The mission of this podcast is the formation of your heart in love and for love, Together, we shore up the natural, human foundation for your spiritual formation as a Catholic. St. Thomas Aquinas asserts that without this inner unity, without this interior integration, without ordered self-love, you cannot enter loving union with God, your Blessed Mother, or your neighbor. Informed by Internal Family Systems approaches and grounded firmly in a Catholic understanding of the human person, this podcast brings you the best information, the illuminating stories, and the experiential exercises you need to become more whole in the natural realm. This restored human formation then frees you to better live out the three loves in the two Great Commandments – loving God, your neighbor, and yourself. Check out the Resilient Catholics Community which grew up around this podcast at https://www.soulsandhearts.com/rcc.
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Who are you, deep inside, at the core of your being? Who lives in the inmost chamber of your personhood? Join us on an adventure to discover your core identity. Catholic experts Dr. Gerry Crete and Dr. Peter Martin find the convergences and synergies in Scripture, the early Church Fathers, the Eastern and Western Catholic monastic traditions, Doctors of the Church, the medieval Catholic theologians, the writings of contemplative saints, and the magisterial teachings of the Church -- supplemented by attachment theory, Internal Family Systems and other parts and systems approaches in the modern era – all in the service of answering the question – “Who is my inmost self?” What do the words inmost self, heart, soul, “nous,” and the “eyes of the soul” mean from a Catholic perspective? We bring together the best of the old and new, the spiritual and the secular, to help you know who you are at your core, all grounded in an authentically Catholic understanding of your human person. With an experiential exercise from Dr. Gerry, too. For the full experience with visuals, slides, B-roll, conversation and discussion in the comments section and so much more, check us out on our YouTube channel here: www.youtube.com/@InteriorIntegration4Catholics
157 Overview of Internal Family Systems -- Catholic Style
Episode 157
Monday, January 6, 2025 • Duration 01:29:39
We offer you a new and better way of understanding yourself and others – Internal Family Systems (IFS). But what is IFS? What are “parts”? Who are our internal managers, firefighters, and exiles? Who is your innermost self and what are his or her eight primary characteristics? What are burdens and what are the extreme roles parts take on after trauma, attachment injuries, or relational wounds? What is “blending”? Join IFS therapists Marion Moreland, David Edwards, and me, Dr. Peter, for this overview of IFS as we begin our 2025 deep dive into IFS, grounded in a Catholic understanding of the human person – not just with information for our heads, but also with an experiential exercise for our hearts. For the full experience with visuals, slides, B-roll, conversation and discussion in the comments section and so much more, check us out on our YouTube channel here: www.youtube.com/@InteriorIntegration4Catholics
148 The Integration of Personal Formation at Franciscan University
Episode 148
Monday, September 9, 2024 • Duration 36:58
Fr. Dave Pivonka TOR, president of Franciscan University joins us to discuss the integration of personal formation for college students. We address the danger of over-spiritualizing – spiritual bypassing – and how many of the struggles in the Church in the last 50 years are due to human formation deficits. Fr. Pivonka shares his insights about how transformation first happens interiorly, inside oneself – and then radiates outward to change the world. We discuss the difficulties that college students frequently face, the importance of community, concerns about pietism, and embracing our true identity. College students and their parents will not want to miss this episode.
58 The Catholic Marriage Bed
Episode 58
Monday, March 8, 2021 • Duration 39:46
Intro: Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics
Interior Integration for Catholics brings to you in each episode the best psychological information essential for your human formation, knowledge that is fundamental in shoring up the natural foundation for your Catholic spiritual life.
Often said that if you want to start an argument, bring up sex, politics or religion. Those are the tried and true, sure-fire ways to stoke disagreement among people.
This podcast helps you focus inward on your interior integration -- to help you bring together the different parts of yourself into unity and harmony with God -- so we're going to leave the politics and social justice questions and societal reform efforts and climate change and all those big-picture, macro-level, externally-focused topics out of our conversation, so that leaves us with sex and religion. And we're going to take on both of them together because
In this podcast, we confront the tough internal questions we Catholics have in our day-to-day lives, we confront head-on our struggles in the natural realm, the psychological difficulties that keep us from fully loving our Lord and our Lady in a deep, personal, intimate way and living out our vocations, including our vocation to Catholic marriage which necessarily brings in both sexuality and religion.
