Liberating Motherhood – Details, episodes & analysis

The Patriarchal Playbook is my term for the set of canned responses, expectations, and norms men follow without thinking. This concept helps clarify why the behavior of sexist men is both predictable and often nonsensical. In this episode, Jeff and I discuss how that playbook damages heterosexual relationships and limits women’s options. We also go on a lot of sidequests, because we recorded this at night after not having seen each other all day.

Jeff talks a lot about the norms into which men are socialized, and how they’re a poor fit for relationships or being functional humans, let alone being decent partners to women.

We go on side tangents about my continuously failing weightlifting hobby, talk about why men have such bad hygiene, and have a fake fight. Jeff also somewhat randomly interviews me about the scope and nature of my work at the end. We also talk about the book I’m writing, and Jeff discusses his own pet topic: the police state.

We talk a lot about my work on men and hygiene. You can find those pieces here and here. I outlined the specifics of The Patriarchal Playbook in my Weapons Men Use and Gaslighting Inequality series, as well as in this piece on what to expect when you leave your partner.

I hope you’ll check out the newish Liberating Motherhood website, which has a TON of resources.

As always, liking, commenting, and leaving positive reviews are all great ways to support this podcast, thereby ensuring it can continue!

The Trump presidency presents parents with a host of challenges. How do we help our kids feel safe while educating them about oppression? How can white parents inspire their kids to be accomplices standing with the most vulnerable? How can we help kids assess the risk this presidency poses to them and act accordingly? And perhaps most importantly, how do we as parents manage our own emotions so we can help our kids manage theirs? 

Jo-Ann Finkelstein is an expert on talking to kids about feminism, oppression, and social justice. In the wake of the Trump election, she joined me to discuss how to have these conversations with our kids in a way that is productive rather than scary, and that encourages critical thinking at all ages. 

Check out Jo-Ann’s amazing Substack here. 

You can buy Jo-Ann’s incredible book, Sexism and Sensibility, here. 

I mention GLAHR in this podcast, which is local to me, but they have tons of information that is going to be relevant across the United States. Some other organizations I really love include: 

• Southern Center for Human Rights
  
  
• Human Rights Defense Center
  
  
• Black Mamas Matter Alliance
  
  
• American Friends Service Committee
  
  

You can find and contact your elected officials here. 

View some of Zawn's surveys on household labor inequity here: https://zawn.substack.com/t/surveys

Men are angry at their partners. But why, in a world where women are already doing a disproportionate share of relational, household, and parenting labor, do men feel so disenfranchised? 

Follow Zawn at zawn.substack.com or https://www.facebook.com/zawnv/

“What we see is that men do not view us as full humans, as people who can have and make choices.”—Kate Anthony

Welcome back! This is the first episode of Season 2 of the Liberating Motherhood podcast. I hope you’ll follow and/or subscribe, because I have some truly amazing guests lined up for this season.

Women initiate the overwhelming majority of divorces. The far right, incels, and other groups who hate women have weaponized this fact, suggesting it means women are unhinged and unreasonable. Women know the reality: marriage is a bad deal for us, and most women are unhappy in their marriages.
Divorce coach and author Kate Anthony helps women navigate the journey from unhappiness through divorce and to the other side. In this podcast episode, we talk about when to stay and when to go, planning your divorce, what to expect from the court system, and so much more.

Kate offers a healthy relationship checklist which may help you assess your relationship.

We talk briefly about reunification camps. Grant Wyeth has done amazing work on the the abusive family court system. Find him here. You can learn more about reunification camps here.

About Kate Anthony


Kate Anthony is the author of The D Word: Making the Ultimate Decision About Your Marriage, host of the critically acclaimed and New York Times recommended The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast, and the creator of the groundbreaking online coaching program Should I Stay or Should I Go? This program empowers women to navigate one of the most challenging decisions of their lives through a combination of coaching tools, relationship education, neuroscience insights, community support, and deep self-work.

With a background in acting, Kate spent 30 years in front of the camera, including five years on Sesame Street and five years on Grey’s Anatomy. Her transition into coaching was fueled by a desire to help women find strength, confidence, and clarity in even the most disempowering circumstances. She is committed to guiding her clients to move forward with purpose and create plans that prioritize putting their children at the center—not in the middle—of all decisions.

Kate brings a wealth of expertise to her work, with over 500 hours of training in various coaching modalities from top organizations. She is certified as a Domestic Violence Victim’s Advocate by the state of California, a Co-Parenting Specialist by the Mosten Guthrie Academy, and a High Conflict Divorce Coach by Tina Swithin’s High Conflict Divorce Coaching Certification Program. Kate is also widely recognized as an authority in communication, co-parenting, divorce, and emotional intelligence. Beyond her private practice, she has coached Fortune 500 executives in communication and emotional intelligence.

Kate lives in Los Angeles with her son, whom she lovingly co-parents with her ex-husband. When she’s not coaching, writing, or podcasting, she enjoys exploring true crime, home design, and animals while supporting her son’s passion for music.

