Sometimes low libido doesn’t look like avoiding sex. Sometimes it looks like having sex you didn’t really want in the first place.
In this episode, I talk about something that’s far more common than most of us realise: saying yes to sex in a committed relationship even when you’re not really in the mood.
It's about the kinds of moments where you agree because it feels easier than arguing, because you don’t want to disappoint your partner, or because you hope you’ll “get into it” once you start.
We look at what the research says about why we do this, when it’s more neutral, and when it reduces desire and closeness further - or becomes harmful.
Toward the end, I share a simple reflection exercise to help you understand your own “yes” — and whether it’s something that it's helpful, or costing you something.
In this episode, we explore:
- Why saying yes to unwanted sex is incredibly common in long-term relationships
- The difference between saying yes because you want connection — and saying yes to avoid conflict or guilt
- The subtle forms of pressure that don’t look like pressure
- When and why sexual compliance can sometimes lead to positive outcomes, and why it more often leads to negative outcomes.
- A guided, free exercise to work out your own 'yes'
02:20 - What Is Sexual Compliance?
05:37 - Today's Research Paper: How Common Is Unwanted Sex?
07:03 - Why People Say Yes: Approach vs. Avoidance Motives
09:35 - It's About Power
11:29 - The Mental Load & Desire Connection
12:31 - The Two Types of Pressure: Explicit vs. Implicit
14:20 - Monogamy & the Unspoken Contract
16:21 - What Are the Consequences?
18:23 - My Sex-Therapist "Neutral at Worst" Stance & What it Means
19:36 - Avoidance Motives & Long-Term Harm
21:48 - Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire
22:29 - Free Exercise: Identifying Your Pattern
28:52 - Breaking the Cycle & Finding Support
The study discussed in this episode is Sexual Compliance in Finnish Committed Relationships: Sexual Self-Control, Relationship Power, and Experienced Consequences by Himanen & Gunst, published in The Journal of Sex Research.
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