby talks with Dr. Joli Hamilton about polyamory as a sacred process of individuation and grief.

Joli's website: https://www.jolihamilton.com/

The Year of Opening: https://www.jolihamilton.com/TYO

Long-requested, Libby discusses solo polyamory with Crystal Byrd Farmer, author, organizer, diversity consultant.. and solo polyamorist.

SHOW LINKS:

Crystal's website: https://crystalbyrdfarmer.com/

Crystal's book: https://newsociety.com/books/t/the-token

Solo polyamory: https://solopoly.net/2014/12/05/what-is-solo-polyamory-my-take/

In this part 2, Libby and Alyssa talk through some of the challenges that can show up in nonmonogamy for people who are neurodiverse

Libby and Alyssa discuss being neurodiverse and how polyamory and being neurodiverse can complement each other beautifully.

Triangles show up in relationships all over the place. In this episode Libby discusses triangulation, what it is, common ways it can show up in polyamory, and whether triangulation can harm or help.

The Multiamory crew takes over Making Polyamory Work to talk about aggressive fairness in polyamory, what it looks like, and how you can find equity in your relationships.

Multiamory's website: https://www.multiamory.com/

Libby talks through when she personally does NOT opt for boundaries, and why boundaries are often the last move she will make in navigating relationship difficulties.

Libby and Jules answer a listener who asks, "If boundaries are between you and you, then what is a boundary violation?" Jules also goes over her 6 steps to setting an external boundary.

Jules' Website: https://www.julianetaylorshore.com/

Jules Book, Setting Boundaries that Stick: https://bookshop.org/p/books/setting-boundaries-that-stick-how-neurobiology-can-help-you-rewire-your-brain-to-feel-safe-connected-and-empowered-juliane-taylor-shore/19642175

Libby is joined by author and therapist Juliane Taylor Shore to talk about internal boundaries and how crucial they are (even though they are often not talked about or overlooked when people talk about boundaries.)

Jules' Website: https://www.julianetaylorshore.com/

Jules Book, Setting Boundaries that Stick: https://bookshop.org/p/books/setting-boundaries-that-stick-how-neurobiology-can-help-you-rewire-your-brain-to-feel-safe-connected-and-empowered-juliane-taylor-shore/19642175

The word "codependent" comes up a lot in polyamory spaces, but so often it is misused that it's losing its meaning. Libby talks about her dislike of the term, how she thinks it often is used to shame and pathologize perfectly normal human needs, and how she likes to talk about codependence differently.

A lot of people are talking about boundaries now. But as Inigo Montoya once said, "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." In this episode Libby explains that boundaries are not a magic way to get people to do what you want them to do.

Nothing is a hot-button topic quite like a couple looking to date the same person. A lot of people have only one piece of advice, "Don't," often served with heaping portions of shame and ridicule. Yet, year after year, established couples seek to find a shared partner, and many folks also seek relationships with established couples. Is there something to this? In this episode, Libby offers some thoughts on why you might want to date as a couple (or date a couple) and some helpful ideas on how to do this well.

Increasingly, Libby hears from folks who are interested in polyamory to solve a problem: either they or their partner cheated, and they want to repair and stay together, and nonmonogamy seems like a solution. In this episode, Libby outlines why it's rarely that simple.

Libby offers an uncomfortable but necessary reality check: love alone doesn't conquer all.

Maybe you know the joke, maybe you don't, but showing up for a second date with a uhaul can be risky. In this episode, Libby goes over why she thinks cohabiting during the new relationship energy (NRE) phase might not be the best idea, and what to do instead.

We all carry stories with us about who we are, our place in the world, how others will see us, and what's possible for our lives. Some of these stories are stories we like, some are stories we want to write a new ending to. But did you know that try as you might to change the story, there's an invisible force that may be acting on you that might sabotage your efforts? In this episode, Libby talks about how your very own brain can stop you from changing your story, and some ideas for what you can do about that.

Seven and a Half Lessons About the Brain by Lisa Feldman Barrett: https://bookshop.org/a/91754/9780358645597

Juliane Taylor Shore: https://www.cleariskind.com/

Implicit memory and memory reconsolidation: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10615-020-00754-z

Let's think about dating and rejection differently. Shine your light.

Do you sometimes use doing "the right" or "good' things as an excuse to then turn around and do "bad" or "selfish" things? There's a name for this - it's called moral licensing, and it may not just be messing up your goals, but possibly your relationships.

The Willpower Instinct by Kelly McGonagal: https://bookshop.org/a/91754/9781583335086

Article on Moral Licensing: https://www.businessinsider.com/what-moral-licensing-means-2017-11

In Part 2, Polysecure author, Jessica Fern and Libby talk about a very specific arrangement that relates to privacy/secrecy: the Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT) relationship. Together they discuss why you might want a DADT arrangement, when it can work, and when it might not.

Polysecure books: https://bookshop.org/p/books/the-complete-polysecure-bundle-jessica-fern/19677933 

Southwest Lovefest (use code 'go slow' for 10% off): https://www.swlovefest.com/events/southwest-love-fest-2023

Polysecure author, Jessica Fern joins Libby to talk about a much-asked for topic, Privacy, Secrecy and Transparency. Together they share their own experiences, what they've learned, and how they advise people to handle sharing information. It can be tricky, but there are ways to make it easier!

Polysecure books: https://bookshop.org/p/books/the-complete-polysecure-bundle-jessica-fern/19677933 

Southwest Lovefest (use code 'go slow' for 10% off): https://www.swlovefest.com/events/southwest-love-fest-2023

Libby shares one of her favorite tools for owning your ish when you mess up with someone you care about.

Southwest Lovefest (use code 'go slow' for 10% off): https://www.swlovefest.com/events/southwest-love-fest-2023

Chaneè and Libby answer a question from a listener who identifies as asexual who asked about non-sexual polyamorous relationships. Chaneè identifies as almost-megasexual, Libby identifies as greyace/demisexual, so you can imagine that it is a RICH conversation. They talk about nonsexual partnerships, chosen family, grief, vulnerability and choosing the love that you want for your life. This one is not to be missed!

Amatonormativity: https://elizabethbrake.com/amatonormativity 

Relationship Smorgasbord: https://www.instagram.com/p/CS9n8mqL4ys/?hl=en 

Southwest Lovefest (use code 'go slow' for 10% off):  

Find Chaneè on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chaneespeaks/ 

The Intentional Polyamory Cohort: https://intentionalpolyamory.netlify.app/ 

Schedule time with Chaneè: https://calendly.com/ChaneeSpeaks