And we're dealing with sexuality and religion in this episode for two primary reasons: first to free you to love God our Father, Jesus our Brother, the Holy Spirit and Our Mother Mary more and more over time and
Second, to love you neighbor as yourself -- And who is your neighbor? If you are married, your first neighbor, your closest neighbor, the neighbor toward whom you have the most responsibilities is your spouse. Because of your marriage vows.
I, Roger, take you, Sarah, to be my wife. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.
I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide.
This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighbor
57 The One Main Psychological Reason Why Catholic Marriages Fail
Episode 57
Monday, March 1, 2021 • Duration 39:49
The One Main Psychological Reason Why Catholic Marriages Fail
Intro: Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics
Interior Integration for Catholics brings to you in each episode the best psychological information essential for your human formation, knowledge that is fundamental in shoring up the natural foundation for your Catholic spiritual life.
In this podcast, we confront the tough questions we Catholics have in our day-to-day lives, we confront head on our struggles in the natural realm, the psychological difficulties that keep us from fully loving our Lord and our Lady in a deep, personal, intimate way and living out our vocations.
And we deal with these difficult, demanding issues for one primary reason: to free you to love God our Father, Jesus our Brother, the Holy Spirit and Our Mother Mary more and more over time.
This podcast helps you focus inward on your interior integration -- to help you bring together the different parts of yourself into unity and harmony with God.
Together, we are on a journey toward deep transformation, a radical conversion at the core of our being so that our souls can one day enter into contemplative union with God.
I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide.
This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighbor
This is episode 57, released on March 1, 2021
This is the ninth episode in our series on sexuality and in this episode, we are turning our attention to Catholic marriages -- such an important, essential topic for our day and age, Catholic marriages
And we are going to start with the real, deeper, often hidden reasons why Catholic marriages fall apart
So this episode is titled The One Main Psychological Reason Why Catholic Marriages Fail
Get ready for the deep dive into new ways of thinking about Catholic marriages, from an informed psychological perspective.
Focusing on the psychological aspects here -- not the spiritual ones.
56 What is Essential for Catholics to Recover from Porn?
Episode 56
Monday, February 22, 2021 • Duration 44:45
Intro: Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics
Interior Integration for Catholics brings to you in each episode the best psychological information essential for your human formation, knowledge that is fundamental in shoring up the natural foundation for your Catholic spiritual life.
In this podcast, we confront the tough questions we Catholics have in our day-to-day lives, we confront head on our struggles in the natural realm, the psychological difficulties that keep us from fully loving our Lord and our Lady in a deep, personal, intimate way.
And we deal with these difficult, demanding issues for one primary reason: to free you to love God our Father, Jesus our Brother, the Holy Spirit and Our Mother Mary more and more over time.
This podcast helps you focus inward on your interior integration -- to help you bring together the different parts of yourself into unity and harmony with God.
'Together, we are on a journey toward deep transformation in our mindsets, our heartsets and our bodysets, a radical transformation at the core of our being so that our souls can one day enter into contemplative union with God.
I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide.
This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighbor
This is episode 56, released on February 22, 2021
This is the eighth episode in our series on sexuality and the second one on Pornography.
And it is titled: What is Essential for Catholics to Recover from Porn?
And I am really happy to have Dr. Gerry Crete, past president of the Catholic Psychological Association and the CEO and co-founder of Souls and Hearts with me for this episode
Recognize that the fantasy involved in the pornography choices represent a dynamic that seeks to meet the unmet need
Safety
Attachment injuries
55 Why Catholics Use Pornography
Episode 55
Monday, February 15, 2021 • Duration 46:08
Intro: Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics
Interior Integration for Catholics brings to you in each episode the best psychological information essential for your human formation, knowledge that is fundamental in shoring up the natural foundation for your Catholic spiritual life.
In this podcast, we confront the tough questions we Catholics have in our day-to-day lives, we confront head on our struggles in the natural realm, the psychological difficulties that keep us from fully loving our Lord and our Lady in a deep, personal, intimate way.
