On Friday, I attended the Green Party Conference. I had applied for press accreditation some weeks ago, not expecting for a minute to be issued with one. But I was. Nobody was more surprised than I, and part of me still expected to be turned away at the door. The conference was in Brighton, Trans Tinseltown, a very fitting venue.
In fact, the conference…
The Greens are Dangerous Lunatics
Sunday, September 20, 2026 • Duration 32:47
Emine Ibrahim’s verbatim speech, given at a Green Party-led London council chamber last week
Chair, Cabinet Members,
I want to speak tonight about the importance of protecting single-sex provision for women and girls experiencing violence and abuse.
For me, this isn’t an abstract policy debate. It is personal.
I came to Haringey as a little girl in 1986 with my mum and my sister, fleeing domestic violence. Before specialist domestic-abuse provision existed in anything like the form we recognise today, we were placed in hotels — notably in Holborn and St Pancras.
We were there alongside other women and girls, sharing facilities in circumstances where privacy and security were extremely limited. I remember women and girls having to stand guard at bathroom doors for one another, simply to protect our collective dignity.
Domestic violence provision has come a very long way since then. We should be proud of that progress — and determined not to lose it.
Single-sex provision isn’t an incidental feature of VAWG services. For many women it is an essential part of feeling safe enough to disclose what has happened to them, to rebuild trust and to begin recovering from trauma.
Women don’t arrive at rape-crisis centres or domestic-abuse services because everything is going well. They seek those services at perhaps the greatest hour of need and vulnerability in their lives.
At that moment, the responsibility of the service must be to meet the needs of the woman seeking help.
Requiring a traumatised woman, as a condition of accessing desperately needed support, to be inclusive of or affirm another vulnerable person’s identity places an additional burden upon her at precisely the moment when she should be asking nothing more complicated than: am I safe here?
I believe that is an abuse of power.
This does not mean that other vulnerable people should be left without support. They should receive appropriate, properly funded and compassionate services too. But one vulnerable person’s needs should not be met by overriding the boundaries and needs of another.
Haringey should therefore not move away from commissioning single-sex services simply because they are single-sex.
Where the law permits single-sex provision, the Council should commission it confidently, protect it and promote it — not merely as an exemption to be tolerated, but as a legitimate pathway to trauma recovery.
We have travelled a long way from women and girls standing guard outside hotel bathrooms to preserve one another’s dignity.
Please don’t allow us to drift backwards.
Cllr Tehseen Khan’s actions during the meeting hinted at a close alignment with trans activists. Following the session, where Emine presented a petition advocating for single-sex provision in the borough, the protesters became increasingly aggressive. Consequently, Emine required a security escort to exit the building safely.
The Dyke Project are deranged gender warriors. They formed in response to me and Kathleen Stock setting up the Lesbian Project.
Lies from Cllr Tehseen Khan. What a prize wazzock.
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“Don’t Let My Dad Out Of Prison”
Wednesday, August 19, 2026 • Duration 37:39
Linda, with her four children, celebrating the Millennium
Cat is the eldest of four children born to Linda and Glyn Razzell. “Mum had mental health problems, so the immediate assumption was that she had run away, and left the children. But we all knew he was violent”, she says. “He had been acquitted twice of attacking her… me, and then my brother and sister had witnessed it.”
In March 2002, just weeks before she disappeared, Razzell had been acquitted of the unlawful wounding of Linda. It was the second time he had been found not guilty of violence towards her.
Razzell was jailed for life in November 2003. He had claimed that Linda, from whom he was estranged, had disappeared, walking away and leaving their four children. A week earlier, the Family Court had frozen his bank account, because he was refusing to pay child maintenance.
The prosecution case was that his motivation was primarily financial; he wanted to access his money without having to go to court. On March 19th, 2002, Razzell borrowed a car from a friend, then drove across Swindon to abduct Linda from an alleyway on her route to work. He then murdered her and disposed of her body.
He was arrested eight days after her disappearance. There were significant inconsistencies in his story, and police accused him of disposing of evidence.