Find Kate Anthony
Kate’s Amazing Book, The D-Word
Kate’s Website
You Divorce Survival Guide on Facebook

Family court can be a brutal experience for women, especially those who have experienced abuse, neglect, and violence. While the standards in family courts seem neutral, gender bias has infiltrated every corner of our world, especially our highly conservative court system. Women face an uphill battle, a bias in favor of believing men, and a culture that prioritizes men’s access to their children over children’s safety and well-being.

The way you express yourself in family court is critical. You’ll need to be succinct, to present as the sort of “good mother” courts respect, and depict the violence and abuse in a way judges understand. Your lawyer may not know how to help you do this—and even if they do, they may charge you tens of thousands of dollars to help you craft your image.

That’s where Kaitlyn comes in. She’s not a substitute for legal advice. She’s a supportive advocate who can help you understand family court norms and better meet judge’s expectations. Her message is a hopeful one: strategy matters, and may radically change the outcome.
In this podcast, we talk about tipping the odds more in your favor, effective family court strategies, how trauma can negatively impact advocacy, and how to anticipate and manage bias.
You can visit Kaitlyn on Instagram here. Kaitlyn offers one-on-one family court strategy sessions, and you can book a session with her here. Some other resources from Kaitlyn include:

• Kaitlyn’s Substack
• Kaitlyn’s downloadable family court guides
• Support Kaitlyn’s work

In the next few weeks, I’ll be talking quite a bit about how courts fail to protect women, including to the point of allowing their partners to murder them. So if you’re not a subscriber, sign up now to get it all in your inbox.

Content warning: This podcast extensively discusses all forms of intimate partner violence, some child abuse, and briefly discusses the death of a child, but not in graphic detail. 

Intimate partner violence is much more than physical violence. Every physically violent perpetrator was, for a time, not physically violent. The emotionally abusive, degrading, and controlling environment these perpetrators create is ultimately what enables the physical violence. 

Our society recognizes only a very limited number of behaviors as abusive, which is why so many women feel shocked and stunned when their partners finally become violent. When you understand coercive control, though, it becomes clear that the violence is part of a controlling strategy. 

Coercive control is the environment abusers create, and it’s much more—and much worse—than just violence. While it is deeply isolating, it follows very predictable patterns. In this podcast, we talk about topics such as: 

• What coercive control is, and why it is the norm in heterosexual relationships. 
  
  
• Why a relationship can be abusive even if there is no physical violence. 
  
  
• How to tell if your relationship is abusive. 
  
  
• Why abusers abuse their partners. 
  
  
• The most common strategies abusers use. 
  
  
• Why abusers cannot be good fathers.
  
  
• Helping a child recover from exposure to domestic violence. 
  
  
• How gender socialization renders women more vulnerable to abuse. 
  
  
• Risk factors for the father weaponizing the child against the mother. 
  
  

Emma Katz, a world-renowned expert on coercive control, focuses her research and writing on the effects of coercive control on children. She dispels the notion that a man can abuse the mother but still be a “good dad,” and talks extensively about how courts often replicate abusive norms. 

These coercively controlling men might seem cunning, but they’re largely following the same playbook. Understanding that playbook empowers women to recognize abuse earlier, to identify when it is happening, and potentially, to leave. 

I highly recommend Dr. Katz’s Substack. Find that here. Read more about her on her website, or buy her incredible book here. 

Zawn and Jeff discuss why being a “nice guy” is a red flag, not a green one, why men who abuse women commonly claim to have been victims of abuse, and whether men ever deserve the benefit of the doubt.

See some of my previous work on nice guys here: 

• Signs your 'nice guy' isn't actually a nice guy
• The myth of the bumbling nice guy

Desiree Stephens is an incredible racial justice and decolonization activist. I originally wanted to discuss with her the role of rest and pleasure in activism, but as is so often the case in conversations with Desiree, we ended up covering so much more ground. 

Desiree frames so many things in ways I’ve never heard them framed before. She can be quite confronting—leaving you with the choice of wallowing in defensiveness or rising to her challenge and thinking more deeply. I encourage readers to do the latter, and to follow Desiree to learn more. 

You can follow Desiree on Substack here, or on Facebook here. 

Sexual coercion in marriage is widespread and normalized. In roughly half of marriages, this coercion escalates to abuse. 

Men dismiss women as less sexual, and insist that women should therefore cater to men’s needs. The data suggest otherwise. Women avoid sex with men because men do not offer them sex that is worth having—and because they create abusive environments that destroy sexual desire. 

Men who actually want to have sex should listen to women’s concerns. Instead, they become sexually coercive—apparently more interested in complaining about sex than actually having it. 

In this podcast, Jeff and I talk about the normalization of violence and abuse in marriage, and why a more feminist approach could help everyone enjoy a healthier sex life. 

You can read the data from my sex survey here. I’ll also be doing an update survey in about a month!

We'll be covering other forms of sexual abuse and dysfunction in subsequent episodes, and welcome your feedback on what you'd like to hear us discuss next.

All of our main feed podcast episodes are free, but we’ll be releasing a monthly bonus episode to paid Substack and Patreon subscribers. This month’s bonus comes out tomorrow. Subscribing also helps support the podcast so we can do more episodes, gives you access to the Liberating Motherhood support group, includes at least eight extra pieces of content per month, and funds scholarships for those who cannot afford paid subscriptions.

Subscribe on Substack or Patreon.