And we deal with these difficult, demanding issues for one primary reason: to free you to love God our Father, Jesus our Brother, the Holy Spirit and Our Mother Mary more and more over time.
This podcast helps you focus inward on your interior integration -- to help you bring together the different parts of yourself into unity and harmony with God.
'Together, we are on a journey toward deep transformation in our mindsets, our heartsets and our bodysets, a radical transformation at the core of our being so that our souls can one day enter into contemplative union with God.
I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide.
This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighbor
This is episode 55, released on February 15, 2021
This is the seventh episode in our series on sexuality and the fourth one on masturbation.
And it is titled: Why Catholics Use Pornography
Practical steps you can take to overcome a pornography problem. These are good but only go so far:
Device management
Accountability
Support Group
Therapy
Inner Work: Here we get to the root of the problem and find lasting solutions
54 Masturbation Recovery Stories
Episode 54
Monday, February 8, 2021 • Duration 51:36
Intro: Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics
Interior Integration for Catholics brings to you in each episode the best psychological information essential for your human formation, knowledge that is fundamental in shoring up the natural foundation for your Catholic spiritual life.
In this podcast, we confront the tough questions we Catholics have in our day-to-day lives, we confront head on our struggles in the natural realm, the psychological difficulties that keep us from fully loving our Lord and our Lady in a deep, personal, intimate way.
And we deal with these difficult, demanding issues for one primary reason: to free you to love God our Father, Jesus our Brother, the Holy Spirit and Our Mother Mary more and more over time.
This podcast helps you focus inward on your interior integration -- to help you bring together the different parts of yourself into unity and harmony with God.
'Together, we are on a journey toward deep transformation in our mindsets, our heartsets and our bodysets, a radical transformation at the core of our being so that our souls can one day enter into contemplative union with God.
I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide.
This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighbor
This is episode 54, released on February 8, 2021
This is the sixth episode in our series on sexuality and the fourth one on masturbation.
And it is titled: Masturbation Recovery Stories
We're following up on our last three episodes, number 51, 52 and 53, which have all been about masturbation, the Top 10 reasons why Catholic men masturbate, the 10 common mistakes they make as they try to recover from masturbation and live chaste lives, and the 20 remedies for those 10 common mistakes.
we're getting into answers for Catholics who experience masturbation as a dead-end, as a failed promise, as an inadequate answer for their deeper needs and desires.
So today, we're pulling all the conceptual information together and we are going to do three things.
First, We will briefly review the 10 common mistakes and the 20 remedies for those mistakes
53 Breaking Free from Masturbation, Part 2
Episode 53
Monday, February 1, 2021 • Duration 45:46
Intro: Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics -- the podcast formerly known as Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem!
Interior Integration for Catholics brings to you in each episode the best psychological information essential for your human formation, knowledge that is fundamental in shoring up the natural foundation for your Catholic spiritual life.
In this podcast, we confront the tough questions we Catholics have in our day-to-day lives, we confront head on our struggles in the natural realm, the psychological difficulties that keep us from fully loving our Lord and our Lady in a deep, personal, intimate way.
And we deal with these difficult, demanding issues for one primary reason: to free you to love God our Father, Jesus our Brother, the Holy Spirit and Our Mother Mary more and more over time.
This podcast helps you focus inward on your interior integration -- to help you bring together the different parts of yourself into unity and harmony with God.
'Together, we are on a journey toward deep transformation in our mindsets, our heartsets and our bodysets, a radical transformation at the core of our being so that our souls can one day enter into contemplative union with God.
I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide.
This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighbor
This is episode 53, released on February 1, 2021
This is the fifth episode in our series on sexuality and the third one on masturbation.
And it is titled: Breaking Free from Masturbation, Part 2
We're following up on our last episode, episode 52 -- Breaking free from masturbation Part 1. Part 2 is following Part 1.
So today, we're continuing with finding answers for Catholics who deeply desire to have their sexuality ordered toward relationship, toward God, and toward their spouses or future spouses in a way that is life-giving.
we're getting into answers for Catholics who experience masturbation as a dead-end, as a failed promise, as an inadequate answer for their deeper needs and desires.