He applied twice for leave to appeal, in 2004 and 2005, but was refused both times. He then went to the Criminal Cases Review Commission, (CCRC), which also refused.
Never having shown remorse or admitted guilt, he was refused parole three years in a row. The first attempt was in 2021, when he became the first prisoner to be denied parole under Helen’s Law. This legal principle is named after Helen Court, a 22-year-old insurance clerk murdered in 1988 by Ian Simms. Like Linda, her body has never been found.
The Prisoners (Disclosure of Information about Victims) Act 2020 requires a parole board to weigh a convicted murderer’s refusal to the location of their remains.
In January this year, the parole board approved his release, claiming he was no longer a risk.
But four months after the Parole Board’s ruling, the High Court overturned the decision to release Razzell.
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Dr Dame Katy Denise: My exclusive interview with the feminist icon
Wednesday, August 5, 2026 • Duration 08:10
A rare audio interview with Dame Katy (transcript below) in which she bares ALL
We’re backstage at DKD’s one womxn show, in the Barnsley British Region for injured and infirm trans womxn veterans
Julie – it’s you! They said there was a lady wanting to see me.
(Shouts to security) I say Doreen - this ain’t no lady - its Julie! Tell her carer we’ll be 5 minutes max!
Dame Katy, I am beside myself with excitement, here I am in the venue, with a few of my lezzer friends, Talking about how brilliant it is the hour 1970s fashion choices now appear to be briefly trendy again, and I realise it’s you on the bill! I was told it was a Lynyrd Skynyrd tribute.
You were lucky to get past Doreen, Julie. I’ve just taken her on. She used to work for Chappell Roan but sadly she was a bit too heavy handed. I blame the parents, Doreen wasn’t to know that kiddie had brittle bone disease - a head lock never did me no harm!
I’d offer you a drink Julie but it looks like you’ve had enough! It’s so good to see you & always in that trusty cardi. What I’ve always said about you Julie is that you don’t give in to trends. Everyone’s jabbing away with the Ozempic and here’s you looking like you’ve spent a fortnight on an all inclusive in Benidorm. You’re not in the family way are you? I told you to steer clear of Pisshead Pat!
So I’m guessing you’re wanting another exclusive? Book sales flagging? I was sorry to hear about your last effort. The vicar said it was a book he couldn’t wait to put down! Oh by the way I saw your ex husband the other week, that James Dreyfus, he was outside Bargain Booze scratching around the bins trying to bum a fag. He said he’d do owt for £20 so I’ve got him coming to do the gutters next week.
Julie:
Thank you Dame Katy, can I just say how fabulous you look and what an amazing show! ‘Puppetry of the Shenis’. Who knew your meat and two veg could be so ambidextrous!
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WORLD EXCLUSIVE! DR DAME KATY DENISE SPEAKS OUT FOR THE FIRST TIME!
Tuesday, August 4, 2026 • Duration 13:31
Dame Katy Denise
I am sharing this post from last year, for those that may have missed it. Dame Katy is a national treasure, and deserved to be heard, loud and clear!
“A triumphant tale of transformation from a highly esteemed philanthropist, coworker, boss, and my personal hero”
Lambrini Lil, AKA JK Rowling (who has, to date, sold fewer books than Dame Katy)
Thank you to Joe Fattorini - he knows why!
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Look who sent me a birthday message! Bloody cheek!
Monday, July 20, 2026 • Duration 02:21
You can read the interview I did with Intel Lady, published in the Critic, November 2025 issue, below:
I am speaking to my favourite satirist, Jenny Stanton, on Zoom, and she is trying to turn off her backdrop. Otherwise known as Intel Lady, Stanton’s best known parody is of former deputy Prime Minister Angela Rayner, speaking to the nation from a bunker, filled with cans of lager, cigarette butts, and a framed photograph of smug, woke radio presenter James O’Brien.
I point out to Stanton that she has captured the perfect image of O’Brien looking an absolute plonker. “I don’t think he can look any other way, can he,” she replies, laughing. I got to know Stanton after messaging her on X to thank her for providing me with endless entertainment, and have followed her rise to internet fame ever since.
Stanton was born into a happy, hardworking family in Leeds in 1979. She started to become interested in acting in her final year of secondary school, having accepted that her first love, music, was not going to be the career for her. “I was obsessed with music, played the guitar, wanted to be a rock star, and then I discovered that I could act. I was a bit of a shit guitarist, and not that great a singer either. It turned out that I was a better actor than I was musician”.
Studying performing arts at college, she was advised to go to drama school. “But I thought, do I want to saddle myself with debt for the rest of my life?”
Taking what she calls “the scenic route”, she subscribed to The Stage and (between cleaning jobs) applied for as many auditions as possible. She was 19 when she secured her first ever paid acting role, as a street theatre performer at a major theme park.
“My favourite job was a cleaner at one of the big bank call centres in Harrogate. I loved that because I didn’t have to bloody talk to anybody,” she says. “I could just be in my own little world, running audition pieces through my head whilst hoovering carpets.”
In 2004, Stanton auditioned for a part she was desperate to get – a drama series about the building of the Titanic. “I’d never auditioned at TV studios before, it was an overwhelming experience,” she recalls.
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The first regretter to speak out publicly
Sunday, April 26, 2026 • Duration 01:06:36
“I was diagnosed in 45 minutes, I’ve already been taking hormones, and I was fast tracked into surgery which I paid for myself, all my own money, because I thought it was wrong to get it done on the NHS.” McLean was prescribed irreversible cross-sex hormones at the age of 26, and underwent full genital reconstruction surgery two years later in 1986.”
Listen to the recording of the book launch, at which I was in conversation with Claudia.
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"You're ugly, you're ugly, your parents don't love you!"
Thursday, April 23, 2026 • Duration 00:08
And here is our welcome party as we arrived at the event:
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Listen to my exclusive interview with the fabulous Dame Katy Denise!
Saturday, April 11, 2026 • Duration 00:36
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Dr Dame Katy Denise: My exclusive interview with the feminist icon
Tuesday, April 7, 2026 • Duration 08:10
A rare audio interview with Dame Katy (transcript below) in which she bares ALL
We’re backstage at DKD’s one womxn show, in the Barnsley British Region for injured and infirm trans womxn veterans
Julie – it’s you! They said there was a lady wanting to see me.
(Shouts to security) I say Doreen - this ain’t no lady - its Julie! Tell her carer we’ll be 5 minutes max!
Dame Katy, I am beside myself with excitement, here I am in the venue, with a few of my lezzer friends, Talking about how brilliant it is the hour 1970s fashion choices now appear to be briefly trendy again, and I realise it’s you on the bill! I was told it was a Lynyrd Skynyrd tribute.
You were lucky to get past Doreen, Julie. I’ve just taken her on. She used to work for Chappell Roan but sadly she was a bit too heavy handed. I blame the parents, Doreen wasn’t to know that kiddie had brittle bone disease - a head lock never did me no harm!
I’d offer you a drink Julie but it looks like you’ve had enough! It’s so good to see you & always in that trusty cardi. What I’ve always said about you Julie is that you don’t give in to trends. Everyone’s jabbing away with the Ozempic and here’s you looking like you’ve spent a fortnight on an all inclusive in Benidorm. You’re not in the family way are you? I told you to steer clear of Pisshead Pat!
So I’m guessing you’re wanting another exclusive? Book sales flagging? I was sorry to hear about your last effort. The vicar said it was a book he couldn’t wait to put down! Oh by the way I saw your ex husband the other week, that James Dreyfus, he was outside Bargain Booze scratching around the bins trying to bum a fag. He said he’d do owt for £20 so I’ve got him coming to do the gutters next week.
Julie:
Thank you Dame Katy, can I just say how fabulous you look and what an amazing show! ‘Puppetry of the Shenis’. Who knew your meat and two veg could be so ambidextrous!
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Julie Bindel's podcasts and writing , a podcast by Julie Bindel - Stats, Episodes and Rankings - My Podcast Data
Judge Mrs Justice Cheema-Grubb said she was “not persuaded that the risk has diminished to such a level that offender management is capable of keeping the public safe if the defendant is released”.