52 Breaking Free from Masturbation, Part 1
Episode 52
Monday, January 25, 2021 • Duration 46:03
Intro: Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics -- the podcast formerly known as Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem!
Interior Integration for Catholics brings to you each week the best psychological information essential for your human formation, knowledge that is fundamental in shoring up the natural foundation for your Catholic spiritual life.
In this podcast, we ask and answer the tough questions about the real problems we Catholics have in our day-to-day lives, our struggles in the natural realm, the psychological difficulties that keep us from fully loving our Lord and our Lady in a deep, personal, intimate way.
And we deal with these tough issues for one primary reason: to free you to love God our Father, Jesus our Brother, the Holy Spirit and Our Mother Mary more and more over time.
This podcast helps you focus inward on your interior integration -- to help you bring together the different parts of yourself into unity and harmony with God's truth, goodness and beauty
Together, we are looking for a deep transformation in our mindsets, our heartsets and our bodysets, a radical transformation at the core of our being so that our souls unite with God and we can rise to the challenges and opportunities He provides us.
I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide.
This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighbor
This is episode 52, released on January 25, 2021
This is the fourth episode in our series on sexuality and the second one on masturbation.
And it is titled: Breaking Free from Masturbation -- A Roadmap
We're following up on our last episode, episode 51 -- The Top 10 Reasons Why Catholic Men Masturbate.
In that episode, we covered the underlying psychological issues that fuel impulses to masturbate.
But it's not enough to just understand the issues more clearly
We need guidance on how to live differently, how to work with the entirety of ourselves -- all of our parts, all of our modes of operating -- in the area of sexuality.
This is episode 58, released on March 8, 2021
This is the tenth episode in our series on sexuality the second in our subseries on Catholic marriages
Way back in episode 50, the second one in this series on sexuality, we explored what a healthy, ordered, fully Catholic sexuality looks like.
Now we are zeroing in on sexuality within Catholic marriages and we're going diagnose some extremely common relational problems between Catholic spouses that get expressed through how they relate sexually.
So this episode is titled The Catholic Marriage Bed. The Catholic Marriage Bed.
So get ready, prepare yourself for light bulbs to switch on and shine brightly as we explore new and much clearer ways of thinking about sexual life in Catholic marriages, grounded in the perennial teachings of the Catholic Church and informed by the best of psychology.
I'm doing this subseries on sexuality within Catholic marriage because I want you to have ways out of the sexual traps that so many Catholic married couple find themselves in, the negative cycles, the problematic repeating patterns that are so frustrating, that cause so much conflict and that harm people, even Catholic spouses who want to do the right thing.
And even if you're not trapped, your marriage is sound, love is growing -- there is going to be so much in these episodes to deepen the understanding, the awareness, the empathy, the commitment, and the love.
So we are discussing the marriage bed. I'm using the image of a canopy bed to illustrate all the psychological and relational aspects in the natural realm that go into a vibrant, life-giving Catholic married sexuality. We're going to be painting a word picture, a conceptual diagram of a canopy bed, with all the pieces of that bed named, labels and defined, and show how all the parts of the bed are essential to a grounded, peaceful, harmonious shared sexual life in Catholic marriage.
But first let's review the Lay of the Land, the Current Situation
We are going to start with a broad overview here. Key Words: Confusion. Lot of confusion about sexuality in our culture today
Wider array of generally socially accepted sexual practices in our land than has ever existed before.
Internet has provided a forum to bring together people who practice all kinds of
Greater amount of disagreement about what healthy sexual life looks like
Moving away from natural law
Things that were obvious even 20 years ago, even 10 years are not being questioned
Can a man become a woman? -- now an open question being debated in our society
Can two men and a woman all be in the same marriage? Can a woman marry a dolphin? In 2006, British millionaire Sharon Tendler married a dolphin named Cinderella, at the Eilat Reef.
Lot of Confusion about what a healthy, ordered Catholic Sexuality should look like -- reviewed this in episode 50
Opinions: Survey data -- wide variety of opinions on sexual morality
Pew 2014 Survey of more than 7200 Catholics, 57% Favor or Strongly Favor Same-sex Marriages
Pew 2016 survey of 817 Catholics only 8% of Catholics believe using contraception is morally wrong. 41% believe its morally acceptable and 48% believe it's not a moral issue.