It was the first time that the High Court had overturned a Parole Board ruling after a referral from the Secretary of State for Justice.
Following the decision, Cat said her father was “actively choosing to be controlling and abusive from within prison”.
Listen to my interview with Cat, in which she speaks about her mother’s disappearance when Cat was just 14, and how not knowing where her mother’s body is has affected her and her siblings. Razzell has never admitted his crimes, and shows no remorse.
Its attracting rave reviews Julie! There was a queue around the block on press night. You couldn’t move for celebrities - I was literally beating off a well known boy band desperate to see a glimpse of my opening. It all started one night when I was watching Channel 4 and this lady, (sporting one of Cher’s old wigs and a cheap blouse), was playing the keyboard with her micro penis - the crowd were lapping it up! Well I thought to myself, I’ve got a least 5 inches on her and if that’s what passes for entertainment these days then sign me up!
Fast forward a few months and here we are! It’s a 2 part show Julie, first half I do impressions with my shenis - Donald Trump, Noel Edmonds, Bob Marley - my ‘No Woman No Cry’ leaves folk speechless. Then second half I do expressionist dance to the Greatest Hits of Eurovision - I saw your little eyes light up when I whipped off my skirt during ‘Making Your Mind Up’ and you got to see my ‘Ding A Dong’. There’s a lot of talk of me transferring to Broadway - mind you, its’ me whose doing all the talking!
Julie:
What about politics Dame Katy. You were strongly rumoured to be standing in the next election.
DKD:
Standing? Is that a cheap dig? Anyway, it’s just a rumour Julie. Granted, I am one of the most impotent voices in queer politics right now but I saw how them Brighton gays treated poor Eddie Izzard. Apparently they saw her as just a joke candidate with a pink beret and a pair of plastic tits. Can you imagine if I won? Working in the House of Parliament? I could end up having a heated three way with Nigel Farage & Zack Polanski (Again!). I haven’t got the time anyway Julie, I’m helping out an old friend whose fallen on bad times. You remember that ex P.A turned struggling author pal of mine?
Julie:
JK Rowling?
DKD:
She who must not be named! Yes, well she’s only been telling folk her little wizarding hustle is being turned into a TV series. You’ve got to laugh! It’ll be like ‘Eldorado’ all over again. She’s a complete fantasist! But I said I’d help her out with the scripts so I’ve added a new character into the mix to get the green haired they/them brigade back on side. It’s a new Hogwarts Teacher who takes the Gender Queer Studies classes. She’s trans, she’s a doctor, a Pride of Britain award winner and an ex model.
As the series progresses, she takes centre stage with her magical powers - she can literally turn men into women just by saying it! Can you believe that? I know it’s a bit far fetched - it makes Stranger Things look like a documentary, but I reckon it will be a big hit with the LGBTQOMDU2+ community who enjoy living in a world of make believe. Some say TV has got too woke and we shouldn’t keep on forcing this queer manifesto down people’s throats, but I’m not complaining!
Julie:
I don’t know where you find the time Dame Katy. Million selling books, charity endeavours, script writing, cabaret shows... is there no start to your talents?
DKD
I surprise myself Julie! And you won’t believe this - the Royal Mail’s been in touch wanting to commemorate me on a stamp! My head literally being licked by thousands! Then there’s I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here - but do I really want to be dropped into overgrown Australian bush? I bet you wouldn’t say no Julie! I’ll give it some thought; the money’s good but its them challenges that put me off - dark confined spaces, putting dodgy stuff in my mouth - I’m getting flashbacks to the toilets in Heaven 1997! Plus I wouldn’t want to risk them putting Boy George back on the show; his luxury item would be a radiator and I’d spend the next 3 week handcuffed to it like some trans Terry Waite!
Julie
Did you hear the news about your arch nemesis, Lynsay Watson?