Pew 2019 Survey of 675 adult Catholics -- 62% of Catholic said that casual sex between consenting adults who are not in a committed relationship is always or sometimes acceptable. Only 22% of Catholics said consensual casual sex never acceptable.
Wide Diversity of Sexual practices among Catholics
Hard to find solid, recent data on this. Talking to people you find out things.
What about oral sex, role-play sex, mutual masturbation, viewing pornography together, using sex toys together, and going beyond into anal sex, fetishes of various kinds, bondage and the list goes on and on.
Global sex toy market -- $34 billion $4.50 for every man woman and child. Tens of billions, estimates ranging up to $100 billion per year for porn.
But much more personally, for many Catholic spouses their sexual experiences in marriage are a great source of distress, pain, confusion
Internal conflicts about what is morally right and wrong
Disagreements about sexual practices between Catholic spouses -- limited conflict resolutions'
Inability for Catholic spouses to communicate about intimate sexual matters
Feeling devalued in the sexual aspects of the marital relationship
Feeling used sexually, exploited, neglected.
High levels of dissatisfaction in the sexual relationship and intimacy more generally
Not feeling seen, known, heard, understood, accepted as ...
Not qualified to judge souls, make statements about their virtues or vices
Not criticizing or condemning, but rather focusing on understanding with gentleness and compassion
You catch more flies with honey than vinegar
Focus on the natural level.
What about you, Dr. Peter -- what do you know about marriage? Fair question. 25th year of marriage, one marriage, 7 children.
Windup: The Current State of Catholic Marriages
Definitions
What is Catholic Marriage
Catholic Dictionary:
As a natural institution, the lasting union of a man and a woman who agree to give and receive rights over each other for the performance of the act of generation and for the fostering of their mutual love.
The state of marriage implies four chief conditions: 1. there must be a union of opposite sexes; it is therefore opposed to all forms of unnatural, homosexual behavior; 2. it is a permanent union until the death of either spouse; 3. it is an exclusive union, so that extramarital acts are a violation of justice; and 4. its permanence and exclusiveness are guaranteed by contract; mere living together, without mutually binding themselves to do so, is concubinage and not marriage.
Christ elevated marriage to a sacrament of the New Law. Christian spouses signify and partake of the mystery of that unity and fruitful love which exists between Christ and his Church, helping each other attain to holiness in their married life and in the rearing and education of their children.
Emphasis on the Sacramental Aspect -- discussing sacramental marriages here.
Covenant, goes far beyond a Contract - no fault divorce, temporary contract.
What is fail?
Broad Definition:
To prove deficient or lacking
to perform ineffectively or inadequately
to fall short of success or achievement in something expected, attempted, desired, or approved
to leave something undone
One way that we could consider a marriage to fail is by divorce
Stats
2014 Pew Research Survey of 885 Catholics 19% of those Catholic adults 18 years old were divorced or separated
Consistent with Georgetown's Center for Applied Research in the Apostolate
About 20% or one in five Catholic adults have experienced divorce in their lifetimes
About 36% of Americans who marry divorce at some point.
28% of Catholics who marry ever divorce -- lower than the general average
Old canard that half of all Catholic marriage end in divorce -- not true. More like a quarter.
Still that's a lot -- 28%.
And I don't think success in marriage is defined by not getting divorced
Not getting divorced by itself is not sufficient to call a marriage successful.
Abusive marriages held together by
Distant Roommates -- coolness, tolerating each other's existence
Contrast with a life-giving marriage
Ways marriages fail
Unilateral -- one spouse abandons the other
Mutual -- each spouse abandons the other
Distancing -- roommate model -- could be cordial or not
God's view of marriage
Marriage as a covenant, not a contract
CCC 1603 God himself is the author of marriage. The vocation to marriage is written in the very nature of man and woman as they came from the hand of the Creator.
Wedding at Cana -- Beginning of Jesus public life
Life of Mary as Seen by the Mystics -- Jesus playing
Hurdle
Marriage is Tough
Reasons
No one can hurt us, disappoint us, or get under our skin quite like a spouse.
Hard to anticipate the difficulties. The crosses.
Marriage Difficulties affect us all
Even if we aren't married
Considering our parents' marriage
Friends' marriages
Marriage as bedrock of society -- USCCB
Aristotle wrote that the family is nature’s established association for the supply of mankind’s everyday wants.
USCCB: Marriage is the bedrock of society.
Marriages benefit society by building and strengthening human relationships within the home
(among spouses and children) and beyond (involving relatives, neighbors, and communities). For
this reason, the family has long been understood as the fundamental unit of society, the
foundation f...
Being seen
Seeing others
Connection
Sense of “power” or agency
Traumatic re-enactment
The fantasy may provide a temporary answer to those needs while avoiding the pain
Allow him to experience having his needs met in a healthy way
What new information can you share with him
What new role or position can the protector have now
Recognize the courage it takes for the protector to seek a new role and embrace change
Allow time to grieve the losses that pornography use has brought
Recognize negative effects of pornography or other sexual acting out behavior in one’s life
Prepare to make reparations
Wife/Family
Self
Others
God
Invite protector to grow and embrace freedom – recognize there will be a period of growth – it will need time and patience. Commit to being by his side
What does it mean for the parts to be “in recovery”
The self is present – better connections with others
Completing tasks with a sense of completion rather than trying to escape pain (life)
Ability to set goals and focus on them rather than obsession with momentary perceived needs
Willingness to receive feedback
Ability to recognize time rather than entering into a blackhole of time
Finds meaning in activities and relationships
Recognize that the pornography use has a negative effect on one’s life
Marriage and family
Career
Downtime
Relationships
Spiritual life
Awareness that something must be done and that one needs to commit to change
What part of me doesn’t want to change? It’s a “protector”
Recognize that the part of you turning to pornography is a protector
The protector doesn’t want the system to feel pain
At some point the protector learned that pornography is an escape from pain
The protector also learned that pornography can meet unmet needs
Identify the positive intention of the “pornography” protector
Identify what this protector really believes about why pornography is the only answer
See this protector (unblend) and recognize his misguided but sincere intention
If the protector is protecting an exile (the pain) then promise to attend to the exile
Allow him to share with you his real unmet needs
Recognize that the fantasy involved in the pornography choices represent a dynamic that seeks to meet the unmet need
Safety
Attachment injuries
Being seen
Seeing others
Connection
Sense of “power” or agency
Traumatic re-enactment
Second, will discuss how to make an individualized recovery plan for masturbation
Third, we will pull all the information together into the stories of Richard and Luis, who we introduced in episode 51 -- we will review their histories, look at the mistakes they made is trying to free themselves from masturbation, discuss how they made their individualized plans for recovery, and how they broke free from masturbation.
Review:
10 Common Mistakes that Catholics make in breaking free from masturbation:
Considering masturbation as the primary problem. -- Gotta go deeper
Pursuing compartmentalization or fragmentation instead of interior integration
Going it alone
Using only the spiritual means
Having a Power spirituality or a macho spirituality
Passive Spirituality
The why for the change
Shaming the self for failures
The All or Nothing Trap
Failing to see the struggle with masturbation as a gift
20 Remedies for those mistakes
Commit to finding the real reason, with God's help.
Bring God or Mary or a saint or your angel into the search for the underlying causes
Committing to interior integration: Interior acceptance of all parts, all desires, all impulses, all thoughts, all memories as real -- as part of reality.
Find a confidant with whom you can check in daily. Daily. Not just regularly. Daily
Get to confession and address the spiritual dimensions. Talk about it. Spiritual Director, Confessor
Working toward Intimate relationship with God
Time with Friends -- being deliberate out it.
Therapists -- especially Catholic IFS-informed therapist
Sexaholics Anonymous or other groups
Online groups -- like the Resilient Catholic Community
Embracing the parts that carry our powerlessness, smallness, neediness -- we need those things, they are essential for us to be small enough to approach God. Those parts are precious
Focus on Humility. Litany of humility. Litany of Trust
Entering into relationship with God as a little child. Let the little children come to me. St. Therese of Lisieux.
Serenity Prayer: Pray it every day. And listen.
Commit to doing what you can, even it seems like very little. Remembering that as little children we can offer very little.