DKD
Hear the news? I nearly laughed my bollocks off seeing her being bundled into the back of that Police van, Julie. Absolute state of it. I thought they were nicking Meatloaf at first! Worzel Gummidge’s hair was in better nick than that! I’ve seen some photo filters do some heavy lifting but that’s just taking the piss - proof positive that the camera does lie and you can polish a turd! To think she used to be a copper; I bet her helmet was always filthy! But I don’t hold a grudge Julie. Someone with skin that looks like the surface of Mars should be pitied really. Plus I’m not a vengeful woman (god strike down anyone one says I am), I’ve even bought a special chair for her, just needs a few hundred volts putting through it.
**knock at the door**
I don’t get a minute to myself. If that’s Fat Tony wanting to borrow 20 grand again they’ll be hell to pay. I’ve got to be up early as they’ve invited me back on Woman’s Hour to discuss the sticky subject of female sperm - apparently folk are resistant to talk about it as it always leaves a nasty taste in the mouth.
Watch how you go Julie, there’s a man in a beat up old Fiat 500 in the car park, I reckon he sleeps in it. Looks like the lovechild of Jimmy Saville with bad hair plugs, ranting and foaming at the mouth. Tells anyone that listens that he used to read the news on TV - I said ‘yeah, and I shagged Trevor McDonald!’.....
Doreen if you could see Julie out, AFTER she’s put my purse back!
An agonizing week later her agent called to tell her she had been offered the part. Prior to this, Stanton had been a touring theatre actor, “which means I was poor,” she laughs.
In true Titanic style, the shoot was an utter disaster. Filmed that summer, on location in Liverpool, it rained so heavily that some of the trailers floated away. The director decided to move to a studio. “But on that day, there was a heatwave,” she says, “and everyone was in their full-dress corsets and layers of clothing, sweating like mad.”
Months later, Stanton heard the terrible news that her scene had been cut, because it looked so unnatural. “I ended up as nothing more than an extra,” she says. “All I wanted was my name in the Radio Times, because that means you’ve made it. I was gutted.”
She stopped acting professionally when pregnant with her son, born in 2007. Five years later, she had a daughter. Both children were subsequently diagnosed with autism, and Stanton gave up acting to care for them.
However, the lure of performing eventually drew her back, and in 2021, during lockdown, she introduced Intel Lady to the world. “The name was inspired by the QAnon grifters (far-right conspiracy theorists) I was covering. They all had ‘insiders’ with ‘intel’. So I created a character who used to feed them complete claptrap. I would answer the phone with “MI5 paid asset helpline, how many I help you?”
Stanton soon tired of these people, “because they’re insane and they’re not going to change”. Looking around at what else was going on, she landed on the Johnny Depp - Amber Heard trial, so parodied that. “And then I started looking at politicians”.
Her first victims were American: former US Vice-President Kamala Harris and liberal commentator Rachel Maddow – but it wasn’t long before she set her sights on British politicians Nadine Dorries and Liz Truss. Then she looked to the opposite side of the bench, and Angela Rayner caught her eye. “I started covering her in 2022, and, when Labour were elected, realised she was going to play a prominent role in government. So I worked really hard to get her right”.
In 2024, Stanton released a video of her perfected parody. Set in a filthy hotel room in Ibiza littered with empty champagne bottles, it featured a swimsuit-clad Rayner, asking “Why is everyone getting upset, just because I was having a dance and enjoying myself?”
It was a colleague, Rik, who came up with the idea of moving Rayner into Lord Ali’s apartment, with the backdrop exactly as it had been when Starmer once did a speech from there. The idea was a keeper. “She would always allude to it as her ‘mate’s apartment’. “All declared, all above board.”
Stanton explains how the infamous backdrop came about: “One day a crumpled-up can of Tennents [Lager] appeared behind me, slightly hidden by one of the framed photographs of James O ‘Brien. And then the next time, a full ashtray appeared and then, a clothes horse with knickers on it and bras hanging off it.”
She says that some comedians think the only things it is acceptable to laugh at are Trump, Farage or Brexit, but that she doesn’t have a political agenda. “Anyone is fair game,” she says. “I find humour in pretty much everything, even the most horrifying situations. I think it’s quite a British thing.”
In her recent Big Brother parody, one contestant gets called into the Diary Room for the crimes of misgendering, homophobia, and disability discrimination.
Another character is Carol, a Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) trainer for the NHS, who Stanton loves to play. “The jokes are ridiculous… because it’s their world. It’s their language. It’s crazy to regular people.”
People keep asking Stanton how she writes. She says, “It’s all ad-libbed. I go into character, I press record, you’re in character. It usually takes me between five and sometimes 15 attempts to get it right – or the doorbell rings”.
She first became aware of her own rising popularity when Tracy-Anne Oberman started following her. Stanton was shocked, “I was checking that it was her real account”. But then a private message came, saying, “I love your No Brainer with Angela Rayner, it’s bloody genius. Keep doing it”.
Not long after that, she saw that “somebody called JK Rowling” had followed her on X. “I thought, let’s see, they’ve got two followers or something, and I clicked on it, and I had to sit down because it actually is JK Rowling, she’s actually following me!”
When Comedy Unleashed asked her to do Rayner in a tiny Westminster pub called The Speaker, Stanton knew it would be a dream come true for her to perform there, and panicked. But then there she was, “stood on a crate on top of beer barrels”, wearing a hard hat, hi-vis, a really ugly pink dress and “the worst shoes you’ve ever seen” before an audience of bewildered journalists and politicians who had no idea who she was. Stanton describes that evening as the weirdest, weirdest night, but her Rayner triumphed: “I don’t know why everyone’s getting upset. It’s not even a banter ban. I don’t know why you’re calling it a banter ban because it isn’t that. It’s about respecting people’s boundaries and not saying offensive stuff, that’s all.”
Stanton says she’s “very fond” of Marjorie and Gerald from Just Stop Oil. “I think it’s hard not to love her because she’s just ludicrous. And it’s that cantankerous old lady vibe that people just are too frightened to argue with. And Gerald has become such a creep. He started out with a slight bladder weakness and now he’s turned into a piss fetishist.”
The minute Just Stop Oil popped up on the news, Stanton knew she had to cover them. “The activists are the most bonkers,” she says, and found it hilarious when she got a “barrage of abuse” from people unaware it was satire. “They told me they hoped I’d get run over and stuff. And I would just come back to them in character because it was just too good not to. I could spend hours a day just responding to them and laughing my socks off”.
I ask about plans to develop new characters. “There’s always room for more. I try and just keep my eye on what’s going on in the news and the celebrity world. And if something catches my eye and I think they are worth the parody, then I will parody them,” she says. “If you’re in power, I’m going to cover you, especially if you’re ridiculous, even better.”
Does she have plans for Reform and Farage? “Oh yes! When Reform get in, and I think it is more of a when, than [an] if, I will be keeping a very close eye on the ladies in the party.”
With the world as crazy as it is right now, with Green Party activists shouting ‘Queers for Palestine’ at its annual conference, and Emma Watson doing a reverse ferret on JK Rowling, Stanton will not be running out of material any time soon.
I have one last question for her. How did she feel when she heard that Angela Rayner, one of her most famous caricatures, had resigned? “I was gutted, as I love playing her. But she will definitely be back! I have a theory that she’ll do ‘I’m a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here’, in which case, I will be all over it.” So will I.
Its attracting rave reviews Julie! There was a queue around the block on press night. You couldn’t move for celebrities - I was literally beating off a well known boy band desperate to see a glimpse of my opening. It all started one night when I was watching Channel 4 and this lady, (sporting one of Cher’s old wigs and a cheap blouse), was playing the keyboard with her micro penis - the crowd were lapping it up! Well I thought to myself, I’ve got a least 5 inches on her and if that’s what passes for entertainment these days then sign me up!
Fast forward a few months and here we are! It’s a 2 part show Julie, first half I do impressions with my shenis - Donald Trump, Noel Edmonds, Bob Marley - my ‘No Woman No Cry’ leaves folk speechless. Then second half I do expressionist dance to the Greatest Hits of Eurovision - I saw your little eyes light up when I whipped off my skirt during ‘Making Your Mind Up’ and you got to see my ‘Ding A Dong’. There’s a lot of talk of me transferring to Broadway - mind you, its’ me whose doing all the talking!