Exploring and discussing our motives with our trusted person. Ask that person how he or she sees our motives.
Bringing those motives to prayer. Lord that I may see. Prayer of blind Bartimeus. Domine ut vidiam.
really working with our internal critic. Understanding the reasons for the shaming, the good that the critic seeks in that -- and helping that critic integrate with the rest of your system, under the leadership of your core self.
Perseverance. It's normal to fall. We are fallen human beings in a fallen world. We need to get up. Every time.
Seeking for how the struggle with masturbation is a gift.
Making a Plan
All the above can be overwhelming-- Do I have to do it all?
First Overarching principle -- Work your plan out with someone else, someone you trust, someone that you sense is competent to help you.
This is vitally important, so you are not repeating mistake number 3, which is going it alone.
Talk it out with that person at length. The whys and wherefores of each component of the plan.
Second Overarching principle Write out your plan. It all becomes so much when you write it out.
Third Overarching principle -- take what is helpful for you in your plan and discard what is not. Be flexible in your plan over time.
Fourth overarching principle -- build up your plan. It make take time, build it up over time.
General trend over time -- general trajectory
Week by week -- once you consolidate a part of your plan, add another part
Fifth overarching principle -- adherence to the plan is your target. Stay with the plan. Much more certain than just having periods of abstinence from masturbation
Review of Parts
IFS by Richard Schwartz
IF...
We address 6 more mistakes that Catholics make in their attempts to overcome masturbation
And we will get into 10 more remedies for those additional six mistakes, and the last remedy is the most important one -- so important that I think of it as the secret solution, the one so few people who struggle with masturbation really consider, so we're saving the best for last there.
Not just about masturbation -- you can take out masturbation and substitute in any other sexual problem -- fetishes, porn, sexting, sexual obsessions, sexual compulsions, excessive sexual fantasies, whatever
People are also finding that these episodes are helpful for getting to the root any symptomatic behavior -- binge eating, excessive shopping or video games, too much vegging out on Netflix, and so on.
Just to review, in the last episode, I promised you a map, not a ride in a limousine or on a flying carpet to your destination. It's a map, not an individualized treatment plan. This is not therapy. It's not magic. You still have to make your own journey. But this map lays out the terrain and the compass will provide direction for you on that journey.
Some of you have been suffering for a long time. I get that. God sees your efforts, he sees your good intentions.
Focus of this podcast is on interior integration -- overarching goal in the natural realm. Not talking about spiritual goals here, we are talking about the natural realm.
So we need a way of understanding and modeling interior integration and also its nemesis -- interior fragmentation.
I borrow heavily from Internal Family Systems approach, aka IFS approach, originated by Richard Schwartz.
I reviewed it in the last episode, number 52.
Parts are like personalities within us. Imagine a kid who is considering taking a cookie from the cookie jar. One part of him wants to have the cookie and another part wants him to be good and not have to struggle with a guilty conscience, and another part doesn't want to face Mom's anger if he gets caught.
Mistakes
List of mistakes
Review of the first four
Considering masturbation as the primary problem. -- Gotta go deeper
Pursuing compartmentalization or fragmentation instead of interior integration
Going it alone
Using only the spiritual means
Here are the next six
Having a Power spirituality or a macho spirituality
Passive Spirituality
The why for the change
Shaming the self for failures
The All or Nothing Trap
The biggest Mistake, the one almost everybody makes with this. Stay tuned till the end
Mistake 5: Power spirituality -- Macho spirituality
Slogan for the Power Spirituality -- God helps those who help themselves
In February of 2000 George Barna did a poll asking if “The Bible teaches that God helps those who help themselves” and the results were eye-opening:
53% of Americans agree strongly [that it could be found in the Bible]
22% agree somewhat
7% disagree somewhat
14% disagree strongly
5% stated they don’t know
Of “born-again” Christians 68% agreed, and 81% of non “born-again” Christians agreed with the statement. Despite being of non-Biblical origin, the phrase topped a poll of the most widely known Bible verses. Seventy-five percent (75%) of American teens said they believed that it was the central message of the Bible.
This saying is ancient, goes back to Greece -- The Gods help those who help themselves, you see this expressed in two of Aesop's fables
Aesop was an extraordinarily ugly slave who by his wit and intelligence gains his freedom and becomes a counsellor to rulers in Greece. He is believed to have lived between 620 and 564 BC -- his stories may be much older than that, having been handed down in an oral tradition.
A WAGGONER was once driving a heavy load along a very muddy way. At last he came to a part of the road where the wheels sank half-way into the mire, and the more the horses pulled, the deeper sank the wheels. So the Waggoner threw down his whip, and knelt down and prayed to Hercules the Strong. “O Hercules, help me in this my hour of distress,” quoth he. But Hercules appeared to him, and said:
“Tut, man, don’t sprawl there. Get up and put your shoulder to the wheel."
“The gods help them that help themselves.”
17th Century English political theorist Algernon Sidney made the modern rendering in English.
My grandpa Roberts ...
So today, we're getting into answers for Catholics who deeply desire to have their sexuality ordered toward relationship, toward God, and toward their spouses or future spouses in a way that is life-giving.
we're getting into answers for Catholics who experience masturbation as a dead-end, as a failed promise, as an inadequate answer for their deeper needs and desires.
We will get into the first four mistakes that Catholics make in their attempts to overcome masturbation
And we will get into the 10 remedies for those first four mistakes
Not just about masturbation -- you can take out masturbation and substitute in any other sexual problem -- fetishes, porn, sexting, sexual obsessions, sexual compulsions, excessive sexual fantasies, whatever
Remember that I promised you a map, not a ride in a limousine or on a magic carpet to your destination. It's a map, not an individualized treatment plan. This is not therapy. It's not magic. You still have to make your own journey. But this map lays out the terrain and the compass will provide direction for you on that journey.
Some of you have been suffering for a long time. I get that. God sees your efforts, he sees your good intentions.
Focus of this podcast is on interior integration -- overarching goal in the natural realm. Not talking about spiritual goals here, we are talking about the natural realm.
So we need a way of understanding and modeling interior integration and also its nemesis -- interior fragmentation.
I borrow heavily from Internal Family Systems approach, aka IFS approach, originated by Richard Schwartz.
Really helps me clinically to understand the polarizations inside of myself and others -- the tensions, the conflicting desires and impulses, the internal tug-of-war, especially about moral issues that carry so much emotional weight, like masturbation
And IFS not only helps us understand our internal world, it guides us as to how to heal, how to change, how to grow in the natural realm.
This podcast is heavily influenced by IFS, but IFS grounded in a Catholic worldview.
Review of Parts -- IFS perspective
Multiplicity and Unity of Self
Really helpful for understanding why Catholic men do what they don't want to do.
Romans 7:15 -- St. Paul's lament I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.
Discussion of Parts
within each person are separate collections thoughts, emotions, attitudes, impulses, desires, abilities, interests, relational styles, body sensations, and worldviews that are not just transient emotional states, but rather constitute discrete “parts,” subpersonalities or distinct modes of operating within the person’s larger internal system -- they seem like selves within us.
Each part within us can metaphorically seem like its own little person, with its own particular range of emotion, style of expression, abilities, desires views of the world.
Modes of operating
Subpersonalities
Orchestra model
Focus is on integration.
Get forced into extreme roles -- attachment injuries and relational traumas
Three roles -- exiles, managers, and firefighters.
Exiles --
most sensitive -- become injured or outraged by important other in the family or social world. Threatens the system, external relationships
Exploited, rejected, abandoned in external relationships
Want care and love, rescue, redemption
shame. Need for redemption
Managers
Protective, strategic, controlling environment, keep things safe
Stifle, anesthetize, distract from feelings of exiles
No concern for consequences
Binge eating, drug/alcohol use, dissociation, sexual risk taking, cutting
Parts can take over the person
Like in Pixar Movie Inside Out -- anger taking over the control panel of the main character Riley
We call it blending.
Intentions of parts -- always good, but the means they choose can be very harmful, maladaptive.
Mistakes
List of mistakes
Considering masturbation as the primary problem. -- Gotta go deeper
Pursuing compartmentalization or fragmentation instead of interior integration
Going it alone
Using only the spiritual means
Six more common mistakes, but those are...
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