Julie:
What about politics Dame Katy. You were strongly rumoured to be standing in the next election.
DKD:
Standing? Is that a cheap dig? Anyway, it’s just a rumour Julie. Granted, I am one of the most impotent voices in queer politics right now but I saw how them Brighton gays treated poor Eddie Izzard. Apparently they saw her as just a joke candidate with a pink beret and a pair of plastic tits. Can you imagine if I won? Working in the House of Parliament? I could end up having a heated three way with Nigel Farage & Zack Polanski (Again!). I haven’t got the time anyway Julie, I’m helping out an old friend whose fallen on bad times. You remember that ex P.A turned struggling author pal of mine?
Julie:
JK Rowling?
DKD:
She who must not be named! Yes, well she’s only been telling folk her little wizarding hustle is being turned into a TV series. You’ve got to laugh! It’ll be like ‘Eldorado’ all over again. She’s a complete fantasist! But I said I’d help her out with the scripts so I’ve added a new character into the mix to get the green haired they/them brigade back on side. It’s a new Hogwarts Teacher who takes the Gender Queer Studies classes. She’s trans, she’s a doctor, a Pride of Britain award winner and an ex model.
As the series progresses, she takes centre stage with her magical powers - she can literally turn men into women just by saying it! Can you believe that? I know it’s a bit far fetched - it makes Stranger Things look like a documentary, but I reckon it will be a big hit with the LGBTQOMDU2+ community who enjoy living in a world of make believe. Some say TV has got too woke and we shouldn’t keep on forcing this queer manifesto down people’s throats, but I’m not complaining!
Julie:
I don’t know where you find the time Dame Katy. Million selling books, charity endeavours, script writing, cabaret shows... is there no start to your talents?
DKD
I surprise myself Julie! And you won’t believe this - the Royal Mail’s been in touch wanting to commemorate me on a stamp! My head literally being licked by thousands! Then there’s I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here - but do I really want to be dropped into overgrown Australian bush? I bet you wouldn’t say no Julie! I’ll give it some thought; the money’s good but its them challenges that put me off - dark confined spaces, putting dodgy stuff in my mouth - I’m getting flashbacks to the toilets in Heaven 1997! Plus I wouldn’t want to risk them putting Boy George back on the show; his luxury item would be a radiator and I’d spend the next 3 week handcuffed to it like some trans Terry Waite!
Julie
Did you hear the news about your arch nemesis, Lynsay Watson?
DKD
Hear the news? I nearly laughed my bollocks off seeing her being bundled into the back of that Police van, Julie. Absolute state of it. I thought they were nicking Meatloaf at first! Worzel Gummidge’s hair was in better nick than that! I’ve seen some photo filters do some heavy lifting but that’s just taking the piss - proof positive that the camera does lie and you can polish a turd! To think she used to be a copper; I bet her helmet was always filthy! But I don’t hold a grudge Julie. Someone with skin that looks like the surface of Mars should be pitied really. Plus I’m not a vengeful woman (god strike down anyone one says I am), I’ve even bought a special chair for her, just needs a few hundred volts putting through it.
**knock at the door**
I don’t get a minute to myself. If that’s Fat Tony wanting to borrow 20 grand again they’ll be hell to pay. I’ve got to be up early as they’ve invited me back on Woman’s Hour to discuss the sticky subject of female sperm - apparently folk are resistant to talk about it as it always leaves a nasty taste in the mouth.
Watch how you go Julie, there’s a man in a beat up old Fiat 500 in the car park, I reckon he sleeps in it. Looks like the lovechild of Jimmy Saville with bad hair plugs, ranting and foaming at the mouth. Tells anyone that listens that he used to read the news on TV - I said ‘yeah, and I shagged Trevor McDonald!’.....
Doreen if you could see Julie out, AFTER she’s put my purse back!
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